Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 12 - Sergeant Carter, Marine Baby Sitter - full transcript

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

(HUMMING)

Big plans today, huh, Sarge?

Big, big, big plans.

Oh, this doesn't sound
like your ordinary, average,

leave-it-to-chance date to me.

It ain't, McCabe.

I ain't leaving nothing
to chance this time.

I've been trying
to get a whole day,

an entire Saturday, with
this girl ever since I met her.

And I'm gonna make
every minute count.

Do you want to hear
the battle plan? Go.

Okay.

I leave here at
exactly 1200 hours.

I drive to her house.

At exactly 1233
hours, I arrive on target

and squeeze off two
fast bursts on her doorbell.

You still with me? Go, man.

At 1234 hours, we will
have rendezvoused,

and the convoy will
proceed to Half-Moon Beach.

The maneuver area?

Nothing so crude.

This is a long-range objective.

No, no.

On the beach, it'll be
strictly sand, sun, and,

"Oh, Sergeant, I think
tattoos are so manly."

But then,

then comes 1700,

the cocktail hour.

In the darkness of the
lounge of The Purple Pagoda,

we'll sit, sipping
exotic, tropical drinks,

gazing romantically
into each other's eyes.

What about those
scratchy, wet bathing suits?

That's why I picked
The Purple Pagoda.

I know the bartender there. He'll
let us change in the restrooms.

You really do go high line.

Then

after a sumptuous
meal at Madam Woo's,

we'll drive out to
Breakers Point.

And there we'll sit,
under the moonlight,

her head on my shoulder.

Do I dare go on?

Big plans.

Big, big, big plans.

You got a swinging Saturday
afternoon planned, Gomer?

Yeah, are you going to the
public library and feed the pigeons?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Oh, no. Nothing like that.

What I'm gonna do is go to the
park and have my picture made

alongside the Civil War cannon.

A picture alongside
a cannon? What for?

It'll match up real good
with the one that I had made

alongside the cannon
down in San Diego.

Then you know what I'm gonna do?

Add it to my collection
of cannon pictures.

You have a collection
of cannon pictures?

Didn't I ever tell
you about that?

You know what my favorite is?

What?

A howitzer from World War I.

That's wonderful,
Gome. Is that it?

You take a picture with a
cannon, and that's the day?

Oh, no. I'll wait
around till dark.

Nighttime's the most
exciting time of all.

Well, what do you got
planned then, Gome?

Well, just before dark,

I go and get myself a cream
soda and a wrapped sandwich,

and I go to that park in
the middle of the square,

and I sit down on a bench.

Now, you got to get there
early, or otherwise, you'll miss it.

Miss what?

The street lights.

What about 'em?

They turn 'em on.

So?

So, you're there when
the lights come on.

You can make a wish.

Is that a big deal?

Oh, it's a sight to behold.

It's a whole lot different
from back home.

In Mayberry when it gets dark,

the only light on Main
Street you can see

is the vigil lamp in Elden
Yakle's Funeral Parlor.

Sounds like a full day, Gomer.

What a dirty break.
What a mean, dirty break.

What's the matter, Frank?

Well, they just slapped
me on a special guard detail,

and I was counting
on this weekend liberty.

That's a shame, Frank.

Yeah. You know, today,

I... I was gonna take Lois
and the baby in for his checkup,

get in a bunch of groceries,
and uh, I don't know what all.

That is a mean break.

Maybe I could help out since
I'm goin' in and everything.

No, no, Gomer.
What could you do?

Well, I could pick up
the groceries for you.

I'd be glad to do that.

No, no, I couldn't
put you out like that.

Oh, it won't put
me out. Not a bit.

I'd be glad to do it,
Frank. Honest, I would.

You mean that,
Gomer? I do. I really do.

Yeah, I sure would be obliged.

Hey, look, I'll call Lois
and tell her you're coming.

And... And here...
here's some money.

And here's her
grocery list, and...

Now, you're sure, Gomer?

Positive.

Hey, thanks,
Gomer. Thanks a lot.

Hey, that's nice of you, buddy.

Well... Hey,

what about your cannon picture?

Oh, I can take that in
the evening just as well.

I've got a flash
attachment on my camera.

I don't believe I've got a
picture with a cannon at night.

Hey, Pyle.

Hey, Sergeant Carter.

What's the matter, Pyle?

Ain't the chow in the mess
hall good enough for you?

Oh, no, it ain't that at all.

Then what are you doing
with all them groceries?

Oh, these are for Frank
Meade's wife and little baby.

You see, he got
stuck with guard duty,

so I offered to do this for him.

It's just a neighborly
gesture, is all.

Where do they live?

Out that-a-way somewheres.

It's near the pumping station.

You mean you're gonna
walk all the way out there?

I don't mind.

This ain't near as
heavy as the field pack.

Get in. Get in.
I'll give you a lift.

Are you sure? Get
in, get in, get in, get in.

I don't want to put you
out. Get in, get in, get in.

Uh-oh, you missed
the light again.

Yeah.

This sure is nice of you
to do this for me, Sergeant.

It's okay, Pyle.

Hey, Sergeant,

if you haven't got nothing
better to do later on,

maybe we could meet
and see the sights together.

I don't think so, Pyle.

Have you got plans?

Big plans. Big, big, big plans.

Pyle, are you sure you
got the right address?

Maybe this is the one, Sergeant.

It looks like what Frank said.

This better be it, Pyle.

You cost me 20 minutes already.

Oh, I'm sure this is the one.

See? There's a
playpen out in front,

and that's always a sign that
there's a baby in the house.

Then move it. I told you
I was in a hurry. Let's go.

I'm much obliged
to you, Sergeant.

I'm going with you.
I got to call my girl.

Oh, are you meetin' a girl?

Not a girl, the girl.

Come on, come on, come on.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Oh, Gomer, it's you.

Hey, ma'am.

This was so nice
of you. Come on in.

Glad to do it.

This is Sergeant Carter.

He's the Sergeant
over Frank and me.

(BABY CRYING)

Say, "Hey" to Mrs.
Frank Meade, Sergeant.

Hi. Hi.

I'm sorry about all this noise,

but Frank Junior is teething.

That's okay. May
I use your phone?

Oh, uh, sure. Help
yourself. Thank you.

Oh, now what did
I do with his bottle?

What would you like me
to do with these, ma'am?

Oh, would you just bring
those in the kitchen for me?

Yes, ma'am.

(HUMMING)

Hello, Bernice.

How did you guess?

Now, look, baby, I'm
sorry I'm late like this,

but something came up.

It's just as well.

As a matter of fact,
I'm still fixing my hair.

You're gettin' all prettied
up for Vince, huh?

I'd be there right now, but
I gave one of my men a lift,

and we had a hard
time finding the place.

Honey,

we got the whole,
beautiful day ahead of us.

Oh, wow. I can hardly wait.

Well, I'll see you in a little
while, you silly Sergeant, you.

You're really lookin'
forward to it, huh, baby?

Well, I got big plans for today,

big, big, big plans.

Hey, Frank Junior.
Hey, little feller.

Look at him grin at me.

That's gas, Gomer.

Huh? When they grin, it's gas.

Oh, no. That's a happy
grin. That ain't a gas grin.

Well, I'm going to be late to
that doctor's office. I just know it.

How far is it from here?

Well, I have to take two buses,

and if I miss my
connection, he'll be gone

because it's Saturday afternoon.

Why did they have
to pick this weekend

to keep Frank at the base?

I'll never make it.

Will I hurry?

Honey, when you hang
up, head for the door

because I don't
want to ring twice.

What you need is somebody
to drive you to the doctor's office.

Do you have a car? No, but
he does. Don't you, Sergeant?

What? Don't I what, huh?

Have a car to drive
Miss Lois to the doctor in.

Oh, Sergeant, would you?
I'd be so grateful to you.

Oh, well, I...

That's real nice of you,
Sergeant. Real nice.

But I, uh...

GOMER: An act of mercy is
what it is. Oh, it certainly is.

A plain act of mercy.
Sergeant, you're a kindly man.

I hope I'm not interfering
with any plans, Sergeant.

Well, I do have... Oh,
he don't mind, ma'am.

Sergeant Carter would rather
perform an act of mercy than anything.

Hadn't you, Sergeant?

But I got to make
a phone call first.

She don't mind. Do you, Lois?

Oh, no. Go right ahead, please.

Sergeant, the doctor's office
closes on Saturday afternoon,

so don't talk too
long, will you?

Bernice?

Hi, baby. Me again.

Something just came up.

Do you know something? I've seen
more of this town in the last half-hour

than I have in a
whole 24-hour pass.

I'm awfully sorry, Sergeant.

I had no idea they were
tearing up Front Street.

But I can't thank
you enough, really.

Sure, sure. Okay.

(CARS HONKING)

Thank you kindly, Sergeant.

I sure appreciate it for her.

So, I'll see you.

I'm not going
anywhere yet, Pyle.

I got to make
another phone call.

Oh. Well, in that case then, you can
help me with some of this baby truck.

(GRUMBLING)

May I help you?

No, ma'am. We're
friends of Mrs. Meade's.

Sergeant, here, drove
her over. Oh, I see.

Uh, pardon me, miss. Could
I use your phone? It's urgent.

Is it a local call?

Just barely. Help yourself.

You know, Sergeant,

you could've stopped and picked up
your girlfriend when we went by her house.

Oh, that would have been great.

She might even
have invited you all

along on the date with us.

Oh, I don't think Lois
would want to with the baby.

But, say, if I could know
where you're gonna be later on...

Bernice?

Hi, honey. This is Vince again.

Baby, you're not gonna
believe this when I tell you.

Well, honey, listen. If
you don't get here soon,

we won't have much
time to do anything.

Just sit tight, honey.

I'll see you later. Goodbye.

Okay, Pyle. You're on your own.

Thanks again, Sergeant.

That's Sergeant Carter. He's
the most thoughtful person.

Oh?

That's the third time
he's called that girl

to tell her he's gonna be late.

That's the kind of
thoughtful person he is.

What did the doctor
say about Frank Junior?

He's fine. He told me
to put him on solid food.

Do you hear that, Frank Junior?

Why, in no time at all, you're gonna
be eatin' hamburgers and hot dogs.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Hey, Sergeant.

What are you doin' still here? I
thought you'd gone to your date.

(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Let me have a look at her.

Keep away from it,
Pyle. Just stay away.

I used to work in a filling
station before I was a Marine.

My experience could be a
blessin' at a time like this.

Now give her a try.

(ENGINE STARTING)

A wire jiggled loose
on your distributor.

GOMER: Well, have a good time.

Where do you
think the bus stop is?

Get in, get in, get in.

Excuse me.

This is really nice.

Couldn't be better if we had
our own private chauffeur.

(BABY CRYING)

Gosh, Sergeant. Too bad you
don't have a telephone in your car

like one of them radio taxicabs.

Wouldn't that be a lick?

LOIS: Oh, Frankie, please.

Gomer, I can't find my key.

Here, let me take
the little feller, ma'am.

Well, now, what are you
makin' that funny face for?

What's the matter?
Why are you crying?

Oh, this stupid lock.

Here, let me try, ma'am.

Sergeant, take Frank, would you?

Huh? But I don't know
the first thing about...

(BABY COOING)

I didn't do anything to him.

Well, I never.

He must like you, Sergeant.

GOMER: Ain't that the limit?

(BABY GIGGLING)

There it goes.

Here, Pyle, take him.

Just a minute. Let
me put this down.

(BABY CRYING)

There's no two ways
about it, Sergeant.

This little feller
really likes you.

(BABY STOPS CRYING)

But I gotta make a phone call.

I'll take him.

Come on, darling.

(BABY CRYING)

Sergeant, give me your car keys.

Maybe that will quiet him down.

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

All right, give him to me.

(BABY COOING)

My goodness.

Wally, the feller I
worked for back home,

used to say that if
children and dogs liked you,

you was all right.

How are you with dogs, Sergeant?

Great.

Bernice? Hi, honey, it's...

BERNICE: I know who it is, and I know what
you're callin' about. I've been sittin'...

Honey... BERNICE:
Why don't you...

Honey, honey, honey,

I... I know there have
been a lot of delays,

but after I talked to
you, the car broke down.

Yeah, yeah.

And Pyle fixed it for me,

so I couldn't just leave
him standing there with Lois.

Just great! Making a date

and then running all
over town with another girl!

Wait a minute. Lois ain't a
girl. She's a married woman.

A married woman?

Look, if you'll just stop
yelling and listen a minute...

Listen. Listen.

Listen!

(BABY CRYING)

I told you I picked
this fella up downtown,

and it wasn't gonna take me more
than five minutes to drop him off.

That's awful! Just awful!

Well, that's just too bad.

If that's the way you want
it, that's the way you got it.

Give me the kid!

(BABY STOPS CRYING)

I appreciate everything.

Well, I have to go
get his dinner ready.

Uh, Sergeant, I'm awfully
sorry about your date.

Not your fault.

Golly, Sergeant,

you and that baby
really make a picture.

They ought to make a
Marine poster out of that.

Bless your hearts, both of you.

Pyle, you hear me,
and you hear me good.

Once I get you
back on that base,

you are going to think that boot
camp was a Sunday school picnic.

I know what I done, Sergeant,

and I'm truly sorry.

"Sorry" don't get me
to The Purple Pagoda.

"Sorry" don't bring back
that afternoon in the sun.

"Sorry" don't save
a lost weekend.

Sorry...

He's sorry.

Maybe I can make it up to you.

Now, maybe you can.

Maybe you just can.

You just tell me how, and
I'll be ever so glad to oblige.

Oh, I'll tell you, I'll
tell you real good.

You can make it up to me
on your next 10 liberties.

How, Sergeant?
By not having 'em.

You are going to be
on that base so long,

you're gonna have such a wait
before you finally get a liberty...

Sergeant. What?

Look how the little feller's
holding onto your tie.

Smart kid.

He's trying to hold me
back from killing you

right here and now.

I sure wish there was
somethin' I could do.

(SIGHING)

Gomer? Where's Gomer?

Mmm? Mmm?

Oh, were you asleep?

I... I'm sorry.

What happened to Gomer?

Mmm?

I don't know. He must have
left while I was dozing off.

Here.

He's sleeping like a lamb.

Yeah.

(YAWNING)

Well, I guess I'd
better clear out of here.

Sergeant, I... I can't
thank you enough.

Really, I don't know what I
would have done without you.

Forget it.

My keys, they're gone.

Your keys? Well, let's see.

We were using them
to quiet the baby.

Sure, that's it. Pyle took 'em.

Why, that miserable...

He took my car.
Gomer? Oh, he couldn't.

Well, it's gone.

The car is gone. So is Pyle.

Sure, that's it.

He figured I was asleep,
he'd borrow my car.

He borrowed my car!

Oh, I just can't believe that.

(BABY CRYING) I'm
gonna get the police on this.

I'll fix him real good.

(BABY CONTINUES CRYING)

Operator, get me the
police. It's an emergency.

Give, give, give, give.

(BABY STOPS CRYING)

How do you like that...

Police? I want to
report a stolen car,

and I know exactly who stole it,

Private Gomer Pyle.

Never mind!

Come on in, ma'am.

Bernice,

this here's Lois Meade,

and that there's
your Sergeant Carter.

And that's little Frankie,
like I was tellin' you about.

Bernice here was
gettin' a mite upset

because Sergeant Carter
was so late for his date.

Oh, don't be angry with him.

He's been so wonderful.

LOIS: I don't know what I
would have done without him.

GOMER: Me neither,
or little Frankie there.

Taking us to the doctor and all.

I hope you didn't mind
that I borrowed your car,

but you was so wore out from all you'd
done today that I hated to wake you.

See there, ma'am?

It's just like I described
it to you, right?

And you thought he was
out gallivanting with some gal.

Not our Sergeant Carter.

Why, he's preformed so
many acts of mercy this day,

he's made hisself a
place in heaven for sure.

You want to know
what all he's done?

I'll tell you what
all he's done.

First of all, he helped me
bring home the groceries.

Second, he took the baby
and Miss Lois to the doctor.

And third, when that young
one wouldn't quit crying,

he took that baby...

Well, I sure hate to eat
and run like this, Lois.

Thank you so much.
Oh, that's all right.

You and the Sergeant
get on to that movie.

Yeah, you don't want to
get in the middle of a movie.

I'll take care of KP.

Yeah, I'll see you
at reveille, Pyle.

Right, Sergeant, when
that old bugle goes...

(IMITATING A BUGLE)

Pyle!

(BABY CRYING)

Boy, that's a good
Marine for you.

Wakes up right at reveille.

Oh, Frankie.

Take the baby, Vince.

No, I wouldn't think of
keeping you from the movie.

You've missed too much
already. You go ahead.

Hey, I got an idea. You have?

You don't have to
miss any of the movie.

We can all go to a drive-in
and take little Frankie with us.

Huh?

Hey, that's a
wonderful idea, Gomer.

Take the baby, Vince.

(BABY STOPS CRYING)

Oh, Sergeant, you've got the
magic touch, the magic touch.

Let's move it. Let's move it.

Say, you know something, Gomer?

This will be the first time

I've ever gone to a
drive-in movie with a Marine

and felt perfectly safe.

You might say he's got
the situation well in hand.