Glee (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 9 - Child Star - full transcript

A high-strung demanding tween requests that the members of New Directions preform at his bar mitzvah, and the glee club must come together for their first public performance. Meanwhile, spencer pushes Rodrick to loose weight and Will and Sue finally charge at each other. No seriously!

Sloppy babies!

You're all sloppy babies!

How do you expect to pass
the Presidential Fitness Test

when all you do is sit
on your enormous rumps

while picking at a forehead
full of pimples

no doubt caused by consuming

an entire bag of Funyuns
in one sitting?

Michael Phelps did not win
18 gold medals

by swimming through a pool
of pork rinds!

You think this is hard?

Try consuming your own twin
in utero! That's hard!

I'm not leaving here

until at least three of you
pass out or puke!

If your hands aren't bleeding,

you're not doing it right.

Mark my words,

every kid at this school

will make it up
to the top of that rope

or they will not graduate!

Hey, look, everyone.

It's Puffy's turn.

Come on, everybody,
gather round.

All right, Wiggle Tush,

pretend there's a bucket
of butterscotch pudding

at the top of that rope.

Come on.


You, sir,

are a disgrace to yourself,

your school and your nation.

Sue, I think Roderick
needs to rest for a minute.

Oh, absolutely, Sheldon.
Let's reward failure.

Because while America
is struggling

with type 2 diabetes,

China is colonizing Mars.

Not on my watch!

All right, Double Stuf, come on.

Hoist yourself up there again.

Come on, lad.

And hike up
your shorts, please,

before some poor soul
falls into your butt crack.


We have a problem.
We do?

What's, uh, what's wrong?

You can't climb a rope,
you can't do a push-up,

you can't even do
simple choreography.

If I'm gonna be part of this

whole glee club thing,

it behooves me

to not be strapped
to a lead weight.

you're the lead weight.

Okay, then...
maybe you could help me?

Sorry. What?

Maybe you could help me?

I mean, I could, you know,
try to do better, but...

Cool, yeah.
Try to try.

Try to try.

if you just tried,

it'd be great.
And you know what?

Wait. Stop eating
those gummy bears.

Come on.


- How you doing? - I'm okay.
How are you?

A little tired.

Yeah? Stayed up late last night.

I was watching
that, um, the Yeti...

The Yeti thing.

- Yeah!
- Yeah. Me, too.

Oh, yeah, I just feel
like it was awesome.

That was the coolest
episode of a TV show I've seen.

It was so... Bigfoot,
on the other hand...

100% possible.

Hey, buddy.
I gotta pick up

some sheet music
from you after class.

Hey, man, 'sup?

- I'm Spencer.
- 'Sup?

- You're Alistair, right?
- Wait.

You guys are friends?

Me and Hot Rod?
Hells, yeah.

We're in the glee club together.

We work out all the time
together, too.

I'm kind of like his personal
trainer and his inspiration.

Check it out.

Go ahead. You can touch
the guns if you want.

Don't worry. Safety's on.


I think I forgot
something in my locker.


- I'll be right back, Roderick.
- Yeah.


What was that?
Were you just

flirting with him?
Was that you flirting?

You wouldn't understand.

You're not a player like me.

Well, that was

the weirdest thing
I've ever seen.

If you think that was romantic,

then you're not a player,

you're kind of a creeper.


Superintendent Harris,
it's no secret that

before I became principal
at McKinley High,

well, our students were dumber

than Alabama first graders.

But now,

not only have
test scores skyrocketed,

but we have become the most
tech-savvy school in America,

due to my close
personal relationship

with the Koch brothers,

who generously donated
a special ops drone,

which should be flying
by right about now.

You never cease to amaze me.

Well, thank you, Superintendent.


I have a tiny favor to ask you.

I have humbly submitted myself

for the United States
Principal of the Year award.

It's the type of award that
would make a résumé sparkle.

The icing on the cake

after all of my years
here at McKinley High.

Well, you're not planning
on leaving us, are you?

Oh, no. No, absolutely not.

Don't believe everything
Becky Jackson tweets.

Uh, the only thing I need

to complete my application

is a letter of recommendation.

From you.

Which I have right here.

I will need to, uh,

review this, of course.

In the meantime,

I have a favor

I'd like to ask of you.

Glee Club, William, Frodo...

this fine young man

standing next to me

is Superintendent Harris's

one and only nephew,

Mr. Myron Muskovitz.


Myron is about to celebrate

the most important day
in a Jewish boy's life:

his bar mitzvah.

It's a sacred ritual

in which he becomes a man

and, thus, a full-fledged member

of the, uh, Jewish community.

And I'm putting on a show.


Myron will be performing

a little musical number
at his bar mitzvah party,

and he would very much
appreciate it

if you would give him
any pointers.

And did I mention

he's the superintendent's


Okay, so this is just rehearsal,

so be kind.


Hit me!

♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ I put it right there,
make it easy for you to get to ♪

♪ Now you want to act
like you don't know what to do ♪

♪ After having done everything
that you asked me ♪

♪ Grabbed you, grind you,
liked you, tried you ♪

♪ Moved so fast, baby,
now I can't find you ♪

♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ If you can't make me say ooh ♪

♪ Like the beat of this drum ♪

♪ Why you ask for some? ♪

♪ You ain't really want none ♪

♪ If you can't make me say ooh ♪

♪ Like the beat of this groove ♪

♪ You don't have no business
in this ♪

♪ Here's your papers, baby,
you are dismissed ♪

♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪

♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath. ♪

Wow! Wow!

That was amazing.

Myron, you are very talented.

Oh, thank you, Miss Berry.

I'm a huge fan,
so that means the world to me.

But here's the rub:

I want my bar mitzvah
to be perfect.

Not good, not great... perfect.

How can I improve this number?

Seriously, give me notes.

Um... maybe your dancers

could just smile
a little bit more?


Okay, exactly.

I-I already told them that.

I already told you that!

What's wrong with you people?

You know, I thought
I hired professionals,

but obviously, I was mistaken.

You're fired!
Get off this stage!

Now, bitches!

May I speak with the adults,

Do anything he asks.

This stage is sheer heaven.

My uncle said I could
use it for my party

if it's okay with you.

Of course you can.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

You're my new best friend.


Now, best friend, I'd also like

the glee club
doing my opening act.

And I'd also be happy
to pay them...

Say, 20 grand?

What? Tw... um...

wow, that's...
that's very generous.

But, uh, unfortunately
show choir bylaws

- forbid us from accepting any compensation.
- Okay.

Then you could do it for free.
It'll give your kids

invaluable stage experience.

Doesn't that sound fun?

Hey, I thought I told you
to leave, skank!

Now! Go!

Uh, Myron,
although we would usually

jump at the opportunity
to perform,

right now we're just really busy
practicing for sectionals.

They accept.

Knock, knock.


Hey, Mason.

How's it going?

Well, I've been better.

I got a "C" on my math test.

When I have a bad day,
I usually drown my sorrows

in endless breadsticks
at Breadstix.

Hmm. It is as
good as they say?

Have you never been?

No, my mom says
it's infested with cockroaches.

Oh, no, it's okay.
They fumigated.

Maybe I could
take you next week?

I could teach you
how to eat your feelings.

Mmm, where are we eating?

Um, Breadstix.


No. No, Mason,
we talked about this.

It's crunch time
in Cheerios! Season.

We're completely
overhauling your diet.

No carbs.

We need you lean and mean.

Jane, it was nice
talking to you.

Walk me to class?

Thanks for coming, guys.

I have kind of a weird problem,

so I'd prefer if it
stays in this room.

I've been trying to talk
to Jane a little lately,

um, 'cause she's really talented
and gorgeous,

but I'm having some trouble.

Can I be dismissed?
Women are weird

and mysterious creatures and I'm bored.
No. No, no, no.

Listen, look...
I want to take Jane out,

but my sister
is screwing everything up.

Wait, aren't you guys dating?

Ha, ha.

I'm just kidding.

But seriously,
aren't you guys dating?

No, come on. We didn't
have it easy growing up.

Our parents were more concerned
with performing

than being parents,

so Madison kind of acted
like a second mom.

She's been treating me like
a small child my entire life.

Every second of every day,
she's there.

I-I just can't function.

So, I need her out of my way.
For a bit.

One of you two needs
to ask her out and distract her.

Well, I'm not an option,
for obvious reasons,

so, no, but...

Dude, you just got done telling
us how crazy your sister is.

I-I'm sorry, but no way.

Come on, guys, help me out here.
Help yourself.

Tell her to back off
so you can score some tail.

Simple. And you...

you're gonna meet me
in the gym after school,

so that I can whip your ass
into shape.

Then you're gonna help me
get a date with my boy.

How did this become
about you guys?

So I was thinking for
the bar mitzvah, since Myron is

very theatrical, that
the glee club could hit him up

with some Broadway,
but, like, modern,

downtown, up-tempo stuff. Do
these kids even like Broadway?

I don't know some
of the new ones.

What are they like?

I mean, they're great.

They're so nice.

Such a vibrant group.

So energetic.

But they're quiet, you know?

They're very, like...

you know, within themselves.

Quiet... because
you're always talking?

You think I'm the worst.

No, Rachel...

No. Not at all.

I think this bar mitzvah

is exactly the challenge
they need right now.

Performing in front
of a big audience

will force them
to band together.

But if you don't
know them very well...

I don't know.

Maybe it's time to push them

to make some choices themselves.

Okay, everyone.

Take your seats.

We have some
really exciting news.

So, Myron really liked

our suggestions.

And he has decided
to have us perform

at his bar mitzvah!

Can you believe it?

You guys, I thought that
you'd be more excited.

So, you want us
to sing at a spoiled

little rich kid's
birthday party?

It's a bar mitzvah.

Have you guys had any
Jewish life experiences?

This is a sacred honor.

Guys, why aren't you
more excited about this?

Are we actually gonna sing
or are you about

to announce an alumnus
walking through the door?

No, this is all about you guys.

Myron is trusting us
and we are trusting you.

That's right!
The clock is ticking.

Sectionals is in
two weeks, guys.

Don't underestimate
this challenge.

There is no tougher
audience than...

- Jews!
- Tweens.

Vicious, pubescent tweens
with zero tolerance

for a bad act.

So, pair up, triple up,

pick some songs,
this is gonna be great.

We want upbeat.

We want energy.

We want epic!
All right!

This is incredible!

Were we not just
talking about doing

gender role-reversal duets?

Were we not?!

Mason, I'm freaking out!

Well, my short list is
actually a long one,

so we should really start
brainstorming now.


Focus... huge

opportunity knocking
at the front door!

Yeah, yeah. I'm in.

- Grab a chair.
- Yeah, I'm in.

You know the best thing
about being a dude?

I'm eating my chicken for lunch.

But later,

if I lick my lips like this,

mmm, I'm tasting it all day.


Hey, Sue?

You-you doing okay?

No, actually, uh...

I haven't slept for three days.

Mind if I put my coffee down

on this decorative end table?

Hey, Sue, what's,
uh, what's going on?

I have become a personal slave

of one Myron Muskovitz.

We start the day with a series
of vitamin B drips.

And the eight-hour
pitch session begins.

Okay, well, then...

how about a Hawaiian-themed
bar mitzvah, huh?

These ideas are terrible!

They're tired!
They're not fresh!

They're not new!

The theme should be me!

I am the theme!
And I want to make

my big reveal by coming down
out of the rafters

in a giant Fabergé pod!

Now, Janet, can you
get me my espresso?

He says "my espresso"
as if every bean

was cultivated
specifically for him.

Every night is spent

reading the Torah aloud
while Myron sleeps,

so he can absorb the bit he has
to read at his bar mitzvah

without having
to memorize it himself.

I said read the Torah!

Sue, this kid is a nightmare.

This has to stop.

Oh, it will... once you,

Johnny Want-a-peen,
Homeless, Rachel,

the glee club and I
agree to become

his backup dancers

at his bar mitzvah.
Wait, what?

Wait, he wants us?

Yes, we are his last resort.

He blew his entire
entertainment budget

on airfare for a callback
of 100 dancers

in which there was no dancing.

He just called them in
one at a time and said,

"Are your allergies
as bad as mine today?"

Now, hold on! I could see
if this kid wanted Rachel, Will

and even Sam, but me?!

Come on, I can't even dance!

My knees have been shot
since my bull-riding days.

Well, I am being forced
to participate,

so I am forcing you
to participate.

So there's at least one person
who's a worse dancer than I am.

I'm in.

Hey, Jane!

Hey, sorry.

Hey, man!

- Excuse me, hey! Hey!
- Watch it!

Hey, you know, I was thinking,
you know, we should probably

do this bar mitzvah duet

Oh, um, we would kill it,

but I'm already paired
with Roderick.

Well, is Roderick taking you out

for pizza after rehearsal?

Oh, is pizza part of
Madison's deal-a-meal plan?

Well, I won't tell if you won't.

I'm kind of a badass.

The only badass I know
that's also a male cheerleader.

Well, you know what they say
about cheerleaders.



uh, good-good things mostly.

Um, listen, uh, if you let

everyone know that we're
switching partners,

then I am... all yours.






All right, focus,
buddy, you got this.

Come on, focus.

Get up there.

Come on, get up there. Yeah.

Yeah, use your feet
to support you!

Come on! Don't stop, Roderick!

You're not even trying!
Come on!

Let's go!
Stop being such a wuss!

That was pathetic.

You have the athleticism
of a couch cushion.

Okay, you know, none of your

tough love, drill sergeant
crap is helping me at all.

- Don't be so sensitive.
- "Sensitive"?

I-I've been taunted
and teased about

this kind of thing
my entire life.

Not to mention I'm
terrified of heights.

Sometimes this stuff is ugly.

When the guys
on the football team

work out, it gets messy
and it hurts!

I'm not on the football team!

You know what?
You are absolutely right!

Because you're too fat
and you're too lazy!

You know, this is why my friend

doesn't want to go out with you.

No one wants to get close to you

because you're a dick!

Where do you think
you're going?!

Hey, I held up my end
of the bargain!

You better hold up yours!

Are you okay?

Hey, hey!

Roderick, hey, hey! Change of
plans! Um, you're gonna sing

a duet with my sister,
and I'm gonna sing with Jane.

Awesome! Thank you.
I don't want to do that.

I don't want to do...

Hey, no cutting!
Oh, no, it's okay. We're twins.

What's up, buttercup?

Nothing, nothing. Same old,
same old, uh, except,

the bar mitzvah thing?
You're gonna sing

with Roderick and I'm
gonna sing with Jane.

Oh, why?
You already did that

with her during Jagged
Little Tapestry Week.

I know, but I-I want
to do it again.

Um, no, you don't.

Trust me. One... she has
beautiful legs so no one

will be looking at yours,
and two...

She has that huge hair
that she loves

to toss around
and upstage everybody with.

That's insane! Look.

I just want to sing with her.

And-and, uh, maybe go
on a date with her.

Mm, mm-mm. No.
Massive mistake, Mason.

I won't allow it.

This isn't your decision
to make, Madison.

For once in your life, quit
being so darn controlling!

Fine! See what I care!

I certainly don't want
to be controlling!

And while you're at it,
why don't you

just never listen to me again!

Like that time
I told you not to eat

an entire bag
of sugar-free gummy bears,

and you had diarrhea
and everyone

thought it was a mud slide!

Madison, come on!


Um, I think it'd be easier
for everyone

if I just sang with Roderick.

God, you people are annoying!

Stop cutting!

♪ I don't care
if Monday's blue ♪

♪ Tuesday's gray
and Wednesday, too ♪

♪ Thursday, I don't care
about you ♪

♪ It's Friday, I'm in love ♪

♪ Monday, you can fall apart ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
break my heart ♪

♪ Oh, Thursday
doesn't even start ♪

♪ It's Friday, I'm in love ♪

♪ Saturday, wait ♪

♪ And Sunday always
comes too late ♪

♪ But Friday never hesitate ♪

♪ Dressed up to the eyes ♪

♪ It's a wonderful surprise ♪

♪ To see your shoes
and your spirits rise ♪

♪ Throwing out your frown ♪

♪ Just smiling at the sound
as sleek ♪

♪ As a sheik spinning
round and round ♪

♪ Always take a big bite ♪

♪ It's such a gorgeous sight ♪

♪ To see you eat in the middle
of the night ♪

♪ You can never get enough ♪

♪ Enough of this stuff ♪

♪ It's Friday, I'm in love ♪

♪ I don't care
if Monday's blue ♪

♪ Tuesday's gray
and Wednesday, too ♪

♪ Thursday, I don't care
about you ♪

♪ It's Friday, I'm in love ♪

♪ Monday, you can fall apart ♪

♪ Tuesday, Wednesday,
break my heart ♪

♪ Thursday doesn't even start ♪

♪ It's Friday, I'm in love ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Do-da-do-do-da-do-do ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Hey. ♪

Spencer, that was amazing.

And a love song... not what
we would expect from you.

That was a great song,

But probably not what we're

looking to do
at the bar mitzvah.

I'd love to see
a new combination, though.

Maybe something with
you and Jane in there.

Maybe Roderick.

Look, fine, I don't care

if you want to throw
other people in the mix

or pick another song,
but I don't think

I should have to sing
with a quitter like Roderick.

I'm not a quitter.
Could've fooled me.

Guys, guys, the point of this
is to band together as a team.

Well, then you might want
to find some people who actually

want to try to be team players.

Yeah, and maybe you could
try not being a dick.

Give a warm bar mitzvah welcome
to our little big man.

Mr. Myron Muskovitz!

Hello, everyone.


Now, we've got a great slate
of entertainers.

I promise you the headliner

is really gonna
knock your socks off.

There's also gonna be
a lot of boring speeches

from my relatives,
so be prepared.

But we've got an amazing group

who's gonna kick
the night off right.

The stars of McKinley High...

Rachel Berry
and the New Directions!

And now let's hear it for

Mason McCarthy!

♪ I want to break free ♪

♪ I want to break free ♪

♪ I want to break free ♪

♪ From your lies,
you're so self-satisfied ♪

♪ I don't need you ♪

♪ I've got to break free ♪

♪ God knows ♪

♪ God knows I want
to break free ♪

♪ I've fallen in love ♪

♪ I've fallen
in love for the first time ♪

♪ And this time I know
it's for real ♪

♪ I've fallen in love ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ God knows ♪

♪ God knows
I've fallen in love ♪

♪ It's strange, but it's true ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I can't get over the way
you love me like you do ♪

♪ But I have to be sure ♪

♪ When I walk out that door ♪

♪ Oh, how I want
to be free, baby ♪

♪ Oh, how I want to be free ♪

♪ Oh, how I want to break free ♪

♪ But life still goes on ♪

♪ I can't get used
to living without ♪

♪ Living without,
living without you ♪

♪ By my side ♪

♪ I don't want to live alone ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ God knows ♪

♪ Got to make it on my own ♪

♪ So, baby, can't you see ♪

♪ I've got to break free ♪

♪ I've got
to break free ♪

♪ I want to break free ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I want, I want, I want ♪

♪ I want to break ♪

♪ Free. ♪

Are you serious?

Oh, my God.

That was ridiculously good.

Look, I already know
what you're gonna say.

No, you don't.

Look, Mason, your performance
up there was really moving.

And it reminded me
how gifted you are

and how crazy I've become.

You're not crazy.

Okay, a little nutty.

Look, I'm not gonna lie...
I was terrified and jealous

when I found out you
had an interest in Jane

because I couldn't
stand the fact

that I wasn't the only
lady in your life anymore.

But the truth is I'm
actually kind of relieved.

You don't need me
anymore, and...

though maybe you
never really did.

I'll always need you, Madison.

I just need a little bit
more room for some other people

so you're not
the only person in my life.

I'm just so used to
taking care of you.

And looking after you.

And it's not really
because I wanted to,

but because I-I
felt like I had to.

You know I'm a better person
because of you.


Well, I'm a better
person because of you.


Okay, but I'm just gonna say
it... Jane is a total stage hog.

- Madison.
- Well, she is.

- Come on.
- She is.

Oh, my God! Help me!
Somebody help me!

- Help, Sue, help me!
- Sue, what's wrong?

Ugh, Myron's hair and makeup
were in peak condition,

so he got into his
stage pod early.

- Wait, is he trapped in there?
- Yes.

Sue, get me out of here!

I go on in five minutes!

The rope's stuck in
that pulley... it's not budging.

Okay, postmodern gay,
use those shapely thighs

to wiggle up this rope
and get that thing down.

- Forget it, Sue. - Oh, come on,
what are you protesting now?

There's only one man
for the job.

What are you doing?

Look, I know I was
a dick before,

but I was the wrong
kind of dick,

and this time, I'm being
the right kind of dick.

And I'm telling you
that you can do this.

Can't we just get a ladder?

There's got to be one
in here somewhere.

No, Roderick can do it.

Okay, Roderick,
time to man up.

Oh, what the hell?

Give me those gloves.

Do it, do it, do it,

do it, do it.

Well, Spencer's got my back.

Do it, do it.

I guess I can do this.

Do it, do it, do it, do it...

You got it.

Come on.


Hang in there, man!

Come on, buddy!

All right, Roderick,

do this for the team.

Almost there. Keep going.

Just a little further.

Yeah, all right, buddy,
all right.

You did it.

I can't believe I did that.

In emergencies,

even babies can lift cars.

I think I pooped myself.

I think I freakin' pooped
myself, Sue. I can't go on.

My future ride, Mr. Reinbeck,
is out there waiting for me.

Do you not get
how important this is?!

Kitty, get me a fist full
of butt wipes,

and, uh, how about a soupçon
of gummy bears?

How does that sound?

But I'm supposed to be onstage.

Don't worry, we'll stall them.

Spencer, Jane, come on.

And Roderick...
You guys with me?


Yeah, we're with you.

♪ This hit,
that ice cold ♪

♪ Michelle Pfeiffer,
that white gold ♪

♪ This one
for them hood girls ♪

♪ Them good girls,
straight masterpieces ♪

♪ Stylin', while in ♪

♪ Livin' it up in the city ♪

♪ Got Chucks on
with Saint Laurent ♪

♪ Gotta kiss myself
I'm so pretty ♪

♪ I'm too hot ♪
♪ Hot damn ♪

♪ Called a police
and a fireman ♪

♪ I'm too hot ♪
♪ Hot damn ♪

♪ Make a dragon want
to retire, man ♪

♪ I'm too hot ♪
♪ Hot damn ♪

♪ Say my name,
you know who I am ♪

♪ I'm too hot ♪
♪ Hot damn ♪

♪ Am I bad about that money?
Break it down ♪

♪ Girls hit your hallelujah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Girls hit your hallelujah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Girls hit your hallelujah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ 'Cause uptown funk gonna
give it to ya ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ 'Cause uptown funk
gonna give it to ya ♪

♪ 'Cause uptown funk gonna
give it to ya ♪

♪ Saturday night
and we in the spot ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Ooh-ah ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Don't believe me,
just watch ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Don't believe me,
just watch ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, oh ♪

♪ Before we leave ♪

♪ Let me tell y'all
a little something ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Come on, dance,
jump on it ♪

♪ If you sexy, then flaunt it ♪

♪ Well, it's Saturday night,
and we in the spot ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Come on ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Don't believe me,
just watch ♪

♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪

♪ Don't believe me,
just watch ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, oh ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Come on ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Say what? ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Come on ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Say what? ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪

♪ Uptown funk you up, ow! ♪

Five, six, seven, eight.

Step together.

Pivot, pivot

and point.

Sheldon, you nailed it.

Sam, you turned
the wrong way again.

No, I think you guys turned
the wrong way.

Sue, where are you going?

That's it... I'm done.
Good night.

No, no, hang in there, hang
in there... you've almost got it.

Hey, as the poet once said...

"Fake it till you make it."

William, in the name
of all that is sacred,

for once in your life,
please, just stop talking.

I don't care about heel
steps or point turns.

Or old-timey sayings found
on grandmas' sweatshirts.

And why are you even still here?

You don't even work
at this school.

You asked me to help.

Excuse me...
You asked all of us.

Shut up, Dreidel. This is
between Butt Chin and me.

So why are you the Pied
Piper of lost causes, huh?

And why on earth do these
idiots think so highly of you

when you've done absolutely
nothing for their lives

except make it worse?

I secured you a dream
job at Vocal Adrenaline,

one of the best show
choirs in America.

And within minutes,
you screwed that up.

And now you're back,
skulking the hallways

with your aw-shucks,
reach-for-the-stars attitude,

and it will not stand.

Susie Q.

May I call you Susie Q?

No, you may not.

The superintendent got you
into this, not me.

So why aren't you
going after him?

Oh, that's right.

You still have a little
crush on old Bob, don't you?

You're thinking if you play your
cards right, you just might get

a date with a guy
who once mistook you for a man.

Ah, that's really sad, Susie Q.

Even for you.

How dare you.

Oh, by the way,

hope you're enjoying
my Axe body spray.

It's a new scent called.

"This woman standing next to me
is clearly losing her mind."

We should just head back over
this way; maybe a Zantac...

All right, let's, uh,
let's go from the top, guys.

Stop it.
You're hurting him.

Is something, uh, wrong?

No, we're just rehearsing.


Yeah, well, let's get
to the stage, people.

It's showtime.


What are you
doing in here?

Playing a ukulele.

I like to jam out on my uke
sometimes to the classics.

So you just happened to be
in here hoping that I'd walk by.

No, Roderick told me
about the bar mitzvah.

Mmm. He said that
you'd be performing,

and that I wouldn't
want to miss it.

And, man, was he right.

Oh, wait, you were
in there watching?

Oh, yes. Yes, I was.

You got some moves,
Varsity Blues.

But actually I wanted a chance
to say sorry for ignoring you.

Maybe I didn't get the best
first impression of you.

Roderick told me about
how you stood up for him.

How you always had his back.

And, well, that was really
cool of you, Spencer.

I got a feeling that underneath
all that macho snark,

you're a pretty sweet
guy on the inside.

Plus, on the outside,
you're smoking hot.

I mean, like, I'm not blind.

You're, like, ridiculously hot.

You know, we still need
people for the glee club

if you're interested.

In the glee club?

Uh, I don't know.

I mean, I might be
kind of a loser,

but am I really that
much of a loser?

I'm gonna say yes.

Well, you're gonna have to
work on that sales pitch

if you really...

And sold.

Places, people!

Well, according to
my doomsday watch,

it's preciously one
minute before midnight.

The final chapter
of World War Glee.

And it all begins
when I trip you onstage.

You're gonna fall on your butt

in front of a bunch
of 13-year-olds.

You wouldn't dare.

Wouldn't I?

♪ If you want it ♪

♪ Take it ♪

♪ I should've said it before ♪

♪ Try to hide it ♪

♪ Fake it ♪

♪ I can't pretend anymore ♪

♪ I only want to die alive ♪

♪ Never by the hands
of a broken heart ♪

♪ I don't want to hear you
lie tonight ♪

♪ Now that I've become
who I really are ♪

♪ This is the part ♪

♪ When I say I don't want you ♪

♪ I'm stronger
than I been before ♪

♪ This is ♪

♪ The part ♪

♪ When I break free ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't resist
it no more ♪

♪ This is ♪

♪ The part ♪

♪ When I say I don't want you ♪

♪ I'm stronger
than I been before ♪

♪ This is ♪

♪ The part ♪

♪ When I break free ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't resist it
no more ♪

♪ You were better ♪

♪ Deeper ♪

♪ I was under your spell ♪

♪ Like a deadly fever ♪

♪ Yeah, babe ♪

♪ On a highway to hell ♪
♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I only want to die alive ♪

♪ Never by the hands
of a broken heart ♪

♪ I don't want to hear you
lie tonight ♪

♪ Now that I've become
who I really are ♪

♪ This is the part ♪

♪ When I say I don't want you ♪

♪ I'm stronger
than I been before ♪

♪ This is ♪

♪ The part when I break free ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't resist it
no more ♪

♪ This is the part ♪

♪ When I say
I don't want you ♪

♪ I'm stronger
than I been before ♪

♪ This is the part ♪

♪ When I break free ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't resist it
no more. ♪

Hey man, do you, uh,

know of any protein supplements
that you like?

You know what, buddy,
skip the supplements

and eat some
organic chicken instead.

You'll thank me for it.

Oh, well, actually, I already
owe you a debt of gratitude.

I've, uh, started working out
and eating better.

I still sneak a few Cheetos
before bed sometimes,

but I actually feel
really great.

And you had my back
and you challenged me

to make some important changes,
so thank you.

That's awesome, buddy.

Glad I could help.

Uh, sorry, but I got to run.

Oh, yeah.

I heard you're hanging out
with a certain someone.

Yeah, Alistair and I
are finally going out.

He's amazing.

He's the first guy I've ever met
who actually makes me nervous.

I really like him.

I hope I don't screw it up.

Yeah, I hope you don't, either.

Let me
help you with these.

Organize a little bit.

Oh, Myron, hi!
Are you here to thank us

for throwing you the
greatest bar mitzvah

in the entire world?

Because a note would've
been sufficient.

Um, these words

are like poison on my tongue.

Myron Muskovitz is
the newest student

here at McKinley High,

and he would like to join
the glee club.

You're not my mother!

You don't have to speak for me!

Now get me my inhaler!


Hey, come back here!

Don't touch the piano!

Wait, Sue, how-how is this
even possible?

Myron's 13 years old.

Well, that's a very valid point,

and it's one I made
rather convincingly, I thought,

and, uh, Superintendent Harris
chose to ignore it.

Instead, he strong-armed Myron's
middle school principal

into submitting a petition

to the school board
stating that Myron

is so prodigiously talented

that the junior high environment

was no longer suited to him.

Wait, so what you're saying
is that the glee club just got

a brand-new, highly talented
singer and dancer

who happens to be a member
of the superintendent's family?

Wow, Sue, that has got to burn.

It is my Dunkirk, William.

But it is just the first battle

of the great war
to end all wars.

- Hmm.
- And in the words

of a former
vice presidential candidate

and my personal Lamaze coach,

"I do not retreat."

"I reload."

You gonna jump at me again, Sue?

I just might.

And then again, I might not.

I had a plan.

Make this school the best
in the state,

cement my reputation

as the greatest educator
since Mao,

and then ride off
into the sunset

on the back of one of the five

remaining black rhinos
on the planet.

Instead, well, I find myself
right back where I began,

with a singular,
unwavering mission.

I thought I had decapitated

that glee club,
lanced it like a genital wart,

but it has emerged once again
from its feculent roots.

And so here we are.

I will spend the last few weeks
of my professional life

fulfilling what I now know
is my destiny.

This may kill me in the end.
I may not survive

one last charge unto the breach,

dear friends,
but I swear to you,

oh, pretend people

that I'm speaking to in my head

and are very impressed with me,

I will be the last man standing.

As the great Khan once said

to Captain James T. Kirk,

"From hell's heart
I stab at thee, William."

They can bury me in this
hurt locker if they want to,

but you
and your entire glee club

are going to be buried in here
with me.

Junior high's small potatoes.

I can see that now.

But I'll never forget
you lending me your panties

after I soiled myself
in that pod.


You deserve it.

I don't even care if this is
some weird blood diamond money.

I do deserve it.

Stick with me, sweetheart,

and I'll make sure
you never go hungry.

How about a little sugar?

Uh, that's a hard no on the
kiss, but keep the cash coming,

and you'll always have a friend
in Glee Club,

and trust me, kid,

you're gonna need one.

The New Directions' luck
has officially changed.

I can feel it.

Now with Alistair

and Myron in the club,
we have eight members,

which means we're more
than halfway there.

Every year, there's gonna be
new kids in there.

Some kids that will disappear,

some kids that touch your life
more than others.

You just have to do your best,
hope to make a difference.

Well, you made
a difference with me.

And you with me.

No, I-I'm serious, Rachel.

Sometimes I can't help
but look at you

the way I did
when I first met you, but...

you've evolved into
a very intelligent young woman.

And I am so excited
to be coworkers with you.

Nothing makes me happier.

Me, too.

All right, let's go to work.

♪ She sees them walking
in a straight line ♪

♪ That's not really her style ♪

♪ And they all got
the same heartbeat ♪

♪ But hers is falling behind ♪

♪ Nothing in this world could ♪

♪ Ever bring them down ♪

♪ Yeah, they're invincible ♪

♪ And she's just
in the background ♪

♪ And she says ♪

♪ I wish that I could be
like the cool kids ♪

♪ 'Cause all the cool kids ♪

♪ They seem to fit in ♪

♪ I wish that I could be
like the cool kids ♪

♪ Like the cools kids ♪

♪ He sees them talking
with a big smile ♪

♪ But they haven't got a clue ♪

♪ Yet they're living
the good life ♪

♪ Can't see what he
is going through ♪

♪ They're driving fast cars ♪

♪ But they don't know
where they're going ♪

♪ In the fast lane ♪

♪ Living life without knowing ♪

♪ And he says ♪

♪ I wish that I could be like
the cool kids ♪

♪ 'Cause all the cool kids,
they seem to fit in ♪

♪ I wish that I could be
like the cool kids ♪

♪ Like the cool kids ♪

♪ I wish that I could be
like the cool kids ♪

♪ 'Cause all the cool kids,
they seem to fit in ♪

♪ I wish that I could be
like the cool kids ♪

♪ Like the cool kids ♪

♪ I wish that I could be ♪

♪ Like the cool kids ♪

♪ 'Cause all the cool kids ♪

♪ They seem to get it ♪

♪ I wish that I could be
like the cool kids ♪

♪ Like the cool kids ♪

♪ Like the cool kids. ♪