Glee (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 5 - The Hurt Locker: Part 2 - full transcript

Sue is at it again, trying to mend relationships that she thinks need mending. Meanwhile, Kitty helps Rachel find the perfect set list to win the invitational and Sam recruits football player Spencer to join the glee club.

So here's what you missed on Glee.

Sue sprung a surprise invitational

on the New Directions and the
Warblers and Vocal Adrenaline,

and Will's team got to go
first and they were amazing.

Kind of hard to see how they could lose.

Sue's a secret Klainer
and obsessed with getting.

Kurt and Blaine back together,
except Blaine's dating Karofsky

and Kurt went on a date with
a guy named Walter in his 50s.

KURT: How old are you
exactly? (Walter laughs)

Sue hypnotized Sam to
mess with Will and Rachel.

SAM: Oh, my God, I'm totally hypnotized.

And now Will and Rachel are, like,

actual show choir enemies.

And that's what you missed on Glee.


Vocal Adrenaline, everybody.

Absolutely breathtaking, huh?

I am here to inform all three teams

that I, Sue Sylvester, will be judging

this year's McKinley High
Show Choir Invitational.

What? That's crazy.

I run this school now.

My school, my rules.

And speaking of rules,
I would like to outline

the rules for this year's invitational.

Wait, Sue, you can't change the rules

after one team has already performed.

Sure I can. Rule number one:

this year's theme is "old school."

Rule number two: there are no more rules.

The Dalton Academy Warblers
will perform tomorrow,

and The New Directions will
perform the following day.

Wait, this is a three-day competition?

Where will we sleep?

I imagine you two will
sleep inside one another.

I've chosen to extend the invitational

in an effort to give the
New Directions enough time

to come up with the requisite 12 members,

which is the only show
choir rule anyone remembers

and yet every year is surprised by.

This is insane. We should all boycott.

Oh, no, no, no, Porcelain.
No, this is happening.

Each team will perform
at this invitational.

Even if one show choir's co-director is

kidnapped and held against his will,

causing him to miss the performance.

(microphone feedback hums)

- Mr. Schuester!
- Yes?

We had a deal that you
would have Vocal Adrenaline

perform at a subpar level, and
you dishonored that agreement.

I never agreed to that.

I guess you'll just have

- to beat us on your own
terms. - You know what?

We're just gonna find a
way to win on our own terms.

Which is exactly what you just said.

Wow, we have our work cut out for us.

Vocal Adrenaline was amazing.

We have two days. We have
to recruit more members

and put together some sort of performance

that doesn't totally
humiliate us as a team.

Uh, I have an idea that
you are not gonna like,

but you need to consider.

We need to recruit Kitty.

- No, Kurt! No!
- Rachel, come on.

She's talented. She's a senior.

- Kurt, she hates me.
- You don't know that.

No, I do. All of those kids do, okay?

I was so intent on being a Broadway star

that I never even learned her
name, or any of their names.

There was... there was Puck's brother

and-and then there was
cross-dressing Mercedes

and the one with the fat
mom and whatever... Raider.

- Ryder.
- See? I was awful to them.

Well, I'm sorry, Rachel.
We don't have a choice.

We need to get Kitty.

Don't worry. I'm gonna help you.

I'll be right by your side

every step of the way.

You see that corner booth over there?

Back in the '90s, a lady gave birth

on that very table.

I saw the whole damn thing.
She was just finishing up...

KURT: So I don't totally
know what's going on here.

This is the second time
Walter and I have gone out.

He's really funny and smart

and very good looking for an older guy.

But I can't tell if he
thinks this is a date or

if we're just friends.

Okay, Kurt,

whatever you do, do not
just come out and ask him.

So what's going on here?

Would you consider this a date? Damn it!

Do you want it to be a date?

Look, um, I had a lot of fun
the last time that we hung out,

so... yes.

To our second date.

To our second date.

Well, good evening, gentlemen.

My name is Susan and I will
be taking care of you tonight.

Shall we start with something to drink?

Perhaps a Shirley Temple
in a sippy cup for sonny?

Or how about a chalky can of Ensure,

enriched with calcium to
fortify those brittle bones?

Now, is your great-grand uncle

in charge of his faculties or
are you going to be feeding him?

Because I'll just need
to alert the bus staff

that I might be changing an adult diaper.

Excuse me. I can hear
everything you're saying.

Well, then allow me to personally

thank you for being part
of the greatest generation.

All right.

Here's a children's menu for baby.

And the early bird menu for old timers.

And, yes, of course, we
have liver and onions.

I am so, so sorry.

Why? I think this woman is hilarious.

And you have to understand,
when you're as handsome as I am,

very little bothers you.

And by the way, ma'am,

just how old are you?


(laughs) Ah.

I will be right back with
your hemorrhoid pillow.

To our second date.

I'm gonna show you something.

Oh, Becky, this is Klaine.

And theirs is a love for the ages.

But, Coach,

they're barely looking at each other.

Well, that's because their
chemistry is so intense, Becky,

if they were actually
to make eye contact...

Oh, my... the emotion would be such

they'd have to disappear
behind the nearest Dumpster

and just hump, hump, hump, hump, hump.

Where did you get all these video clips?

I have cameras everywhere, Becky.

But is this, like, a dream sequence?

How could you film that?

Okay, Becky, shut up.
You're ruining this, honey.

But it looks like they
don't even like each other.

Sweet, simple, Becky,

you have so much to learn about love.

What are you talking about?

I have a hot boyfriend.

Look at them, Becky.

Have there ever been two human beings

more meant for each other? Oh.

And yet somehow, hackneyed circumstance and

a pudgy ex-bully have
somehow gotten between them.

I need to get these two

into a small, confined space

where they're forced to
gaze into each other's eyes.

And then, Becky,


the stinky frottage will commence.

(school bell ringing)


Your name is Kitty Wilde.

You were named after a
Bruce Springsteen song.

You don't trust newspapers
because you think

that they lied about Watergate.

You once beat up a mascot at
a little league softball game

for trying to start the wave with everyone.

You say that your favorite color is Jesus.

Oh, you prefer Triscuits over Wheat Thins.

And sometimes you don't wear underwear.

But I got that last one from Artie, so...

Are you trying to pick me
up? Because if you're gonna

go lezzy with a cheerleader,
I think the world's kind of

rooting for you and Quinn Fabray.

I just want you to know

that I've taken some
time to get to know you,

and that who you are is important to me.

So that I don't feel like I'm being used

when you ask me to join the Glee Club?

- Pretty much.
- Look, Rachel.

You have a reputation for being
an inherently selfish person.

You rarely ask people what they think,

and when you do, it's
usually in the context of.

"What do you think about me?"

I took a chance and joined.

Mr. Schuester's Glee Club because

I knew that even though
it was gonna hurt my rep

that it was being led
by a kind man committed

to teaching and that there
were a bunch of kids in there

that would have my back
when things got hairy.

Now, what's there?

A chubber, a transfer student

and a Bizarro Jaime and Cersei Lannister,

and an advisor who's
gonna jump ship as soon

as the real world invites
her back to the stage.

No, thanks.

(school bell ringing)

Kitty, we need you.

All right? Your energy, your enthusiasm.

I don't know you very well,

but I know that you love performing.

I did.

I did love it.

You can sing, you can dance.

And-and, yes, Santana's cruelty

definitely scarred me
for the rest of my life,

but I know that the Glee
Club needs a top bitch

to keep everyone in line.

I invested everything into Glee Club.

And what did it get me?

They all deserted me.

The only reason I'm still here is

because Sue needed me for Cheerios!

I miss singing and dancing

and the feeling of being in the choir room.

But I know Sue...

and I know you.

And I don't want to jump back
in just to have my heart broken

again in a couple weeks
when it all goes away.


This is real.

Okay? I'm not going anywhere
until my job here is done

and the Glee Club is back
at McKinley permanently.

Look, you have my word.

You come back,

and we'll see this through together.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hi! Oh! Hi. Hi.

I thought you'd be in the auditorium.

The Warblers are about to go on.

No, no. I know. I-I just, um...

I've always wanted to use
the McKinley faculty bathroom

now that I'm sort of faculty myself.

Oh, so how was it?

It felt really grown up.

Oh, well, I'm headed back now.

Do you want to walk with me?

Yeah, that be nice.


Oh, hey.

- Is that new?
- Oh, yeah.

I guess so. That's convenient.

Yeah, sure, they get an elevator
after I already graduate, so...

All those years of carrying up
all those stairs. Such a drag.

Were you here when we had to
fight for that ramp outside?

Oh, I know. That was weird, too.

You excited to watch the Warblers perform?

I am. They're really good.

- How are the New Directions?
- Oh, you know.

They'll get there.

What a weird elevator.

Oh, my God, look, is this
a... is this a bathroom?

In an elevator?

I don't think we're moving.

Just press...

The doors... the doors aren't opening.

- No, press the buttons.
- They're not...

Just press the emergency thing.

KURT: Hello? Hello?

It should make a buzzing noise.

- Hello? Hello?
- Hi!

Let's pry it open. Let's just do one

at the same... at one time. (grunting) Ow!

I think we're locked in.

What kind of elevator is this?

(both gasp)

I don't think this is a real elevator.

- Hey, where's Kurt?
- I have no idea!

He's not answering any of my
calls or texts or anything.

SUE: Oh, my goodness. I
have just been informed

by the head Warbler...
Whose name is Tristan

or Crispin or Montague or-or
something annoyingly fay...

That their coach is currently missing.

Which, of course, is a shock to all of us.

Blaine, our hopes and prayers are with you.

But the show must go on.

Ladies and lady boys, I give you

the Dalton Academy Warblers!

(The Knack's "My Sharona" begins)

(humming to music)

♪ My Sharona ♪

(humming to music)

♪ My Sharona ♪

♪ Ooh, my little pretty one ♪

♪ A pretty one ♪

♪ When you gonna give
me some time, Sharona? ♪

♪ Ooh, you make my
motor run, my motor run ♪

♪ Gun it, coming off
of the line, Sharona ♪

♪ Never gonna stop, give it up ♪

♪ Such a dirty mind, always get it up ♪

♪ For the touch of the younger kind ♪

♪ My, my, my, yi, yi ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ My Sharona ♪

(humming to music)

♪ Whoo! ♪

(song ends, applause)

♪ You spin me right round ♪

♪ Baby, right round ♪

♪ Like a record, baby ♪

♪ Right round, round, round ♪

(humming to music)

♪ If I ♪

♪ I get to know your name ♪

♪ Well, I ♪

♪ Could trace your
private number, baby ♪

♪ All I know is that to me ♪

♪ You look like you're having fun ♪

♪ Open up your loving arms ♪

♪ Watch out, here I come ♪

♪ You spin me right
round, baby, right round ♪

♪ Like a record, baby ♪

♪ Right round, round, round ♪

♪ I want your love... ♪

♪ All I know is that to me ♪

♪ You look like you're lots of fun ♪

♪ Open up your loving arms ♪

♪ Watch out, here I come ♪

♪ You spin me right
round, baby, right round ♪

♪ Like a record, baby, right round ♪

♪ I need your love... ♪

♪ You spin me right round ♪

♪ Baby, right round ♪

♪ Like a record, baby ♪

♪ Right round, right round. ♪

(song ends, cheering)

Geez! Gosh, you scared me.

How did you even...

And I'm already hypnotized.


I need you to listen to me carefully.

Operation Break Rachel's Heart.

While Sabotaging the New Directions

is proceeding very nicely.

Have you thought about using a
shorter name for the operation?

Your next objective is
to convince the glee club

to perform these three musical numbers

at the invitational tomorrow.

It'll be

the worst glee club set list

in human history.

Song number one:

"Ascension Millennium" by Corey Feldman.

I don't know

why Corey Feldman is writing songs.

I don't know why he wrote
this particular song.

All I know is that the
first time I heard this song,

I literally could not move.

Song number two:

"Dear Mr. Jesus,"

a song about the horrors of child abuse

that actually makes you want
to go out and locate a child

for the express purpose of beating him up.

And the third

and final song in the
worst glee club set list

of all time:

Tammy Wynette and KLF's...

"Justified and Ancient."

Hands down, the worst song ever written.

Got it.


Hello, Officer, yes, I would like to file

a missing persons report.

Um, my friend, Kurt Hummel,

he didn't show up for work today.

My name is Rachel Berry.

Yes, that was my TV show.

Yes, I've taken acting classes before.

You know what, sir, that
is very rude of you, and...

Hello? Hello?


Sam, hey, uh, have you heard

- from Kurt or Blaine at all?
- Relax, they're

probably at Sheets N' Things
registering for their wedding.

No, they're just friends now.

No, they're endgame like
us, and to prove my love,

I am going to guarantee you
an invitational championship.

Boom, you're welcome.

"Justified and Ancient,."

"Ascension Millennium,."

"Dear Mr. Jesus."

- Sam, I don't, I don't know any
of these songs. - Oh, you will.

And as your future husband,
I demand that you do them.

- Oh, God, you're hot.
- Wait, wait.

What's wrong with you?

I'm crazy in love with you.

Sam, you told me two days ago

that you were in love with Mercedes.

That old hag?

Sam! No, look, I just... I'm sorry.

Look, it feels really good to
have a guy be into me right now,

but I just, I have so much going on.

I need my friends, and honestly

you're starting to freak
me out a little bit.

Okay, I-I'm really sorry.

I don't really understand what's
been going on with me lately.

I just have these big gaps in my memory.

Like, even bigger than normal.

Okay, look, I promise

none of that will happen again.
Whatever you want me to do,

uh, just let me know. I'm here.

Well, can you help me find Kurt?

And, oh, if you really want
to get in my good graces,

then you can help me find seven new members

for the glee club. All right, I'm on it.

Oh, and, Sam, I'm sorry,

I-I'm not gonna use these.

Might be a huge mistake,

but I have to start
trusting my own instincts.


Stop banging!

No one can hear you.

Well, why don't you use your phone?

I'm at four percent.

(sighs) It just died.

You got to stop charging every night.

I've told you a hundred times.

There's no reception in here anyway.

(groans loudly)

(sighs) Well, at least
we got that bathroom.

God, I am losing my mind.

We've got to find a way out of here.

(wheels creaking)

Yeah, I don't...

SUE (distorted, evil voice): Hello, Klaine.

Let's play a game.

You're trapped in an elevator.

This isn't an elevator.

You're trapped in an elevator

with a bathroom.

If you don't find a way out,

you'll be forced to eat each other

and then suffocate.

But you have another choice.


You and Blaine must kiss.

If you kiss each other,

you will be allowed to leave this room.

That's ridiculous.

That's easy.

That's all we got to do?

Okay. Here we go.

Here we go. Blaine and I
are about to kiss. Ready?


No, not like that.

I want to see you really go at it.

Just let us out, please!

Just, no. We're not gonna do that.

Fine, be that way.

You're in for a long night,

as the temperature of this
elevator with a bathroom

rises and rises, and you'll be forced

to remove more and more clothes.

(evil laugh)

This is insane.

How will you resist each other?

Scantily clad, burning with desire,

enjoying a romantic dinner for two

of roasted corn salad
and seared lamb tapenade,

paired perfectly with a bottle
of playful, full-bodied Cabernet

with just the right amount of spice.

(wheels creaking)

Don't fight the Klaine romance.

The choice is yours.

Come on, no! Come on!

Come on!

We are not gonna...

- kiss for your amusement.
- Oh, God.

What's in this?


Oh. Oh, that's...

RACHEL: Oh, this is a fun one.

Okay, fine.

I'm in.

Oh, my God, amazing.

- Where is everybody?
- Oh, I called everyone

and pushed glee rehearsal for an
hour because I'm still trying...

To come up with a set list

for a performance you're giving tomorrow?

That's so Mr. Shue.

I can't decide if that's sad or adorable.

The answer is adorable.

It's just that Sue is judging,

and if she wasn't, then I'd have it,

but I know she's gonna
hate anything that I pick.

I know.

You know what song she'd like?

No, but I know where to find them.

I probably shouldn't
be letting you do this,

being that you're a student and all.

Plus, we're probably being recorded.

No, I already cut the main
line to the security cameras

and the alarm.

Look, I may not have lived

in some vague outer
borough of New York City,

but there's a reason I'm the only glee kid

who survived Sue Sylvester's
regime at McKinley.

Because I'm ruthless, too.

Wait, how do you know her password?

I bribed Becky with a box
of smuggled Mexican Twinkies.

She's got a thing for
third-world snack cakes

made with real sugar and animal shortening.

I don't want to know

what ThunderBolton69 means,

but she hasn't changed it in years.

Okay, so what exactly are we looking for?

Sue has a secret playlist

of songs that she's so
emotionally vulnerable to

that they're hidden

in an encrypted, password-protected folder

only she can access.

Wait, how do you have that password?

Nicaraguan Ding-Dongs.

Take a look

at these.

Dude, it's almost 9:00.

Wow, that is some serious commitment.

Well, now that Beiste
is gone and you're coach,

I assumed I'm gonna be starting QB.

So I got to be ready, right?

Yeah, um, actually, I kind of...

changed my mind about that.


What are you talking about, man?

You told me that I was gonna be starting.

Well, you know, you got
the arm for it, but, uh,

quarterbacks are leaders, not cowards.


Are you calling me a wussy?

Yes, I am, actually. I
am calling you a wussy.

You don't think I've noticed
you skulking around the glee club

or I haven't seen you
coincidentally reading a book

just outside the choir
room during rehearsal?

I'm walking a tightrope, man.

I've got no wiggle room.

I got to be tougher,
stronger and more manly

than everyone else on the team

because if they smell even
a little bit of gay on me,

I'm not their teammate anymore.

I'm just another homo.

Dude, that's not true,
okay? Times have changed.

If I join the glee club,
everything I worked so hard for,

it's ruined.

But you want to join.

(chuckles) Of course I do.

I'm a freakin' rock star, man.

All right.

But I'm stuck

singing and dancing alone in my bedroom,

because I don't want anyone
to think that I'm gay.

Look, man.


Every movement needs a
leader, someone to step out

in the light and say, "Hey, this is me.

This is who I am, and
this is what I stand for."

Look, I get it.

High school is tough.

But you can do this.

And they...

they will lose their judgment
as soon as you lose yours.

I got your back here, dude.

And that guy right there,

Finn, was one of my best friends,

and he was

the quarterback here.

And when he joined the glee club,

it changed everything here forever.

Pick up where he left off,

and it'll be the best thing
that's ever happened to you.


I thought you said you'd
never join the glee club again.

Well, someone has to stop you
from marrying your brother.

Oh, uh, Rachel, there's a
policeman in your office.

(sighs) Finally.

Thank you so much for coming.
My friends are missing...

What are you doing?

You're gonna have to speak up.

I got a bum ear. Scarlet fever.

I know you.

You're the Deaf Choir coach.

Was the Deaf Choir coach.

Oh, yeah, our funding got cut! Again.

And maybe my kids

don't always sing on
key or stay on the beat,

but they got a song in their heart,

and that's worth more
than all the tea in China.

I guarantee you, we will be back.

- Okay.
- But right now,

I got to make a living,

so I'm a part-time cop,

part-time mixed martial arts instructor.

I hear your friends are missing.

What are you doing?

Uh, I'm sorry, we're looking
for my friends Kurt and Blaine.

First we got to find Kurt
Hummel and Blaine Anderson.

I'm-I'm so sorry. I'm just
really worried about my friends.

You're probably worried about them,

but I wouldn't if I were
you, because ten to one,

they've eloped to New
York where they belong.

You don't belong there; you're a quitter.

You quit Broadway, you
did that horrible TV show.

You get what you deserve, sister.

And that Karofsky fellow... ugh.

There's no way Blaine
is ending up with him.

That hairy sack of crap, one
time, cut me off at a light

- and gave me the finger.
- I'm sor...

Once a bully, always a bully, I say.

I wouldn't be the least bit surprised

if he kidnapped them.

Wait a minute.

Maybe it was you.

Funny Girl comes right back
to town, gets jealous of

- her more talented friends...
- What? she chops them up

into little bits... Okay...

...puts them on her Hibachi
and feeds them to the new kids,

'cause they're so naive

they'd do anything you asked.

- All right, I get it.
- Uh-huh. You get a lawyer.

I'll do that. Don't you leave town.


Uh, why don't we just do what we rehearsed?

The-the Bruno Mars set
list was too predictable.

These songs are more unassuming.

They create an emotional resonance.

Um, no disrespect,

but we don't have time for a weekly lesson.

Roderick is right.

Maybe we should just
stick to our original plan.

Or we could shut our traps
and trust our teacher.

Because, the last time I checked,

Rachel Berry has more
talent in her little finger

than anyone in this stinkin', rotten town.


Look, I'm gonna be
perfectly honest with you.

Sue Sylvester hates me.

She always has.

And now she hates you guys

for joining the only club in the school

that she can't control.

But it's not about winning a competition.

It's about being able
to walk down the hallway

and-and face Sue Sylvester...
Or any Sue Sylvester

that you meet for the rest of your life

and-and show them that
we may not always win,

but we're not gonna go
down without a fight.

So if you guys want to quit,

now is the time.

You'll probably have

an easier experience

at this school if you do.

But if you don't want to,

then we'll just stay here

and-and we'll work super hard

and put our noses to the grindstone

and we might even have
to pull an all-nighter.

An all-nighter?

That's amazing!

Yeah, and we can order pizza

and root beer and have, like, a party.

I'm s... Are-are you joining us?

You want to win, don't you?

(laughing): Yes! Yes!

Yes, we do!

(excited chatter)

(Kurt and Blaine talking quietly)

KURT: No, it's-it's
the to-go breadsticks.

We're definitely not gonna kiss later,

'cause I just had, like, a ton of...

Now one, two, three, go.

Yes, okay, I know.

On three. On three means...

One, two, three. Go.

(talking quietly)

I'll be right back.


Look, Rachel, I get that you're mad at me,

but I have a job to do,

and that's coaching Vocal Adrenaline.

I'm sorry.

I was totally out of line.

You were right.

You were just doing your job...

Which, by the way, is a lot harder

than you made it out to be

when you were teaching us.

I know I'm not your student anymore,

but you taught me

a very important lesson in being a teacher,

which is that you have to
be devoted to your kids.

Well, between you and me, it's a lot harder

to be devoted to kids I
don't particularly like.

(chuckles) Sorry.

How are your kids doing?
Are they... they ready?

They're good. Actually, I'm kind of dying.

I just... I want them to be so good.

I-I don't know. It's weird.

I want this part to be over with.

No, no, no. No.

Enjoy this.

Enjoy the beginning and
the not knowing and the...

and the first steps with them.

Because one day,

years from now,

you'll be talking to one of them

and you'll be amazed by the
man or woman they've become.

- Thanks, Mr. Shue.
- Yeah.


You are welcome.

But I am still a little upset with you.

I mean, all I did

was put the best team
I could on that stage.

You were the one that started
in with the dirty tricks,

like sending Sam to steal my mail.

I didn't do that.

- Sue.
- Sue.

SUE: Hey!

Let's move this thing along, huh?

These rotten tomatoes are getting restless.


Appreciate her, too.

A good nemesis only makes you better.

(clicks tongue) Break a leg.

Well, that can't be good.

Okay, you ready for this?

All right, cool. Here we go.

Oh! Okay.

This is, this is a,
uh, a creamy pasta dish.

And we said that if we
ever had a celebrity child,

this is what we would name it.

- Fettuccini Alfredo.
- Yes! Yes.

- I always liked that name.
- Yeah.

- Alfredo.
- The little fettuccine.

- Little-little feta.
- Aw...

- Um, all right.
- Mm-hmm.

Um, okay.

If... if I was an ironic rapper,

this would be my name.

- Ironic rapper.
- Okay.

We-we drink it when we, um...

when we were, when we were playing...

when we were ice skating at Bryant Park.

- Definitely would have to
be something with... - Um...

- chocolate.
- Yes! Yes.

- Hot chocolate.
- Mm-hmm.

That would be your ironic rapper name.

Good one. Good job.

You would be MC Hot Chocolate.

MC Hot Chocolate.

Oh, the life I never lived.

What a tragedy. You're
in the wrong profession.

What are you, a teacher now? Mm-hmm.

- Yeah.
- You're blowing it.

Okay, my turn. MC Hot Chocolate

is calling your name. All right.


Um, okay, this is a dessert.

It's cold. Uh...

- Um, it comes in a cart...
- Parfait.

Oh, uh, Dave eats this all the time.

(laughs): Like, he...

a little too much, if you ask me.

He eats so much of this...

So hot in here, I think I'm gonna be sick.

(wheels creaking)

SUE (distorted, evil voice):
Because you refuse to give back

to the world the Klaine
romance you're depriving it...

A romance it so desperately needs...

We're going to change the game a little.

(quiet hissing) What is that?

SUE: It's the drug Tadalifil

in aerosol form.

And it's filling this room

right now.

It promotes sexual stimulation
by increased blood flow

to the male genitalia.

(evil laugh)

Try to resist the love you
have for one another, Klaine.

Just know that if you choose to resist,

you choose to die.

The choice is yours.

I want to get out of here.

It's just so hot, and...


Not sexually hot.

It's just actually hot,

and I want to go home, I
want to get out of here.

Yes. Listen to Blaine.

Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf
of everyone at McKinley,

I sincerely apologize
for the New Directions.

(scattered applause)

(whoops) Yeah! (Whoops)

(Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love" begins)

♪ It must have been love ♪

♪ But it's over now ♪

♪ Lay a whisper ♪

♪ On my pillow ♪

♪ Leave the winter ♪

♪ On the ground... ♪

Why don't we just decide beforehand

that this doesn't have to mean anything?

We make a promise right
now that it means nothing.

Let's do what we have to do.

♪ And all around ♪

♪ Touch me now ♪

♪ I close my eyes ♪

♪ And dream away ♪

♪ It must have been love ♪

♪ But it's over now... ♪

So we're in agreement.


This... doesn't mean anything.

The only reason that
we're doing this is because

it's the only way that
Sue's gonna let us out.

Because Sue is forcing us.

Forcing us.

♪ The water flows ♪

♪ It's where the water flows... ♪

On the count of three.




♪ When I'm in love... ♪


♪ It must have been love ♪

♪ But it's over now ♪

♪ It must have been good ♪

♪ But I lost it somehow... ♪

Congratulations, Klaine.

(elevator bell dings)

♪ But it's over now ♪

♪ It's where the water flows ♪

♪ It's where the wind blows ♪

♪ It must have been love... ♪

♪ It must have been love ♪
♪ Must have been love... ♪

Kurt! Blaine!

♪ Must have been love. ♪


I'm sorry that we're late.

- Oh, my God, where have you been?
- Hi.

You missed the Warblers.

They were really, really good though.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Where were you?
- It's a long story.

- You changed the set
list? - It's a long story.

(George Michael's "Father Figure" begins)

We got Kitty.

And Spencer?

Yeah, well, that was thanks to Sam.

♪ That's all I wanted ♪

♪ Something special, something sacred ♪

♪ In your eyes ♪

♪ For just one moment ♪

♪ To be bold and naked... ♪

All my emotional
triggers... How can this be?

♪ Sometimes I think that you'll never ♪

♪ Understand me ♪
♪ Understand ♪

♪ Understand, understand me ♪

♪ But something tells me together ♪

♪ We'd be happy ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, baby ♪

♪ I will be your father
figure ♪
♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Put your tiny hand in
mine ♪
♪ I'd love to ♪

♪ I will be your preacher,
teacher ♪
♪ Be your daddy ♪

♪ Anything you have in mind

♪ It would make me... ♪

BOB DOLE (over TV): I would
say to the young people

and all the others involved,
it's a lot more fun winning.

It hurts to lose an election,

but stay involved and keep
fighting the good fight.

JOHN McCAIN: A little while ago,

I had the honor of calling
Senator Barack Obama

to congratulate him... (crowd booing)

(Sue booing) Please.

MITT ROMNEY: I have just called
President Obama (Sue groans)

to congratulate him on his victory.

♪ So when you remember
the ones who have lied ♪

♪ Who said that they cared ♪

♪ But then laughed as you cried ♪

♪ Beautiful darling ♪

♪ Don't think of me ♪

♪ Because all I ever wanted ♪

♪ I will be your father figure ♪

♪ Put your tiny hand in mine ♪

♪ I will be your preacher, teacher ♪

♪ Anything you have in mind, baby ♪

♪ I will be your father figure ♪

♪ I have had enough of crimes ♪

♪ I will be the one who loves you ♪

♪ Till the end of time ♪

♪ I will be your father... ♪

♪ I will be your... ♪

♪ I will be your preacher

♪ Father... ♪

♪ I will be your father

♪ I'll be your daddy ♪

♪ I will be the one who loves you ♪

♪ Till the end of ♪

♪ Time... ♪

(Air Supply's "All Out of Love" begins)

♪ I'm lying alone ♪

♪ With my head on the phone ♪

♪ Thinking of you till it hurts ♪

♪ I know you hurt, too ♪

♪ But what else can we do? ♪

♪ Tormented and torn apart ♪

♪ I wish I could carry
your smile in my heart ♪

♪ For times when my life seems so low ♪

♪ It would make me believe ♪

♪ What tomorrow could bring ♪

♪ When today doesn't really know ♪

♪ Doesn't really know ♪

♪ I'm all out of love ♪

♪ I'm so lost without you ♪

♪ I know you were right ♪

♪ Believing for so long ♪

♪ I'm all out of love ♪

♪ What am I without you? ♪

♪ I can't be too late ♪

♪ To say that I was so wrong ♪

♪ What... ♪

♪ What are you thinking of? ♪

♪ La, la, what are you thinking of... ♪

♪ I'm all out of love ♪

♪ I'm so lost without you ♪

♪ I know you were right ♪

♪ Believing for so long ♪

♪ I'm all out of love ♪

♪ What am I without you? ♪

♪ I can't be too late ♪

♪ To say that I was so wrong... ♪

♪ Whoa... ♪


(song ends)

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

In third place, and just not
doing a very good job at all,

ladies and gentlemen, from Dalton Academy,

- the Warblers.
- What?

You really didn't do a very good job.


And in second place,

this year's runner-up and winner

of this bedazzled bowling
pin I found in the Dumpster,

from Carmel High, Vocal Adrenaline.

(single person clapping)


- Thank you.
- Yeah.

SUE: And finally,

first place for this year's invitational...

I don't know how they did it,

because they were sitting on stools,

singing in unison...

Ladies and gentlemen, from McKinley High,

New Directions! (cheering)



I'm sorry, Clint.

I-I know that you feel disappointed.


Look, it's not always about winning.

Come on, please.

You screwed us, Schuester.

You care more about your
little prodigal troll,

Rachel Berry, than us.

I'm a senior; this matters to me.

So you better watch your back.

Don't talk to me like that.

I'm your coach and your teacher.

We'll see about that.

Like what you see?


Sweet William, here we are again.

Well, I hope you're happy, Sue.

Oh, I am.

I'm absolutely over the moon, actually.

Something profound
happened to me out there,

listening to that music.

I've purged the anger.

Well, I'm happy for you, Sue.

Oh, I'm happy for me, too.

(chuckles) And if you...


litter at my school again
and expect me to clean it up,

you sorry excuse for a stain

on a dead tramp's lacy panties,

I swear to sweet holy Satan,

I will end you.

Hello, Klaine.

Stop calling us that!

Are you aware we could have you locked up

in a federal prison for 20 years?

What you did to us falls
under the legal definition

of kidnapping.

I genuinely have no idea
what you're talking about.

Are you kidding? We were
locked in an overheated elevator

with a little Sue Sylvester
thing in a tracksuit

and on-on a tricycle with a
hideous papier-mâché face.

Remember that?

Honestly, my first thought: Becky did it.

- I can't. This is pointless.
- You know what?

Wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on a sec.

Y-You know... you know what, Sue?

Whatever you were trying to do,

I want you to know that...

it backfired.

Because all it really
did was help Kurt and I

get over whatever resentment
and whatever bitterness

we were holding in, and it made us realize

that-that we are... we're-we're
just better as friends, okay?

So we should actually thank you.

Well, then thank me.

- Thank you.
- Don't actually thank her.


Klaine is no more, huh?


Well, guess I'll have to find a new hobby,

like operating a bookmaking
outfit that runs the numbers

on which of your current
boyfriends dies first.

The gropey geriatric that
Porcelain reads the newspaper to

or the bloated, suicidal,
diabetic ex-bully

that the gay, shaven, teenage
Tom Selleck chooses to bone.

Becky, this space feels
more like somebody's memory

of a storage unit, and
that memory is fading.

It's like there was never
anything here but jungle.

What are you talking about?

And time, well, time is a flat circle.

And we have had a most awesome week, Becky.

Honestly, what we accomplished in this week

makes it feel like two weeks.

Your plan didn't work out.

Kurt and Gay Blaine aren't together.

Oh, Becky. (chuckles)

I've got Klaine right where I want them.

See here? Right on schedule.

Week five, Klaine friends again.

We still have six more weeks for scheming,

possibly seven, depending
on network preemptions.

This is kind of garbage.

That's not even a real trophy.

It's a start.

From small things, big things one day come.

Hold up, Rachel.

I got this.

Listen up, noobs.

We just went up against

the two best show choirs in the state.

They were full of seniors

who have been working together for years.

They thought they were gonna come

into our house and push us around.

But now they all went home
feeling like their willies

are two inches shorter.

Now, I expect to make fun

of all of you at some point. Fat kid,

gay boy, creepy incest twins, other girl.

But I never want to hear any
of you disparaging the things

that we do as a team.

Got it?


can I just say something?

I just wanted to say thank you to Ms. Berry

and Mr. Hummel for, you
know, bringing us all together

and helping us do so well up there.

You guys are both really good teachers.

Thank you. As your teachers, we just

want to say how proud of you guys we are.

I mean, I never would've
thought coming back here

that I would step on a
stage without disintegrating

into a puddle, but thank
you, guys, so much just for...

(whispering): I heard she tends
to make everything about herself.

(whispering): Shh, if you're
gonna say things like that to me,

you need to use your psychic inside voice.

- KURT: It's just the
beginning, guys. - Got it?

Everyone put your hand in. I'm gonna lead
you through an ancient Glee tradition.

All right, on three, give me an
"amazing." Kitty, count us in.

- KITTY: One, two, three.
- ALL: Amazing!