Glee (2009–2015): Season 6, Episode 4 - The Hurt Locker: Part 1 - full transcript

Rachel proposes an idea to Mr. Shuester in order to improve the club's chance at the invitational. Meanwhile, Sue conjures up a plan (with the unintentional help of Sam) to destroy the Glee club once again.

So here's what you missed on
Glee: Rachel and Kurt are back

coaching the Glee Club,

and Will's coaching Vocal Adrenaline,

and Blaine's coaching the Warblers,

and even Sam's back, coaching football.

Shut up! I know!

But the New Directions!
Only have four members,

and they need 12 for sectionals,

and it seems like the new
kids are nice and stuff

and maybe can sing, but it's
like, "Wait, who are you?"

Kurt and Blaine are still broken up,

and Kurt's not really dating,

but Blaine definitely is dating,

and the guy he's dating is Karofsky,

so, like, ouch.

I'm hoping we can be friends.

(wry laugh): Oh, sounds like fun.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

I mean, who would have thought
that after all these years,

you and I would be friends?

SUE: Now that I've achieved my goal

of absolute power at this school,

I figured, what could be the harm

in inviting Will Schuester to a polite,

civil luncheon to bury the
hatchet once and for all.

(distorted, slowed-down): Uh, it's
great being back here, you know...

SUE: He surrendered the Glee Club

and fled to another school, after all,

which means Will Schuester
is no longer my mortal enemy.

I parked in my old spot... (chuckles)

those little scrape marks on the asphalt.

Ah, remember that old muffler?

SUE: Sure, the sound of
Will's voice is like listening

to Brian Boitano figure
skate across a chalkboard

while rubbing together the Styrofoam

his Tom of Finland ball
gag came packaged in.

I bought Danny this little, uh, toy piano,

and, uh, I sing "Don't
Stop Believing" to him

every night before he goes to bed.

Clearly, he has some sort of disorder

that gives him the emotional depth

of a 12-year-old
girl. Maybe that's why

he doesn't have any adult friends.

Oh, Will Schuester, you
poor, maudlin imbecile,

I don't hate you.

Anything that ever
really matters in life...

I learned in that Glee Club.

I pity you.

Oh, yikes, look at the time.

It's been really great talking to you, Sue.

Um... I got to go.

And I thank you.


(dramatic musical stinger)

That son of a whore.

How dare he insult me like this.

What kind of a psychopath
refuses to dispose

of an unused plastic lunch fork

and just leave it sitting there?

I will not clean up after you.

Who do you think I am, your maid?

This is an outrage, and it will not stand.

Will Schuester, you have
crossed me for the last time.

You know, Becky, I was
thinking about retiring.


I got a sweet deal on some marshland

down in southern Iraq.

(sighs) But now I realize I can't rest

until I tie up some loose ends.

What is this place, Coach?

This is where I store my hatred, Becky...

and where I'll prepare
my final act of revenge.

I call it my "Hurt Locker."

SUE: Some people would find
multiple vendettas exhausting.

But for Sue Sylvester,

it's pure exhilaration.

Will Schuester,

I will annihilate you once and for all.

Then onto his self-obsessed
protégé, Rachel Berry.

I'm going to break her heart.


wait in the Le Car.

(clicks tongue)

But first...

(strikes cacophonous chord)



I've been quietly shaping
them since they first met.

Apart, they're so shrill, so whiny.

But together,

a symphony of self-congratulatory sodomy.

I believed their tender
man-love was for the ages.

And when they broke
up, I was... devastated!


They seemed to be doing so well, and...

then suddenly it's over?

I hereby pledge to do whatever it takes

to get them back together

and achieve my ultimate goal...

To be flower girl at
their fabulous gay wedding.

Just hang on, Porcelain.

Help is on the way.

(bell rings) Oh, Porcelain,

my sweet, shrill,

fragile Gelfling, I
want to help you achieve

your life's true purpose.

I want to help you get Blaine back.

Oh, that Karofsky character

is a grade-A no-goodnik;
he's a heartless bully.

Since when have you
cared about me and Blaine?

Since, like, forever.

You see, you and Blaine are blouses.

What are blouses? A blouse

is a breezy, femmy top.

It's a term I coined for
my favorite type of gay.

You always know where
you stand with a blouse.

And they can't sneak up on you,

because for miles, you can
hear their gentle swish,

swish, swish on the summer wind.

Uh, thank you, I-I guess,

but I-I do not want to get
back together with Blaine.

Listen to you.

That's not the Porcelain I know.

Now you better get to the auditorium.

The teams have arrived

to rehearse on stage for the invitational.

What invitational?

The one I organized

to destroy the Glee Club once and for all.

I said that out loud, didn't I?

I should have said that in voice-over.

(percussion playing, indistinct chatter)

Sue really blindsided us
with this invitational.

So how does it feel to be
back, but on the visiting team?

Uh, I'm just glad it's in
such a low-stress environment.

I mean, it's basically
an organized practice.

That's the thing.

It isn't for my kids.

Do you remember our
first week of Glee Club,

when you took us to Carmel
to see Vocal Adrenaline

and they were as great as
your team is probably gonna be?

(chuckles): How could I forget?

I thought half of you
were gonna quit afterwards.

Yeah, well, the reason why we didn't
was because we were so committed

- to what you were doing.
- Yeah.

My kids aren't there
yet. They haven't bonded.

They don't realize how important
what it is they're doing.

If they see you guys killing these numbers

you've had all summer to perfect, well,

then they're gonna lose any
sliver of hope they have,

and the Glee Club'll be dead here.

Are you asking me to
throw the invitational?

RACHEL: Look.. I-I'm not asking you

to blow a competition...
You said it yourself,

it's not that big of a deal.
Look, I know that you're

a teacher at Carmel now,
but this is your home...

Don't you want to protect your home?

WILL (over radio): I'll
think about it, Rachel.

I really would do anything
for you, Rachel, you know that.

But it's not about that anymore.

I don't think you understand

the kind of pressure I'm under now.

The administration really
cares about V.A. being the best,

and so do the kids.

What is your long-term plan here?

I mean, you can't go to
sectionals with just four kids.

I just need more time.
And I'm not gonna get that

if you crush all of their
hopes at this invitational.

Please, Mr. Shue.

Look, this place changed your life.

You're reminded of that
every night that you go home

to your wife and your beautiful baby.

Just... consider paying it back

for everything it's done for you.


All right.

Change of plan.

Everyone gather round.

We're gonna toss out the
numbers we've been working on,

and we're calling an audible, okay?

Brand-new songs.

I will give them to you
in a half an hour. What?

That's insane.

It's called thinking on
your feet, improvisation.

It's gonna help us work better as a team.

(students scream, clamor)

(girl screams)

Good dragon.

Your Khaleesi loves you.

Oh, hey, Sue. What's up?

Sam, I have a question for you.

How susceptible to suggestion are you?

Uh... I-I don't know. What do you think?

Well, I think you're very
susceptible to suggestion.

Oh, my God, I think you're right.

Are you familiar with the film.

The Manchurian Candidate?

I don't know. Do you
think I am? Never mind.

You're getting

very sleepy.

Oh, my God, I'm so tired.

When I snap my fingers,

you'll be totally hypnotized.

Oh, my God, I'm totally hypnotized.

I'm going to say a series of words.


Flat-bed truck.

Let's do a song.

Whoa. When next

you hear these words,

you will be overwhelmed with love

for one Rachel Berry.

Oh, my God, she's so hot.

You will kiss her, and the instant you do,

you will wake up and will
not remember anything.

Oh, hey, Sue. What's up?

(quietly): Outstanding.

(sighs, mumbles)


Okay, so, let's go through the rules.

We decided there's no judges,

so this is really about bragging rights.

But still, my guys are taking
this very, very seriously,

so I just want to make
sure that the order is

picked fairly... and by fairly,
I mean that we're gonna go second.

Um, by the way, how is

the filling up of your roster going?

Is that going okay? It's an invitational.

We don't have to follow the
strict "show choir" rules.

Has it occurred to either
of you that this could be

a really awful idea

for your team? We just want to give them

a sense of what to expect
at sectionals, and...

you know, we were also just hoping that

maybe you and Mr. Schuester
would take it easy on us.

Oh, no way. No, no, no.

Absolutely not.

No one's going easy on anybody.

Nope. The Warblers are being rebuilt,

just like the New Directions!

I'm sorry, but my allegiance is with them,

(phone buzzing) and if
that at all seems scary

to you guys, then you should
probably drop out. Oh, my God!

It's Dave. There's an
intruder in our apartment.


Dave, what is going on? KAROFSKY: In there!

In the bedroom! I thought I was gonna die!

BLAINE: What? No! Don't go in
there! You're gonna get killed!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!

Is that a real, live bear cub?

BLAINE: Uh, why is there a bear in here?

KAROFSKY: Why is there a bear in here?!

I think I have a pretty good idea.

You know, you just... you can't get

real Italian food like this in New York.


Mm, I'm actually having
trouble, like, adjusting

to the Lima pace... I'm used to New York.

Everything's so fast-paced there.

And I was thinking, the
problem with... moving back home

is that, you know, you...
you fall back into old habits.

- Mm-hmm. - It's up to us now
to keep from going stale.

- I mean, what do you do with your
free time? - Mm... besides cry?

(voice breaks): She's so talented.

I watch Patti LuPone's
YoungArts MasterClass.

Up. Make it harder. (sobbing)

Why? What do you do? I blow glass.

Wait, what, really?

My point is, we need to become proactive

about what our outside interests are.

Yeah. I mean, what is something
you always wanted to do?

I don't know. I mean,
I've always wanted to learn

how to play the piano.

(distorted, echoing): That's mine, too.

Uh, let's do it.

I mean, I'll get Blaine to teach us.

He owes me for all the
times I shaved his back

in New York. We'll do it together.

And we can keep on each other's case

to practice all the time... It'll be great.

Okay. Thanks, Sam.

You know... I know that this

isn't a date or anything, but...

I just realized I haven't spent time
with a guy alone in a long time, and...

it feels good to do it with
someone I feel so safe with.

Yeah. I, uh, I haven't been
out with anybody since, um...

Mercedes and I broke up.

Even though this isn't a date.

Wait, wait, I'm very confused.
I had it on good authority

that Dave Karofsky was attracted to bears.

Except in this case, a "bear"
refers to a burly, gay man,

not an actual bear.

That would be really dangerous
and completely insane.

Well, my tenure at this
school has expanded my horizons

on what is or isn't considered insane.

Will Schuester once submerged

a Lucite platform into
the McKinley swimming pool

so he could literally walk on water

to propose to his girlfriend.

Now, that's pretty insane.

This just has to stop.

I don't want to get back together

with Blaine. I've moved on.

I met someone online... His name is Walter.

Oh, Porcelain, oh, no, no, no, no.

You will not come out of this alive.

This person is obviously a cannibal.

I mean, look at you.

You are exceptionally well marbled.

If I were on a deserted
island with everybody I knew,

I would absolutely eat you first.

It doesn't even have
to be a deserted island.

There could be any number of
casual dining establishments,

and I would still opt to eat you...

A mouthwatering, delicious,
corn-fed Porcelain rump roast.

Okay, I'm leaving.

You just have to stop, okay? I'm serious.

But what about your fabulous,
over-the-top gay wedding?!

I already told Becky she
could be the celebrant!

When else am I ever gonna
get to Provincetown?!

(playing Beethoven's Symphony No. 5)

(music ends)

Wow, that's intimidating.
Blaine, thank you so much

for taking time out of your
extremely busy schedule to teach us.

Yeah, you know, we were gonna
ask Brad the piano player

but then I found this scrapbook
that he keeps of women's feet.

Okay. Anyway, um,

have seat... but don't
st sit any which way,

make sure you sit up
straight. Don't slouch. Oh.

Bows always 90 degrees away from the piano.

Just so you know, I'm
not really a beginner.

My dads put me in lessons
when I was four years old,

and I just got bored, so I quit.

Huh. That's so unlike you.

Um, I've made this cute little chart

above the keys to help
you guys out. Okay, good.

So go ahead and find middle C for me.

Got it. Excellent.

Um, so I want you to think
of middle C, also known as C4,

as kind of a quaint little
town between bass clef land

and treble clef land.
So, it's kind of easy.

No, no, no, I'm sorry. Wait.
Can you just, like, slow down?

(mechanical whirring, alarm horn blaring)

God, what time is it?

Whew, I fell asleep hours ago

when you were yammering on
about good posture and...

a quaint little town.

Um, what are you doing up there?

I'm just loosening some bolts.

You have no business being in here.

Funny, that's exactly what
I was gonna say to you.

I thought I was rid of you two years ago.

Then you came limping back to Lima

with your suitcase full
of glitter and tears.

All right, I think we should
probably reschedule this. No.

That is an excellent idea.
Wouldn't you say so, Sam?

Awesome idea. Later, buddy.

Uh... Go. Get out of here. Go on.


(snaps fingers)

Hey, Rachel, uh, wait up.

Coach, you are one bad-ass,

crazy super bitch.

Oh, Becky, if you just said

I am one bad-ass, crazy super bitch,

you are correct.

♪ I hate the world today ♪

♪ You're so good to me, I
know, but I can't change ♪

♪ Tried to tell you,
but you look at me ♪

♪ Like maybe I'm an angel underneath ♪

♪ Innocent and sweet ♪

♪ Yesterday I cried ♪

(students screaming) ♪ You
must have been relieved ♪

♪ To see the softer side ♪

BOY: Aah!

♪ I can understand ♪

BOY 2: Unh!

♪ How you'd be so confused ♪

♪ I don't envy you ♪

♪ I'm a little bit of everything ♪

♪ All rolled into one ♪

♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover ♪

♪ I'm a child, I'm a mother ♪

♪ I'm a sinner I'm a saint ♪

♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪

♪ I'm your hell ♪

♪ I'm your dream ♪

♪ I'm nothing in between ♪

♪ You know you wouldn't want it ♪

♪ Any other way ♪

(instrumental interlude)

♪ Just when you think ♪

(students screaming) ♪
You've got me figured out ♪

♪ The season's already changing ♪

♪ I think it's cool ♪

♪ You do what you do ♪

♪ And don't try ♪

♪ To save me ♪

♪ I'm a bitch, I'm a lover ♪

♪ I'm a child, I'm a mother ♪

♪ I'm a sinner, I'm a saint ♪

♪ I do not feel ashamed ♪

♪ I've been numb, I'm revived ♪

♪ Can't say I'm not alive ♪

♪ You know I wouldn't want it ♪

♪ Any other way ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh. ♪

(song ends)

(indistinct chatter nearby)

(bell rings)

Gosh, this place brings
back so many memories.

- I haven't been here in a
million years. - Tell me about it.

When I look back at who I was
in high school, it's, like,

I don't even recognize that dude at all.

That's why I admire you so much.

You have been through a lot
to get to where you are today.

MAN: Dave?

I thought it was you!

You look great.

Have you been working out?

Oh, uh, yeah, but...

Nelson, this is my boyfriend,

Blaine. Hi. Hey, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, I'm just here with
my boyfriend, Stuart.


Dave, is that you?

Wait, you guys know each other?


We went out a few times.

Wait, is that Dave Karofsky?

It's Patrick.

(overlapping chatter)

Dave, Dave, it's me, Patrick.

- What the hell is going on?
- Um...

Well, good evening, gentlemen.

David, I took the liberty of
asking every man you've dated

to join you for dinner tonight with Blaine,

but that's not all.

I brought you both something.

Oh, what do you have there?

Well, it is your online genealogy profile.

I submitted

DNA samples from your hair follicles

that I stole from the lint
trap in your washing machine,

and I think you're going to be
very surprised with the results.

It turns out you share a

one Thomas Anderson,

watchmaker from Philadelphia.

Which means the two of
you are third cousins.

You can't be serious.

DNA doesn't lie.

Well, have a wonderful evening.

Just remember, you're about to have sex

with a family member.

(quiet, wry laugh)

(playing clashing notes)

I hate the piano.

Blaine is throwing too much at me.

I-I feel like an idiot,
and then Sue swoops in...

Well, you know, this stuff doesn't

just come easy to everyone, okay?

It's about practice.

You do it enough times, and
it becomes second nature.

Think about lizard tails

that move around even
after they're cut off.


Okay, no, forget that.

My point is that an
instrument needs to be, like,

an extension from your body,
like a muscle or a limb.

Sam, you're really sweet,

but I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm sorry. Okay, now, sit down

and close your eyes.

Just do it.

(sighing): Okay.

Now, look, you don't need your eyes, okay?

Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles,
all the greats were blind.


Now, just rely on your feel.

G, give me a G, give me a G.

Give me an A.

Give me a C.

Minor diminished.

(chuckles) Okay.

Now, give me an A minor.

Hey, that tickles!

Oh, I'm sorry, but you totally have it,

way more than you even realize.

Thanks, Sam.

You're pretty amazing.


MAN (over P.A.): Don't forget to
wear your school colors tomorrow.

Go, Carmel!

Well, just tell your
husband what I tell mine.

"That's what you get
for marrying a blonde."


The principal will see you now.

Aren't you a little smart aleck?

Principal Gunderson, thank you
so much for meeting with me.

Is there a problem?

Principal Figgins?

No, I am Abigail Figgins Gunderson.

Principal Figgins is my brother.

Principal and I are one year apart

and we both chose careers in...

(inhales deeply)

...high school administration.

Wait... Figgins' first name is "Principal"?

Of course.

He is first born.

Bizarro Figgins.

I understand you have an issue

concerning Carmel High's
study skills teacher

and Glee Club director, Will Schuester.

That is correct.

As you can see...

I have drone footage
in which Will Schuester

pledges his loyalty to the New Directions!

And announces his intentions
to sabotage Vocal Adrenaline.

You have a traitor in your midst.

(tablet device blips off)

This news shocks me to my very core.

I think you better sit down
and have a very frank talk

with one Will Schuester.

You need to determine where
his true loyalties lie.

I've got it.

Well, we've got it.

We've got the first two
songs for invitationals.

Uh... don't we need more people

just to participate in invitationals?

No, you don't need a full
glee club for invitationals.

It's a trial run for future competitions.

No judges or prizes.

(whispering): More stage time for us.

BOTH (whispering): Twinning.

And this is where my new
piano skills will help us out.

(playing a random melody)

Th-There is no winner or
loser at invitationals,

but just like a debutante ball

or a quinceañera, it is your chance

to introduce yourself
to the show choir world.

We're gonna be up against some
of the greatest show choirs

in Ohio... in America...

And the Warblers and Vocal Adrenaline

have a very strong history,
so this is our chance

to show them what they're up against.


(quietly): So, we're screwed.

We're screwed.

Sue, how dare you do this to me!

Now my job is on the line!

You know, I thought we were friends!

So did I, William, until you made a mockery

of my friendly overtures,

by making me clean up after you

like a common house slave.

What are you talking about?

Oh, you know exactly
what I'm talking about.

Your complete lack of table manners

was the last straw.

It was a disposable plastic
fork that broke the camel's back

and now I feel it is my
duty to stop holding back

and get real honest
with you, Will Schuester.

Fine. Bring it on.

You remember that
Christmas when you foolishly

let me into your
apartment, for some reason?


Well, the primary ingredient

of that fruitcake that I watched you enjoy

was actually three years of plaque

that Brad the piano player
had scraped off his teeth

and collected into a small jar.

And you never should have
let me use your bathroom

because the minoxidil that you've been

rubbing into your scalp twice
daily for the last three years

is actually just my pee.


Why would I stoop to such puerile acts?

Because I hate you, Will Schuester.

And I will stop at nothing

until I see you homeless in the streets,

drinking gutter runoff,

and allowing passersby to perform lewd acts

on your butt-chin, for money.

You are a fatuous, dim-witted,

borderline pederast,

who tears up faster than a
gay jihadi in a sandstorm.

You have befouled the
profession of teaching

by accepting not only one

but two Teacher of the Year awards

despite not speaking a
word of the foreign language

you purport to teach.

Like the storied predators
of yesteryear, Will,

you pick only the most
vulnerable students to favor

while actively neglecting the others.

Like that gross kid with the dreadlocks,

or that poor Irish idiot Rory.

Or the black dancer, whose
name none of us remember

because you rode his back
to a win at sectionals,

and then promptly ignored him

into oblivion.

You positively worship a student

if they can so much as carry a tune,

and yet you don't know a single name

of the only true musical
geniuses in that choir room...

The band!...

Who have demonstrated, time and again,

that they can, at the drop of a hat,

play literally any song you can name,

and still, you treat them like
so much nameless human garbage.

Your bizarre psycho-sexual

obsession with that glee club

was disturbing from the first moment

you stalked a nude student in the showers.

You know, I'm honestly
surprised you didn't re-enact

what was clearly the formative event

of your own teenage years,

and Sandusky the poor
kid right there and then.

Oh, and I think those
absorbent sweater vests

actually hide the fact that you lactate

every time you give one
of your excruciatingly

condescending pep talks.

Your charms wore off a
long time ago, William...

somewhere around Bieber Week.

So why don't you take your washboard abs

and your washboard forehead,

get the hell out of my office.

Oh, and take that uncomfortable smirk

and the nine-foot fart you
must be holding in, with you,

and let 'er rip the second you get home.

'Cause you know what? If you're lucky,

that sphincter just might toot out

the first minute and a
half of "Wheel in the Sky,"

which is the only Journey song
you haven't yet managed to ruin.

You know what, Sue?

I happen to know that you're
not long for this school.

What are you talking about?

I heard a rumor that you
are making retirement plans.

Damn it, Becky.

She tweeted it, didn't she?

I'll tell you right
now that I'm going to do

everything in my power to
make sure that the glee club

is a permanent fixture at this school,

long after you're gone.

It's good talking to you, Sue.

KURT: I know you're overworked.

I'm just saying this auditorium

could use a little bit
more of your attention.

I mean, there's gum on half of these seats.

Don't blame me, blame the parents!

They let Johnny and Susie run wild,

but Johnny and Susie can't read.

It's an American tragedy!

BLAINE: Hi. Sorry to interrupt.

Um, I'm supposed to give
Rachel and Sam a piano lesson.

I-I can't find them anywhere.

I spotted them in the courtyard

sharing a hot, soft
pretzel with honey mustard.

I'm no psychic, but I predict

another tempestuous,
sexy, glee club romance.

Speaking of which, I will leave you two

ex-lovebirds alone.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.


Something's wrong.

Everything... okay?

Everything is wrong.

Dave has dated, like,

every guy with facial hair

in the greater Midwest,

and, evidently,

we're related.

Wait, what? Yeah.

Sue went on one of
those ancestry Web sites,

and she discovered that
Dave and I are third cousins.

Blaine, there-there is no universe

where you and Karofsky are related.

Sue is obviously just trying
to get you guys to break up

so we get back together.

Why can't she, and everyone else,

just understand that, yes,
you were my first love...

And you were mine. ...but I just think,

like you always say,

we're probably better off
as... great friends, you know?

Well, I'm glad that we
could be adult about this.


And, full disclosure,

I've actually met a really nice guy on line

and, uh, we have our first date tonight.


Well, that's... awesome.

That's, um... I hope that goes really well.

(quietly): Yeah. Yeah, uh...

well, you know, he damn
well better know that

he is on a date with America's
most eligible bachelor.

(wry chuckle)

Um... I-I gotta go.


I-I really gotta get going.

I gotta find those guys.

Um... it was good to... good to see you.

Oh, yeah, you, too.

Oh. Hello. (laughs)

Yeah, the, um...

You, too. You, too.

Yeah. Okay.

(sighs deeply)

(playing light melody)

♪ Girl, you sound so good. ♪


John Mayer.

Uh, no, seriously, though, you're...

you're sounding amazing.

I mean, you're getting really good.

I think I'm really getting the hang of it.

I gotta be honest... I
think these piano lessons

were a really good idea.

And thank you so much for
being so patient with me

and just... helping me to stay calm.

Well, I mean, it wasn't hard, I mean...

there's nothing you can't do.

(Sam plays intro to Vanessa
Carlton's "A Thousand Miles")

(Rachel continues the intro)

I love this song.

♪ Making my way
downtown, walking fast ♪

♪ Faces passing, I'm home bound ♪

♪ Staring blankly ahead ♪

♪ Just making my way, making my way ♪

♪ Through the crowd ♪

♪ And I need you ♪

♪ And I miss you ♪

BOTH: ♪ And now I wonder ♪

♪ If I could fall ♪

♪ Into the sky ♪

♪ Do you think time ♪

♪ Would pass me by ♪

♪ 'Cause you know I'd
walk a thousand miles ♪

♪ If I could just see you ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Yeah, tonight... ♪

♪ Yeah, tonight ♪

♪ Oh, tonight! ♪

♪ And I, I ♪

♪ Don't want to let you know ♪

♪ I, I ♪

♪ Drown in your memory ♪

♪ I, I ♪

♪ Don't want to let this go ♪

♪ I, I ♪

♪ Don't... ♪

♪ If I could fall ♪

♪ Into the sky ♪

♪ Do you think time ♪

♪ Would pass us by? ♪

♪ 'Cause you know I'd
walk a thousand miles ♪

♪ If I could just see you ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ If I could fall ♪

♪ Into the sky ♪

♪ Into the sky ♪

♪ Do you think time ♪

♪ Would pass us by? ♪

♪ 'Cause you know I'd
walk a thousand miles ♪

♪ If I could just see you ♪

♪ If I could just ♪

♪ Hold you ♪

♪ Tonight. ♪

(song ends)

Then the hooker says, "No,
that's not a cheese taco,

Jonah Hill."

(laughter) He was kissing a hooker.

Hey, guys.

Can I just talk to your coach for a second?

Okay, so I'm just gonna say this,

because I haven't been able
to think about anything else,

and I got, like, zero
sleep last night, but...

our kiss?

What kiss?

"What kiss?"

Exactly, right, we're both creative people,

and sometimes creative people

create bonds with their fellow actors,

and sometimes those bonds
create gestures that don't

necessarily mean the same
thing in the real world

as they would in show business.

Anyways, um, I just...

I've really liked
hanging out with you, Sam,

and I-I wanted to ask you this yesterday,

but you sort of left, like, really fast,

but, um, do you want to get
a coffee with me sometime?

Oh, are you,

are you asking me, like, out on a date?


Rachel, uh,

that's super sweet, but I-I can't.

And it's not because of
your teeny-tiny booty.

I actually like teeny-tiny booties.

It's... I'm kind of still
in love with Mercedes.

Oh. Sorry.


Oh, hey, Sue. What's up?

Uh, what-what are you doing?


(distorted): you're hypnotized again.

Oh, my God, I'm hypnotized.

That was so fast.

You've done well, my dark apprentice.

Phase two

of my sinister plan will now commence.


Ambrosia salad.

Goodluck Jonathan.

Wait, I'm confused.

Do those words hypnotize
me or dehypnotize me?

Neither, they're just words I like.

Okay. As you continue

to gaslight Rachel Berry,

phase two will incorporate the
tormenting of Will Schuester.

You will start by stealing

his utility bills

from the mailbox in front of his condo.



Hi, I-I'm still waiting for someone,

but in the meantime,

I would love a bottle of sparkling water.


I'm Walter. It's good to finally meet you.

Oh, hi!

I'd know you anywhere.

You look just like your photo.

Yeah, and your photo

definitely looks like you
a-a-a-at some point in time.

This is fun.

How old are you, exactly?


Well, since you're asking,


50... (muttering) years old.

No, but true story.

Last week, I bought a six-pack
of beer at the grocery store,

and the clerk asked me for my I.D.

I don't know

is she thought I was underage

or an undocumented
worker, but the point is,

I still feel like

I'm 30,

which is why I still use
that photo in my profile.


Have to be honest,

I-I, I just thought it
was an Instagram filter.

You're on Instagram? Me, too!


My handle is HotCupOWalter.

That's what my wife used to call me.

I was married for 33 years.

I got a couple kids
who're... about your age.

Ooh, no kidding, huh?


Yeah, I didn't come out of
the closet until last year.

You know, I thought I
never was gonna come out.

Look, W-Walter,

y-you seem like a very nice man,

but it's just that,

well, when talked on the phone,

you never mentioned that
you were in your 50s,

or that-that you were
married with-with kids.

But that's because we got so busy chatting

about how Golden Girls
is the greatest sitcom

of all time.

Look, you're absolutely right.

I should've been more honest, and I wasn't.

But it's not because I'm deluded

or some sort of a psycho,

it's just that...

I was really enjoying getting to know you.

I didn't want to say something
that would scare you off.


I can see that this is not a good fit.

So, I'm not gonna waste
any more of your time.

I'm really sorry.

Wait, no, I'm sorry.

I-I don't mean to be rude.

It's just that this is just,

you know, a lot to take in.

Well, how about this?

What if you and I just
started out as friends?

No expectations whatsoever.

We take it really slow,

and if either one of us gets uncomfortable,

we call it a day.


I-I like the sound of that.


♪ Hey, well, so... ♪


Sam, buddy, hey.

What... (sighs)

I-I think that's my mail.

Oh, yeah, I know, Rachel
asked me to steal it.

The bills, mostly.

She said that, you know,
if you stopped paying them,

that maybe you would get all distracted
with, like, collection agencies

and stop focusing on work,

which would give her an
advantage on Vocal Adrenaline.

Wait, seriously? Oh, yeah.

You know Rachel, she'll do anything to win.

I-I can't believe that she would do that.

We're friends.

She had no problem reminding of that

when she asked me to
throw the invitational.

Between you and me, Rachel's
kind of pissed at you.

Yeah, she thinks that

your suspiciously constant positivity

and encouragement is what clouded

her judgment to do her TV show,

and, um, she also blames you

for that time she broke her nose,

"Run Joey Run" and Boko Haram.

Which I don't know what the last one is.

I am so naive.

She's been playing me this whole time.

Well, hey, look, if you run into her,

could you please just do
me a favor and tell her

that I stole your bills,

because she asked me to come at night,

and then there's this
whole a.m./p.m. thing...

Get out of here. Get out of here!


MAN (over P.A.): Vocal Adrenaline,
please report backstage.

Two minutes to showtime.

WILL: All right, guys, how we feeling?

- You all ready?
- Yeah, I bet

you're super stoked.

I am stoked.

I've never been more
stoked or more serious.

You guys should be serious, too.

Don't touch me.

I want you to get fired up

for what's coming, all right?

Okay, yes, McKinley alumni

tried to tear at my loyalties,
and I almost let them.

But I will never let you down, okay?

Vocal Adrenaline has always
been the team to topple,

and today is no different, all right?

So I want you to own
this stage and dominate.

Are you bipolar?

Okay, show circle.

That means...



it's kind of my thing.

We all just get in there and just...

BOY: We don't like you.

All right,


You guys will learn that later.

Okay, have a good show.

Just-just go out there and...

and-and win.

Please direct your blank
stares to the curtain behind me.

Soon it will open and
there will be blood sport.

Happy Hunger Games.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

BOYS: ♪ Dum, dum, dum,
dum, dum, dum, da-dum ♪

♪ Da-dum, dum, dum,
dum, dum, dum, da-dum ♪

Ski-doo-bee-dop ♪

BOYS: ♪ Da-dum, dum,
dum, dum, dum, dum, dum ♪

♪ Doo, ski-doo-be-dop... ♪

Da-dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, da-dum ♪

♪ Doo,
ski-doo-be-dop ♪

♪ We were at a party ♪

♪ His earlobe fell in the deep ♪

♪ Someone reached in and grabbed it ♪

♪ It was a rock lobster ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah... ♪

♪ Rock lobster ♪

♪ Rock lobster ♪

♪ Hey, hey, ah, ah... ♪

♪ Hey, hey, ah, ah ♪

♪ Hey, hey, ah, ah, hey, hey, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah-ah, ah-ah,
ah-ah, ah-ah... ♪

♪ Rock lobster... ♪

Wow, he is so not throwing this.

♪ Rock lobster! ♪

♪ Down ♪

♪ Down... ♪


♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah... ah... ♪

♪ Rock lobster ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Rock lobster ♪

♪ Rock lobster-ster ♪

♪ Rock lobster ♪

♪ Rock, rock, rock, rock lobster ♪

♪ Rock lobster ♪

♪ Rock lobster! ♪

(song ends)

(Devo's "Whip It" begins)

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bahm, bahm, bahm ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bahm, bahm, bahm ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Crack that whip ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Give the past a slip ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Step on a crack ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Break your mama's back ♪

♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum ♪

♪ Bahm, bahm, bahm ♪

♪ When a problem comes along ♪

♪ You must whip it ♪

♪ Before the cream sets out too long ♪

♪ You must whip it ♪

♪ When something's going wrong ♪

♪ You must whip it ♪

♪ Now whip it ♪

♪ Into shape ♪

♪ Shape it up ♪

♪ Get straight ♪

♪ Go forward ♪

♪ Move ahead ♪

♪ Try to detect it ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To whip it ♪

♪ Into shape ♪

♪ Shape it up ♪

♪ Get straight ♪

♪ Go forward ♪

♪ Move ahead ♪

♪ Try to detect it ♪

♪ It's not too late ♪

♪ To whip it ♪

♪ Whip it good ♪

♪ Bahm,
Ba-da, Ba-da ♪

♪ I say whip it ♪

♪ Bahm,
Ba-da, Ba-da ♪

♪ Whip it good ♪

♪ Bahm,
Ba-da, Ba-da ♪

♪ I say whip it ♪

♪ Bahm,
Ba-da, Ba-da ♪

♪ Whip it good! ♪

(song ends)