Glee (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 6 - What the World Needs Now - full transcript

So, here's what you missed
on glee: Rachel got kitty

To rejoin the glee club, and
spencer just joined on his own.

But anyway, the new directions!
Were really good

And they won
sue's weird invitational.

They were sitting on stools,
singing in unison.

Something's definitely going on
between rachel and sam,

'cause, like, they were
hanging out and they kissed,

But it could have something
to do with sue hypnotizing him.

Santana and brittany
are engaged and in love,

But santana's still
super bummed about the time

She came out and her grandma
disowned her. Boo.



And that's what
you missed on glee.

(à la elvis presley):
Hey there, baby.

Ambition is a dream
with a v-8 engine.

Do you start every conversation
with an impression?

Uh, it's the world's
greatest icebreaker, yes.

What's up?

Um, i just remembered

We talked about
getting together this week.

Oh, yeah, is
that still on?

Uh, yeah.

I mean, unless
you want to cancel

Or reschedule.
Do you want
to cancel or...?

I mean, i just...
No, i...

I just,
you know...



Later today,
after school?

Breadstix.
Um...
Cool.

(dionne warwick's "i'll never
fall in love again" begins)

¶ what do you get
when you fall in love? ¶

¶ a guy with a pin
to burst your bubble ¶

¶ that's what you get
for all your trouble ¶

¶ i'll... ¶

¶ i'll never fall
in love again ¶

¶ i'll never
fall in love again ¶

¶ what do you do
when you kiss a girl? ¶

¶ you get enough germs
to catch pneumonia ¶

¶ after you do,
she'll never phone you ¶

¶ i'll... ¶

¶ never fall in love again ¶

¶ don't you know that
i'll never fall in love again ¶

¶ don't tell me
what's it all about ¶

¶ 'cause i've been there
and i'm glad i'm out ¶

Both: ¶ out of those chains,
those chains that bind you ¶

¶ that is why
i'm here to remind you ¶

¶ what do you get
when you fall in love? ¶

¶ you only get lies
and pain and sorrow ¶

¶ so for at least
until tomorrow ¶

¶ i'll... ¶

¶ i'll never fall
in love again ¶

¶ don't you know that i'll ¶

¶ i'll never fall
in love again ¶

¶ i'll... ¶

¶ never fall in love ¶

¶ again. ¶

(knocking at door)

Mother:
Brittany? Sweetie?

What is it, mom?

Your father and i would
like to talk to you.

Sorry to bother you, sweetie.

It's okay.
Mother:
Hey.

What are you
working on?

Brittany:
Trying to find a euler brick

Whose face diagonal
is also an integer.

I'm sorry?

Well, a euler brick is a cuboid

That possesses integer edges a,
which is greater than b,

Which is greater than c,

And face
diagonals

Dab, dac and dbc.

Ooh, the integer's
giving me a headache.

Mmm.

Uh, honey...

Uh, s-sweetie,

Um, i was just
wondering, uh...

Have you ever wondered
how you ended up

A mathematical
genius?

You know, even though
i'm of average intelligence

And your father is of
below average intelligence?

(chuckles):
Yeah.

I'm really not a smart man.

I mean, he's got an iq
of 60, so he should only

Be allowed to harvest vegetables

Or repair furniture.

See, i have
an iq of 60, so...

I just said that.

Anyway, honey,

Your father and i
have talked it over,

And we have decided
that it's time

For you to know
the truth.

And you may find it a
little bit shocking...

What... What is it?
What...
What is it?

Pierce is not
your real father.

What?
What?

What are...

We talked about this.

When?
We talked...

We talked every...
Every day

For about 19 years.

Oh...

I remember.

(sighs)
brittany,

I'm not your real father.

Who is my real father, then?

Yeah, who's her real father?

Your real father...

...Is dr. Stephen hawking.

(gasps)

The robot.

What?
He's not a robot.

Pierce and i, we
went to england

On our honeymoon,

And that's when
pierce told me

That he-- and i'm
quoting him--

He said,
"i am sterile,

And i can't
have kids."

Oh, mom.
What he really
meant was,

"i am virile,

And i can't wait
to have kids."

Mom!

(laughing):
That's classic.

That sounds like something
i would say.

You did say that.
Copy that.

Oh, mom...
Anyway,

I cried
and i ran,

And i ended up
going to a pub

And getting drunk,

And i looked over,
and i saw

Two little wheels

Underneath the stall,

And i ended up having sex
with stephen hawking.

(exhales)
and nine months later,

I got you,

In a indiana barn.

(sniffs)
and i want
you to know

That i'm still your dad,

Even though
i'm not your dad,

And i will always
be your dad.

Okay.

Yeah, and this is just like...

It's just a little shocking.

Oh, i know.

And you know what?

I'm sorry that you
had to wait so long

To hear this.

Okay, well, mom and dad?

Um... I have some news, so...

Uh-oh.
No, no, it's great.

Santana and i
are getting married.

Oh!
Oh...

You see?

These girls!

Santana?
Oh, my gosh!

That's fantastic!

(school bell ringing)

Sam, i'm sorry.
Rachel, i'm sorry.

What are you
sorry for?

Um, for blowing
off our date.

Well, i blew off
our date.

Me, too! I...

Well, look, i know we talked
about just going as friends,

But then...

Look, i'll admit it, rachel.

I have a...
A little thing for you,

And with a
nudge or two,

It could probably grow
into a big thing.

But there's, like,
a huge part of me

That has a bigger thing
for mercedes, so i...

Look, i'd be lying
if i didn't say

That i have feelings
for you, too.

It's just that
i have more important things

To focus on,
like teaching these young kids.

Oh, my god.
I am supposed to be teaching

Health class right now.
Okay? I am so sorry.

I gotta go.
Uh, i love you, rachel. Bye.

Okay. Love you.

(school bell ringing)

Hello, winners!

I don't know about you guys,
but i'm still basking

In the glow of our first

Of many championship trophies.

Kurt:
Well, rachel and i

Want our champions to celebrate
another champion.

Katniss everdeen!

Close.

Burt bacharach.

This is a good time
to go to the bathroom

Or get a snack.

Kurt: Burt bacharach
has written 73--

Count 'em, 73-- top 40 hits.

He's also won three oscars,
two golden globes,

A-a boatload of grammys,

And his music has been
featured on everything

From the simpsons to goodfellas.

And you can't help but grin
when you listen to his music.

His songs are uplifting

And theatrical
and optimistic.

Kurt: We need to soak up
all his uplifting energy

As we get ready
for sectionals.

Which are five weeks away,
but i guarantee you,

Vocal adrenaline
and the warblers

Are doing everything
in their power to regain

Their former glory.

But fear not,

Because we have
a secret weapon.

Is that my cue?

(cheering)
diva!

Yes, i am here to mentor you,

And yes, these might be
real diamonds,

And yes,

My single "shakin' my head"

Is number 89
on itunes.

Ooh...

So, which one of you

Wants me to mentor you?

Somebody famous.
Me, me, me.

Me.
Oh, my god!

(school bell ringing)

So, let's get to it.

What's going on
between you and sam?

We...
Nothing.

I mean, why?
What did... What did you hear?

If the olympics
had a gossip event,

Kurt hummel would be mark spitz.

We were supposed
to go out on a date,

But both of us bailed

Because neither of us
wanted to hurt you.

Mercedes jones
has seen paris, okay?

(laughs)

No, i-i-i love sam,

But we're just friends.

Plus, we already talked
about this.

It's time for you
to get back out there.

I'll think about it.

You know, it feels
super weird

Being in here.
Mmm. I know.

I used to feel that way,
but then i got used to it.

Yeah, well, i'm all for
what you're doing here,

As long as it's a part of

The rachel berry
rebuilding project.

Because we both know
that soon enough,

You're gonna have to go
back to where you belong.

New york. Broadway.

Why are you getting
so worked up about it?

I'm gonna go back.

I know you are,

Because at my lunch yesterday
with russell simmons,

He told me about
a new broadway show

His friend is
producing.

It's a new,
original musical.

They're holding auditions
on friday,

And you're going.

There is absolutely no way

I'm going to get an audition.
Really?

Because i had russell call
and get you one,

So what are you gonna sing?

No, i'm not...
I'm not ready to go back there.

(sighs)

You want to know
what the best thing is

About having our gift?

It's always there,

Like a good friend.

You know, when you open
your mouth, there it is.

But these kids...
You're doing god's
work here, okay?

Nobody's trying
to stop that.

But they're not
going to sectionals

For another five weeks.

And i can tell you
that nothing feels right

If rachel berry
isn't in front

Of an audience somewhere,

Killing it six nights a week
and twice on sunday.

I'm just scared.

I know you are, girl.

And that's why i set up

A little old-school inspiration
for you in the auditorium.

(laughs)

¶ sha la la la la ¶

¶ sha la la la la ¶

¶ sha-la-la-la-la ¶

¶ it's not the way you smile ¶

¶ that touched my heart ¶

¶ sha-la-la-la-la ¶

¶ it's not the way you kiss ¶

¶ that tears me apart ¶

¶ whoa-ho-ho ¶

¶ ooh... ¶
¶ many, many nights roll by ¶

¶ i sit alone at home and cry ¶

¶ over you ¶

¶ what can i do? ¶

¶ ah... ¶

¶ can't help myself ¶

¶ 'cause, baby, it's you ¶

¶ sha la la la la ¶

¶ baby, it's you ¶

¶ sha la la la la ¶

¶ sha-la-la-la-la ¶

¶ you should hear
what they say ¶

¶ about you ¶

¶ cheat, cheat ¶

¶ they say you've never,
never, never ¶

¶ been true ¶
¶ cheat, cheat ¶

¶ whoa-oa-oa ¶

¶ it doesn't matter ¶

¶ what they say ¶
¶ ah... ¶

¶ i know i'm gonna love you
any old way ¶

¶ what can i do ¶

¶ when it's true? ¶

¶ i don't want nobody ¶

¶ nobody ¶

¶ 'cause, baby, it's you ¶

¶ sha la la la la ¶

¶ baby, baby, it's you ¶

¶ sha la la la la ¶

¶ don't leave me alone ¶

¶ sha la la la la ¶

¶ come on home ¶

¶ sha la la la la ¶

¶ baby, baby, it's you ¶

¶ sha la la la la ¶

¶ baby, it's you. ¶

Thank you, mercedes.

Hey, even mentors
need mentors.

I appreciate it.

And you're right,
i do miss new york.

I think about being
in my dressing room

And listening to the
crowd settling in.

But i just...

I can't.

I can't do it.

Welcome to my bedroom.

I've been
in here before.

We dated for, like,
three months.
Uh, i think

I would have remembered if i
dated a guy with glasses, okay?
(purrs)

I have a question.

I would like
to hire you

To be santana's and
my wedding planner.

For free.

Wow.

I'm honored.
Great.

But why me?
Partially

Because it felt like you've
had nothing to do all year.

And also because
you're a director.

And i thought you could really
help me bring my vision to life.

Okay, pitch it to me.
Okay.

I made a list of all the things
that remind me of santana

Because i thought one of
them could be a great theme.

Okay, what are they?

(sighs)

Scissors.
Uh-uh.

Sweet lady-kisses?
No.

Tuna.
(meows)

Lord tubbington
snuck that one in.

Okay. Heaven.
Wait.

Elaborate.
(sighs)
well, uh...

When i'm with santana, it just
feels like i'm in heaven, and...

(dusty springfield's
"wishin' and hopin'" begins)

...Angel wings
remind me of her.

Okay, let's
explore heaven.

(meows)

¶ wishin' and hopin' ¶

¶ and thinkin' and prayin' ¶

¶ plannin' and dreamin' ¶

¶ each night of her charms ¶

¶ that won't get you
into her arms ¶

¶ so if you're lookin'
to find love ¶

¶ you can share... ¶

¶ all you got to do
is hold her ¶

¶ and kiss her and love her ¶

¶ and show her that you care ¶

¶ show her that you care ¶

¶ just for her ¶

¶ do the things ¶

¶ she likes to do ¶

¶ wear your hair ¶

¶ just for her ¶

¶ 'cause... ¶

¶ you won't get her ¶

¶ thinkin' and a-prayin' ¶

¶ wishin' and a-hopin' ¶

¶ 'cause wishin' and hopin' ¶

¶ and thinkin' and prayin' ¶

¶ plannin' and dreamin' ¶

¶ her kisses will start ¶

¶ that won't get you ¶

¶ into her heart ¶
¶ ah-ooh ¶

¶ so if you're thinkin'
about how great ¶

¶ true love is... ¶

¶ all you gotta do is ¶

¶ hold her and kiss her ¶

¶ and squeeze her and love her ¶

¶ yeah, just do it,
and after you do ¶

¶ you will be hers ¶

¶ you will be hers ¶

¶ you will be hers... ¶

I think heaven may be the
perfect theme for this wedding.

Yeah, or not.

Let's keep it
on the list.

I still think the
underworld could be cool.

Let's think
about that.

(school bell ringing)

Sorry to break up
your boy time, boys.

But we have a crisis, and
i need to recruit you guys.

It's rachel. Now, we all know
that she needed

To come back here and lick
her wounds, and i think

It's great that she got the glee
club up and running again...

(clears throat)
and you're doing
a great job, too, kurt,

With, you know,
whatever your thesis is.

But what i
do know is--

Rachel's destiny is bigger
than this place.

And it's not just that
she's scared to try again,

It's almost like
she's forgotten that.

Yeah, but how
are we...
How are...

How are we supposed
to remind her?
Yeah.

Well, we have
to make her homesick.

But isn't she
home now?

We need to make her homesick
for new york.

It's where she belongs.

Artie is already in, and
i put in a call to blaine.

I'm sorry if that's
awkward for you, kurt.

But if you guys will follow me.

Okay.
Yeah.

Okay...
(school bell ringing)

Santana: Britt, i think
that we can invite them,

But i don't really think
that johnny weir

And joan baez
are gonna come.
Hmm.

Between you and me, though,

That lady was the best
"sexter" i've ever had.

Uh, why are you
inviting my abuela?

Because you won't, and
she should be there.

You know,

When i was little, we used
to play wedding all the time.

She would give me
her veil,

And i would wrap her shawl
around me like a dress,

I would march
down the aisle,

And she would hum
the wedding march.

And then she would ask me

What guy i was gonna
marry that day.

My whole life,
i've dreamt of my wedding

With her sitting
in the front row, bawling.

And-and believe me,

If i could get in her head
and bring her into this century,

I would, and i would
forgive her and have her here.

She's my abuela, you know,

Like the lady with the
big plates of rice and beans.

(chuckles)
of course.

But last i heard,
she was on facebook,

Posting about
her diverticulitis,

Trolling for sympathy.

See, it's even more
important-- she's sick.

No, britt, she can't poop.

And i don't think
that's gonna kill her.

Tell that to fat elvis.

(meows)

But, um...

Having her at my wedding
means not marrying you.

And i'd choose you
over everyone.

I choose you, too.

(doorbell rings)

Yes?

Hi, um, abuela lopez?

I'm brittany.
The agency sent me.

I'm your new nurse.

Uh, what agency?

Uh, you know, is
it okay if i just,

Like, go ahead and
set up inside?

Uh...
Yeah.

You look great,
by the way.

You could be peter pan,
except in, like,

A retirement home
production sort of way.

I know a guy.

I'll pick up the new dosage
in an hour.

Thanks, dr. Walgreens.

(chuckles)

Now, should we talk
about your stool?

I am sorry, uh, brittany?

Uh, i don't feel
comfortable

With having a stranger
in my home.

Or talking about my stool.

But i'm afraid i...

Oh, but i'm so
sorry to interrupt,

But, um, i never
miss my telenovelas.

You-you don't mind, do you?

(sighs)

That guy is a bastard.
Mmm.

Ugh.

He's still not
wearing a shirt.

Mmm, i see, yeah.

(chuckles)

Oh.

Is your husband
a good man?

Well, i'm only engaged.

(gasps)
brittany.

Oh,

Young love is
a treasure.

Is there fire
and passion?

I popped a hip once.

Oh!

That makes
a difference.

(both laughing)

You must tell me
all about it.

How you met,

Will you have
any children,

How soon will you
have them, how many?

I'm going to make us a huge
pile of rice and beans.

Actually, i thought
maybe, um...

We could go out
for some fresh air,

Maybe some... Fondue?

¶ queso por dos ¶
hey!

¶ queso por dos ¶
¶ es un plato caliente ¶

¶ queso por dos. ¶

Hola. Welcome to queso por dos,
which i just sold to univision.

Tonight's special invitado,
señora abuela lopez.

Thank you for leaving
your musty hoarder home

And taking three
buses to get here.

Ah.

My mouth is burning.

Oh, gracias.

It's got a mean kick.

Just like you.

Lord and lady
tubbington,

That piñata's
for our guests.
(meows)

As america knows,

I'm getting
married soon.

So the only thing that's
on my mind is weddings.

Oh, and learning
that stephen hawking is my dad.

So tonight's show is
all about weddings.

And, if there's time,
stephen hawking.

Question-- how did you meet
your dead husband, señor lopez?

Ah, hector lopez and i,
alma lopez,

Were childhood sweethearts.

And then he went
to vietnam and died.

Which was sad
but wonderful

Because then i met pedro lopez,

Who ended up being
the true love of my life.

Oh, that is exactly

Like me and my fiancée,
except for the vietnam part.

(gasps) speaking
of american history, fun fact--

First lady eleanor roosevelt had
a best friend lorena hickok.

They vacationed together,

Wrote over 3,000 letters
to each other,

And, legend has it,
eleanor kissed lorena's picture

Every night before bed.

Your cats are reading.

(purring)

Brittany:
Oh, abuela,

Planning a wedding
can be so much work.

Maybe my fiancée
and i should just elope.

Ah!

If you do that,
i'll skin you alive.

When two souls
unite as one,

It is a day
of celebration.

You should be surrounded
by your loved ones,

Especially tu familia.

Friends come and go,
but family is your blood.

And they need
to share in your joy.

Brittany:
Beautifully said.

Alma:
Thank you.

Rachel:
Mercedes.

I told you i came here
to mentor and to guide.

(sighs)

New york is endgame
for you, rachel.

It just is.

You know, sometimes
you need a little bit

Of inspiration to remind
you and light the way.

(christopher cross'
"arthur's theme" begins)

¶ once in your life
you'll find her ¶

¶ someone who turns
your heart around ¶

¶ and next thing you know ¶

¶ you're closing down the town ¶

¶ wake up
and it's still with you ¶

¶ even though you left her
way across town ¶

¶ you're wondering to yourself ¶

¶ "hey, what have i found?" ¶

¶ when you get caught ¶

¶ between the moon
and new york city ¶

¶ i know it's crazy ¶

¶ but it's true ¶

¶ if you get caught ¶

¶ between the moon
and new york city ¶

¶ the best that you can do ¶

¶ the best that you can do ¶

¶ is fall in love ¶

¶ arthur, he does
as he pleases ¶

¶ all of his life,
his master's toys ¶

¶ and deep in his heart ¶

¶ he's just ¶

¶ he's just a boy ¶

Spencer:
¶ living his life
one day at a time ¶

¶ he's showing himself
a really good time ¶

¶ he's laughing about the way ¶

¶ they want him to be ¶

¶ when you get caught between
the moon and new york city ¶

¶ i know it's crazy ¶

¶ but it's true ¶

¶ ah... Ah... ¶

¶ if you get caught ¶

¶ between the moon
and new york city ¶

¶ the best that you can do ¶

¶ the best
that you can do ¶

¶ the best that you can do ¶

¶ is fall in love. ¶

(song ends, applause)

(clears throat)

So, what did you think?

Look, you guys,

Uh, despite your valiant effort,

I just,
i'm not ready to go back.

Mercedes:
Well,

I am not leaving
until you are.

(students chattering)

Excuse me, excuse me.

What are you doing?

I'm meeting my latino fans.

Okay, you know what,
we need to talk.

Right now. Afuera.

Go on.
Thanks, guys.

Don't be mad at me.

Why do you think that it's okay
to go behind my back

And be friends with someone
who would rather see me dead

Than in love with another woman?

You came out to abuela
ten years ago, okay?

Times have changed.

It was three years ago,

And nothing has changed for her,

And it never will.

And believe me,
it's not just the homos

That she has a problem with,
because it took that bitch

50 years to talk
to a black person,

And it was her mailman,

And then she accused him
of stealing her christmas cards.

Well, did he?

No.

Look, either mr. Shue
or rosie o'donnell

Once said, "people are afraid

Of what they don't know."

Okay, i used to be afraid
of greek yogurt,

And then once i added a box
of sugar, it kind of grew on me.

Maybe it's our job

As young, hot progressives
to educate older, scary farts.

I mean, if abuela
gets to know us

And sees that
we're somewhat normal,

Like how i sometimes dance
in my sleep

And how you sometimes dye
your hair blonde for no reason,

Then she'll see us
for who we really are, okay?

And then maybe
she'll understand that, um,

Aside from the awesome
lesbian sex part,

That we're-we're just like
everybody else.

We at least have to try, right?

Okay.

Do you want a signed picture?

Please?
I'm sure you do.

We should, um,
print up our wedding menus

On the back of that.
Yay!

Queso por dos.

(laughter)

(sighs)

Did i ever tell you
that i love you?

Tell me again.

I love you.

I love you.

(carpenters' "(they long to be)
close to you" begins)

¶ why do birds ¶

¶ suddenly appear ¶

¶ every time ¶

¶ you are near? ¶

¶ just like me ¶

¶ they long to be ¶

¶ close to you ¶

¶ why do stars ¶

¶ fall down from the sky ¶

¶ every time ¶

¶ you walk by? ¶

¶ just like me ¶

¶ they long to be ¶

¶ close to you ¶

¶ on the day
that you were born ¶

¶ the angels got together ¶

¶ and decided to create
a dream come true ¶

¶ so they sprinkled moondust
in your hair of gold ¶

¶ and starlight in your eyes ¶

¶ of blue ¶
everybody together.

¶ that is why ¶

¶ all the boys ¶

¶ in town ¶

¶ follow you ¶

¶ all around ¶

¶ just like me ¶

¶ they long to be ¶

¶ close to you ¶

¶ just like me ¶

¶ they long to be ¶

¶ close to you. ¶

That was beautiful, sam,

But isn't that song

A little romantic to be singing
to your friend?

Oh, come on,
we're not just friends.

Um, yeah, we are.

We broke up months ago.
Okay, well, it's kind of

A hard transition
to just being friends.

You know, like, two minutes ago,

It was cool
if i touched your boobs,

But then we break up,
and then it's not, and then...

But you've been
dating people, right?

I mean, you're going
out with girls,

I assumed, and you just
weren't telling me.

No, no, i-i wouldn't lie to you
about that.

Actually, i thought
that if i did,

It would hurt you and
we wouldn't be friends anymore.

Sam.

You're sweet.

Okay, but you have to trust

That our friendship

Is stronger than that.

You have to believe
that we really love each other.

Here, i'll show you.

So, i've been seeing someone.

No, i've been

Seeing a couple of people,

But this guy seems
to be really cool.

Uh, we met at the bet awards,

And he's a christian
rock singer,

And he's saving himself
until marriage, too.

Hmm.
So...

How does that make you feel?

Uh...

A little jealous,

But i guess

Mostly happy for you.

See, that proves that

We've moved
into the friend zone.

And it also proves
that you need to get out

Into the dating world,

And yes, i am talking
about rachel berry.

So you're not, like, bummed out
about me and her giving it a go?

I need you to help heal
her heart.

And yes,

If it makes you feel any better,

I am a little bit jealous.

There we go, that's what i want.

I just wanted to hear
that you were jealous.

(chuckles)
so, um,

Is this, uh,

This christian rock guy,

Is he

"bigger than me"?

Well, yeah, they call him tank,
so what do you think?

(groans)
i'm sorry, sam,

But your little white boy booty
was just an outlier.

Mercedes jones is all
about that bass.

I'm not ready for that.

I am not ready for, uh,

To be one-upped by a tank.

(laughs)

(school bell ringing)

(muttering)

Mercedes, you're here!

Uh, yeah, you texted me,
like, ten times.

What's going on?

I need you to take over
the glee club for me.

You're not going anytime soon,
are you?

No, but isn't that
what kurt is for?

Kurt, yes, uh, kurt,
he's, he's great.

He's my rock,
he's my best friend.

It's just that, you know,

I think that he works better
when he collaborates.

I don't want all the kids
singing "into the woods"

And paula cole this week, so
you'll just keep them in check?

And i'll be back soon, okay?

Is everything okay?

You're doing it?

You're doing it? Oh, my god!

Rachel, i knew that you would.

You are going to kill
this audition.

I just want to say thank
you for what you said

And for what you sang.

(choking up): You were right,
and i know that...

This is all really just
a huge long shot,

And i-i probably
won't even get it,

And i could totally mess up
and forget all my words.

I just...

I'm sorry.

Rachel, what is going on?

I'm just scared.

I haven't been this scared
in my whole life.

You know, when i was
in high school,

And i had all these
big broadway dreams,

I just got used to
everyone laughing at me.

And i figured one day
i would make it,

And i would show them that
i'm not a joke anymore.

(sniffles) and then i did,

And it all fell apart,

And i realized that there is a
whole different kind of laughing

That is way worse, so...

I can't. I can't fail again.

(sniffles)

Rachel, we're all going
to fail again and again.

You think i haven't had
bad nights on tour?

The hardest part

Is just getting up,
shaking it off

And getting on with it.

But let me tell you this.

When you sing,

Nobody's laughing.

Thank you.

All right, now stand up.

And take a deep breath.

Whew.

And there's only two things

That you need to remember.

What's your name?

Rachel berry.

And?

My name is rachel berry,
and i'll be singing

"promises, promises"
by burt bacharach.

("promises, promises" begins)

¶ promises, promises ¶

¶ i'm all through
with promises ¶

¶ promises now ¶

¶ i don't know how ¶

¶ i got the nerve ¶

¶ to walk out ¶

¶ if i shout ¶

¶ remember ¶

¶ i feel free ¶

¶ now i can look at myself ¶

¶ and be proud ¶

¶ i'm laughing out loud ¶

¶ oh, promises, promises ¶

¶ this is where those promises,
promises end ¶

¶ i don't pretend ¶

¶ that what was wrong ¶

¶ can be right ¶

¶ every night ¶

¶ i sleep now ¶

¶ no more lies ¶

¶ things that
i promised myself ¶

¶ fell apart ¶

¶ but i found my heart ¶

¶ oh, promises,
their kind of promises ¶

¶ can just destroy a life ¶

¶ oh, promises,
those kind of promises ¶

¶ take all the joy from life ¶

¶ oh, promises, promises ¶

¶ my kind of promises ¶

¶ can lead to joy ¶

¶ and hope ¶

¶ and love ¶

¶ yes ¶

¶ love ¶

¶ love... ¶

(applause)

What are we doing here?

Uh, does your fiancée work here?

No.
Am i going to get to meet him?

No, this is a surprise, okay?

Trust me, it's...
You're gonna love it.

¶ what's it all about? ¶

¶ alfie ¶

¶ is it just for the moment ¶

¶ we live? ¶

¶ what's it all about ¶

¶ when you sort it out, alfie? ¶

¶ are we meant to take more ¶

¶ than we give? ¶

¶ or are we meant to be kind? ¶

¶ and if ¶

¶ only fools are kind ¶

¶ alfie ¶

¶ then i guess it is wise ¶

¶ to be cruel ¶

¶ and if life belongs ¶

¶ only to the strong, alfie ¶

¶ what will you lend ¶

¶ on an old golden rule? ¶

¶ as sure as i believe ¶

¶ there's a heaven above ¶

¶ alfie ¶

¶ ah... ¶

¶ i know there's
something much more ¶

¶ something even unbelievers ¶

¶ can believe in ¶

¶ alfie ¶

¶ alfie ¶

¶ alfie... ¶

¶ ooh. ¶

Hi, abuela.

Hi.

You look really good.

Did you lose some weight?

Diverticulitis.

So you two know each other?

Um, yeah. Well, uh...

Remember when i was talking
about my wedding?

Uh...
Mm-hmm.

So santana's my fiancée.

So you come into my home,

Treat me with kindness,
lure me here

And trick me
into seeing my granddaughter

And hear her sing?

Yes, because...

I love santana with everything,

And i would do anything
for santana, okay?

Even tricking a sick old woman.

You taught me to be

A strong latina woman.

To be bigger than the world

Was ever gonna give me
permission to be.

And i have.

You-you taught me
not just to exist,

Because i'm worth
so much more than that.

And without britt,
i just... Exist.

She's the love of my life,

And i'm going to marry her,

And-and i want to share
that with you, because...

Without your love,
i-i think i just exist, too.

Please, please,
just come to the wedding.

No.

Right is right.

I love you, santana.

But i don't love your sin.

Girls marry boys,
not other girls.

So you're really not coming?

No.

I'm sorry to disappoint you,

But you disappointed me first.

Good.

I'm glad
you're not coming.

You know,
the new york times said, um,

Half the increase
in support of gay marriage

Is due to
generational turnover.

That's what smart people call
"crazy uptight bitches dying."

You guys lost, okay?

And honestly,
the rest of us are just...

Going about our business,
being normal

And waiting for you
not to be around--

And not because you can stop us
from getting married,

But just because
you're kind of annoying.

You let her talk
to me like this?

Take a look.

Because this...

This is what real
love looks like.

And i love you so much.

But britt is my family now,

And if having her in my family

Means not having you, then...

That's a trade
i'll take any day.

It was like walking
into your old bedroom

After being away.

Like, the comfort
and the smell

And the lights
hitting your face...

It was incredible.

And once i started
to sing, it was like

Everything stopped,
time froze...

My mind hasn't been that clear
in a really long time.

And i think
i sounded pretty good.

Yeah, well, broadway berry's
back at it.

So what
happened then?

Did they just give you
the part on the spot?

Ow! What?
I'm excited.

I don't know.
Mercedes:
You know what?
It doesn't matter.

All that matters is you did
what you set out to do

And you got back
on that horse, girl.

I-- honestly,
i cannot thank you enough,

Mercedes.
I've never felt

So at peace

After an audition.
All i needed

Was that one second
between stepping on the stage

And hitting that first note.

(phone buzzes)

Oh. Damn.

Okay, we have to head
to the auditorium.

I'll meet you guys there.
Don't be late.

You know you don't
need a mentor

To get back to broadway
or new york.

You're going to get
back there no matter what.

Nothing can stop rachel berry.

Thanks.
You're very sweet.

And i'm also happy

You're going to be sticking
around for a while,

Because we have so much
fun working together,

And... All the fun.

Well, what do you say

We enjoy every last
minute of it, then?

Want to get that breadstix
dinner back on the books?

Uh, yeah. Yeah,
that'd be great.

Um, next thursday?

Yeah.

What are you
thinking about?

Abuela.

And how i should
be mad at her,

But i just feel
sad for her.

What are you
thinking about?

Debra messing
and hypercubes,

But also abuela.

God, i shouldn't have said
all those nasty things to her.

It was...
Wait.

(sighs)
now, listen,
i'm really,

Really proud
of how you stood up for me.

You're my lady knight

In shining armor.
(giggles)

And i, um,
i just wanted to believe

That people could really change.

And i wanted her to say
that she accepts me.

But i have a lot of love
in my life already.

A lot. A lot, a lot.

Me.

(laughing):
Yeah. You.

Now, let's go humor

A bunch of
tone-deaf losers

By acting surprised when we
walk in this auditorium.

Deal.

(fake gasp)
oh, my god.

(school bell ringing)

May i escort you
to your seats?

Mmm, you may.

Hello.

Hi.
Roderick:
Good evening.

So fancy.
I know.

Hi.
Madison:
Hi.

These are your
seats, ladies.

Oh, thank you.
Thanks.

(laughs)

Welcome, guests of honor.

Now, as your wedding planner,

I need to warn you
about a major crisis

Regarding the wedding reception.

Since santana's grandmother
is no longer attending--

Such a shame--

There is now an empty seat

At the lopez family table.

And i don't know
what to do about it.

The problem isn't
removing a chair;

The problem is adding chairs,

Because several other members

Of santana's family
want that spot.

Kurt:
Family are the people

Who embrace you with open arms
no matter what.

They can see the pain
in your eyes

Even when you're fooling
everyone else.

Family's about laughing louder,

Smiling bigger
and living better.

Family's like fudge.

Mostly sweet,
with a couple of nuts.

Mercedes: And although we're
not related by blood,

We are bonded by
something much stronger: Love.

And it might be
a little presumptuous,

But we would like to be
in your wedding party.

And the new kids and i
would be honored

To cater, pass out programs

And release the doves.
There had better be doves.

Oh, there will be.

Santana and brittany,
this is for you. We love you.

(burt bacharach's "what the
world needs now" begins)

¶ what the world needs now ¶

¶ is love, sweet love ¶

¶ it's the only thing ¶

¶ that there's just ¶

¶ too little of ¶

¶ what the world needs now ¶

¶ is love, sweet love ¶

¶ no, not just for some ¶

¶ but for everyone ¶

¶ lord, we don't need
another mountain ¶

¶ there are mountains ¶

¶ and hillsides
enough to climb ¶

¶ there are oceans ¶

¶ and rivers ¶

¶ enough to cross ¶

¶ enough to last ¶

¶ till the end of time ¶

¶ till the end
of time ¶

¶ what the world needs now ¶

¶ is love, sweet love ¶

¶ no, not just for some ¶

¶ but for everyone... ¶

Hello!

Oh, my gosh!

¶ lord, we don't need
another meadow ¶

¶ there are cornfields ¶

(cheering)
¶ and wheat fields ¶

¶ enough to grow ¶

¶ there are sunbeams
and moonbeams ¶

¶ enough to shine ¶

¶ oh, listen, lord ¶

¶ if you want to know ¶

¶ what the world needs now ¶
¶ what the world needs now ¶

¶ is love, sweet love ¶
¶ love, sweet love ¶

¶ it's the only thing
that there's just ¶

¶ there's just ¶
¶ too little of ¶

¶ too little of ¶
(doorbell rings)

¶ what the world needs now ¶

¶ what the world needs now ¶
¶ is love ¶

¶ sweet love ¶
¶ is sweet love ¶

¶ no, not just for some ¶

¶ oh, but just ¶

¶ for every ¶
¶ every ¶

¶ everyone. ¶

(cheering, applauding)

You guys are the best!