Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 23 - Old Man Carter - full transcript

Gomer tries to collect money for Carter's birthday.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

All right. Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now let me get this straight,

you want us all to chip in and buy
Sergeant Carter a birthday present?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) That's
exactly right. You're kidding. Why?

Well, he helped us all get
through boot camp, you included.

That's some favor.

Sometimes I think he
got us through boot camp



just so he could have
another crack at us now.

Now that's downright
foolish, Duke, and you know it.

You don't give somebody a gift

just because they done
somethin' nice for you.

That ain't the
true spirit of givin'.

You give somebody a gift
because you want to give it to 'em.

Didn't you know it's more
blessed to give than to receive?

Kill me.

I'm surprised at you, Duke.

A man's birthday is
an important thing.

Especially this one, it's
Sergeant Carter's 35th one.

Now, that's a
real important one.

Well, so was my 25th birthday,

and you know what I
did on my 25th birthday?



In the morning, I
took a 12-mile hike,

in the afternoon, I had
three hours of calisthenics,

and at night, I had
eight hours of guard duty.

See? Because of Sergeant Carter,

you'll always remember
your 25th birthday.

Gomer, you're unbelievable.

Well, I ain't askin'
for a whole lot.

We could get Sergeant
Carter a real nice gift

if every man in the
squad would chip in $1.

$1? What do I look
like, a millionaire?

Gomer, do you know
what a dollar means?

A dollar's a lot of money. You
can buy a lot of things with a dollar.

A dollar, that's five beers.

That ain't much, Duke.

If you wanted to, you'd
give up them five beers.

All right, to show you
what a nice guy I am,

I'll chip in two and a
half beers, 50 cents.

Come one, Duke,
make it five beers.

Three beers? Five beers?

All right, five
beers. One dollar.

Come on, let's get it
up. Everybody, get it up.

One dollar, one dollar.

They ought to send you out at
Christmas time with a tambourine, Gomer.

Come on, Larry, get it up.

Thanks, Duke.

You know, you're
a real good person.

Now we just gotta
figure out what we can get

Sergeant Carter
for his birthday.

How about a bullhorn? His voice
is so low, I can hardly hear him.

You got a real good
sense of humor, Duke,

but I think we ought to pick out

somethin' special
for the Sergeant.

I think we ought to get
him a sentimental gift.

A sentimental gift?
How about a whip?

Come on, fellers,
now this is serious.

Look, Gomer, this was your idea,

so I nominate you
to pick out the gift.

No, I think... All those
in favor say "aye."

ALL: Aye. The "ayes" have it.

You won the election,
you pick out the gift.

Well, good afternoon,
Private. May I help you?

Yeah. I'm lookin' to buy
my Sergeant somethin'.

Tomorrow's his birthday.

It's his 35th, and that's
a real important one.

Oh, you bet it is. What
do you have in mind?

Well, you see, all the fellers
in the squad chipped in,

and we wanna get
him somethin' real nice.

Well, we have some
handsome gift items over here,

uh, cigarette lighters,
cuff links, tie clasps...

If you don't mind my asking,
uh, what would you like to spend?

Oh, I'd like to spend $100.

Oh!

But I only got $16.

Oh.

Well, I'm sure we can find
something here for $16 that you'll like.

Say, how about this imported
pocketknife with two blades?

My, that sure is pretty.

Scissors.

Well, what do you
know about that?

Screwdriver.

Well, looky there,
a real screwdriver.

Bottle opener.

My, that sure is handy.
I think he'd like that a lot.

Nail file.

Aw, shoot. He's got one.

No sense in givin' him
somethin' he's already got.

Of course not.

That's a shame. That
knife would be perfect

if it didn't have
that nail file on it.

Hey, what's that right there?

This? No, to the left.

This? No, I'm sorry,

to my left, not your left.

This? Forward a little.

This? No, I'm sorry,
it's forward to me,

but it's backwards to you.

This? In front of that.

This? No, I mean behind it.

This? Yeah.

It's a cigarette lighter.

Oh. He's got one.

Why don't you just give
him a $16 gift certificate?

Oh, we couldn't do that.

We've got to get
him a sentimental gift.

Sentimental.

Hey, is this watch
here very expensive?

Well, that is a little more
than you have to spend.

It sure is a beauty though, huh?

It's not only a watch,
it's also a calendar.

Well, I'll be
dogged. A calendar?

Is it much more than $16?

Well...

'Cause if it is, I guess I'll
just have to keep lookin' here

till I find somethin' else.

Oh.

Well, um, I'll
tell you what, uh,

since you're being so
nice to your sergeant, uh,

I'm gonna let you
have this watch for $16.

Shazam!

Well, that sure is nice of you.

I'll never forget you for this.

Oh, that's all right.
There's just one more thing.

What's that? Can I have somethin'
engraved on the back of it?

Oh, absolutely. I'll even
include it in the $16.

Well, I can't tell you how
much I appreciate this.

My pleasure.

Listen, you won't be sorry.

'Cause I promise, from now on,

I'll do all of my
shoppin' right here.

When do you think we
should give it to him?

What's the matter
with right now?

Why not? After
all, it's his birthday.

Let's go over to the company
office and surprise him.

Right.

(CHATTERING)

CARTER: Where are you goin'?

Out to goof off a little?

GOMER: No, sir.

You bet you're not!

And wipe that silly
grin off your face!

Now, all of you, hear
me and hear me good!

I'm sick and tired of your
sloppy, careless ways!

This squad is becoming

a bunch of thoughtless,
forgetful pumpkinheads!

I think you'd forget
your own heads

if they weren't tied
to your shoulders!

Cochran and Pyle, you both
forgot to lock up your rifles!

Gottschalk, Slater, and Pyle,

you're forgetting to keep
your wall lockers closed!

Felcher, you forgot
to fill your canteen!

And, Pyle, you forgot
to salute an officer

coming out of the
mess hall this morning!

You're just lucky
he didn't see you!

And that's just
part of the list.

Now, we've been
through all of this before,

so I'm telling you
for the last time,

you better not forget
one more thing!

Because if you do,

if you forget one more thing...

Sergeant? There's one
thing we didn't forget.

That's wonderful, Pyle.

One thing! One thing
you didn't forget?

I can't wait to hear what it is!

What didn't you
forget, knucklehead?

Happy birthday.

ALL: Happy birthday, Sarge.

Gee,

y-you... you fellas
didn't have to do this.

I know we didn't
have to. We wanted to.

It's, uh, nice.

It's... It's real nice.

I don't know what to say.

Well, open it up.

All right. See what's in there.

PRIVATE1: Just
take a look, Sarge.

(PAPER RUSTLING)

Hey, that's real nice.

(ALL CHATTERING)
Hey, it's a watch.

And... And it matches
my I.D. bracelet.

It's a calendar, too.
See that "24" on there?

That means it's the
24th of the month.

It don't tell you the month.

You got to remember
that yourself.

DUKE: Look who's talkin'
about havin' to remember things,

the guy that forgot
to salute the officer.

I sure picked some day
to chew you guys out, huh?

LARRY: Oh, forget it, Sarge.

Well, it... it... it's
beautiful, fellas.

I appreciate it.
Uh, I really do.

Look on the back of the
watch, on the back there.

SLATER: Read it, Sarge.

"With all our esteem
on your 35th birthday."

Thanks, fellas.

I'll always remember
this birthday.

This is an important
one. This is your 35th.

Yeah. That is kind
of a milestone, huh?

Gee, Sarge, 35?

That's almost the same age
as me and Burns put together.

That's right. I never
thought of that.

How long you been
in the Marines, Sarge?

Let's see, um, I
guess it's 18 years.

Yeah, 1946.

Hey, that's the year I was born.

SLATER: Gosh, Sarge, you've been
in the Marines more than half your life.

That's right, I have.

Boy, how time flies, huh?

Seems like just
yesterday I was in Korea.

That was 1950. GOMER: 1950?

You was in Korea and
I was in grade school.

Miss Costello, 7B.

DUKE: Aren't you
ashamed of yourself, Gomer?

While Sergeant Carter was over
in Korea fightin' for our country,

there you were in Mayberry,
just learnin' how to read and write.

Well, the Marines sure
haven't hurt you none, Sergeant.

I hope I look as good
as you do when I'm 35.

Thanks.

PRIVATE2: Gee, 35. You're only
three years younger than my dad.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, uh... Thanks
again, fellas,

for the present.

I sure am glad we
helped to make this

a happy birthday
for you, Sergeant.

Yeah. Thanks, Pyle.

Thanks a lot.

You know, Gome, I
gotta hand it to you,

you really got to the Sarge.
He was really touched.

You know, I'm glad
you talked me into it.

That wasn't worth five beers
to me, that was worth 40 beers.

He sure looked like
he appreciated it.

When he left, he could
hardly talk, he was so happy.

"With all of our esteem
on your 35th birthday."

35th birthday.

MAN ON RADIO: and it contains
only health-giving ingredients.

So remember that name, folks,

Rejuvenate, the tonic that
makes you feel young again.

Remember, Rejuvenate is made
especially for you people over 35.

That's the age when
you start feeling...

COMMENTATOR1: Experience
and a good left hook will win for him.

That's why I think
the champ will retain

his heavyweight
championship in tonight's bout.

COMMENTATOR 2: Well, I
have to disagree with you, Jerry.

I think age is gonna
make the difference.

The challenger's
young and aggressive,

and I don't think the
champ can make it

if he has to go 15 rounds
against his youthful challenger.

The champ's stamina and legs
just aren't what they used to be.

You have to remember,
he's no kid anymore.

He's 32 now, and many of
us feel that he's over the...

(CLICKS OFF)

(BUGLE PLAYING REVEILLE)

I wonder where
Sergeant Carter is.

He ain't never been
late for reveille before.

Must have been out
celebratin' his birthday last night.

I didn't hear the bugler. I
had the windows closed.

I guess that little extra
sleep felt good, Sergeant,

especially after
your 35th birthday.

What do you mean by that crack?

I didn't mean it as
no crack, Sergeant.

We just thought maybe you
was out celebratin' last night...

Don't play games with me, Pyle!

I know what you're thinkin'!

You think I'm
getting old, right?

No, Sergeant... Yeah, that's
what you're all thinkin', isn't it?

Yeah, sure, I know,

you were born the year
I joined the Marines!

And you were in kindergarten
when I was fightin' in Korea!

Well, let me tell
you all something!

I can still run the
whole lot of you

into the ground
any day of the week!

And just to prove it, let's do
some deep knee bends right now!

Come on!

All you have to do is as
many as old Sergeant Carter!

All right?

Hands on hips!

Put those hands
down until I say "Place"!

Hands on hips! Place!

Ready? Exercise!

Hut! Two! Hut! Two!

Hut! Two! Hut...

(GROANS) GOMER:
What's the matter, Sergeant?

Don't touch me,
Pyle! I'm all right.

Please, Sergeant. I think I
can help you. Please let me try.

My back!

(YELLS IN PAIN)

Hey, it's okay.

You did that like you
knew what you were doin'.

Well, I've had
a lot of practice.

My grandma used to have
the same thing you just had.

I used to straighten her out.

Poor thing, though, she
started walkin' crooked.

Your grandma?

Uh-huh. It come to
her in her twilight years.

Get back in formation, Pyle.

But you ought to
rest a while, Sergeant.

That's what grandma used to do
after she had an attack like that.

I said, "Get back in formation"!

She'd put a mustard
plaster... Pyle!

Now let's start again!

Hands on hips! Place!

Ready? Exercise! Hut!

(GROANS IN PAIN)

Don't touch me, Pyle!

Maybe you ought not do
anymore of them deep knee bends.

I could get some dry mustard...

I'm not your grandmother!

Now, this is different.
I'm perfectly all right.

It's... It's just an old
war injury from Korea.

It acts up now and then.

But I'd better get over to
sick bay just to play it safe.

That's what I call
a real smart idea.

You go over to sick
bay and play it safe.

I'll be right back.

What are you gawking at?

Get busy policing up the area!

All of you!

(EXCLAIMING) He's
startin' to walk crooked,

just like grandma, poor thing.

The pain in your
side, is it gone now?

Yes, sir.

Despite the bent
position you're now in?

I'm sorry, sir.

Look, Sergeant, there's
nothing for you to worry about.

You had a simple
muscle cramp, that's all.

It's nothing else?

Nothing else, but
don't forget one thing,

you can't make those sudden moves
like you did when you were younger.

Younger? What do you mean, sir?

You know, like you
did a few years ago.

It's nothing like hardening
of the arteries, is it, sir?

You're fine, Sergeant.

Yes, sir.

I don't understand, Private.

Why are you so concerned
about Sergeant Carter's back?

Well, I apologize for
takin' up your time, sir,

but Sergeant Carter's really got
me worried, and the other fellers, too.

It ain't only his back. He just
hasn't been actin' hisself lately.

He's been kind of mopin'
around ever since the party.

Party? What party?

His birthday party.

The fellers all chipped in
and we gave him a watch.

He just turned 35.

Oh, so that's it, 35-itis.

35-itis?

It's a common ailment.

You see, Private,

some men feel when
they reach the age of 35,

it marks the end of their youth

and the beginning of middle age.

Quite often, they start imagining
all sorts of aches and pains.

But the pain that
Sergeant Carter had

sure seemed real enough to me.

Of course. And if Carter
continues to worry about getting old,

he'll actually feel pain even
though nothing's wrong with him.

In technical language, that sort of
condition is known as psychosomatic.

Psychoso... Psychosomatic.

In a few days, your
sergeant's confidence

will come back to him
and everything will be okay.

Well, thank you, sir.

Psychoso... Psychosomatic.

Lordy, there's a lot of
sicknesses these days.

Hey, what's the
matter with you kids?

Those packs too heavy, huh?

I'm 35 years old.
Look at me, huh?

Oh, all right, you
weaklings, halt!

Take five.

Well, well, well.

Tired are we, huh?

Maybe I should charter a bus
to come all the way out here

and pick us all up and
take us back to camp, huh?

Golly, Sergeant,
just look at you.

All of us is just as
tuckered as we can be.

Just look at you, you ain't
hardly worked up a sweat yet.

Well, I'll give you
kids a little tip.

Always carry a candy
bar in your pack.

CARTER: It gives you that
extra energy when you need it.

I've got one right
here, Sergeant.

Then give it to
him, he needs it.

Who did this?

Who?

Why, Pyle?

Why'd you do it?

Well, it was...

It was just that you'd
been feelin' poorly lately,

and this is just a way to help
you get you over that bad period

and get your old
confidence back.

With straw?

Rocks, I can understand.

That might get my
confidence back, but straw?

Well... Thanks, Pyle!

Thanks a lot!

Just tryin' to make an
old man feel young, right?

(GROANS)

Come here, come here, come here.

Hey, guys, wait'll
you hear this.

ALL: What? What?
You won't believe it.

We're losin' Sergeant Carter.

PRIVATE 1: Sergeant Carter?
PRIVATE 2: Why? What happened?

I don't believe it. Sergeant
Carter? Where would he go?

He's askin' to be
transferred to a desk job.

Golly! Are you sure, Duke?

Well, that's what Farley Obitz
said and he ought to know.

He's a clerk over
at headquarters.

Did he tell you why, Duke?

Yeah, Carter thinks he's gettin'
too old to be a duty sergeant

so instead, he's gonna
be pushin' a pencil.

Well, all I got to say is, I
feel sorry for the pencil.

That's good, Larry.
Hey, Gome, Larry says...

Where'd he go?

Don't you understand, Private?

That was just the
wrong thing to do.

I didn't say you should
make it easy for him.

That will only convince
him he can't do it himself.

The only thing that will help
him gain back his confidence

is if he proves to himself
he can still pull his own load.

He has to find out he's a man
who can carry his own weight.

Then he'll get over
his psychosemantics?

Yes.

Gomer, I wanna be the
first to say this, you're crazy!

Believe me, Duke, this'll work.

And you want us to ask Sergeant
Carter to take us on a hike?

Uh-huh.

I've already packed
his pack here with rocks.

Rocks?

(THUD)

When he finds out he
carried a pack this heavy,

he'll be all over his
psychosemantics.

His what?

That's doctor talk.

Now, come on, fellers.

Y'all don't want Sergeant
Carter to leave us, now do you?

ALL: Well...

What is this, a coffee
klatch? I ain't transferred yet.

Hey, Sergeant. We
was just talkin' about you.

My day is made.

Since you're
gonna be leavin' us,

we thought it would be real nice

if you took us on sort
of a goin'-away hike.

Huh?

We sure would appreciate
it, wouldn't we, fellers?

ALL: Yeah.

See?

You're kidding!

You mean you want
me to take you on a hike?

You know, for
sentimental reasons,

somethin' we could
remember you by.

Pyle, if anyone else
but you said this,

I'd swear they
were pulling my leg.

All right.

It's a hike you want,
it's a hike you'll get.

Everybody fall out
with full field packs!

Come on, let's move, let's move!

Come on, move it!

Um, I just knew
you'd do it, Sergeant,

so I went ahead and
fixed your pack for you.

Oh, no.

We've been all
through that, remember?

Forget it! You guys
wanted the hike.

I'm just going along
for the company.

All right, fall out! Come on,
move it, move it, move it, move it!

Thanks a lot, Gomer!

Yeah, you and your great ideas!

CARTER: Squad, halt!

On your feet, Pyle!
You asked for this hike!

Oh!

Pyle, get...

What's the matter,
Pyle, are you hurt?

Twisted my ankle, and it
pains me somethin' awful.

(YELLING) Here, let
me take a look at it.

Looks all right to me.
See if you can walk on it.

It's no use, Sarge.
Maybe it's broken.

It's not broken.

Now somebody's gonna have to
carry you all the way back to camp.

I guess so.

You're the only one
that's not wearin' a pack.

What are you doin', Pyle?

I'm eatin' a candy bar.

You remember, said it was
good for energy on a hike?

Hey, you want a bite? No!

Squad! Halt!

Left face!

All right, the rest
of you men fall out.

ALL: Aye, aye, sir!

All right, come on, Pyle.

I'll take you over to sick bay.

Well, uh, uh,
Sergeant, you see, uh...

What's wrong?

Well, look, my foot
seems a whole lot better.

Look...

I can walk just fine.

Truth is, it wasn't
ever really that bad.

Oh, I get it, that was
a sentimental hike?

You wanted to make
a fool out of me?

I carried you five
miles for nothing?

I ought to kill
you for this, Pyle!

Don't say for nothin', Sergeant.

You carried me, and look at you,

you ain't out of breath,
you ain't even tired.

See? You're strong.

You're just as strong
as you always was.

And you thought you
couldn't carry your own weight.

Why, you can carry
your weight and mine, too.

Now, if that don't give
you your confidence back,

I don't know what will.

A man that can do all of that,

he'd be wastin' his
time behind a desk.

Yeah.

See? Now you're all over
your psychosemantics.

What?

Nothin'. Just, "Welcome back."

Thanks, Pyle.

Good-lookin' watch, Vince.

Sure was nice of the guys. Yeah.

Yeah, you know, I
remember when I was a kid.

Things were so tough, that I
didn't get a birthday present

till I was 11 years old.

My family had it rough, too.

I was born right
in the middle of it,

year of the crash, 1929.

My old man worked
morning, noon and night.

He was never sure where
his next... Hey, Sergeant?

How much is 9 from 15?

Six! What's the matter,
can't you subtract?

There were days when we
didn't even have enough to eat.

Two from five is three.

Hey, Sergeant, do
you know somethin'?

You ain't 35, you're
36. How 'bout that?

And all the time you thought
you was 35, you're really 36.

Pyle, rake that area!

(YELLING) Come on,
move, move, move, move...

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