Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 11 - Cold Nose, Warm Heart - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

(razor buzzing)


Sergeant. (gasps)

It's just me, Sergeant.

That's my big
problem in life, Pyle.

It's always you!

I just came by to pick
up my pass for tonight,

but if you're busy, I'd be
glad to come back later.

No, no, forget it, Pyle,

I got your pass right here.

Just remember to
knock next time, will ya?

Instead of barging in here.

Understand? Right, Sergeant.

And I'm sorry.

(muffled barking)

What was that?


What's what?

Sounded like a dog.


There it is again.

Sounds like it's
coming from over here!

Hey, you're kinda
nosey, ain't ya?

But I thought I heard a dog.


You've done it, Sergeant!

You got yourself a dog!

It is a dog, isn't
it? Yeah, yeah.

Come on, you might
as well have a look.



A little birthday present
from me to Bunny.

Cute, huh?

Golly, I'll say, Sergeant.

Where'd you get him?

Corporal Wolnick
over in "C" Company.

His mutt had a
whole litter of 'em.

And since I didn't know
what to get for Bunny...

She'll just love him.
She'll just love him.

Look at that little feller.

And look at that
cute little face.

Yeah, the perfect
birthday present.

And cheap, too.

Didn't cost me a nickel.

Well, now you had
a good look, okay?

So, if you don't mind, Pyle.

I can just see Miss Bunny's
face when she sees him.

Oh, right, right.

If I could ever get
outta here, Pyle.

Right, Sergeant, I'm going now.

And, Sergeant?


I'll bet you're the most
thoughtful sergeant

on this base.

But that's you.

Always thinking
about the other person.

I'll buy that.


Hey, hey.

Ooh, yes.

Oh, you're just the cutest,

the absolutely most adorable

little thing I've ever seen.

Yeah, he is, ain't he?

"Tipper!" How's that sound? Huh?

Well, he's gotta have a name

and look, Vince, he's
got a little black spot

right on the tip of his tail.

Tipper, huh?

Yeah, I guess that's
as good as any.

Oh, Vince, I gotta tell you,

this is the nicest
present I ever got.


Who would ever think of
giving a puppy for a present?

Yeah, well, I figured

you could always use
a little companionship,

uh, when I'm not
around, that is.

Well, you sure figured right.

Oh, Vince, I just don't know
how to thank you enough.

Don't worry.

You'll think of something.

Come on, let's go. Go?

Well, sure, that's what
I'm here for, ain't it?

Take you out on the town.

Oh, Vince, we can't go off

and leave little
Tipper all alone.


Leave a little puppy

in a strange apartment?

On his first day here?

Oh, Vince, you wouldn't
want me to do that.

Well, he's just
like a little baby.

Oh, you wanna stay home, huh?

We have to.

Well, uh, yeah, okay.

We'll stay home.

Sure, I can whip up
a couple of Highballs,

you can put on one of them

potato frozen dinners.

Exactly. And then who knows?

Maybe a nice romantic
movie on television.

What could be cozier?

Huh, baby-doll?


Oh, is that cute?

Oh, look, Vince, he
doesn't like you to do that.


Go on, try it again.


Is that cutest thing?

If you weren't the most
adorable little thing!

Yeah, adorable. Adorable.

And, to think, he
was all your idea.

My little sweetness, yes.

Aw, come on, Bunny,
we stayed home last night!

And the night before that.

And all your time is
taken up with that dog.

Honestly, I'm beginning
to think I made a mistake,

ever bringing that
mutt over to you.

Oh, no, no, no.

I didn't mean it that way.

No, of course, I'd
never take him back

I cross my heart.


We'll stay home tonight.


I don't care.

Whatever you want to defrost.

Well, chalk up another big night

of pouring milk and
spreading newspapers.

The pup again, huh?

Four nights in a
row. Four nights.

I can't get her out
of that apartment!

Doesn't sound so
bad to me, Vince.

The two of you home all
alone with time on your hands?

Not the two of us...
The three of us!


"And Baby Makes Three!"?

Hey, Vince,

you want to get out so bad,
maybe that's your answer.

Huh? I mean, what do people do

who have kids
and want to get out?

They get a babysitter.

So, who's got a baby?

Well, you do. You
said so yourself.

You need a dog-sitter.

I know about baby-sitters,
but dog-sitters?

Oh, yeah, yeah, they got 'em.

Oh, come on, Chuck.

Where am I gonna
find an idiot silly enough

to sit up all night with a dog?

Hey, Sergeant.

I think I know.

Correct that. I know I know.

Excuse me, Sergeant.

I just wanted to report

that I finished
that painting detail.

It looks just like
new. Fine, fine.

Uh, look, Pyle, I was wondering

if you have anything
special on for tonight?

Gosh, I don't know.

Well, to tell you
the truth, Pyle,

I was wondering if
you'd like to drop by

and kind of keep an eye on
Bunny's new puppy tonight,

so as we can get away.

Golly, Sergeant.

You really mean that?

I'd be glad to.

Oh, good. That's good, Pyle.

And I want to tell you,

you'll be doing me a big favor.

Oh, no, Sergeant.

It's you that's
doing me the favor.

There's nothing in the world

I like better than
a little puppy.

Of course, that's not
counting you, Sergeant.

I was just referring to animals.


Golly, Sergeant,
I can't tell you

how I been looking
forward to this evening.

You and me both, Pyle.

You and me both.

Hi-ya, baby-doll, I got
a little surprise for you.

Hey, Miss Bunny.

Well, I wasn't expecting you.

Guess what?

He's gonna be a puppy-sitter.

A puppy-sitter?

Don't you get it?

So you and I can get
out and have a little fun.

Sure, Miss Bunny.

You really ought to get out.

Especially after having
been cooped-up like you have.

Well, gee, fellas, I don't know.

What don't you know?

Believe me,

Pyle will take better care
of Tipper than you will.

And he's had lots of
pets in his life, right, Pyle?

Yes, ma'am.

I've had dogs and cats
and birds and even a pig.

Do you want to
hear about the pig?


What do you say, Bunny?

Well, I could stand
a night out at that.

Well, you sure you
know what to do?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

It's just a matter
of common sense.

Sure, sure.

Come on, let's go.

Okay, Vince.

Oh, I-I guess I better
bring Tipper out,

so he can get used
to you before we leave.

Good idea.


Well, thanks again, Pyle.

It's okay, Sergeant.

I'm gonna have every bit
as much fun as you are.

You want to bet?


Well, here we are,

out among the human race again.

Admit it. It's nice, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Especially when you consider

I got you all to
myself for a change,

just the two of us.

Which reminds me.

I didn't tell you about
the full itinerary for tonight.

Now, here's what I got in mind.

First, a nice energy-building

blue plate special.

WAITRESS: Excuse me.

You Bunny Olsen?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Oh, you got a phone call.

He said you'd be
sitting with a Sergeant.

You can take it
right over there.


Wonder who'd be calling me.

I don't know.

You don't think something's
happened to Tipper?!



Hey, Miss Bunny.

Gomer, what's wrong?

Oh, nothing, ma'am.

Everything's just fine.

It's just that I
hate to bother you

with something so unimportant.

What does he want? Shh!

Oh, no, Gomer.

It's no bother at all.

Well, I see that you got
Tipper's bed under the sink

and I just wondered,

it's awful damp under there,
especially for a little puppy.

Gee, I never thought of that.

But you know what?

Right next to the broom
closet, that's real dry.

And he wouldn't get no
draft from the window neither.

You're absolutely right, Gomer.

I never thought of that.

Next to the broom closet
sounds much better.

(groaning): Oh.

That's all I wanted.

Thank you.

I sure hope it wasn't
no inconvenience

calling you like this.

Well, it's okay,
Gomer, I'm glad you did.

Well, you two go on
and have a good time.

Me and Tipper's getting
along just fine and dandy.

Glad to hear it.

Okay, Gomer, we'll
see you later, huh?

What... oh, okay, I sure will.


Gomer said to say, "Hey."

I'm touched.

I'm really touched.

That knucklehead!

Well, was that a dinner
or was that a dinner?

(sighs) (chuckles)

Now, about that itinerary,

here's what I thought
we'd do from here.

First, maybe we'll
stop at Jamaica Joe's

for a couple of cha-chas,

you know, to work off dinner.

Ooh, yeah. Sounds good.

Then what do you say

we take a nice long
drive along the ocean.

And maybe we can... Miss Olsen,

you're wanted on
the phone again.

You're kidding!

It's must be Gomer again.


Only this time let
me talk to him, huh.

I want few words with him!

Vince, it could be important.

Sure, like which
part of the newspaper

does the mutt like best

the sports section
or the financial page!

Never mind!


Hey, Miss Bunny, it's me, again.

No, no, nothing to
be alarmed about.

It's just that I put Tipper down

to sleep next to
the broom closet,

and, well, he keeps
crawling back under the sink.

Oh, no. What? What?

But you know what I thought?

He seems to feel real secure

in the living room
next to the TV set.

I could keep him there.

Good idea, Gomer.

Why don't you try that.

Tipper keeps crawling
back under the sink.

You gotta be kidding!

That stupid meathead
called you up to tell you that?!

Hey, Miss Bunny, is that
Sergeant Carter I hear?

You wanna say hello?

Good-bye. That's
what I want to say.


Hey, Sergeant Carter.

Are you and Miss
Bunny having fun?

Yeah, Pyle.

In between your phone calls,

we're having a lot of fun.

Well, you two just stay out

just as late as you want to,

long as I know
where I can reach you

in case something
important comes up.

I got news for you, Pyle.

From here on in

you got any more hot
flashes about that pooch,

you're gonna have to send
'em by a sea-going pigeon,

you got that?!

Oh, I sure do.

But you be real careful now.

Them oceanfront
roads are real dark

and twisty this time of night.

And you know what?

The ocean spray gets on those
roads and they get real slick.

You know what
I'd do if I was you?

I... Hello?



It's a nice spot, huh?


Talk about beautiful,
I gotta tell ya,

as good as you
looked in the restaurant,

you look even
better in the dark.

All soft and feminine...
real kissable.

Oh, Vince,

you know you got
fuzz on your ears

just like Tipper. Yeah?

I guess that makes us
dogs of a feather, don't it?


You think Gomer got
him down for the night?


Oh, I'm sorry,
Vince, it's just that...

well, this is the first time

I've ever left him
alone at night.

Hey, what's with you?

You're talking like you
left a baby back home.

Well, it is a baby.

He's only three months old.

A dog baby! A dog baby!

And you didn't leave him alone.

You left him with Pyle.

Mr. Conscientious himself.


I guess you're right.

I'm sorry, Vince.

Yeah, that's better.

It's just that Gomer
can't reach us out here.


Ain't it the truth.

What if Gomer's having trouble?

Oh, for Pete's sake!

What it Tipper's sick
and he can't reach us?

Oh, Vince, we better go back.

Huh? Oh, please, Vince,

just for my own peace of mind.

Pretty please.

Okay, okay.

Why not?

There's nothing out here

but a bunch of crummy
moonlight anyway.

(keys jingle in lock)

Hey, Bunny, Sergeant
Carter. You back so soon?

Is he asleep? Did you
get him down all right?

Shh! Everything's fine.

I got him down
about an hour ago.

Okay, Pyle.

Thanks again.

You can get lost now,
you know what I mean?

There's still some
of the evening left.

Good night, Tipper. (whimpers)

BUNNY: What's
the matter, sweetie?

Golly, I must've disturbed him.

Don't worry about it, Pyle.

I can take care of him myself.

You just get going. (whimpers)

Oh, better let me, Vince.

Aw, what's the matter, sweetie?

If I may, Miss Bunny,

all these faces all of a
sudden is quite a shock.

Come on, Tipper.

going to be all right.

You just settle down.

Well, will you
look at that, Vince?

Gomer's the only one
who can keep him quiet.

Yeah, a regular Pied Piper.

Well, I really do have to go.

(Tipper whimpers)

Wait a minute, Gomer.

You don't really
have to go, do you?

Tipper doesn't want you to.

Well, I really would
like to stay, but...

I guess I better go.

Vince, you make him stay.

You're his boss,
you're the sergeant.

Well, sure, but if he
says he got to go...

Oh, I didn't say I had to go.

You was the one
who... Okay! Okay.

You hear that, Tipper?

How about that?
I'm going to stay.

I'm not going after all.

Oh, good.

Now we can watch the late movie

and keep Tipper
happy at the same time.

Aw, come on, Wolnick,
it just didn't work out,

that's all.

My girlfriend has a job

and she just doesn't
have time to take care of...

I know I should've
thought of that first.

So, why can't you take
the puppy back, huh?

Oh. You still got
two of them left.

Hey, what if I give
you five bucks?

What do you mean, "No soap"?

Thanks a lot!

This is ridiculous.

This whole thing is ridiculous.

Dumb, stupid and ridiculous!

And it's really
getting to you, isn't it?

I'm telling you, that pup has
put some cramp in my style.

Things that bad, huh?

And it's not getting any better.

You know what I
got to look forward to

for the next few
months? Dog watching!

And all I'm going
to have to show for it

is a stack of frozen
dinner trays a mile high.

Doesn't sound so bad to me.

Think of all the dough
you're saving on restaurants.

Who cares?

I'm tired of eating in.

Besides, who do you
think gets all that attention?

Not me, that's for sure.

But just remember, Vince, it
was your idea in the first place.

Yeah, yeah.

He's still got two pups.

So, who cares if he's got three?

That Wolnick.

Hey! What am I groaning about?

Who says Bunny has to know
that Wolnick won't take him back?

What do you mean?

Hey, Sergeant.

Look what I got for
you to take to Tipper.

Best way in the world to
make friends with a dog.

A rubber mouse and
it's good for his teeth, too.

He can go on...
Uh, thanks, Pyle,

but I'm afraid
you're a little too late.

I was just telling the
bad news to Boyle here.

What's wrong? What bad news?

I just talked to
Corporal Wolnick.

Tipper's mother's having
a real bad time of it.

Won't eat, won't sleep,
won't bark... nothing.

Oh, that's a shame, Sergeant.

Yeah, a case of a
broken-hearted mother,

if I ever heard of one.

So what could I do?

I had to tell Wolnick
I'd send the pup back.

But, Sergeant, you couldn't.

I hated to, but I have to, Pyle.

Terrible, terrible, terrible!

I can imagine how
you feel, Sergeant,

knowing what Tipper
means to Miss Bunny and all.

Like a rat, a real rat.

But you're doing
the right thing.

Guess there's nothing else you
can do under the circumstances.

Would you tuck this
in Tipper's basket

as kind of a going away gift?

Sure thing, Pyle.

And thanks.

Huh? Huh?

He went for it hook,
line and sinker.

You're a genius, Vince.

Sure, and Bunny will
go for the same bit.

No muss, no fuss.

Just one little question, Vince.

What about the puppy?

What about the puppy?

Well, where does he go?

If Wolnick won't take
him back, what's the plan?

I'll take him to a pet shop.

That way, number one,

he'll have lots of
company during the day,

and number two, sooner or later,

some nice guy's going to come in

and take him home
to some lucky kid.

Aw, come on, Chuck.

Would I do anything that
wasn't on the up and up?

You know me.

Yeah, that's why I asked.

I just wish you
hadn't given him to me

in the first place if I knew
I had to give him back.

Aw, come on, Bunny.

It's just one of those things.

It could happen to
anybody and his mother.

I can't help it.

I'm so used to the little thing.

Always waiting for me
when I get home from work.

Well, I, I guess I
better take off, huh,

before we both fall apart?

I mean, for all our sakes.

I guess you're right.

No use crying over spilled milk.

Oh, I'm sorry, Tipper, sweetie.

But it's for your
own good, honest.

And who knows,

maybe I'll even come
and visit you now and then.

Yeah, sure you will.

Look, Bunny, while I'm gone,

why don't you get
yourself all dolled up

for a night on the town?

You know, take
your mind of things.

Okay, Vince, whatever you say.


Well, no use keeping
your old lady waiting.

Huh, old sport? (knocking)

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Gomer! I got it all
solved, Miss Bunny.

I got it all solved.

You got what all solved?

What are you doing
with that, that horse?

It's not a horse, sergeant,
this is Cleopatra. Who?

Cleopatra, Tipper's mama.

I arranged with Corporal Wolnick

to bring her over twice a week
so she can visit with Tipper.

You what? See, sergeant?

Now Tipper don't
have to go back.

He don't have to go back at all.

Gomer, you doll!

Ooh, you absolute doll!

Well, I knew I had to do
something, knowing how you

and Sergeant Carter
felt about Tipper.

Ain't that right, Sergeant?

BUNNY: Did you
hear that, Tipper?

You're not going back after all!

You're going to stay right here.

(whimpers, barks)

And you, too, Gomer.

You're gonna stay for dinner, so
Tipper and his mama can spend

as much time as
they want together.

Bless his heart.

Not only do I have a puppy,

now I got a puppy,
a puppy's mother

and Pyle, Papa Puppy.

I got a whole family.

Well, at least you
have one consolation.

He'll grow out of it and then
he won't need all that attention.

Sure, then he'll be
a bigger nuisance!

I'll have to walk him
around the block.

I'll have to take
him for his shots.

I'll probably even have
to fix him up with dates

the way things are going now.

Oh, no. No, I've got
to do something now

before Bunny really
gets too attached to him.

What? Well, you
know, I've been thinking.

I know, I can see
the perspiration.

I mean, what if we drop
by Bunny's apartment?

You know, while she's at work.

I know where she leaves the key.

My sergeant, the dognapper.

It's not like that at all.

I got it all worked out
with a guy at the pet shop.

He's gonna make sure
that Tipper gets a nice home

with lots of kids.

I'm doing it as much
for him as for me.

What am I, a rat?

No comment.

Gone? Just like that?

Oh, what a shame.

Are you sure you
looked all over?

Uh, look, Bunny, take it easy.

I'll be right there.

Just sit down and calm yourself.

No, no. I'll check the pound.

Yeah, I'll drive around
the entire neighborhood.

I promise. I'll look
around real good.


Sounds kind of different
with a knife in her back,

don't she, Vince?

Oh, will you stop.

Look, I told you.

It was either me or the pup.

Hey, sergeant, are
you going into town?

Got bad news for you, Pyle.

Real bad news this time.

Bunny just called,
the pup ran away.

He ran away?

Yeah, up and left.

Why, that's terrible, sergeant.

Terrible, terrible, terrible.

Yeah, well, look, I better
rush over to Bunny's,

she's pretty upset.

Take over, Boyle.
I may be a while.

Wh... why, that's
the most terrible thing

I've ever heard of.

Yeah, that's for sure.

Well, how did he get out? How?

Look, Pyle, what's done is done.

I've got work to do.

Poor Miss Bunny.

She was so attached
to that little fella.

Sure wish there was
something I could do.

Poor, little Tipper.

Wandering around just
whining his little heart out.

Oh, come on, Bunny,
he's not wandering around.

You know what?

Some kid picked him up,

probably flipped over
Tipper the minute he saw him

and took him back
to a nice home.

But how can we be sure?

And I'll tell you
something else.

A kid can give a pup a lot
more love than a working girl.

You shouldn't have a dog, Bunny.

Not when you have to
leave him alone all the time.

Maybe you're right, Vince.

It's just that I was getting
so attached to Tipper,

coming home to all that
love and companionship.

Oh, don't worry about that.

I'll make sure
you get all the love

and companionship you can stand.

Oh, Vince. Believe me,
if I can't make you forget

a little two-pound puppy.

(knocking) Tipper?!

Maybe it's somebody
who found Tipper!

Well, I wouldn't set
my hopes on it, honey.


Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Oh, Gomer, bless you!

Where did you find him?

Wait'll you hear, Miss
Bunny just, wait'll you hear.

You see, when the sergeant
here told me the terrible news,

I just couldn't sit
around and do nothing,

so I decided I'd
have a look around.

And I looked high and low, too.

High and low. And?

And then I got an idea.

I thought to myself, "Well,
what if somebody found Tipper,

"and then couldn't
take him home with him,

"what would they do?

They might just sell
him to a pet shop."


What'd you say, Sergeant?

Huh? Oh, nothing.

I just said, uh... (sighs).

Aren't you happy we found him?

Oh, sure, sure.

That's what that was, a sound
of relief that we found him.


Vince, can you believe it?

No, I really can't.

Well, I guess I better get going

and leave you three
alone for awhile.

Wait a minute, Gomer.

Didn't you say you
bought him back?

How much did you
have to pay for him?

Well, it was only $35.

35 bucks?!

That's right, Sergeant,
and I wasn't about

to argue, neither,
knowing you wanted

to get Tipper back for
Miss Bunny at any price.

Vince, give Gomer the
$35, and with thanks.

Actually, Sergeant, it
was $36.50 with the tax.

Which ain't hardly nothing,
consider you're gonna get

a million dollars
worth of happiness

out of that little puppy.