Gomer Pyle: USMC (1964–1969): Season 1, Episode 1 - Gomer Overcomes the Obstacle Course - full transcript

Gomer gets his first shot at the obstacle course.

CARTER: All right, move
it, let's go! Come on, you!

In there. Come on. Move
it, move it! In that seat!

(IN SOUTHERN ACCENT) Now,
take Hal Floyd, the barber back home

who used to cut my hair,

what he done was he'd
leave it a little long in the back,

then he'd cut off
the sideburns here,

about, oh, say even
with the ear hole.

Then he'd trim a
little bit off the top

and rub in some pomade

and part it on the side

and make a little rabbit
ridge up here in front.



Then he'd comb it wet. Okay?

(WHIRRING)

(AIR BLOWING)

Well, it ain't
exactly like Floyd,

the barber back home,
would have done it,

but after all, it's
just your first time.

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Gomer Pyle - USMC.

Starring Jim Nabors
as Gomer Pyle.

Also starring Frank
Sutton as Sergeant Carter.

I am your senior
drill instructor!

I will watch over
you every minute

of every day of your
boot camp training!

I will tell you when
to eat, when to sleep,



when to get up, when to shower,

and when to dress!

He's gonna spoil us,
doin' all that for us.

Did I hear somebody
talkin'? You're at attention.

You don't move, you don't talk!

When you do speak,
the first word to come

out of your mouth will be "Sir"!

Is that clear?

ALL: Yes, sir. What?

Yes, sir!

I can't hear you!

Yes, sir!

Now...

Something funny, Private?
Something funny about all this?

Suppose you tell us
what's so funny, huh?

Well, sir, when we
all hollered real loud

like you wanted us to,

the feller behind me
hollered in my ear,

and it tickled and made me grin.

I imagine the same thing
happened to the feller in front of me.

Did you grin when I
hollered in your ear?

Knock it off!

So, you think this is
funny, do you, Private?

What's your name?

Gomer Pyle, sir.

All right, Pyle.

I'm gonna be
watchin' you real close.

Do you hear me good?

You're doin' it again! Wipe
that smile off your face!

You're doin' the
same thing he did.

Hollered in my ear
and it made me grin.

Knock it off!

All right.

Now, you people listen up!

I have had three
Honor Platoons in a row!

Do you hear me?

Three Honor Platoons!

And I am going to get a fourth!

And who is going
to help me to get it?

ALL: We are, sir.

What?

We are, sir! I can't hear you!

We are, sir!

And now we will begin
by learning how to drill!

Left! Hut!

Dress it! Right!

All right, come on!
Dress it up, dress it up!

Ready! Hut!

We will do a little
drilling in place!

I will count cadence,
you will listen!

Hut! And!

Hut! Hut! And left! And left!

Hut, hut! And left!

Left and left and left!

Hut, hut! And left!

Left and left! Hut,
hut! A... Set! Halt!

What's funny, Pyle?
What's funny this time, huh?

How do you do that?

Huh? How do you do
that with your voice?

That's good. It's real good.

What?

That there cadence
countin'. It's real good.

Oh, you really think so, huh?

I mean it. You ought to sing in
your church choir, if you don't already.

You like my voice, do you?

Yes, sir, I really do.

Well, since you like it so much,

I'll let you hear it
some more. Good.

While you do about 50 push-ups.

Sir? Push-ups! Come
on, Pyle, hit the deck!

Ready? Exercise!

And up! And up!

And up! And up!

That's good. That's real good.

Keep workin'! Keep workin'!

And up! And up!

You have seen this obstacle
course demonstrated,

and you will now run it!

You move, and move fast!

You are running under
combat conditions!

First four men, move!

Second four men!

I am watching you, Pyle.

Move!

CARTER: Third
four men, move out!

What are you doing, Pyle?

What in the world are you doing?

Are you playing a game?
Are you having fun?

No, sir. This wall's a whole
lot higher than I thought.

Well, would you like me to
get you a little stepladder?

Oh, no. Thank you kindly, sir.

It's real nice of you to
offer, but I'll keep tryin'.

You better keep trying. I'm
gonna get me an Honor Platoon

and you will not foul it up!

You hit this wall,

you roll over this
wall, and you move on!

Pyle, do you know
why you're doing this?

It's to train you for combat.

Don't you understand?
You're being shot at, Pyle!

Shazam! I better get
over it this time, hadn't I?

I think if you'd give me a heist this
one time, Sergeant, I might make it.

(GROANING)

(SIGHS)

Much obliged, Sergeant!

Move! Move! Move!

All right, move it, Pyle! Move it!
Get in there! Move on through!

All right, come on!
Move it, move it, move it!

Pyle, what are you doing
in there? Taking a nap?

Move it! Move it!

It's dark as the inside
of a cow in there.

Pyle, how did you...

No, don't tell me. Just go!

Hit that cargo net! Move it!
Move it! Move, move, move!

Hey, Sarge.

Is that any way to go up a
landing net, Pyle, feet first?

Are you trying to be different?

No, sir. I was just trying to...

Pyle, do you know your
feet from your head? Yes, sir.

Then how come your head's
down here, your feet's up there?

Well, that is a poser, ain't it?

Pyle, I got an
80-year-old grandmother

can go up a net
better than that!

Well, bless her heart.

Get outta there! Outta
there! Out! Out, out, out, out!

You swing across! Swing across!

You don't swing hard
enough, you land in the drink!

First four, move it!

Let's go, come on! Go, go, go!

Next four! Come on!
Let's move it, move it,

move it, move it,
move it, move it!

Let go! Let go!

Pyle, get out of
there! Get outta there!

This ain't a ride, and
this ain't Disneyland!

Lucky thing I didn't have
nothin' in my pockets, ain't it?

Come on, get up
here! Get... Get...

It ain't very cold, is it?

Pyle!

How do you spell
"friendly"? "I-e" or "e-i"?

"I-e." Why?

I was just writin'
the folks back home.

Oh.

And I, uh, I suppose
you're telling them

how much fun you're having

and how friendly your DI is?

How'd you know? What?

You're actually writing
that? I was kidding, Gomer!

Our DI, friendly?

Oh, he's a fine feller.

HEMSLEY: And you like
him? You actually like him?

Oh, I like him fine. Don't you?

How can you like anybody who
yells like that? He hollers all the time.

Oh, I expect he's got to do
that to hold your attention.

Why, if he talked soft, your
mind would go to wanderin',

and you'd probably stand
there and stare at his nose.

Oh, he's got to holler.

Gomer... Ten-hut! JOHNSON: Pyle!

Private Gomer Pyle!

Report to Sergeant Carter
in the duty hut, right away.

Yes, sir! Be right there!

I won't tell him we
was talkin' about him.

On the double! Move, move!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

SWANSON: Sir, Private Swanson
requests permission to enter the duty hut!

Hey, Sergeant Whipple,
one of your people out here.

Yeah?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

SWANSON: Sir, Private Swanson
requests permission to enter the duty hut!

What's the matter with you,
Private? You wearin' gloves?

Knock on that
door! Let's hear it!

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Sir, Private Swanson
requests... Get in here!

Sir, Private Swanson
reporting as ordered!

Swanson, you talked
in ranks today! Yes, sir!

When you're at attention, you
don't talk! That clear? Yes, sir!

You gonna remember
that? Yes, sir!

Why are you
whispering? Yes, sir!

Get outta here!

(DOOR SLAMS) Knucklehead.

You think he's bad?

Wait till you see the one I got.

Hey, Sarge! All
right to come in?

See what I mean?

Pyle, you were told your first
day here how to enter a duty hut!

Oh, I'm sorry, I...
Get out and do it right!

Sir, Private Pyle requests
permission to enter the duty hut.

Did you hear somethin'?

Yeah. Sounded like mice.

Pyle, hit that hatch!

Hit the what?

The door! The door!

Sir, Private Pyle
requests permission

to enter the duty hut!

CARTER: I can't hear you!

Sir, Private Pyle
requests permission

to enter the duty hut!

Get in here!

Over here!

Sir, Private Pyle
reportin' as ordered!

Corporal said you
wanted to see me.

Ewe? Ewe? What's a "ewe"?
A "ewe" is a sheep, ain't it?

It sure is. It's a female sheep.

Is that what I look like?

No, sir. You don't look
like no female sheep.

Do I look like a male sheep?

Well, not that neither.

Though they do say some
folks look like animals.

Wally, the feller I
worked for back home,

everybody said he
looked like a gopher.

He had these little bitty
eyes and short ears...

Pyle! He was a
wonderful feller, though.

I mean, for a man that
looked like a gopher.

Knock it off!

Pyle, are you here because
you personally wanna see to it

that I don't get another
Honor Platoon? Are you?

Oh, no, sir. You don't like me!

Yes, sir, I like
you. No, you don't.

You don't like me, do you?

Yes, sir, I like you. For a feller
I've known such a little bitty time,

I like you just fine.

Course, I don't love you,
but that's 'cause you ain't kin.

If you was kin, I might
love you, but I do like you.

Well, if you like
me, boy, shape up.

Get yourself squared away.

I'm gonna get me
another Honor Platoon,

and you will pull
your own weight!

Am I gettin' through to you?

Yes, sir.

Then get outta here!

And I do like you... Get
outta here! Outta here!

(DOOR CLOSES)

And I like you, too. Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, sir.

I just came back to ask you,

do you like me?

CARTER: Left and left and left!

Two! Three! And left!

Left and left and left!

Two! Three! And left!

Left and left and left!

Two! Three! And left!

You think it's funny, Private?

Somethin' funny about all this?

You run this obstacle
course, you run it right!

I want an Honor Platoon!

Get over that wall! Get over it!

What are you doin' to me?

Pyle! Pyle!

Pyle! Pyle!

Pyle!

Pyle!

Pyle!

Pyle! Wake up, boy!
Come on, wake up!

Corporal Johnson says you've
been excused from duty for the day.

I wanna know what's
the matter with you!

You sick? Pyle, do you hear me?

(SNORING)

Pyle, I wanna know
what's the matter with you!

Come on, boy, wake
up! Up, up, up, up!

Hmm? Hmm?

You up now?

Why can't you work today, boy?

Come on, what is it?

(SNORING)

Pyle, are you awake?

Can you hear me?

(SNORING)

Hey, Vince, I meant to ask you,

how's your problem child?

Huh? Gomer Pyle.

What do you mean, how is he?

He's a knucklehead,
that's how he is.

You know he reported
to sick bay this morning,

got himself excused from duty,

and he's been stretched
out on his rack all day?

No kidding? All day!

People are all secure, Sergeant.

What about Pyle?

He's still asleep.

He's still asleep?

Hey, maybe he's dead.

No. No such luck.

What's he got anyway?
Did you find out?

Well, sick bay says
he has "acute asthenia."

What's that?

Complete exhaustion, fatigue.

Fatigue? From what? What
did he do? What did he do?

5,000 boots in this camp
and I gotta catch one with a...

With a... "Acute asthenia."

Yeah.

(SIGHING)

Hey, Duke.

Gomer?

How do you feel, buddy?

Fine. You ain't sick?

No, I feel real good.

Y'all ready for breakfast?

Breakfast? Man, it's
time to go to sleep.

You really sacked out, buddy.
You've been sleepin' all day.

All day? Uh-huh.

Shazam!

Was the Sergeant mad?

Well, he said, so far, it
looks like you're the only one

standin' in the way of him
getting another Honor Platoon.

He said that? Yeah.

'Cause you can't make
that obstacle course.

Good night, buddy.

Private!

Good evening, sir.

What's your name,
Private? Gomer Pyle, sir.

What are you doing here, Pyle?

I'm runnin' the obstacle course.

And I'm really doing it, too.

Why? Are you being punished?

Oh, no, sir. You
see, it's like this.

Sergeant Carter, he's my DI,
that means "Drill Instructor"...

I know.

Well, anyways, he's had these
three Honor Platoons in a row.

Ain't that wonderful?

Yes, but I don't
see what that has...

Well, I didn't wanna be the cause
of him not gettin' another one,

'cause he's really
got his heart set on it.

Don't you know it's gonna
make his mama and daddy proud?

So, what I'm doing is,
I'm out here practicin',

and I'm doin' real good, too.

Do you wanna see
me? Uh, no, Private!

I think you'd better get back to
your hut and, uh, and get some rest.

What did you say your name was?

Private Gomer Pyle, sir.

You can call me
Gomer if you want to.

Yes.

You sure you don't
want to see me do it?

It won't take me but a minute.

Uh, no. Never mind.

You go on back to your quarters.

Yes, sir. Good evenin', sir.

Don't tell me. Pyle's
in sick bay again. Right.

Yeah. And it's that
same... That, uh...

"Acute asthenia."

We'll see about that.
Where you goin'?

To see the Battalion Commander

and get him thrown out of
here, him and his athenia!

Asthenia. I know! I know!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Sir, Gunnery Sergeant Carter

reporting to Battalion
Commander with a request.

At ease, Carter.
What's on your mind?

Well, sir, it's about
one of my recruits,

a Private Gomer Pyle.

Sir, he is about...
Oh, Gomer Pyle, yes.

Oh, the Colonel's
already heard about him?

I'm not one bit surprised...

Carter, I don't know how
you do it, but you do it.

Sir?

Now, don't be modest, Carter.

To inspire
conscientiousness in a recruit

that'll make him want to go out
and run that obstacle course at night,

when he ought to be sleeping,
you gotta be pretty persuasive.

Sir?

Well, there he was, last
night, your Gomer Pyle,

running that obstacle
course like a veteran

and telling me what
a great DI you are.

How do you do it, Carter?

It's no wonder you
get Honor Platoons.

I wish you'd share your secret
with the other DIs at this base.

We could use more men like you.

And more recruits
like Gomer Pyle, right?

What was your request, Sergeant?

You wanna make Pyle
your guidon bearer?

You go right ahead. You
don't have to ask me about that.

Well, carry on, Sergeant.

Is there anything
else, Sergeant?

Sergeant? Sir?

Oh, no, sir.

Thank you, sir.

(MEN CHATTERING)

Attention!

Hold it down! Hold it down!

What's the matter
with you knuckleheads?

Can't you see we got
a man sleepin' here?

As you were.

Pipe down.

This boy needs his sleep.

He's got acute athenia.

CARTER: Pyle!

Hey, Sergeant, sir.

What do you think
you're doin' out here, boy?

Well, sir, I was just... Don't
you know the punishment

for leaving your quarters after
you've been secured for the night?

Yes, sir, but... What
are you trying to do?

Get yourself
court-martialed, boy?

No, sir. Then what
are you doin' out here?

Well, sir, the fact is

I've been comin' out here to
practice runnin' that obstacle course.

I wanted to help you get
that there Honor Platoon.

And you won't believe this, sir,

but I think I got
this course licked.

You have, huh? Yes,
sir. Here, let me show you.

No. That's all right.

I'd be glad to do it. It
won't take me but a minute.

No, never mind. No.

Uh, look, boy, it's good
you can run the course,

but you gotta do it
during regular hours.

You understand? Yes, sir.

Now, tomorrow you can show
me how good you can do it.

Yes, sir. And I do
it real good, too.

I shove off just right and go
right across and everything.

Here, let me show you. No, no!

Tomorrow, tomorrow.

You get back to your
quarters now. Yes, sir.

Where's your cap?

You're standin' on it, sir.

Oh.

What happened, Sergeant?

Didn't you give yourself
a good enough push?

See, when you go all
the way across like that,

you gotta shove off real hard.

And then you'll
swing right back,

and your weight will
take you all the way over.

I did it.

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