Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 16 - Dance, Marine, Dance - full transcript
Gomer's conned into signing a contract for dancing lessons.
(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.
Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.
Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.
Millard. Here.
Slater. Here.
Davenport. DAVENPORT: Here.
Coogan. Here.
Moskawich.
Philadelphia. Lois Freeder.
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Right!
Here's your next one.
Uh, Atlanta, Georgia.
Sally Rose Johnson.
Right. That's amazing,
Duke. How do you do that?
Very easy, Gomer.
I just make sure I never give
any of them the same perfume.
Pyle!
Here! Here I am!
Spencer. Yo!
Balkowitz. Yeah.
Kyle. Here.
Hey, you wanna smell?
(SNIFFS)
Phew! Gomer, that
smells like gasoline.
It is. It's from Wally.
The feller I used to work for
at the fillin' station back home.
You're so good at guessin',
see if you can
guess what this is.
Regular or high-octane?
(CHUCKLES)
Oppenheim. Yeah.
Mitchell.
"Dear Gomer." That's
the way he starts.
Gomer, read it to
yourself, will you, buddy?
Don't you wanna
hear Wally's letter?
Do I have to?
Well, he writes
a real nice letter.
Okay, let's hear it.
"Dear Gomer, enclosed
you'll find some mail
"that was sent to you
here at the filling station.
"Regards, Wally."
That's it?
Uh-huh. Ain't that nice?
It's real short
and to the point.
Yeah. You ought to save them.
Put them in a book
someday, you know?
The Life and Letters
of Gomer Pyle.
I can always tell when
you're pullin' my leg, Duke.
You get an insincere
look in your eyes.
Hey, Duke, listen to this.
"Don't be a wallflower.
"Be the life of the
party. Learn to dance.
"This ticket entitles
you to one free lesson
"at the Plaza Dance Studio."
What good does that
do you, Gome? It's...
Dance studio's in Mayberry.
Ain't that a shame?
A free dance lesson,
and I have to pass it up.
You know how to dance,
Gomer. I've seen you.
Yeah, but they got some
new things out nowadays.
You know, them
South American steps?
Well, if you're so
anxious to learn,
why don't you go to a
dance studio here in town?
There's one on Grant Street.
I've passed it a lot of times.
I will, Duke. The
very next liberty.
Good. And when you
become another Fred Astaire,
don't forget your
old buddy Duke.
You got that
insincere look again.
Look, why don't you admit
it? You made a mistake.
So let's just pack up
and get out of here.
I told you. We're not leaving.
This is one of the fastest-growing
towns in the country.
I'm tellin' you, there's a lot of money
here, and we can get some of it.
Well, when you do, give
$75 of it to the landlord.
Was he here again?
Yeah, about 10 minutes
before you came in.
75 bucks a month
for this firetrap.
Three weeks I've
been sitting here,
three weeks just waiting for
somebody to come through that door.
Just one patsy.
Hey, there.
Well, well, well,
one of our fighting
men in uniform.
It's always nice to welcome
one of our boys in the service.
Are you Mr. Fay?
That's right, and
this is Mrs. Fay.
Our friends call us
Fred and Ginger.
Well, hey, Fred. Hey, Ginger.
My name's Gomer Pyle.
Private Gomer Pyle,
and I got this in the mail.
I was just wonderin'
if you people have a
plan like that one there,
and if you do,
I'd like to get my free
dance lesson here.
I can dance some, but
I wanna get a whack at
is some of that
South American stuff.
Well, as a matter of fact,
we do have reciprocal agreements
with other dance studios throughout
the United States and Canada.
Now, I'll check and see if the Plaza
Dance Studio in Mayberry is listed.
May I have the reciprocal
agreement, Ginger?
Oh, oh, the reciprocal
agreement, yes.
Thank you.
All right, let's see here.
Uh, P, P, P, P, P.
Ah, Plaza Dance
Studio, Mayberry.
There we go, Gomer, we can
give you the free dance lesson.
Well, I sure would
be much obliged.
And there is no time
like the present to start.
Ginger, give Gomer
his free lesson.
Oh, I'd love to.
(LAUGHS)
Ain't I lucky?
Imagine you folks havin' the same
kind of plan they got back home!
(LAUGHS)
I hope I don't dance
too bad for you.
Oh, I'll bet you'll be
the best pupil
I've had in weeks.
Oh, Ginger,
may I speak to you for a second?
Look, this clown could be
our "in" at the Marine base.
Sweetie, leave it to me.
Oh, yes, we'll start
with the cha-cha-cha,
but before we put the record on,
let me just show you
the basic counts, all right?
All right.
Now, you come right here.
And we begin,
and one, two,
three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three. Good, Gomer.
Two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three. Now keep
your shoulders up.
Cha-cha-cha.
You can relax a little bit.
And cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three,
cha-cha-cha, two, three...
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Whoo!
Whoo, that was
some workout, Gomer!
Well, you did just fine.
You mean an hour's up already?
Yes, as a matter of fact,
it's been an hour
and 15 minutes.
Boy, don't time fly
when you're havin' fun?
Oh, that was just
fine, Gomer, fine.
I can't tell you how much I
appreciate your kindness.
It was real nice of you
to give me that
free dance lesson.
Thank you, Ginger.
Thank you, Fred.
It was a pleasure
meetin' both of you.
Well, I expect I better
be gettin' back now,
so, bye.
Well, now, hold
it. Wait a minute.
Uh, what about
your other lessons?
You just can't quit
after your first free one.
You mean I get
more free lessons?
Well, no, only the
first one is free,
but that is given
on the condition
that you sign up
for a full course.
Oh, I didn't know
about that. Of course.
Otherwise, we'd just be in
business to give free lessons.
And we'd like to do that,
because we enjoy our work,
but we have to pay the rent.
Now, you could take
our minimum course,
which is 10
lessons for only $50.
$50?
Oh, well, it would be for
your own good, Gomer.
With only one lesson
under your belt,
you'd be a menace
on that dance floor.
GINGER: Fred's right, Gomer.
That would be like giving
someone one driving lesson
and then turning them
loose on the highway.
Yeah, but $50...
Well, now, I said you
could take that course,
but I wouldn't
advise it for you.
No, I think you'd be better
off with our 3-month plan.
Now, that costs $100,
but you have three
months to pay.
And that comes to just
a little over $33 a month.
Well, that's a little better.
Maybe the 6-month plan would
be even better than that, Fred.
That's only $25 a month.
Well, actually, I
think the 2-year plan
would be cheaper, Ginger.
That would come
to just $20 a month.
You know, the 5-year plan
would be even cheaper.
After only one small
down payment, Gomer,
all you'd have to
pay is $15 a month.
What do you think?
Well, I don't know.
I'm only a private, and
we don't make much.
Don't you have a
serviceman's rate, maybe?
Oh, I understand, Gomer, but...
Now, why didn't I think of it?
I have the perfect plan for you,
tailor-made for the
man with a small income.
It's our cheapest course.
What's that? I don't
know why I didn't think of it.
It's our lifetime plan.
Lifetime plan? That's right.
Now, our lifetime plan
enables you to take as
many lessons as you want
when you want them
at any one of our studios
throughout the world!
Well, how much is that one?
Well, according to
our mortality rates,
a fellow your age
on the lifetime plan
would wind up paying
an average of 8 cents a lesson.
Only 8 cents?
Well, I sure ought to be
able to afford 8 cents a lesson.
That's good.
Now, if you'll just
sign these contracts,
both copies, please.
Lifetime contract, huh?
Good anywhere in the world.
(LAUGHING) Shazam!
Cha-cha-cha, three,
two, cha-cha-cha,
shoulders back, cha-cha-cha,
relax, cha-cha-cha,
that's fine, Gomer...
Two, two, cha-cha-cha,
four, two, cha-cha-cha.
Pyle!
Oh, hey, Sergeant.
I finished my noon chow early
so I could come
back and do this.
What do you think you're doing?
Practicin' my cha-cha.
Do you cha-cha?
Pyle, this is a Marine
barracks, not a ballet school.
Knock it off.
I'm sorry, Sergeant.
I was just practicin' so I'd
be better for my next lesson.
Your what?
My next lesson. I signed
up for dancin' lessons.
You signed up for what?
Dancin' lessons, over
at the Fay Dance Studio.
They gave me this free
lesson, and then I signed up...
You signed something? Did
you sign a piece of paper?
Uh-huh, I signed a...
Let me see what you
signed. Let me see it!
A lifetime contract?
Uh-huh. And they gave
me a badge and everything.
How many times do I
have to tell you, Pyle,
you don't sign anything!
Pyle, how many times
do I have to tell you
that Marines are easy prey
for crooks and swindlers?
These are con artists,
and you have been conned!
Oh, no, Sergeant...
The minute you have
to sign something,
you can smell the swindle!
But, Sergeant, if I just...
Tonight, right after chow, you're
gonna take me over to that school.
I'm gonna meet these crumbs,
and I'm gonna get
you out of this thing.
But I don't wanna get out.
I'm gonna get you out of it!
But, Sergeant... Out,
out! I'm gonna get you out!
This is the place right here.
But I don't really wanna
get out of it, Sergeant.
Now, Pyle, I'm doing
this for your own good.
Wait right here.
I'll be right back.
Well, well, well,
one of our fighting
men in uniform!
It's always nice to welcome
one of our boys in the service.
Can I help you, Sergeant?
You sure can.
I'll say you can.
One of my men was in
here yesterday. Gomer Pyle.
He tells me that... Who?
Gomer Pyle.
He tells me that you people
sold him a lifetime membership.
Uh, Fred, did you see
the way he walked?
If I didn't see it
with my own eyes,
I wouldn't have believed it.
Walk toward us again.
Huh?
Just back up and
walk toward us again.
I... I wanna see something.
There.
Now come on.
Come on.
Amazing!
A man so strong and so muscular,
and he walks as softly as a cat.
Yes, like a large cat.
Sergeant...
Dance a couple of steps for me.
What?
Oh, for me, please.
Well, maybe the Sergeant is a
little self-conscious with an audience.
I've got some work
to do in the back.
Shall we?
(HUMMING)
Just like a cat.
Like a big, graceful cat.
Hmm.
Hey, Sergeant.
How did it go? Did
you have any trouble?
Pyle, you don't understand
anything, do you?
Huh?
You fool, you ought to
have your head examined,
signing a lifetime contract
for dancing lessons.
I'm sorry, Sergeant.
You should have taken
the 5-year plan, like I did!
MAILMAN: Carter. Yo!
Davenport.
Hey, I got a letter
from the dance studio.
They're writin' to me
like we was pen pals.
You got one from
'em, too, Sergeant.
MAILMAN: Davenport! Here.
Coogan! Here.
What?
What's the matter, Sergeant?
Well, it's a bill.
A bill for $250!
You see, Sergeant?
I told you not to
take that 5-year plan.
That's the one with
the big down payment.
You should have taken
a lifetime plan, like me.
My bill's only $10
a month for life.
$250?
(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Sergeant!
Wait, and I'll dance over there.
Relax, I'll lead, Gomer.
Soon as I learn how to lead,
I'll be able to dance in
any direction I want to.
Gomer's just about
finished, Sergeant.
Are you ready for
your lesson today?
I'm not taking a lesson today.
You're not?
I'm not taking a lesson
today or any other day.
Well, is something
the matter, Sergeant?
You bet there is. This
contract. I want out.
I sure am sorry, Sergeant.
I thought we'd be
kind of like classmates.
Pyle, can't you see
what's going on here?
This whole dance
school is a swindle.
A swindle?
It's a racket!
Nothing but a racket!
Well, how are our two
star pupils getting along?
Gomer's doing just fine, dear,
but Sergeant Carter
seems to have a problem.
Oh. Something I can
help you with, Sergeant?
Yeah. I'm quittin'.
I wanna be let
out of my contract.
The Sergeant thinks
he's being swindled.
Oh. Well, this is
hard to believe.
Is this true, Sergeant?
That's right.
Well, Sergeant, I'm
a reasonable man,
and this is a
respectable business.
We don't believe in
pressuring people.
Now, if you don't
want any more lessons,
you don't have to
take any more lessons.
I don't? Of course not.
If you don't want any,
you don't have to take any.
Well, that's...
That's awfully decent of you.
Not at all.
Well, I...
Guess I'll be going.
Coming, Pyle? Sure, Sergeant.
FRED: Oh, Sergeant.
Didn't you forget something?
Forget something?
Yes. The first
installment on your bill.
$250.
But you said I didn't
have to take the lessons.
That's right. You don't
have to take the lessons.
You just have to pay the bills.
What are you trying to do?
Now, look, buddy,
we are not running
a charity ball.
You signed a contract,
you're gonna pay.
We'll see about
that! Well, you will!
I will not!
You want me to
bring legal action?
Do you want me to
bring legal action?
(BOTH YELLING)
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Now, I know that
there's a way out of this.
Mr. Fay, why don't you tear
up the Sergeant's contract
like he wants you to?
And, Sergeant, why don't
you sign a new contract?
A lifetime one, like I got.
It's only pennies a day.
Now, what can I do for you?
Well, sir, you see,
I'm a sergeant,
and I got a lot of men under me.
My job is not only teaching
them how to be Marines,
but I gotta be, like,
uh, a buddy to 'em.
Most of 'em are just young kids
who've never been
away from home before,
and they get clipped by
every kind of con game there is.
Yes, Sergeant, I know.
Well, I try to steer them
clear of these crooks,
but when these
kids go into town,
I can't keep my eye
on every one of them.
Oh, I understand.
Well, there's this
dance studio in town.
Now it's a clip joint
if ever I saw one.
They get these kids in there
and make them sign their
lives away for dancing lessons!
And one of your men
signed a contract?
Yes, sir.
And you want me to
help him get out of it.
Well, not really. He's
happy with the lessons.
Well, just what is it
you want me to do?
Help me get out of mine.
You, Sergeant?
You signed one
of those contracts?
Well, yes, sir, I...
Actually, I... I did it
because I was trying to
trap 'em.
Yeah, that's it! I
was trying to trap 'em!
Well, it seems your
little scheme backfired.
It looks like they trapped you.
Yeah.
It looks like that.
You got the contract with you?
Yes, sir.
"Fay Dance Studio."
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Well, it all seems
in good order.
But I want out.
I'm afraid, Sergeant,
there's nothing you can do.
The contract is legal.
You can't get out of it
unless they let you out of it.
You mean I gotta
pay all that money?
Yes, I'm sorry to say.
As long as the dance
studio provides the services
they promise you
in this contract,
a suitable place,
a qualified partner,
made reasonably
available to you,
this contract is binding.
And there's nothing I can do?
Nothing.
I, uh, do have one
suggestion, Sergeant.
Yes, sir?
Buy yourself a pair of dancing
shoes. You'll need them.
Laundry: $5.75.
Insurance: $17.50.
Company fund: $10.
Allotment for mother: $50.
Dancing lessons: $250.
Hey, Sergeant.
You ain't very happy,
are you, Sergeant?
No, I'm not.
Well, I sure wish there was
something I could do to cheer you up.
I feel like this whole
thing's my fault.
I said forget it!
Maybe if you went and took a
dancin' lesson with me tonight,
you'd feel better.
It's kind of lonesome
there without you.
You miss me, huh?
Uh-huh. Not only me, but
Fred and Ginger miss you, too.
I'll bet.
In fact, Fred said if you didn't
come back to see him soon,
he was gonna ask the
company commander
if he couldn't come
here and see you.
He said that? That's right.
There's just one thing I
don't understand, Sergeant.
If you've got to pay for
them dancin' lessons,
how come you don't take 'em?
Look, if you're gonna take
a dancing lesson tonight, go!
Just leave me alone!
Hey, Sergeant, I got an idea.
Good! Now go!
Now, wait a minute. Listen.
Why don't I scout around
for somebody to take
over your contract?
Swell. Why stop with
one? Why stop with one?
Why not get two, three, four...
Why not get the whole
base to take dancing lessons?
Well, I don't know
about... Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Did you hear what I just said?
Look, you're going there
for a dancing lesson tonight?
Get a stack of those contracts.
Lots and lots of contracts!
Sign these contracts
and hand them back.
Just sign them
and do as I tell you.
Pass the rest of
these out, down there.
What's this all about? Who
wants dance lessons anyway?
Just sign the contract! Sign it.
Yeah, but why do we have to...
Don't ask so many
questions. Sign it! Sign it!
But I still don't see why...
Sign it! Sign it!
Sergeant, I can't tell
you how happy I feel.
But why did you change
your mind about my place for
and bring me all the business?
Well, Fred... Do you
mind if I call you Fred?
Please!
Well, Fred, I got to thinking.
It's not such a
bad deal after all.
I mean, dancing is exercise.
It could be good for the men!
It's wonderful! Wonderful!
(LAUGHING)
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
When are we gonna
get to do our tango?
Go, man, go, go, go!
Drop this minuet and
put on some steam, baby!
When are we gonna
get to do our tango?
We ain't done our tango yet.
Oh, I quit!
I quit!
You can't quit! You can't quit!
We got contracts. Right, fellas?
ALL: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Contracts? Oh, yeah?
Well, we'll just see about that!
Contracts, my foot!
Ginger, what are you doing?
(YELLS)
She's tearin' up
all the contracts.
Yeah, how about that?
GINGER: I quit! I quit!
She didn't get mine.
She still owes me a tango.
You're a free man, Pyle.
You're free, I'm free.
She tore up my contract!
I still never did get to tango.
Okay, Duke, close your
eyes. Here's the first one.
MAILMAN: Coogan.
Moskawich. Here.
Forget it, Gomer.
I got so overheated dancing
last night, I caught a cold.
Carter. CARTER: Right here.
Well, at least I know it's
not a bill from a dance studio.
Somerville. Here.
Stahl. Right here.
Watson.
How about that?
It's a bill from a
lawyer for $100.
Did you sign up for some
law lessons, Sergeant?
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.
Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.
Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.
Millard. Here.
Slater. Here.
Davenport. DAVENPORT: Here.
Coogan. Here.
Moskawich.
Philadelphia. Lois Freeder.
(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Right!
Here's your next one.
Uh, Atlanta, Georgia.
Sally Rose Johnson.
Right. That's amazing,
Duke. How do you do that?
Very easy, Gomer.
I just make sure I never give
any of them the same perfume.
Pyle!
Here! Here I am!
Spencer. Yo!
Balkowitz. Yeah.
Kyle. Here.
Hey, you wanna smell?
(SNIFFS)
Phew! Gomer, that
smells like gasoline.
It is. It's from Wally.
The feller I used to work for
at the fillin' station back home.
You're so good at guessin',
see if you can
guess what this is.
Regular or high-octane?
(CHUCKLES)
Oppenheim. Yeah.
Mitchell.
"Dear Gomer." That's
the way he starts.
Gomer, read it to
yourself, will you, buddy?
Don't you wanna
hear Wally's letter?
Do I have to?
Well, he writes
a real nice letter.
Okay, let's hear it.
"Dear Gomer, enclosed
you'll find some mail
"that was sent to you
here at the filling station.
"Regards, Wally."
That's it?
Uh-huh. Ain't that nice?
It's real short
and to the point.
Yeah. You ought to save them.
Put them in a book
someday, you know?
The Life and Letters
of Gomer Pyle.
I can always tell when
you're pullin' my leg, Duke.
You get an insincere
look in your eyes.
Hey, Duke, listen to this.
"Don't be a wallflower.
"Be the life of the
party. Learn to dance.
"This ticket entitles
you to one free lesson
"at the Plaza Dance Studio."
What good does that
do you, Gome? It's...
Dance studio's in Mayberry.
Ain't that a shame?
A free dance lesson,
and I have to pass it up.
You know how to dance,
Gomer. I've seen you.
Yeah, but they got some
new things out nowadays.
You know, them
South American steps?
Well, if you're so
anxious to learn,
why don't you go to a
dance studio here in town?
There's one on Grant Street.
I've passed it a lot of times.
I will, Duke. The
very next liberty.
Good. And when you
become another Fred Astaire,
don't forget your
old buddy Duke.
You got that
insincere look again.
Look, why don't you admit
it? You made a mistake.
So let's just pack up
and get out of here.
I told you. We're not leaving.
This is one of the fastest-growing
towns in the country.
I'm tellin' you, there's a lot of money
here, and we can get some of it.
Well, when you do, give
$75 of it to the landlord.
Was he here again?
Yeah, about 10 minutes
before you came in.
75 bucks a month
for this firetrap.
Three weeks I've
been sitting here,
three weeks just waiting for
somebody to come through that door.
Just one patsy.
Hey, there.
Well, well, well,
one of our fighting
men in uniform.
It's always nice to welcome
one of our boys in the service.
Are you Mr. Fay?
That's right, and
this is Mrs. Fay.
Our friends call us
Fred and Ginger.
Well, hey, Fred. Hey, Ginger.
My name's Gomer Pyle.
Private Gomer Pyle,
and I got this in the mail.
I was just wonderin'
if you people have a
plan like that one there,
and if you do,
I'd like to get my free
dance lesson here.
I can dance some, but
I wanna get a whack at
is some of that
South American stuff.
Well, as a matter of fact,
we do have reciprocal agreements
with other dance studios throughout
the United States and Canada.
Now, I'll check and see if the Plaza
Dance Studio in Mayberry is listed.
May I have the reciprocal
agreement, Ginger?
Oh, oh, the reciprocal
agreement, yes.
Thank you.
All right, let's see here.
Uh, P, P, P, P, P.
Ah, Plaza Dance
Studio, Mayberry.
There we go, Gomer, we can
give you the free dance lesson.
Well, I sure would
be much obliged.
And there is no time
like the present to start.
Ginger, give Gomer
his free lesson.
Oh, I'd love to.
(LAUGHS)
Ain't I lucky?
Imagine you folks havin' the same
kind of plan they got back home!
(LAUGHS)
I hope I don't dance
too bad for you.
Oh, I'll bet you'll be
the best pupil
I've had in weeks.
Oh, Ginger,
may I speak to you for a second?
Look, this clown could be
our "in" at the Marine base.
Sweetie, leave it to me.
Oh, yes, we'll start
with the cha-cha-cha,
but before we put the record on,
let me just show you
the basic counts, all right?
All right.
Now, you come right here.
And we begin,
and one, two,
three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three. Good, Gomer.
Two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three. Now keep
your shoulders up.
Cha-cha-cha.
You can relax a little bit.
And cha-cha-cha,
two, three, cha-cha-cha,
two, three,
cha-cha-cha, two, three...
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Whoo!
Whoo, that was
some workout, Gomer!
Well, you did just fine.
You mean an hour's up already?
Yes, as a matter of fact,
it's been an hour
and 15 minutes.
Boy, don't time fly
when you're havin' fun?
Oh, that was just
fine, Gomer, fine.
I can't tell you how much I
appreciate your kindness.
It was real nice of you
to give me that
free dance lesson.
Thank you, Ginger.
Thank you, Fred.
It was a pleasure
meetin' both of you.
Well, I expect I better
be gettin' back now,
so, bye.
Well, now, hold
it. Wait a minute.
Uh, what about
your other lessons?
You just can't quit
after your first free one.
You mean I get
more free lessons?
Well, no, only the
first one is free,
but that is given
on the condition
that you sign up
for a full course.
Oh, I didn't know
about that. Of course.
Otherwise, we'd just be in
business to give free lessons.
And we'd like to do that,
because we enjoy our work,
but we have to pay the rent.
Now, you could take
our minimum course,
which is 10
lessons for only $50.
$50?
Oh, well, it would be for
your own good, Gomer.
With only one lesson
under your belt,
you'd be a menace
on that dance floor.
GINGER: Fred's right, Gomer.
That would be like giving
someone one driving lesson
and then turning them
loose on the highway.
Yeah, but $50...
Well, now, I said you
could take that course,
but I wouldn't
advise it for you.
No, I think you'd be better
off with our 3-month plan.
Now, that costs $100,
but you have three
months to pay.
And that comes to just
a little over $33 a month.
Well, that's a little better.
Maybe the 6-month plan would
be even better than that, Fred.
That's only $25 a month.
Well, actually, I
think the 2-year plan
would be cheaper, Ginger.
That would come
to just $20 a month.
You know, the 5-year plan
would be even cheaper.
After only one small
down payment, Gomer,
all you'd have to
pay is $15 a month.
What do you think?
Well, I don't know.
I'm only a private, and
we don't make much.
Don't you have a
serviceman's rate, maybe?
Oh, I understand, Gomer, but...
Now, why didn't I think of it?
I have the perfect plan for you,
tailor-made for the
man with a small income.
It's our cheapest course.
What's that? I don't
know why I didn't think of it.
It's our lifetime plan.
Lifetime plan? That's right.
Now, our lifetime plan
enables you to take as
many lessons as you want
when you want them
at any one of our studios
throughout the world!
Well, how much is that one?
Well, according to
our mortality rates,
a fellow your age
on the lifetime plan
would wind up paying
an average of 8 cents a lesson.
Only 8 cents?
Well, I sure ought to be
able to afford 8 cents a lesson.
That's good.
Now, if you'll just
sign these contracts,
both copies, please.
Lifetime contract, huh?
Good anywhere in the world.
(LAUGHING) Shazam!
Cha-cha-cha, three,
two, cha-cha-cha,
shoulders back, cha-cha-cha,
relax, cha-cha-cha,
that's fine, Gomer...
Two, two, cha-cha-cha,
four, two, cha-cha-cha.
Pyle!
Oh, hey, Sergeant.
I finished my noon chow early
so I could come
back and do this.
What do you think you're doing?
Practicin' my cha-cha.
Do you cha-cha?
Pyle, this is a Marine
barracks, not a ballet school.
Knock it off.
I'm sorry, Sergeant.
I was just practicin' so I'd
be better for my next lesson.
Your what?
My next lesson. I signed
up for dancin' lessons.
You signed up for what?
Dancin' lessons, over
at the Fay Dance Studio.
They gave me this free
lesson, and then I signed up...
You signed something? Did
you sign a piece of paper?
Uh-huh, I signed a...
Let me see what you
signed. Let me see it!
A lifetime contract?
Uh-huh. And they gave
me a badge and everything.
How many times do I
have to tell you, Pyle,
you don't sign anything!
Pyle, how many times
do I have to tell you
that Marines are easy prey
for crooks and swindlers?
These are con artists,
and you have been conned!
Oh, no, Sergeant...
The minute you have
to sign something,
you can smell the swindle!
But, Sergeant, if I just...
Tonight, right after chow, you're
gonna take me over to that school.
I'm gonna meet these crumbs,
and I'm gonna get
you out of this thing.
But I don't wanna get out.
I'm gonna get you out of it!
But, Sergeant... Out,
out! I'm gonna get you out!
This is the place right here.
But I don't really wanna
get out of it, Sergeant.
Now, Pyle, I'm doing
this for your own good.
Wait right here.
I'll be right back.
Well, well, well,
one of our fighting
men in uniform!
It's always nice to welcome
one of our boys in the service.
Can I help you, Sergeant?
You sure can.
I'll say you can.
One of my men was in
here yesterday. Gomer Pyle.
He tells me that... Who?
Gomer Pyle.
He tells me that you people
sold him a lifetime membership.
Uh, Fred, did you see
the way he walked?
If I didn't see it
with my own eyes,
I wouldn't have believed it.
Walk toward us again.
Huh?
Just back up and
walk toward us again.
I... I wanna see something.
There.
Now come on.
Come on.
Amazing!
A man so strong and so muscular,
and he walks as softly as a cat.
Yes, like a large cat.
Sergeant...
Dance a couple of steps for me.
What?
Oh, for me, please.
Well, maybe the Sergeant is a
little self-conscious with an audience.
I've got some work
to do in the back.
Shall we?
(HUMMING)
Just like a cat.
Like a big, graceful cat.
Hmm.
Hey, Sergeant.
How did it go? Did
you have any trouble?
Pyle, you don't understand
anything, do you?
Huh?
You fool, you ought to
have your head examined,
signing a lifetime contract
for dancing lessons.
I'm sorry, Sergeant.
You should have taken
the 5-year plan, like I did!
MAILMAN: Carter. Yo!
Davenport.
Hey, I got a letter
from the dance studio.
They're writin' to me
like we was pen pals.
You got one from
'em, too, Sergeant.
MAILMAN: Davenport! Here.
Coogan! Here.
What?
What's the matter, Sergeant?
Well, it's a bill.
A bill for $250!
You see, Sergeant?
I told you not to
take that 5-year plan.
That's the one with
the big down payment.
You should have taken
a lifetime plan, like me.
My bill's only $10
a month for life.
$250?
(TANGO MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey, Sergeant!
Wait, and I'll dance over there.
Relax, I'll lead, Gomer.
Soon as I learn how to lead,
I'll be able to dance in
any direction I want to.
Gomer's just about
finished, Sergeant.
Are you ready for
your lesson today?
I'm not taking a lesson today.
You're not?
I'm not taking a lesson
today or any other day.
Well, is something
the matter, Sergeant?
You bet there is. This
contract. I want out.
I sure am sorry, Sergeant.
I thought we'd be
kind of like classmates.
Pyle, can't you see
what's going on here?
This whole dance
school is a swindle.
A swindle?
It's a racket!
Nothing but a racket!
Well, how are our two
star pupils getting along?
Gomer's doing just fine, dear,
but Sergeant Carter
seems to have a problem.
Oh. Something I can
help you with, Sergeant?
Yeah. I'm quittin'.
I wanna be let
out of my contract.
The Sergeant thinks
he's being swindled.
Oh. Well, this is
hard to believe.
Is this true, Sergeant?
That's right.
Well, Sergeant, I'm
a reasonable man,
and this is a
respectable business.
We don't believe in
pressuring people.
Now, if you don't
want any more lessons,
you don't have to
take any more lessons.
I don't? Of course not.
If you don't want any,
you don't have to take any.
Well, that's...
That's awfully decent of you.
Not at all.
Well, I...
Guess I'll be going.
Coming, Pyle? Sure, Sergeant.
FRED: Oh, Sergeant.
Didn't you forget something?
Forget something?
Yes. The first
installment on your bill.
$250.
But you said I didn't
have to take the lessons.
That's right. You don't
have to take the lessons.
You just have to pay the bills.
What are you trying to do?
Now, look, buddy,
we are not running
a charity ball.
You signed a contract,
you're gonna pay.
We'll see about
that! Well, you will!
I will not!
You want me to
bring legal action?
Do you want me to
bring legal action?
(BOTH YELLING)
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
Now, I know that
there's a way out of this.
Mr. Fay, why don't you tear
up the Sergeant's contract
like he wants you to?
And, Sergeant, why don't
you sign a new contract?
A lifetime one, like I got.
It's only pennies a day.
Now, what can I do for you?
Well, sir, you see,
I'm a sergeant,
and I got a lot of men under me.
My job is not only teaching
them how to be Marines,
but I gotta be, like,
uh, a buddy to 'em.
Most of 'em are just young kids
who've never been
away from home before,
and they get clipped by
every kind of con game there is.
Yes, Sergeant, I know.
Well, I try to steer them
clear of these crooks,
but when these
kids go into town,
I can't keep my eye
on every one of them.
Oh, I understand.
Well, there's this
dance studio in town.
Now it's a clip joint
if ever I saw one.
They get these kids in there
and make them sign their
lives away for dancing lessons!
And one of your men
signed a contract?
Yes, sir.
And you want me to
help him get out of it.
Well, not really. He's
happy with the lessons.
Well, just what is it
you want me to do?
Help me get out of mine.
You, Sergeant?
You signed one
of those contracts?
Well, yes, sir, I...
Actually, I... I did it
because I was trying to
trap 'em.
Yeah, that's it! I
was trying to trap 'em!
Well, it seems your
little scheme backfired.
It looks like they trapped you.
Yeah.
It looks like that.
You got the contract with you?
Yes, sir.
"Fay Dance Studio."
Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Well, it all seems
in good order.
But I want out.
I'm afraid, Sergeant,
there's nothing you can do.
The contract is legal.
You can't get out of it
unless they let you out of it.
You mean I gotta
pay all that money?
Yes, I'm sorry to say.
As long as the dance
studio provides the services
they promise you
in this contract,
a suitable place,
a qualified partner,
made reasonably
available to you,
this contract is binding.
And there's nothing I can do?
Nothing.
I, uh, do have one
suggestion, Sergeant.
Yes, sir?
Buy yourself a pair of dancing
shoes. You'll need them.
Laundry: $5.75.
Insurance: $17.50.
Company fund: $10.
Allotment for mother: $50.
Dancing lessons: $250.
Hey, Sergeant.
You ain't very happy,
are you, Sergeant?
No, I'm not.
Well, I sure wish there was
something I could do to cheer you up.
I feel like this whole
thing's my fault.
I said forget it!
Maybe if you went and took a
dancin' lesson with me tonight,
you'd feel better.
It's kind of lonesome
there without you.
You miss me, huh?
Uh-huh. Not only me, but
Fred and Ginger miss you, too.
I'll bet.
In fact, Fred said if you didn't
come back to see him soon,
he was gonna ask the
company commander
if he couldn't come
here and see you.
He said that? That's right.
There's just one thing I
don't understand, Sergeant.
If you've got to pay for
them dancin' lessons,
how come you don't take 'em?
Look, if you're gonna take
a dancing lesson tonight, go!
Just leave me alone!
Hey, Sergeant, I got an idea.
Good! Now go!
Now, wait a minute. Listen.
Why don't I scout around
for somebody to take
over your contract?
Swell. Why stop with
one? Why stop with one?
Why not get two, three, four...
Why not get the whole
base to take dancing lessons?
Well, I don't know
about... Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Did you hear what I just said?
Look, you're going there
for a dancing lesson tonight?
Get a stack of those contracts.
Lots and lots of contracts!
Sign these contracts
and hand them back.
Just sign them
and do as I tell you.
Pass the rest of
these out, down there.
What's this all about? Who
wants dance lessons anyway?
Just sign the contract! Sign it.
Yeah, but why do we have to...
Don't ask so many
questions. Sign it! Sign it!
But I still don't see why...
Sign it! Sign it!
Sergeant, I can't tell
you how happy I feel.
But why did you change
your mind about my place for
and bring me all the business?
Well, Fred... Do you
mind if I call you Fred?
Please!
Well, Fred, I got to thinking.
It's not such a
bad deal after all.
I mean, dancing is exercise.
It could be good for the men!
It's wonderful! Wonderful!
(LAUGHING)
(LIVELY MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
When are we gonna
get to do our tango?
Go, man, go, go, go!
Drop this minuet and
put on some steam, baby!
When are we gonna
get to do our tango?
We ain't done our tango yet.
Oh, I quit!
I quit!
You can't quit! You can't quit!
We got contracts. Right, fellas?
ALL: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Contracts? Oh, yeah?
Well, we'll just see about that!
Contracts, my foot!
Ginger, what are you doing?
(YELLS)
She's tearin' up
all the contracts.
Yeah, how about that?
GINGER: I quit! I quit!
She didn't get mine.
She still owes me a tango.
You're a free man, Pyle.
You're free, I'm free.
She tore up my contract!
I still never did get to tango.
Okay, Duke, close your
eyes. Here's the first one.
MAILMAN: Coogan.
Moskawich. Here.
Forget it, Gomer.
I got so overheated dancing
last night, I caught a cold.
Carter. CARTER: Right here.
Well, at least I know it's
not a bill from a dance studio.
Somerville. Here.
Stahl. Right here.
Watson.
How about that?
It's a bill from a
lawyer for $100.
Did you sign up for some
law lessons, Sergeant?