Gold Digger (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

He was my husband.
And you were my best friend.

We need to speak to you, in private.

I'm really sorry.

They're exceptionally protective
of their mother.

Why aren't you with
someone your own age?

I WAS with somebody else.

I even thought that I was going
to marry her.

Della, this is Heidi, my associate.

GULLS CRY

Will you marry me?

GULLS CRY



Forever.

It's a long time,
even with the right person.

And with the wrong person...

..it's a slow death.

Oh, God!

This is...this is not a no, is it?

No.

So...so, that's a...a yes?

You don't have to get me a ring.

Yes, I do.

Otherwise, how will everybody know
that you belong to me?

Oh, very droll.

THEY CHUCKLE
I want to get you a ring.

And I want to buy it.



THEY GIGGLE

Ooo, that is quite something.

LOW CHATTER

Morning! Excuse the state of us.

Just out for a run.
Yeah, we can see.

How are you both during
this never-ending festive season?

Actually, we're... In a rush.
We're in a rush.

Enjoy your, er...exertions.

Huh!

He's going to have to know
eventually.

Truth is, I'd prefer it
if it was just for us.

It seems illicit.

Isn't that just another
word for wrong?

LOW CHATTER

Why do you want to marry me?

Hm? Why marriage?
Why not just us, as we are?

Hm!

I knew I should have bought
that ring right there and then.

HE SIGHS
OK.

I want to marry you because
I love you and I want to know...

I want to know that it's just me
and you, it's us forever.

Satisfied? Sorry.

I never thought
I'd get married again.

I never thought I'd ask again,

seeing as last time,
I'd barely got the question out

before I'd been dumped.

Mm. Yeah, I hate how she did that
to you.

HE SIGHS

I think the point is,

we have to be allowed to hope that
things can change,

can get better.

Otherwise...we're not moving
forward, we're just stuck.

Stuck holding on to some
shitty past.

So wise for one so young.

Bugger off.
SHE CHUCKLES

Now, can I please be allowed
to go back to sleep,

or have you got any more wobbles
you'd like to share with the group?

Bugger off yourself.

SHE CHUCKLES

HE PANTS

She was MY wife.

The person I chose.

The mother of my children.

The woman I wanted to be with.

That counts for something.

Allows me to be the one...

..to save her from HIM.

Hot. Be careful. Yes.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

They might surprise you
with their reaction.

How was the drive?

Dreamy, until we got off the M5
and Elsie completely lost her shit.

It's OK, though,
she just wants the boob.

Eimear, this is Benjamin.
Oh! Guessed as much. How you doing?

Yeah, yeah, I...
Be gentle with my husband.

Office Christmas party last night.
Say no more.

Ignore her.
I'm suffering no ill effects.

Yeah, cos you're still tanked.

I've missed you.

How are you, Patrick?
Good to see you.

And you, Benjamin, and you.

Cavalry have arrived.

Like the hair. Very, um...Borstal.

Ooo!

Land of no signal.

Oh, yeah, there's a spot
out by the field I found
you can get three bars.

Oh, there is, is there? Granny!

Can you, er...give me a hand?
Granny!

You look painfully thin, darling.

You always say that,
however rotund I am.

Well, you've never been rotund
in your life.

I saw 18 yellow cars, Granny!

Oh, my goodness,
that's so many yellow cars!

Who's he?

Hello, Charlotte, I'm Benjamin.

She takes a while to warm up.

With people she doesn't know.
No offence, Benjamin.

That's a very wise policy,
Charlotte.

Mm! Oh! Mm-mm.

I've got to make a work call.

Er... Er...
We, um...er...we have some news.

So I see. Poor old Volvo.

Let's go and see the Christmas tree,
everybody! It's Christmas!

Christmas-time!

Yay! There's so many presents!

Leo says you've given my room away.

Yours is the only south-facing one,
so, um...

Benjamin's in here,
working all hours.

He's, er... Well, a master's isn't
the joke that it was in my day.

And before you ask
who's paying for it, I am,

but he's going to pay me back.

I wasn't going to ask.

Honestly, I didn't think you'd mind.
You're hardly ever here.

Time to put away childish things
and all that.

Mum, I really don't mind. It's fine.

All... They're all in diff...
Yes, I'm so sorry.

And that is one for Charlotte,
as well.

Aw! Hm! Oh, that's grim.

Hey, it's not my fault
if you're not getting any, bro.

Ooo! Careful! Leo! It's all good.

Oh, what a hero! Here you go.

Right, as reigning champion,
I get to pick the first game.

Thank you. Ladies?

It's the one we all love.

JULIA LAUGHS

You all right to be banker? Yeah.

Oh, but can we trust him not to
dip his hand in the pot?

Depends on the stakes.

Um...it's a grand sum of £1
everybody puts in for each round.

There are ten different games
in total

and if, by the end of Boxing Day,

we haven't all got furious with one
another and given up...

Della-gate, 2009.

LAUGHTER
One year, it was one year.

And, might I add, it was in response
to you doing a shitload of cheating.

Language! Oh, we've kind of lost
that battle already.

Anyway, we play...we play
some more,

someone wins, usually Dad.

We're not making it sound like a lot
of fun, but I promise you, it is.

Please play.

Word to the wise, Benjamin,
it is a blood sport.

I prefer to just sit back and watch
them tear each other to shreds.

Sounds like a plan.

Benjamin, make yourself useful.

Scorekeeper. Lucky you!

Is Patrick all right?

Yeah, last time I checked.

How's he dealing with you
going back to work?

Well, he survived that body blow,

what with living in
the 21st century and all.

I just meant that today,
he seems a bit, um...

And that has to be down to me,
does it?

We're good. We're actually better
than we've been for a while.

That's good, you deserve it.

Both of you do. I think Patrick...

I think he's just adjusting to the
fact that everything is different.

I mean, I'd heard plenty enough
about your man there already,

but Patrick missed out the part
about him being a stone-cold fox.

Hm! Worth all the aggro, I hope.

BIRDSONG

I'm not telling you to upset you,
I'm telling you...

..I'm telling you so that you don't
find out from anybody else.

No, it's not gloating, Ali, it...

Well, it's called common decency.

Anyway, look, I've got...I've got
to go.

Yeah. Take care yourself. Bye.

I couldn't find you. Sorry. Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Hm! Sorry.

I... That was...that was Ali.
I called her. I, um...

I wanted her to know.

It's...it's good news and I just...
I wanted to share it.

I will tell them.

How's she take it?

Not what I expected, actually.
She...

She was actually...sort of gutted.

Hm.

Funny how things turn out. Hm.

LOW CHATTER

I can carve, Mum.

Which is code for "give yourself
the biggest portion".

You're hardly going to go hungry.

Please, be my guest. It'll be
the most work you've done all year.

I don't know where you put it all.

If I ate as much as you did,
I'd be as big as a house.

Hardly. Come on, look at you.

I'll have you know,
bar work is actually very taxing.

Mum said they fired you.
They didn't fire me.

There weren't enough shifts.

Oh! What with Christmas being
such a quiet time and all?

I think we need more red down here.
Benjamin, would you do the honours?

Oh, yeah, of course.

It's very nice. You guys brought it?

Oh, yes! Yeah! Sorry.

I can top my own wife up,
but thanks, you're a real gent.

We're getting married.

Benjamin proposed and I said yes.

LEO CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY

THUD!

Sorry, are you two on Xanax?

Because we're not behaving like
children? It's called caring!

Fuck me! What about Dad?

What about him?

You only got divorced
five minutes ago.

I'd say your father gave up
the right to have his feelings
considered

when he decided to sleep
with my best friend.

LEO SIGHS

So, when's the big day?

Well, we, er...we haven't talked
about that yet, but hopefully...

Not for a long time, I'm sure.

Patrick? I'm sure you've got
something to say about it.

Apparently not.

Patrick has decided now is
the perfect time to stop telling
everyone what to do.

Go easy, Leo, won't you?

It's hardly bog-standard news.

You're getting married?

Yes.

You're getting married to him?

I'm still sitting here.

Patrick?

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Patrick, please don't ignore me.

It'll be getting cold - lamb.

LEO APPLAUDS

Very good.

Man of the house.

DOOR OPENS

Della?

I'm fine for ham.

No, I...I meant, what do you think?

I think...

I think I don't understand
why anyone gets married.

I have to say, it's not often
I'm grateful for the fact
I've got no family.

Well, no-one's got no family,
unless you're in a Dickens' novel.

HE CHUCKLES

That's not what I'm talking about.
Um...

I mean, I'm sure there are cousins
and aunts and all that, but...

..I'm talking about close family.

You know, the ones who can...

The ones who make you feel...

..smaller.

Well...it's a lot for them
to take in.

You're right, you're right.
Of course, you're right.

No, I suppose
no matter how car-crashy it was,

at least we can console ourselves
with the fact that the worst
is over.

HE EXHALES

FOOTSTEPS

Er...Julia's here...to see you.

I hope you're not going to change
our arrangements for tomorrow

because, you know, it is customary
for a father to see his children

on all the major holidays.

I'm not changing any arrangement.
Good. Good.

Because last year wasn't the same,
not seeing them.

That was their choice, not mine.

If you say so.

What I came to tell you

is Benjamin and I
are getting married.

Well, it's obvious
why he'd want to marry you.

Oh, yeah? Why's that?

For your money.

SHE LAUGHS

I forgot that I was utterly devoid
of any other charms.

Why you'd say yes,
that's the bit I can't fathom.

I don't want another row.
Who said anything about rowing?

We're just having a conversation,
a perfectly civil one.

Remind me, is it three
or four months

since the divorce came through?

Well, let's see the ring, then.

Don't be shy, I'm sure
it's quite the rock he's got you.

Three months' salary,
that's what I spent on yours.

I know Benjamin is basically
still in school,

but for an occasion like this,
I'm sure he pushed the boat out.

You really are such a child.

Says the woman marrying one.

Ah! Ha-ha!

I didn't come to ask for
your blessing,

I just came to tell you.

Which I've done,
so I'm going to go now.

I'm trying to help you here, Julia,
believe it or not.

I don't want you made a fool of.

What - any more than you did?

Ah! And there we have it,
what this is really all about.

You getting revenge on me.

Oh, shut up!

It would be easier and a lot cheaper

if you'd just admit
you're still in love with me.

Do you remember how happy we were?

How happy we were that day?

You with your ridiculous mullet

and me with a waist this thin
and a smile as wide as my face.

And it was just like...it was like
nobody else mattered.

It was just us.

I remember.

If I'd known then what was coming

and who you really were,

I would NEVER have said yes.

Don't you think for one second

that this is anything
even to do with you.

Where shall I send the flowers to?

On second thoughts, I'll hold off.

Cos you and I both know
you'll never go through with it!

HORN BLASTS REPEATEDLY

Mum! Mum, Mum! Stop...

HORN DROWNS OUT DIALOGUE

Mum! Fuck, Mum, I was asleep!
Is everything all right?

I need you all to hear me.
What - and the neighbours, too?

Give us space. Go on back inside.

I found myself last night
wanting to apologise.

As if I...

We've done something wrong.
We haven't.

We're in love, however difficult
or absurd you might all find that.

And as a consequence, we're getting
married. It's really quite simple.

Yeah, we get the memo.
Do not interrupt me!

I made out like it would be
a long engagement

because I didn't want any of you
to feel any worse

than you CLEARLY already did.

But I am 60 years old.

And I may be YOUR mother,

but that is not all I am.

I refuse to waste any more
of my life

doing what is best for other people.

I want to get married soon.

And you know what?
I want to do it here.

Your support would be lovely.

But in the absence of that...

..I'd ask of you one thing.

Which, frankly,
isn't very fucking much.

I'd ask that you please
keep your mouths shut.

SHE EXHALES

Mum? That was...

That was seriously cool.

Really? Yeah!

Pure She-Ra!

JULIA LAUGHS

Er...last night, I...

I should have just done
what a normal person would do

and say congratulations,
given you a hug.

But I...didn't.

Cos...

cos I'm so supremely shit
at commitment of any kind,

I...can't see past myself,

so I am sorry.

And...

congratulations, Mum.

But can we skip the hug part?

LOW CHATTER

I'm stuck. Hey, I want the blue one.
You can have the green one.

OK. There we go.

Yay!

Um...have you got any preferences
as to colours?

I quite like yellow.

I don't know any of the answers
to the questions.

Well, you know, you can just...

Er...you can just join our team.

Yeah, we need all the help
we can get.

CHATTER CONTINUES

HE STRAINS

HE STRAINS

LAUGHTER

HE STRAINS

Dare I ask?

HE GRUNTS

She's marrying him. She's...?

SHE CHUCKLES

Wow!

I...didn't think she had it in her.

And you're...?

I'm fine. It's non-news.

HE STRAINS

You were married for decades,

it's natural to be upset.

I'm not...upset, I'm really not.

The lady doth protest too much.

HE PANTS

We made a deal.

No more worrying about them,
about her.

It's you and me that matters.

That is a criminally-sweaty
upper lip.

THEY MOAN

HE GRUNTS

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

INCOMING CALL

I have some seriously bat-shit news.

And don't shoot the messenger,
but M-Mum's...

LEO SIGHS

..she's engaged.

It's good to hear from you.
Are you listening?

Dad, Mum is getting remarried
to that...

Him. I know, she told me.

She...she did?

Thanks.

You always have my back, don't you?

Obviously. You're my dad.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Do you mind?! I knocked.

£50. And in return?

You make yourself scarce tonight.

BIRDSONG

Ha! This is very...stalkery.

Oh, I forgot,
romance is lost on you.

That's what I like for you to think.

Secretly, I fucking love it!

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, these are beautiful!

Thank you!

Wow!

Is Cali not joining us?

Er...I tried to persuade her,

but she, er...muttered something
about plans

with a friend.

Ah! Ha-ha!

Wow! A male friend?

Well, let's hope so,
for all our sakes.

Oh, thank you.

I rather enjoy having a chaste
daughter, thank you very much.

Oh, wow!

This is such a treat!

POP!

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, I taught you well!

Mm.

Cheers, darling.

I think you've given me gout or
diabetes, I'm not sure which yet.

THEY CHUCKLE

I'm not complaining.

Just this little, tiny bit.

Mm!
SHE LAUGHS

What are you doing?

Marsha...

..would you do me
the honour of being my wife?

Put it away.
Put the ring away, please.

What, don't you...?
Do you...do you not like it?

Well, er...we can...get another,
whatever you want.

It's...it's just it's my mother's.

I know it's your mother's.
Given that she can't stand me,

it really makes it all
the more perfect, doesn't it?

Get off the floor,
you look ridiculous.

I-I don't understand.

Really? You don't understand?

I thought this would be
a nice thing,

that you'd...be happy.

Why today?

Why not all the other days?

Because... Because of her.

Julia.

It's Julia!

This has nothing to do with Julia!

DOOR SLAMS SHUT

HE GROANS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

FAINT MUSIC

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

HE SIGHS

# Ba-do-ba-do-ba-de

# Oh, life could be a dream...#

PHONE ALARM WAILS

HE SIGHS

Oh!

HE INHALES

HE GROANS

HE SIGHS

DOOR CLOSES

FOOTSTEPS

Where did you go?

Oh, er...

I made you a coffee.

WHISPERS: No, thank you.

I would've got you flowers...

I don't want flowers.

I can, er...

I can see how it might have looked,
and I...

It was a poor decision.

I...

Are we OK?
I really need to know that we're OK.

It's Christmas, we have to be.

And after?

BABY GRIZZLES

What should we tell Dad about,
you know, your nuptials?

I wouldn't worry, Mum's already
dropped that particular bomb.

Del, if you're getting in, get in.

Leo, sorry, mate,
no room at the inn.

I was going to cycle, anyway.

CAR DEPARTS

When did you tell him?

Yesterday morning.

So, when you came back
all guns blazing,

saying that we'd get married
next year, you'd come from his?

The two things aren't related. Oh?

Because I am...I am starting
to wonder

whether you actually
want to marry me,

or whether this is just some
really fucked-up way of getting back
at Ted.

I could ask you the same thing.
Rushing to tell Ali

so that she could - what, regret her
mistake and come running back?

I want this.

I'm just not entirely
sure that you do.

BIRDSONG

LOW CHATTER AND LAUGHTER

You have work yet?

Bibi, it's Christmas, you're not
allowed to ask that.

She's allowed to ask anything
she wants.

THEY LAUGH

You have the same laugh as Dad.

Maybe it's his way of saying,
"I'm still here".

And you, my girls,
are still as foolish as ever.

THEY GIGGLE

HE SIGHS

Oh!

HE SOBS

Oh!

HE EXHALES

Yo-ho-ho!

Who have we here?

We're not kids any more.

Oh, you're a very dapper Santa!

Charlotte will love it!
She's asleep in the car.

I'd wake her, but she gets feral.

Yeah, Della was the same.
She probably still is.

Ah! Hey!

Eleven minutes, six seconds. Boom!

Ah!

I, er...I didn't know
you were a cook.

Hm-hm-hm! Please, I'm not.
This is your father's handiwork.

Oh, no, er...thank you. Um...

Mum made a big breakfast, the works.

LOW CHATTER

How's uni, Cali?

I-I graduated, in summer.

Sorry, I'm crap.

No, it's fine. Thanks for asking.

It means a lot to him,
you all coming.

It's for Charlotte's sake.

Right. Well, um...

Hm! You're here now.

IMITATES SANTA: I don't think
there are any more presents.

I think that's quite enough.

Shall I have a look in my sack?

Ohhhhhhhh! I'm afraid that's it.

But one of my Elfish spies tells me

that Grandpa and...Granny Marsha
have something.

Here...

Ooooooooo! Too many mince pies.

Ooo, what's this? Wow!
Ooo! What's this?

THEY GIGGLE

Oh! What have you got?

She already has a bike.

Not a pink one, Dad!

Deliberately.

Thumbs up, or thumbs down?

THEY CHUCKLE

Aren't you a lucky girl!

ANIMATED CHATTER

HE SIGHS

I do want this.

BELL RINGS

BRAKES SCREECH
Very good.

Grandpa!

I hear I missed Santa.

He was funny.

Show Grandpa how good you are.

Well, we can both...

Watch me ride, Grandpa.

I didn't say a break,
I said time-out.

They're very different things.

So, why are you calling me?

I wanted to...hear your voice.
Hear...how you were.

Maybe even dispense
some festive wishes.

Festive wishes?

Please, Em, please don't.
I hate it when you get upset.

Ahem!

Em, I have to go. I...
TELEPHONE PIPS

Who was that?

Er...no-one.

What are you doing hiding in here?

I'm not. I'm...admiring
your gymnasium.

I don't remember it being
quite so...pimp.

Hm! Yeah, we kitted it out,
after we...

And you're welcome to use it
whenever.

Don't go.

Please.

How are you?

Work, life, love.

Yes to all of the above.

I'd really like if we...

Sorry, Dad, I need a wee.

Get the others after.

There's something I want to discuss
with you all.

When they were dating,
it was one thing, but marriage?

What do we even know about this boy?

What does anyone know about anyone?

Philosopher's in the building.

We know he makes Mum happy.

And he's hardly a boy,
the man's older than me.

You're right, Dad.
We know sweet FA about Benjamin.

Patrick, tell him about
your digging.

There's nothing online -
incriminating or otherwise.

The only red flag
was an eviction notice,

but now he's made himself
comfortable in our house.

Did you tell your mother? Yes.

And like all things
Benjamin-related,
she quickly explained it away.

Well, obviously, you weren't firm
enough. I should take over.

Sorry, and this is to do with you
how?

Hard as you may find it to believe,

I care about your mother

and I want her to be OK.

Most importantly,
I want you all to be OK.

You want us to be OK?

That's what he said, isn't it?

Have you thought
what it actually means - marriage?

Besides having someone barely older
than you as your stepfather,

it means Benjamin gets half
of everything.

Half of the house I worked
my whole career to pay off.

Half of the savings,
half of the lot.

And when he leaves your mother,
which he will,

he'll be leaving
with your inheritance.

I don't care about the money.

Well, you will when it's gone

and you're stuck forever renting
in whatever shoebox you end up in.

What do you suggest we do?

That's the part I'm not hearing.

I...I haven't got that far.

I just wanted to sound you all out,
check we're all in agreement.

Yep.

We are.

Della?

Leave me out of it.
Why are you always so obstructive?

Why are you always such a dick?!

You don't think the train
has kind of left the station?

Oh, we're hardly talking about
someone with an iron will here.

Don't talk that way about Mum!

Bottom line,

I just want you all,
your mother included,

to be protected against this man.

Our father, the great protector.

Mum will be waiting.

FAINT MUSIC

# Ba-do-ba-do-ba-de

# Oh, life could be a dream...#

HE SIGHS

# If you don't like the way
I talk then why am I on your mind?

# If you don't like the way I rock
then finish your glass of wine

# We fight and we argue
you'll still love me blind... #

Nice moves.

# If we don't fuck this whole thing
up, guaranteed I can blow your mind

# And tonight...#

I was just going to pick up my mum.

You can come, if you like.

I think she'd prefer
if it was just you.

HE SIGHS

BLEEPING

Allow me to accept the things
I cannot change...

..the courage to change
the things I can...

..and the wisdom to know
the difference.

HE SIGHS

CLATTER!

GLASS CLINKS

CHURCH BELLS RING

Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Oh. Make yourself useful!

Where's your overnight bag?
I'll load it into the car.

I'm not coming.

What do you mean?

Last year was too awful.

Pretending everything was normal
when it wasn't.

And that dreadful woman!
Mother, you can't, she's my partner.

You can't speak
about Marsha like that.

Mm-hm!

So, you'd rather stay here instead?

Spend Christmas Day alone? Lovely.

I won't be alone.

Julia's having me over.

You're going to Julia's
for Christmas Day?

That's what I said.

To my ex-wife?
You're going to my ex-wife's?

No fault of mine, that, is it?

You didn't think to phone ahead,

tell me not to bother coming
to pick you up?

We still have church and I'll need
running over to Julia's after.

Told you her news, has she?

What news? Oh, so she's not
so attentive after all.

Julia's engaged to her...to
Benjamin.

That's right, Mother,
a divorcee marrying again.

I'm sure there's something
in the Scriptures about that.

All good wishes to them.

All good wishes?

This is the woman I married!

I'm not the one that forgot that.

I...I've loved her
over half my life!

I haven't always liked her, or...

..been understood by her,
but she is...

She was my one.

Then you're even
more of a fool than I thought.

BIRDSONG

Ooo, hello! Come on,
I'm going to get you!

LAUGHTER

JULIA LAUGHS

Ah, you giggle-pops, come on.

And one, two...

Two... ..three...

BOTH: Whoo!

Mum? Can I borrow you?

Just...hear me out.

Please, Mum.

Read it before you say anything.

Oh! Oh, God!

Hm!

For your sake, Patrick, I'm going
to pretend that didn't just happen.

Prenuptial agreements
are standard practice...

Did your father put you up to this?

When you two are united,
that is really saying something.

He didn't.
I want you to be protected.

If Benjamin's intentions are good,
he won't object.

You cannot seriously believe that.

If I ask him to sign this,
it means one thing.

It means I don't trust him.

And then it's over,
which is what you want.

Look, Mum, this is not some attack
on Benjamin!

No-one goes into marriage thinking
anything other than
it'll last forever.

It's all love and plans

and endless time, but...

..people change.

This is about you.

What's going on?

Nothing. Everything's fine.

I really need you to do this.

If not for yourself, then for me.

It's not fair, Patrick.

Hello, hello! Welcome!

Come in, come in. Ted.

I'll leave you to it, then, Mother.

Happy Christmas, I guess.

And you, son.

You're here!

THEY LAUGH

Come on in, come on.

Come in, have a drink.

Who do you think you are?

This is my house!

Not any more.

I want you to know
it wasn't my idea.

To...to have your mother.

I don't want you to think I'm cruel.

She prefers you.

And who can blame her?

MUTED

Can I help you?
I'm looking for Benjamin.

I'm his brother.

You told me you were an only child.

If you can lie about that,
you can lie about anything.

There's still time to stop
this wedding,

with a little helping hand.

We think you're marrying our mother
for her money.

Told you he was on my side.
I'm not on a side.

You weren't picking your dad's side
when you hid his affair from me?

I want us to elope.

This is odd behaviour.

There's something
that you're not saying.