Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 24 - Gomer Makes the Honor Guard - full transcript

Carter may have to use Gomer as an honor guard since he owns a blue dress uniform.

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Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

COLONEL: "It will be the
first official visit to this country

"by the Princess Sanakawa.

"And she will be the guest of
various military installations,

"among them, the local Marine
base at Camp Henderson."

Now, what has all this got
to do with you, Sergeant?

The Princess will be here
at the end of the week.

We're going to
need an honor guard,

and since you have the highest
ranking platoon at this time,

I've decided we pick our honor
guard from among your men.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

There are enough
men in your outfit

who own dress blue
uniforms for the occasion?

Yes, sir. I'm sure of it.

Of course.

I'm sure your men have
enough pride to want to own a set.

Yes, sir. Good.

I want you to pick
four of your best men,

straight, sharp, and all-Marine.

Aye, aye, sir.

With a platoon like yours,
you probably can vouch

for every single man
in your outfit. Yes, sir.

I can vouch for every
single man in my outfit.


That is, I can vouch

for almost every
single man in my outfit.

DUKE: Tails, heads,
tails... and tails.

And thank you
for the contribution.

Any more suckers?

Golly, Duke, you sure are lucky.

Where'd you get all that luck?

You must eat a whole lot of
chickpeas on New Year's Eve.

Well, it's not only luck, Gomer.

It's luck, good looks,
intelligence, charm...

Let me see, have I left
anything out? Oh, yes, modesty.

I don't know about them other
things, but you sure are lucky.

I'll take you on,
Duke. Gladly, Larry.

Are you ready? Shake
'em up. Yeah. Got 'em.

All right. Ready? Yeah.

Here we go.

Heads, tails...


tails, heads, tails. More?


Okay, shake 'em up.

Ready? Yeah.

Heads, tails,

heads, heads,

tails, tails.

Suddenly not so
lucky, huh, Duke?

Hold on, what's happening here?

How you doin', Mr. Lucky?

Not so good, all of a sudden.

Put 'em up again,
Larry. All right.

Shake 'em up.

Ready? Yeah.

Tails, tails, and heads.

Not so good? That ain't bad.

Golly, you got lady luck smilin' at
you all the time, hadn't you, Duke?

Let's go again. Sure.

Shake 'em up.

You ready? Yeah.

Heads... Uh-uh. Tails, heads,


tails and heads.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.


What? Come here a minute, buddy.

What do you want? Come here.

Stand right here.

Get 'em up again, Larry.

Get 'em up. All right.

Heads, tails,

tails, tails, and heads.

That's it.

What's it? You, Gomer.
You're my good-luck piece.

I'm your what?

You move away, I lose.
You stand by my side, I win.

You're my good-luck
charm. How about that!

Oh, go on, Duke. I'm
not kidding, Gomer.

I don't know what it is, but you give
off sparks. Vibrations come out of you.


You reckon it's that new
deodorant I've been usin'?

C'mon, guys,
Sergeant's on his way!


I don't know what it is, but there's
a peculiar atmosphere in here!

Could be me, Sergeant.
We was just talkin' about it.

Forget it!

All right! Listen up!

Now, battalion headquarters
wants an honor guard

to meet a special
guest this week.

How many of you jokers
have got dress blues? Hands!

That's it?

You're kidding!
Just three of you?

I gotta have four men, and
they gotta have dress blues!

Sergeant... Morrison, don't
you have a set of dress blues?

Sorry, Sarge. Uh, I
ordered a set some time ago

but I hadn't been able to
get the money to pick 'em up.

Boy, this is beautiful,
just beautiful.

Now I gotta go back
to the Colonel and say,

"Sorry, sir, we can't
make up the honor guard.

"We don't have a thing
to wear!" Sergeant...

I know they're optional,

you don't have to buy
a dress blue uniform,

but you'd think you'd have
enough pride to want to own a set!

Sergeant... Do you knuckleheads
know what an honor this is

to be picked for an honor
guard? Huh, do you?

And we can't take it because only
three of you have got dress blues!

Sergeant... Well, you'd
think with all the money

you spend on dames
a-and gambling

and... and... and
materialistic stuff,

you'd think you could
set aside 45 bucks, huh?

A measly 45 bucks
for a set of dress blues!

Sergeant... Boy,
this is humiliating!

It's... It's... It's
downright humiliating!

Sergeant... Pyle, what is it?

I'm gettin' a set of
them there dress blues.


I've already got 'em
ordered and everything.

I've saved all my money and I'm
supposed to pick 'em up Saturday mornin'.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!


So, you've got your
four men now, Sergeant.

This is your lucky day.

Pyle, knock it off! It's
not just the dress blues!

You gotta be sharp
on your manual of arms!

And I've got a hunch that you are
not sharp on your manual of arms!

So forget it,
Pyle! Just forget it!

Watch this, Sergeant.


Port arms!

Order arms!

Inspection arms!

I... I was just
cleanin' it, Sergeant.

That won't happen again,

I guarantee you that.

Don't you worry about
a thing, Sergeant.

It's gonna be all right.

Morrison, are you sure you
can't get that set of dress blues?

I'm sure, Sarge. I'm broke!

W-Well, can't you get
some money somewhere?

Can't you put your hands on $45?

I sure doubt it.



I wonder what causes that?

Sarge, you're gonna
wear yourself out. Relax.

Relax! Relax, he says!

There's a princess comin'
to this base on Saturday,

and meeting her will
be an honor guard

including one
Private Gomer Pyle,

who's liable to pull the bolt out
of his rifle or drop it altogether!

He might even walk
up to her and say,

"Hi, ma'am. How
y'all? Gomer says hey."


Tell him he can't be in it.
What's the big problem?

The problem is, I promised
the Colonel four men

all wearing dress blues!

He's the only other guy with a
uniform, so I may have to use him!

And you don't wanna
do that? I do not!

No, what I gotta do

is I gotta get another
guy for the honor guard,

and I gotta buy him a uniform.

Nick, are you sure
that you don't...

You already asked
me, Sarge. I'm broke.

Broke! Broke!

Everybody's broke! It would
have to be the end of the month!

Well, we gotta scare
up 45 bucks by Saturday.

So you and me are going
on a little hunting expedition.

Oh, but, Sarge... Yeah!
Get everything you can get,

dollars, quarters, beg on the
streets for pennies if you have to.

We need 45 bucks to
buy Morrison his uniform.

But listen, Sarge... I do not want
Gomer Pyle on this honor guard!

Do you understand?

Well, he can foul up. He
can foul up something terrible!

H-He could accidentally shoot
that princess and start a war!

Come on, Sarge. Now, look...

Come in!

Hey, Sergeant.

What do you want, Pyle?

Well, after you left the
barracks this mornin',

I got to thinkin' that
you might be worried

how I'd do in that
there honor guard.

So I just come by here
to set your mind at ease.


Uh-huh. Watch this. I've
been practicin' and practicin'.


Port arms!

Order arms!

Present arms!

I'll keep practicin'.

wonder what caused that.

I don't know how that happened.

That's never happened before.

Sorry, Sergeant.

Get the money! Get the money!


Come on, Gomer. Why won't you?

I told you, Duke. I want to stay
here and practice my manual of arms.

Besides, I ain't sure I rightly
approve of what you're about to do.

Well, what's so terrible? All
you gotta do is stand by my side

all the time I'm shootin' craps.

You're my good luck
charm, you'll help me win.

Well, I don't think I approve.

Winnings from gamblin'
is ill-gotten gains.

Come on, Gome.

I can't, Duke.

Besides, there's this
princess that's comin' to visit,

all the way from
the old country.

And I want to look real good
in that there honor guard.

Watch this. Oh.


Right shoulder arm!

Right face!

I'm sorry, Duke.

I'm truly sorry. It's
all right, Gomer.

Golly, did I hurt you?

Not as much as you hurt me if
you don't come in town with me.

Gosh, I feel as if I
owe it to you now.

Will you, please? Huh?

Well... Attaboy, Gomer.
You're a real buddy.

Well, I want to get back in
time to practice some more.

Oh, you will.

I don't wanna stay out
too late. You... We won't.

I don't rightly approve.
I know, I know.

It's ill-gotten gains.
Right. Ill-gotten gains.

The point is six!

Five! The point is six!

The shooter wants six!

Four! The shooter wants six!

Comin' for $3.

Seven and out the
line! Next shooter!

Hand me those devil's
bones and stand back.

Be good to me,
little ivory babies.

Oh, I almost forgot. My
good-luck charm, fellas.

All right, all right,
what are you shootin'?

Shoot the $20. $20. You paid it.

Let 'em roll.

Five! Five is the number!

Little Phoebe keep me loose.
Come on, three, catch a deuce!

Five right! The line!

Shall we all go for
another ride, fellas?

What are you shootin' this time?
Yeah, all go, shoot the works.

Shoot $40, you paid it.

Just a little insurance.


Seven! A winner!

A little gift from heaven!

Who's hot now, fellas, huh?


DUKE: Shoot it all,
shoot it all. Let's go.

so good to me, baby.

Here we go. Yeah!

The shooter wants six!

Six! Six! Is that
all right, fellas?

(CHUCKLING) Here we go.


Five! The shooter wants six!

Six is the number!
The shooter wants six!

Come on, six!

Seven and out!


Next shooter.

Gomer, Gomer, what
happened? Where'd you go?

Well, I got bored over
there just watchin',

so I come over here and was
practicin' my manual of arms.

That's great. You know what
happened while you were practicing?

I lost. I lost
everything. You didn't!

I did, Gomer. I
blew the whole roll.

You were supposed to
stick by me, bring me luck.

Well, I'm sorry, Duke. A
lot of good that does me.

You got any money?
Well, yeah, but...

How much you got, Gomer?

Well, I got $45, but...

Let me have it. Will you,
Gomer? Please, let me have it.

Well, I couldn't do that, Duke.

That's the money
for my dress blues

and I'm supposed to
pick 'em up in the mornin'.

I'll double it, I guarantee
it. I'll win you enough

to buy two sets of dress blues!

I don't know, Duke... Come on,
Gomer. It's the least you can do.

You walked away and
broke the spell. Well...

You admit you walked away
and broke the spell, don't you?

I was winnin' all the time
you were standin' there.

The minute you walked
away, boom, I lost. Well...

Come on, Gomer. It's a sure
thing, you're my lucky partner.

Well, what makes you
so sure you're gonna win?

How can I lose with
Lucky Boy by my side?

Well... Come on, Gomer.

I'm not sure I rightly
approve of this.

Ill-gotten gains is what it is.

That's my dress blues money.

Well, watch it grow, Lucky Boy.

Now stick by me this
time. Come on, Gomer.

CROUPIER: Nine is the
number! The shooter wants nine!

Seven away! Next shooter!

And we got a fresh,
young shooter!

What are you shootin', kid?

Shootin' the whole $45.

$45 goes, you paid it.


Four! The number is four!

Little Joe from Kokomo, give
'em a shake, and away they go!

Seven! You're out!


What happened,
Duke? What happened?

The money for my
dress blues, it's gone.

It's gone.

The money for my
dress blues is gone.

Gomer, I... I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm... I'm sorry.

All the money that I'd saved up.

Now I won't be able
to get my dress blues.

But you know what
the worst part is?

I'll tell you what
the worst part is.

Tomorrow, I've got
to tell Sergeant Carter

that I can't be in that honor
guard to meet that princess.


He's gonna be so
disappointed, Duke.

Can you imagine how
disappointed he's gonna be

when I tell him I can't be
in that there honor guard?

No, no, no! I'm not gonna
have Pyle on the honor guard!

Sarge, face it. You don't
have enough money to swing it.

You need 45 bucks for
a uniform for Morrison.

Count it, you only
got about $15.

That's all we could rake up?

15 bucks? Just 15 bucks?

Yeah, $15 and a quarter.

Nick, we can't quit now! We
gotta get another 30 bucks!

We hit almost
everybody on the base.

They're all tapped out.

Well, there must be
somebody somewhere!

Hey, what about your folks?

Send 'em a telegram. Tell
'em you need an operation.

Oh, Vince!

I gotta keep Pyle off that honor
guard! Don't you understand?

Well, I wasn't gonna suggest it,

but I think I know where you
can get some dough real fast.

You know?

Well, what have you been
keeping so quiet about?

Where, huh, where,
where, where? Talk, talk!

Well, there's a big crap
game in town tonight.

A crap game? Right.

You want me to go to a
gambling joint and shoot crap,

a platoon sergeant?

Well, you go as a civilian.

Shoot crap with strangers?

Do you realize how desperate
I'd have to be to do that?

Well? I'm pretty desperate.
Where's the game?

Five! The shooter wants eight!

Come on, baby. Be there.


12! The shooter wants 8!

Okay, buddy.

Take it easy, fatso.
Are you in a rush?

Look, who you calling "fatso"?

You, banjo eyes. You wanna
make somethin' out of it?

Why, you little...

Oh, oh, the big, bad civilian
here is gonna hit me. I'm scared.


All right, come on. Shoot 'em.

Seven away!

Next shooter! Next shooter.

All right. Have fun, civilian.

Dad give you the car tonight?

Shoot the bundle.

How much is the bundle?


Okay, you're fated.

Come on, guys, come on!


Seven! Winner!

Ha! Let's see. How much is that?

That's, uh, $30.50, huh?

All right, how much
are you shootin' now?

I'll shoot $14
and, uh, 50 cents.

Okay, you're fated.

Come on, dice.




What'll you shoot this time?
Nothing, nothing, nothing.

I got all I need.
Thanks a lot, fellas.

Well, so long, sport. Now
you can buy that Erector Set.

CARTER: $42, $43, $44, $45.

Exactly enough for
one set of dress blues.

Did you tell Morrison I
have a little present for him?

Yeah, he'll be here as soon
as he gets off of work detail.

Well, Nick, this ought
to be a lesson to you.

For a while there we thought
we were gonna be stuck

with Pyle in the honor guard,
but fate had other plans.

It's always darkest
before the dawn,

every cloud has a silver lining,

and hope springs eternal
in the human breast.

You know what I mean? Uh-huh.
You got bailed out by a crap game.

Now comes the
most satisfying part.

What's that?

Telling Pyle he's not
gonna be in the honor guard.

For a while there, I was
stuck. I had no choice.

But now, because of
the... I do have a choice,

and I'm gonna tell him.

He's gonna be disappointed.

Well, as they say
on the playgrounds,

tough noogies.

You're a hardhearted man, Vince.

That's right!

I got a hard heart and
a hard head to match.

You want me to take a chance

and have Pyle goof
up an official visit?

Well, I don't! So I'm goin' over
there right now and tell him!

"Pyle, you're out! O-U-T, out!"


Well, Pyle, I was just on
my way over to see you.

Can I talk to you a
minute, Sergeant?

Well, sure, sure.

First, you talk to me.
Then, I will talk to you.


I don't quite know how
to tell you this, but...

'Cause you ain't
gonna like hearin' it

no better than
I like tellin' it.

Well, let's hear it.

And I wouldn't blame
you for bein' mad,

on account of it's bound
to be disappointin' news.

Let's hear it, let's hear it!

Fact is, I was gonna sit
down and write you a letter

just so as I wouldn't
have to face you. Pyle!

Well, here it is,

and I hope you'll
forgive me for it.

I can't be in that
there honor guard.

What did you say?

You hate me, don't
you, Sergeant?

Admit it, you hate me
for ruinin' all your plans.

You thought I was gonna
be in that there honor guard,

and here at the last
minute, I tell you I can't.

Well, you just go
on and hate me,

'cause I sure feel
like a hateful thing.

I don't have the money
to buy the uniform.

But you told me
you had the money.

This is the most painful
part of all, comin' up.

I had it, but I lost it.

You lost it?

I've done a terrible
thing, Sergeant.

It got lost shootin' with craps.

What? That's right.

I don't know what come
over me, greed, I expect.

But, anyways, it got
lost in a game of craps.

You got in a crap game
and lost your money?

The dice was supposed
to roll up to number four,

that's little old
Phoebe from Kokomo.

That's crap talk.

And it didn't
come up. So I lost.

Pyle, you mean
you took the money

that you had saved
up for your dress blues,

and you blew it in a crap game?

Is that what you're saying?

I don't mind so much about
me, Sergeant, but you...

What are you gonna do for the
fourth man for that honor guard?

You was countin' on me.

What's gonna happen now?

Well, I'll, uh... I'll
think of something.

And I was doin' real
good, too, Sergeant.

You'd have been
real proud of me.

I'd just been practicin'
my manual of arms,

I could even do it in my sleep.

Every spare minute
I had, I was doin' it.

You'd have been real proud
of me, 'cause I was doin' it right.

To tell you the truth, Sergeant,

that's the reason I was so
anxious to get in the honor guard.

I just wanted to
make you proud of me.

All right, Pyle. Get
back to your quarters.

Right, Sergeant.

When I come in, you
said there was somethin'

you wanted to talk to me about.

Um, n-n-nothing,
nothing important.

It can wait.

Right, Sergeant.


Well, you don't kick a guy when
he's down! I didn't say anything.

And I'll tell you
somethin' else!

He didn't lose that
money in a crap game!

He doesn't even know
how to shoot crap!

He was covering,
that was he was doing.

He was covering for some creep

that conned him out of his
dough! What are you gonna do?

What do you mean,
"What am I gonna do?"

I got the money for the
dress blues, haven't I?

Pyle may not have
the money, but I got it!

So? So, there are gonna be
four men in the honor guard

all wearing dress blues, just like
it was planned from the beginning!

What am I gonna do? I
was just wondering. I...

Well, stop wondering!
There's no problem.


Hiya, Sergeant. Corporal
said you had a present for me,

money for a set of dress
blues to wear in the honor guard.

A present?

A present?

What is this, your
birthday, Christmas?

Where do you get off coming
in here askin' for a present?

A present? I'll
give you a present!

I'll give you 100
push-ups to do!

Get out of here, you mooch!

But, Sergeant, I
was... Get out of here!

Move, move, move,
move, move, move!

Well, what are you
just sittin' there for?

Go get Pyle! Go get him!

He's gotta pick up his uniform!

Whatever you're
thinkin', shut up!

Sergeant? I ain't
gonna never forget

what a nice thing it
is you done for me,

lendin' me the money
so I could get my uniform.

It's okay, Pyle.

Nice, nice, nice. I don't see
how I can ever thank you.

You did, Pyle, you did,
last night and this morning.

And I got your letter, too.

I declare, every time I think
about it, I wanna just puddle up.

Well, don't, Pyle.

There's nothing that looks
worse in an honor guard

than a Marine who's been crying.

Heck, what a nice thing.

You're gonna make
a wonderful father.


So once again, thank
you, thank you, thank you.

It's okay, Pyle.

Now, look, the visiting party's
gonna be here any minute.

Now, I want you to
play it cool and steady.

Don't you worry, Sergeant.

I'll never disappoint the man
that made all this possible for me.

Good. Just listen
for every command

and execute it with precision.

Check and double-check.

Don't panic, don't be nervous.

Just play it cool and
steady, steady and cool.

Done and done.

Here they come.
Remember, cool and steady.

CARTER: Detail, ten-hut!