Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 18 - Grandma Pyle, Fortune Teller - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

Fish! Fish! You got any threes?

I've got one.

Good! I got a book.

Gomer, are you sure you
don't know any other game?

I know how to play Old Maid,

but you have to have
special cards for that.

You need the rabbits
and the firemen.

Play, Gomer.

Fish! Fish! Got any nines?

Fish. Fish.

Fish! Fish! I got my wish.

Boy, what a way to
spend a free Saturday.

You know what I wish?

I wish I had ten dollars.
You know where I'd be?

Where's that,
Duke? I'd be at that

big crap game in town. It's been
going on for a couple of days now,

and there's more money changing
hands than you've ever seen.

Yeah. I heard Sergeant
Crabtree over in Company A

won himself over 200 bucks.

200? I heard it was 300.

$300? Golly!

Fish! Fish! Got any jacks?

Pyle? Is Pyle in here?

Right here.

You got a visitor
down at the rec hall.

A visitor?

Male or female? Female.

Female? Hey, what's this, Gomer?

You been holding out on us?

She blond or brunette?

Gray. It's his grandmother.

My grandma? You mean
Grandma Pyle's here?

Good gracious alive!

Oh, my, Gomer Pyle!

It's you. It's really you!

Why, I ain't seen you

since before I left
for the Marine Corps.

That's right. Over a year.

You left exactly a week before

Veda Mae Deavereaux
had her last spell, poor thing.

Yes'm. I was sure
sorry to hear about that.

Well, she was getting on.

But do you want to
hear something funny?

Veda Mae had a
sister in Fort Lauderdale

who died of the very
same thing. Isn't that funny?

Yes, ma'am. That's
funny, all right.

But tell me, Grandma,
what are you doing here?

You never did write and
tell me you was comin'.

Why don't we come
over here and sit down?

I wanted to surprise you.

I'm on a trip, Gomer,

up to visit Eunice
in Stockton. Eunice?

Your cousin Eunice,
on the Beasley side?

Married that fella
with the funny eye.

Well, she wrote
asking me to come up,

and I thought, shoot, why not?

And, while I'm going, I'll
kill two birds with one rock,

and stop off to see you.

Well, I sure am glad
you did, Grandma.

I'm just delighted to see you!

Gomer, stand up,
and let me look at you.

My, my, how they've
stretched you out!

You look awfully thin, Gomer.

Oh, but I'm solid, Grandma.

I don't know. You
look pretty thin to me.

You know what can happen.

You can get thin and run
down, it could lead to the rickets.

Oh, Grandma, nobody in
the Marine Corps gets rickets.

Well, you won't get
them while I'm here.

Huh? Listen, Gomer, I'll tell
you what we're going to do.

You go wash your
face and brush your hair,

and I'm going to take
you back to the hotel

and buy you a nice,
big chicken dinner.

How does that sound to you?

You're free to
leave, aren't you?

Yes, ma'am, and I sure
would like to visit with you,

but I don't think I could
eat a chicken dinner.

I just ate lunch
about an hour ago.

So what? You can eat again.

Anybody flirting with the
rickets has to eat often.

You know what you can
get from rickets, don't you?

Bowlegs. Aw, Grandma...
You want bowlegs?

No, ma'am.

Well, go on, then,
and get cleaned up.

Mmm!

You didn't finish!
You didn't finish!

Yes, I did, Grandma. I'm full.

If you don't finish it,

they take it back in the
kitchen and make hash out of it.

I just can't, Grandma.

All right.

You always did look out
after me, though, didn't you?

I didn't want you
to get the rickets.

You remember when I used to
come by your house after school,

and you'd give me fresh
milk and spinach cookies,

and then you'd tell my
fortune with the cards?

Yes. We had some
nice times, Gomer.

Sure wished you had
your cards with you now.

What makes you think I don't?

You mean you do?

Right here in my purse.

Well, I'll be!

You want me to tell
your fortune now, sonny?

Well, golly! Be
just like old times.

All right.

What's that?

Oh, that's just some
slippery elm for gum troubles.

And possum hair for the joints.

Oh!

Here they are.

I ain't been using
these much lately

since so many of the
young folks moved away.

It's mostly young folks like
to have their fortunes told.

Golly. If I had some milk
and some spinach cookies,

why it'd be just like old times.

All right, here we go.

Now... keep your eyes on
the jack of spades, Gomer.

That's you.

Well, didn't I used to
be the jack of clubs?

Did you? Okay, then, keep
your eye on the jack of clubs.

Uh-huh! That's a good sign.

Oh, yes, indeedy. What is it?

A nine followed
by a five and a two.

What's that mean?

That's 17. A lucky sign.

But ain't nine and
five and two 16?

16 or 17. They're both lucky.

See, they're in
the Favored Circle.

Anything from 15 to 18,

especially if you're
jack of diamonds.

But I'm jack of clubs.

Or jack of clubs.

Oh, my! Huh?

Maybe I better do
this one over, Gomer.

They didn't come
out right this time.

Well, wait, Grandma.

Does it say something
bad? Tell me.

I'll deal them over, Gomer.

No, no. If something
bad's going to happen,

you better tell me.
It's best that I know.

Well, maybe you're right.

Maybe you should know.

But I don't know
if it'll do any good.

What is it?

Gomer, something
bad is going to happen

to somebody close to you.

Someone near and
dear to your heart.

Oh, no! I hope nothing is going
to happen to you, Grandma.

Oh, it probably
won't be me, Gomer.

I'm pretty well
protected by my charms.

It's somebody else close to you.

Who else is close to you?

Somebody here in
the Marine Corps?

Well, there's Sergeant Carter.

Gosh, I hope it's
not Sergeant Carter.

Well, it don't say who it is,
but that isn't the worst of it.

It's not?

No. The worst of it is
whatever's going to happen

to your friend is
going to be your fault.

My fault?

What is this, a
barracks or a pigpen?

It's really hard to tell!

I see Marines, but then again,

it might be just pigs
in Marine uniforms.

Did I hear anyone say "oink"?

Did you say "oink," Miller?

Did you say "oink," Dumbrowski?

Huh?

All right, I'll give you
guys exactly 15 minutes...

What's this?

Come on, who left their shoe
out in the middle of the deck?!

Could be mine, Sergeant.

What size is it?

What size is it?

Pyle, when?

When are you going to
get your head out of a locker

and shape up and be a Marine?

Now, I've been
lenient with you, Pyle.

I've been very lenient,
but I'm only human.

I'm not made out of steel.

When you joined the Marines,
you came in a knucklehead

and you've been going
downhill ever since!

I've had it with you, Pyle!

Do you know what I'm going to
have to do, you knucklehead?!

(gasping)

What's wrong, Sarge?

(whispering): I can't talk.

I've lost my voice.

What?

Do you guys realize
what's happened?

The sarge lost his voice.

(all shouting)

And do you know who
made him lose his voice?

Yeah. Hey, Gomer. Nice work.

The sergeant lost his
voice and it's all due to you.

Oh, my, oh, my.

Grandma Pyle told me something
like this was gonna happen,

and it did just
like the cards said.

What?

Nothing.

Oh, my, good gracious.

Hmm.

(whispers): What is it, Doc?

Well, it's not too
serious, Sergeant.

You've, uh... strained
your vocal cords.

What have you been
doing, Sergeant?

Screaming a lot lately?

Why do you do that, Sergeant?

I thought after boot camp
you cut down on your yelling.

I got this knucklehead that's...

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

Now don't try to use your voice.

You've overdone that already.

Now, there's only one
thing that's going to cure this.

That's complete
rest for 24 hours.

But I... Sergeant.

I don't want you to say one
single word until tomorrow.

No talking, no
whispering, nothing.

Is that clear?

Good.

I'll talk to you tomorrow.

But I... Nothing.

Uh, yes, sir, he's
here, but he can't talk.

No, sir, those are
doctor's orders.

Sergeant Carter
strained his vocal cords.

Yes, sir, yelling at a private.

It'll be taken care of, sir.

Yes, sir, I'll tell him.

That was Lieutenant Bradshaw.

He said you ought to learn

to talk softly and
carry a big stick.

And gargle a lot.

Hello, Sergeant Carter.

May I come in?

I just wanted to tell you

that I sure am sorry
about what happened.

I know it's all my fault,
but I just wanted to say

if there is anything
at all I can do

to ease your discomfort,
just don't hesitate to ask me.

"Get out before I kill you."

But Sergeant Carter... Out!

But Sergeant...
Out! Out! Out! Out!

And then his face got all
red and he couldn't talk,

and it was all my fault

because it was my
shoe that he got mad at.

Well, the cards told you.

Remember how the cards told you?

Yes, ma'am, and I
just feel terrible, though,

'cause he had such
a fine and clear voice.

Why, when he'd call my
name, you could hear him clear

from one end of
the base to the other.

Oh!

It held together.

Want to see who you're
going to marry, Gomer?

Well...

Looks like a "Q."

No, no, that's an "O."

I don't know any girl
whose name begins with "O."

Oh, you will.

Peeling on the floor
knows who you adore.

Right, Grandma, but
what am I going to do

about Sergeant Carter?

I just got to do something
to help that poor feller.

Well, don't you worry, Gomer.

I got something right
here that'll fix him up.

Let's see...

Calibus root, good
for indigestion.

Let's see now. Here it is.

Yes, this ought to do it.

What is it?

My own mixture.

Alum, molasses, and vinegar.

It's really good, huh?

Good?

Wendell Keefer took this

all the years he sang
in the church choir.

You remember Wendell.

He always had a
bottle in his back pocket.

Okay, I'll see if I can't
get him to take some.

Oh, sure, that'll do it.

Just get one spoonful into him

and it'll make him
feel as good as new.

Thank you,
Grandma, I'll do that.

I'll call you tomorrow.

This is rotten.

Corporal Boyle, is Sergeant
Carter around this morning?

No, he's in his bunk taking
it easy. Doctor's orders.

What do you want?

Well, can he talk yet?

No, not a word.

Then, I wonder if you'd
do me a favor, Corporal.

Would you give this
medicine to Sergeant Carter

and ask him to
take a spoonful of it?

Well, what is it?

Well, it's a remedy that
my Grandma gave me.

She's practically
a miracle worker

when it comes
to things like this,

and she said it'd fix
the sergeant right up.

Pyle, are you kidding?

Sergeant Carter wouldn't
take any home remedies,

especially if it came from you.

(pounding)

What's that?

He's banging his shoe.

Three bangs. He
wants his coffee.

But this'd do him so much good.

Maybe you could convince him.

Forget it, Pyle.

He wouldn't take any of
your grandmother's medicines

and I wouldn't suggest
it for a million dollars.

But back home, Grandma
Pyle's practically a doctor!

Forget it. Hmm.

No cream.

Pyle, are you still here?

Uh, I was just going. Good.

Well, give Sergeant
Carter my best,

and tell him the love of the
whole platoon is with him.

Here's your coffee, Sarge.

Thank you.

(phone rings)

I'll get it.

Hello?

Sergeant Carter's office.

B Company. Corporal
Boyle speaking.

I'm sorry.

Sergeant Carter isn't able
to talk to anyone this morning.

Well, that's all
right, Corporal.

This is Commander Snyder.

I'm calling to have
him test his voice.

Put him on, will you, please?

Oh. Yes, sir, Commander.

Hey, Sarge, doctor's on the
phone. He wants to talk to you.

He'll be here in a second, sir.

(mouthing)

Here he is now, sir.

Sergeant Carter? It's been
24 hours since you've used

your voice, and I
think you ought to try it.

Now, don't raise
your voice at all.

Just take it easy
and speak to me.

(high-pitched
voice): Hello, Doctor.

Doctor?

Doctor?

Doctor?

Doctor! Doctor! Doctor!

Doctor? Doc?

Doc? Doctor...

Huh.

I've never seen
anything like this before.

Your whole throat seems to
have puckered up like an apricot.

Oh, it's nothing
serious, Sergeant.

It's probably just
something you ate or drank.

As a matter of fact, the
strain is entirely gone,

oddly enough, and
your voice is back.

I see no reason why
you can't go back to work.

(high-pitched): Back to work?!

With this voice?

The men would
laugh their heads off!

Yes, I see what you mean.

Well, then, just
continue to take it easy.

In a day or so, it'll
return to normal.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.

Of course, if it doesn't,
you can always join

the Vienna Boys' Choir.

(chuckles)

Well, he's in sick bay.
That's all I can tell you.

Maybe he's getting
his throat sprayed.

Well, is it all right if
I wait here for him?

I want to find out
what the doctor said.

Hey, Sergeant. We was
just talking about you.

But I wanted to find
out what the doctor said.

Pyle, I think you'd better go.

Well, all right.

But first, can you tell
me if you can talk?

You mean you can't?

Well, I thought
sure you'd be able to

after you had some
of Grandma's remedy.

BOYLE: What?

What are you talking about,
Pyle? What does that mean...

"after he took some
of Grandma's remedy"?

Well, it didn't work, so...

there ain't no point
in talking about it.

Well, come on,
Pyle! Let's hear it!

Corporal Boyle said that
you wouldn't take it willingly,

so I took the liberty of
slipping a little in your coffee

this morning. Did
you notice that your

coffee tasted a little funny?

Pyle... Well, it wasn't
nothing harmful.

It was just some vinegar,
alumin and molasses.

(high-pitched): You put
that stuff in my coffee?!

Praise be! It's back!

He got his voice
back! It's back!

You lamebrain! You numbskull!

Out! Out! Out! Out!
Out! Out! Out! Out! Out!

I'll get you for this!

You see, Gomer, I told you
his voice would come back.

But his voice sure is high,
Grandma. Why is it so high?

How high is it?

Well, it's not even
like a talking voice.

It's more like a singing voice.

You remember little
Rosemary Pickett

back home when
she'd hurt herself?

Well, it's kinda like that.

It's like Wendell Keefer.

He had a beautiful voice
after one good dose.

In fact, some folks thought
he sounded like a boy soprano.

That's what they said...

He sounded like a
56-year-old boy soprano.

Well, the sergeant's
sure is high.

Well, that's right.

That's the way
it's supposed to be.

Later on, it'll come down.

Well, high or low, it sure is
good to hear his voice again.

And it's all because of you.

Oh, it's nothing,
Gomer. Nothing.

Have you finished
with your tea, Gomer?

Yes, ma'am. It sure
was good. Thank you.

I guess I'd better be
getting back to the base now.

Oh, Gomer, wait a minute!

What's the matter?

Your tea leaves. The
way they're arranged.

Stay here, Gomer. You
can't leave this room.

What's wrong?

There's danger lurking.

There's danger for anyone
who's Taurus the Bull.

And you're a Taurus,
ain't ya? April the 26?

No, ma'am. Not me, Grandma.
My birthday's February 26.

Pisces.

Thank goodness!

Because these leaves tell

there's terrible danger today

for anyone who
is Taurus the Bull.

You know anyone
who's Taurus the Bull?

Anyone born in May?

Well, there's my sergeant.

Sergeant Carter.
He was born May 4.

May 4. Gomer, are you sure?

Yes, ma'am. Why?

Sergeant Carter is the Bull.

Really? He's Taurus the Bull?

He's as Taurus as you can get.

Golly.

Gomer, you'd better warn him.

Tell him to stay
right where he is,

because if he don't...

Sarge, we gotta find
someplace for you to relax.

Now you need...
Hey! I got a great idea.

Why don't you go to that
crap game in town, huh?

Did you hear about that, Vince?

Sergeant Crabtree
won over 400 bucks.

You want me to
bet with this voice?

You want me to say,
"Shoot, I got you faded...

Come on, Little Joe from
Kokomo..." with this voice?!

They'll laugh me outta there!

You don't have to talk, Vince.

All you have to do is shake the
dice and throw your money out.

Vince, you need something
to take your mind off things.

Hey, maybe you'll win a pot full
besides. Wouldn't that be something?

Without saying a word, you
come home the big winner.

What do you say?
Come on, it'll do you good.

Win or lose, it'll do you good.

Attaboy, Sarge! Go
get dressed and go.

Anybody ask any questions,

tell them you got
laryngitis and can't talk.

Yeah! Yeah!

Good, Sarge, good!

Corporal Boyle?

Is Sergeant Carter here?
I gotta see him right away.

Well, he'd better not see
you, Pyle. He'll break you

right in half after what
you did to him this morning.

But where is he? Is he here?

Pyle, you wanna stay
alive? Keep away from him.

But where is he?
What's he doing?

He's getting cleaned up, okay?

What for? Why's he
getting cleaned up?

Because he's going into town,
Pyle. If that's all right with you.

Oh, no! He is?
But he can't do that.

Pyle, you better
get out of here.

If he sees you, he's
gonna blow a fuse.

Oh, my.

♪ ♪

(sighs)

Tough break, Sarge.

But don't worry about the crap
game... it'll be waiting for you.

They've been
playing for three days.

Boyle!

Yeah? What is it, Sarge?

My pants! Did you take my pants?

No! Why would I take your pants?

Well, what am I
going to do now?!

Why don't you just
wear a uniform?

My uniform? To
go to a crap game?!

Oh, yeah.

I'll tell you what, Sarge.
Borrow a pair of mine.

A pair of yours?!

All set, huh, Sarge?
That wasn't so bad, was it?

Just go into town

and don't worry about a thing.

Who's gonna see your
pants under a crap table?

Yeah! Swell!

I guess you're wondering what
I'm doing with this carburetor

in my hands, Sergeant,
but I can explain everything.

You do that, Pyle.

You explain and then
I'm going to kill you!

I've done it for you.

You see, you're Taurus the Bull,

and my Grandma
says you got to stay put

or something terrible's
gonna happen to you. What?!

So I couldn't let
you go into town.

You?!

Uh-huh.

I flattened your tire.

I took your pants.

Anything to keep you
from going into town,

on account of you're
a Taurus and if you did,

something terrible
was gonna happen.

You see, it's a bad
traveling day for your sign.

Are you finished, Pyle?! Fine!

Because now, it's my
turn and I'm gonna...

BOYLE: Sergeant Carter?

Vince! Hey, Vince.

Hey, you didn't leave yet.

It's a good thing.

Boy, are you lucky. Why?

I just got a call
from Corporal Wood.

That crap game in
town? It was raided.

CARTER: What? Yeah,
about a dozen cops

came in and hauled
everybody off to jail.

Booked 'em all on gambling.

Boy, if you'd have gone
in when you started out,

you'd have been picked up, too.

It's a good thing
all those things

happened to hold you up.

But you were the one who...

Yep, it was me, all right.

But how did you know?

'Cause you're Taurus
the Bull, like I told you.

Holy smoke!

That's amazing! That's
absolutely amazing!

(normal voice): How about that?

He knows I'm headed
for trouble and...

Hey, Sarge!

Your voice! It's back!

It's back! CARTER: Yeah.

How about that?

That Grandma
Pyle, she's a marvel.

An absolute marvel.

(chuckling)

Well, it sure is a pleasure
meeting you, Grandma Pyle.

Thank you. I don't
mind telling you,

you practically saved my life.

I'm happy it worked
out the way it did.

I know Gomer
thinks a lot of you.

He was sure
anxious to protect you.

Sergeant Carter told
me he used to never

believe in things
like fortune telling

and good luck charms, but you
sure changed your mind now,

haven't you, Sergeant?

Well, what can I say?
Look what it did for me.

Well, I'm gonna be
leaving this afternoon,

so I just wanted you
boys to have these.

What's that?

Hawk's toes.

You wear these around your neck

and you don't ever have to worry

about having
neuralgia, arthritis,

pleurisy, influenza,
or the grippe.

Hawk's toes?

Here's one for you, Gomer.

Well, thank you, Grandma.

And here's one for you.

(chuckles)

Thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's wrong?

(groaning): I think I
threw my back out.

What about the
hawk's toes, Grandma?

Well, that's the only
thing it doesn't cover,

a thrown-out back.

Now, let's see what
else I have here...