Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 7 - Nobody Loves a Sergeant - full transcript

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Up 318, on the road! Move it,
on the double! Move it, move it!

Only rifles and belts,
Gomer. No bunks.

Attention! Hands!

Ten-hut!

Good! You move very good.

For a bunch of old ladies!

After 10 weeks,
after 10 long weeks,

don't you people know how to
move on the double? Well, don't you?

SOLDIERS: Yes, sir! Then why
don't you, huh? Why don't you?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Excuse me, sir, but I was...

Pyle, you are a
pea-brain knucklehead.

On top of that, you're a
late pea-brain knucklehead!

I was just gonna
say I was... Don't talk!

I just said... Don't talk!

Yes, sir.

See, it was my belt.
It got caught on to...

Bunk.

Don't move that mouth. I
want no moving of that mouth!

No sound coming
from within it or without

and/or no combination of same!

Or I will have you doing pushups

into the middle of next week!

Is that clear?

Yes, sir. That's very clear. That's
as clear as anything... Ten-hut!

Inspection!

High!

I just love this part.

This piece is filthy!
Do you hear me, boy?

Filthy, dirty! Dirty,
dirty, dirty! Yes, sir!

There is no place in the
Marines for dirty people!

Do you hear me? There
is no place in the Marines

for dirty people
with dirty rifles!

You are dirty people
and I don't like you!

Do you hear me? ALL: Yes, sir!

Do you like me? Yes, sir!

Well, I don't like you!

Dirty, dirty, dirty!
Another dirty person!

You have a dirty rifle,
dirty person! You know that?

But, sir, I... Get it clean!

Yes, sir. Knock off that
smile! Tighten up that face!

I wanna see them lips
white! I wanna see 'em tight!

Get a mean look on your
face, boy! Mean! Mean!

I don't like you, boy. Do
you hear me? I don't like you!

Do you like me? Yes, sir.

(GROANS)

And, sir? I ain't just saying
that neither. I really do.

Huh?

I really, truly like you.

You do not.

You do not like me!

Let's you and me have a
mutual admiration society!

I don't like you,
you don't like me!

But, sir... Knock it off!

Now, you people listen up! You
are one week away from graduation!

In one week, you are supposed
to become basic Marines!

And I am here to tell you that
I do not think you are ready!

And why?

Because you are slow and
you are dirty! Dirty and slow!

Well, we have one
week to fix all that!

Every day between
now and graduation,

I'm gonna stay on you people
until you are squared away!

Is that clear? ALL: Yes, sir!

And why? Because you are...

ALL: Dirty, sir!
Dirty, dirty, dirty!

ALL: Dirty, dirty, dirty, sir!

Remember that!

Especially you!

Yes, sir.

Sir... And I like
you! I really do!

You people were supposed
to know your General Orders

your first week in boot camp.

Well, now it's 10 weeks later,

and let's just see.

Slater, what's your
6th General Order?

Sir, my 6th General Order is,

"To receive, obey and pass
on to the sentry who relieves me

"all orders from the commanding
officer, field officer of the day,

"officer of the day, and officers
and noncommissioned officers

"of the guard only!"

Lucky guess.

Peters, number eight! Sir,
my 8th General Order is,

"To give the alarm in case
of fire or disorder!" Hmm.

Pyle, number 11!

Sir, my 11th General Order is,

"To be especially
watchful at night,

"and during the
hours for challenging,

"to challenge all persons
on or near my post

"and to let nobody pass
without proper authority."

Wrong, wrong, wrong! All wrong!

Not "nobody." You said
"nobody!" It's "no one." "No one!"

"And to allow no one to
pass." You got that, Pyle?

"To allow no one to pass!"

And you call yourself
ready for graduation.

Pyle, I don't like people who
don't know their General Orders!

You hear?

Yes, sir. And I
don't blame you, sir.

But I like you.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

He means it. He likes me.

I still can't believe
he really likes you.

He likes me.

Well, that's just too
bad, Vince. Are you sure?

I'm sure. I'm sure.

I rip him apart, and he comes up
smiling. The knucklehead likes me.

A boot should hate
his DI. Isn't that right?

He should despise
him. Isn't that right?

Oh, yeah, hate and
despise. Hate and despise!

I'll never forget my
DI. Ironface Torken.

He was the meanest
human being that ever lived.

I hated him so much, I
used to lie awake nights,

dreaming up ways to get even.

I was gonna find a
dishonored surgeon.

You know, some doctor that
had been disbarred for drinking.

We'd chloroform Ironface,

and the doctor would
sew up his mouth.

Ironface Torken.

He was mean and
rotten and cruel!

Nothing but a
dictator and a beast!

He was the greatest
DI that ever lived.

Maybe you're not on
this boot enough, Carter.

I lean on him
every chance I get.

Yeah. But you gotta pound on
him 24 hours a day if you can.

And don't let up.

You know, I had a boot
started out like that once.

His father was a minister,
and he picked me to love.

Well, I made him my house mouse.

Made him keep my
quarters spotless.

Kept him under my
heel every minute.

I taught him. I
cured him but good!

When he graduated, he
was the perfect Marine.

Hated my guts!

There's an idea. Why don't I
make Pyle my house mouse?

Sure.

I'll make Pyle hate me
if it's the last thing I do.

I'll teach that boot to
fool around with tradition.

Boy, wait till that poor boot finds
out he's gonna be my house mouse.

Your house mouse? Gosh,
sir, what a wonderful honor.

I sure do appreciate it, sir.

It ain't an honor. You hear me?

Well, it may not be
to you, but it is to me.

It ain't every day a feller
gets to help out another feller

for which the first feller
has so much admiration.

Well, maybe you won't like it so
much when I tell you what you gotta do.

Oh, I'm sure I will, sir.

First, the deck.

"First, the deck."
Never mind repeating.

"Never mind repeat..."
No repeating. Right, sir.

I want this deck scrubbed,
bleached, and waxed.

Done and done,
sir. But I mean clean.

If there's one spot, you're
gonna have to do it all over again.

You hear that? One
spot, and you do it all over.

That's as it should be, sir.
Perfect is as perfect does.

One spot, and I do it all over
again. I said no repeating!

Now, my bunk!

My bunk is to be changed.

The blankets aired
and the linens replaced.

And if there is one wrinkle
in one blanket or sheet,

you're gonna have
to do it all over again.

Oh, my, do you hate that, too?

I just can't stand a
wrinkle in my sheet.

It's a throwback is what
it is. When I was a boy,

I had these sheets made out
of flour sacks sewed together,

and them seam ridges
nearly drove me berserk.

So I know what you mean. Who
told you you could gab on and on?

I wasn't repeating,
sir. It was all new stuff.

I'll say it again.

One wrinkle, and you
do the whole bunk over.

Now, my shoes.
Cleaned and polished!

With the respect due a fine
piece of leather. Aye, aye, sir.

And the windows, I
want them to glisten.

So's you can see from outside
in and the inside out, right.

Again, if there's one speck,

one tiny little speck

you're gonna have to do it all
over again. All over, you hear?

I hear.

And the ledges and the
shelves, I want 'em dusted.

And when I say dusted, I
don't mean just run over quickly.

I mean dusted!

Do you know what's gonna
happen if I find one speck of dust?

I'm gonna have to do it
all over again! All over!

You aren't fooling me with
that stupid act you're putting on.

What I'm doing to you burns
you up, doesn't it? No, it don't, sir.

Oh, come on, Pyle,
admit it. You don't like me.

You think it's rotten of me
to give you all this extra work!

No, I don't, sir. I like
you. I like you very much.

You say you do, but
you really don't, do you?

You couldn't like me
after all I'm doing to you.

You're wrong,
sir. I do like you.

Why?

It's easy. Look at you.

You're paying more attention
to me than you are to anybody.

Oh, I like you, sir. Honest.

Get to work!

Well, Pyle, you
ready for inspection?

Your house is all
moused, sir. Uh-huh.

Well, let's see.

Uh-huh.

It's filthy! Huh?

Look at that, you dirty person!

I don't hardly
see a thing. Filth!

What's the matter with you, Pyle?
Are you blind? You got poor eyesight?

Oh, no!

As a matter of fact, the
doctor that examined me

said I had the sharpest
pair of eyes he'd seen.

I want you to get that
scrub brush and get busy!

I once hit a chicken hawk
with a rock at 20 yards.

Pyle! Nobody ever
heard of it, though,

'cause there
weren't no witnesses.

Pyle! Excepting the hawk

and he was so stunned
he didn't remember nothing.

Knock it off!

You know something, Pyle? Sir?

You're not only
dirty, you are filthy!

Thank you, sir.

What are you thanking me for?

Well, it ain't every day you get a
straightforward, honest opinion.

Seems like every
time I turn around,

I'm thanking you
for improving my lot.

Sir, you're a friend
to have, for sure.

I'll get started right away
and do it all over again.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

I'm losing it, Whip.

You know that? Come on.

No, it's true.

I can't do anything wrong.

He likes me.

He likes me! Oh,
now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Did you try
humiliating Pyle in front of his peers?

His peers? The other guys.

They're peers?

Yeah, it means, uh, uh, the
other fellas in the platoon.

I never heard
them called "peers."

Yeah. It's, uh, a...
a fella's equals,

like, uh, like I'm your peer.

Hey, that's great.
Believe me, Vince,

humiliate him in front
of his own platoon.

Especially if he
doesn't deserve it.

His peers? Right.

And he'll come around.

He'll hate your guts.

One thing these boots
can't stand is injustice.

I'm desperate.

I'll try anything.

I can't graduate a
boot who likes me.

And he likes me!

The dirty peer.

Hey, your stuff looks
great, kid. Beautiful. Thanks.

Man, you sure can shine stuff.

You really got the magic
touch. MAN: Ten-hut!

Uh-huh. Good, good.

Oh, that's very good.
Very good. Uh-huh.

You call yourself
ready for graduation?

You call yourself
a basic Marine?

10 weeks ago, you
came to me a lump.

A plain, nothing lump!

I worked with you! I
gave you special attention!

And you know something?
You're still a lump!

This inspection is a disgrace!
I ain't learned you a thing!

You ain't fit to be in the same
platoon with these other peers!

You other peers listen to this.

This person is
not fit to graduate!

He is a sloppy peer!

Do it right!

(CLANGING)

Pick 'em up and do it right!

(PANTING)

You hate me for doing that,
don't you? You just hate me.

Tell the truth. Oh, no, sir.

It was nice of you to
point out my failings to me.

Only a friend would
do that. Thank you, sir.

I like you for that.

DOCTOR: In all my years
of being a psychiatrist,

I never heard
anything like this.

Now, uh, let me get
this straight, Sergeant.

You're upset because
a boot likes you?

That's right, sir.

Well, this is something new.

Most people have problems
because they aren't loved.

Sir, if a DI ain't
hated, he ain't a DI.

That's what's got me so
worried. This recruit likes me.

Tell me something
about yourself, Sergeant.

Sir?

Well, I mean, uh, what was your
life like before you became a Marine?

When you were a
youngster, a little fellow.

Sir, I don't know what you...

Uh, I mean, what... what kind
of an atmosphere was there?

(SIGHS)

Well, there was a lot
of hollering. Hollering?

I used to holler
at my sister a lot.

And my father used to holler
at me for hollering at my sister.

You might say I was
brought up on hollering.

Well, what about your mother?

She'd holler at my father.

Well, uh, how was she with you?

Was she nice?

Yeah. I guess.

Was she affectionate?

Well, sure. Did she have
any pet names for you?

Well, Sergeant, did she
have a nickname for you?

Well? Did she?

Sir, I don't see what this
has got to do with... Sergeant,

did your mother have
a nickname for you?

Yes, sir. Well, what was it?

What was the name
your mother used for you?

Num-num.

Num-num? Yes, sir.

It was a word I used
for candy and gum.

She used to call me that.

Num-num. Your father, too?

Well, then, uh, in spite of
the hollering around the house,

there was a more or
less friendly atmosphere.

I guess.

Of course, this is, um, just
an off-the-cuff diagnosis.

After all, you're not under
treatment. I don't know you too well.

But, uh, would you like to know
what I think, just generally speaking?

Yes, sir.

Carter, underneath
all that bluster,

there is still the
nice, friendly boy

from a more or less
nice, friendly atmosphere,

and Gomer Pyle
has gotten through.

He has reached Num-num.

You see, what you have in this, uh,
Gomer Pyle is a childlike individual

who can see through
anger and ranting and raving.

He will not be shaken
by your attacks,

because he knows
that underneath it all,

there is Num-num.

That's terrible!

Why?

Well, if he can do it,
another recruit can do it,

and I'm washed-up as a DI.

I can yell at them all day long,

and behind my back, they'll say,

"There goes Num-num.
Boy, did I like him."

"Hello, Num-num, sir."

I'll tell you what
I would suggest.

I'd put in for a transfer
if I were you, Sergeant.

Give up drill-instructing
for a while.

Go to another camp and
just be a regular sergeant.

Then, when you feel that your
confidence has been restored,

you can always come
back to being a DI.

You see,

your facade of meanness has
been penetrated, so to speak.

What's a facade?

Well, that's a...
Anything like a peer?

Uh, no, no. A facade
is just a disguise.

Yes, you... you put in for
that transfer, I'll endorse it,

and, uh, you should
have no trouble. Yes, sir.

It's a terrible
thing to be loved.

Hold still, Gomer.

Graduation! Shazam!

There you go.

Boy, it sure happened
fast, didn't it, fellers?

Yeah. It only
seemed like a century.

Hey, I got a great idea, fellers.
Let's make a pact, right now,

that we meet right here at
this camp 10 years from today

and have a reunion with a cake
and everything. How about that?

ALL: Yeah. Sounds
good. Where will we meet?

Hey, what about the cigar
store across from the main gate?

Hey, that's a great
idea, but what time?

How about 10 years
from this Friday, 8:00?

Then it's a date. Boy, this is gonna
be nice, so we won't lose touch

with one another.

I'll get my hat and go
tell Sergeant Carter.

Whoa! Back up,
buddy! Who needs him?

You mean you don't want
Sergeant Carter there?

The man that practically
raised us all together?

You don't wanna see him again?

Oh, we don't mind
seeing him again, Gomer.

It's just that 10
years is a little soon.

Really? Now, 30
or 40 years, okay.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

(MARINES' HYMN PLAYING)

(DRUM ROLL)

MAN: Platoon 317! Dismissed!

ALL: Aye, aye, sir!

(CHEERING)

CARTER: Platoon 318! Dismissed!

ALL: Aye, aye, sir!

(CHEERING)

(MEN WHOOPING)

(LAUGHING) Hey,
Whipple. So long.

I'm gonna miss you almost as
much as I'm gonna miss Gomer Pyle.

Well, it won't be the same
without you around here, Vince.

It's gonna be nice and
quiet. Take it easy, kid.

Be good, boy. PYLE:
Hey, Sergeant Carter, sir!

Huh? I looked for you
right after graduation.

Where'd you disappear to?

Well, I got a lot
of packing to do.

Sir, we won't be seeing each
other anymore after today,

and I was just wondering when and
where we could get together again?

Well, that's hard to say. You
see, Pyle, I put in for a transfer.

You did? Yeah, so, uh,

I can't tell you when or where
we could get together again.

Shoot, just tell me where you're
gonna be, and I'll look for you.

No, Pyle, you don't understand.

You're going to
Parris Island for your

infantry training.
That's in South Carolina.

And I'm going to Camp
Henderson. That's in California.

(LAUGHS) We'll be
thousands of miles apart!

Heck, it's a shame we both
can't go to the same camp.

(LAUGHING) Yeah. It's a
real shame. Well, so long, Pyle.

Hey, Sergeant? Let's
write to each other, hear?

Yeah. Yeah. We'll
write. Goodbye.

Hey, I did wanna tell
you about the reunion

our platoon's gonna
have 10 years from now.

Oh, yeah. Good, good.
Well, goodbye, Pyle.

It won't be a reunion
if you ain't there.

So remember, it's 10
years from this Friday

in the cigar store
opposite the main gate.

The cigar store. I'll remember.

Goodbye, Pyle. Sir, sir.

It's 10 years from
this Friday at 8:00.

(GROANS)

Sergeant, your men
have just arrived.

Yeah? What do they look like?

(GRUNTS)

Well, they can't be any worse than the
bunch of meatheads I had in boot camp.

One in particular. Come
on, let's take a look.

Fall in!

CARTER: All right, you
men are no longer boots!

You are now basic Marines!

You will now begin your
advanced infantry training!

I will be your troop leader!

My name is Sergeant Carter!

Now, the fir...

Hey, Sergeant, sir! Surprise!

Pyle, what are you...

What are all of
these men doing...

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

What?

Well, here's what happened.

You know, you said that they was
gonna send us all to Parris Island?

Well, they didn't
do no such thing.

At the last minute, they
changed their minds

and they sent us here
to Camp Henderson,

where you said you
was gonna be sent.

I didn't wanna tell you on account
I didn't wanna spoil the surprise.

And I sure am glad I didn't.

'Cause it is a surprise,
ain't it, Sergeant?

You sure look surprised.

All right, you men!

You were sent here,
and I was sent here!

Okay! I'm gonna
work you and work you!

You think it's gonna be easy just
because you're out of boot camp?

Well, it ain't!

And Pyle, I don't know what you
think you see when you look real close,

but I will tell you, I am still
a sergeant, hard and tough!

It ain't just a... A
facade. It ain't a facade!

You think it's a facade? No!
It's me, through and through!

Is that clear? Is
that very clear?

Yes, sir. Mmm.

Sir? Huh?

Are you gonna ask me what
you always did at boot camp?

What? You know,
about do I like you?

'Cause the answer's
yes. I really do.

I like you very much!
I really do, Sergeant!