Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 3, Episode 10 - Marry Me, Marry Me - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Mm-hmm, mm-mm.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, I was just
talking to myself.

I said, "Mm-mm". Oh.

I said that on account
of this here picture,

of "The Beast Eatin"
The Eiffel Tower".

Well, in the movie
he never did eat it.

He just stomped it down.

You know you're right.

I never noticed.

They put a lot of
things on the posters

that are not in the movies.

Like this one back here?

See where the Mud
Creature's oozing up the steps

of the Egyptian Embassy?

That wasn't even in the picture.

Say, you're right.

Oh, you certainly
have a good memory.

Oh, it's not that exactly.

I just seen this picture twice.

Oh, then you like
monster movies, too?

I sure do.

And I sure did enjoy the
last one they had here:

"I Was a Teenage Insect."

Did you see that?

No, I didn't.

You didn't?

Well, it was a real good one.

You see, this scientist feller

was tampering with things
that are best left alone

and, well, it gets
kind of complicated.

And I don't guess you got
time to hear the whole thing.

Well, I am waiting for a bus,

but it isn't due for
another half an hour.

We could go across the street

and have a cup of coffee

and you could tell
me all about it there.

I'd like that.

Do you like sodas?
They're my favorite.

Oh, I love cherry sodas.

They're my favorite.

Cherry sodas? Mine, too!

Well, isn't it a small world?

It sure is.

I mean, well, it's so
unusual to meet somebody

who likes the same
things you like.

I'm Alice. Alice Borden.

I'm Gomer Pyle

and I'm pleased to know
you. How do you do?

Well, what this
scientist feller done

with his tampering

was to put this teenage
girl into a deep, deep sleep

and when she woke up,

she was crawling
up the sugar bowl.

So, this scientist
feller falls in love

with the insect
that he's created,

but he can't change her back.

So, guess what? What?

He changes
himself into an insect

and, at the end of the picture,
they go crawling off together.


I just love pictures with a
happy ending, don't you?

I certainly do.

(clears throat)

(laughs) Hey, Gome.

Hey, Duke!

Hello there!

Uh, this is my
buddy, Duke Slater.

This is Miss Alice Borden.

How do you do? Hello.

Won't you sit down
and join us, Duke?

Huh? Oh, no, no.

I'll move on, you, uh...

you two look like you
want to be left alone.

Oh, go on, Duke.


It was just Duke
clowning around.

Would you like another soda?

Well, I think I...

Oh, dear, I missed my bus.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all my fault
for rattling on so.

I don't mind, really.

I just enjoy talking to you.

Well, since you do have
to wait on the next bus,

did you ever see the movie

where the giant
moth lit on Japan?

No, I didn't.

That was another good one.

You see, this scientist
feller was tampering around

with things that
are best left alone,

and one day he was experimenting

and so he was
there in his house...

Where you going, Gome?

Oh, into town.

You got a date?

Uh-huh, sorta.

That young lady you
met last night. Yeah.

Hey, I haven't had a
chance to ask you about her.

Who is she? Where'd
you meet her anyway?

At the movies.

We got to talking
about monster movies.

She likes 'em, too.

You picked her up
at a monster movie?

Well, it wasn't like that, Duke.

We just met.

Well, call it what you want.

Hey, Casanova, way to go there.

Good work.

You shouldn't
talk like that, Duke.

That poor girl's
had a lot of grief.

Yeah? That's right.

She's lost her parents,

and her and her brother
are staying at this motel

and they're working
their way to Oregon

to start a new life.

Oh. well, she seems
like a very nice girl.

She is.

And, we got a lot of common.

We both like cherry sodas,

and popcorn, and monster movies.

You know, I'd try it myself...

Find something real cute
like that at a monster movie.

I'm afraid that's what
I'd wind up with...

A monster.

You're just cynical, Duke.

Well, I'll see ya.

Hey, Gomer, if
she's got a sister...

naw, forget it.

She'd probably be a monster.

Cynical, cynical, cynical.

I certainly did enjoy
myself tonight, Gomer.

Well, I'm sure glad, Miss Alice.

Hi, Lloyd.

Oh, hi, sis.

Gomer, this is
my brother, Lloyd.

Lloyd, this is Gomer Pyle.

Pleased to meet you, Lloyd.

Same here.

Gomer, it's so early.

Why don't we sit on the
swing and talk for a while.

If you'd like.

Well, I guess you two
have things to talk about.

I'll go on inside and read.

Don't let us run you off, Lloyd.

Oh, that's all right.

The light's better inside.

Your brother, Lloyd,

seems like a real nice feller.

Oh, I just knew you
two would hit it off.

Just like you and I did.

You know something, Gomer,
you're awfully easy to talk to.

I mean, most fellows,
well, with them,

it's hard to really
say anything.

It's just the same old
talk that you talk to people

that you really don't
know how to talk to.

Well, thanks.

I guess it's because we
have so much in common.

That's right.

We both like monster movies.

And cherry sodas.


Oh, Gomer,

you must think
I'm awfully silly.

Why, no.

What makes you
say a thing like that?

Well, because I enjoy
talking to you so much,

and... this is just
everyday to you.

Why, it isn't either.

You're not just saying that?

Golly, no.


Wouldn't it be wonderful

if we could sit and talk
like this every night?

Forever and ever?

Well... that'd be nice.

Oh, Gomer!

I accept! You do?

Lloyd! Oh, Lloyd!

Lloyd, guess what?

Gomer just proposed to me!

He didn't! When?

Just now! Isn't it exciting?

Well, well, well.

Congratulations, brother-in-law.

You're gonna get what?!

Married... I think.

You think?

Pyle, what is this,
some kinda gag?

No, Sergeant.

It's a surprise to me, too.

I mean, that's my problem.

She said "yes"

before I realized
I'd made a proposal.

What's that supposed to mean?

Just means that she
was answering questions

I didn't think I was asking.

Pyle, did you propose
to the girl or not?

I didn't mean to,

but I guess she
took it that way.

What did you say to
her, for Pete's sake?

Well, I told her I
liked to talk to her.

You told her you
liked to talk to her

and she said,
"Yes, I'll marry you"?

I think it was the part

about forever
and ever that did it.

Pyle, how long have
you known this girl?

Going on three days.


One of them long engagements.

I mean, she's a real
nice girl and all, Sergeant,

but I just don't
want to get married.

You don't?

Well, not now, anyways.

And not to a girl I've
known only three days.

Okay, then, it's simple.

Just call her up

and tell her you don't
wanna get married.

But I don't hardly see
how I can do that, Sergeant.

It seemed all kinda
settled last night.

Look, Pyle,

this girl tricked
you into proposing.

It's a racket
and you fell for it.

You mean she don't
wanna marry me?

Oh, she'll marry you, all right.

She'll marry you
for your paycheck.

My paycheck?

That's right.

The wife of a serviceman

gets a nice monthly allotment.

That's all she wants.

Right after you're married,

she'll disappear with a story

about how some relative is sick

and just send her the check,

in care of general
delivery in that city.

She will? Mm-hmm.

And after about six
months or a year,

you're suddenly gonna realize

you don't really have a wife

so you stop them checks.

But in the meantime,

she's married maybe
four other guys,

who are also sending her checks.

Now, that's 360 bucks a month!

Tax free, huh?

Oh, I can't believe it!

Ah, them girls hunt
for suckers in uniform.

There's a flock of
'em... Like buzzards.

But she seems so nice.

Dump her! Dump her!

But how, Sergeant?

Pyle, take it from me.

The voice of experience.

She'll dump you in a minute

if she finds a better
sucker to marry.

It's hard to believe
that of Alice.

All right, I'll prove it to you

and get you off the
hook at the same time.

How? Simple.

I'll take her away from you.


Pyle, I told you

if a better sucker came along,

she'd go for him,
well, that's me.

Just give me the girl's address.

But, Sergeant...

Pyle, aside from the
obvious difference

in physical attraction,

she'll be looking at the sleeve.

Since a sergeant makes
more than a private,

she'll dump you and
go for me, just watch.

Sergeant, even if she did,

and I don't think she will,

then you'd have to marry her.


I'd have to dump her.

She dumps you, I dump her.

I just can't believe it.


Why can't you believe it?

I just can't believe
that of Alice.

A girl that likes monster movies

and cherry sodas
can't be all bad.

(knocking on door)


Oh, uh, Miss Borden?


I'm Vince Carter.

Gomer Pyle's sergeant.


May I come in?

Well, yes, I suppose so.


Is, um, anything wrong?

Well, Pyle, uh...

Gomer told me about
the happy occasion,

and since I'm
his sergeant, uh...

I sort of feel
responsible for him...

Almost like a father...

So, I thought I'd drop around
and meet the blushing bride.

(laughing): Oh.

Oh, say, this is for you.

Oh. It's champagne.

I know that Gomer
on his private's salary

would never be able to
afford a bottle of champagne.

So, it's my little treat.

Now on your wedding
night, have one on me.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much, Sergeant.

Um, Sergeant, would
you like a cup of coffee?

I'd love one.

And you can call me, Vince.

Oh, Vince, I'm
awfully glad I met you.

You're so easy to talk to.


A lot easier than
some you might know.

Is that supposed
to mean something?

Well, if you don't know,

there's no reason
for me to tell you.


It's like you said.

You and me get
along good together.

Well, you are easy
to talk to, Vince.

What's the matter, Vince?

You know, I feel
kinda like a rat.

I come here to check on a girl

one of my men is
gonna marry and... And?

beginning to happen

and I don't like it.

What, Vince? What?

Why don't you make me leave?

Before we're both sorry.

No, Vince, please don't go.

But it just ain't fair, Alice.

It just ain't.

There's Pyle... a nice little
private waiting to marry you,

and here am I, a
sergeant, acing him out.

It just ain't fair.

Vince, listen.

Sometimes we just
can't help these things.

We can't?

Of course not.

If it's got to happen,
it's got to happen.

Why fight it?


And don't they say,
"All's fair in love and war?"

Oh, they do, Vince, they do.

And don't they say,
"Why settle for beans

when you can have steak?"

Oh, Vince, I accept!

Lloyd! Lloyd!

You must be Lloyd.

Oh, Lloyd, guess what?

Vince just proposed!



Oh, that's right.
You two haven't met.

This is my brother, Lloyd.

Lloyd, Vince Carter.

Well, congratulations,

You sure are a fast worker.

Oh, isn't it exciting?

Who would have thought
when I came in tonight

that things would be
winding up like this, huh?

Who would have thought?

Oh, say, I hate to
bring up a sour note,

but Pyle... What do
we do about Pyle?


I'll tell you what.

Why don't you write him a
letter tonight and tell him?

I'd rather it came from you.

I'll let him down as
gently as possible.


Well, I've got to be going.

I've got plans to
make and things to do.


See you soon.

Nice going, babe.

That was a shrewd move.

Yeah. It's a pain.

Boy, the things I
do for you, Lloyd.

How about the
things I do for you?

Do you think I like letting
other guys propose to my wife?

Oh, yeah. I bet it
bothers you a lot.

Look, stop complaining.

There's nothing more sure
than a serviceman's allotment.

It comes in like clockwork.

Well, maybe you're right, Lloyd.

But sometimes I think
we're too hung up on security.

Did I call it, Pyle, huh? Did I?

Well, it's hard to
believe, Sergeant.

Yeah. Well, I had
to do it that way

to prove it to you, Pyle.

It's too bad you had to learn.

It's terrible, just terrible.

What kind of people are those?

Leeches, Pyle...
not people, leeches.

Well, you sure knew
what to do, Sergeant.


Maybe next time
you'll listen to me

and learn from my experience.

I sure will, but how
are you going to get

out of marrying Alice?

It's already done.

The minute I got back
on the base last night,

I called her up and said,

"It's been a great
engagement, toots,

but I've been thinking
it over, and adios."


Ah, when you know,
Pyle, you know.

Colonel wants to see you, Sarge.

Right. So, let this
be a lesson to you.

You're off the hook,
I'm off the hook,

and she's down the drain,

and there's nothing
she can do about it.

Just chalk this up to
experience, and a lucky one.

Right, Sergeant, and
it's all thanks to you.

Well... You better
hurry up, Sarge.

The colonel's waiting.

Right, right. Here I go.

Come in.

That's him! That's the man!

I want him arrested!


Sergeant, would you
mind explaining this?

Sir, what have they told you?

Is it true you asked this
woman to marry you?

ALICE: Yes, he did,
and he can't deny it!

I think I'd better discuss
this with the sergeant. Alone.

All right, but something's
going to have to be done.

We don't want to make
trouble, but if we have to...

(Alice crying)

(door closes)


I can explain this
whole thing, sir.

I certainly hope so.

Well, you see, sir, this
girl is a con artist, a phony.

Only one of my
men didn't believe it,

so I went out to
prove something.

Yes. Did you ask
her to marry you?

Well, sir, this man in
my platoon was tricked

into marrying her, and I
was just trying to get him out.

Sergeant, did you
ask her to marry you?

Well, it was the only way
I could prove to this man

that she was a con artist, sir.

Dangerous game.

Did she trick you
into proposing?

Oh, sir, I wouldn't
fall for that old game.

I tricked her!

Then you got your
man out of trouble?

That's right, sir.

But, you, Sergeant,
are in big trouble.

But, Colonel, I proved that she

was just after a meal ticket...

A serviceman's allotment.

I think you're probably
right, and I admire the fact

you wanted to get
your man out of trouble,

but you handled it
in the wrong way.

You should have gone
through channels, Sergeant.

You know there are departments
set up for this sort of thing.

Yes, sir.

I don't know what
this fellow has in mind

when he says he
can make trouble,

but I want this
settled... quietly.

Yes, sir.

That's all, Sergeant.

Thank you, sir.

Hello, heartbreaker.

Oh, why don't you stop?

You're not fooling anybody
with that act of yours.

What do you want?

We want to see
you brought to justice

for breach of promise.


Ah. I figured there
was a however.

What's your however?

Nothing. It's just that
lawsuits take so long,

and we would like to
leave for Oregon right away.


So, the technical term
is "settling out of court."

Oh, I get it.

This is a shakedown.

You're nothing but
common crooks.

Uh-uh-uh. Bite your
tongue, Sergeant.

There are also
laws against slander.

Now, do we settle this
like reasonable people,

or do I go in to see
the colonel again?

Uh, wait.


Well, what kind of settling
are you talking about?

Well, I figure we could
patch Alice's heart,

and get to Oregon on 500 bucks.

(loudly): Five...

(quietly): hundred bucks?!

We're giving you a break
because you're a serviceman.

Why, you... Uh-uh-uh, Sergeant.

You wouldn't want to add

an assault and battery
charge, would you?

That's better.

You can pay us anytime
as long as it's by Friday.

I feel terrible,
really terrible.

Just terrible.

Okay, okay, but there's
nothing you can do about it.

Yes, there is. I can
pay the $500 for you.

Where are you going to get $500?

Well, I could pay
them $2 a month.

That's what I put in
my savings account.


It don't sound like
much, but it adds up.

That's $24 a year.

Pyle, they're not going to
wait 20 years for the money!

It's closer to 21.

In fact, it's 21 exactly.

Look, let's just say this is
a very expensive lesson,

not to butt into
anybody else's business.

But Sergeant...

You can't help me, so forget it.

But where are you
going to get $500?

I don't know.

I could always sell my car.

It's worth almost $900.

I still owe a thousand on it.

I don't know, Pyle.

I'll think of something.

Just get out of here
and leave me alone.

Right, Sergeant.


You got to be kidding. 76 bucks?

But it was all I could
get from my buddies.

$76 down, and then
two dollars a month

till it's all paid off.

Just like the way they
do in department stores.

It's nice you want to
help your sergeant,

but we couldn't
settle for 76 bucks.

Okay, but it's only
fair to warn you...

The weed of crime
bears bitter fruit.

I don't believe him.

(loud knocking)

Pyle, what are you doing here?

He was just leaving.

I tried, Sergeant. Huh?!

You bring the money?



Well, closer to 50.

Closer to 40!

Why, the private here was
going to do better than that.

What don't you take
the $76 and the $40,

and we'll pay
you the rest later?

I got $76.

Now wait a minute!

What do you take us for?

We want 500 bucks, and
we're not going to settle for less.

Well, I can't get it this quick.

I need more time.
How much more time?

About a year and a half.

LLOYD: Alice,
let's call the lawyer.

Wait a minute. You can't
do this to Sergeant Carter.

Oh, no? We've got a legitimate

breach of promise case.

Pyle, will you stay out of this?

You going to pay
the money or not?

I can't get it this
quick, I told you!

Alice, call!

But if this ever gets out,

they'll be saying terrible
things about Sergeant Carter.

Yeah. Call, Alice!

Wait a minute.

If anybody's reputation
is going to get abused,

then it ought to be
mine, 'cause I asked first.

What?! I asked you
to marry me first,

so I got first choice
in getting sued.

You got 500 bucks?

No. LLOYD: The lawyer, Alice!

Call him. Wait a minute!

You can't do that!

What's going to stop me?

Well, I'll stop you!

Oh, really? How?

I'll marry you!

Pyle! Marry me?!

Marry you. You
said you'd marry me

before you said you'd
marry Sergeant Carter,

and I can't afford to get sued,

so I guess I'll just
have to marry you.

Pyle, you can't marry her.

You can't stop me, Sergeant.

Listen to your sergeant, kid.

No, I'm going to marry her.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't marry you if
you were the last guy...

Don't matter now.

You promised.


I think maybe it is
time Pyle got married.

Lloyd, I'm not
going to... Shut up!

Now, look, 500 isn't much

if you split it between
the two of you.

Yeah, but I think marriage
would be good for Pyle.

And this is a great
day for a wedding.

Yeah. I think it's about
time Pyle settled down

and had a few kids.

ALICE: What?!

Uh, call the chaplain, Pyle.

Yes, Sergeant.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Now, look, we're
all friends here.

If you're in a bind,
we'll settle for $250.

Not a cent.

Pyle's happiness is at stake.

Call the chaplain.
Yes, Sergeant.

Wait a minute! Hold it!

Look, Alice don't want
to marry the dummy,

and the dummy don't
want to marry Alice.

So, fair's fair.

We'll just take
the money you got

and forget the whole thing.

And you won't sue
Sergeant Carter?

No. We'll let it go.

Sounds fair to me, Sergeant.

Well, not to me.

That's our last offer, jarhead.

Alice don't have to marry him,

and we'll still sue you.

He does have a
point there, Sergeant.

He ain't got a point,
we got the point.

Go ahead and sue.

You think we won't?
Alice, call the lawyer.

Pyle, call the lawyer.

You mean the chaplain?

I mean a lawyer.

But they're calling a lawyer.

We're supposed
to call a chaplain.

Not anymore.

If she's suing
me for jilting her,

then you're suing
her for jilting you!


Sergeant's right.

Turnabout's fair play.

Oh, I should have
thought of this before.

We got the best end of the deal.

She threw Pyle over to get me.

Judges don't like that.

Now, wait a minute, Sergeant...

Pyle, call the
lawyer. Wait a minute.

Maybe you've got a point.

Alice and me...

We'd like to discuss
it for a minute.

Uh, maybe we could
work out a settlement.

Come on, Alice.


Sergeant, even if we can sue
them more than they can sue us,

I don't want to,
because it's not

a fair and honest
way to earn money.

Well, I don't want
to sue them, either.

I just want to throw
a scare into them

to get them off our back.

That's called diplomacy.

Well, what do you
think they'll do?

What if she decides
she will marry me?

No, she ain't
going to marry you,

she ain't going to marry me,

she ain't going
to marry anybody.

They're going to try to weasel
their way out of this is what.

Just watch. They'll
come back in here...

(doors closing)

(car engine
starting and revving)

(tires squealing)


Looks like my diplomacy worked.

Sure did.

Maybe they'll live a
better life in Oregon.


I beg your pardon?

Oh, I was just
talking to myself.


This picture
here... It's not right.

It's not?

No, you see where the giant
caterpillar is spinning a cocoon

around the United
Nations building?

Well, in the movie, he
spun it around Grant's Tomb.

Oh, that's true.

Guess you think
I'm kind of silly,

but I always compare
these publicity pictures

with the movies.

Do you ever do that?

Yes, I do.

I was talking to a young
lady just the other evening

about the very
same thing, and she...

You like monster movies?


Do you like cherry sodas?


Bye, ma'am.