Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 28 - Sergeant of the Guard - full transcript

Gomer is a look-out for burglars robbing the base.


Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

And left, hut, left!

And left.

Detail, halt!

Left face!

At ease!

do you mind if I ask you a question?


That's your privilege.
After all, you don't know

whether the question I'm
gonna ask is that important or not,

so I respect your decision.

All right, Pyle, what
is the question?

Well, if you'd rather I didn't
ask it, Sergeant, why, I'd just...

Pyle, what's the question?

Well, I was just gonna ask
how long we was gonna be here,

for kind of a personal reason.

Just what is the
personal reason?

Well, you see, I got
this rock in my shoe,

and on the way
over here, I figured

it'd take me about
a minute to get it out.

So, if we wasn't gonna
be here that long, I couldn't.

Pyle, don't you know
you're standing at ease,

which means you
keep one foot in place?

Yes, sir. I can
stand on one foot,

and raise the other
one up like this,

and that's the reason it'll
take me at least a minute.

I got real good at this back
home by watchin' whoopin' cranes.

They can stand
like this all day.

Pyle, I don't know how long we're
gonna be here, they didn't tell me.

But for right now, you
sit down on the deck,

take the stone out of your
shoe, put your shoe back on,

get up, then stand
there like a Marine,

and not like a whooping crane!

GOMER: Yes, sir,
Sergeant, and thank you.


Come in.

Sergeant Carter
reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease, Sergeant.
Your detail outside?

Eight men from
my platoon. Yes, sir.

Sergeant, you and your men are pulling
guard duty tonight at Warehouse 12.

Your ammo will be issued here.

Guard duty, sir? Guard duty.

You weren't notified in advance

because we're invoking
security precautions.

A gang has been working our
warehouses almost every night.

Did you know that,
Sargeant? No, sir.

They never use the
same method twice.

They've taken electronic gear,

other equipment worth thousands.

Now, just in case they
have a man inside the base,

we don't want them to know
who our guard detail will be.

Yes, sir.

Do you have good men, Sergeant?

With me since boot camp, sir.

They've got your
stamp on them, huh?

Yes, sir. Good.

The CID is working on this,

but in the Corps, we... we
count on the men in the field.

You'll be officer of
the day, sir? Right.

But I don't mind
telling you, Sergeant,

that the, uh, ones
who pull in this gang

will be up for a commendation.

Yes, sir. You can
count on us, sir.

On the other hand,

if some goofball on guard duty

should let those crooks get away
with any more government property,

very unpleasant
things will happen.

Is that clear?

Uh, yes, sir. It's very
clear, sir. Yes, sir.

I can't emphasize strongly enough
the importance of the whole operation.

Now, I would assume that
the most important guard posts

would be four, five and six.


Uh, yes, sir.
Four, five and six.

But since we have no previous
pattern of operation for this gang,

it's vital that every man
on every post be on his toes

from the minute he's assigned
to the minute he's relieved.

We keep that in mind,
I think we're home free.

What's your 7th General Order?

My 7th General Order is, "To
talk to no one except in line of duty."

Your 4th General Order!

My 4th General Order is,

"To report all calls more distant
from the guard house than my own."

Your 9th General Order! Well...

Pyle, do you or do you not
know your 9th General Order?

Oh, yeah, Sergeant, I even
know that one backwards.

My 9th General Order is,

"To call the
corporal of the guard

"in any case not
covered by instructions."

Okay. Now you wanna
hear it backwards?

"Instructions by covered not..."

Knock it off!

Anyway, I'm to call the
corporal of the guard.

Do you wanna
hear how I call him?

"Corporal of the
guard, post number 4!"

That's if I've got post number
4. If I got post number 3, I say,

"Corporal of the
guard..." Knock it off!

Pyle, there will be no
corporal of the guard.

There will be a
sergeant of the guard,

and I will be that sergeant.



I will be checking on you

every minute you're
walking your post.

That's real friendly
of you, Sergeant.

That's not being friendly!

Well, sure it is. It gets
mighty lonesome out there

walkin' back and forth
all hours of the night.

Your General Orders do not take
into account your getting lonesome.

It's scary, too. Pyle,

you're not a Cub Scout
going on an overnight hike.

You are a Marine!

And that's all due
to you, too, Sergeant.

All right, you people,
listen up and listen good!

You are going to be
on your toes tonight

because a gang of thieves

has been making off
with Marine property,

and they may
keep right on trying!

So challenge everyone!

No matter what they
tell you, don't believe it!

Call me and keep
them there until I come!

Is that clear?

ALL: Yes, Sergeant!
All right, now,

we're gonna be
guarding Warehouse 12.

That's a natural target.
Electronic equipment.

Now, we don't know
how this bunch operates

because they never
do the same thing twice.

So, anything suspicious,
and I wanna hear it from you!

Anything you see, hear, smell,

and cannot identify,

and I wanna hear it from you!

Now, what do I wanna hear?

ALL: Sergeant of
the guard! Again!

ALL: Sergeant of the
guard! I can't hear you!

Sergeant of the guard!
Sergeant of the guard!

Sergeant of the guard!
Sergeant of the guard!

Halt! Who's there?

Gomer, that's five times
you've challenged me

just because I'm
walking the next post.

Sergeant Carter said
to challenge everybody.

But I told you, I'm just
walking the next post.

Sergeant Carter said not to
believe anything they told you.

Oh, boy. So if I tell you I'm walking
the next post, you shouldn't believe me?

That's right. Even if I tell you my
name you shouldn't believe me?

Maybe you ought not tell me.

Duke, I know it's you.

It's just that I've got to keep
on practicin' that challenge.

You're really playing cops
and robbers, aren't you?

Look, nothing's gonna happen.

Who's gonna try and break into a
warehouse with guards all around?

I don't know, but I'm
always keepin' on the alert.

Yeah, sure.

That bunch is clever, and I
ain't gonna let them outsmart me.

I got good eyesight
and a loud voice.

So, anything that I see,

I'm gonna yell for
Sergeant Carter.

You do that.

Uh, are you gonna challenge
me the next time we meet here?

I might. Oh, brother.

Halt! Who's there?

Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

DUKE: Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

Well, what is it, Pyle?
What is it? What did you see?

I don't rightly know. Something moved
over that way that I couldn't identify,

and my instructions
was anything that...

Yeah, yeah. O-Over there?

Yes, sir. Come on.



Pyle, don't you know a
cat when you see one?

Oh, yes, sir. I can
tell a cat real good.

Trouble is, I
didn't see this cat.

I just heard a sound.

Why, it could have been
them robbers makin' cat noises.


Back home, we
had this cat burglar,

and he used to crawl
into people's houses

and go "Meow, meow..."


Anyways, my
instructions was that...

I know what your
instructions were,

and I didn't say
anything about cats!

Carry on!

Yes, sir, Sergeant!
Don't you worry.

I'm keepin' always on the alert!

Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

DUKE: Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5.

What is it, Pyle? What is it?

I don't rightly know, Sergeant.

What do you mean you don't
know? It's not another cat, is it?

It's more like
a rabbit, I think.

A rabbit?

I never did see it, but it give
off kind of a hippity-hop sound.

You mean you're just standing
out here in the middle of the night

yelling over a rabbit?

I didn't want that gang
of thieves to outsmart me

by making rabbit noises
and trickin' me into thinkin'

that they was bunny rabbits,

so I didn't think at
all, I just called you.

Pyle, if a gang of bunny
rabbits is robbing this warehouse,

I do not want to hear about it!

And that goes for cats
and mice and chipmunks.

They are not my problem!

When you see something
walking on two legs,

then I want to hear about it!

Until then, I don't want to
hear another word! Is that clear?

That's clear enough,
Sergeant. Fine!

Rabbits and cats and
mice, they ain't too bad,

but chipmunks, now
them, they... Knock it off!

Get back on your post! Yes, sir.


Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

DUKE: Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

Not you again, Pyle.

But I really seen somethin'
this time, Sergeant.

With two legs, too. Where?

Over there against the
warehouse, movin' around.

Hey, now there's two of them.

Do you know what
that is, Pyle? Do you?

It's your shadow!

My shadow? It's your shadow!

Now, get back on your post!

Golly, it's funny
how that fooled me.

I'm sorry, Sergeant.

Pyle, what are you doing?

Makin' a giraffe. Don't
that look just like a giraffe?

I've already seen a jackass,

and if I hear one more
word out of you tonight

you'll be a dead duck!
Now get back on your post!

Yes, sir.

Just turn around real slow-like.

Oh, good work, sentry. I
didn't even hear you coming.

You better put up
your hands, too.

I'm Johnson. Criminal
Investigation Department.

My identification's
in my pocket.

Yes, sir. That very
well may be the case.

Aren't you gonna
let me show it to you?

No, sir. Why not?

Orders from my
Sergeant. Sergeant Carter.

He told me if anybody told
me anything, not to believe 'em.

So I'll just hold you
here till he comes.

That's good practice. Very good.

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Aren't you gonna call him?

No, sir, I got orders
from my Sergeant not to.

What kind of an order is that?

Oh, he's right.

See, I called him out for a
rabbit, and a cat, and a shadow.

After that, he just didn't
want to hear from me.

What are we supposed
to do, stand here all night?

Well, he didn't give
me no orders about that.

So I guess that's what we'll do.

Look, Private...
Private Gomer Pyle, sir.

Look, Pyle,

even if you won't look
at my identification,

what do you think I am?

Oh, I got strict
orders not to think.

'Cause if you was a member
of that warehouse gang,

why, you could
outthink me real easy.

So the smart thing for me to do
is just to make my mind a blank.

You don't have
any trouble there.

No, sir, that comes real easy.

Private, how would it be if I
called the sergeant of the guard?

Now, that's a real good idea.

Why didn't I think of that?

Your mind's a blank.

Sergeant of...

I feel like a fool.

Sergeant of the guard, post...

What post is this?
Post number 5.

Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

Sergeant of the
guard, post number 5!

DUKE: Sergeant of the guard...

Be sure and tell him it was you
that called when he gets here.

He'd get mighty irritated
if he knew it was me.

I'll tell him, all right.

Sergeant of the guard!

He may not come.

Maybe you should
have said post number 4.


On account of he said he wasn't
comin' back to post number 5 anymore.

did I tell you to...

Who's that?

He says he's a
CID man, Sergeant.

I've got my identification
in my pocket, Sergeant.

Well, didn't you check it?

No, sir. You told me not to
believe anything anybody told me.

Sorry, sir.

Can I take my hands down now?

After 10 minutes,
the circulation cuts off.

Uh, of course, sir.

Why didn't you call me sooner?

Well, you said not to.

Well, never mind what
I said. Use your head!

That's just what you
warned me against, Sergeant.

He didn't call you at
all, Carter, I had to.

Why didn't you call me? What
kind of a knucklehead thing is that?

Did you give orders to this
man not to call you, Carter?

well, in a way I did, sir.

What kind of a
knucklehead order is that?

Well, it's a kind of

a knucklehead
kind of order, sir.

You are right. It will
be reported as such.

Yes, sir.

Halt! Who is there?

Sentry, Captain.

Halt! Who is there?

Captain Danville, Private.
Here's my warehouse requisition.

"To all personnel.


Rush shipment.

Well, I don't know
much about requisitions,

but this sure looks
like a good one.

Good. I'd appreciate it very
much if you help my men load.

Be glad to, sir.

So far, so good, Jo-Jo.

Don't call me Jo-Jo.
I'm a captain now.

Congratulations, Captain.

Now get in there and help them
load. Maybe you'll make PFC.

I could use the
money. Hey, remember,

if the CID show up, no shooting.

First sign of trouble,
I whistle, we cut out.

You think that's in the finest
tradition of the Marine Corps?

Get in there and help that
stupid sentry load, will you?

Aye, aye, Captain.




Hey, Sergeant!

Pyle, what is this? Why
aren't you walking your post?

Well, it said "All
personnel to expedite,"

and I'm personnel.

What are you talking about?

I didn't hear nothing about a loading
requisition! Who was this, anyway?

Well, there's this captain
with this requisition

that says to expedite,
so I'm expeditin',

and it said to
rush, so I'm rushin'.

What are you talking
about? Who was this captain?

Pyle, what is this? What do
you mean you're expediting?

Just that, Sergeant.

This captain come along
and told me to expedite.

Captain? What captain?

Did it occur to you
to ask questions?

Well, yeah, there was one
question I was gonna ask him,

so I'll ask you. Huh?

What does "expedite" mean?

It means doing what
you're doing right now

instead of walking guard duty.

Pyle, why didn't you call me?

Well, you're gonna
think this is silly.

I'm sure of it.

Well, I just didn't want to
be a burden to you anymore.

What? Well,

every time the least little
old bitty thing happened,

I was yellin', "Sergeant of the
guard! Sergeant of the guard!"

And you was probably thinkin',

"Lord, that boy can't even
stand on his own two feet."

And you do want me to
stand on my own two feet...


Forget the rest of this stuff. The
CID jeep is due by here any minute.

Makes the rounds every hour.

Let's close the truck gates
and get out of here. Right.

Where is this captain?
I wanna talk to him!

Well, he was...

Let's go.

We're movin'!




Those were shots!

Sure sounded like it.

Pyle, do you realize
what's happening?

We accidentally got ourselves
locked in the back of this truck

while they spotted that gang
of crooks somewheres else!


They're shootin' at us!


That's all right, Sergeant,
we're shootin' back.

Pyle, you knucklehead, those
people up in front are crooks!

I thought they was Marines!

They're not Marines. That's
the gang we've been after!

I knew it, I knew it! I knew
you'd get yourself taken!


I'm sorry, Sergeant, but
they had on Marine uniforms,

and they had this requisition,
it said to "Expedite."

They tricked me.

All right. They don't seem
to know we're back here.

Do you think we
ought to let 'em know?

We don't want 'em to know.

Now look, here's what we'll do.

They got to be getting back
to their hide-out any minute,

and when they do...
Where's your rifle?

Golly, I left it leanin'
up against the wall.

That's a great place for it.

Well, I'm sorry, Sergeant,
but I couldn't carry my rifle

and expedite all
at the same time.

All right, listen up.

Now the odds are against
us, so follow orders exactly.

I'm listenin' as hard as I can.

Now we got to figure out a way to
get them in the back of this truck.

Get 'em back here? That's right.

The only thing
that'll work is a trap.

There are three of
them and two of us,

and all we got is a
pistol and no rifle.

As soon as we get
'em trapped back here,

then we'll drive 'em
back to the base.

Well, how are we gonna do that?

Well, as soon as we stop, I'll get
on the left side of the door and you...

Hold on!



Sergeant Carter,
I think we're here.

Okay, let's get
this thing unloaded.


Bet you all didn't
know I was in here.

Come on, come on!
Get down out of there!

Didn't you see him in that truck
before you slammed the doors?

Who had time to look?

What are we gonna do with him?

Guess you wouldn't want
to drive me back to the base.

I could catch a bus.

I'm about out of suggestions.

Well, don't you worry.
We'll think of something.

You guys get in there and
unload. I'll keep an eye on him.

Oh, I... I'll unload it for you.

After all, I loaded it up.

All right, go ahead, unload.

Glad to help out.




It sure would be
helpful if you'd wake up.


would you mind greatly
if I took your gun?

Hey! Who are you
talkin' to in there?


I was talkin' to my
sergeant, and he's hurt.

Are you kidding us?

No, you all better come in here and
help me carry him out. He's hurt bad.

Go ahead take a look.
I'll keep an eye on him.

All right, watch out.

If this is some sort of a gag...

MAN: Hey, there is somebody
in here, and it's a sergeant.

What? Yeah, and he's out cold.


I'd appreciate it if
you'd get in there.

You see, this is a trap.


Hey, what are you
guys doing here?

Private Pyle reportin', sir.
Where have you been, Pyle?

What happened?
Where's Sergeant Carter?

He's in the truck with
the warehouse gang.

He captured them?
Yes, sir, it was a trap.

Wait till you hear. Great
work. Open up the truck.

Cover them, men.

All right, come on down
there with your hands up high!

Where's Sergeant
Carter? Sergeant!

Sergeant Carter?

Good work, Sergeant!
I said good work.

I don't know how you managed
it, but you did a great job!

Turned out just like you
planned, Sergeant Carter.

It was Sergeant Carter's idea

to trap the crooks in
the back of the truck.

And it turned out just that way.

I think we ought to
hear it for the Sergeant.

That's not all, there will be
that commendation I mentioned.

Yes, sir. Good going, Sergeant.

And you got a good
man here with you.

All right, get 'em inside!

Yes, sir. I... I got
a good man here.

Now, for you men
relatively new in the Corps,

there's a lesson in what
happened last night.

Sergeant Carter here has
had 14 years as a Marine.

Fourteen years of
training, conditioning.

He probably could have fought
those men for their weapons,

and engaged in a
bloody gun battle

but he elected to pursue
a sensible approach

and bring in the thieves
without firing a shot.

His trapping of the gang
in the back of that truck

was a masterpiece of strategy.

Sergeant? Y-Yes, sir?

Once again, well done.

Now dismiss your men.

Aye, aye, sir.

Detail, ten-hut!



Yes, Sergeant?

Come here.

Did you wanna tell me somethin'?

No. I want you to tell
me something. Huh?

Tell me what happened. Start at the
beginning, don't leave anything out.

Well, from the beginning,

there was this feller
that come along

dressed as a Marine
Captain with this requisition...