Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 15 - Love's Old Sweet Song - full transcript

Sergeant Carter and Private Slater are both attracted to the same lounge singer but she is attracted to Gomer Pyle. Jim Neighbors sings "500 Miles Away From Home" to her.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

(singing off-key): ♪ That old
black magic has me in its spell ♪

♪ That old black magic
that you weave so well... ♪

Look at that chick, Gomer.

Isn't she terrific?

Well, she's not too bad,

but a little squeaky
on the high notes.

Maybe if she'd practice more.

I don't mean her
voice, I mean her. Her!

She's the greatest-looking
thing I've ever seen.

Oh, yeah, she is nice-looking.

She looks like she'd
be a very sweet person.

But she sure could
stand a few voice lessons.

Who cares about her voice?

Look at that face, that
body that... everything.

Everything is fine on her.

The only thing that
throws it off is her voice.

♪ Like a leaf that's
caught in the tide ♪

♪ I should have stayed
away, but what could I do? ♪

Boy, what a knockout.

Ain't she, Boyle?

She's your type, eh, Vince?

You said it.

She's got everything,

Great face, terrific figure...

Class... has she got class.

If she could only sing.


What difference does that make?

This girl is a goddess,
can't you see that?

You're right, she's a
goddess with a rotten voice.

Listen, I got to meet her.

Hey, you got a pencil?

I'm going to send her a note.

This will get her over
here. Just wait and see.

Waiter, waiter?

Yes, sir?

Listen, will you see
that Miss Poovie

gets this when she
finishes? Yes, sir.

Oh, and waiter, a little
something extra for you.

Thank you. I'll
see that she gets it.

♪ You're the lover I
have waited for... ♪

Duke, you gave him a dollar.

Gomer, one of the
secrets of my success

is, I always go first class.

A dollar?!

Waiter, waiter!

Yes, sir?

Listen, I wonder if you'd
do a little something for me.

Will you take this note to
that lovely young lady up there

when she finishes her song?


And here... here's
two bits for you.

You really know your way
around, don't you, Vince?

Well, if you want
things to happen,

you gotta grease the palm, kid.

♪ Under the old black
magic called love. ♪


(mid-tempo music playing)

Hey, she got the
note. See that, Gomer?

She got my note.

Pull that chair up, Boyle.

She'll be here in a second.

Excuse me, please.


I got your note.

Yes, Miss Poovie.

We're certainly delighted
that you came over.

I was wondering if
you might sit with us

for a few minutes and
maybe have a drink.

Well, maybe just
for a little while.

Good, good.

I have to sing again, you know.

Fine, wonderful, wonderful.

I'm, uh, I'm Duke Slater.

This is my good
buddy, Gomer Pyle.

How do you like that?

She passed me right by

and went over and sat
with the knuckleheads.

Waiter, waiter?

Yes, sir? What happened?

Wasn't that my note
you gave that young lady?

No, sir, it was a note
from those other fellas.

How come?

Well, I deliver the
dollar notes first

and the quarter notes later.

You've certainly got a
lot of talent, Miss Poovie,

and that's something
I really know about.

You see, I've, uh, I've fooled
around in show business

myself, you know.

Really? Oh, yeah.

Why, I wouldn't be surprised
if you went right up the ladder

and became one of the
top singers in the country.

Do you really mean that?

Well, I'll admit in some parts,

you sang pretty as a catbird.

But in other parts, you
was just a freckle off.

Hey, where you from, Gomer?

Mayberry, North Carolina.

No, really?

Well, for goodness sakes,
do you know where I'm from?

Well, they're not going
to get away with this.

I'm going over there
and bring her back here.

Good luck, Sarge.

You don't mean it...
You're from Turtle Creek?

Well, that's only 83
miles from Mayberry.

'Course I never have been there,

but I've heard all about it.

Well, you've been to Siler City.

Siler City? For goodness sakes.

I used to take the truck
up there all the time

to pick up radiator fittings.

And you know something else?

Besides a great voice,
you got style... real style.

Well, hello there, boys.

Nice to see you.

Well, hey, Sergeant Carter.

I didn't know you was here.

Allow me to introduce
myself, Miss Poovie.

I'm Vince Carter,
these boy's sergeant.

I'm pretty angry at them, too.

I mean, keeping you all
to themselves this way.

I just don't think that's
right, do you, boys?

Why don't you sit down
and join us, Sergeant?

Oh, no, I got a much
better idea than that.

Why don't you join
me and my corporal

for a drink or two, Miss Poovie?

I'm sure these
gentlemen wouldn't mind

sparing you for a
minute, would you, boys?

Well... Well, I...
No, Sergeant Carter.

Not if Miss Poovie
would like to.

I guess it's all right
with us, right, Duke?


You know, I really admire
your talent, Miss Poovie.

How about that? Just
when I was doing good.

I still think you
was exaggerating

a little bit about her voice.

Voice? who cares
about her voice?

As a matter of fact,
I don't even know

what a talent like you is
doing in a joint like this.

Oh, uh, Miss Poovie,
this is Corporal Boyle.

How do you do, Miss Poovie.

Well, hello.

Look, Gomer, she's
looking back over here.

She didn't want to leave me.

Boy, that Carter's
got a lot of nerve.

She is looking back at us.

There's no question about that.

And I'll tell you
something else.

You know what you
got, Miss Poovie?

You got class.

Ain't that right, Boyle?

I mean, that's the first
thing I said to Boyle...

"There's a dame with class."

And if there's one thing
I know about, it's class.

How about a beer?


(cymbals clash)

Oh, e-excuse me,
fellas, but that's my cue.

I've got to do another number.

Oh, sure, sure.

Don't stay away too long now.

Boy, is that a dame
or is that a dame?

You know something, Boyle? What?

I think she goes for me, too.

Yeah? What makes
you think that, Vince?

You mean, you didn't notice?

There was a thing between us.

You call it
chemistry, electricity,

but I was there.

She felt it, I felt
it, it was obvious.

Yeah? I didn't get it.

Well, of course
you didn't get it.

It was passing
between her and me,

her and me.

Chemistry ain't for the crowd.

If you say so, Vince.

(singing off-key): ♪
All or nothing at all... ♪

Hey, Gome, would you mind

going back to the
base yourself tonight?

No. Why?

Well, I think I'll stick around

until she's finished.

I want to talk to her again.

You know, maybe take her out

and buy her a
steak or something.

You wouldn't mind, would you?

Oh, not at all, Duke.


Hey, listen, would you
loan me a ten until payday?

♪ Then I'd rather
have nothing at all... ♪

Isn't she something, Gomer?

Is she something?

The only thing
against her is her voice.

(distant car horn honking)

You wouldn't want to ask her

if she has a friend for me, huh?

No, you just beat it, Boyle.

And take the jeep with you.

She'll be out any minute.

You sure you don't want it?

I can take the bus.

No, no, I'd rather
walk her home.

Now just beat it,
will you, please?

Okay, Sarge. Good luck.

Good luck with the chemistry.

All right, what are you
hanging around here for, Slater?

Oh, just waiting.

Yeah? Waiting for what?

Or should I say who?

W-Well, I'm... I'm...

You wouldn't by any chance

be waiting for Miss Poovie?

SLATER: Miss who? (horn honking)

Slater, let me point
something out to you.

Why, Miss Poovie!

My advice to you,
Slater, is to get over there

and get on that bus!


Hold it!

Miss Poovie! Miss Poovie!

Miss Poovie! Miss Poovie!

Miss Poovie!

How could you do it, Gomer?

How could you do it?

Let her get on the bus

when you knew I
was waiting for her.

But I, Duke, I couldn't help it.

The bus pulled away
before I could say anything.

And I couldn't very
well ask her to get off.

You took her right
to her door, did you?

Yeah, and as a matter of
fact, we had a nice, long talk.

We must have
sat out on her steps

for over an hour.

Yeah, did-did she mention me?

What'd she say?

Well, she did mention you once.

She said you had nice teeth.

Nice teeth? That's all?

Oh, boy.

First Carter comes
along and butts in,

and then you come
along and take her home.

Tonight I'm going back and
I'm going to really move in.


So you never got to
take her home, huh?

No. I told you, I was
talking to that stupid Slater,

and she went off on a bus.

Gee, that's tough luck, Vince.

Well, tonight's another night.

Tonight I'm going down there

and I'm not going to
beat around the bush.

I'm really going to make
a pitch for her tonight.

I like your style, Vince.

Well, if there's one
thing I know about, Boyle,

it's women.

Anyway, tonight's the night.

♪ ...Dream of you every night ♪

♪ Darling, I'm never lonely ♪

♪ As long as you're in sight ♪

♪ I love you and you
alone were meant for me... ♪

♪ ...And say we'll
never part... ♪

Oh, hello, Sarge.

All right, Slater, what
are you doing here?


Just get this
through your head...

Miss Poovie's going
home with me tonight.

There's going to be no
arguments about that.

Miss Poovie!

Oh, there you are, my dear.

And you're certainly
looking lovely.

I have a table for
us right over here.

Oh... are you here alone?

That's right, all alone, honey.

As a matter of fact,

I was just saying good-bye
to Private Slater here.

Good-bye, Private.

You see, the private has
a detail he forgot about.

He's got to sweep
the parade grounds.

Ta-ta, Slater. I'll see
you in the morning.

Look, why don't we
just sit here at this table.

It's much better
than the one I had.

So long, Slater.

Well, let's see...
where's a waiter?

I'll get us a drink.

Are you still here?

Oh, please don't bother.

I really don't care for a drink.

Why? Is something wrong?

Oh, I know, you
want Slater to leave.

Get lost, Slater, you heard me.

Oh, no, no, he
doesn't have to go.

I mean, he can stay.

Well... well, actually,

I was expecting someone else.

You don't have a
boyfriend, do you?

Actually... I don't know.

What does that mean?

You know that Marine
that was here last night?

What Marine? Corporal Boyle?

No. Actually, the other
one... Gomer Pyle.

Gomer Pyle? What about him?

Well, I know this
sounds sort of silly,

because I've only
seen him once, but...

Yeah, yeah?


actually, I think...
I'm sort of...

in love with him.

Can you imagine that?

Of all guys, Pyle?

I could have fell over.

This great-looking dame

telling me she's
in love with Pyle.

Can you figure
that, Boyle, Pyle?

Women are funny
sometimes, Sarge.

You can't figure
out what they want

or what they'll go for in a guy.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

What do you want, Pyle?

Well, I just came to pick
up my pass for the night.

Your pass?

Well, I don't know
about that, Pyle.

I don't know why I
should give you a pass

for hanging around The
Congo Club all night long.

I don't know whether it's
good for you fellas to do that.

But I'm not going to The
Congo Club, Sergeant.

I'm not going anywhere
near The Congo Club.

You're not?

Well, no, honest.


Well, okay, Boyle,
give him his pass.


Here you are, Pyle. Thanks.

Not that I'm really
interested, Pyle,

but just where are
you going tonight?

Oh, well, you remember
that young lady

at The Congo Club
named Lou-Ann Poovie?

Yeah, what about her?

Well, it's her night off,

so she invited me over
to her house for dinner.

She's fixing all my favorites.

Apple dumplings, fried
chicken, hominy, fresh biscuits.

Well, thank you for
the pass, Sergeant.

And I'll see ya.

There was this old possum
way up here in a tree,

and there was this old
half-blind hound dog

just barking and
carrying on down here.

And right between them
was old Farley Upchurch.

Well, he's got this
real high squeaky voice

and he was yelling,

(high-pitched voice): Get the
possum, you darn fool, not me!

Get the possum! Get the possum!

(laughing) Oh,
boy, it was a sight.

Oh, that's funny.

Well, Farley Upchurch...
He's something else.

I sure like being
with you, Gomer.

I feel so comfortable.

Oh, well, that's probably just
'cause I'm from back home.

Well, that's part of it,

but also... you remind
me of somebody.

I do?

We've been talking
about me all evening.

Let's talk about you.

What are you doing out
here so far from home?

Sometimes I wonder.

I was happy enough back there.

Had me a steady boyfriend.

You did?

Monroe Eford.

His daddy ran the feed store.

We was gonna get married.

Well, how come you didn't?

Well, Monroe just
didn't understand

about my wanting a career.

He wanted to settle right
down and start having a family.


And I was just determined
to pursue my career,

because singing is so
important to me, you know.

Yes, I do.

You know, I used to sing in
the church choir back home

and I know what it
can mean to a person

who wants to make
it their life's work.

Do you sing, Gomer?

Oh, a little.

Do you pick a little, too?

Well, not much.

Will you sing something for me?

Aw... Oh, please.

I don't know if I
remember anything or not.

Oh, come on.

Wait a minute.

There is one song that I
remember that I bet you know.

It's been kind of a long time.

♪ If you miss the train I'm on ♪

♪ Then you know
that I have gone ♪

♪ You can hear
the whistle blow ♪

♪ A hundred miles ♪

♪ A hundred miles, a hundred
miles, a hundred miles ♪

♪ A hundred miles ♪

♪ You can hear
the whistle blow ♪

♪ A hundred miles ♪

♪ Lord, I am one ♪

♪ Lord, I'm two ♪

♪ Lord, I'm three ♪

♪ Lord, I'm four ♪

♪ Lord, I'm 500 miles
away from home ♪

♪ Away from home, away
from home, away from home ♪

♪ Away from home ♪

♪ Lord, I'm 500 miles
away from home. ♪

You're not crying, are you?


But you know, it's funny...

The first time I met Monroe...

they were playing that song.

You kind of miss
Monroe, don't ya?

I'd bet you'd be

a whole lot happier if it
was Monroe sitting here

instead of me.


No, but thanks anyway...

for playing that song.


Pyle. Pyle, wait a minute.

Hey, Sergeant Carter.

Well, uh, what kind of
evening did you have, Pyle?

Oh, I had a wonderful time.

A real fine dinner.
She's a wonderful cook.


Well, after dinner, did you...

What's that you
got on your cheek?


Golly, I guess it is.

She kissed you?

How did you work that, Pyle?

I don't know, it was a
surprise to me, too, Sergeant.

See, I sang her this song

and she got so stirred
up, she kissed me.

You sang her a song
and she kissed you?

You're kidding.

No, singing means
a whole lot to her.

It's practically her whole life.

Singing, huh?

Singing really gets to her?

I guess it does.


You sang her a song
and she kissed you.


Well, good night, Sergeant.


Yeah, it's too bad that
Pyle couldn't make it tonight,

but he had this guard
detail that he forgot about,

and I promised
I'd fill in for him.

Well, it was awful nice of you

to walk me home,
Sergeant Carter.

I hope that you'll
remember to tell Gomer

that I understand about tonight.


Wait a minute.

You're not going to
go in just like that?

Well, it is sort of late.

Oh, well, it's not that late.

And besides, it's
kind of a long walk

from that bus stop.

You wouldn't happen
to have a bottle of beer

around in there, would you?

Oh, gee, no, I'm so
sorry, Sergeant, I don't.

Well, how about a bottle of pop?

Oh, I'm afraid all I have is
just a little bit of buttermilk.


Gee, that's perfect.

I haven't had any
of that in years.


Hey, what a comfortable
place you got here.

Real homey.

I love it, I really do.

Yeah, solid comfort.

You know what we
ought to do sometime?

We ought to have a
nice home-cooked meal.

I just love home cooking.

Apple dumplings, fried chicken,

hominy, hot biscuits.

That's my kind of eating.

I'll get your buttermilk now.

Yeah, it's a terrific
place you got here.

(singing flat): ♪ Love is a
many splendored thing ♪

♪ It's the April rose that only
grows in the early spring ♪

♪ Love is nature's
way of giving ♪

♪ A reason to be living ♪

♪ It's the golden crown
that makes a man a king... ♪


Sergeant, I'm
sorry, but I'm afraid

I'm all out of buttermilk.


And it's getting late.

You'd better go now.

♪ Once on a high
and windy hill ♪

♪ In the morning mist,
two lovers kissed ♪

♪ And the world stood still... ♪

Some other time, Sergeant.

♪ Then your fingers touched ♪

♪ My silent heart... ♪

MAN: Hey, cut the racket, buddy!

What do you think this is... the
Metropolitan Opera? (dog barking)

(people shouting,
barking continues)

You know what she said to me?

"You'd better go now."


Well, don't you know
what that means...

"You'd better go now"?

It means she
don't trust herself.

So you went, huh, Vince?

Well, sure, what else?

I'm a gentleman.

But there are
other nights, Boyle.

Other songs and other nights.

Golly! Golly!

Sergeant Carter!
Sergeant Carter!

Corporal Boyle,
where's Sergeant Carter?

What's up?

I came to get my pass.

The most wonderful
thing's happened.

Oh, yeah, what?

I finally convinced
her to get married.

Yeah, who?

Lou-Ann Poovie.

You know, the girl who
sings at The Congo Club?

If Sergeant Carter comes
back, tell him I had to go

over to her place to
help her get ready.

Thank you, Corporal.
Pyle... (humming tune)

Vince, where you been?

I called the barber shop...

They said you left
ten minutes ago.

Wait till you hear.

What? What happened?

Well, Pyle was just
here and, Vince...

Vince, he and that
dame are getting married.

Pyle and what dame?

Your girlfriend, Lou-Ann Poovie.

You're kidding!

Vince, it's true.

He went over there
to help her get ready.

He told me to tell you

'cause he said that
you'd understand.

He told you that,
and you let him go?!

Just like that he's
going to get married?!

Without asking the
chaplain, the C.O., nobody?!

Why didn't you stop him?!

There's a chain of
command in the Marine Corps!

Why didn't you stop him, Boyle?

You're supposed to...

Taxi. Taxi.

Oh, we missed it.


Hey, Sergeant Carter.

Boy, this is a surprise.

Did you come here
to kiss the bride?

Bride? Just what did
you have in mind, Pyle?

Were you just going to go AWOL,

or were you planning on
going back to her hometown,

meeting her parents,
getting married

and having a wedding supper
and getting back here in 12 hours?

Was that what you had in mind?

Oh, no, Sergeant. You see...

Do you know what you're
letting yourself in for?

A court-martial.

Now wait, Sergeant, wait.

You got it all wrong.

We're not getting married.

I mean, Lou-Ann is, but I'm not.


No, Lou-Ann's going back home

to marry Monroe Eford
from the feed store.

You see, she came out
here for a singing career.

But she decided that her heart
was still back home with Monroe.

And it took Gomer here
to make me realize that.

You mean you had a boyfriend
back home all the time?

That's right.

Well, I didn't think so.

And there was nothing
between you and Pyle here at all?

No, not really, Sergeant Carter.

See, I just reminded
her of Monroe,

and that's the reason

she liked having
me around so much.

Well, Gomer reminded
me so much of Monroe

that he made me want to
go straight back home to him.

Oh... oh!

PYLE: You know
what, Sergeant Carter?

Lou-Ann's giving up
her singing completely.

No, really?

Well, I haven't
given up my singing.

So this calls for
a good-bye song

and a kiss.

Oh, no, Sergeant, you don't
really have to do that. Here.

(laughing giddily)

3:00 today?

No kidding?

Well, best wishes, Lou-Ann.

She's getting
married at 3:00 today.

Well, listen, this
is long distance,

so I guess I'd better hang up.

But, but wait just a minute.

We've got a surprise for you.

You still want to
do it, Sergeant?

Sure. She'll get a
real charge out of it.

Hello? Hello?


Operator? Hello? Hello?