Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 29 - Desk Job for a Sergeant - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

("Marine Corps Hymn" playing)

All right, come on, come
on, get them wires connected.

Snap it up. Move, move, move!

Boy, the Sergeant sure is setting
a blistering pace today, ain't he?

Blistering is right.

All right, come on, report in.

Give our position.

And remember, Pyle,
use the phonetic alphabet.



We are at, uh... point L-T.

But for L it's Lima, T is Tango.

You got that, Pyle?

Yes, sir. Lima-Tango.

I remember 'cause Lima's a
bean and Tango's a dance.

I don't care how you
remember, just remember.

Call in.

Yes, sir.

Hello.

This here's Baker
Company reporting in at...

a bean... a bean...
Oh, yeah, Lima...

Dance, dance, begins with "T"...

We're at Lima-Turkey Trot.

We're at Lima-Tango. Out.



Tango, Tango.

Don't know why I
couldn't remember that.

That's what George Raft used
to dance with Joan Crawford.

They'd do them
low dips at the end.

Pyle, will you knock it off?

Boyle, call in the men
from the lookout points.

(mutters)

Sergeant Carter.

Yes, sir.

From what I've observed, you seem
to have a very good understanding

of our training techniques.

Thank you, sir.

Sergeant, we've been looking
for a noncommissioned officer

with combat experience to
help compile training manuals.

You might be just
right for the job.

Training manuals?

Just a temporary
assignment for two weeks.

That's why we're putting
it on a voluntary basis.

We don't want to take a man
who feels he can't be spared

from his present duties.

Well, sir, with the
Captain's permission,

I think I better pass it up.

You see, uh...

I've been with this bunch
since boot camp, and, uh...

well, it's not that
they're not a good outfit.

It's just that... well,
they've still got a ways to go

and somebody has to
stay on them every minute.

I understand.

But if there's any change
in the situation, let me know.

Yes, sir.

Sounded like a pretty
good deal, Sarge.

Yeah.

Sure, it was a good deal...

A nice desk job at headquarters.

What could be better?

But could I take it? No.

You want to know why?

Because this chowderhead
platoon can't blow its nose

without me, that's why.

Somebody else
gets all the nice jobs.

I'm stuck with the
monkeys in the zoo.

Come on, monkeys,
let's finish our work.

Ain't that a shame.

It's really too bad Sergeant
Carter can't take that there job.

Why he... CARTER:
Pyle, over here.

You know, Duke,
come to think of it,

it would have been
kind of sweet having

big daddy off our backs
for a couple weeks.

Yeah.

You know, if Corporal
Boyle agreed to take over,

Carter might go
for that other job.

Hey, that's worth a try.

Boy, I sure don't
understand it, Corporal.

Huh?

Why Sergeant Carter
didn't take that job.

After all, he's got you
to take over for him.

What are you talking about?

I'll bet it never even occurred
to him, you know that, Duke,

that the Corporal
could take over for him.

Yeah, because Sergeant
Carter must have

a lot of confidence in you.

Don't you think so?

Boy, if he doesn't have confidence
in you by now, well, I don't know.

Now look, stay
out of it, will ya?

Sure. We just thought
it was worth mentioning,

because we sure think of
you as a second sergeant.

And we thought the Sarge
thought of you as a second sergeant.

Well, we'll... we'll talk
to you later, Sergeant...

uh... Corporal.

Did you see these
rifle score sheets?

Did ya?

Miss, miss, miss,
miss, miss, miss, miss.

Those guys couldn't hit
the floor with their shoes.

Well, we've got some
more practice scheduled.

They're not just knuckleheads,

but near-sighted knuckleheads.

For this I give up a
job at headquarters.

A chance to take
advantage of a good job

for a man with my
experience, and I can't take it.

And what do you suppose
would happen if you did take it?

You think it would be
the end of the platoon?

Huh?

I mean, what am I here for?

What am I supposed
to be training for?

It means only one thing...

You got no confidence
in me, huh? Is that it?

No, that's not it.

I've got confidence in you.

You're sharp, you're
dependable, you're a good worker...

But?

But I don't think you
can handle the platoon.

Hey, Sergeant, where do
you want me to put this wire?

Why isn't that on a reel?

You mean that little spool?

Well, I couldn't find it.

I guess it's out there in
that tall grass somewheres.

Phones... where are the phones?

Well...

Isn't it at the end
of this here wire?

I guess that's out there
in the tall grass, too.

If you'll help me out
of this, I'll go look for it.

Is that beautiful?

Well, I'm sorry, Sergeant.

But you said get
this here equipment

in on the double.

And like I always say,
haste makes waste.

Boyle, you really think
you can handle the platoon?

Huh?

Well, just a minute ago

you said you could, didn't you?

All right, Corporal,
they're all yours.

Pyle plus Knuckleheads,
Incorporated.

The whole mess...

They're all yours
for two whole weeks.

And no welshing,

because I want to
enjoy every minute of it.

Here's some more
instruction sheets

on the new radio gear, Sergeant.

Oh, yes, so they are.

And the Captain said
he'd like to talk to you later

about the training
school curriculum.

Oh, sure, sure.

The curriculum, huh?

Yeah, a list of studies
for each course.

Oh, sure, sure.

Well, you can't do a
thing without curriculums.

(chuckles)

Boy, they sure use fine
print in this stuff, don't they?

If you don't mind a
suggestion, Sergeant,

you're going to be doing
a lot of close paperwork

and it might be worth your
while to get some reading glasses.

Glasses? Me?

Well, they can fix you up
with a pair at the dispensary.

They really help.

Yeah, maybe I will.

Hi, Vince.

Oh, hi, Boyle.

Don't tell me you want to
back out on the deal already.

What's the matter,
too much for you?

There you go... no confidence.

No, no.

Just a couple of things
came in for you to sign.

(clears throat)

Hey, nice setup.

What do you mean nice?

Perfect.

You want to know the best part?

Listen.

You hear that?

I don't hear anything.

Exactly.

You don't hear anything.

No yelling, no
goofups, no nothing.

Just beautiful silence,
huh? (chuckles)

Something else.

What do you see out there?

The drill field, the barracks...

Now what do you see?

Nothing.

You don't see nothing.

Ain't that great?

One pull on the string...
(snaps fingers) presto!

I don't even have to watch
that bunch of knuckleheads.

It's like a dream come true.

Hear no monkeys, see no monkeys.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Well, I better be going.

Look, Boyle... Hmm?

There's still one thing
that can kill this for me.

If that platoon
starts lousing up

and they hear about
it back here, that's it.

I don't mind telling
you, for the time being

I'm enjoying this new life.

Oh, I understand.

I know it's not an easy job.

You got one guy back there
that can goof it up all by himself.

Oh, you mean... Please.

Don't even mention that name.

For two weeks, I don't
even want to know he exists.

Okay, Sarge. Eh... Uh, Boyle.

Remember, I'm counting on you.

You said you could do it.

And I'm doing it, I'm doing it.

Eh...

Sergeant... I mean, Corporal...

could you arrange liberty
for us this weekend?

Later, later, I got a few
other things to take care of.

What a time to take over.

Just when I got the color guard,
the bivouac, the camouflage drill.

(phone ringing)

Duty hut, First Platoon.

Yes, sir. Parade
formation, class A uniforms.

Yes, sir.

A muster list...

Hard to believe, isn't it?

Five whole days and
not once have we heard...

(imitating Carter):
Move it! Move it!

Yeah, I sure miss
old what's his name.

(chuckling)

Hey, fellers. Is
Corporal Boyle here?

Oh, Pyle, I'm putting
you in the color guard

for parade formation
on Saturday.

Golly!

And don't blow it.

If you foul it up in front
of the whole brigade,

well, it would be
bad for the Sergeant.

It will? Sure.

They're liable to just
take him off his new job

in headquarters and
shove him back here.

Then they're liable to think
we can't do a thing without him.

We sure wouldn't
want them to think that.

I'll see to it that everything's
as slick as can be

so he'll be proud of us.

Good.

Oh, Sergeant Perskey wanted
the bivouac gear returned,

and the corpsman said that
you forgot to send the men in

for their booster shots,

and the Lieutenant
wants you to pick up

some new radio handbooks.

Well, I'll pick up the
handbooks for you, if it's all right.

Give me a chance to say
hey to Sergeant Carter.

Is there anything you
want me to tell him?

Yeah, you can tell him
for me I'm sorry he...

Never mind.

Uh, Corporal, if you
don't mind my saying it,

I think you're doing
a real wonderful job

while the Sarge is away.

Isn't he, Frankie?
Oh, oh, real swell.

I mean, considering all
the extra details you got.

Right? Yeah, yeah, real swell.

So... so we sure hope you're not
thinking about calling the Sarge back.

Where did you get that idea?

Well, I-I just thought maybe
you were going to tell Pyle

to tell Sergeant Carter maybe...

What are you, some
kind of mind reader?

No, no, I-I just
thought th-that...

Now listen, I was left in
charge, so I'm in charge.

Right. And doing a swell
job too, right, Frankie?

Yeah, yeah, real swell.

Well, keep up the good work.

We'll be talking to you,
Sergeant... uh, Corporal.

OFFICER: Right flank... halt.

To the right flank... halt!

(men shouting cadence)

(cadence continues in distance)

Hey, Sergeant.

Oh, Pyle, it's you.

I was, uh... just getting
a breath of fresh air.

But with all that
racket out there...

How's the job going?

Oh, fine, fine.

Couldn't be better.

My own little office,
nice and private.

I just put my feet
up, light a cigar...

This is the life.

Well, I sure am glad
you like it, Sergeant.

You deserve something
restful and relaxing like this.

Yeah, yeah, it's a nice job.

Helping to prepare
them training books,

no knuckleheads to bother me.

Uh, nothing personal, Pyle.

(chuckles)

I understand.

And of course, I
spend a lot of time

putting together curriculums.

Putting together what?

Curriculums.

Can't do a thing
without curriculums.

My, my.

Ain't those becoming on you!

You look just like
Marvin Dorsey.

He works for the Civil
Service back home.

How are things back home?

In the platoon?

What's doing?

Well, we just got back
from an overnight march.

Yeah? Where'd you go?

Out through Stone Canyon.

You know that real rocky
place where you used to like

to holler out and hear
your echo come back?

How'd it go?

Well... I suppose
Lombardi forgot

his camouflage gear, as usual,

and Sousheck never was any good

at making up a pack.

I guess a lot of guys
fell out this time, huh?

Oh, no, everything
was fine, just fine.

Oh. Well, that's good.

Well, I can't take up

the time of a busy executive.

Sure wish you was
gonna be with us tomorrow

on the rifle range.

Tomorrow? Uh-huh.

You shooting for
scores tomorrow?

Look, you tell
Boyle to make sure

that Saunders gets his
windage correction right.

And Slater has to be reminded

to squeeze off his rounds,

not to snap the trigger.

I understand.

But don't you worry none
about Corporal Boyle.

He's doing a real fine job.

You just forget all about us

and enjoy this nice job
that you like so much.

Well, I'll see you, Sergeant.

(man calling cadence)

TROOPS: One,
two, three, four, five...

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Sergeant.

That's fine, Haynes.

I was just telling Haynes

how well the work
seems to be going here.

Oh, thank you, sir.

In fact, I'm sure
if you requested

a permanent transfer,
it could be arranged.

There'll be another
project after this one

and then more after that.

Here? Permanent?

Of course, it would mean
giving up platoon work.

You couldn't possibly do both.

Well, sir, I really
wouldn't like to do that.

I mean, not yet.

Not that I don't like this job.

It's just that,
well, like I said,

I've been with the same
platoon since boot camp,

and, well, if I was
to leave 'em now,

I'm sure they'd do okay...

Well, you think it over.

Yes, sir.

I will hate to leave, though.

Kind of enjoy this
for a while, anyway.

Yeah, but I know how you feel.

After being with a
bunch of guys that long,

you get to miss 'em.

No, it's not that.

It's not that I miss them.

It's that they need me.

Um, get me the
duty hut, Company B.

I'd better check on 'em,

make sure they're
all still there. (laughs)

Yeah, Boyle?

Uh, Carter. I'm gonna
be down in your area

in a couple of hours, uh...

What do you say we
have chow together?

Right, I'll meet
you at the barracks.

You come along, too.

I'll show you what I mean.

Let's see, I haven't been
there for a week, huh?

Well, just get a
load of this bunch

when I haven't been
around for a week.

You know, fellers, we ought to
keep this place looking better.

And out front's
looking real messy, too.

It ain't at all the way
Sergeant Carter taught us.

Oh, listen to this...
Corporal Pyle.

And to think, next week is
going to be just as peaceful

as this week was. Hmm...

Hey, Boyle says
to remind you guys

we're due at the rifle
range in 20 minutes.

How's he doing?

Okay, he was on
the phone to Carter.

Sergeant's coming over at noon.

He can't! He's still
got another week!

Eh, just for chow or something.

Oh. Boy, for a
minute I thought...

Wait a minute.

Just for chow?

It's a spy mission; a trap.

And if he sees
what's been going on,

he'll be back like a shot!

Fellas, I'm ashamed of you.

Gomer's absolutely right.

We ought to keep this
place looking better...

for Sergeant Carter.

Well, I sure am glad to hear.

So when we get
back from the range,

we ought to all pitch in and
really shine this place up good.

In fact, we ought to start
policing up the place right now.

Well, good, good, good.

All right, Duke,
what's the angle?

Don't you see? If we
want another week off,

we've got to prove to
Carter we're doing great.

So if we make everything pretty,

it'll give us seven more
days of peace and quiet, right?

In just a minute you'll see what

I was trying to tell
the Captain, Haynes.

You know what they say.

When the cat's away,
the mice will play?

Just keep your eyes open.

And then I'm gonna come
down on 'em... but hard.

Oh, Sergeant Carter,
hey, that's a nice surprise.

Hey, Sergeant.

We didn't know
you was coming by.

Come on, Gome,
we got to finish up.

Hey! Hi, Vince!

Hi, Boyle.

This is Corporal Haynes.

Oh, hi. How are ya?

Hey, the place
looks pretty good.

(chuckles)

(clears throat)

Okay, men, secure the work!

Chow time!

Okay, you guys, let's hustle up!

Chow time!

Double time! Hup, hup, hup!

Hup, hup, hup,
ho! Hup, hup, hup,

hup, hup, hup,
hup, hup, hup, hup...

hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup,
hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup, hup...

The rifle scores just came in

from this morning.

Oh, yeah?

How'd they make out?

Oh, not too bad.

Fact is, they did
just about as good

as they ever did.

They're still not perfect,
but it's encouraging.

Yeah.

They seem to be
holding their own, all right.

Say, Vince, how's the
job at headquarters?

You still enjoying it?

Oh, fine, fine.

It's great, huh? (chuckles)

Glad to hear it.

DUKE: Hip, hup, hup, hup, hip,

hup, forward... march!

Hup, ho, hup, ho, hup,
hup, hup, hup, hup...

Huh? How about it,
Vince? Shall we join 'em?

Huh? Uh, no, I... No,
I just came down here

to tell you I won't be
able to make it after all.

I got some extra
work that came in.

Oh. Well... I'll, uh...
I'll see you later.

Sure you wouldn't like
to have some chow?

No, no. You go ahead.

I got to get back.

Okay.

(knocking)

Hi, Haynes.

Have a good lunch?

Yeah, fine.

I, uh, guess I was wrong

about my outfit, huh?

Huh?

I mean, they were doing
pretty good without me.

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's kind of a
tribute to you, Sergeant.

After all, you're the
one that taught 'em.

Yeah, but now it's time
I shoved off, I guess.

I think that's what

the Captain was
trying to tell me.

You think?

Well, I don't know about that.

Sure. That's why they got
me over here in the first place.

The whole thing's beginning
to make sense now.

Isn't that so?

Well... So I'll take
him up on his offer.

I'll make this a permanent deal.

I'm putting in for a transfer.

Is Sergeant Carter here?

Right inside.

Hey, Sergeant!

Corporal Boyle just sent me over

to ask you if you'd
do a big favor for him

and do the barracks
inspection this afternoon.

Pyle, what are
you talking about?

Well, they sent him
way out to the boondocks

on a special detail,

and he says he certainly
would be obliged,

but you just got
time to make it.

All right.

All right, I'll do it.

Here, uh, put this
on the Captain's desk.

You coming?

I can't. Wouldn't you know it?

I got messenger duty.

I'll take the Jeep.

There goes a fine man.

Just about the
best there is going.

I sure have missed him
he's been gone so long.

Well, looks like he's going
to be gone for even longer.

He's requesting transfer here.

Huh?

Well, why would he want
to do a thing like that?

Well, I don't think he wants to,

but I guess he doesn't
feel needed back there...

Things are running so smoothly.

But they wasn't really.

What?

Well, things
weren't near as nice

as when Sergeant
Carter was there.

We barely did have
time to straighten up

the place like
he likes to see it,

on account of he was coming
by and we wanted him to be proud

of the platoon. Are you kidding?

I was the one responsible.

Oh, my gosh!

What?

Well, the barracks
he's gonna inspect now,

they never been prettier.

Now we'll lose him for
sure, and it'll all be my fault.

Ten... ten hut!

At ease.

Well, uh, that was a
pretty good inspection.

In fact, not bad at all.

If your barracks
are that good...

well, I guess you guys
are coming along all right.

Ten...

Ten hut!

Dismissed.

Hey, Sergeant.

I know I'm supposed to
be on messenger duty,

but I just didn't want
to miss being here

when you inspected the barracks.

Barracks?!

This ain't a barracks!

It's a pigsty!

Look at them bunks!

Look at them blankets!

Look at that loose gear!

Well, let's get cracking!

Come on! Move, move, move,
move, move, move, move!

Eh, you clean up the outside

and you think you're
putting one over, huh, huh?!

One lucky day on the rifle range

and you think
you're Marines, huh?

I can't turn my back on
you guys for ten minutes!

Well, the honeymoon is over!

I'm gonna run you guys ragged!

Now I got to give up

the sweetest deal a guy ever had

just to come back here and
wet-nurse you knuckleheads!

You heard me! Knuckleheads,

that's what you
are, ain't that right?!

I turn my back on you guys

for a few minutes
and you fall to pieces!

I can't believe it.

You mean it?

The Sarge was really going

to transfer out permanent?

Uh-huh, I seen the letter.

And he truly didn't like
that job at headquarters

one tiny little bit.

Now tell the truth. We
really wouldn't want

to lose Sergeant
Carter, now, would we?

Well, one more week
would have been nice, but...

Yeah. Okay, tell
me one thing, Gome.

How were you able

to wreck the joint so quick?

Well, let me tell
you, it wasn't easy.

I really had to work at it.

First, I grabbed these
blanket ends like this,

ripped these out like this

and then I messed up the
lockers real fierce like this...

Eh, you sure picked a
murderous week to take off.

Yeah, otherwise, you
could have done great.

Listen, I gave 'em
a real chewing out.

By now they ought

to have that barracks
shined up to beat the band.

Come on. Take a look.

See how they hop to
when I snap the whip.

What is this, a
barracks or a pigsty!

I told you knuckleheads to
get this place squared away!

Look at them bunks!
Look at them blankets!

Get them lockers closed!

I want these boots off the deck!

Move, move, move, move!