Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 16 - Gomer Pyle, Civilian - full transcript

Sergeant Carter orders Pyle to take a week long furlough but instead of going back home to Mayberry, Pyle takes a civilian job on base so he can remain close to the Sergeant.

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.


And then, to top everything off,

the klutz drops his rifle
right on the Captain's foot.

Right on his foot!

No kidding. What
did you day to him?

I didn't have to say anything.

The Captain said it all for me.

(all laugh)

Sometimes you wonder
where they come from, huh?

Where do they come from?

Oh, yeah, we sure
get them, don't we?

Yeah, like that
prize I got, Pyle.

PFC Gomer Pyle.

When it comes to hopeless
cases, he's the king.

And you've had him
since boot camp, right?

I've had him up to
here since boot camp.

Well, sure.

That's why Vince is
getting prematurely gray.

You want to hear some
knucklehead Pyle stories?

You got a few days?

Hey, Vince.

Speak of the devil. Hmm?

You see?

Wait, I'm about to
add to that collection.

Pyle, you knucklehead!

What's the matter with you?

Don't you know the NCO Club's

off limits to Privates?!

What're you doing here anyway?

Yes, sir, and I
hate to disturb you,

but I got an important question

to ask you, Sergeant. Pyle...

for your sake, it'd
better be important.

In fact, it'd better be
close to an emergency!

Well, I don't know whether
it's an emergency or not,

but here it is anyhow.

Would it be all right if...

Get over here. Now, what is it?

Well, would it be all
right just for tonight,

if me and Private
Slater switched bunks?


You see, Private Slater's
got this special guard duty,

two hours on and two hours off.

Well, you see, he's
got this upper bunk

and I've got the lower bunk.

Well, it'd be a whole lot
more convenient for him

during his two hours off,

if he just slipped
into the lower bunk

instead of climbing
into the upper bunk.

You came over
here to ask me that?

That was the important question?

Well, in case you come
looking for me later on,

and looked in the lower
bunk and I wasn't there,

not knowing that I was sleeping

in the upper bunk,
which is Duke's,

and my bunk is the lower
bunk, but just for tonight...

Pyle, will you get out of here!

Just get out of here.

Sleep up, sleep down.

I don't care if you sleep
on top of a flagpole.

Just get out of here

and don't ask any
more stupid questions!

But... Out! Out! Out!

Out! Out! Out!


You won't believe this one,

you just won't believe it.

What, Vince?

You know what that knucklehead
came over here to ask me?

Not bad, Slater.


Pyle, what is it?

What's that smell?

Oh, this?

It's a sachet.

A balsam sachet.

Made out of real balsam pine.

A sachet? Uh-huh.

It's real good for
clearing up head miseries

whenever you get a cold.

All you do is take
a deep sniff and...

Knock it off!


A sachet is not regulation.

A sachet has never
been regulation.

Therefore, you do not now

nor will you ever
have a good reason

to have a balsam
sachet in your footlocker.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

What's this doing there?


Well, that's a good luck troll.


A good luck troll?

Yes, sir, that's
supposed to keep you

from getting that cold

that the balsam sachet
is supposed to clear up.

Pyle, what are you, a
Marine or a medicine man?

This isn't a footlocker,

it's a traveling
salesman sample case.

Now, you get
rid of all this junk,

you hear me? I want it all out.

Everything I see and smell

and everything I
can't see and smell.

I want everything
that is not regulation...

Wait a minute.

Where's your rifle?

My rifle?

Yeah, your rifle.

That long metal thing
with the wooden handle?

The thing you eat,
sleep and breathe with?

The thing you're not supposed

to let out of your sight

for one second, your rifle.

Oh, I know that, Sergeant.

Well, where is it? Where is it?

Well, I loaned it
to Private O'Neal

over there in Company A.

You loaned it?!

You loaned your rifle?!

Pyle, do you realize

you could be thrown
out of the Corps for this?!

Well, it was just for an hour

until he got his
back from Ordnance.

You see, he got this
special honor-guard duty...

I don't care if he's got
a pipeline to heaven!

Pyle, that is your rifle

and you'd better get it back

right now this minute

or I'll have you
court-martialed for sure.

Now move it!

Yes, sir, I'll be real firm,

Don't you worry.

A good luck troll...

You know, they ain't
such good luck after all.

You know how many
colds I've had this year?

Get out of here!

Sachet bags, good
luck trolls, no rifle.

He's really getting
to you, isn't he?

Getting to me?

I got news for you,
he's already there.

Hey, you know something?

You could use a furlough,

a little vacation,
that's what I think.

Yeah, sure, sure.

I mean it, Vince.

Pyle is no different last week

than he was last year.

The reason he's getting to
you is you're overwrought.

What's that?

Overwrought? Overtired,
overworked; overwrought.

And you know who it is
that's wroughting me over.

That's what I say; time
to get away for a while.

Nah... I don't think
I could swing it.

I got too much to do.

Well, it was just an idea.

Wait a minute.

Yeah, of course.

If you can't take Mohammed
away from the mountain,

the only thing left to do

is to take the mountain
away from Mohammed.

I don't think you
got that right.

Who cares?

Whatever it is, I
got a brainstorm!

What are you
talking about, Vince?

Don't you get it?

Maybe I can't go on a vacation,

but Pyle can if I
give him a furlough.

A furlough?

Two seconds ago
you wanted to kill him.

Now you want to do him a favor.

Not him, me, me!

I'm gonna do me a favor

by getting rid of
Pyle any way I can.

Oh... Yeah, it'll be
just like a vacation

being away from him, huh?

Smart, smart, smart.

Here, get to work on his papers.

Come on. On the double.

Okay, Vince.

Yeah, I don't know about Pyle,

but this is one vacation

I'm really looking forward to.

Well, type, type, type!


Hey, Sergeant.

Hello, Pyle.

You know, Pyle, I've
been watching you.

And I don't blame
you one bit, Sergeant,

especially after the way I
provoked you this morning

in the inspection by
not having my rifle.

Don't you worry.
I got it back now.

I could throw the
book at you, you know

that, don't you?

But you know something, Pyle?

Looking at you right now,

I don't see the knucklehead
I thought I'd see.

You don't?


I see a tired Marine.


That's right.

Well, now that you mention it,

I was stirring around a little
more than usual last night.

But that happens every
time we have MC rations,

especially if it's
ham and lima beans.

They just don't seem... No, no,
that's not what I'm talking about.

I mean, you've been
pushing too hard lately.

The pressure's
catching up to you.

You're jumpy,
edgy. All tensed up.

I am?

That's right, Pyle.

You're as tense as they come.

And a tense Marine
is a bad Marine.

Know what I mean?

Yeah, I know, Sergeant,

but it's funny, I
don't feel a bit tense.

As a matter of fact,
I feel real relaxed.

Policing up always relaxes me.

Pyle, you're tense, you hear me?

You're tense. You
just don't know it.

Well, if you say so, Sergeant.

Okay, so in the interest

of keeping the
platoon razor sharp

in all departments,

I hereby authorize you
a one-week furlough

effective immediately.


A furlough?

But-but Sergeant,

I know you're just
looking after my well-being,

but I don't need no furlough.

Well, look, Pyle,

you want to be a
good Marine, don't you?

Yes, sir, you know I do.

Then just take the furlough
and don't ask questions!

But wait a minute, Sergeant.

I don't want to
go on no furlough.

Well, that's just tough!

You need it, so you're
gonna take it, you hear me?!

If you're so stupid, you don't
know you're going to pieces,

well, that's your problem!

But you're going on leave

and that's that! You read me?!

Well, yes, sir, but I'm
still not too sure why.

Because you are
tense, you hear me?!

tense, tense, tense!


(door slams)

Boy, of all the lucky breaks.

Gomer, I still can't figure out

how you swung it.

I didn't swing nothing.

Then how'd you get the furlough?

Sergeant Carter said
it's 'cause I was tense.

The only thing is,
I don't feel tense.

Do you think I look tense?

You're about as tense
as a ball of spaghetti.

That's what I tried to
tell Sergeant Carter,

but he just wouldn't listen.

You know, Gomer, for a
guy with one foot in heaven,

you sure don't look too happy.

I just don't relish
leaving here.

No, sir, not one bit.

What's the matter?

Don't you have enough dough
to get back home, is that it?

Well, that's just part of it.

Fact is, I just
don't want to go.

Why, for Pete's sake?

Well, back home just
ain't home no more.

This is my home now,
right here on the base.

Sure, I got friends back
home, but this is the place

I've been living and working,
and well, this is my home now.

Gomer, it's only for a week.

I'm gonna miss you
fellas, I really am.

You know, Frankie,
I think Gomer's

a lot tenser than he looks.

Gomer, I think you
could use a furlough.

And you know who I'm
gonna miss most of all?

I'm gonna miss Sergeant Carter.

I'd take that back.

I think you could use a doctor.

Come on, Gomer, let's go.

Just a minute, Private.

Okay, fellas.

Who's that?
Certainly not Marines.

No, they're civilian
work personnel.

They work on the base.

I knew we had civilians
working on the base.

I just never seen them
in a group like that.

Here you are. Have fun.

Huh? Have fun.

You're going on
furlough, aren't you?


Hey, can anybody get
a job here on the base?

Even a Marine?

Sure, I guess so, if
you've got the time.


Hey. How's this, huh?



What's funny?

Nothing's funny. I'm just happy.

Oh, Pyle. Yeah, Pyle.

One whole week
he's gonna be gone.

I just can't believe it.

It's already showing
on you, Vince.

You're so relaxed, I
hardly recognize you.

Yeah, really got something

to celebrate tonight.

Hey, two beers over here.

Put your dough away.

This is my party.

Hey, you really
are a changed man.




Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Pyle, what are you doing here?

Tending bar.

And when I seen it
was you, Sergeant,

I made sure to fill up the
glasses real careful like

so you wouldn't be
paying for a lot foam.

You know, some bartenders
ain't even conscientious.

They just open up that tap...

Hold it, hold it, hold it!

Yes, sir?

Pyle, what are you doing here?!

Yeah, we thought
you were on leave.

I am, I am.

I already used up
one entire day, too.

But you're here on
the base! Why, why?!

Well, just like you see.

I got me a civilian job
as a substitute bartender.

You what? Now I
can be on furlough

and still be near you
and my other friends.

Can you believe it?
Can you believe it?

Yes, sir, I never thought
a man could be so lucky.

Well, gentlemen, skoal!

They say that a lot here.


Pyle, you stupid,
look what you've done!

Don't you worry, though.

I'll have you cleaned
up in just a jiffy.

They say that beer
don't stain nothing

like hard liquor, though.

What are you, gum on
my shoe or something?

Get away from me, Pyle!

I don't need your help.

Yes, sir, I don't
blame you a bit neither.

It was just plain foolish of me

to put that beer where
your elbow was sure to hit it.

I sure am sorry, Sergeant.

Do you like my luck, huh?

I get him a few days furlough,

a few precious days
without him bugging me,

and what happens?

He shows up as a civilian!

There's no escape.

There's just no escape!
Come on. Let's go.

Let's get out of here

before he flips me
in an early grave!

Excuse me, Corporal?

Oh, Pyle.

You're taking a big chance
showing your face around here

after last night.

Well, I won't be but a second.

I just wanted to give
you this to pass on

to the sergeant.

Request for transfer?

I figure he can arrange
it while I finish out

the rest of my furlough.

You sure you want
to do this, Pyle?

I am, on account
of Sergeant Carter's

the last person in the world
that I'd want to make unhappy.

And since that's
what I did last night

was to make him unhappy,

then I know it's time
for me to clear out.


maybe you ought
to take a little time,

you know, think
this thing through.

No, I know the sergeant.

He likes everything just right.

And if everything's
just right for him

without me around, then
that's the way I want it.

Well... okay.

If you got your heart
set on it, I'll put it through.

I'd be much obliged.

Excuse me, sergeant.

What are you doing here?

Don't you know an Orderly
Room's off-limits to civilians?

Yes, sir, I'm sorry.

I just left something
for you with the corporal.

Okay, you left it.
Now get out of here!

Here. Here's what he left.


A transfer? Yeah.


Beautiful! This is great.

No, it's better than great.

This is sensational!

You mean you're
gonna approve it?

You bet I am.

Like I never approved
nothing before.

Come on! Let's put
this thing in the works.

Quick, quick, quick, before
somebody pinches me

and wakes me up.
Come on, let's go!


All right, let's look alive!

This is supposed
to be an inspection,

not a Boy Scout
jamboree. Move it!

Inspection! Hut!

(chambers clicking)

Look at this weapon.

It's, uh...

It's okay.

Whose footlocker is
that? It ain't even out.

Well, whose is it?

That's Pyle's
footlocker, Sergeant.


Platoon, halt!

Well, how'd they do?

Not bad. Not bad.

A minute behind the base record.

Not bad. Not great.

You might say pretty good.


Well, if Pyle had been here,

they never would've
even done that good.

Talking about guys freezing,

remember that stunt Iron
Pants Milliken pulled back in '53?

The forced march in
nothing but our skivvies?

How can I forget?

You remember that, Vince? What?

The forced skivvy
march back in '53.

Yeah, I remember it.

Only it was 1955.

No, you're wrong,
Vince, it was '53.

Definitely. Yeah, Vince, '53.

Don't tell me. You
calling me a liar?!

I remember it! It was 1955!

Come on, Vince.
MORAN: What's with you?

Yeah. What are
you yelling at us for?

I'm not yelling! Am I yelling?!

Look, if something's
bugging you,

don't take it out on us.

That's what those
boneheads privates are for.

Are you telling me how
to run my business?!

Well, somebody ought to.

Maybe we ought to find
a more peaceful table.

It's getting a little
too hardnosed for me.

Fine! That's just fine with me.

Well, okay. Let's go.

Well, go on!

Join your buddies.
I don't need you.

I need you like I need that
knucklehead over there!

What's the matter
with you, Vince?

Are you deaf? I
said I didn't need you!

Look, Vince.

Pyle's been gone
almost a week already,

but it's just don't seem
to make any difference.

What are you getting
at? Well, look at you.

You're as jumpy as a cat.

Okay, so I'm jumpy, so what?

Well, it's just don't
make any sense.

Figure it out for yourself.

Now Pyle's coming
back from a furlough,

and he's transferring
to another outfit.

He'll be out of your
hair for good. So?

So, if anything should make
you happy, that should, right?

Well, I'll tell you
what bugs me.

Pyle came to me
a raw-nosed recruit.

I worked on him all
through boot camp and after.

I yelled myself hoarse
getting him squared away,

and now he's transferring out.

Huh? That's gratitude.

Well, I don't know.

I never saw a guy who hated

to leave an outfit
as much as he did.

Usually when a guy transfers,

it's because he
hates his sergeant.

GOMER: Excuse me, would
you like something else?

Couple of beers, maybe?

I mean, they'd be on me.

Kind of a farewell present

since I'll be clearing
out tomorrow.

No, we're fine, Pyle,
but thanks anyway.

Don't mention it.
Don't mention it at all.

Bye, Sergeant.

See what I mean?

Nothing keeps him down.

He's loyal to you to the end.

Loyal, huh?

He's transferring out, ain't he?

That's gratitude.

Vince, he's transferring out

because you don't
want him around.

He'd rather get out of your
hair than make you miserable.

You do want him out, don't you?

All I can say is
that's gratitude.

About the transfer orders

the colonel signed yesterday,
for a Private Gomer Pyle.

Oh, yes. What about them?

Well, sir, I know
it sounds crazy,

but I... I approved them
against my better judgment, sir.

You what? Yes, sir.

For the first time in my life,

I put a man's personal wishes

above the good
of the entire outfit,

and, well, it just
ain't working out, sir.

That's very
interesting, Sergeant.

But don't you
think it's a little late

to be telling me all this?

Well, I thought you could
still countermand the order, sir,

considering it's a
question of platoon morale.

This man Pyle is
that important to you?

No, sir. He's not important.

Then what?

Well, sir, it's kind
of hard to explain.

You see, he's kind of like a...
a spark to the platoon morale.

Yes, sir, that's it.
He's like a spark!

You mean he more
or less stands out?

Oh, yes, sir.

There ain't a day goes by

I don't single him out
for one thing or another.

Well, it's a bit irregular,
but I'll see what I can do.

Thank you, sir.

It'll be good having him back.

I mean as the spark.

If those are my transfer
papers, Sergeant, you didn't have

to bother yourself
bringing them over here.

I was going to
come and get them.

No trouble at all, Pyle.

Not that I don't appreciate

you bringing them.

I'm real glad you did.

Gives me a chance to say
good-bye for the last time.

I got news for you, Pyle.

You're not saying
good-bye to nothing

except these transfer papers.


That's right, Pyle.

Just like this. See?

Into nice little pieces.

You mean I ain't
being transferred out?

That's right, Pyle. Affirmative.

You should know
by now that nobody,

but nobody, transfers out of
my outfit unless I tell them to!

You got that?

I sure have, and I'm real glad

to hear you say that, Sergeant.

You know something?

I never did want
to transfer out.

Knock it off, and get
that gear stowed away!

I sure will.

Since I ain't
gonna be leaving...

Pyle! Of all the
knuckleheaded, pea-brained...

I really am sorry, Sergeant.

Pyle, do you know what you did?

I'll tell you what you did!

You struck a
noncommissioned officer!

That's what you did!

And that's the last
straw! You hear me, Pyle?

The last straw!

Of all the knuckleheaded,
birdbrained, peaheaded...

Do you see those stripes on
my arm, Pyle?! Do you see them?!

Look at them real good because
you're going to see them from now on!

Now, you listen to me,
and you listen to me good!

Since you came
back from furlough,

you've not done one
thing right! Not one thing!

But that's all going to change!

Now, do you hear me?!

Yes, sir, Sergeant. I
hear you real good.

You don't slur a bit, like
a lot of platoon leaders.

Every word's loud and crisp.

Sergeant, thank you.

Thank you? For what?

Thank you for the kind of time
and trouble you take with me.

Nobody except a real
good friend would do that.

Friend? Friend?! Pyle,
I am not your friend!

I have never been your friend!

I am your enemy,
Pyle! Your enemy!

We are at war, you and me!

And I'm going to make sure
you never forget it! You hear me?

Yes, sir, Sergeant. I know
just what's on your mind.

Being a Sergeant,

you got to keep a respectable
distance between you

and just a plain old PFC,

all feelings of kinship aside.

And don't think I don't respect
you for it either, Sergeant.

Oh, shut up, Pyle!
And get out of here!

Move it! On the double!

You got exactly one minute

to get get back to that
barracks and GI that deck!

Now, you get out
of here! And move it!

Yes, sir! And, Sergeant,
don't you even bother counting,

'cause I'm going to be there!

Well, come on! Move it!

Cut out the gab!

Well, come on, let's go!

Move, move, move,
move, move, move!

Hiya, fellas.

How about a couple of beers?

Well, sure. Sounds good to me.

How's everything going, Vince?

Oh, fine, fine.

Things couldn't be better.

Except that guy Pyle.

I don't know what I'm
going to do with him.

You want to hear
what he did today?

You won't believe it.

(all laughing)