Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 6 - Pay Day - full transcript

After being bawled out by Sgt Carter for not working hard enough Gomer decides not accept his pay for that week which causes all sorts of troubles for Sgt Carter.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

CARTER: Pyle!

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Hey, sir.

Pyle, you are a knucklehead,

you are a goof-off,
you are a goldbrick.

Have you ever heard that?

No, sir.

Wally, my boss back home,
used to call me a jabber, now,

and a mooncalf but
never the ones you said.

Then I'll say 'em again.

Knucklehead,
goof-off, and goldbrick.

Never heard those words
where I come from, Sergeant.

You must be from the
Midwest. Knock it off.

Pyle, I will tell you
what a goldbrick is.

A goldbrick is a person
who does not do his work,

who does not pull his load.

Pyle, you are a goldbrick.

No, sir, I... You have not done a
decent day's work all week, Pyle.

All week.

Yes, sir, ask anybody.

Hey, fellas... As you were.

Pyle, do you realize
you get paid a salary?

Do you realize you're accepting
money under false pretenses?

Pyle, you are stealing money.

Why, I never...
Stealing, stealing.

No, sir, even back home when
I worked at the fillin' station,

and I'd get a coin out of the
cash register for the pop machine,

I always left a note
saying, "Gomer owes."

Well, you better leave a
note for the US taxpayer

because that's who
pays your salary.

And he pays it no matter what.

His kid might go
without rollerskates,

but you get paid.

Well, that's just terrible.

It is when you goof
off and don't earn it.

And, Pyle, this week
you have not earned it.

All right, all you
people, listen up.

Pay call will be at
0800 in the duty hut.

You will report
there at that hour,

and you will not keep
the pay officer waiting.

Is that clear?

ALL: Yes, sir! As you were.

Pyle, how you can
accept that money

after the week you
put in, I'll never know.

Sir, Private Richard Helmsley.

Sign.

Thank you, sir.

Sir, Private Gomer Pyle.

Sign.

What are you doing, Private?

I'm returning some, sir. What?

Well, sir, I didn't work
hard enough last week,

so I oughtn't
to get paid for it.

I'm returning part
of my pay, sir, $10.

You're returning...

That money should
go to some taxpayer

to buy rollerskates
for his young'uns.

Yes. Thank you, sir.

That's a conscientious recruit.

Or he's a nut.

Don't spend that all
in one place, Gomer.

(LAUGHING) That's
a good one, Duke.

Excuse me, sir.

At ease, Pyle.

You gonna be real
proud of me, sir.

What?

I returned a whole week's pay,

and I feel a whole
lot better about it, too.

Why? Why did you do that?

You remember that there
fine speech you gave to me

about how I was stealing a
week's pay from the taxpayers?

Well, I got to thinkin' about
it, and I decided you was right.

So what I done, I just
returned a whole week's pay.

Feel real good about it, too.

You returned a week's
pay? Just gave it back?

Yes, sir. If it hadn't been for
you, I wouldn't have done it at all.

Sergeant, you
deserve all the credit.

I don't want any credit.

You don't, sir?

No, I don't know
what this is all about,

but I sure don't
want any credit.

You know something, sir?

You sure are
modest for a sergeant.

Yeah. I'm modest.

Now, get back to your quarters.

You know what my
grandma always said?

She said, "Modesty is one of the
kingly virtues in this whole world."

Move it! Move it! Move it!

Wait a minute. Let me
get this straight, Lieutenant.

One man didn't
take full pay, right?

That's right, sir. The
recruit's name's Gomer Pyle.

He had some crazy story
about not deserving it.

He just left it and ran off.

What? That's right, sir.

He said he didn't work
hard enough last week.

You kidding me?

No, sir.

Well, I never heard
of anything like this.

No, sir, neither have I.

Gomer Pyle, huh?

Yes, sir.

Well, he's either
very conscientious

or he's a nut.

Yes, sir.

Okay, we'll put it
through just like this.

Battalion will handle it.

What's a "Gomer Pyle" anyway?

It's a recruit, sir.

A recruit? What kind of a
recruit sends back money?

Well, I'm not sure, sir.

Darnedest thing I
ever heard of. Yes, sir.

You know what I think? I
think it's a publicity stunt.

Yes, sir, it could be. Yeah.

Some men will do anything
to get their name in the paper.

This... This Pyle
is probably an actor

who figures to make a fuss
and cash in on the publicity.

Gomer. Gomer?

Sounds like an actor's
name, doesn't it?

May I suggest, sir, we send
the money back down the line

to the original officer
who took the money

and have him
return it to this Pyle?

That way there won't be
any publicity on this level.

Good idea. Send it on back
down with my endorsements.

And I want a signed receipt to
make sure he receives the money.

Yes, sir. Ever hear
anything like this before?

No, sir. I can't
say as I have, sir.

Well, as I say,

he's probably an
actor after publicity

or he's a nut.

Good afternoon, Lieutenant.
You wanted to see me, sir?

Yes, I did. Gomer Pyle is
in your platoon, that right?

Yes, sir.

Did you know that Pyle returned
part of his pay this month?

He didn't.

Yes. He said he didn't earn it.

Where do you suppose
he got an idea like that?

I don't know, sir.

Is it possible he got
the idea from you?

Me, sir?

Yes, you know how a
recruit might misinterpret

an order he gets from his DI.

Well, it's possible

he might have misunderstood
something I said to him, sir.

Like what?

Well, I chewed him out for
not working hard enough.

I do that to all the men.

He's the first knucklehead that
ever insisted on returning money.

That's all it was, sir, just
a little misunderstanding.

It's gotten to be quite a big
misunderstanding, Sergeant.

It has, sir? It has.

I won't waste time. I want you to
get Pyle to take this money back.

As a matter of fact, I'd do
it within the next 36 hours.

I'll get him to
take it back, sir.

Oh, I'll get him
to take it back.

Sergeant, we need a
signed receipt from Pyle,

and he won't be able to do
that if he has a broken arm.

Pyle.

Hey, Sergeant, sir. You
like my paintin' work?

Ah, that's beautiful.

Did you sign your
name at the bottom of it?

Sign my name?

Oh, you mean like
them artist fellers do

whenever they paint a picture.

Oh, I got you now.

Hey, Sergeant, do you know
something? You're really witty.

(LAUGHING) Sign my name!

Well, before you
sign that, sign this.

What's that, sir?

Never mind. Just, uh, sign it.

Can I read it?

I doubt it.

All right, you
read it. Now sign it.

But, sir, this says I took
back that there week's pay.

That's right. Now, I don't
want any trouble over this.

Just sign it.

Well, I sure as heck don't want
to cause you any trouble, sir,

but I just couldn't take back
that there taxpayers' money.

Why not?

Well, it ain't my
money. I didn't earn it.

Well, never mind about that.

Right now, I want you
to take this money back

and sign this receipt.
Now, sign it, Pyle, sign it!

I just couldn't, sir.

Sign the paper, Pyle! Sign it!

But, sir... Now,
Pyle, you listen to me.

Look, Pyle, I can't
order you to sign this.

So what I'm doing is,

I'm asking you to
take the money back

and sign this receipt.

Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

All right, sign it.

But I couldn't take back
something that don't belong to me.

You was right about me not
earnin' that money. Right as rain.

That's the reason
I turned it back in.

Some poor taxpayer's young'un
having to do without his rollerskates.

Forget the rollerskates!
Sign it! Sign it!

I sure would like
to oblige, Sergeant,

but you know what's
gotten me in this situation?

What?

My grandma.

Grandma Pyle always used to say,

"A workman should
be worthy of his hire."

Bless her heart.

All right!

You'll sign it! You'll sign it!

You'll sign it. If it's the last
thing you'll do, you'll sign it.

(YELLING UNINTELLIGIBLY)

(SNORING)

(WHISPERING) Write your name.

Write your name.

Write your name.

(WHISPERING) Ten-hut!

As you were.

Do you know what I'd do?
I'd stick his head underwater,

and I wouldn't let him up
until he signed that receipt.

Or I might kill him and send
the money to his next of kin.

Or... Oh, will you just do
your work and let me think?

Okay.

Okay.

You got it, right? I got it.

You're gonna kill
him? No, listen.

I'll do it with a game.

Oh, you mean we're gonna play
a game, and the winner kills Pyle?

That's good... Listen, will you?

I'm gonna hold a raffle, and
the winner gets the money.

Now, guess who the
winner's gonna be?

Private Gomer Pyle.

How's he gonna win?

Oh, he'll win.

He'll win or I'll kill him.

Take a slip and get
inside for the drawing.

Take a slip. Take a slip.
Take a slip. Come on.

Excuse me, sir. What is it, sir?

Some silly thing dreamed
up by some morale officer

to keep you sissies happy.

Now, take a slip and
get inside. It's for a raffle.

Oh, what's the prize, sir?

The prize is in this envelope.
How do I know what's inside of it?

Take a slip and get inside and
don't ask so many stupid questions.

Yes, sir. Take a slip.

Take a slip.

All right. Take a slip.
Keep the line moving.

Take a slip. Hey, take a slip.

Take a slip.

CARTER: Take a slip. Oh, shoot.

I got number seven.
CARTER: Take a slip.

What are you complaining
about? Seven's a lucky number.

Not for me. Six was
always my lucky number.

I had a hog once, and I
entered him in a contest,

and he was number
six and he won.

Hey, Gomer, I got number
six. I'll swap with you.

No foolin'? Sure,
I'll take seven.

Hey, that's a good deal.

What do you guys think the
prize is gonna be? Beats me.

Ten-hut!

As you were.

All right, you people,

this is gonna be just
like a raffle back home.

Here are the matching numbers.

I'll draw a number from the helmet,
and the winner takes the prize.

And it's back to work once
this foolishness is over with.

Back home whenever
they had a raffle,

they always ask up an
impartial party to do the drawin'.

Pyle, are you accusing
me of not being impartial?

Gosh, no, sir.

I never knew what
impartial meant.

All right.

I don't like nobody
questioning my impartialness.

All right. Now for the drawing.

The lucky number is seven.

Hey. That's me, sir.

All right, Pyle, just sign the official
winner's form, and take the prize.

All right, Pyle. Sir...

Come on, Pyle, what are
you waiting for? Take the prize.

Sir, sir. What do you want?

Sir, I have the winning
number. You do not.

Didn't you say
number seven, sir?

Right. Pyle.

There it is, sir, number seven.

Pyle, what number have you got?

Six.

I had the winning number,
but I swapped with Duke.

I guess six is only
lucky for hogs.

Hogs?

Hogs.

Sir, a-about the prize,
what was the prize, sir?

Look, I was against
this from the beginning.

I don't think we have to
entertain a bunch of recruits.

Sir, but I just... No buts!

The next time somebody
comes up with this,

I'll tell them what I think
about this kind of idea.

Sir, I was just curious.
What was the prize?

One hundred pushups.
Do you want them?

No, sir. All right.

That sure is a curious
prize for a raffle.

They used to give away
a turkey or a TV set.

But 100 pushups?

Good afternoon, sir.

Hello, Carter. Just put
the receipt on my desk.

Just leave the
receipt, Sergeant.

It hasn't been signed, sir.

It hasn't?

No, sir.

Private Pyle refuses the money,
and I can't get him to take it.

Sir, regulations don't show where a
recruit can be forced to take money.

I... I looked everyplace
and I can't find anything.

I see. Uh... Got any
suggestions, Carter?

No, sir. I tried everything.

Okay, I guess the depot
commander can solve it.

General Wells?

That's right. I'm sending
this whole thing to him.

Oh, sir, I... I don't think
you have to do that.

No? I don't have much choice.

You know who's waiting for that
receipt, Sergeant? The Pentagon.

The Pentagon? That's right.

The Pentagon.

Carry on, Sergeant. Carry on.

The Pentagon.

Hi, Vince. So you
took care of it? Huh?

I mean, you went right to the top.
No horsing around with you, right?

What are you talking about?

Pyle. He got called up
to General Wells' office.

Pyle is with the General?
What do they want him for?

Well, don't you know?

Well, I didn't arrange it.

No?

Oh, that does it.

You know good and well, he'll tell
the General that whole stupid story

about how I got him
to turn back his pay.

You think he would?

Vince, you've been ordered to
report to General Wells on the double.

What did I tell you?

You know, you were right.

You told me to kill him.

I should have listened.
Now it's too late.

Yes, sir.

Right, sir.

(SCRUBBING)

RECEPTIONIST: Very good,
sir. I'll get on it right away.

Sergeant? Mmm?

Sergeant Carter, sir.

The General wants
you to go right in.

Yes, sir.

Right. Yes, it's all
been taken care of.

I have the recruit
working here now,

and I see his drill
instructor has just come in.

Oh, yes, General,
I'll tell him. Right.

Goodbye, sir.

Sergeant Carter
reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease, Sergeant.

That was Washington, Sergeant.

The Pentagon? The Pentagon.

How long have you had
those stripes, Sergeant?

It would have been...

It will be nine years
next month, sir.

Sergeant Carter, I'm gonna
make an example of you

for the benefit of every
noncom on this post.

Now, Private Pyle has told
me all about this pay incident,

and he laid the
responsibility directly on you.

He did?

Sergeant,

any man who can instill the
devotion and loyalty to the Corps

that you've instilled
in Private Pyle

deserves to be commended.

Well, sir, I can explain.

Sir, did the General say
commended or condemned?

Commended, Sergeant, commended.

When you get a boot
to return a week's pay

because his sergeant
told him he didn't earn it,

well, that's a
pretty big sacrifice.

The sergeant in question
must be a very good sergeant.

Well done, Sergeant.

Well, that's all. I just
wanted to let you know.

Yes, sir.

Sir.

Yes, Sergeant?

Begging the General's pardon,

but, sir, if the General is pleased
with Private Pyle's activities,

why is he being punished, sir?

Punished, Sergeant? Oh...
Oh, you mean the scrubbing?

Yes, sir.

That's not punishment, Sergeant.
That was Private Pyle's idea.

Sir?

Overtime.

You see, Gomer thought it
might be a good idea for him

to put in a few extra hours every
day and earn that money back.

Oh.

I think it was a fine
idea. Don't you?

That is a good idea. Yes,
sir, it's a very good idea.

That was Gomer's idea, sir?

That's right,
Sergeant. That's all.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, Sergeant.

Remember.

A workman should
be worthy of his hire.

Grandma Pyle.

Yes, sir.

So, how's the work, Pyle?

Oh, hey, Sergeant,
sir. I didn't see you.

Gee, don't you look slick.

You got on your
tie and everything.

Well, I just came from a
little meeting of all the DIs.

The General thought it'd be a
good idea if I gave a little talk

on how to instill
responsibility in the men.

Well, you're just the
one what can do it.

Well, uh...

Look, if, uh, you wanna
knock this off now, it's okay.

Shazam! You mean just quit?

That's right. Take
some time off.

Just don't let anybody see you
while you're standing around, huh?

Boy, that's great.
Let's see now.

Half a day at $73 a month...

What are you doing?

I was just trying to figure up
how much I'd have to give back

to the paymaster this
month for takin' a half day off.

Thirty days... Pyle!

Get back and clean these cans!

I want them clean! Do you
understand? Clean them! Get on it!

(YELLING)