Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 17 - The Secret Life of Gomer Pyle - full transcript

Gomer doesn't appreciate it when he poses for fun pictures on the beach which are altered and appear in a mens magazine showing Gomer surrounded by women. The guys at camp think Gomer has a secret Sunday life.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Oh, now that's right, Eleanor.

You've got the idea.


Oh, yes, lovely, Estelle.

Be careful of your neck now.



Your rug's going
to be just lovely.

Thank you, Mrs.
Whipple. Ah-ah-ah.

Now, I've told you, before,

we're on a first
name basis here.

And my name is Clarice.

I'm sorry, I forgot, Clarice.

That's better.

You know, Gomer,

when I see how
beautifully you do this,

it just proves to me

that men can be just as
good rug hookers as women.

Well, thank you, ma'am.

But I've done this before.

Grandma taught
me how to hook rugs

when I was just a little feller.

Grandma Pyle used to always say,

"Busy fingers stay at home,

haven't got the time to roam."

Oh, that's so true.

Yeah, but she never
could get Grandpa to try it.

He was always roaming.

Is that so?

Gomer, do you think perhaps

some of your pals
over at the post

might enjoy joining
us some Sunday?

Well, golly.

I really don't think so.

I don't see why not.

Do you know that many
top business executives

do this as therapy?

They find there's nothing
better to help them unwind

and soothe their nerves.

Well, I don't think the
fellas at the base would...

I hate to say this,

but if they knew
what I was doing,

I think they'd just laugh.

Oh, really?

Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, my, look at the time.

Well, it's time to
wrap it up, girls.

Almost 4:00.

Now, um, I'll see
you all next Sunday.

And don't forget to
give Irma your quarter

for the lemonade and cookies.

Oh, let me help you, Estelle.


What about that
guy in the sweater?

No, he's too short.

Besides he's not the right type.

Hey, there's a couple of guys.

Nah, they're not right either.

Look, I keep telling you
the kind of a guy I want.

A... a hayseed.

You know, right off the farm.

Um, naive, innocent, you know?

What do you want a
guy like that for, Mike?

Because of the contrast.

Look, don't you understand?

The thing that'll make this work

is a guy that looks like he
doesn't know what's going on.

Hey, hey, look.

Huh, where?

But he's a Marine.

So what?

A guy in uniform, you
think he'll want to do this?

Well, we won't tell him
exactly what we're gonna do.

Just leave him to me.

Uh, hey.

Hey, Marine.

How are you?

Uh, my name is Mike Bender.

This is my assistant Wendell.

How are you, kid?

(stammers): Oh, well, fine.

Uh, my name's Gomer Pyle.

No kidding.

Well, I'm pleased
to meet you, Gomer.

Look, my friend and I

are taking some pictures
down here for a layout.

A picture story, you
know what I mean?

Well, no, not exactly.

Well, you see, we want to
show people doing something,

so we take a series of
pictures to illustrate it.

Oh, you mean like in
National Geographic

when they show
people planting rice

or washing clothes in the river?


Hey, yeah, yeah, that's it.

Only our idea is to
show people having fun

in their leisure time.

Oh, well, that
should really be good.

And we'd like to have
a fellow just like you.

Yeah, a great big
good-looking Marine.

Oh, golly.

You see, we want to show
how a Marine has fun on Sunday.

Well, I don't usually do
very much on Sundays.

Well, that's all right.

You see, we're just
gonna kind of pretend.

It's what we call literary
license, you know what I mean?


Oh. I'll tell you what,
don't you worry about it

because it's all
good, clean fun.

Now, Gomer, you don't object

to a little good,
clean fun, do you?

Oh, golly, no, I love it.

Well, that's all that matters.

And besides that, Gomer,

we're gonna give you 20 bucks.

Oh, well, you don't
have to do that.

Well, why not?

If this idea's accepted,

we can make a
few bucks off of it.

Why shouldn't
you share in it, too?

Oh, well, I'll be glad to
help you out if you like,

but you don't have to
give me anything for it.

I told you he was the
right guy the minute I laid

eyes on him.


Now, just like you're
catching a beach ball.

You see, when the
picture's finished,

there'll be a beach
ball in your hands.

There will?

How can you do that?

Trick photography, Gomer.

We can do a lot of
things. You'd be surprised.

Hold it.

That's right, just like
you're playing horsie.

Hold it.

Well, shouldn't I have a rider?

Don't worry,
you'll have a rider.

Now hold it.

(camera clicks)

All right, Gomer, just like
you're playing leapfrog.

Sure seems funny
playing leapfrog alone.

You sure you fellas
know what you're doing?

We do, don't worry,
Gomer, we do.

Hold it. (camera clicks)

All right now, in this one,
you're a real happy Marine.

You own the whole
beach. Throw out your arms.

Are you sure this looks
like I'm having fun?

Don't worry, it will
when we finish with it.

Are you gonna put
another ball in my hands?

Yeah, you'll be
having a ball. Hold.

Okay, hold it.

(camera clicks)


Well, that was wonderful, Gomer.

We got some real good pictures.

And you were
great, really great.

Sure, Gomer, thanks a lot.

Yeah, now if
you'll just sign this,

everything will be all right.

Sign that? Yeah.

Well, what's it for?

Oh, it's just a release, Gomer,

to give us permission
to use your pictures.

It's just one of those
things that required

if a guy's picture is published.

Yeah, so people won't think
we're taking advantage them.

Here sign. Well, I sure
never would do that.

Yeah, that's good, Gomer.

Now here's your 20 bucks.

Oh, no, I really
don't want that.

Come on, take
it, you deserve it.

Buy yourself a milkshake.

Well, I just really
wouldn't feel right taking it.

We insist, Gomer, we insist.

Now take it. Well,
thank you, fellers.

I wish you a lot of
luck with your pictures.

Well, I guess I'll be going.

Thanks again and I'll see you.

Yeah, so long, Gomer.
Bye. Good-bye, kid.

And thanks a lot. Yeah.

Boy, we really got
some great stuff.

Listen, what do
you think he'll do

when he sees those
pictures? What'll he do?

Look, a guy like that doesn't
even read our magazine.

Besides, even if he does...

It came out pretty good.

Hey, get this, get this.

Terrific, terrific.

You're a genius, Mike.

What a face.

You see, this guy
makes the layout.

You see what I mean?

That innocent kisser
and all those dolls.

You know, there's a
million beautiful dames,

but a guy like
this is hard to find.

Oh, the boss is
gonna love these.

I bet he'll use them
in the next issue.

And you know something?

I dreamed up a great title.

"Sunday is funday."

Hey, Boyle.

Huh? Huh?




Here's what it says about her.

She's an attorney.

No kidding.

She can handle any case of mine.

Yeah, mine, too.


Hey, but, Sarge, let's
go get some breakfast.

I'm starved.

Yeah, all right.

Oh, boy.

Look at this.

"Sunday is funday."

And a Marine, too.

Some guys have all the luck.

You know, when I look
at a magazine like this,

I begin to feel that life
has been very unfair to me.

I mean, all of these
gorgeous dames in the world

and I never get
to see any of them.

Then some stupid guy
like this comes along...

(groans): Aah...


It can't be.

It just can't.

Hey, Gomer, look at this.

"Sunday is funday."

Now there's a way to
spend a Sunday, Gome,

playing at the beach with
a dozen beautiful chicks.

Hey, the guy's a Marine, too.

A Marine?

(clicks tongue)

Matter of fact, he looks
something like you.

A lot like you.

Exactly like you.

Gomer! What?

This is you!

Why I never!

It is you, isn't it?! Isn't it?!

No. I mean, yes,
but it wasn't like that.

I don't get it, what?

Well, I mean, I was there.

But it was just me.

They said they'd fix them up.

Just to trust
them, not to worry.

And this is what they did.

What a mean trick.
What a mean, mean trick.

Gomer, how did you get in this?

Did you know somebody or what?

You don't understand, Duke.

I didn't make those
pictures with those girls.

I don't get it, you said
this was you, didn't you?

Yeah, but those girls weren't
there when I made the pictures.


Gomer, wait, where
are you going?

To a phone.

I'm gonna call those people up

and give them a piece
of my mind right now.

No, no, no, wait, Gomer, wait.

Listen, these girls, did
you get their numbers?

Listen, why don't you
get in touch with them?

We'll get a couple
for tonight, huh?

Huh, Gomer, huh?

Sorry, they're not here today.

Well, where are they?

I want to talk to
them right now.

Well, they're out at
the Third Street Beach

shooting pictures. Why?

Who's this?

This is Gomer Pyle,

the Marine they tricked into

being in your
magazine this month.

And I've got something
I want to say to them.

They're not gonna get
away with it, no, sirree.

The Third Street Beach, huh?

Well, good-bye.

You know what I think?

This is Pyle's double.

You know they say
everybody has somebody

that looks just like them.

Somewhere in the world,

this is the guy
that looks like Pyle.

In the Marines?

Another PFC in the Marine Corps

that looks exactly like him?

It's not possible.

It's got to be Pyle.

Yeah, but with these dames?

These gorgeous, wild,
wonderful-looking dames?

Listen to what it says.

"Here are some fun girls
cavorting on the beach

with their Sunday companion,
a playful young Marine."

Their Sunday companion? Pyle?!

I sure don't get
it, but if it is Pyle...

Yeah, if it is Pyle, what?

Well, I've said it before.

You never know what
kind of a guy dames go for.

You never know.
Oh, come on, Boyle.

There are all kind
of tastes, but Pyle?

You never know,
you just never know.

Well, I've seen good-looking
dames out with monkeys.

Yeah... I know what you mean.

Take me, I mean, I'm
a good-looking guy,

yet some dames don't see it.

What's the matter?

Nothing. I didn't say anything.

Sergeant Carter?



I wonder if I could
have my pass now.

Your pass now?

Why, it's only 10:15.

You usually don't leave the base

on Sunday until around 1:00.

I know, Sergeant,

but I've got some urgent
business to take care of,

and I have to leave now.


Can I have my pass now, please?

Well, yeah, I guess so, Pyle.

Maybe I can give you
a lift where you're going.

I got the jeep outside.
I could take you.

No, thank you, Sergeant.

I've got to see some people
and I prefer to see them alone.


Alone, huh?

So could I have my
pass now, please?

I'd like to get started.

Yeah, well, uh...
There you are, Pyle.

Have a good time.

Thank you, and,
bye, Sergeant Carter.

Corporal Boyle. Bye, Pyle.

What do you think, Boyle?

Well, those dames said he
was their Sunday companion.

Let's get the jeep.

We're gonna follow him.

But you're sure you got a signed
release from him, huh, Mike?

I told you, I got
it. It's in my desk.

Well, if you got
the release, okay.

But he sure sounded
hot over that phone.

Aw, forget it, what can
he do to us? What's up?

Oh, that Marine we used.

You know, the cornball.

He saw the magazine,
called the office.

He's all shook up.

Yeah, and he's on
his way out here.

That's why I came
out to warn you.

Well, look, you go
back to the office.

Just leave him to me.

Let's just park right here.

We'll see where he's going.

He's going toward the beach.

Now, look this way, that's it.

Will you get out of there!

Go on!

Now, this is what I have...

Hey, here he comes.

What do we do?

Well, don't panic.

Hey, girls! Come here, will you?

Look, um, you see this Marine
down here coming up the beach?

Huh? (girls agreeing)

Well, he's got a beef with us

and he's kind of sore,
you know what I mean?

So I want you to kind of,
you know, smooth him down.

Take his mind off of it, be a
little nice to him, you know.

Go on, get him. (girls agreeing)

Oh, oh!

Where is he? Do you see him?

No, not yet.

Oh, oh!

What is it, Sarge?

I don't believe it.

Let me look.

BOYLE: Oh, my gosh!

CARTER: Do you believe it?

Do you believe it?
The glasses don't lie.

I guess Sunday is
just fun day for Gomer.

(girls clamoring)

I can't watch anymore.

It tears me to pieces.

Why don't we go down there
and ask for an introduction?

I mean, Pyle's
your boy, isn't he?

No need to keep all
that loveliness to himself.

No, no, no, no, Boyle.

You know, sometimes
you don't use your head.

Look, if we went down there now,

it's obvious we
followed him, right?

How else would
we know he's here?

Oh, yeah, you're right.

Yeah, we'll get
it on, all right.

But we'll do it smooth
and subtle, the Carter way.

The Pyle way doesn't
look too bad from here.

Oh, come on, Boyle.
Let's get out of here.

If we stand around here
looking, it'll drive us nuts.

(engine starts)

All right, girls.

All right, girls, let him go.

Let him go.

I'm sorry, Pyle, but we
were just having a little fun.

Fun? Well, I want to tell
you one thing, Mr. Bender.

I don't appreciate your sense
of humor and I don't appreciate

what you did with my
pictures in your magazine.

It was a mean, lowdown trick.

Oh, now, look, Pyle...

It was deceitful,
that's what it was.

Sham trickery, just
plain out and out lying.

Now look, Pyle...

If you'd told me what you were
going to do with those pictures,

I never would have
consented, but you misled me.

Aw, take it easy,
will you, Pyle?

We thought you'd
get a kick out of it.

We knew you'd be surprised,

but it was just a
good-natured, little joke.

Well, I don't
consider it a joke.

I was shocked when
I saw those pictures.

I don't think it was funny
one bit and that's what I came

here to tell you, and
there's one more thing.

Here's your $20 back.

It was forced on me
through deceit and trickery

and I don't want
anything to do with it.

Oh, come on now, Pyle.

I don't want any
part of ill-gotten gain.

My, my, you've accomplished
a lot today, Gomer.

Thank you, Mrs. Whipple.

Oh-oh-oh, Clarice, remember?

I'm sorry. Clarice.

That's better.

You know, you were right
about this being relaxing.

'Cause when I got
here this afternoon,

I was terribly upset.

Oh, really, Gomer?

What was wrong?

Well, I'd rather not say.

But you know one
thing, Miss Clarice?

There's a lot of
deceit in this world,

an awful lot.

And that's one of the reasons

I like coming here
and hooking rugs.

There's something
honest about it.

You know, Gomer,
in all my years,

I have never heard
that expressed better.

Girls, did you hear
what Gomer said?

Oh, he expressed it beautifully.

You wanted to see
me, Sergeant Carter?

That's right, Pyle.

Come in, come in.


Did I do something
wrong, Sergeant?

No, no, Pyle, you
didn't do anything wrong.

And that's just it.

We don't just call a fella in
when he's done something wrong.

Sometimes we call him in
when he's done something right.

You mean I did something
wrong, Sergeant?

No, you did something right.
That's why I called you in.

I did?

What did I do right,
Sergeant Carter?

Well, uh... well, uh...

your general attitude.

You have got a
terrific general attitude.

I have?


Whatever you do,
you stick right with it.

Right or wrong,
you stick with it.

And I like that, Pyle.

I like that a lot.

Golly, Sergeant, I
think I'm gonna cry.

No, no, Pyle, don't do that.

Just run along, and remember,
it's not all negative here.

We can be positive, too.

Thank you, Sergeant Carter.

Thank you.


I don't understand you, Sarge.

Why don't you just
come out and ask him

to introduce you to those dames?

Because that's not the way
you handle a guy like Pyle.

A guy like Pyle is
delicate, like a butterfly.

You got to creep up
on him in easy steps.

Yeah, and that was step one?

Right. And about
3:00 this afternoon,

it'll be time for step two.

Do you like your
ice cream, Pyle?

Mm-hmm, it's delicious.

Good, good. You can
have another if you like.

Well, let me
finish this one first,

and then I'll see.

Well, I'll tell you why
I'm doing this, Pyle.

It's because I don't
think it's enough

to just tell a fella
when he's doing well.

I think you should reward him.

And this is your
reward. Eat, eat, eat.

This is sure a day I'll
remember, Sergeant.

Yeah, well, I've
enjoyed it, too.

And you know
something else, Pyle?

You are good company.

Maybe you and me should
spend more time together.

I'd really like that, Sergeant.

You would?

Well, how about next
Sunday for instance?

We'll do anything you want.

Whatever you
usually do on Sunday.

Sunday? Well, I can't.

But I'm free tomorrow night.

No, no. Call it silly,

but I really want to spend
a Sunday with you, Pyle.

I don't know, Sergeant.

You see, there's this
usual thing I do on Sunday,

and well, I just don't
think you'd be interested.

That's where you're wrong, Pyle.

I would be interested, I would.

You would?

I'll level with you, Pyle...

I know what you do on Sunday,

and I know you've
been keeping it a secret

and I don't blame you.

'Cause a lot of
them knuckleheads

would ruin it for you.

You're right to
keep it to yourself.

Well, the only reason I
kept it a secret, Sergeant,

is, well, because I thought
the fellas would laugh.


What would they laugh about?

Well, it is kind
of embarrassing.

All those girls, and
I am the only fella.

Yeah, I know, I know.

It's wonderful.

I mean, I think we
should keep it that way...

Just you, me and all them girls.

Then you really are
interested, Sergeant?


Of course I'm interested.

Are you kidding?

Well, it is relaxing.

Clarice keeps
saying it's therapy.

Oh, it is, it is.
Clarice is right.

Listen, where are you
meeting this Sunday?

At Clarice's.

At Clarice's place?

Uh, waitress, bring
another plate of ice cream

for my friend here.

Eat, eat, eat.


Did I do it or did I do it?

What's up, Sarge?

I'm in, Boyle, I'm in.

Pyle's going to take
me with him on Sunday.

Oh, yeah? How did you work that?

Just like I told you.

I played him like a barracuda.

And he went for the
bait hook, line and sinker.

Hey, great.

You didn't forget
little Chuck, did ya?

You got me in too, didn't you?

Well, not yet.

You got to play it cool.

Now, we can't rush down
there in a gang, you know.

But, Sarge...

Take it easy,
Boyle, take it easy.

You'll get your chance
just as soon as I'm in solid.

Hey, you know where
we're going Sunday?

To Clarice's place.

Doesn't that send chills
up and down your back?

Why can't I go with you?

Relax, Boyle. What's your rush?

There's plenty of time.

Hey, wait a minute... Clarice...

You know what I think, Boyle?

I think that's
Clarice... The attorney.

Take me with you.

Please take me with you.

Is this it, Pyle? Is this
where Clarice lives?

That's right, third
floor, apartment 3-G.


"G" like in "girls," huh?


Hey, Pyle, look at that.

Is she one of them,
one of the group?

Well, she must be
one of the new ones.

We're getting new
people all the time.

Come on, Pyle, I can't wait.

Well, this is it, Sergeant.

Wait a minute,
Pyle, wait a minute.

What is it, Sergeant?

Do they know I'm coming,

that you're bringing me?

Oh, yeah, I called Clarice

and she was just as
happy as could be.

Good, good.

One more thing.

I know this is my first time,

but I kind of operate
better if I swing loose.


I mean, don't stick
too close to me.

You see, I know my way around,

so don't be looking over
my shoulder too much.

You get it, huh?

You mean you've done
this before, Sergeant?

Many times, son, many times.

Is that so? (buzzing)

Gee, I didn't know
you hooked rugs before.

Oh, Gomer. And you brought
your friend Sergeant Carter.

How nice.

Come in, boys, come in.

Didn't know I did
what to rugs before?

Girls, will stop everything
for a moment please.

I want to introduce a
new member of our group.

This is Sergeant
Carter... Gomer's friend.

Now I'm Clarice,

and this is Marge and Lenore
and Yvette and Thelma...

A rug hooking class.

Boy, I would have given
anything to see that.

Knock it off, Boyle,
it's not that funny.

It isn't? I think
it's hilarious.

(laughing) Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, you know
what I ought to do?

I ought to call it in to
the base newspaper.

They'd get a kick out of that.

You do that, Boyle, and
you'll get a kick out of it, too,

only not in the same place.

Boy, that Pyle.

I could kill him, I
really could kill him!

Why? It's not his fault.

You wanted to go
with him on Sunday

and you went with him.

No, no, Pyle knew
what I had in mind

in the first place.

He set a trap for me
and I walked right into it.

Oh, come on, Sarge, Pyle?

He couldn't do
a thing like that.

He couldn't? He did.

Listen, he knew all about
them pictures in that magazine...

Sunday is Funday.

When I told him I wanted
to spend a Sunday with him,

he had to know
what I had in mind.

Sure, he did that on purpose.

There's a lot of malice
in that guy, Boyle.

You can't be serious, Sarge.

Now say what you
want about Pyle...

That guy would
do anything for you.

For me? You mean to me.

He was out to get me and he did.

No, this was his nice subtle way

of giving me the shiv.

After all this time,
he finally figured out

a way to get back
at his sergeant.

Sergeant Carter, are you busy?

Could I see you for a minute?

Why? What do you
got behind your back...

A rattlesnake?

Surprise, surprise, surprise.

It's for you, Sergeant Carter.

I've been working on
it almost three months.

Read what it says.

"Semper Fidelis.

Especially to Sergeant Carter."

Just a small token
of my appreciation

for you being the kind of
sergeant you been to me.

Just my way of saying thanks.

Yeah... Well,
thanks... thanks, Pyle.

Well, use it in good
health, Sergeant.

Well, bye.

Bye, Corporal Boyle.

Well, what do you
think of that, Sarge?

If I were you, I'd
feel pretty small.