Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 10 - A Date for the Colonel's Daughter - full transcript

The Colonel's daughter visits from her all-girls school and the Colonel asks Sgt Carter to find her an escort, so of course Gomer Pyle is the perfect choice - at least until her overly protective mother panics.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Good morning, sir.
Good morning, sir.

I asked you men to drop in

because I have a
little favor to ask of you.

It's about this little
dance on Saturday night

for the, uh, for the
enlisted men. Yes, sir?



I think you all know my daughter,
don't you? ALL: Of course, sir.

Well, she's coming home
from college on Saturday,

and there's the
matter of an escort

and I was wondering if one
of you men might be free.

I think she should be accompanied
by a man from the base.

Well, I'd deem it an honor, sir,

but it just so happens I
have a date. Sorry, sir.

I don't want anybody
to break a date.

Well, I'm not much of
a dancer, sir, and, uh,

well, uh, it might
be a little dull for her.

I understand.

What about you,
Barker? You got a date?

Well, not exactly,
sir, but I might have.

It's this girl who said she
might come or she might not.



It could go either way.

It's just that
I'm not sure, sir.

Of course.

Sorry, sir, I have
to meet my mother.

I see.

Thank you for coming
in, gentlemen. Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Well, sir, which
one is it going to be?

None of them could make it,

and I think I know
the reason why.

Nobody wants to get saddled
with the boss's daughter.

And that's what this amounts to.

I mean, to be on guard
during a date, that's no fun.

Uh, sir...

And they're probably being
wary of my wife's watchfulness.

Uh, she's a bit
overprotective, you know.

Uh, sir, I have a thought.

After all, this is the
enlisted men's dance.

It doesn't have to
be an officer, does it?

No, not necessarily.

Well, sir, I think you could find a
suitable escort among the enlisted men.

It might be more
preferable, sir,

to make the thing look
democratic, if you know what I mean.

That's an idea.

I'll speak to the platoon sergeants
and have them make suggestions?

Yes. My wife's a bit
of a worrier, you know,

but I'm sure the
man will be all right.

You understand? Oh,
yes, sir. No problem, sir.

All right. Fine.

Go ahead, Captain.

By the way, are you
busy on Saturday?

Sorry, sir, uh, as a
matter of fact, uh, I am.

Carry on.

Well, what about you?
Who are you taking?

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT)
Me? Oh, I ain't goin'.

MAN: You're not going
to the dance? How come?

There's this picture on
television that I don't wanna miss.

It's Tarzan Untamed.

You mean you wanna watch
that "Me Tarzan, you Jane"?

Well, I don't go for that
gushy stuff too much.

What I like is when an elephant
picks Tarzan up with his trunk

and old Tarzan just sits
there on the elephant's head.

You don't see a thing
like that too often.

Oh, I'll go along
with that, Gome.

Okay, men, I want to know
who has dates for the dance.

Come on, hands.

All of you?

Pyle, you don't have a date?

No, Sergeant.

Oh.

Come over here, Pyle.

You might have a date.

It's not set yet, but you might.

Well, thanks for
thinking of me, Sergeant,

but there's this television
program on Saturday night

that I've been pointin' for.

It's Tarzan Untamed.

This happens to be
Colonel Harper's daughter.

That's the date.

The Colonel's daughter?

Shoot, even if I didn't have
other plans, I couldn't take her.

Why not?

Well, golly, she's the
Colonel's daughter.

Well, you've taken
out girls before.

Or have you?

Shoot, yeah, but nobody
ever this important.

The most important girl I
ever took out back home

was the county
assessor's daughter.

That's as high as
I ever wanna go.

The daughter of
a civil-service man.

Pyle...

And even then I remember
my hands got all sweaty.

Pyle...

And my heart was going
"Ka-thump, ka-thump."

I was nervous is what.

Pyle, will you calm down?
You haven't been picked yet.

I wouldn't even know
what to talk to her about.

At least with the county
assessor's daughter

I was able to keep up a
running chatter on assessments.

Now, that can be a
real meaty subject.

Pyle, you are the only one
who doesn't have a date,

so I'm submitting your name.

Each company is sending
in a name to the Colonel

so they can pick the
best man for the job.

They're probably looking for
somebody who is a nice dancer,

a good talker, a
smart companion...

You don't have a
thing to worry about.

I'm praying.

Sergeant, do you know
anything at all about her?

She's the Colonel's daughter.

Oh, the Colonel's daughter.

"Gomer Pyle."

What kind of a man
is he, Sergeant?

Well, sir, he...

Excuse me, sir, is
Pyle the man selected?

I don't know yet.

I want to find out a
little more about him.

What I'm looking for,
primarily, is a certain type.

I'd say he's a
"type" all right, sir.

How do you mean?

Well, sir, he never goes out,

doesn't do anything,

doesn't have anything
interesting to talk about.

Innocuous.

Sir?

Harmless.

Oh. He certainly is, sir.

Uh, might even say "dull".

Dull. Yes, sir.

Good. Sounds perfect.

Sir?

My wife will feel quite comfortable
with him. Gomer Pyle it is.

Yes, sir.

An enlisted man?

Mmm-hmm.

Who is he? What do
we know about him?

I checked this boy's
record, and it's fine.

And the Sergeant assures me
that he's a perfect gentleman.

It's gonna be all right.

The Sergeant?

Edna, this is only
for one evening,

and it'll be nice for
Jane to have an escort.

And as a matter of fact,

an enlisted man may
be even more interesting.

All right, all right. I won't
say another word about it.

Yeah, but you've
got to stop worrying.

Right? Right.

Where's he from?

Uh, the South. A country boy.

You didn't tell me about that.

What's wrong with a country boy?

What's wrong? Well,
they're the worst kind.

Those quiet country boys.

They're the kind that
turn into howling wolves.

(CHUCKLING)

That's ridiculous.

Oh, is it?

Have you read about
the scandalous goings-on

in those quiet country towns
with those quiet country boys?

Edna, stop worrying.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Then I won't take my eyes
off them for one second.

Hey, Sergeant.

Did you send for me?

Guess who?

I knew it. I just knew it.

I had the feeling right from the
beginning it was gonna be me.

There was something just in
the pit of my stomach. I knew it.

I knew it was gonna be me.

Now, Pyle, now, Pyle,
take it easy. Take it easy.

After all, I got more
at stake than you have.

I was the one that sent in your
name. The Colonel's depending on me.

Well, what'll I do? She's the Colonel's
daughter and, heck, I don't know

what to... Why don't you
just take her to the dance?

Just be careful what
you say and how you act.

Oh, I'll be careful, all right.

But what'll we talk
about? What'll I say to her?

You can talk about anything.
Just be careful what you say.

I just can't get over the idea of
her being the Colonel's daughter.

She's gonna be
disappointed in me.

Pyle.

We come from two different
worlds is what, Sergeant.

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm just
plain country folks,

and shoot, she comes
from one of them homes

that's got fruit and
flowers all over the place

and there ain't
even nobody sick.

Look, Pyle, you don't
have to marry the girl.

I know, Sergeant. But
why'd they have to pick me?

Of all the guys on the base,
why'd they have to pick me?

Pyle, listen, listen, listen. Now,
you were picked for this assignment.

Why, I don't know, but you're
gonna take the Colonel's daughter.

Now, when you do,
just don't say much.

Don't do anything, don't act
silly, don't talk, don't even breathe.

Just have a good time.

I just wish this whole
thing was over with already.

Look at my hands. Look
at 'em. look at 'em sweat.

And feel my heart. It's going
"Ka-thump, ka-thump, ka-thump."

Can't you lift this up
closer to your neck?

Why, that looks fine to me.

Janie, good to have you home.

I haven't had a chance to ask
you how school is this semester.

Oh, it's all right, I guess.

What's the matter?
Anything wrong?

Oh, it's just that it's so
dull. It's nice, but dull.

Mother, can't I transfer to a
coed school next semester?

I'd be so much happier.

I'd prefer you stay where you
are. It's a perfectly fine school.

Well, if it's dull and she wants
to transfer, I don't see any harm.

Clara Burton College
was good enough for me

and I know that Jane will get a
fine education there. Perfectly fine.

And after all, that's the most
important thing, isn't it, dear?

I suppose so. Let
me look at you.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

What on earth is that?

That's probably
your escort, dear.

I authorized a jeep
for your use tonight.

They're all so reckless.

Now, about this young man, dear,

I don't want you to
worry about a single thing.

We'll be right by
your side all evening.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Yes, mother.

Good evening.

Sir, Private Gomer Pyle
reporting as ordered, sir.

I, uh, wish you
wouldn't put it that way.

Hope you didn't mind
the brake squeal, sir,

but I wasn't sure
what house you lived in

and I didn't want to pass it by,

so I had to mash
down on the brakes.

Well, uh, come on in, Pyle.

Thank you, sir. Yes, sir.

Now, this is Mrs. Harper.

How do, ma'am?

And this is my daughter, Jane.

Hey, Miss Jane.

I brought you some flowers.

Thank you. It was
very thoughtful.

I'll get a vase.

Well, uh, we've got a
few minutes before we go.

Shall we sit down?

Please.

Make yourself at home, Pyle.

Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.

Well, we were, uh... we were very
happy that you were able to make it.

Yes, sir, me, too.

Real happy.

Private Pyle, I understand
that you come from the South.

Where in the South?

Yes, ma'am, I sure do.

I come from Mayberry,
North Carolina.

My family settled there
about 150 years ago.

That is, my ancestors did,
not the family that I got now.

Of course.

Of course.

They built their own log
cabin all by theirselves.

Real pioneers.

Of course, we Pyles have
come a long way since then.

We've added a back
porch and a bath.

I see.

I mean a regular bath,

one that you don't have to
fill up with a pump, neither.

Oh, well, that's what
I call real progress.

Remarkable.

When the water
company run their lines,

they went to the
north part of town first.

Oh, well, wouldn't you know.

See, the center of
town is right here,

and, uh...

This is north.

And they had to run them lines

right down here
through Maple Street.

That's right here.

And then over the ridge,
past Fred Bartlett's place.

Now, that's about here.

And then they had to run 'em
all the way out into the swamps.

That's where you're
sittin', Mrs. Harper.

You know something else that
might interest you, Mrs. Harper?

What?

We was the first family
on the south side of town

that had a septic tank.

A septic tank?

Yes'm.

You see, it was always my
mama's dream to have one.

And me and my daddy saved
up for six years. Six years.

And we surprised her with
the news on her birthday.

You ought to have seen her face when
we took her out there in the backyard.

Well, I'll bet she
was thrilled, all right.

Say, Miss Jane, you really
got a nice way of arranging 'em.

Thank you. Must be a knack.

Looks like it was done by
one of them funeral florists.

Shall we go?

Uh, yes, yes, I hadn't
realized it was quite so late.

I'm sure lookin'
forward to this dance.

Thank you.

Well, you two run along.
We'll be right behind you.

Are you ready to go, Miss Jane?

We'll see you there, sir. It
was nice talkin' with you, ma'am.

Well...

Well, next time
you'll listen to me.

Well, what's wrong?
He's a nice boy.

I know these nice
boys. That's an act.

Oh, come on, now.

I'm more determined than ever to keep
my eye on them every single second.

All right, all right,
have it your own way,

but any boy who saves up for
six years to buy a septic tank

for his mother's
birthday can't be all bad.

(SWING JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Good evening.

Good evening, Captain.
Evening, Captain.

Good evening, sir.

Captain, this is Private Pyle.

How are you, Pyle?
Good evenin', sir.

Well, you've decorated
the place beautifully.

Yes, sir, you can't hardly
beat them Japanese people

when it comes to lanterns.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Colonel Harper, your
honor. Thank you.

Shall we, dear?

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

(FAST MUSIC PLAYING)

Would you like to
dance, Miss Jane?

Have you been
watching our country boy?

Yes. He seems to
be quite a dancer.

Dance me over in that direction.

Oh, Edna, let's
leave them alone.

Emmett, please.

Hey, folks. It's a nice dance.

Jane, I think it would be nice

if you danced with your father.

All right, Mother.

And I don't suppose Private
Pyle has any objections

to dancing with me?

No, ma'am, I'd be glad to.

Please, Private Pyle!

That's the way we
dance back home.

Yes, I'd prefer that you dance a little
slower. I want to have a word with you.

Yes, ma'am.

I, uh, just thought I'd better
mention that my daughter is not used

to too much excitement.

I'm sorry. What happens
when she dances too hard?

Does she have a spell?

Of course not.

It's just that I think you
should dance slower

and at a proper distance.

Yes, ma'am.

I guess I'm just used
to the girls back home.

You don't grip them hard
enough, and they'll fall right down.

My pleasure, ma'am.

You know, you dance
real good for a short lady.

Thank you.

(MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Miss Jane. Hello.

Would you like to dance?

Uh...

I don't suppose we'd better.

Well, I'll dance slow
and hold you loose.

No, thanks.

Would you like some punch?

No. Thank you.

You go to school, don't you?

Yes, I do. I'm at college.

What you takin' up there?

Music. I'm a music major.

Back home, you ask
somebody goin' to school,

"What you takin' up,
the teacher's time?"

That's a joke back home.

I see.

Did I ask you if you
wanted some punch?

You did.

What did you say? I
said, "No, thank you."

But I believe I will
have some now.

Okay. I'll be back in a jiffy.

Two punches, please.

Pyle... Hey, Sergeant.

Are you behaving yourself?
You behaving yourself, Pyle?

Yes, sir. She's
nice. She's real nice.

What do you mean, "Nice"?

Remember, she's
the Colonel's daughter.

Now, you behave
yourself. Yes, sir,

but she is a little
on the quiet side.

There ain't too
much to talk about.

What did you talk about?

Well, comin' on over here,

I told her about the M14 rifle
and how you disassemble it.

Good, good.

What else could we talk about?

Well, uh...

Do you think she'd be
interested in chemical warfare?

Here's your punch,
Miss Jane. Thank you.

Careful of the little
lemon seeds in there.

You swallow one of them,
you'd get appendicitis.

Did you know that? No.

Emmett, look. What?

He just brought her some punch.

Well, what of it?

I wonder what's in it.

What? Grape juice and some
lemons floating in it. I just had some.

I know, I know, and you
know about spiking a drink.

Oh, take it easy.

Mrs. Harper, may
I have this dance?

Oh, uh, all right.

Emmett, will you
keep an eye on things?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, uh, Captain, uh, excuse me.

Emmett, they're gone.

What? Who's gone?

Jane and that... that
country boy. They're not here.

Oh, excuse me. Thank you.

They've probably just
gone for a walk, dear.

I want them found.

Edna, take it easy. I insist.

They've just gone
for fresh air, I'm sure.

Emmett, are you going
to do something about this,

or shall I go and
look for them myself?

All right, dear.

Captain Murdock?

My daughter and her escort
seem to have disappeared.

Would you see if
you can locate them?

I want this whole place
thoroughly searched. I'm worried.

Yes, ma'am. Right away.

♪ She's gone away for to stay

♪ A little while

♪ But she's coming back

♪ If she goes 10,000 miles

♪ Oh, who will tie my shoe?

♪ And who will glove my hand?

♪ And who will kiss my ruby lips

♪ When she is gone?

♪ Gone away

♪ Far away ♪ Over yonder

♪ She's gone away ♪ For to stay

♪ A little while ♪
But she's coming back

♪ If she goes 10,000 miles

♪ Oh, it's Pappy
who'll tie my shoes

♪ And Mammy who'll glove my hand

♪ And you will kiss my ruby lips

♪ When she is gone

♪ Gone away

♪ Far away ♪ Over yonder ♪

Wonderful. Wonderful.
Oh, Gomer, you're good.

Why did you keep
it such a secret?

Well, I... If I had
known sooner,

we could have left that
dull dance even earlier.

I'm sorry the dance was so dull.

I guess all that talk
about the M14 rifle

wasn't very interesting.

Not that I'm talking
down the M14 rifle.

It was just that I didn't...

It's just that this
is so much nicer.

(SIREN WAILING)

Must be some sort of trouble.

Appears like they're
lookin' for somebody.

Go ahead, Gomer, sing another.

Well, would you like to hear

Rain Come With Me
'Cause I'm Dirty, Dirty, Dirty?

Gomer, that's marvelous.
This is so much fun.

I'm sure glad you're
enjoying it, Miss Jane.

I am. Thank you, Gomer.

Thank you very much.

MRS. HARPER:
There, you saw that.

You saw that, didn't you?

Did you see that? Oh,
Jane, I've been so worried.

You can call off
the search, Captain.

Yes, sir. Jane, darling,
are you all right?

Oh, Mother! Take it easy, Edna.

I just had a feeling it would
end like this. I just knew it.

Mother, if you'll just calm down
for a minute. You don't understand.

Jane, we'll take care
of... Jane. But, Mother...

Now, young man, suppose
you explain what made you think

you could take liberties
with our daughter?

Well, it looked to me as if it was
Jane who was doing the kissing.

I think I know my daughter.

Well?

I sure am sorry, Mrs. Harper.

It's a little late
for that, Private,

and it's not good enough.

Emmett,

I insist that he be
punished. Oh, Edna.

Daddy, don't. Don't you
dare do a thing to him.

I am the one who
did the kissing.

Now, Miss Jane... Jane!

Yes, it's true, and
I'm not ashamed of it.

I kissed him because I
wanted to. That's why.

Jane, stop this.

Yes, Mother, and I liked it.

So much that I think
I'll kiss him again.

And then again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Sir, while all this is goin' on,

do I have your permission
to stand at ease?

Thanks, Dad.

For what?

You know, for sort
of staying on my side,

and helping me do what I've
been wanting to do for a long time.

Well, uh... And, uh, Daddy,

while we're sort
of on the subject.

I do want to go to a
coed school next year.

Will you back me up?

We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Your mother's had
a big shock tonight.

Thank you, Private.

Shoot, I didn't do nothin', sir.

(LAUGHING) I'm not so sure.

Good night, Janie.
Good night, Daddy.

Well, good night, Miss Jane.

I sure hope I see
you again sometimes.

I had a real nice time.

And you know something?

You're real nice, and
you're real pretty, too.

Thank you, Gomer.

Well, go ahead, son.

It's all right, her
mother's gone to bed.