Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 22 - Officer Candidate Gomer Pyle - full transcript

Carter tries for the Officer Candidate School.

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Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

They blow this inspection,
I'll kill 'em, I'll kill 'em!

Keep your eye out.

Come on, Slater! Get those
ammunition boxes straightened out!

That top blanket
there, right there! Fold it!

Don't make so much dust, Pyle!

Inspection party, just leavin'
the barracks, heading this way.

Do you call that sweeping?
There's an inch of dust under there!

All right, secure from up there!

Hey, Duke, help me
move this, would you?

All right, here they come.

You guys, line
up, right over here.

Hey, Duke, just a second more.

Good morning, sir.

Company "B" supply room
ready for inspection, sir.



I was movin' it
to clean under it,

and I kind of lost
my purchase on it.

See you a minute, Sergeant?

What kind of a careless,
inefficient Marine is that, Sergeant?

Well, sir...

Is that an example of the kind
of training he gets from you?

Sir, I... As you were.

Take care of that, Sergeant.

Aye, aye, sir.


Oh, forget it, Vince. Just
an accident. They happen.

But why always to me?

Why me?

16 years I put in, right?

So here I am, a
platoon sergeant.

Three up, two down, right?

Big deal.

This gives me the privilege

of being stuck, night and day,

with them left-footed,
birdbrained foul-ups!

And what do I get out of it?

Nothin' but aggravation!

Vince, it ain't that bad!

What's to be my future?

Another 16 years of more
aggravation, more knuckleheads?

I-Is this to be my destiny,

life among the savages?

Look, Vince, it didn't
really bother the Captain.


You didn't hear him chew me out!

And why should
it bother him, huh?

He doesn't have to spend
night and day with them clowns!

He doesn't have to take
the rap for their foul-ups!

Not him! No!

All he has to do is say,
"Take care of it, Sergeant!

"Take care of it, Sergeant."

And then he cuts out!

This doesn't mean anything
to him! He's an officer!

That's the life, Nick.

All right.

So why don't you
become an officer?

Here it is, for
the bulletin board.

"Aptitude tests will be
given Tuesday at 0800.

"Open to all enlisted personnel

"interested in applying for
the Officers' Training Program."


You mean, you would?

Why not?


I've put in my time.
I've done my bit.

Let some other guy with
the stripes take the beating!

I'll be the officer.

I'll be the one who
only has to say,

"Take care of it,
Sergeant." Yeah, yeah.

Sarge, listen. Now, bein'
an officer ain't all that easy.

I... I mean, it's a
whole different life...

Yeah, I should have
done this years ago!

I'll get that bar
on my shoulder,

the passport to a better life.

Then I can mingle amongst
gentlemen, civilized human beings,

instead of that bunch of
cockeyed clowns out there.

It'll be a relief just to be with
people who can talk English good.

Sir, real trouble.

Private Morgan is AWOL,

Piersackey smashed up his jeep,

Schmidt is in jail for
fighting with a sailor,

Slater blew up the arsenal,

and Gomer Pyle accidentally
set fire to the mess hall.

Well, take care of it, Sergeant.

Aye, aye, sir.

Hmm? Oh.

If you want me, I'll be over
signing up for that exam

for the Officer
Training Program.

You sure you wanna
go through with it?

But I just got to go in
there and tell the Sergeant

how sorry I am I
messed up his inspection.

Bad, bad idea.

Better you stay away
and let him forget it.

You go in there now,
he'll bite your head off

and chew up the
rest of you, too.

Not the Sergeant. He ain't
the type to be mean about it.

He's much too fine a man.

Gomer, believe me,
he'll take one look...


Say, Sergeant, I just came by

to tell you how truly sorry I
am about what happened.

Don't you give it
a thought, Pyle.

Not a thought, it
means nothing at all.


I told you he
wouldn't be mad at all.

Just like I said,
he's a fine man,

just about the finest there is.

Somethin' important?

Notice for Officers' Training,
they're holding interviews.

Yeah? Yeah. Guess
who's gonna take the test?

Nope. Sergeant Carter.

He ain't!

Well, did you ever in
all your put-togethers?

Sergeant Carter's gonna
get to be a lieutenant?

That's right.

Well, that means he'll
be goin' to officers' school,

and we won't be
seein' him no more.

Yeah. Isn't that sad?

I just can't imagine things around
here without Sergeant Carter.

Why, he's been with us
straight through boot camp.

Of course, I do
wish him the best.

For heck's sake, though,
I'd sure hate to see him go.

He's such a fine man, I'd like
to continue to serve with him.

Well, you can.

Why don't you apply for
the Officer Training Program?

Huh? Take the test then
you can be together again.

You think I ought to?

Why not? You too can
be an officer, Gomer.

But could a... Could a
private take this test?

Take it? You not only
can take it, it's your duty.

Where else are they gonna find
the future leaders of the Corps

if not among men like us?

And besides, you'll get
to stay with your buddy.

By your leave, sir.

No, I mean it.
Gomer, an officer?

You mean, he's
takin' the test for real?

I was there when
he was askin' about it.

But I didn't think
he was serious.



Who are we at attention for?

Lieutenant Pyle.


You're gonna become a
lieutenant, aren't you, sir?

Aw, come on, Duke.
All I done was...

What are we standing around for?

Let's make the
Lieutenant comfortable!

Come over here, sir.
Pillow, pillow, pillow!

Have a seat, sir. Right here.

Let me get those
shoes, Lieutenant.

Spot of dust there, sir.

Shall I get your jeep, drive
you to the Officers' Club, sir?

Yes, yes! His bars! His bars!

Get the lieutenant his bars!

And salute!

Oh, come on, Duke.

Relax, Sarge, take it easy.

I'm relaxed, I'm
perfectly relaxed.

It's only an aptitude test,
no military stuff, just general.

100 true and false
questions. Yeah, yeah.

You know, Benson
told me the trick is

you gotta put down the first
answer that comes to your head.

That's usually right, and
don't stew on 'em too long.

Oh, yeah, and you
gotta be relaxed.

How many times do I have to
tell you, I'm relaxed, I'm relaxed!

All right, all right.
I'll see you later.

Hey, Sergeant!

What are you doing here?

I'm plannin' on
takin' that there test.

That test?

To become an
officer in the Marines?

The United States Marines?

I'm not steppin' out
of line, am I, Sergeant?

(LAUGHING) No, no, not at all.

You feel yourself
officer material,

well, you just go right ahead.

How long have you
been in the Marines, Pyle?

Almost six months.

Oh, six months.

Well, you should
have no trouble at all.

I sure wish I was
as calm as you are.

I don't expect I know
too many of the answers.

So I guess I'll do
mostly hunchin'.



See, what I do when I
don't know somethin',

is I slap these two
fingers down real hard.

Now, if the pointin'
finger tingles most,

I put down "true."

And if the long finger tingles
most, I put down "false."

Works real good sometimes.

Pyle, will you tell me
one thing? Just one thing?

Why are you doing this?

Why do you wanna
become an officer?

Well... kind of a
personal reason.








Well, what's takin' so long?
Make sure the phone's working.


Hello. Corporal
Cuccinelli speaking, sir.

Yeah. Yeah. Right.

Uh-huh. Right. What?

Oh, okay. Let's have 'em.

Well, what, what, what? Shh!


Yeah. Right.


Oh, okay. Yeah.


Well, well?

Well, they're takin'
the top 10 men, Sarge.

Yeah, so, who are the
top 10 men? Who? Who...

Four from Whipple's
outfit made it.

Yeah, yeah.

Two from Sergeant
Zilefsky's platoon.

Yeah, yeah, that's six.

Three from Company "C."

That's nine. That means I was...

I didn't.

No, Sarge. You're
eleventh on the list.

I'm sorry.

But look, most of
those guys that made it,

they're college boys.


Well, uh, who
was that tenth guy?

The guy that just aced me
out, you know who it was?

Hey, Sarge! I just heard!

I made it, I made it!

Barely by the hair on my chin,

but I did do good
enough to pass.

I was number 10.

How'd you do?
Where'd you come in?

Carter placed 11th.
That means he's out.

You mean, Gomer passed
and the Sergeant didn't?

Now, lay off that "Gomer" stuff.

He's practically
"Officer Candidate Pyle,"

and officer candidates
are treated just like officers.

You know that?

You're kiddin'.

You mean we gotta call
Gomer "sir"? That's right.

All right, break it up.

We got a little
work detail, here.

You three, pick and shovel.
Tidy up the obstacle course.

You three, rakes.
Police the area.

Slater and Gottschalk,
recreation hut, swab the decks.

That's it. Make it good.


Excuse me,
Sergeant, what do I do?

All men passing
the aptitude test

have been relieved
of duty status...





Since you're on your
way to becoming an officer,

you will have no more
work assignments.

The rest of you
knuckleheads, scramble!

But, Sergeant, I'll be
glad to grab a pick...

Sorry, regulations.

Now, if you care to come around
the duty office around 1430,

we can tell you what time you have your
appointment before the interview board.

Man, you're a lucky stiff, Gome.

Oh, come on, Sarge.

They'll be havin' more of those
officer selection tests again next year.

You'll make it easy then.

If I live that long.

I still can't figure
out how Pyle made it.

That's the one bright
side to the whole thing.

I might be stuck for a whole
year with the rest of those clowns,

but at least he'll
be out of my hair.

I was supposed to drop by and...

Your interview is
scheduled for 1500.

That's in half an hour, sir.

You know, Sergeant,

when I first found
out that I was goin'

to officer school
and you wasn't,

well, I didn't like
that idea one little bit.

See, I'd always counted on
soldiering with you a little longer.

I never figured that
this would backfire

and split us up instead.

Well, that's the way it is.

It really bothered me, Sergeant,

but it don't no more.

Good, good.

On account of it don't have to
split us up at all, not one little bit!

It don't? Not the way
I'm gonna arrange it.

When I get to be an
officer, I'm gonna fix it

where I get assigned
right here at this base.

That way, we'd be together
again in the very same group.

But you can't always
choose where you're sent.

The Corps sends officers
where they're needed most,

and in that case, you
wouldn't be sent back here.

I thought about
that, too, Sergeant.

If that happens, I'll
make a request for you,

and have you transferred to me.

So you don't worry none.

You're to have me
transferred to where you are?

Officers can do that.

So you see, everything's
gonna be just fine.

We'll be together,
same as always.

Only one teeny,
little difference,

I'd be your superior officer.

But that don't really
make no nevermind.

It'll be perfect. What with
me bein' your superior officer,

we'll be workin' closer
together than we ever did before.

Just like that, you and me.

The Sergeant and
his superior officer.

Please! No more.


I just...

thought I'd give
you the good news.


I guess I'd better be
gettin' on to the interview.

Is there somethin'
ailin' the Sergeant?

Yeah, well, you ought to be
able to figure that one out, sir.

I'm afraid I don't follow you.

Yeah, well, I'll give
it to you straight.

Think how you'd feel if you put
in 16 years, Korea, everything,

and on your first try
for Officers' Training

you get beaten out by a private
practically right out of boot camp.

Golly, I never figured...

Sure, sure, and if you
hadn't taken the test,

instead of being eleventh,
Carter would have been tenth.

And he'd have been on his way

to Officers' Trainin'
instead of me.

Well, I never, for one minute,
wanted to get in his way.

Not Sergeant Carter, not
after all he's done for me.

Yeah, well, it's too
late now. So forget it.

You better be gettin' on
over to your interview, sir.

Private Gomer Pyle
reportin' as ordered, sir.

At ease, Pyle.

Pyle, would you tell the board

why you wish to
become an officer?


Would you tell the board why
you wish to become an officer?

Yes, sir, as a matter of fact,

that is somethin' I'd
like to talk to you about.

First off, Colonel, sir,

I wanted to tell you gentlemen
that I was just tickled pink

that you'd give me this chance.

But don't you think
it'd be a sight better

if you give it to
somebody with 16 years,

with Korea and everything

and two up and three down?

I... I mean, three
up and two down.

Uh, Private, you're not
making yourself very clear.

Sir, I was talkin'
about Sergeant Carter.

Well, what does Sergeant
Carter have to do with this?

Oh, just about everything.

The reason that I was
goin' to officer school

was on account of
he was gonna go, too.

Pyle, are you or are you not

interested in
becoming an officer?

Sir, I think that the Colonel
would like the best man for the job.

And since the Sergeant
taught me everything that I know,

I think it'd be better if you took
the teacher instead of the pupil.

So, if it ain't
against regulations,

I'm gonna step down and let
the Sergeant go instead of me.

Why, with all he knows, he'd
probably start right out as a colonel

with no trouble at all.

I'm sorry, Colonel. I
didn't mean it like that.

What I'm tryin' to say is that I've
got my work cut out for me here,

and the Sergeant, he's
deservin' of bein' an officer.

And I'm sure he'd be one
you could be real proud of.

Then you're
withdrawing your name?

Yes, sir. I guess
that's what I'm doin'.

Come on, pick it up, pick it up!

Everything that ain't growing!

I don't wanna see anything

but grass and gravel
when you're finished!

Now, get with it!

Look at 'em, huh? Look at 'em!

They foul up, who gets
chewed out for it, huh?

Sergeant Carter. What
does that mean to them?

Do they care what happens to me?

I miss out on
that officer's thing,

it's just a big laugh to them!

I don't know...
Oh, come on, Nick!

They're just lookin'
out for number one!

They don't care about
me. I'm just a nothing,

another sergeant they gotta
put up with, part of the scenery.


Sergeant Carter?

You're to report to the
Officer Selection Board

for an interview immediately.

The Officer Selection Board?

There must be some mistake.
I didn't place in the first...

No mistake, Sergeant.

The Colonel sent
me for you personally.

Hey, Vince! Looks
like you made it!

Hey guys, Sergeant's goin'
to the officers' school after all!

Well, we'd better
get started, Sergeant.

Hey, don't go yet!
I'll be right back!

But I... I don't get it.

Are you sure that
he meant for me?

Positive. Let's go.

Sure gonna hate to
see you go, Sarge.

Well, yeah, you
take over, huh, Nick?


You'll need a tie, Sarge.

Thanks, Thomas.
Hold it! Hold it!

Sarge, when we, uh, heard
you were takin' the aptitude test,

well, we went out, and
we got you somethin'.

We didn't give it to
you before because...

Anyway, we're glad we
can give it to you now.

DUKE: Your lieutenant
bars, Lieutenant.



It looks like you got
what you wanted, Vince,

passport to a new life,
away from the knuckleheads.

Crazy guys.

What'd they want
to get me these for?


DUKE: Good luck,
Sarge, good luck!

Sergeant Carter
reporting as ordered, sir.

At ease.

Well, Carter, we've
had some pretty glowing

recommendations about you.

Beg your pardon, sir?

Private Pyle withdrew his name.

That moves you up
to the number ten spot,

making you eligible
for officer training.

He withdrew his name?

LT. COLONEL: And if you make
half the officer he said you would,

you'll have my job
in three months.

Does the Colonel mean to say

that Pyle stepped
down so that I...

Would you tell the board why
you wish to become an officer?

Well, sir, I'm...
I'm not sure I can.

I mean, I don't think
I'm ready to be an officer.

That is, I'm ready, but not yet.

You see, sir, I
have this platoon

I've trained since
they were recruits,

and we're sort of a team,

and they're still
a little rough.

Don't get me wrong, sir.
They're good. They're real good.

But I'd like to personally see 'em
through the rest of their training.

The platoon and me,

we kind of
understand each other.

Hey, Pyle!

Hey, Sarge. What happened?

Oh, they had some
special assignment

they wanted a good platoon
to work on, so I said we'd do it.

You mean you're
stayin'? You ain't goin'...

You mean that officer thing?

Oh, there's no time for that.
Maybe next year. No hurry.

You know, I feel the same way.

There ain't no hurry.
Maybe next year.

Yeah. You goin'
back to the barracks?

What's going on?

Sergeant, we'd like for you
to settle an argument for us.

How do you spell "separate"?

S-E-P-E-R or A-R?

What are you bothering me for?

Look it up in the dictionary!

But you know, though,
don't you? Huh?

E-R or A-R?



Absolutely. Here it is.

Sarge is right. It's A-R.

Golly, Sergeant,
you're always right.

How do you know so many things?

It's my job, Pyle.

It's my job.