Glee (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 4 - A Katy or a Gaga - full transcript

The members of New Directions tackle their assignment of getting out of their comfort zones and determining whether they're more like "Katy" (Perry) or (Lady) "Gaga." Kurt holds auditions ...

So here's what you missed
on Glee.

Rachel got the lead in Funny Girl
on Broadway

and Kurt now he's starting
a band.

Sue framed Figgins so now
she's a principal

and Becky's a becretary.

I'm planning on installing Becky
as my secretary

and I will refer to her as my

There's a new bitch on the Cheerio!
and her name's Bree.

And there's a new school nurse,
her name's Penny.

Penny Owen.

And she gave Sam a shock of

and now he's got like the
biggest crush ever.

It's your responsibility to dance
with me.

Jake and Marley have found
true love so you know

that's gonna last.

It's you and me against the world.

And that's what you missed
on Glee.

(chatter, singing,
playing instruments continues)

All right, big week, guys.

Come on. Gather round.
I have here in my hand...

Drumroll, please...

A secret list
of the show choirs

that we will be
in competition with

at Nationals in six weeks.

Ooh... Yes. Okay, let's
see what we've got.

We got the Rust-Belters
from Pittsburgh,

the Thunder Showcats
from Gainesville

(clears throat)
and finally, from Fort Wayne,

Throat Explosion.


Why, God?!


Uh, what? Throat Explosion?

That's a joke, right?

Anything but.

They're the new supergroup

the Show Choir Underground's
been buzzing about.

Their budgets for costume,
makeup, hair alone

are astronomical. You guys have
read that Malcolm Gladwell book.

Outliers, right?

So, Gladwell says you can't
possibly master anything

unless you've spent 10,000
hours practicing it.

So students can't even join
Throat Explosion without proving

they've logged in 10,000 hours
of show choir rehearsal.

They don't even go to class.

They just perform,
every minute of every day.

They live their art.
They know no boundaries.

They're constantly pushing the
envelope, living and performing

on the edge.
They're like mini Lady Gagas.


We're so screwed... they're not
like Vocal Adrenaline,

who were unfeeling Borg robots.

They're total outsiders
and misfits,

which used to be our niche.
We can't compete

with Throat Explosion anymore
at that level because we lost

our biggest Gaga
when Kurt graduated last year.

Look around, we're a room
full of, like, Katy Perrys now.

Oh, you best check
your spectrum, Queen T,

because orange is the new black,
and Unique is the new Gaga.

Well, not Marley...
she's a Katy Perry.

So is Sam, so is Blaine. I'm a
Katy Perry and I'm proud of it.

Uh, the truth is, Tina,
we're a potent mix

of Katy Perrys and Lady Gagas
in here.

But it's not a liability...

it's the way we're gonna
beat Throat Explosion.

Some of us in here are,
you know,

- ambi-edge. - Ambi-edge?
You just made that up.

Uh, some of us are more,
you know, wholesome,

innocent, romantic, all-American
girl-and boy-next-door types.

Uh, who in here would describe
themselves as a Gaga?

Okay, great.

And the rest of you are Katys?

Is there a third option?

We're gonna mix it up
a little bit.

We're turning our weaknesses
into our strengths.

This week, the Katys
will get their Gaga on

and the Gagas
will bring the Katy.

Throat Explosion
does their one thing

very, very well,

but we need to be able
to do both, impeccably,

or else we're not gonna have
a chance in hell

of winning Nationals this year.

(door bell jingles)
Here's your check.

Where have you been?

You said you were only gonna
be five minutes late.

I was at Cooper Square.
I was putting an ad

in The Village Voice
for my new band.

Wait, you're starting
a new band?

Yes, yes, well,
I-I sort of have to

'cause Adam kicked me out
of the Adam's Apples

when he found out
I was engaged.

Well, what kind of band
are you starting?

Are you taking girls?

Well, originally, I was thinking
of a Madonna cover band,

but I think I want it to
be more organic than that.

So, yes, girls will be in it,
and I was hoping

the three of you could spare me
the agony of open auditions

by signing up.

I don't know, Kurt.

I think it's just
a little too soon.

Rachel, Finn wouldn't want you
sitting on the sidelines

while life passes you by.

I know. It's just that,

with whatever strength
and creative energy I have,

it has to go towards Funny Girl.

I think that joining a band
right now

would just be a little
too much, but...


Well, you've got me.


What about you, babe?

Okay, I guess. But, listen,
if we're going to be

a part of this band,
we don't just get to help

with the set list. We also get
a say on who joins, right?

Sure. As long as you don't go
all crazy Nicki Minaj on me,

I'll see you at auditions.

(school bell rings)

Well, hi!

What's up with your arm?

Is that a... tattoo?

No... no, it's just
a temporary one.

I like to tat up when I go
to Skrillex concerts.

Last time I was there,

he spit in a cup
and threw it on me.


Or cool. I guess I wouldn't
have pegged you for the hardcore

dance punk
electronica kind of girl.

I know, right?
The last guy I dated...

I realize now
he's a total dillweed...

but I kind of liked
his taste in music.

I think I have, like,
a musical dark side.

Who is that?

Oh, uh, True Jackson, Lulu
and, uh, Ryan.

You haven't seen
True Jackson, VP?

Oh, my God.

It's awesome.
I have all three seasons on DVD.

Have you ever thought
about what you would do

if you landed your
dream job as a big shot

of a major company
and you were only 15?

I mean, how would you decorate
your office? Who would you hire?

True Jackson gets the chance
of a lifetime when she's hired

by her idol and made VP of
his fashion empire and then

every week she has to navigate
this scary new world

because True Jackson's gone
from homeroom to the boardroom.


Wow, Sam.

This is not
how I saw you at all.

W... Uh, weren't you a stripper?

Uh, well, uh, we prefer the term
"erotic entertainer."

Ah. I was gonna ask you, uh,

w-would you maybe want
to go out this weekend,

like, um, on a date?

Um, actually,
my ex is taking me

to the Nine Inch Nails concert
in Columbus this weekend.

- Not the dillweed.
- Actually, yeah.

I-It's cool though.
We're just friends now,

but he bought the tickets
when we were still dating,

and he really wants me
to go and...

Anyway, look,

I'll call you.

(school bell rings)

True Jackson, VP?
Is that even on anymore?

No, it got canceled. Evidently,
the people at Nickelodeon

don't care about
quality entertainment.

Don't judge me, dude, okay?
I'm bad-ass.

I play football and guitar and
I've been hillbilly handfishing.

I just... I happen to
like sweet things, too.

They relax me. Which is
why I like her so much.

But you said that she's into
Skrillex and Nine Inch Nails.

So she clearly isn't
exactly what she seems.

Exactly! She seems like a Katy
but she's secretly a Gaga,

and she only dates Gagas
and I'm a Katy.

Okay, well, hold up.
Penny likes Gagas

and you're a Katy.
But Mr. Shue's making

all the Katys sing a Gaga song,

so we bring Penny in to see it

and she's gonna get all weak
in her Skrillex-loving knees

and forget all
about her douche ex-boyfriend.

Then you, my friend,

will have a new love
of your life.


This Katy/Gaga lesson
is killing me.

It's like Mr. Shue did it
on purpose to keep us apart.

I don't think he
plans that much ahead.

I'm pretty sure he makes up
these rando lessons

a split second before he
writes 'em on the board.

Speaking of this week's lesson,

are you still okay
with dating someone so...

different than you?

(blowing raspberry)

I had Artie first, "bee-yatch"!

You get my sloppy seconds.

Oh, snap!

I did not have sex with Becky.

So... how long do
we have to wait here?

(sighs) This is humiliating.

I spent all of my tip money
renting out this room

because I thought
we'd have a turnout.

SANTANA: What did you expect?
No one's gonna try out

for a band that doesn't
even have a name.

Although I came up
with an amazing one.

Okay, we are not naming the
band the Apocalipsticks, okay?

I'm manifesting the
perfect name, all right?

It takes time. Yeah, and in the
meantime, no one signs up.

Well, one person did.
They obviously chickened out.

Maybe it's for the best.

I mean, who names
himself Starchild?



Sorry I'm late.

People kept stopping me
on the street,

Asking if they could take
their picture with me.

Yeah, 'cause you look
friggin' bad-ass.


I design and sew
this costume myself.

It's a little Project Runway,

Season 6.

- Have you prepared a song?
- Yeah, of course.

It's by one
of my favorite artists,

somebody that always inspires me
to be myself,

no matter what...
other people think.

♪ I'm gonna marry the night ♪

♪ I won't give up on my life ♪

♪ I'm a warrior queen,
live passionately ♪

♪ Tonight, I'm gonna ♪

♪ Marry the night ♪

♪ I'm gonna marry ♪

♪ The night... ♪

♪ I'm gonna marry ♪

♪ The night ♪

♪ I'm not gonna cry ♪

♪ Anymore, I'm gonna marry ♪

♪ The night ♪

♪ Leave nothing
on the streets to explore ♪

♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪

♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪

♪ M-M-M-Marry the night ♪

♪ I'm gonna lace up my boots ♪

♪ Throw on some leather ♪

♪ And cruise ♪

♪ Down the street that I love ♪

♪ In my fishnet gloves ♪

♪ I'm a sinner ♪

♪ Then I'll go down to the bar ♪

♪ But I won't cry anymore ♪

♪ I'll hold my whiskey up high ♪

♪ Kiss the bartender twice ♪

♪ I'm a loser ♪

♪ I'm gonna marry the night ♪

♪ I'm gonna marry ♪

♪ The night ♪

♪ I'm not gonna cry anymore ♪

♪ I'm gonna marry ♪

♪ The night ♪

♪ Leave nothing ♪

♪ On these streets to explore ♪

♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪

♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪

♪ M-M-M-Marry the night ♪

♪ Nothing's too cool ♪

♪ To take me from you ♪

♪ New York is not ♪

♪ Just a tan
that you'll never lose ♪

♪ Get Ginger ready ♪

♪ Climb to El Camino front ♪

♪ Won't poke holes
in the seats ♪

♪ With my heels
'cause that's where we make ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Come on and ♪

♪ Run... ♪

♪ Turn the car on and ♪

♪ Run... ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I'm gonna marry ♪

♪ The night ♪

♪ I'm gonna burn a hole
in the road ♪

♪ I'm gonna marry ♪

♪ The night ♪

♪ Leave nothin'
on these streets to explode ♪

♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪
♪ Marry ♪

♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪

♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪

♪ The night

♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪
♪ Marry ♪

♪ M-M-M-Marry ♪
♪ Marry ♪

♪ The night ♪

♪ The night... ♪

♪ The night ♪

♪ The night ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ The night... ♪

♪ The night. ♪



I would not

be embarrassed
to share the stage with you.

You just rocked it so hard.

Thanks. Thank you for
your time, Starchild,

but it's not a fit.

Are you insane?
I'm sorry. Would you mind

just stepping outside
for a moment while I bitch-slap

some sense into my friend?

No, I don't need
a minute, okay?

I've made my decision,
all right?

Your aesthetic is
striking, Starchild,

but it's a little outré for
the team that I'm assembling.

But if you're willing

to tone down your look,

maybe I'd reconsider.

You wanted to see me,
Principal Sylvester?

SUE: Would you care
to explain

why you're dressed
like Lady Gaga?

Would you care to explain why
you're dressed like Lady Gaga?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

If you're referring
to my face cage,

I'll have you know that
tomorrow I'm scheduled

for a routine colonoscopy,

and this apparatus helps
me avoid solid foods.

Okay. Well, the Glee Club

you specifically asked me
to try to mess with

is doing some
Katy Perry-Lady Gaga week

in an attempt to get 100%
of America to not like them.

Jake Puckerman's a Gaga,

and he's all up in that girl
Marley with the fat mom,

who's a Katy, probably because

her mom's boobs also
shoot out whipped cream.

So, I thought I'd throw
a little Gaga his way,

and see what happens.

This practice of referring

to oneself
as a Katy or a Gaga...

the Glee Club will be
doing this the entire week?

Super annoying, right?

It is the most annoying thing

they've ever done.


Well, it appears Will Schuester

has taken up
the age-old question

that has vexed
creepy pederasts since Socrates.

Before Katy versus Gaga,

it was Jackie versus Marilyn,
Betty versus Veronica,

Mary Todd Lincoln versus
Martha Washington.

Why must we always choose
between female pop archetypes?

Why can't we just be them all?

I sort of don't know what
you're talking about anymore.

That's because, for the past
12 hours, I have ingested

eight gallons
of saline solution.

I have more salt water in
my colon than Richard Simmons

after a poorly-executed

off the Fire Island Ferry.

Now get the hell
out of my office.

(school bell ringing)

Okay, we have to get to
Breadstix extra early on Friday

because they are having
a Julie Andrews tribute

at the Lima Limelight.

Mary Poppins, Sound of Music,

Princess Diaries, back to back.

It's gonna be amazing.

Yeah, that sounds
really awesome.

Do you not think
it sounds amazing?

I mean, it's just,
like, the same thing.

Breadstix, movie, Breadstix,
movie, Breadstix, three movies,

weekend after weekend.


I love you.

I'm bored of doing
the same thing.

Let's just, uh...

shake it up a little bit, eh?

Okay. Okay.
Uh, forget Mary Poppins.

We can do something else.

Um, uh, they're having
Orchid Mania at the gardens.

Uh, at the mall,

there's a mobile
cat adoption we could go to.

You are such a Katy.

I don't know how you're gonna
pull off being a Gaga.

Why? Because I like cats
and flowers and Julie Andrews?

That doesn't mean
I can't rock a bra

made out
of gloved leather hands.

Ooh, and I cannot wait
to see that.

Come on.

All right, Gagas, I'm taking
over this Monster Ball,

since I'm obviously

the edgiest one in the group.

And as a former teen stripper,
I understand the...

power of theatricality
and performativity.

Yeah, but what-what
are they building?

The future, Ryder.
They're building the future.

All right, we're
gonna get scary

and weird and controversial.

Uh, hence the catwalk?

We're taking it into
the audience, Blaine, right

in their faces and we're gonna
drop-kick the fourth wall.

Are those strobe lights?
Believe it!

Because some kids
might be epileptic.

Is it a seizure or is it just hardcore
next-level break-dancing? I don't know.

Come on, guys, I need sick ideas...
if we're gonna impress Penny,

this thing has to be so crazy

that it's declared legally
and clinically insane.

What if we had, like,
sparklers but we're inside?

That's crazy. RYDER: Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Or-or, uh, confetti,
only shaped like human skulls.

No! No, no, no, no!
No, those ideas suck!

You're not thinking
edgy and fresh!

You're thinking safe
and tired and boring!

Okay, look, here.

Take the sheet music
for "Applause," okay?

Learn it.

Own it.

Live it.

And then
strap in because right...

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, Artie.

We're not doing
this for Glee Club.

We're doing this in front
of the entire school.

And, yes,

Penny the school nurse will be
in attendance.

(gasps) Now, if
you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go guarantee
a sold-out show.

How are you gonna do that?

The same way Gaga would:

by recruiting
some Little Monsters.

(school bell rings)
SAM: Hey, Becky.

Wait up. I need
your help with something.

Bug off.

I don't do handies.

What? Uh, no. That's
not what I meant.

Just stop for a
second, okay? Look.

I know what your deal is:

on the outside,
you pretend to be Katy, but...

inside your soul is pure Gaga.

What are you talking about?

Lady Gaga.


Katy Perry?

The governor of Texas?

Okay, l... Never mind.

Listen. Just trust me.

We're putting on a huge show
in Glee Club, and I need you

to get the word out to all
the McKinley Monsters, okay?

All right, fine.

Whatever. I'll do it
if you just shut up!


That was rude.

So, Santana showed me

amazing audition video,

Ah. And she said that
you passed on him

because you didn't want to share

the "lavender limelight"
with anyone.

Rachel, it's a band, all right?

If I was afraid of sharing
the limelight with someone,

I would do a solo show
at the Duplex

about my obsession
with Broadway divas.

Why did you do that? You know,
he's really something special.

(sighs) Like I said
before, Starchild's look,

it's just too... edgy,
I-it's too out there.

It's-it's not what I want
for this band.

Okay, and what is that, exactly?
I don't know.

Mainstream acceptance
and success, for once.

Look, I've been doing this
"weirdo, quirky, fabulous,

"outrageous, sidekick, best
friend" thing for a while now,

and it hasn't
gotten me very far.

It got you to New York,
it got you into NYADA.

Does that give me
financial security?

A mass audience?

A song on the radio?

Since when
is that what you want?

Maybe since I moved to New York

and saw one of my friends
book a Broadway show

and another one,
a national commercial.

Look, Rachel,

there's nothing wrong
with wanting to be

that thing that everyone likes,

that thing that everyone
wants to see and hear

and that doesn't offend
or challenge anyone.

No, that's not you.
You're way more specific.

Which is code for fringe,

which is code for unsuccessful,

which is code for,
"You'll never make it

in the big leagues, kid.
Stop trying."

I know it's not my band, so I'm
not gonna tell you what to do.

But as your best friend
and your biggest fan,

what I love the most about you

is that you don't try
to do or be

what anyone else is doing, okay?
You make your own path.


It's so hard sometimes.
I know.

But it's gonna be worth it
in the long run, I promise you.

Your brand, it's gonna be huge.

Look at Madonna. She was
performing in the East Village,

and then she was
on the Super Bowl, okay?

That's gonna be you...
I know it.

You are a true talent, Kurt,

but I think, you know,
that Starchild might be as well.

And, luckily,
it might not be too late

for you to call him back.

I wish. I...

don't even have
his phone number.

Or his real name.

I'm so excited
for this weekend.

Me, too. I was thinking we
could add a little edge to it.

Okay. Oh, I know!

I can get us
some John Mayer tickets.

He's supposed
to be amazing live.

Uh, well, I'm-I'm
sure he is, but...

Yeah, it'll be fun.
Can't wait.


Well, well,
look at these two cuties.

Jake, I just wanted to mention

that the Cheerios! Are working
on something big

and could really use your
silky smooth dance moves

that make an awkward attempt
at combining hip-hop and ballet.

You're the best dancer
in this hellhole,

and I need you to help me
choreograph a number.

Thanks, Bree, but I'm not really
a choreographer.

Babe, no, you should do it.

You love it
and you're so good at that.


Okay, sure. Why not? I'm in.


I'll text you rehearsal dates.

'Kay. Thanks. Bye.


And a fun fact:
the name "Ohio" originates

from the Iroquois word

meaning "good river."

Attention, McKinley idiots.

Here are
your morning announcements

that I didn't do earlier
because I was busy

publicly breast-feeding my baby
at Starbucks.

Once again,
it's flea and tick season.

Please be sure to thoroughly
inspect your overly hormonal,

acne-riddled bodies.

(discordant notes playing)

BECKY: I am one of Mother
Monster's devoted disciples,

and I command you to open
your laptops immediately.

(discordant notes playing
over P.A. system)

(loud booing on video)

(techno beat starts)

I don't understand this video!

(music winds down, stops)

Th... I mean, it's just
a little teaser video

you know,
to get everybody psyched

for our Gaga performance.

It's at 3:30.

Uh, I saw.

So, are you gonna come?

I can't.

I'm getting a new piercing.

What? Where?

Oh! On my ear.

Oh, well, th... cool.
That's... yeah.

That's weird, you know,
'cause I was actually planning

on getting multiple
ear piercings this weekend.

We should do it together. That way, you
know, you could catch our show today.

You know, 'cause it's gonna be
really crazy, like Gaga crazy.

Especially me, you know, 'cause
I'm all totally edgy and stuff.

- Mmm.
- So?

What do you say? Yes? No? Yes?

- Yes? Yes?
- Sure.

Okay. I'm thinking of lions
and tigers.

We'll unleash them from the zoo.
Now, that's "Roar."

I want to whip the audience and
make them our slaves.

Let's reenact a
baby's birth onstage!

Ooh, we can float in giant
plastic bags of amniotic fluid.


Are you awake?

We've been at this
for five hours.

And we'll be at it
five more hours

until we come up
with the perfect idea.

Okay. Later.

Where do you think you're

To the dance studio.

I'm helping the Cheerios

with some choreography.

Who talked you into doing that?

Let me guess.


She is the most vile

human being on this planet.

And, yes, I know that is saying
something, coming from me.

(school bell rings) Marley.

I'm not saying that Jake's
on the verge of cheating,

but I'm not not saying it.

Like my Aunt Felicia
always says,

a tiger can't change
his stripes.

Especially when that
tiger's a man slut.

Jake's not like that. Not anymore.

I know he loves you and you love
him, but that was pre-Bree.

That girl is poison.
She is whack like crack,

a penis flytrap, Marley.

She will chew him up.

♪ Preach. ♪

(techno dance music playing)
One, two,

three, four, five, six...

Great. What am I supposed
to do? I'm not like that.

I'm not that kind of girl. This
is your week to fight back.

You need to go full Gaga
and show them both

that you can be hardcore, too.

I'm not gonna get paranoid
about Jake.

Either he wants to be
with the real me or he can go.

Bring the edge!

Entertain me! Entertain me!
Uh, Becky, Becky, sit down.

All right. Thank you.

(up-tempo intro plays)

♪ I stand here waiting ♪

♪ For you to bang the gong ♪

♪ To crash the critic saying ♪

♪ "Is it right
or is it wrong?" ♪

♪ If only fame had ♪

♪ An I.V., baby, could I bear ♪

♪ Being away from you ♪

♪ I found the vein,
put it in here ♪

♪ I live for the applause ♪

♪ Applause, applause ♪

♪ I live for
the applause-plause ♪

♪ Live for the applause-plause ♪

♪ Live for the way ♪

♪ That you cheer
and scream for me ♪

♪ The applause, applause ♪

♪ Applause ♪

♪ Give me that thing I love,
I'll turn the lights on ♪

♪ Put your hands up,
make it real loud ♪

♪ Give me that thing I love,
I'll turn the lights on ♪

♪ Put your hands up,
make it real loud ♪

♪ A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E ♪

♪ Make it real loud,
put your hands up ♪

♪ A-P-P ♪

♪ L-A-U-S-E ♪
♪ Make it real loud ♪

♪ Put your hands up ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Touch, touch ♪

♪ Ooh, hoo ♪

♪ Touch, touch ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I live for the applause,
applause, applause ♪

♪ I live for
the applause-plause ♪

♪ Live for the applause-plause,
live for the ♪

♪ Way that you cheer
and scream for me ♪

♪ The applause, applause

♪ Applause ♪

♪ Give me that thing I love ♪

♪ I'll turn the lights on ♪

♪ Put your hands up,
make it real loud ♪

♪ Give me that thing I love ♪

♪ I'll turn the lights on ♪

♪ Put your hands up,
make it real loud ♪

♪ A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E
♪ Make it real loud ♪

♪ A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E ♪
♪ Make it real loud ♪

♪ A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E ♪
♪ Make it real loud ♪

♪ A-P-P-L-A-U-S-E ♪

♪ A-R-T-P-O-P. ♪

(applause, whooping)

What happened to the seashell bikini?
I wasn't comfortable.

Well, get over yourself...
you think I'm just

comfortable up here
with no shirt on!

Yeah, you probably are.

Well, I'm not exactly loving
this giant white thing

that keeps getting caught
in my wheels.

Yeah, and I look like
Siegfried and Roy,

and I still did it.

It was the assignment.

Okay, I'm sorry, you guys,

but I am who I am,

and I'm not gonna
change that for any number

- or any guy. - WILL: Marley,
we're all trying

to win a championship here,
as a team,

but you put your personal
agenda above that.

I'm sorry, but...

you're suspended
for the rest of the week.

Oh, snap!

Are you freaking kidding me?

You just see what they did.

I have literally
giving you...

This is not going to work.

- Stop it.
- Guys, we need to focus!

It is now the day of,
and we still don't have

a strong plan for this
Katy song, and I think

- it's pretty obvious what the problem is.
- Uh, because

we're a bunch of Gagas
trying to out-Katy the Katys

who just did a Gaga song
featuring Marley

as Katy?

Besides, we did have a plan,

but King Latifah
dropped the ball.

Uh-uh. Let me
auto-correct that for you.

I tried breaking into the zoo
to get us live tigers.

Plot twist:
Lima doesn't have a zoo!

Why'd we think it did?

But I did get us a lion costume

to make up for it.
Didn't I?

(heavy sigh)

I'm really not okay with this.

Guys, the real problem is,
we're thinking

gimmicks and
spectacle, and, yes,

both Katy and Gaga
share that, but...

what people love about Katy's
music is it's fun and kind

and real and girl-next-door.

We need to strip it down.

No costumes,
no special effects,

no gimmicks...
just the music.


I look like a gay Thundercat.

Welcome to the Spotlight.

I'm Kurt, I'll be
your Chorus Boy waiter today.

Could I start you off with one
of our signature Orange Freezes?

First, uh, can I
ask you something?

Is this toned down enough?

Oh, my God... Starchild.

It's Elliot Gilbert, actually.

(laughs quietly)

Do you have a minute to talk?
Yeah, I-I'm taking

an intermission.

Okay, uh, that's how we say.

"I'm taking a break" here.

We have to say it that way,
otherwise we get fined. Mm.

Uh, I'm so happy to see you.

I've been trying to find you
since your audition.

Yeah, same.
Uh, hence my stalking you.

(chuckles) So, I'm just gonna
come right out and say this.

Uh... I need to be
in your band.

I mean, I came to New York
to be in your band.

Something cool and
fun and-and special.

Well, here's hopin'.
Um, came from where?

Uh, if you say Ohio,
I'm gonna die.

Paramus, New Jersey.

Land of malls.

Oh. As soon as I was old enough,

I used to take New Jersey
Transit into the city

to see shows and concerts
and go to museums.

So I only applied to
colleges in New York.

- Oh, do you go to NYADA, too?
- No. NYU.

Oh. I... didn't get in to NYADA.

- Yeah? - But it's cool. I mean, I'm
doing things all over the city,

and one of the things on
my artist's bucket list

is to be in an indie band.

So, if...

Starchild's too much for you...

I can be whoever you want.

(chuckles) I just wanted
to make an impression.

You did.

And after a lot
of soul-searching,

I've come to the conclusion
that the greatest chance

for my band and my-my brand
to be successful

is to surround myself
with the best people.

And although there
wasn't much of it,

you blew the competition away.

(laughs) So I can
audition again?


You're in.
As Elliot Gilbert,

as Starchild,
or someone in between.

Whoever you want to be.
SANTANA: Intermission's over.

And you have a fiancé,
so stop flirting.

Santana, this is Elliot Gilbert,

AKA Starchild.

Oh, well, hot damn!


And I hope the newest
member of our band.

(school bell ringing)

Hey, uh, you disappeared
after our show.

What'd you think?

Mmm... well,
I really liked the part

where the girl got suspended.

No, I... about our... what'd
you think about our number?

I didn't hate it.

Okay, I kind of did. But it's
nothing against you, though.

Lady Gaga just isn't my thing.

She's just too dark for me.

I thought you said you
had a musical dark side.

I lied. My exes have
musical dark sides.

Ever since preschool,
people have said,

sure, Penny Owen has beautiful,
wavy, sun-kissed hair,

but she's just so vanilla.

So I started dating bad boys,
and bad boys can be fun

until they steal your heart,
and your car,

and everything
out of your dorm.

I'm done with bad boys.

And my favorite artists

are mainstream

like Carrie Underwood,
Bruno Mars and Katy Perry.

Me, too! Oh, my gosh,
I am so not a Gaga.

Oh! I love Katy Perry.
I'm such a Katy.

Oh, it just feels so good
to say it out loud.

I... I also still like
the Jonas Brothers.

- I still like the Biebs.
- No.

You know, Katy Perry's
going on tour next year.

You want to hit up a concert with
me, if she ever comes to Ohio?

Uh, y... sure,
yeah, sure, yeah.

Uh, but why wait a year?

Some of the Glee Club are
doing a Katy jam today.

Oh, yeah, that could be...

Ooh, my gosh, Sam, calm down.

♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ Yeah I was in the dark ♪

♪ I was falling hard ♪

♪ With an open heart ♪

♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ How did I read the stars
so wrong? ♪

♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ And now it's clear to me
that everything you see ♪

♪ Ain't always what it seems,
I'm wide awake ♪

♪ Yeah, I was dreaming
for so long ♪

♪ I wish I knew then ♪

♪ What I know now ♪

♪ Wouldn't dive in ♪

♪ Wouldn't bow down ♪

♪ Gravity hurts ♪

♪ You made it so sweet ♪

♪ Till I woke up ♪

♪ On, on the concrete ♪

♪ Falling from ♪

♪ Cloud nine ♪

♪ Falling down ♪

♪ Crashing from the high... ♪

♪ Falling, falling ♪

♪ I'm letting go ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm falling from ♪

♪ Cloud nine ♪

♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ Not losing any sleep ♪

♪ I picked up every piece ♪

♪ And landed on my feet ♪

♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ Need nothing to complete ♪

♪ Myself ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ Yeah, I am born again ♪

♪ Out of the lion's den ♪

♪ I don't have to pretend ♪

♪ And it's too late ♪

♪ The story's over now ♪

♪ The end... ♪

♪ The end ♪

♪ I wish I knew then ♪

♪ What I know now ♪

♪ Wouldn't dive in ♪

♪ Wouldn't bow down ♪

♪ Gravity hurts ♪

♪ You made it so sweet ♪

♪ Till I woke up ♪

♪ On, on the concrete ♪

♪ I'm wide awake ♪
♪ Thunder rumble ♪

♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ Castles crumble ♪

♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ I am trying to hold on ♪

♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ God knows ♪

♪ That I tried ♪
♪ I'm wide awake ♪

♪ Seeing the bright side ♪

♪ And I'm not blind anymore ♪

♪ I'm falling ♪

♪ From cloud nine ♪

♪ It was out of the blue ♪

♪ I'm crashing
from the high... ♪

♪ Now I'm letting go ♪

♪ Tonight... ♪


♪ I'm falling from ♪

♪ Cloud nine ♪

♪ I'm wide awake. ♪

(song ends)


JAKE: Well, I haven't seen
a Katy this sad since

the Russell Brand breakup
scene in Part of Me.

I know. I'm sorry.

I just can't believe
I wasn't allowed in there

to watch your performance.

I've never been suspended

I've never even been
in trouble for anything.

Well, I have.

Plenty, actually.
Yeah, but...

Hey, listen, why don't you
come over after school today?

Okay? We'll do
something fun.

My mom has Mary Poppins on DVD.


Thank you.

Okay, I'll go home and
change first.

No, don't. I'm kind of digging
this whole Katy vibe.


Even the wig?

Especially the wig.

Oh And my mom's working
a double shift,

so she won't be home
until way, way late.

Um, sure.

(grunts) Jake, stop.


Can we have an honest
conversation about this?

The whole point to being

is that we hang out
and spend all this time together

so that we can appreciate
and trust each other.

I totally appreciate
and trust you.

And what better place is there

to explore certain aspects
of ourselves than here?

Are you telling me that the only
reason you hang out with me

and all that is just
so I'll let you touch my boobs?

What? No. No, no.
Of course not.

But I feel like you won't even
consider it.

Like you don't care
that it's bumming me out.

Well, what do you want me to do? I
just don't want to be pressured

into doing something
I don't want to do!

Who is pressuring you, Marley?

I have been the most patient.

The most understanding.

I mean, I used
to stop calling a girl

if she didn't let me
in her pants after six hours.

Ugh! Then go be
with one of those girls!

Go! Have fun!



Do you... want to go somewhere?


Someplace... private.

Really private.

A private part of the school?

I like private parts.

Is your girlfriend going
to be there?

Do you want to go or not?


I'll get my coat.

We'll need something
to lay on the ground.

I don't want to get grass stains
on my uniform.

What if we name our band
the Nipslips?

Boob lovers of all genders

will show up for sure.

Um, it worked
for the Barenaked Ladies.

- And they were guys.
- Sure,

we'll just call ourselves
the Areolas.

Nope. Areola 51...
get the sci-fi geeks.

I was being sarcastic.

No, you were actually
just being the No-bot.

How 'bout you pitch something
instead of shooting down

everything that
we're coming up with?

Okay, I don't have it yet.

But I'll know it when I hear it.

(sighs) (door slides open)

SANTANA: Oh, yo, girl.
How was rehearsal?

It was sad.
I sang "My Man" all day,

which was kind of depressing.

Aw. We have comfort food
if you want a slice.

No, I'm good.
What are you guys doing?

Beating our heads up against
the wall trying to come up

with a name for our band
that pleases the queen.

Why don't you call yourselves...

Pamela Lansbury?

No... I was kidding.

Rachel, you're a genius.

A band with the raw sex appeal
of Pamela Anderson

and the quiet dignity

of Angela Lansbury.

Okay, now you have to join.

No, I can't. I told you.

Rachel, I'm serious, okay?

No more Funny Girl excuses.

When Barbra was doing Fanny,

she still had time to sing

for the President
and Ladybird Johnson,

pose for the cover
of Tim magazine,

and sing "Happy Days
Are Here Again"

to adoring nightclub audiences
all around the country.

Now, you can do this.

Okay, you had me
at Ladybird Johnson.

(everyone cheering)

- Yay!
- Yeah!



Let's get to work.

And that's why math and music

will be friends to the end.

(door opens) You guys!

Throat Explosion
just tweeted out

that they're doing "Applause" as
one of their Nationals numbers!

So? Big deal.

We'll just do another
Lady Gaga song.

They're mocking us.

They're saying
they're so confident

they're gonna win,
they're even gonna give us

a little head start
by telling us

what their set list is.

We should just forfeit now.

Guys, guys!
Just calm down.

So our completion is good,
so was Vocal Adrenaline.

And the Warblers.

And thank God for that.

If there's anything
we can learn

from this week's lesson,

it's that
other people's greatness

makes our greatness
even greater.

Gaga and Katy,
they push each other

to try harder, to get
better, to be bolder.

At the end of the day,

all of the friendly
competition between those two

just means more really
amazing music for all of us.

I mean, I hope Throat Explosion
is unstoppable,

because then we know
we have to be unstoppable too.

You think he had that
in mind all week,

or did he just make
it up on the spot?

What are you talking about?
Mr. Shuester's a genius.

This week, we saw what it was
like to face our weaknesses

and turn them into strengths...
we split up.

But now, for our last number,

we are going to come together
as one unified group.

Oh... please let it be
another Journey song.

There's gotta be one left.


Hello, Glee Club.

- Hi, William.
- Sue.

You know,
I was sitting in my office

organizing my collection of

custom-made bobble heads
of my sworn enemies,

and just to the right of
Henry Kissinger and Drake,

well, I saw your hair helmet
just bobbling up and down

and I realized, well,
I haven't marched in here

and brought down the
hammer in way too long.

You're all suspended
for a week.

What? Wait, Sue,
you can't...

I can do that
and I just did it, William.

There are rules about what
kids can wear to school

and these rejects
from the cutting room floor

of a Tod Browning movie

are in violation of each
and every one of them.

Okay, what rules?
I mean,

the Glee Club has
been walking around

in costumes for four years.

Well, that was BS:
"Before Sue."

One week suspension,
starting now.

Sue, look it, look...

we have four weeks
to prepare for Nationals.

Right. We can't afford
to lose one of them.

You said yourself
you wanted us to win.

No, I said you have
to win to remain a club.

I don't actually want
you to win, William.

Are you seriously
starting up this feud again?

Oh, it never ended, William.

It's been hibernating like
a polar bear in winter.

You know, Sue,
the problem with this war

is that I always seem
to find a way to win it.

Yeah. Every time.

And I wouldn't plan on that changing.
Well, I am principal.

Which means there's only one
of us with an atomic bomb.

- Bring it on, Sue.
- It is well brung.

Yet again.

It is brung.

Fine... but you
better get ready

to hear
the New Directions! Roar.

Three, four!
(Katy Perry's "Roar" begins)

Even though
I don't know your names,

you band geeks
are suspended, too.

♪ I used to bite my tongue ♪

♪ And hold my breath ♪

♪ Scared to rock the boat
and make a mess ♪

♪ So I sat quietly ♪

♪ Agreed politely ♪

♪ I guess that I forgot
I had a choice ♪

♪ I let you push me past
the breaking point ♪

♪ I stood for nothing ♪

♪ So I fell for everything ♪

♪ You held me down,
but I got up ♪

♪ Already
brushing off the dust ♪

♪ You hear my voice,
you hear that sound ♪

♪ Like thunder,
gonna shake your ground ♪

♪ You held me down,
but I got up ♪

♪ Get ready
'cause I've had enough ♪

♪ I see it all, I see it now ♪

♪ I got the eye of the tiger,
a fighter ♪

♪ Dancing through the fire ♪

♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪

♪ And you're gonna
hear me roar ♪

♪ Louder ♪

♪ Louder than a lion ♪

♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪

♪ And you're gonna
hear me roar ♪

♪ Oh-oh oh-oh,
oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh,
oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh oh-oh,
oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ You're gonna hear me roar ♪

♪ Now I'm floating
like a butterfly ♪

♪ Singing like a bee,
I earned my stripes ♪

♪ I went from zero ♪

♪ To my own hero ♪

♪ You held me down,
but I got up ♪

♪ Already brushing
off the dust ♪

♪ You hear my voice,
you hear that sound ♪

♪ Like thunder,
gonna shake your ground ♪

♪ You held me down,
but I got up ♪

♪ Back up... I had enough ♪ Get
ready 'cause I've had enough ♪

♪ I've seen it all,
I see it now ♪

♪ I got the eye of the tiger ♪

♪ A fighter ♪

♪ Dancing through the fire ♪

♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪

♪ And you're gonna
hear me roar ♪

♪ Louder ♪

♪ Louder than a lion ♪

♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪

♪ And you're gonna
hear me roar! ♪

♪ Roar, roar, roar, roar ♪

♪ Roar ♪

♪ I got the eye of the tiger ♪

♪ A fighter,
dancing through the fire ♪

♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪

♪ And you're gonna
hear me roar ♪

♪ Louder, louder than a lion ♪

♪ 'Cause I am a champion ♪

♪ And you're gonna
hear me roar ♪

♪ Oh-oh oh-oh,
oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh,
oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪ Oh-oh oh-oh,
oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ You're gonna hear me roar! ♪

♪ Oh-oh oh-oh,
oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh-oh oh-oh, oh, oh,
oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Hear me roar ♪ Oh-oh
oh-oh, oh, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ You're gonna hear me roar! ♪