Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 5 - Gomer Learns a Bully - full transcript

A trouble maker transfers into the platoon and decides to make Pyle his patsy, Gomer tries to handle it with understanding and kindness - but soon learns that bullies need to be stood up against.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYS)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Men, men, I just figured out why
the Marines sing on their way to battle.

Yeah, why's that?
ALL: Why's that?

Because after boot camp, any
kind of war is like a vacation.

Boy, you ain't kidding. GOMER: (IN
SOUTHERN ACCENT) Oh, it ain't all that bad.

That obstacle
course is good for us.

Oh, will you get a load of this?
Gomer likes the obstacle course.



(LAUGHTER)

Hey, Gome, what
happened to Hemsley?

Last time I seen him, he was bouncin'
on that log, goin' over the mud hole.

I wonder if he made it.

SLATER: Oh.

MAN: Oh, no, man.

He didn't make it.

Ho-ho-hold it, young man. There
seems to be a speck of dust on your lapel.

(LAUGHTER)

(WHOOPING) Don't let
it bother you, Hemsley.

At least this way, you
won't get sunburned.

Boy...

I don't know, after all
those John Wayne movies,

I thought we'd be just
walking around all day



in a sharp blue uniform,
with a girl on each arm.

A girl? Ha! They won't
even let us have a candy bar.

Gomer, if they gave you your
choice right now, a girl or a candy bar,

which one would you take?

What kind of candy bar?

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, brother.

(MEN LAUGHING) Listen
to those clowns in there.

How 'bout I go in and
chew 'em out real good?

Wait a minute!

Three times over
the obstacle course

and they still got strength enough to
laugh and feel good. Leave them alone.

That's a good group
of people in there.

Lots of spirit and
snap. I like that.

Now, Corporal,
they got possibilities.

That's a good group, a real
good group. MAN: Ten-hut!

This platoon is the sorriest
bunch of knuckleheads

I've ever had the
agony of working with!

If you don't start snapping
to it and shape up,

there ain't the
slightest possibility

that any of you will
even last a week!

You understand what I'm saying?

ALL: Yes, sir! What?

ALL: Yes, sir! I can't hear you!

ALL: Yes, sir!

All right.

Now, you people averaged
five and a half minutes

this afternoon on
the obstacle course!

That's not bad! Not bad at all.

For an old ladies'
knitting team!

But Marines do that
course in under four minutes!

So tomorrow you will
do it better and faster!

And Private Pyle,

good old, happy Private Pyle.

Is there something funny
about all this, Pyle? Is there?

Do you find the
obstacle course funny?

No, sir.

Then explain why you got a
big, stupid grin on your face

all the time you're running
the obstacle course!

Well, sir, it's... it's
kind of hard to explain.

Try.

Well, sir,

there I am doin' it,

and there all my buddies
are, they're doin' it, too. And...

We're just all
doin' it together.

I don't know.

That's it? That's
why you're grinning?

Yes, sir.

It's what the Marine guidebook
calls "esprit de corps."

That means spirit of the Corps.

I know what it means!

And it doesn't mean grinning when
you're working! When you work, you work!

And you don't grin on
my time! Is that clear?

Yes, sir. Will you
remember that?

Yes, sir. Grin after
lights out only. All right.

CARTER: Now, you
people listen up...

Sir, Private Harry
Phillips requests

permission to speak
to Drill Instructor, sir.

Get that cover off! Yes, sir.

Now, what do you want?

Sir, Private Harry Phillips

reporting as assigned
to Platoon 318.

You've been transferred
to this platoon?

Yes, sir.

All right, grab a rack.

Remember, tomorrow you will run
that obstacle course in four minutes flat!

And if you do it real nice,
I might even let you do it

with full field
packs on your back.

As you were! Sir...
What is it now?

Permission to get my
gear. It's in the duty hut, sir.

Move it!

Phillips guy, we
would have to get him.

You know him?

I know about him. I heard
he's a real troublemaker.

He's goofed up in
two platoons already.

Why don't we straighten
him out in advance, then?

Really lay down the law?

I don't want him fouling up this
platoon, it's too good a group.

Let's tell him.

CARTER: Wait a minute.

CARTER: Move it!

On second thought, let the
platoon straighten him out.

Huh?

It's better if they do it.
They gotta live with the guy.

After all, I'm not always around

to straighten out their
problems for them.

That's a good idea.

Yeah.

Do you know what that's called?

Strategy.

Hey, that there's my bunk.

Did you hear what he
said? That's his bunk.

I suspect I didn't make myself
clear. That there's my bunk.

Can't you get another one?

I suppose so, but I
picked this one out special.

On account of it's just
11 steps from the door.

Same as my bed in the
fillin' station back home.

You don't say?

Uh-huh. The other night, a car
honked its horn goin' down the highway.

Don't you know I heard
it, got up automatic,

walked them 11 steps
right out that door.

But this rack would do me nice.

You see, I had a bunk in the same
exact spot in the other barracks.

Is that a fact?

And now I'm in a strange place.

Well, you take it, then.
Shoot! I can find another.

Good.

Clean forgot my manners,
didn't introduce myself.

I'm Gomer Pyle. Heard the
Sergeant say you're Harry Phillips.

Alert, very alert.

You'll like this platoon, Harry.

It's a great bunch of guys.
Talk about "esprit de corps."

They really got it.

Might as well meet
some of 'em now.

Ah, this here's Duke.

And that's Vern Williams.

Vern here is a
natural-born athlete.

That there's Joey Lombardi.

His folks come all the
way from Naples, Italy.

That's an Italian place.

He talks it, too.

Hey, Joey, say
somethin' in Italian.

Ah, come on, Gome.

He taught me how to say "mamma
mia." That means "my mama."

Italians say that a lot.

How 'bout that.

Well, I guess I'd better
go make up my bunk.

Go ahead and meet some
of the other fellers, Harry.

Hey, Gomer, you didn't have
to give that creep your bunk.

Oh, I expect one's
as good as another.

Besides, him being new here,

we oughta do our best
to make him feel at home.

Why? Well, he is new here,

and I expect he's shy.

Hey, Pyle!

Shy, huh? He's pretty
pushy for a guy who's shy.

Oh, that's just his way. It's to
help him get over his bein' shy.

Huh? You see, some
folks who are shy

try to fool you into thinkin'
they ain't by makin' a lot of noise.

Now, that's a fact.

Gomer, you should've
been a psychiatrist.

A what?

A doctor who talks to
people about their problems.

Not me. I'm too shy.

You've got a real good
stroke there, Gomer.

Gosh! That's real
kind of you to say.

I've been watching.
It's really slick.

Shoot!

Raking's just
rakin', nothin' to it.

Not the way you do it.

Someday, when you get a chance,
you think you'd show me how?

I'll show you now, if you like.

Do you think you got time?

It's nothin' much but a reach
and pull, all sort of gradual-like.

Reach and pull, reach and pull.

Whenever you do it
smooth, it's less tirin'.

It sure is.

Or you can hum
under your breath.

Whenever I rake, I find myself
hummin' under my breath.

You know what
goes real good with it?

See, Saw Marjorie Daw. No!

Uh-huh. Watch.

♪ See, saw Marjorie Daw

♪ Jack shall have a new master

♪ He shall make
but a penny a day

♪ Because he can't
work any faster ♪

Good.

You can do other
songs with it, too.

Sometimes I do hymns,

like When the Roll
Is Called Up Yonder

or Beulah Land.

Uh-huh. Good idea.

Don't miss that
corner down there.

Sometimes when I'm
rakin', I squint my eyes,

and it's just like I was flyin'
in an airplane, real high,

over a field that's
just been plowed.

(IMITATING MOTOR)

You're right. It does.

(IMITATING MOTOR)

I think I'm catching on, Gomer.

(HUMMING) Hey,
that's it. You got it.

Do you call this area policed?

Well, do you?

No, sir.

Your orders were to
rake it, weren't they?

Yes, sir. Then why
didn't you rake it?

Any reason?

No, sir.

Since you've been saving your
strength, when you finish here,

you can move that
sand pile over there

to the other side of the
field, bucket by bucket!

Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

All right. Get busy.

The rest of you people,
secure the quarters!

ALL: Aye, aye, sir! MAN: Move.

♪ When the roll
is called up yonder

♪ When the roll
is called up yonder

♪ When the roll... ♪

(GRUNTING)

Hey, Joey.

Gomer, Gomer, you never learn.

You sure let
yourself get taken in.

You know what kind of a
crumb that Phillips guy is.

I mean, he got
you into this. Well...

I will admit he makes it kind
of hard to have faith in him,

but I say we give him
the benefit of the doubt.

Why, Gomer? What for?

Well, there's just some
people that you can't give up on.

Like this feller back
home, Lemuel Spurgian.

Well, he was real mean,
and he done ugly things,

and everybody had give
up on him, except his mama.

Then he done
this real bad thing,

and they sent him off to prison.

But his mama still
had faith in him.

But while he was in prison,
he decided he'd take up a trade.

And do you know somethin'?

Today,

Lemuel Spurgian is one of the finest
cabinetmakers in the state penitentiary.

All because his
mama had faith in him.

Same with Harry
Phillips, he may turn out.

Yeah, but in the meantime, buddy,
you don't have to be his patsy.

He's playing you for a sucker.

Shh! Here he comes now, Joey.

Ignore him. Don't let him
put any more over on you.

Why don't I just ask him if he's
tryin' to make a sucker out of me?

Gomer, you
can't... Hey, Harry...

Well, Gomer, are
you working hard?

There's somethin'
I want to ask you,

and I want you
to tell me the truth.

Are you tryin' to make
a sucker out of me?

Huh?

Some of the fellers in the platoon,
and I ain't mentionin' no names,

claim that that's what you're
tryin' to do, is play me for a sucker.

Are you? Well, what if I am?

Huh?

I mean, somebody's gotta be the
patsy. So, why shouldn't it be you?

Does that answer your question?

Okay, now you heard
him. Now you know!

Look, there's only one way you're
gonna get that jerk off your back.

The next time he tries to pull
something on you, let him have it good!

Right in the la panza.
You mean fight him?

Well, you're not gonna keep
taking that stuff from him, are you?

Yeah, but fightin'... Yes!
Let him have it good!

Believe me, Gomer!

(GROANS IN EXASPERATION)

♪ ...snow of
far-off northern lands

♪ To the sunny tropic scenes

♪ You will always
find us on the job

♪ The United States Marines ♪

Hey, y'all know what that is?

It's the second verse to the Marines'
Hymn. Not too many folks know it.

Hey, you wanna learn it? It won't
take me but a minute to teach it to you.

MEN: (GROANING)
No. MAN: Knock it off.

MAN 2: Try something
else, will you?

Oh, we're a bunch of
crab apples this mornin'.

Gomer, look, the
guys are a little tired,

you know, from
the obstacle course.

You'll teach them
another time, okay, buddy?

Okay, but it's a nice
verse. Mmm-hmm.

♪ Our flag's unfurled... ♪

Yeah, yeah. Sounds
swell, Gome. Sounds swell.

Hey, Harry, that's
my bunk you're on.

I know, Gomer. I
didn't think you'd mind.

But you ain't supposed
to be on 'em durin' the day.

I know. That's why
I picked this one.

It's further from
the front door.

Come on, Harry! Get off!

Okay, in a minute.

You heard him, get off.

Why, are you gonna make me?

Yeah. I might.

You're gonna do
something about it?

Yeah. I am.

Now, Joey, don't...
Look out, Gomer.

MAN: Ten-hut!

Average time on
the obstacle course,

five and a half minutes!

That equals the record...
Set by Grandma Moses!

Now, this afternoon we will have
bayonet drill with the pugil sticks!

And this platoon will...

Whose rack is this?

Mine, sir.

This rack looks like
somebody's been on it!

Yes, sir. It does, sir.

You've been taking yourself a
little midmorning siesta, Pyle?

No, sir.

Well, it looks that way!

You know the rule about getting
on your rack during the day?

Yes, sir.

Straighten it!

And since you got
yourself a little rest,

I guess you feel up
to a little extra duty?

So, you can move that sand pile
again tonight after chow! Is that clear?

Yes, sir.

As you were!

Gomer, why didn't you tell the
Sergeant it wasn't you in the rack?

Why didn't you tell him
it was that creep here?

I oughta belt you for that!

Wait a minute! I
can take care of this.

I don't need nobody
to fight my fights for me.

Harry, I want you
to come outside.

What?

I'm invitin' you to
step outside with me.

ALL: Attaboy, Gomer!

Come on, Harry.

Are you sure you know
what you're doing, country?

I know.

ALL: Get him, Gomer!

Hey, hey, hey, you guys,
stay in here! Leave 'em alone.

Just the two of them between
the huts won't attract any attention.

How 'bout that Gomer, huh? He
finally had enough of that creep.

Well, there's just so much a guy can
take from a rat like Phillips. Even Gomer.

Yeah. The window.

Come on.

(MEN CHANTING IN DISTANCE)

Do you think Gomer can take
him? Sure. I know the type.

He don't rile easy, but when he
blows, look out. Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Well, this is a good
a place as any.

Would you step a touch closer?

This is close enough.

Well, I don't want the
fellers inside to hear.

Hear what?

What I got to say. That's the
reason I asked you to step out here.

I thought it'd be more
private-like to talk.

I didn't want to embarrass you by
sayin' this in front of the other fellers.

But, Harry, to be
out and out with it,

there are them
here that don't think

that you've been behavin'
yourself too attractively.

Now, you may have the
best reason in the world

for bein' so contrary
since you come here.

Whether it was the
haircut or the tight shoes

or whether it's
the world situation

or a lumpy pillow
you've been sleepin' on.

The fact remains is you
got to change your ways.

Now, a smart feller like you
oughta be able to figure that out.

But mainly, the thing
I wanted to say is,

there's still a
bright side to this.

You can make up for everything.

One, you got to start
doin' your own chores.

Two, you got to quit
lyin' on other folks' bunks.

Three, you got to stop
pickin' fights with little Joey.

And let me see if
there's a fourth one.

No. Well, anyway,

just behave yourself
more attractively.

Well, that's all.

Wait a minute! You
asked me out here to talk?

Yeah, would you like
me to go over 'em again?

One... No, no. I got it.

Good. Believe me, I don't
like this any more than you do,

but it was bound to come
to this sooner or later.

Why, things was gettin' so bad,

we was about to lose
our "esprit de corps."

Do you know what that means?

I do!

(LAUGHING)

Gomer, I gotta admit
it. I can't figure you out.

I don't know what you're
more of, dumb or chicken.

(LAUGHING)

He asked him
out for a little talk.

My strategy didn't work.

Oh, that was the strategy?

That's right. I knew Pyle
didn't mess up his bunk.

I knew it was
that guy, Phillips.

I figured if I gigged him for it,
then he'd finally stand up to Phillips.

That's strategy.

But it didn't work.

I know, I know!
I just said that!

Wait a minute...

I know why he didn't fight.

Pyle is a book recruit.

He didn't want to go
against regulations.

I can set his mind easy
on that. Go get him.

You can't tell one
recruit to fight another.

I'm not gonna tell
him to fight him!

I'm going to do it another way.

Strategy.

Pyle, I've been noticing this
thing between you and Phillips,

and I don't like it one bit.

But I ain't got time to play
nursemaid to all you people.

Now, some of these things
you gotta take care of yourself.

You understand?

Yes, sir.

Good.

Now, for the most part, the Corps
takes a dim view of recruits brawling

and settling their problems
among themselves.

But there are times
when I am not around.

Do I have to say any more?

No, sir.

I'll remember what you said.

I promise there won't be no
fightin' of any sort whatever.

How's that?

Well, sir, I'm
ashamed to say this,

but you got me here
right in the nick of time.

That feller had me so riled
up from the talk we had,

I'd most likely be tanglin'
with him right this minute

if you hadn't set me straight.

You mean you were
going to... What's more,

I'll make sure that none the other
fellers lay a hand on him, neither.

You and my daddy
say the same thing.

There ain't one fight in a
million that accomplishes nothin'.

I'll remember, sir.

All right, Pyle.

All right, just go.

Sir, did I say somethin' wrong?

Just go! Go! Go! Go!

I did somethin' wrong. Mmm!

Well, your strategy
didn't work again.

You, shut up!

CARTER: What that
knucklehead doesn't understand is,

he'd be doing Phillips a favor!

BOYLE: How do you figure?

CARTER: A guy like
Phillips has got to get it

drilled into him that nobody
but nobody is gonna be his patsy!

Once he finds that out, he'll
settle down and be a good recruit.

He'll solve a problem for
himself and for the whole platoon.

CARTER: Right now, Pyle's
the only one that can do that.

CARTER: You people will now pair up for
bayonet fighting using the pugil sticks!

This pugil stick
represents your rifle!

The end with the stripe
on it is the bayonet!

The plain end is
the butt of your rifle.

Now remember, from
the on-guard position,

you can make five
attack movements!

Corporal...

The slash! Hut!

The jab! Hut!

The vertical butt stroke! Hut!

The horizontal butt stroke! Hut!

The smash! Ha-hut!

Thank you, Corporal.

Now, first two people!

Phillips...

And...

Sergeant, may I?

Not now, Pyle. Please, sir.

Are you sure, Pyle?

Don't you wanna
observe a little first?

No, sir. I know what I'm doin'.

I want to. I really want to.

All right.

Suit up.

Now, you people remember,

there are five attack movements

you can make from
the on-guard position.

The slash, the jab,

the vertical butt stroke, the
horizontal butt stroke, and the smash!

Is that clear? ALL: Yes, sir!

All right! You two men ready?

All right, move
back, give them room.

En garde!

(MEN CLAMORING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

MAN: Watch out for
him, Gomer! Watch out!

MAN: He hits hard!

ALL: Come on, Gomer!

MAN 1: Don't let him hit
you! MAN 2:Watch out!

(CHEERING)

Thataway, baby! Go, Gomer!

I'm doin' this for
your own good, Harry.

(HEAVING)

MAN 3: Come on, Gomer!
MAN 4: Come on, Gomer!

(MEN CHEERING)

MAN: Come on, Gomer!

MAN 3: That's it!

(CHEERING)

Like I said, Harry, I'm
doin' this for your own good.

It'll make you a better recruit.

(GROANING)

MAN 3: Come on, Gomer!

MAN 4: Get him, Gomer!

(CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

MAN 1: All right,
Gomer. Nice going.

MAN 4: Good going.

CARTER: All right,
Phillips, you've had it.

Okay, Lombardi, let's
see how you make out.

MAN 1: Watch him, Joey.

CARTER: En garde!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)
GOMER: Hey, Joey.

Gomer! Get outta here!

I don't get it, Pyle.

How come you can
knock that Phillips flat,

and yet you can't even
handle that little Lombardi guy?

Well, sir, you see,

the big feller needed a
lesson, and the little feller didn't.

Hey, Harry.

Just wanted to tell you I'm
sorry about that bayonet practice.

The fact is... Ah, shut up.

What are you doing,
Pyle, daydreaming?

What's the matter with you?

Sir, can I ask you a question?

What is it?

Well, wasn't it your belief that once
Harry Phillips got himself knocked down

a few times, he'd be a
better recruit? That's right.

And once that was accomplished,
why, it'd solve things around here

more or less? That's right.

Well, sir, if you don't
mind my sayin' so,

it ain't solved nothin'. Harry
Phillips is still as mean as he can be.

Ah, you're wrong, Pyle.
It did solve something.

Sir?

For one thing, he's being
transferred to another platoon.

As for making
him a better recruit,

well, one knock on one
afternoon ain't gonna do it.

But if somebody else
in his next platoon

can take up where you left off,
and somebody else after him...

Well, who knows?

He might even get "esprit
de corps," mightn't he?

That's right.

He might even get
the "esprit de corps."