Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 8 - Gomer and the Dragon Lady - full transcript

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Hut, hut, hut, left!

Turn!

Company, halt!

Fall out!

All right, all
right! Spread out!

Move around here.

Now, this morning's
field exercise,

individual scouting.

Remember, a good scout knows

cover, concealment, camouflage,

and principles of movement.

He also knows...

Where's the phone?

Pyle!

What took you so long?

(IN SOUTHERN
ACCENT) Well, sir...

I was just telling these men

the things that
make a good scout,

and pokiness ain't
one of them. Yes, sir.

Do you know the things
that do make a good scout?

Yes, sir.

A good scout is trustworthy,
loyal, helpful, friendly,

courteous, kind, cheerful,
obedient, and thrifty...

Pyle!

A Boy Scout is also
brave, clean, and reverent.

And they salute like
this, with three fingers.

Are you kidding me?
Are you putting me on?

Oh, no, sir. I was in troop
437, Mayberry branch.

I wasn't talking
about Boy Scouts.

I'm talking about
scouting, Marine scouting!

Now, that's a
different thing entire.

CARTER: Oh, it is?

Yes, sir.

Scoutin' and patrollin',

chapter 16 in the
Marine Guidebook.

That's the part where you're
supposed to know about cover,

concealment, camouflage,
and the principle of movement.

Now, that's a altogether
different thing from Boy Scoutin'.

You see, a Boy Scout
is trustworthy, loyal...

Knock it off!

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Must be for you, Sarge. Not
a soul one knows I'm out here.

Hello. This here's
Gomer Pyle talkin'.

You wanna talk to the Sergeant?

He's standin' right
here at the side of me.

Alpha checkpoint,
Sergeant Carter.

Eh, yes, sir. We're
just about to begin.

Sir?

Oh, that was just
one of the men who...

Yes, sir.

I'll tell him.

And there's a string of
telephone poles along there,

from D12 to F9.

Uh-huh. Any military vehicles?

No. No vehicles, sir.

Okay.

Where's Pyle now?
Everybody else is here.

Sir.

Huh?

Good afternoon, sir.

How's your scouting
exercise going, Sergeant?

Very good, sir. All checked
out except one man.

GOMER: Yoo-hoo,
Sergeant! It's me, Gomer!

I'm back!

I'll be down there in a minute.

Be right there.

Did you know it was me

with all this plant
life on my helmet?

I found these buttercups
and daisies up there

while I was lookin' for
some camouflage branches.

I picked 'em for your desk.

I thought they'd
look real pretty.

Things look so
drab in that office.

Let's see if you
like your butter.

(SPEAKING UNDER HIS
BREATH) Drop 'em! Drop 'em!

Was this one of the men
on the scouting exercise?

Uh, yes, sir. Uh, he
was just reporting in.

Weren't you, Pyle?

Yes, sir.

Well, report in.

Well, sir...

There's a right nice
stretch of land over yonder.

Alfalfa's comin' up fair.

Melons would grow
real good there, though.

Soil is kind of sandy.

It's not too salty. I tasted it.

And there's a whole
string of bushes

along the path from F2 to H4.

But they're just awful bushes,
they're just full of stickers.

And there was a telephone
pole by the side of the highway

with a poster tacked
up. It said, uh...

"Mayfair theatre, tonight,

"Ma and Pa Kettle in Hawaii,

"selected short subjects,

"and Thursday
night's family night."

Sergeant, can I have a
word with you, please?

Sergeant, that is
the poorest excuse

for a scout I've seen yet.

Yes, sir.

I would suggest a
little more lecture time

on scouting and patrolling.

Maybe you could
use a little yourself.

Yes, sir.

Carry on.

(CAR DRIVING AWAY)

All right, you people.

I was gonna give
you all liberty tonight,

provided nobody
fouled-up on this exercise.

Well, one man fouled-up,
so the liberty is canceled.

That's just terrible, sir.

Not to embarrass the
man, but who was it?

You, Pyle! The man was you!

Me, sir?

You! Pyle, you violated all
the principles of movement

on your scouting mission!

You were strolling
around, picking daisies

and looking at movie posters.

You blew it! But, sir...

You blew it, Pyle! You
blew it for everybody!

I just feel terrible, sir.

Do all the men have to
suffer on account of me?

That's right. That was the deal.

One foul-up, and
the liberty was off.

And what did you do?

I blew it, sir.

Right.

All right, everybody, fall in.

Daisies he picks
for me, daisies!

Where do they find them?

I had to cancel liberty
for the whole platoon.

You know what he needs?
A good rap on the head,

something that might jar
something loose upstairs.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Everything all right, fellas?

Oh, hi, Hannah.
Great. How are you?

(CHUCKLING)

Ow! Hannah, it hurts!

You know the company rules,

"You can look but don't touch."

I'm sorry. I lost my head.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh! It kills me the way
she does that, you know.

How'd you like to
be married to that?

Who, the Dragon
Lady? I don't think so.

Better not let her
hear you call her that.

She'll kill you.

And she can do it too, Benson.

I think she could take you.

Not if I trained for
a couple months.

No. Look, would you just let up?

He must be new around here.

He's gonna get
learned real fast.

Let's go.

Hey, guys, check it out!

You want a rematch?

Out.

Now, why couldn't that
have been Pyle, huh?

Flyin' through
the air like that.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Why can't it be Pyle?

What are you talking about?

We'll set him up against Hannah.

Oh, how I'd love to see that.

How are you gonna set him up?

Look, don't worry
about it. I'll set him up.

I'll fix it. I'll fix
it real good.

How come we got
our liberty back, huh?

You know what I think?
I'll tell you what I think.

I think the Sergeant's
just bein' nice to us,

is what I think.

He never does
stay mad at us long.

You know what else I
think? I'll tell you what I think.

I think we ought to go tell
him how nice it is of him.

No, Gomer. You
fouled us up yesterday

and made us lose the liberty.
We got it back by a miracle

and we ain't gonna
let you foul us up again.

Well, I sure am
sorry about yesterday.

Honest, I am.

Look, in 30 minutes, we'll
be on that bus into town.

Do you think you can stay
out of trouble just that long?

I sure don't mean
to get in no trouble.

Good. Don't do anything,
don't say anything.

If you say so, Duke.

Ten-hut!

As you were.

All right, two things.

First, transportation will
leave the main gate at 1730.

ALL: Hey. Great. Yeah.

And second, since this
is your first liberty in town,

we gotta observe
a certain tradition.

Every man will put
his ID Card in this hat,

and the name I draw

will represent this
particular company.

What's it all about,
Sarge? What's the tradition?

We have this tradition that
one man from each company

collects his first liberty
kiss from Miss Hannah Troy.

Who's she?

She runs a tavern in town.

Come on, let's
go, let's go, let's go.

Come on, come on, come on.

Pyle, Pyle, Pyle.

I think I'll pass up
the drawin', Sergeant.

What?

Let somebody else
have my chance.

But you can't. I mean, it's...

It's gotta be
representative. But...

Pyle, it's tradition.

You going against
tradition? Well...

Of course not.

There's nothing more sacred
in the Marines than tradition.

Good. Now everybody's in.

Now for the drawing.
For the tradition.

All right. Give me
some room. Some room.

The winner is...

Gomer Pyle. And what
do you think of that?

And you were the one
that weren't even interested.

Congratulations, Pyle. Now
here's the way the tradition

of the first liberty kiss
works. But, Sergeant...

You just go up to
her and you say,

"Dragon Lady, I'm here for
my first liberty kiss." But, sir...

It'll be a moment
you will never forget.

All right, Pyle, now,

I'll see you tonight at
Hannah's Bar & Grill.

That's on Exchange
Street. Is that clear? Yes, sir.

All right, now. You be there.

But, sir... You
lucky stiff. Free kiss.

I just can't do it.

What?

I just can't do it.

I just couldn't up and
kiss some strange girl.

Why, we ain't done no
steppin' out or courtin'.

This is different,
Gomer. It's just a kiss.

But I don't even know
her folks or nothin'.

You don't have to
kiss her folks, just her.

Oh, I just couldn't.

Why, back home, we'd go
callin' for a whole summer

before we'd even get to bitin'
on the same apple together.

Besides, I did make other plans.

Ever since I seen that movie
poster on the telephone pole,

I've been lookin' forward
to goin' to the picture show

to see Ma and Pa
Kettle in Hawaii.

We've been stuck
in training for months,

this is your first trip to town,

and you wanna see
Ma and Pa Kettle?

Right.

What's the matter
with you, Gomer?

You got something
against kissing?

Oh, no. I like kissin'.
Kissin' can be fun.

But back home, I went with
Ida Carrington for 11 months

before I kissed her.

Then it took two
hours of coaxin'.

Oh, boy.

I only did it to
stop her coaxin'.

I'm sorry.

I just don't like
strangers kissin'.

That's why I never did
like New Year's Eve.

Come 12:00, and smacko.

Everybody's kissin'
everybody else.

And the next day,
everybody wakes up

with a cold to start
out the new year.

Do you mind if I
take your place?

What?

Well, you were the one
that was picked for the kiss.

Why can't I tell this chick
I'm the one that was picked?

That ain't truthful, Duke.

Suppose I tell
her I'm your proxy?

You're my what? Your proxy.

You appointed me
to collect for you

'cause you couldn't make it.

That's a proxy?

Yeah. How about it?

Well, if you want
to. Oh, I want to.

Okay. Good.

You're gonna be my what?

I'm gonna be your proxy.

Gosh, you know somethin'?
I never had a proxy before.

Shoot, I never even
had a godfather.

When's he comin'?

Oh, any minute.

This is gonna be
beautiful. Beautiful.

(CHUCKLING)

(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC
PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

That must be her, fellas.
She looks like the boss lady.

(WHISTLING)

Gomer don't know
what he passed up.

(SIGHS)

Hey, Vince, isn't that one
of your people over there?

Hmm?

Don't wait up for
me tonight, kid.

What's happening, sweetness?

What does that
idiot think he's doing?

He'll ruin everything.

So you're the famous
Dragon Lady, huh?

Well, I'm the famous Duke
Slater, baby, Company B.

They call me LB
for short. Lover Boy.

Old LB is here to collect
his first liberty kiss.

So now that the introductions
are out of the way...

Let's go to the moon, baby.

No, thank you.

Let's go.

Come on.

Oh, dear.

(GRUNTING)

Why does she always
throw them toward us?

Now, we ought to talk to
her. This is like drinking beer

at the wrong end
of a bowling alley.

What'd I do? What'd I do?

You have just been formally
introduced to the Dragon Lady.

What do you think you're
doing? Where's Gomer?

Gomer let me take his place.

He what?

He didn't want to come,
so he let me be his proxy.

His proxy?

Oh, you fixed it! You
fixed it real good! Huh?

That was supposed to be
him stretched out there, pally.

You mean it was a
phony? It was all a setup?

Yeah!

I wanted to see Gomer go
flying trough the air, not you.

Are you happy now?

I'm sorry, Sarge.

Sorry ain't enough! Now
you go get Gomer in here!

That's right! You took all
my fun away! Go get him!

Go get him? Yeah!

Look, don't you wanna see
Gomer go flying through the air?

You're entitled now.

Flying through the...
Oh, yeah! Yeah. Yeah?

Yeah. Good idea, Sarge.
I'll go get him, Sarge. Go! Go!

Go! Go!

Come on, we're gonna get Gomer.

(CHUCKLING)

Second floor show, coming up.

Are you sure he
went to the movies?

He probably stayed
to see it twice.

There he is.

Okay. Just follow my lead.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, Duke. Hey, fellas.

Hey, Gomer. Howdy, Gomer.

Are you goin' to
the picture show?

It's a real good one.

I'll go see it with
you again, if you like.

I've seen it twice
already, but I'll go again.

No. I couldn't,
Gome. Not tonight.

I'm just not in the
mood for a picture.

But this'll cheer you up.
It's a real funny picture.

There's one place in the picture

where Ma and Pa Kettle
are rockin' on the front porch.

Well, Pa Kettle, he don't
notice this loose board...

Uh, you're probably wondering
why I don't feel in the mood, Gome.

So, I'll tell you.
It's the Sergeant.

He's hurt.

Very hurt.

Was there an accident?

He's hurt inside.

Because tonight, a Marine
Corps tradition was broken,

and his company
wasn't represented

when the first liberty
kisses were passed out.

He really feels bad, huh?

Very bad. 'Cause
you didn't show up.

But wasn't you gonna
take my place, Duke?

Wasn't you gonna be
my... What do you call it?

Proxy? Yeah, proxy.

Yeah. That's what made it worse.

It absolutely has to be the
man chosen from the hat.

The lady wouldn't kiss a proxy?

Absolutely not.

For years, this tradition
has been faithfully observed,

an unbroken chain until...

Well, until tonight.
That's why he's so sad.

You know tradition means a
lot to Sergeant Carter, Gomer.

It does to me,
too, honest, fellers.

I wouldn't be surprised if he even
transferred out of the shame of it.

Huh, fellas? Yeah.

He might.

Gosh! I didn't realize it
was this big a tradition.

Oh, it is. It is.

Yeah. It's like
West Point, Gome.

You know, the flirtation walk.

Why, it's even bigger than
the Semper Fidelis march.

No foolin'?

No fooling.

But still... To kiss
a strange woman...

Well, the least you can do
is come talk to the Sergeant,

tell him why you can't do it.

Well, I guess I do
owe him that much.

It's bigger than Semper
Fidelis, you really mean it?

It's getting late, Vince.

Do you think your Gomer
Pyle guy is gonna show up?

I don't know.

Hey, hey, hey, isn't that
your pigeon coming in now?

He got him.

Good old Duke, he's made
an old man very happy.

Hey, Sergeant.

I'm sorry about things, sir.

Honest, never wanted
you to go into your shell,

not for a minute.

Huh?

Uh, we told Gomie
you felt real bad

about the tradition
being broken, Sarge,

and you might even transfer out.

You know, because your
company didn't come up with a man

for first liberty kiss?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. But it could
have been worse.

So, I'll just transfer out,
maybe even leave the Corps.

So what if I put in
18 years of my life?

Through thick and thin,
through war and peace.

So what? I'll leave.

You can't leave the Marine
Corps, sir. You just can't.

Better than have it said that

I was the one who
broke tradition. No!

It's a far, far
better thing I do...

I'll cut out.

I never heard
anything more beautiful

in all my put-togethers.

Pyle, I guess you
don't know me very well.

Call me an old sentimentalist
if you like, but, well...

I'm a fool about tradition.

And when a tradition
is broken, I just, well...

Call me a fool.

Why, I never would.

A fool.

And the only honorable
thing for this fool to do

is to transfer out.

Don't say that,
Sergeant. I'll do it.

What?

I'll collect that there
first liberty kiss.

Now, look, Pyle,

I don't want you to do
anything you don't want to do.

Even though you were
chosen, fair and square,

you still don't have to do
this if you don't want to.

I don't? Well, in that case...

No, I'll just transfer out.

Call me a fool.

I'll do it. I'll do
it. Where is she?

A sentimental fool.

Call me a sentimental...

He'll do it. He'll do it.

You will?

Yes, sir.

Where's she at?

Over there.

It'll be over before you know
it. I can promise you that.

Remember, Gomer,
it's a tradition.

Right. What do I do now?

You just go up to
her and you say,

"Dragon Lady, I'm here
for my first liberty kiss."

And go.

Hey, ma'am.

Hello.

First off, I don't much care
for the name "Dragon Lady,"

so I won't call you that.

And second, it ain't nothin'
personal against you, ma'am,

it's just that my upbringing's
against kissin' strangers.

But it's gotta be done

on account of the Sergeant
over there did spend 18 years

in war and peace, and
through thick and thin.

And if he's a fool
about tradition,

then I ain't gonna
stand in his way.

Joe...

What have you been giving him?

And most of all, since
it is a glorious tradition,

bigger than Semper Fidelis,

it ain't fittin' that one little ol'
person like me stands up against it.

The only thing I ask, ma'am,

is could the kiss be
along the jawbone here?

And that'd make
it friendly and all,

without gettin' too involved,

and it'd be enough to satisfy
the Sergeant over there.

Wait a minute. Now,
let me get this straight.

Um, you want a kiss?

But not for you.

But for your sergeant.

Uh-huh.

Come with me.

They're going into the backroom.

I won't see him
flyin' through the air.

She's never done that before.

Maybe she's gonna
throw him through the door.

Yeah.

It'll be just as good.

See, I never had no choice.

It was my name that
come out of the hat,

so here I am.

But you went to the movies

rather than come here
and kiss me, hmm?

Well, you see, it was
Ma and Pa Kettle,

and they're my favorites.

Well, I guess I'm no
match for Ma and Pa Kettle.

Oh, no, ma'am.
Don't get me wrong.

Most fellers would
fall all over theirselves

for a chance to kiss
a pretty girl like you.

But, well, you see,

that's the way I was brought up.

And I can't change.

Oh, I hope you never do.

It's awful quiet in there.

Well, maybe she's
toying with him,

you know, like a
cat with a mouse.

Yeah.

There they are.

He's still in one piece.

Over here.

Come on.

Here.

There. There we are.

Now...

Put your hand up here.

That's right.

Here it comes.

Both arms around me.

That's it.

Now close your eyes.

Oh, come on, Gomer.
It's the tradition.

Well, I done it, Sergeant.

Was it all right?

Huh?

It was fine, just fine.

Gomer, what'd you tell her?

Oh, just about traditions.

Huh?

Oh, you know about
how I was there

to collect my
first liberty kiss.

I explained the
whole thing to her.

She likes it.

She really does.

How about that?

That's it.

That's her weakness. Traditions.

She goes for it.

She must go for it.

What do you know?

You like that
tradition, huh, Hannah?

Oh, it's sweet.

Do you know whose idea that was?

Really?

Mmm-hmm.

I'm just a sentimental
fool, Hannah.

Aw.

Look, if you like
that tradition,

I got another one.

You have? Uh-huh.

On the first liberty night,

the Sergeant gets
some lovin', too.

After all,

I've been around a lot
longer than that private.

Do you know what I mean?

Oh, yeah.

Hmm? Mmm-hmm.

(SCREAMING)

What happened?

You done it all wrong, Sergeant.

You're supposed to put
both arms around her.

That's the tradition.

And you gotta
go by the tradition.

And you didn't keep your eyes
closed the whole time neither.

That's another
part of the tradition.

If you'd have put
both arms around her

and kept your eyes closed,

she'd kiss you real good,
but you didn't do that.

You see, what you done...

Oh, come on now.
Tell us everything,

right from the beginning.

You really want
to hear about it?

ALL: Yeah!

Tell us about it.

Right from the beginnin'?

ALL: Right from the beginning.

Well, right at the beginnin',

Ma and Pa Kettle was
rockin' on the front porch.

Well, Pa Kettle
didn't take no notice

of this loose board
that was there.

Well, about that
time, he rocked some,

and that board flew up
and hit him right in the face...