Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 17 - Sergeant Carter's Farewell to His Troops - full transcript

Carter must decide whether or not to re-enlist.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Why not?

GOMER: (IN SOUTHERN
ACCENT) Hey, Sergeant.

I was just passin' by outside, and I
looked in the window, and I said to myself,

"That looks like
Sergeant Carter."

And you know what? What?

It was you.

Sit down, Pyle.



Do you really want me to?

Why not?

I was on my way
back to the base.

I just seen a fine
double feature.

Both of 'em was
ice-skatin' pictures,

with that Vera Hruba Ralston.

You know, I wished I could see more
of her pictures. She acts real good.

Vera... I was on
my way to the bus,

and I looked in the window,
and I said to myself...

You know something,
Pyle? What, Sergeant?

That's the story of our lives.

Old movies,

a cup of coffee in a joint like
this, and then back to the base.

Yeah.



And I sure do love it, too.

Wait till you've
been in 14 years.

Wait till the glamour's worn off,
and the shine on the brass buttons.

Wait till you see the fellas in the
pinstripe suits getting all the girls.

Well, I don't know any girl that wouldn't
be proud to go out with you, Sergeant.

Well, I do.

Tonight, I had a
date with a beast.

A beast.

I hated myself for it.

And she stood me up.

Good thing I had
come along, huh?

It ain't me, Pyle.

It's the uniform.

Women go for the big spenders,

the insurance salesmen,
the druggists, the butchers.

Oh, you're wrong, Sergeant.

Why, I know girls... I'm right,
and I've had it up to here.

Pyle...

I'm getting out.

Do you feel all right, Sergeant?

My enlistment's
up in three days,

and I'm not signing on again.

That's it. Period.

No more Marines, through.

Well, you just plain
can't do that, Sergeant.

Can't I? Pyle,
I've had an offer.

The Anaheim Police
Department, Motorcycle Officer.

Of course, it's just a
three-wheeler at first,

but I can work my way up.

And nobody, Pyle,

nobody stands up
a motorcycle officer.

I'm sorry, Sergeant,

but the men ain't
gonna stand for that.

What men? The platoon?

That bunch of goof-offs.

You think they care?

Well, Sergeant, you've been
with us ever since boot camp.

I don't know how we'd
get along without you.

Oh, come on.

I'm just a loud voice
that yells at you, that's all.

You come on back to the base with
me, Sergeant, and I'll prove you're wrong.

Wait till the men
hear. You'll see.

And they want me
to stay? Knock it off.

Come on. Let me prove it to
you. Come on back with me.

No, go on.

Come on, Sergeant, please.

Just let me show you how the news
that you're gonna leave's gonna affect 'em.

Well... I'll prove it.

Do you remember what you said
back when we was just recruits?

How you was gonna be
our mama and our daddy?

Why, you're one of the family.

You can't leave us. The
men would feel terrible.

Now, you wait right here,
Sergeant, till I tell 'em.

And you're gonna hear how
bad they gonna feel about it.

Look, Pyle, wait till
morning. They're all asleep.

No, Sergeant, they'd
never forgive me.

Now you just hold the
door open, right here.

(MAN SNORING)

Hey, everybody.

(ALL GRUMBLING)

ALL: Turn off the light!

Fellers. Fellers.

I wouldn't be doin' this if I didn't have
something really important to tell you.

Some mighty sad news.

You know, Sergeant Carter's
enlistment's up in three days.

And, well, he says he's gonna
quit us and go back to civilian life.

(ALL CHEERING)

All right, knock
it off! Knock it off!

So, you're glad to
be rid of me, huh?

Well, not half as glad as I
am to stop playing nursemaid

to a bunch of runny-nosed
civilians in Marine uniforms.

So laugh it up, you clowns.

But the last laugh goes to me.

Ex-Sergeant Carter. Ha!

"One of the family."
You knucklehead.

ALL: Hey, Gomer.

Gomer, what's the idea?
What was that, a gag?

I'm sorry, fellers.

I was in town, and I
run into Sergeant Carter,

and he was feelin' so low, and he
said how he wasn't gonna re-enlist again.

And I told him you all sure
would be sorry to hear about that,

and he said he didn't believe
me, and I said I'd prove it,

and he said I was wrong,
and I said, "Come on."

And we did, and I
was. Wrong, I mean.

And each time you go down
there, I want to see you eat that dirt.

Let me know you've been there.

And when we finish this,
I'll think of something else.

We could get a
sergeant like that.

Well, Carter made
you do pushups.

Yeah, well, what it is,
is we're used to him.

I mean, you can
get used to anything.

You know, floods,
tornadoes, volcanoes.

You can live with 'em.

This particular eruption
of ours, we're used to him.

Who knows what the
next one's gonna be like?

Yeah, that's just it.
That's what worries me.

That's an awful thing to live
with, the fear of the unknown.

Sure is. Back home, we had
this bottomless lake, you know,

and wouldn't nobody
go in swimmin' in it,

on account of it was bottomless.

Well, one summer, we didn't
have much rain, and it dried up.

It wasn't more than eight
feet deep, we found out.

What does that prove?

Well, it just seemed
to sort of fit in.

The way we got
to look at this thing,

he's a monster, but at
least he's our monster.

Who knows what we'd get next?

Yeah, we got to keep him.

We have to find
a way to keep him.

I kept telling you fellers that.

So how do we change his mind?

I don't see how he can leave
us, with us needing him like we do.

Maybe if we just kind of
goof up a little, you know?

Yeah, like we still needed
him around for everything.

Yeah, for drilling or whatever.

Hey, that's a good
idea, Duke, real good.

Yeah, if we goof,
he'll have to stay on

because he wouldn't wanna turn over a
fouled-up platoon to some new sergeant.

Hey, that's real good, Duke.
How do you think of things like that?

All right, secure that gear. Fall
in to the rear of the barracks.

That's all of you.
Let's move it.

All right, you got the picture?
Operation Foul-Up. Let's try it and see.

Let's spread the
word. Hey, you guys...

Right, left, right, left.

Right, left... Get
in step! Get in...

Squad, halt!

Well...

All of a sudden, my brave
little band can't even march.

Do you need a refresher
in close-order drill?

Well, do you?

ALL: Yes, Sergeant.

I can't hear you!

ALL: Yes, Sergeant! Yeah.

Yes, Sergeant... Knock
it off! You're at attention!

All right, you people
need close-order drill?

I'll drill you till you're
tongues hang out.

Forward, harch!

Right flank, haw!

To the right flank, haw!

Get in step! Get
in step! Get in step!

To the rear, harch!

As you were!

Fall in here.

Well, well, well.

Sure looks like we need some more
drillin', Sergeant. Sure looks like it.

I know I need some
more. Couldn't you...

Knock it off!

Now, you'll hear this,
you knuckleheads.

I'm gonna be with you two
more days, just two days.

I wish I could get
out today, but I can't.

And I'll tell you
something else.

I would hate to be the sergeant

taking over this
broken-down, miserable,

fouled-up, no-good
excuse for a platoon!

Dismissed!

Okay, okay, Operation
Foul-Up didn't work.

I still think it was
a good idea, Duke.

Yeah, but it didn't work,
Gomer. It backfired.

Now, what we got to do is use
the lessons the Sergeant taught us:

analyze our opponent, probe for
his weak point, and then attack.

How do you think of all
them things to say, Duke?

You know what? You're a
leader. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is the
Sergeant's weak point?

He ain't got none.

Oh, yes, he does.
Oh, yes, he does.

And you know what it is? Women.

And what's more apt to build up his
morale and make him sign up again

than a real gorgeous chick right here
on the base that's crazy about him?

Well, do you have
anyone in mind? Yep,

that new gorgeous gal that's
working in Administration.

Gee, I don't know.
She looks pretty frosty.

She was real warm to me.

You asked her for a date, Gomer?

No, for some Manila envelopes
for the morning reports.

We got to think
of something else.

No, no, no, we don't have time.

Now, this chick is a Marine

with a few variations,
but a Marine.

Now, would a Marine allow the
Corps to lose a man like Sergeant Carter

when it's just a matter of
going out with him for one night?

I don't know.
Well, let's find out.

You want me to go
out with that wolf?

Look, I happen to be going
steady with a gunnery sergeant,

who wouldn't appreciate
my dating Vince Carter at all.

So it's out. Is he
here on the base?

He's on a convoy, but
he'll be back tomorrow.

Perfect. No problem.

Except I won't do it.

Sally, when you were a little girl,
didn't you ever want to be a nurse?

Well, I don't know. Why?

Well, now your chance has come.
You're a nurse helping a sick man,

a man with a high fever
get through his hour of crisis.

It's the re-enlistment fever.

Pull him through the night, and
he'll be saved to the Marine Corps.

And, Sally, you'll have
our undying gratitude.

Why, I never heard nothing so
well said in all my put-togethers.

Well, I don't know.

Come on, Sally.
We'll stick real close.

Well, if you stick so close
we're never really alone.

Sure, we'll kind of
watch from a distance.

And you're not committing
yourself to anything. It's one date.

One date, but you
stick real close,

because what other girls have
told me about Sergeant Carter...

Lies, lies, all lies.

He's a fine man,
Sergeant Carter.

He's got an
honest, trustin' face.

I told you I had plans.

See, fellas, didn't I tell you,

Sergeant would have big
plans, his last night as a Marine?

Guess we should
have known, that's all.

There's something else
you should've known.

I wouldn't go out
with you donkeys

if I had nothing else
to do, which I have.

Well, we weren't asking you
to go out with us, Sergeant.

Well, it makes no difference,
of course, since he has plans.

Gee, I kind of hate to go
back and tell her the bad news.

Her? Who?

Who's her?

Well, you got plans.
Come on, fellas.

Who? Who? Who
are you talking about?

She's new here on the base, Sergeant,
and she's real pretty, though. Real pretty.

She knows all about you.

She even said... She's
shy, Sergeant, very shy.

Who, who, who? Who's she?

Well, since you're busy, I just
don't think it's fair to her to say.

Come on, fellas, let's go over to
Major Steele's office and tell her.

Major Steele's office?

Not that new girl who
works for Major Steele?

Yeah. Ain't she
pretty, Sergeant?

A bunch of wise guys, huh?

I couldn't even get that
girl to say hello to me.

Well, there you are,
Sarge. She's shy, very shy.

Oh, come off it.

Your masculinity frightened her.

Yeah, Sergeant, and you got a
lot of that. Masculinity, I mean.

Well...

No, couldn't be.

Ah, look, why argue?

A sensational girl flips, and he's
not interested. Come on, fellas.

Wait a minute, will you?

Look, if this is on the level,

I, uh, could change my plans.

Sergeant Carter,
you are a kind man.

We'll go tell her, Sarge.

Yeah, as soon as I grab a shower
and a shave, I'll be right there, huh?

Where do I meet her?

At the Enlisted Men's Club.

I'll be right there. Hey, but go
easy with her, Sarge. She's very shy.

Sure.

I sure hope you'll go
through with this, Sergeant.

She sure is countin' on...

(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC
PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

Sally, I think you
know Sergeant Carter.

Sergeant Carter, this
is Corporal Sally Peters.

How do you do, Sergeant?

Hello.

Why don't you make it Vince?

You two should get along real good
together, both of you being Marines.

I'll see you, guys.

Well, Sally, where
would you like to go?

Well, The Green Light is a
good place to eat and dance.

Why don't we go to The
Green Light, okay, Sergeant?

Vince.

(CHUCKLING)

(SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't know, I just don't feel
the same way about a civilian

as I do about a Marine.

You know what I
mean, huh, Vince?

Say that again.

The whole thing?

Just "Vince."

Well, so far, so good.

Hey, we don't have
to just stand here.

Let's scout some
of this action, Larry.

Gomer, keep your
eye on the Sarge, okay?

Okay, buddy. Come on.

Because I think the
Marine Corps is... is

the finest career
for a man there is.

Don't you?

Excuse me, I'd like
to go powder my nose.

Oh. Sure.

Hey, Sergeant.

Pyle, what are you doing here?

Oh, I just happened to stop in
for a bite to eat. How's it goin'?

Fine. Fine.

She's a nice lady
Marine, ain't she?

She likes you, huh?

What? Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I-I'll see you, Pyle.

Right.

Look, uh... I got a
great deal for you.

There's a triple feature
playin' down the street.

No. CARTER: Yeah.

A Jon Hall-Maria Montez
festival. How about it?

They take off their
parts real good.

Why don't you catch it, huh?

I mean, you don't want to hang
around here all the time, do you?

You could see me
every day, right?

Up until tomorrow when
you join the Anaheim Police.

Well, I'm not too
sure about that.

Sally and I just met, but...

You mean you're gonna
sign on again, Sergeant?

Why, that's just about the
best news a feller ever heard.

Listen, Pyle,

I'm starting to get someplace
with this shy little dish

and if I could just be
alone with her for a minute...

You know what I
mean, Gomer? Go now.

Okay, Sergeant.

Here she comes. I'm gonna dance
with her. Just be gone when I get back.

Right.

Well... Hey, Sally. Hello.

Oh.

Hey, Sergeant.

Nice little party you
got going on here.

Ain't it, though?
It's real nice.

Real operator, your friend.

Oh, girls just go out
of their mind over him.

Oh, is that so?

Yeah.

I, uh, I thought she
was going steady.

She is, but he won't
be back till tomorrow.

Hank. Sorry if I
got back too soon.

Oh, th-this isn't what you think...
Oh, well, that's good. What is it?

Well, I'll have to tell you
later. Who is this joker, baby?

I got a message for
you, lover-boy. Hank!

Oh, come on. I got
a lot to say to you.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

What was that all about?

That must be the feller she's
going steady with, wouldn't you say?

Gomer.

She's going steady?

Well, she did mention it when
we asked her to go out with you.

Gomer!

A bunch of jokers, huh?

You set this up to see
me get clobbered, is that it?

Why, we never.

But it worked out good, with
you decidin' to re-enlist again.

Me spend another three
years with you jokers?

Are you kidding?

You mean you changed your
mind again? You're gonna quit us?

As of 12:00 tomorrow, if you
ever want to see me again,

come to Anaheim!

I'll give you a parking ticket!

Fellers, I really think
he means it this time.

Well...

Not bad, huh?

Sharp. Real sharp.

Well, Cuccinelli, now it's
just a matter of the clock.

In exactly four minutes, I will
be out of the Marine Corps.

Your watch is slow.
You're already out.

Yeah?

How's it feel?

Good.

Real good.

Sure.

I'm really out, huh?

(LAUGHING)

Hey, here.

Why don't you take
my dress blues, huh?

Uh, you keep them, Vince.

You know, if you should change your mind,
you still got 24 hours to sign up again.

I'm not changing
my mind. I've had it.

Sure.

Sure, Vince, sure.

But just in case.

Are you saying
goodbye to your platoon?

Why should I?

Well, they'll expect it. Go on.

After what they did to me?

Vince, okay, you're getting out.

You're getting out,
but do it with class.

You don't just walk
away from your men.

Yeah.

Maybe you're right.

It'll be a pleasure to say
goodbye to those meatheads.

They're waiting for you.

Go ahead.

You just wait. He still
may change his mind.

I know Sergeant Carter.
He wouldn't quit us. No, sir.

Gomer, he walked.
Face it, who needs him?

GOMER: Hey, it's
Sergeant Carter.

Hey, Sergeant.

What are you yelling about,
Gomer? All I see is a civilian.

Well, boys, this is it.

I just came to say goodbye.

In spite of everything,
I... In spite of what?

You wanted to quit, so you quit.

I have every right.

Sure, he's doing the
patriotic thing, fellas.

By chalking tires at Anaheim, he's
releasing an able-bodied woman

for duty with the Marine Corps.

All right, wise guys, you
will treat me with respect!

I think you're over-parked.

That's a real nice
jacket, Sergeant.

Now, look, if you think I...

"I can't hear you."

I said, if you think I...

DUKE: All together, fellas.

ALL: "I can't hear you."

(ALL LAUGHING)

I sure am gonna miss him.

Why, he went all the way through
boot camp infantry training with us.

Sure gonna miss him.

Well, don't you
understand, Gomer?

We didn't quit him. He quit us.

All right, listen up.

Knock it off, civilian.

I said, listen up.

When your Platoon
Sergeant enters the barracks,

you will give him your
immediate and silent attention.

There's just one little mistake
there, buddy. You are not a sergeant.

In 14 more years at Anaheim,

you might work your
way back up to a corporal.

But as of now, you're just a man

with a fat neck and a red
face and a funny jacket.

I like that jacket, Sergeant.

Pyle...

Can you read, Pyle?

I can read real good.
Not fast, but good.

Well, read this.

Ten-hut!

He re-enlisted. The
Sergeant, he re-enlisted.

Huh? On your feet!

All right.

You know what it's
gonna be like around here?

Well, I will tell you.

Just picture everything
that has gone before

as a little pink tea
party with ladyfingers.

But from now on, you
are going to shape up.

And the man with the fat neck

and the red face
and the funny jacket

is gonna be on your back
every minute of every day.

Before I'm through
with you, you will...

What are you
grinning about, Pyle?

It sure seems like old
times, don't it, Sergeant?

Wipe that smile off your face.

Yes, sir.

All of you. Wipe them
smiles off your faces!

Do you hear me? I
said wipe them off!

This platoon is
going to shape up!

I will have order here!

(MOODY JAZZ PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

Hey, Sergeant.

Hello, Pyle.

I was passing by outside
there, and I looked in the window

and I said to myself, "That
looks like Sergeant Carter."

And you know what? It was me.

Yeah.

You headed back to the base?

Yeah, but I can sit with
you for a minute. Oh.

This really is kind
of a lonely life.

That's the reason I admire
you so much for signin' on again.

That's the reason I
wanted to say to you that...

Twenty minutes, baby?

That's the reason I
wanted to say to you...

Did Sally introduce you?

Sally? What's she
got to do with it?

Well, I knew how bad she
felt about what happened,

and with her being spoken for
and all, I just thought that she...

I can operate on my own, Pyle.

What's this girl got
to do with Sally?

Nothing.

But Hank, that big sergeant
that took that punch at you,

that's his little sister.

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