Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 15 - Gomer Pyle, P.O.W. - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

All right, now before we load up

let's make sure we
got our signals right.

This division has been divided

into two groups for these war
games, our side and the enemy.

The enemy will be
wearing striped helmets

and armbands like this.

The games will be conducted
under very strict rules,

enforced by referees.



These referees will be located
throughout the battle area.

When we make
contact with the enemy,

the referees will determine
the outcome of that contact.

They will tag the killed
troops with a "killed" tag,

and the wounded troops

with a "wounded" tag.

All decisions of the
referees will be final.

Now, any man who
argues with the referee

will automatically
be tagged "killed."

Is that clear, Pyle?

Yes, sir, Sergeant, and
that's a real good idea, too.

On account of dead
men tell no tales.

Okay, now let's review the
procedure on being captured.

Now, if you are captured,
the only information



you will give the enemy

will be your name,
rank and serial number.

And remember also,
if you are captured

it will be your duty
to try and escape.

Is that clear?

ALL: Aye, aye, Sergeant.

All right, any questions?

Sorry I asked.

What is it, Pyle?

If somebody should get captured,

what'll the enemies do to him?

They'll try to get
information out of him.

How, Sergeant?

Pyle, these are maneuvers.

We're all Marines
on an exercise.

Nobody's going
to torture anybody,

if that's what you think.

Oh, well, that's good.

On account of I
seen this war movie,

Massacre at Midnight,

and in it the enemies
took this captured fella

and what they done
was, they tickled his feet

and then they dropped
water on his head

and blew smoke in his face.

Pyle... Well, he give
them a whole lot more

than his name, rank
and serial number.

Fact is, he couldn't
stop talking.

They finally had to
kill him to shut him up.

Okay, Pyle.

Of course that can't
happen here, huh?

No, Pyle, but don't
give me any ideas.

Now they will not torture
you or hurt you in any way.

But they have other ways.

They will try to trick the
information out of you

and they're good at it.

So remember, just name,
rank and serial number.

Is that clear?

ALL: Aye, aye, Sergeant.

All right, ten hut!

Dismissed.

(with deep voice): Pyle,
Gomer, private first...

Pyle, Gomer,
private first class.

Serial number 13029300.

Pyle, what are you doing?

That's my false voice.

I was practicing so
in case I get captured,

the enemies won't know who I am.

(with deep voice): Pyle,
Gomer, private first class, 130...

There's our objective, Sergeant.

The railroad crossing?

Right.

(whistles)

Anything wrong?

Well, no, sir, but that's
pretty deep in enemy territory.

Seems like it'd be easier to
hit their ammunition dump.

That's where they'd
expect us to hit.

If we surprise them
and attack the crossing

we'll cut off their supply line.

How many troops do
they have at the crossing?

We don't know, we're not sure.

I want you to take your
second squad and find out.

Yes, sir. And
one thing, Carter...

whatever you do, don't
let the enemy see you.

If they suspect we're
after the crossing,

it'll ruin the mission.

You can count on me, sir.

I'll take a patrol
out right away.

I'm depending on your
second squad, Carter.

Right, sir.

If this mission fouls up,

I'm holding you
personally responsible.

Yes, sir.

Second squad?

But Pyle's in the second squad.

GOMER: Stick 'em up
now. You're captured,

so get your hands up.

Hey, Sergeant.

Pyle!

I thought you was the enemy.

(distant gunfire) Get down,
you knucklehead, down!

I guess I was a
little too anxious.

No, you were a lot too anxious.

Sarge, there's an enemy
patrol at the crossing.

They've spotted us.

Oh, no.

We got to get out of here.

And guess whose fault it is?

Let's go, move.

Congratulations,
Carter. You really blew it.

You see, sir, one of my men got a
little over-anxious and what happened...

You put one of
your men in charge?

Well, no, sir, I was in
charge. Then you blew it.

Yes, sir, I blew it.
You can bet there'll

be more than a patrol waiting
at that crossing tomorrow.

Maybe there won't, Sergeant.

I'm giving you a chance
to redeem yourself.

Thank you, sir.

At ease, Carter.

If the enemy thought for sure

we were going after
the ammo dump,

they couldn't spare the
men to guard the crossing.

Yes, sir. But how do
we get them to think that?

With a decoy, Carter.

We let them capture
one of our men

and he accidentally lets it slip

we're going after the ammo dump.

I can do even better, sir.

I've got a man who
would accidentally let it slip

because he would believe it.

You have a decoy?

A real wooden duck.

CARTER: Congratulations,
Pyle, you really blew it.

I'm sorry as I can be,

Sergeant, but I thought...

Didn't I order you not
to make any noise?

Yes, Sergeant.

Then you blew it.

Yes, Sergeant, I blew it.

You ruined the plan and you got
me chewed out by the lieutenant.

I feel terrible,
Sergeant, just terrible.

That's good. At ease.

I'd give you another assignment
and let you redeem yourself,

but you'd goof that one up, too.

Oh, Sergeant,
please let me do it.

No, Pyle, I could
never depend on you.

Oh, Sergeant, you just got to.

I done a wrong, so
you got to try to let me

make it right. Please, Sergeant.

Well... okay, just this once.

Oh, thank you, Sergeant.

You don't know what
this means to me.

What'll I have to do? You
just name it and I'll do it.

This will give me a chance...

Will you knock it off and
listen? Yes, Sergeant.

Okay. Now we changed the plan.

The enemy thinks we're
going to hit the railroad crossing.

So we're going to fool 'em.

We're going to hit
the ammunition dump.

So we need one man to scout it.

I'll do it, and don't you worry,
Sergeant, I'm a real good sneaker.

When do I leave? Right now.

Okay, and when I come back
I'll give you my hooty-hoot.

Good.

Hooty-hoot?

You know...

(high-pitched voice):
Hooty-hoot, hooty-hoot.

Like an owl.

That way you won't think it's an
enemy trying to sneak up on you.

Oh, yeah, good thinking.

Now go.

Sergeant, which way is
the ammunition dump?

That way. You were going right.

Just keep walking,
you can't miss it.

Right, Sergeant.

Don't forget...
Hooty-hoot, hooty-hoot.

I won't forget.

Hey, Sarge, where's Gomer going?

To scout the ammunition dump.

The ammo dump's over there.

He's headed straight
for the enemy camp.

How about that?

Our decoy should have
been captured an hour ago.

So next step, we
hit the rail crossing.

Now, first squad,
you take the point.

Second squad, I want you to...

Wait a minute.

Get down, you guys.

GOMER: Hooty-hoot, hooty-hoot.

Oh, impossible.

Hey, Sergeant.

Pyle, I thought
you were captured.

I mean, I was afraid
you were captured.

I nearly was.

That sure did test
my sneaking abilities.

But I've got
important information.

Oh?

Sure have.

For one thing, that
ammunition dump

ain't at all where
we thought it was.

It isn't?

No. It's a good
thing I found out, too.

Else we'd have gone busting right
into the middle of the enemy camp.

Did I do good, Sergeant?

Did I right my wrong?

Well... almost.

Almost?

You found out where
the ammunition dump isn't,

but you didn't
find out where it is.

How can we attack something
if we don't know where it is?

I never thought of that.

Of course, if someone
was to volunteer

to sneak over to the
enemy camp and listen,

well, he might
overhear something.

I'll do it, Sergeant.

I don't know, Pyle... you'd have to
get awfully close to the enemy camp.

I'd be glad to. To tell you
the truth, I kind of enjoy it.

Well, if you really want to.

I really do. Okay, then go.

How'd the call work out? Huh?

You know...
hooty-hoot, hooty-hoot?

Oh, fine, fine.

I'll do it again
when I come back.

You do that.

Thanks, Sergeant.

Hooty-hoot, hooty-hoot.

Slater.

Yes, Sarge?

Follow Pyle. What?

You heard me. And don't come
back until you see he's captured.

But Sarge...

This time I want to make
sure he's caught, so go.

When you get close enough
to the enemy make some noise

so they can spot him.

But Sarge... Go, go, go.

(distant gunfire)

(gunfire continues)

(gunfire continues)

(whistles)

(gunfire continues)

Well?

(panting): He's captured.

Are you sure?

Positive. I saw two
enemy troops grab him.

Good.

Now, let's see, uh...

At the most it should take
30 minutes to break him down.

So that will move our mission
back about one half hour.

Sarge, can I sack out?

I just double-timed three miles.

Yeah, nice work, Slater.

Thanks, Sarge.

LOMBARDI: Hey, Sarge.

Sarge.

Hey, Sarge. Hey, Sarge.

Look what we got.

Caught 'em a couple
miles down the road.

Good work, Lombardi. Real good.

An enemy truck, too.

Get on out of there.

Come on, move, move, move.

Get a referee and have
them tagged "captured."

Right, Sarge.

(chuckles)

GOMER (voice echoing):
Hooty-hoot, hooty-hoot.

No, it can't be.

Hooty-hoot, hooty-hoot.

I thought that was your voice.

Well, I'm back.

Pyle, what are you
doing in that can?

Well, a couple fellas
had me for a minute,

but I outsmarted 'em. Huh?

Well, it wasn't really
me, it was John Wayne.

John Wayne?

That's right, see, I
seen this movie once

where John Wayne was in
the same kind of spot I was in.

Only it was Indians
instead of the enemy.

Indians.

So I just did what John did.

I says, "Hey, here
comes the Cavalry!"

And sure enough, they both
turned around and looked.

Oh, stupid, stupid.

So that allowed me time
to grab one of their guns

and then I tied 'em up.

Just like John Wayne, huh?

Get out of that GI can.

How did you get in there anyway?

Well, right after that,
I found this map...

Map?

What map?

One of the troops
had this map on him,

and it had the ammunition
dump marked right on it.

And I figured it was important

so I come back here
just as fast as I could.

I seen this truck, so
I jumped on the back

and I hid in the can.

And I guess it was captured,

'cause the next thing I
heard was your voice.

So here I am.

Yeah, here you are.

But I sure hated to
leave those troops

tied up in the woods,

but there was lots
of others around,

so I'm sure they'll be found.

Pyle, I'm proud of you.

I really am.

Aww...

Of course you reported
the capture right away.

Well, no, I come back
here just as fast as I could.

Oh, nuts!

Something wrong, Sergeant?

Well, if you didn't
take them to a referee,

we don't get credit for them.

What a shame. Oh, darn.

There's just one
thing I got to do then.

I'll go back there
and get them enemies

and bring 'em back here.

Oh, I can't let
you go back there.

It's too risky.

If you were tagged "captured..."

No, I can't have that
on my conscience.

But Sergeant, you just got
to give me one more chance.

Well, if it's something
you have to do...

It truly is.

Well, then, good luck.

Slater!

Aww, Sarge.

Follow Pyle.

And this time, make
sure he stays captured.

Ten-hut!

Good morning, Private.

At ease.

Well, tell me,
how did you sleep?

Well... Pyle, Gomer.
Private first class.

13029300.

All right, all right.

You don't have to tell
me if you don't want to.

But what's it going to hurt
if you tell me how you slept?

Actually, I don't see
how it'd hurt at all.

Good. Tell me, how'd you sleep?

Mostly on my back, sir.

Yes.

Well, now you see?

No one could object
to an answer like that.

Not even your Sergeant.
What was his name?

Pyle, Gomer.

Private first class. Whoa, whoa.

Your sergeant's name is Pyle?

No, sir.

My sergeant's name is Carter.

My name is... What's wrong?

You tricked me.

You got me to tell
my sergeant's name.

But that won't happen again.

Well, forget it.

Pyle, when did you
have your last meal?

Pyle, Gomer.

Private first class...
Hold it, hold it.

Surely you can tell
me when you ate last.

That isn't military information.

Well, all right.

Now that I think about it,

it was about 5:00 yesterday.

Oh, then you should
be a little hungry.

Well, I do feel a mite hollow.

Good.

Guard!

Well...

Hungry?

Yes, sir.

How long did you say it's
been since you've eaten?

Yesterday about 5:00.

Oh, you must be starved.

Well, I am sort of
starting to get the growls.

Ah, that's too bad.

Of course, we can't
hurt you, you know.

That wouldn't be right.
But, uh, then again,

no one says we have to feed you.

They don't? No.

But we will feed
you, all this is yours.

It is? Sure.

If I get what I want.

Information?

Who's to know?

You got a drumstick?

(slurping)

(sighs)

You've got company, Pyle.

Duke, what are you doing here?

Well, Sergeant
Carter got worried.

So he sent me along to find
out what happened to you.

And I got captured.

Well, I sure am sorry, but...

since you're here, you might
as well make yourself at home.

You want a bottle of
pop or a candy bar?

It's all I got left.

Where did you get all that?

It's kind of a prize
for being all mouth.

They bribed
information out of you?

They sure did.

Oh, Gomer, that's terrible!

You gave them information?

Oh, boy!

Oh, no, no, no.

See, they tried to trick me,

so I decided I'd
trick them right back.

I let them think that they was
bribing me, so they'd believe me.

How did you trick them?
What did you tell them?

I told the 'em where
we was gonna attack.

I told 'em we was attacking
the railroad crossing.

You didn't. Don't worry,
though. They believe me.

'Cause that's where they
thought we was going to attack.

They're gonna lay an ambush.

Won't they be surprised when
Sergeant Carter ain't there?

Won't Sergeant Carter
be surprised when he is.

Oh, no, they're attacking
the ammunition dump.

Didn't they tell you?
Well, didn't they?

Well, Gomer... when
you didn't come back,

well, they decided to attack
the railroad crossing instead.

So, you see, you gave
them the right information!

Oh, Duke.

I feel sick.

Well, look, never mind that.

We gotta get out of here
and warn Sergeant Carter.

We just got to!

(groans)

No, that's no
good. It's guarded.

There's a guard
outside the door, too.

(groaning)

(groaning) Gomer,
will you cut it out?

(groaning louder)

Yeah, yeah, that's
a good idea, Gomer!

Groan louder and
pretend you're sick.

And when the guard
comes in, I'll jump him.

I'm not pretending. I really am.

Well, what's wrong?

I ate too much.
I'm really stuffed.

Just like after one of my Aunt
Neeny's Thanksgiving dinners.

You ate all that?

Oh, no wonder!

Guard!

Guard, call the
medic, please! Guard!

I think you'll be all right now.

Thank you, sir. I feel fine.

I'm ready to get
back to action now.

Well, you may be ready,
but you're still a prisoner.

There's a guard waiting
outside to take you back.

Oh.

You can get dressed now.

And I suggest
that in the future,

you eat your three
meals a day one at a time.

Yes, sir. I will.

♪ ♪

(deep voice): Guard,
the prisoner is ready now.

Sir?

Doctor?

(jeep engine starts)

Hey!

Who's that?

It's a Navy commander.

I know, but what's a Navy
commander doing up here?

How should I know?

What counts is I'm a sergeant
and he's a commander.

We better see what he wants.

Sergeant Menski, sir.

Yes.

MENSKI: Can I help
the Commander?

Well, maybe you can.

I was looking for
the railroad crossing.

It's supposed to be
around here somewheres.

Yes, sir, it is.

About 40 yards down
the road, just over that rise.

Begging your pardon, Commander.

You really shouldn't be here.

We're expecting an
enemy attack any minute.

Are you two fellas planning
on fighting them off alone?

No, sir. We have two
platoons waiting in ambush.

Two whole platoons?

MENSKI: Yes, sir.

But we really shouldn't be
out here in the open like this.

Uh, is there anything else

we can do for the Commander?

As a matter of fact, there is.

You can tell your men to come
out of hiding and gather around.

But sir, the men have
to stay concealed.

You asked me if there was

anything else you
could do for me.

Tell your men to come on out.

But we're expecting the
enemy any second now.

(deep voice): That's
an order, Sergeant!

All right, men! Fall in!

Come on!

Now, can we
make this brief, sir?

The attack... I mean, is
there anything more I can do?

Well, as a matter
of fact there is.

Kindly tell your men
to stack their weapons

in the back of the
jeep and surrender.

Surrender? Surrender?

I hate to be deceitful,

but all's fair in
love and war...

even if it is only war games.

All right, you heard him.

Load the weapons in the jeep.

We're captured.

What's going on
down there, Sarge?

It looks like they're loading
their weapons on that jeep.

But why?

Well, I don't know.

But as long as they
don't have any weapons...

Pass the word. We're gonna
sneak down and surround them.

That's it.

Every last rifle, pistol
and hand grenade.

Thank you, Sergeant.

You've been more than
decent about the whole thing.

You're welcome.

CARTER: Nobody
move! You're captured!

MENSKI: Oh, good.

First the Navy, now the Marines.

If we're lucky, maybe we'll
get strafed by the Air Force.

Hey, Sergeant, it's me, Gomer!

Pyle?!

Hooty-hoot! Hooty-hoot!

No, it can't be.
It just can't be!

Yep, it's me, all right.

And you don't have to bother
with capturing them fellas.

I've already done that.

What are you doing here?
Where'd you get that uniform?

Well, it's all part
of a long story.

You see, there was
this Navy doctor...

Pyle, get out of that jeep!

Well, I can talk to you just
as good from here, Sergeant.

I said get out of that jeep!

But Sergeant... Out!

If you say so.

What?

The Navy doctor
was wearing the rest.

These are the citations
for the war games thus far.

Sergeant Vincent Carter,

for his brilliant
strategy in planning

the railroad crossing attack.

Sergeant Carter?

And for his successful escapes

from the hands of the enemy,

and his ingenious
espionage leading to

the capture of two
enemy platoons,

a special citation to Private
First Class Gomer Pyle.

Pyle?

Begging your pardon,
sir. Private Pyle is absent.

This morning he
was captured again.

Captured? After
all that fine work?

That sounds a
little inconsistent.

Yes, sir. Well, that's
one thing about Pyle.

He's inconsistent.

PYLE: Hooty-hoot! Hooty-hoot!

Hooty-hoot!

Hooty-hoot! Hooty-hoot!

Sergeant, what on Earth is that?

Hey, Sergeant! Wait for me!

That's Private Pyle, sir.

I think the Colonel's in
for a very interesting story.