Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 2, Episode 13 - Gomer Minds His Sergeant's Car - full transcript

Starring... as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring... as
Sergeant Carter.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Phone call, Sarge.

Yeah? Who is it?

Sergeant Persky
over at headquarters.

Okay, tell him
I'll be right there.

Boy, Sarge, you really
keep this car beautifully.

Watch it, Boyle. Hmm?

Watch it.

I don't want you
to smudge it up.

I didn't even touch it.

Well, I know, but
there may be some dust

on your uniform and
that could get on the car,

so just stand back.

I'm sorry.

If I realized I was
going to be in the vicinity

of your car, I would have
had my uniform sterilized.

Never mind the smart remarks.

Just tell Persky to hang on.

I've got a ribbon, if you
want to wrap it as a gift.

Yeah, I found him.

He'll be here in a minute.

Guess what he was doing.

(chuckles) Right!

You'd think he was
married to that car.

Here he is now.

Hey, Sarge, who's
watching the car?

Eh... Sergeant Carter here.

What?! San Francisco?

What for?

You're kidding!

Okay, sure, sure,
I'll bring him back.

Sure, sure. So long.

What's up?

Remember that guy Franklin
that used to be in our outfit?

Franklin... sure.

The guy who was
AWOL for three weeks.

Yeah, well, they found
him in San Francisco.

They want me to take a
plane up there right away

and bring him back to the base.

Hey, this isn't the first
time he's been AWOL.

Are you kidding?

He's been out and
back so many times,

they call him "Yo-yo Franklin."

And I'm gonna get him back
here this time once and for all.

How long you be gone?

Well, I should be back tomorrow.

Is the jeep here?

No, Gordon had
to take it into town.

Well, how am I going
to get to the airport?

Take your car and park it
overnight at the airport lot.

And come back and
find it all scratched up?

The guy next to you opens
his door against your car

and makes all them
little nicks and scratches.

No, sir!

Listen, why don't you
drive me out to the airport

and bring my car back here?

I can't, Sarge.

I got guard duty.

Oh, that's right, I forgot.

Wait a minute.

You would let me drive
your car to the airport?

Well, sure. Why not?

I though you had to
be at least a captain.

(laughs)

Check the barracks.

Boy, you really go all out

when you do
something, huh, Gomer?

"Take care of your things

and your things will
take care of you."

"Keep thy shop and
thy shop will keep thee."

You know who used to say that?

Benjamin Franklin?

No, Grandma Pyle.

Did Benjamin
Franklin say it, too?

Yeah.

All right, you people,
I need a volunteer!

Slater, you're it.

You have to drive me
to the airport right now.

I can't, Sarge, I don't
have a driver's license.

Huh?

Okay, Gillette, you
just won the prize.

You have to drive me
to the airport in my car

and then bring
it right back here.

You got a license?

No, Sergeant. Oh...

Hey, Frisby, you
got a driver's license?

Sure, I do.

Okay, let's go; you'll drive me.

Sure, Sarge, be glad to.

What happened to you head?

Oh, nothing.

I was just driving a jeep
yesterday, when this guy

in front of me stopped
short, so I plowed into him.

Forget it.

You're not driving my car.

You got a driver's
license, Pyle?

I sure have, Sergeant.

I got a license and
I'm a very good driver.

I never have had an accident.

I had a feeling
you'd end up with me.

Yeah.

It's the reason I
didn't say nothing.

I didn't want to push myself.

Okay.

I'd be proud and
honored to drive your car.

Well...

And I'll take good
care of it, too.

"Keep thy shop and
thy shop will keep thee."

You know who
used to say that a lot?

Grandma Pyle and
Benjamin Franklin.

Pyle, do you think you could
drive me out to the airport

in my car and then
bring it right back here

without anything happening?

Well, sure, Sergeant.

Swear. Huh?

Nothing; I just
wanted to make sure

that nothing happened
to my car, that's all.

Golly, nothing'll
happen to your car.

Why, if anything
happens to that car,

I hope it happens to me, too.

Don't worry, it will.

All right, you know
where I park my car.

Meet me there in ten minutes.

Don't forget to wash your hands!

Golly!

Looks just like a
brand-new car, Sergeant.

You sure do keep it shiny.

Don't touch it, Pyle!

I didn't mean to scare you.

It's a thing with me.

Fingerprints drive me crazy.

Now get in.

I want to make
sure you can drive it.

Now, what's the
first thing you do?

Well, first thing I like to do

whenever I drive a strange car

is get the feel of the brakes.

Good, good.

Next, it's important

to get the feel of the
wheel in your hands,

see how much
play there is in it.

Good thinking. It's just right.

Just the right amount of play.

Good. Now remember,

these are the lights,
that's the windshield wiper,

that's the cigarette lighter...

If you don't mind, Pyle,

I'd rather you didn't
smoke in the car.

Oh, you don't have to worry
about that, Sergeant; I don't smoke.

Yeah, well, if you take it
up, don't do it in the car.

That's the
directional indicator,

that's the hand brake.

But honest, Sergeant,
I know all that.

Well, it never hurts to
go over these things.

Now, are you sure
you can handle it?

Absolutely positively.

Okay, now move over, I'll drive.

(jet engines
whining in distance)

Okay, Pyle,

there should only be 14
and eight-tenths more miles

on the car when I get back,

because that's the distance
from here to the base and back.

Now, from here on,
you're in charge of the car.

Right, Sergeant.

Come on, I want to tell
you a few more things.

Remember, cover
the car with the cover.

Don't worry, Sergeant; I will.

And make sure you
tuck it in under the wheel

so no sand blows
against the hubcaps.

You can count on me.

I'll tuck it in just like it
was a baby in a cradle.

Ah... and, remember,
Pyle, no speeding.

20, 25 miles an hour
is enough for anybody.

I'll be careful.

And don't turn on the heater.

It may make you sleepy.

I won't, Sergeant. Let's see.

Did I forget anything?

I don't think so. Let's see.

Don't turn on the radio,

don't turn on the heater,

don't go over 25 miles an hour,

don't open the
vents or the windows,

don't jam on the brakes,
don't smoke in the car,

don't forget to signal,
don't drive one-handed

and don't race the motor.

Right. Have a nice ride back.

Okay, Sergeant.
You have a nice trip.

And remember, Pyle, I'll
be back this time tomorrow.

I want to see that car
the same way as I left it,

right there where I left it.

Don't worry, Sergeant,
I'll take care of it

just like it's my very own!

It's gone!

Sergeant Carter's car is gone!

All right, now let's
have all the details.

Stolen car.

See, I was parked
out at the airport...

Hold it, hold it.

First, a few other things.

Name?

Pyle, Gomer Pyle.

All right, Pyle,

when did you first discover
your car was missing?

Well, it's not my car,
it's my sergeant's.

All right, I'll try it again.

Now whose car was stolen?

That's the name I want.

The name the car
is registered under.

Carter, Sergeant Vincent Carter.

You see, Sergeant Carter
went to San Francisco,

and he asked me to drive him.

Okay, Pyle.

Now, when did you first
discover your car was missing?

When I went to get in it.

When was that?

Oh, I'd say it was just about...

well, it couldn't
have been too long.

I'd say it was just about...

maybe just about,
just a short time ago.

Pyle, I can't type all
that in this little space.

Now just give me a time.

How long ago was it?

Oh, I'd say about
ten minutes ago.

Maybe 20.

30, tops.

Look, Pyle, this isn't a
multiple-choice exam.

Just stick with one answer.

I'm sorry. I'm just so nervous.

Golly, do you
think you'll find it?

Probably have a better chance if
we know what kind of car it was.

Now what kind
was it? It's a Dodge.

What year?

1961, but it looks brand-new.

He keeps his car
in real tip-top shape.

What color?

Well, I guess you'd
call it a two-tone.

It's white on the top
and red on the bottom.

Or was it red on the top
and white on the bottom?

No, it was white on the
top and red on the bottom.

'Course, the red was
kind of a raspberry.

Golly, I hate to
rush you, Officer,

but I just got to find that car

before Sergeant Carter
gets back tomorrow.

Look, we have to
fill out these forms.

Besides, 80% of the time,

stolen cars are usually
found abandoned somewhere

within three or four days.

Three or four days?!

But I've got to have
it back by tomorrow!

Gome! Duke.

What happened, buddy? You
sounded terrible on the phone.

Did they find it? No!
What am I gonna do?

Sergeant Carter's gonna kill me.

He's just gonna kill me,
he's gonna kill me dead!

Look, Carter can't
be mad at you.

It wasn't your
fault. Yes, it was.

I should have
taken the keys out.

You left the keys in the car?

Sergeant Carter's gonna
come back tomorrow,

and he's gonna look for his
car, and it's not gonna be there,

and he's gonna say,
"Where's my car?"

And I'm gonna say, "Gone."
And he's gonna say, "Gone?!"

And then he's gonna grab
me, and he's gonna kill me.

He's gonna kill me dead!

Gomer, Gomer, get
a grip on yourself.

All right, now,
come on, come on.

The sooner we finish this,

the better our chances
are of finding the car.

Were there any obvious marks?

(phone rings)

Dugan.

Really? What make?

Hold on a second.

This might be your lucky day.

They just found
an abandoned car.

What year, Freddy?

'61?

He thinks it's a '61.

That's it! That's it!

Bless you, Officer.

Bless the officer that found it!

Bless you all!

Where is it?

Yeah, where is it at?

No kidding.

Do they know where it is?

It's in the ocean.

It's in the ocean!

They found the car,
and it's in the ocean!

In the ocean?!

Duke, Sergeant Carter's
car's in the ocean!

Oh, golly, golly,
golly, golly, golly!

Ah, look, Pyle, maybe
this isn't your sergeant's car.

Why don't you wait
before you panic?

Duke, Sergeant Carter's car
is down there in that water,

and he's gonna come back,

and he'll say, "Why's
my car so wet?"

And I'm gonna say, "On account
of they found it in the ocean."

And then he's gonna kill
me; he's gonna kill me dead.

Look, Gomer, relax, will you?

Relax? I can't relax!
Well, you've got to.

My fingers are going numb.

I'm sorry, Duke, but
what am I gonna do

if that's Sergeant
Carter's car down there?

Well, first you get
a great big blotter...

That ain't funny, Duke.
That just ain't funny.

I'm sorry.

OFFICER DUGAN: Any second now...

Here it comes... I can't look.

Oh, please don't be
the sergeant's car.

Please, please, please.

Look, Gomer,
it's not your fault.

It could happen to anybody.

Besides, it's just
as much his fault

for leaving the keys in the car.

D'you ever think about that?

No, I didn't. Well,
think about it.

Why didn't he take the keys out?

You remind him of
that when he gets back.

I will. You're darn right.

And then he'll kill me dead.

DUGAN: There it is.

Well, Pyle, is that it?

That's a station wagon.

See, that, Duke? That
ain't the sergeant's car.

Yeah, you're right.

Oh, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

Ain't that wonderful?

I thought that was gonna be

the sergeant's car down there.

But it's not. That's
not the sergeant's car.

What a lucky thing.

That ain't the sergeant's car.

But if that ain't the
sergeant's car...

then where is the
sergeant's car?

Let's go.

Gee, is there any other place

we could go and
look? Well, we'd just

be running around in circles.

The only thing to do
is wait and sit tight.

Well, maybe if we just go...

DISPATCH: Abandoned
car Wait a minute.

Reported at empty
lot on the corner

of Fairview and Essex.

Cars in vicinity,
investigate at once.

Abandoned car
reported in empty lot

on the corner of
Fairview and Essex.

Abandoned car. That
could be it, Gomer.

Golly, maybe
that's it. You think?

Come on.

Well, is that Sergeant
Carter's car or isn't it?

Could have been
repainted, you know.

No, that isn't it.

Or wasn't it.

Maybe something came
in while we were gone.

Mm... no.

Not a thing.

Well, there's nothing
to do now but wait.

I'll call you if I
hear anything.

Call me? What do you mean?

Look, Pyle, why don't
you go back to the base

and get a good night's rest?

But I wouldn't be
able to sleep a wink.

Please let me
stay here and wait.

Wouldn't do any good, kid.

Why don't you go back
to camp, get some sleep?

But I just gotta stay
here till I find that car.

Look, Gomer, it
might not show up

for days, weeks, maybe never.

Don't say that, Duke.
Bite your tongue.

Well, those are the facts

and you might as well face them.

Well, what about
Sergeant Carter?

He's coming back tomorrow,

and when he gets off that plane,

he's going to say,
"Where's my car?

And I'm gonna say,
"Your car was... We know.

And he's gonna kill me dead.

DUGAN: Go on, Pyle.

Go on back to the base.

I promise to call you
first thing in the morning

Well... Come on, buddy.

Get a good night's sleep.

You'll feel better tomorrow.

Okay, but you promise to call me

first thing in the morning.

DUGAN: First thing.

He loved that car so
much it was his whole life,

and now it's gone, and
when he comes back,

I'm gonna be gone, too.

You want to know why?

'Cause he's gonna
get off that plane

and he's gonna say,
"Where's my car?"

and I'm gonna say,
"Well, I parked your car

in the parking lot,
but it was stolen."

And then he's gonna...

CARTER: I want to see that
car the same way as I left it.

The same way as I left it.

The same way as I left it.

Pyle. Pyle, hey!

Huh? Did you find the car?

Wake up, Pyle.

Officer Dugan.

I'm sorry, but I just couldn't
sleep back at the base.

Want some coffee?

No, thank you. Is
there anything new?

I just got in.

Let's take a look.

Well, what do you know?

What's it say?

A stolen car was
spotted just an hour ago.

Matches your description.

Does it say where?

190th and Merivale.

That's on the outskirts of town.

Where they're building
a new housing project.

Oh, glory be, glory be.

Ah, keep your fingers crossed.

Guess that's it over there.

I don't believe it.

I just don't believe it.

This is it!

This is the car.

This is Sergeant Carter's car.

Hallelujah.

And it's perfect,
it's just perfect.

I can't believe it.

You're a lucky man, Pyle.

And all because of you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Duke. I gotta call Duke.

Phone booth over there.

Hello? Camp Henderson?

I'd like to speak to Private
First Class Duke Slater

in B Company, please.

It's an emergency.

Ya-hoo!

Hello, Duke?

It's me, Gomer.

Guess what?

Right! We found the car.

Uh-huh. Yeah, just this minute.

It's way out here at
the far end of town.

And guess what, Duke?

There ain't a scratch on it.

Ain't that something?

There ain't the teeniest
little scratch on it.

Hello? Gomer?

Gomer? Gomer, what happened?

Hello. Hello?

It's terrible. Just terrible.

And it's stupid.

Just no excuse.

Case of negligence
is what I'd say.

You have anything to add
to what the officer said, son?

He's been that way
ever since it happened.

That's why I came
here, Mr. Gibbons.

Is there anything you can do?

Well, it shouldn't be
too big of a problem.

I'll just turn it over to
my insurance company,

I'm certain that
after 30 or 60 days

they'll be able to
satisfy the claim.

(moans)

What's the matter?

You see, his sergeant
is coming back today.

He had the car all
ready to return to him.

If it hadn't been for the fact

that one of your men left
that crane unsecured...

(moans)

So... that's how
it is with the lad.

Mr. Gibbons,

You were in the
service once, I'm sure.

Can you imagine
being in a spot like that

with your sergeant?

Yes.

Yes!

Come on.

How do you like it, Pyle?

If you do, it's all yours.

Or, I should say,
your sergeant's.

Shazam!

I never heard "shazam," before,

but I think it
means he likes it.

I've made a lot of
fast purchases before,

but this one beats them all.

What time is your
sergeant due in?

Oh, golly, I just about got
time to make it out to the airport.

Well, then, get going.

I can't thank you
enough, Mr. Gibbons.

And you, too, Officer Dugan.

Better hurry, Pyle.

I almost forgot.
You got the keys?

They're in your hand.

Oh.

Hey, Sergeant.

Hello, Pyle.

How was your trip?

Where's my car?

Hey, Franklin, you
remember me? Gomer Pyle?

'Course you might
have forgotten.

You haven't been around

too much lately,
but welcome home.

He's not a war hero,
Pyle, he was AWOL.

Now, where's my
car? Where is it?

Well, it's right over there.

Where? I don't see my car.

I know. That's
what I got to explain.

Maybe I better start
at the beginning.

I don't care where
you start, just start.

Where's my car?!

Well, you see, right
after you left yesterday,

I went back to get your car,

but I didn't really
go back to your car

because when I went back to
your car, your car wasn't there.

What are you trying
to tell me? What is it?

Where is my car, huh?

Well, your car was stolen.

Stolen?

My car was...? Wait!

See, I left the keys in it,

but then I went
right to the police.

Pyle, where is my
car? Where is it?

Like I say, it's
right over there.

And you know
where they found it?

They found it?

They sure did.

It was parked
right on the street.

Right near where they was
tearing this building down.

There wasn't a scratch on it,

and then this big
steel ball fell on it

and just smashed
your car to smithereens.

My car?

But the owner of the
construction company

felt so bad about it,
he wanted you to have

this new 1966 car
with his compliments.

So, like I said,
there's your car.

Free?

Just like that?

Then you ain't kidding?

This is really my car?

For keeps.

Don't touch it, Pyle.

Oh, boy. What a stroke of luck.

What a stroke of luck!

I can't yell at you,
Pyle. You were lucky,

and your luck was my luck.

But remember, it
was just pure luck,

and that doesn't wipe out
the fact that you were careless.

I know, but...

No excuses, Pyle,
you were careless.

You never, never,
leave the keys in a car.

But I was just...

I know what you're gonna say.

You're gonna say it
was just a short time.

But no matter how short a time,

you never leave
the keys in a car.

Do you know how long
it takes, Pyle, to just turn,

to just turn a
little key in a lock?

No time at all, Pyle.

So you never, you
never, leave the keys...

Golly, Sergeant, you
know, you're right.

You can't leave a key
anywhere any more.

Where is he?

Where's my prisoner?!

Don't forget, Pyle, I'll
catch the next plane out,

so tell Boyle to
take over for me.

I may not be back till late
tomorrow or the next day.

Okay, Sergeant.

Are you sure that
Franklin's on that plane?

Yeah. They radioed the pilot.

He said they'll
hold Franklin for me

when the plane lands in Phoenix.

Just my luck, he wouldn't
jump a plane to San Francisco.

No, he has to go all
the way to Arizona.

That boy needs
an air credit card.

Very funny, Pyle.

You just get back to
the base, understand?

Yes, sir.

And you just take
care of this car.

Don't worry, Sergeant.

I won't let it out of my sight.

Make sure you don't.

Because we wouldn't want to have

this nice brand-new
car stolen, would we?

No, sir.

But we don't have to
worry about that, do we?

Uh-uh. Good.

Okay, Pyle, I got to be going.

So long.

So long, Sergeant.