Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 27 - A Date with Miss Camp Henderson - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

HACKER: Beautiful.
Her eyes are beautiful.

Her nose is beautiful.

She's beautiful.

She is just beautiful.

Yeah. Beautiful.

She sure is.

How'd you like a date
with that, huh, Boyle? Huh?

Yeah, yeah. Huh?

First a little
dinner and a show,

then later a drive
up to Lookout Point.

And park a little.

Hey, Vince, you see that Boyle

out on a date with
Miss Camp Henderson?

(both laughing)

What do you mean,
"Boyle out on a date"?

Why, any one of us.

I'd say our chances

of reaching the
moon first are better.

You're not kidding, Lubik.

Well, I don't know as
I'd go that far. Huh?

I mean, the way
you guys are talking,

it's not that impossible.

It's not? Well, no.

What've you been
drinking? Because the rest

of us would like
some of the same.

All right, wise
guys. I'll tell you.

I got a theory.

My theory is that any girl,

repeat, any girl

is approachable and datable.

Including this girl?

Including this girl.
Who's this girl?

She won a beauty contest.

She's beautiful,
but she's a girl.

Therefore, she's
approachable and datable.

Okay. All right.

Then you go get a date with her.

You go get a date with
Miss Camp Henderson.

Yeah, Valentino, come
on. I'd like to see it.

Whoa, whoa, wait a
minute. Wait a minute.

First of all, I've got a girl

and I'm not about to
louse myself up with her

to prove something to you guys.

Oh, come on.

That's a pretty
safe theory, Vince.

You never have
to prove it. Ha-ha.

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'm so sure of my theory,
I could teach another guy.

Just coach him and he'll end up

with a date with that dame.

For dough? For dough.

Okay, how much, Vince?

And make it easy on yourself,
pal, because both of us

know this is a
pretty stupid bet.

How about fifty bucks?
Is that too much?

No, no, make it $50.

Hey, you're pretty
sure of this, aren't you?

Okay, now let's
set the time limit.

How much time
you figure you need?

Well, I... How 'bout a week?

Is that enough?
Well, no, not really.

Well, how about
three or four years?

All right, make it a
week. Make it a week.

Okay and here's the bet
so we both understand it.

Within the time limit,
your boy has to take

Miss Camp Henderson
up to Lookout Point.

Lookout Point?

Well, now isn't that
the best possible date?

Or is your idea of a date

going to the public
library and meeting

in front of the big dictionary
to look up bad words.

(all laughing)

Lookout Point!
Make it Lookout Point!

Good, and any guy, huh?

Well, don't pick me
an 80-year-old man.

Oh, no, no. Someone
right here on the base.

Someone you can work with.

And who's not too bad looking.

At least as handsome as you.

At least.

All right, now let's see.

I got him.

Yeah? Who?

Pyle? Pyle.

You said "anybody",
and he qualifies.

Barely, but he qualifies.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on, Vince.

I'm gonna let you off the hook.

I know how you get
carried away sometimes.

Forget the whole
thing. Forget the bet.

What do you mean?
Forget nothing.

I made a bet. I'm no welcher.

Okay, Vince, if that's
the way you want it.

Well, at least let me
make it easier for you.

Let me pick another guy.

No, no, no. You wanted Pyle?

Okay, Pyle it is.

(chuckles): Come on, Lubik.

Let's get out of here.

Let the professor start
working on his strategy.

Or can we stick around

and watch you give
Pyle his first lesson?

Nah, you can't do that.

He's gonna put
him under hypnosis.

Right, Vince? You're
gonna make Pyle

think he's Rock Hudson.

Ha! Hypnosis.

I never thought of that.

You're funny, Lubik.

Whoo-hoo! Hypnosis.

See you later, Rock.

(both laughing)

Boy... Never mind.

No, I've got to say it.

I've seen you go
out on a limb before,

but what kind of a bet is that?

You really believe that theory?

Look, there's nothing
wrong with the theory.

It happens every day. Okay.

But look what you
got to work with: Pyle.

And in a week.

What'd you want to
see me about, sergeant?

What did I want
to see you about?

What did I want
to see you about?

Oh, uh... by the way...

What do you think of this year's

choice for Miss Camp Henderson?

Well, she's very attractive.

Beautiful smile.

Hasn't she got a nice smile?

Uh-huh, real nice.

Happy looking, huh? Yeah.

That shows how
much you know, Pyle.

That is not a happy girl.

She's not?

Don't be fooled by the smile.

That's just for the newspapers.

Well, my goodness.

Why would a girl
like that be unhappy?

She's young and
pretty and popular.

And everybody wants
to take her out, right?

I'm sure of it.

Everybody wants to take her out

because she's beautiful.

They want to be seen with her.

They and show her
off like a shiny bauble.

And what do they want?

They want to kiss
that beautiful face.

The want to hug that body.

They do, don't they?

Think, Pyle, think.

Does one guy ever
take that girl out

and hug her mind? Huh?

That's right.

Take her out
just to talk to her.

I mean, this girl has a mind.

I'll bet there
are lots of things

she could talk about: politics

or history or grammar.

You think she would?

Sure, but does she
ever get the chance?

No. Sure, it's a
date every night,

but it's kiss, kiss, hug, hug.

It's disgusting.

Really? Really.

And don't think
she doesn't know it.

She knows she's
just a, a trinket.

Just a poor little
glad rag doll.

I don't know, Sergeant,
that smile of hers...

That smile of hers fades

when she gets home from a date.

Sure, she was
popular all evening,

the center of attention,

but not one man
looked at her mind.

That's true.

After awhile, it's got
to make her bitter.

All men are kissers and huggers.

Not one talker.

Is that a fact?

You know, Pyle, it's too bad

she doesn't know
men like you and me.

You know, kind,
gentle, understanding.

Men who know other
places besides Lover's Lane.

Can't you see
yourself with this girl

in a museum?

Yeah, I could but...

Yeah, in a museum or maybe...

(pounds cabinet)

Pyle, I just got
the craziest idea!

Pyle, how would
you like to personally

restore this girl's
faith in men?

Me? You.

I'd do it myself, but
you know my girl, Bunny.

She's insanely jealous.

Sergeant, I don't
know the girl...

Well, suppose I arrange
for you to meet her, huh?

Well, I don't know.

I'll arrange for you to
meet her, never mind how,

and you take her out.
What do you say, huh?

I better not.


Oh, you don't trust
yourself, is that it?

You're gonna be
like all the others

with the hugging
and the kissing...

Why, I never would!

Then prove it to her!

If this girl were drowning
wouldn't you jump in for her?

She's drowning, Pyle. Jump.

Good boy. That's a good boy.

By the way, Sergeant,

what was it you
wanted to see me about?

Oh, uh... I'll think of it.

18... 20.

Well, here we are.

Sergeant, I don't think
this is such a good idea.

I've already got a dry throat.

That means that the
words won't slip by, and...

Relax. Just relax.

Now, listen, Pyle.

In order to set up this meeting,

I had to use a little device.

What kind of device?

Well, I told her it was

for an interview for
the camp newspaper.

I told her I was the editor
and you were a reporter.

That's not a
device, that's a fib.

Well, listen. We can't
explain to her on the phone

that we're different, so, uh...

so I used a device.
You mean a fib.

It's just to establish
a beachhead.

(doorbell buzzes) So make
believe you're a reporter.

Ask a lot of questions.

How does it feel to be
Miss Camp Henderson?

Does she have any hobbies?

What's her favorite dessert?

You know, get to her mind.

Sergeant, I don't
think I want to do this.

Oh, wait a minute.

You can't back
out now. This girl...

Yes? Miss Myers?

I'm Sergeant Carter,

the editor of the Camp
Henderson newspaper.

I spoke to you
earlier on the phone.

Oh, yes.

This is Private Pyle,
one of my reporters.

He'll handle the interview.

I'm very pleased to meet you.

Won't you come in?

Won't you sit
down? Uh, no thanks.

I've got to run.

You know, keep
the presses rolling.

I just came along

to make sure the
interview gets off

on the right foot. That's funny.

They didn't say anything
about an interview

the other day when
they took my picture.

Yeah, well...

we appreciate your
giving us your time.

Now, Private Pyle
likes to get all the facts,

so he'll probably need an
evening besides this meeting.


I'll go now, so Private
Pyle can start the interview.

Start interviewing, Private.

Make it good, Pyle. Don't
forget how important this is.

(nervous chuckling)

Well, won't you sit down?

Can I get you
something? Coffee or...

Oh, no, ma'am.

Well... what would
you like to know?

Hmm? I'm a photographer's
model, I'm studying acting,

and my favorite sport
is horseback riding.

Is there something
you'd like to ask me?

No, ma'am. The fact is...

there's something
I'd like to tell you.


Sergeant Carter's not an editor

and I'm not a reporter.


Well, the sergeant
said that that was just

a device just to get us in here.

And the reason we wanted to
see you was to tell you that...

Well, you're not
just a trinket, ma'am.

And not all fellows
want to take you out

just to show you
off and to kiss you.

'Cause we know that
behind that pretty face,

there's just got to
be a pretty mind.

We know it and you
know it, and the fact is,

you're not just a
poor, little glad rag doll.

Well, that's what I
wanted to tell you.

It was nice meeting you, ma'am.


Uh, no, wait. Uh... I
have a pretty what?

Mind. Now, if
you'll excuse me...

Oh, no! Don't go.

Listen, you tricked

your way in here
just to tell me that?

You really mean that, don't you?

I mean, you're not kidding me.

Oh, no, ma'am.

Well, then...

I'm glad you tricked
your way in here.

You are?

I think that's probably

the nicest compliment
I've ever had.

It is?

Well, you see, it's not really

important how anybody looks

'cause if a person is
beautiful on the inside,

then they're beautiful
on the outside.

Now you take Abraham
Lincoln for instance.

He's the first one to admit

he's the homeliest
person ever born,

but nobody ever noticed it...

(laughing) So old Seab

got himself this
brand new tractor

and him not even
knowing how to drive a car.

Well, he wouldn't let
none of us show him.

He just jumped up on that thing

and stomped the gas
all the way to the floor.

Well, the front wheels
come off the ground

and he went off the back.

It was the funniest
thing I ever seen.

Him chasing that
tractor, yelling,

"Whoa! Whoa!"

Did it ever whoa?

No, but it did finally
run out of gas.

That's funny, Gomer.

Oh, more coffee?

Oh, no, thank you.
I really gotta go.

I didn't mean to talk
your ear off all this time.

But you didn't. I
really enjoyed it.

Well, I enjoyed myself a
whole lot, too. You know,

I've never really met
anybody quite like you.

You know, Sergeant
Carter says that all the time,

but it comes out different
the way you say it.

Oh, Gomer, um, the Sergeant said

you'd probably need an evening.

Aw, that's when we was fibbing

about being reporters.

Well, you can still have
it, that is, if you want to.

Well, it'd be an honor, ma'am.

Saturday night?

Well, Saturday
night will be fine.

Bye, Miss Julie.

Bye, Gomer.

Where is he?

Where is that nitwit?

You know, that was
some chance to take,

to leave him
alone with the girl.

Why? All he has to do is
ask her a few questions,

make an appointment
for a night interview,

and that's the date.

Up on Lookout Point
for an interview?

Why not? It's quiet...
Hey, Sergeant.

Pyle, where've you been?!
What happened?! How'd it go?

Did you set up an appointment

for a night interview?
Huh? Did you?

Oh, that's all over and
done with, Sergeant.

I told Miss Julie
the truth about us

not being on the newspaper.

You didn't.

You blew it. You
went and blew it!

Why did you blow it, Pyle?!

Well, 'cause it
wasn't necessary,

we got along just fine.

Got to be good friends.

What? You got along fine?

Uh-huh, things always work
better when you tell the truth.

Fact is, she asked me to
take her out Saturday night.

She... asked... you?

For a date.

She didn't!

Aw, that's great.
That's just great.

Now look, Pyle, the next
step is to prove to this girl

how really different you
are from all the others.

So, here's what
I want you to do.

I'm gonna let you have
my car for this date.

You are? Well, thank you.

Now you take her up to
Lookout Point and park.

Lookout Point? You mean
that Lover's Lane place?

Well, you're going
to be going up there,

not to hug and kiss.

You're going to
be going up there

to find out more about her mind.

Is that gonna prove to her

there's still some decent
guys left in the world, huh, huh?

Sergeant Carter, this is a fine
thing we're doing for that girl.

You're a good person.

Truly, truly good.

And, truly, truly, rotten.

What do you mean?

It's working, the
theory is working.

He got to her mind.

Yeah, well, what if she
tries to get to his mind?

How can she get there?

Nobody's ever been.

Why are we stopping?

Cause this is Lookout Point.

I know that.

We're lucky tonight,

there's not many
people parked up here.

So, I see.

Miss Julie, you know why
I wanted to come up here?

I think so.



Just listen.

Listen to what?

Listen to the quiet.

Just listen.

I think that's the nicest
sound in the whole world.

And it's getting harder
and harder to come by.

Seems like now, any
time of day or night,

you can always
hear a car passing by

or people talking,
or music playing.

I used to like to ride elevators
in them professional buildings.

But now, they got
loudspeakers playing music,

and in the hallways and
in offices, everywhere.

It's not that I got
anything against music,

but I don't even
think Stephen Foster

could write
anything this pretty.

Just listen.

Gomer, is that why
you brought me up here?


It's the only place I know

that's near the city,
and still so quiet.

(train whistle blowing)

Hear that?

That train?

That's the 904 to Barstow.

Ain't that a pretty sound?

Golly, ain't it peaceful?

She's kissing him.

He's not kissing her!

She's kissing him!

Huh? Let me see that!

Well, I told him
to play hard to get.

Experience is the best teacher,

and, when it comes
to girls, that's me.

Come on, pay, pay, pay, pay.


That's what you
used, right, hypnosis?

Dr. Carter's Magic Lover Course.

Would you like to sign
up for a summer session?

Or maybe a few
evening hours? Huh?

Hi, there.


These are for you.

Special delivery.

Oh, who are they from?

Me, I'm a very
special deliverer.

Yeah, well, I don't
think I know you.

Ah, but, I know you.

And for the record, I'm Charlie.

Charlie Hacker.

For your record,

I don't think I'm too
pleased to meet you.

Hey, hey, hey.

Aren't you going
to invite me in?

I am not, and you'd
better get out of here

before I call the police.

Now hold it.

I'm not looking for
trouble, but I don't get it.

You mean you'll go
out to Lookout Point

with that Private, Gomer Pyle,

but you won't even talk to me?


Well, now you did
go up to Lookout Point

with him, didn't you?

How do you know?

How? I saw you with
my own binoculars.


Well, now you don't think
I'm gonna pay off a $50 bet

without seeing it with
my own eyes, do you?

What are you talking about?

A bet that Pyle couldn't
get you up to Lookout Point.

And may I tell you that
50 out of my pocket hurts.

A... bet?

I guess I underestimated Pyle.

He must have a pretty smooth
line going for him, that boy.

(doorbell buzzes)

Hey, Miss Julie.

Hello, Gomer.

Come in.

Oh, my goodness.

Did you hurt your back?

You sure sounded anxious
to talk to me, Miss Judy.

Is it something special?


You sure are acting
strange, Miss Julie.

That's not like you.

Don't play innocent.

That's what you want, isn't it?

You're just like all the others

except you're a lot smoother.

You and your dumb hillbilly act.

Well, you got your kiss
and you won your bet,

now get out of here!

What? What's going on? What bet?

Sure, you took me
up to Lookout Point

just to listen to the quiet.

And I was dumb
enough to believe you.

With your friend
watching the whole thing.

Pretty funny.

Huh? Yes, Sergeant Hacker,

your friend, told
me all about it.

It seems he's a sore loser,

so why don't you
go cheer him up?

Buy him a beer and
have a good laugh on me!

How could you do it, Sergeant?

How could you
do a thing like that?

Look the whole thing was a gag.

That's all, a gag,
and it paid off!

What're you making
such a big thing out of it?

'Cause now that girl's
more bitter than ever.

Look, if Hacker
hadn't gone up there

and blabbed the whole story,
everything would be okay.

Go blame it on him.

The bad part is how
Miss Julie trusted me.

But you know what the
worse part is, Sergeant?

The worst part's
how I trusted you.


Hey, Pyle!

So, like I said, the whole thing

was a kind of a gag.

We sure didn't mean to
step on anybody's toes.

And one thing... Pyle
didn't know anything

about the bet or the
binoculars, nothing at all.

So for the record, let's
get him off the hook.

That really wasn't
a nice thing to do

though, Sergeant, was it?

Aw, you know, a bunch
of guys sitting around

come up with all kinds
of crazy bets and ideas.

They don't always
backfire like this one.

Well, the only
fortunate thing about it is

that you picked someone
as nice as Gomer,

who was very
sincere about it all.


Well, anyway, I'm sorry
about the whole thing.

But it was an accident
the way it came out.

Just an accident.

But, you see, it all
comes out in the wash.

I suppose.

Sergeant, would you
care for something to drink?

A beer?

Yeah, that's great.

Gomer? No, thank you.

That was sure a nice thing you
did, coming up here, Sergeant,

and explaining everything.

What you did first
though was terrible.

But this was a
nice thing you did.

Yeah, well, look
at it this way, Pyle.

You never would have met Julie

if it hadn't been for that
terrible thing I did, right?

That's right.

It was still a terrible
thing, though.

Here's your beer, Sergeant.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It was an accident,
just an accident.

Yeah, yeah.

But, as you say, it all
comes out in the wash.

Well, here we are again.

Yep, here we are again.

You know, I wanted to come
back up here just once more

to kind of wipe out
that last experience

when were being spied on.

Yeah, sure was nice
of Sergeant Carter

to let us have his car again.

I think he felt it was
the least he could do.

I suppose.



You know, the last
time we were here,

I... I was very
suspicious at first.

And, of course, I found out
that you meant well all along.

And that you're very sincere.


And, so, Gomer, if you'd
like to kiss me, I won't mind.

Of course, if
you'd rather not...

Oh, no, ma'am, it's not that.

It's just the 904
to Barstow is due

and I can't do
two things at once.

I can't kiss and listen to
trains at the same time.

So, just as soon as it
passes, I'll kiss you real good.