Glee (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 16 - Tested - full transcript

Sam and Mercedes as well as Kurt and Blaine encounter trouble in their relationship; Artie regrets his decisions.

So here's what you missed
on Glee.

Sam and Mercedes are dating
and they're actually living

together after Sam tried couch
surfing at Rachel and Kurt's

and they made him move out.

You've been sitting there
since I left this morning.

Blaine moved out, too,
even though he and Kurt

are still together
and still getting married,

but still they decided
it'd be better

if they were living apart.
Artie's in New York, too,

and he used to date Tina
then Brittany then Kitty,

but now he's single
and on the prowl

at film school in Brooklyn.

And that's what you missed
on Glee.

America is under attack.

Who's about to
sneak up to Lady Liberty

and punch her in the face?
Is it the marauding Hun

blitzkrieging across Europe?

Is it the Imperial Navy,
who attacked our boys

at Pearl Harbor?

America faces a much more

insidious threat: STDs!

Hey, boys.

Did you know there's an
epidemic in this country?

Well, there is. And it could
be hiding in your trousers.

Do you know what an STD is?

It's a sexually
transmitted disease.

And the numbers
are skyrocketing.

And don't think you're not
in danger just because

you're a handsome idiot,

a debonair homosexual,

a hapless invalid,

or a strapping male soprano.

I'll bet you'd like to know
how you can stop this epidemic

in its tracks and give
Lady Liberty back her dignity.

Why, get tested, of course.

Just say, "I think I may
have the clap, please."

And you're well on your way

to making this country
shipshape again.

Hey, boys. Do you know that an
untreated STD can lead to...

- Blindness!
- Sterility!

- Insanity?
- Even death.

Do you want to end up
in an iron lung?

No, sir!

Attaboy, soldier.

Feels good, doesn't it, boys?

And how.

Remember, get tested for STD.

Or America will end up R.I.P.

I couldn't agree with
you more, Happy Tourist Family.

I love New York.

The culture,

the diversity...

and, oh, the food.

Hey. You want
the regular, Blaine?

You know it, Aristotle.

Lima's idea
of international cuisine

is a Taco Bell and Breadstix.

But in NYC,

it's a United Nations
of restaurants.

From Mexican to Mongolian,

Hungarian to Honduran,

Vietnamese to Viennese.

And there's always room

in the tum-tum
for my newest obsession:


If a croissant and a donut
made sweet, sweet love,

their baby would be a cronut,

a flaky,
yet buoyant sugar-kissed

pastry of perfection.

It's sort of become a habit

that I enjoy a cronut
or two on the way to school.

And maybe on the way back home.

Okay, I'm addicted to them.

But they go great
with everything,

especially the breakfast in bed

that I serve Kurt
every Sunday morning.


Yes, the Big Apple
is delicious, and I plan

on savoring every bite.

Come on,

come on, come on.

Could this be the...

Could it be the Freshman 15?

Frank Sinatra said it best.

New York is my kind of town.

Actually, I think
he was talking about Chicago,

but I'm in New York now,

and as Dorothy Gale
always said,

there's no place like home.

Except she was talking
about Kansas.

Still, New York is just
so different from high school.

At McKinley, no one wanted
anything to do with me

because I was a nerd in
a wheelchair

who tucked my sweaters
into my pleated khakis.

But here,
I do exactly the same thing,

and everyone thinks it's cool.

Hey, Artie. Look.

In high school,

I had to beg girls
to go out with me.

Here, I'm lady bait.

I'm like the pied piper
of coed trim.

A year ago,
I was dating one girl

and considered myself lucky.

Now, I'm dating three.

Hi, Artie.

Hey, Vanessa.

I'm Vanessa,
and I'm so hot for Godard.

I made my parents throw
a French New Wave party

for my sixth birthday.

When I saw Artie's experimental
short film,

Rags the Homeless Clown,

I was like, "Oh, yes,
I will sleep with him."

Hey, Jess.

Are we on for The Fly
at Film Forum tonight?

You bet your sweet ass we are.

Yeah, I have a thing
for wheelchairs.

Crash is the greatest
film ever made,

and I'm not talking
about that Paul Haggis

Oscar-bait train wreck.

That film could've used
a train wreck.

I'm talking Cronenberg.

Hey, Julie.

Sorry I'm late.

And then there's Julie.

She's the one I've really
got my heart set on.

I'm ready when you are.

This is narration
for Bags in the Wind,

a film by Artie Abrams,
take one.

When a plastic bag gets
caught in the wind,

does it feel sadness or hope?

Does the plastic bag know
it is eternal?

She's smart,
funny, super talented,

and everyone likes her.

A year ago,
I would have been terrified

to ask out a girl like her,

but these days, I've learned
you just got to go for it.

♪ Your lights are on ♪

♪ But you're not home ♪

♪ Your mind ♪

♪ Is not your own ♪

♪ Your heart sweats ♪

♪ Your body shakes ♪

♪ Another kiss ♪

♪ Is what it takes ♪

♪ You can't sleep ♪

♪ You can't eat ♪

♪ There's no doubt ♪

♪ You're in deep ♪

♪ Your throat is tight ♪

♪ You can't breathe ♪

♪ Another kiss ♪

♪ Is all you need ♪

♪ Whoa, you like to think

♪ That you're immune
to this stuff ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ It's closer to the truth ♪

♪ To say you can't get enough ♪

♪ You know you're gonna
have to face it ♪

♪ You're addicted to love ♪

♪ Might as well face it ♪

♪ You're addicted to love ♪

♪ Might as well face it ♪

♪ You're addicted to love ♪

♪ Might as well face it ♪

♪ You're addicted to love ♪

♪ Might as well face it ♪

♪ You're addicted to love ♪

♪ Might as well face it ♪

♪ You're addicted to love ♪

♪ Might as well ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Your lights are on ♪

♪ But you're not home ♪

♪ Your will ♪

♪ Is not your own ♪

♪ Your heart sweats ♪

♪ Your teeth grind ♪

♪ Another kiss ♪

♪ And you'll be mine, oh, oh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Might as well face it ♪

♪ You're addicted to love ♪

♪ Might as well face it ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ You're addicted to love ♪

♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Might as well face it ♪

♪ You're addicted to love ♪

♪ You might as well face it ♪

♪ You're addicted to love. ♪

Great, Julie.

I want to try it again,

but this time
with a little more...

twilight in your voice?


That's amazing direction, Artie.

Listen, Julie,

maybe we could go out sometime?

Like on a date?

I'd love to, Artie.

It's just... I sort
of have a policy

where I don't date anyone
that I'm working with.

Oh, sure.

Great. Take two.

Stage combat
is not for the weak of heart.

Our bodies are our weapons.

And speaking of weapons,
check out the gun show.

I finally hit puberty.

I'm serious.

Make a muscle.

I've got to hand it to Kurt.

He's looking amazing
these days,

and he deserves all
the attention he's getting.

Still, I just can't help
but feel...

What is it?

Oh, just cut the crap, Blaine.

I'm actually feeling
a little jealous.

Back at McKinley, I'd be
the guy getting fawned over.

I lifted; I boxed;

I was in the Dalton Fight Club
for God's sake.

And Kurt was, well, Kurt.

Most of the time,
he was more comfortable

hanging out with the girls.

Like when the Glee Club
sang "Summer Nights,"

he did the Rizzo part.

But the winds have changed.

There's a shift
in the power dynamic.

Kurt's the hot shot now.

And after what happened to him
a few weeks ago,

a lot of people look at him
as a hero.

He's leading man material.

I've always known
he could be that,

but most people didn't.

I guess I'm just not used
to Kurt

being seen as a sexual object.

And to be completely honest,

I don't know
if I'm comfortable with that.

Let's go, Cheese Puff.

Time-out, okay?


I need to come up for air.
This sofa's killing my back.

Well, actually, you know what,

Blaine's not going to be home
for a couple hours,

so if you wanted to
go lay down or...

Sam, I think we need
to have a conversation.


Things never got...

too serious for us
back in high school

for a number reasons,

but the truth is, things haven't
gotten too serious

for me with anyone.

I'm a virgin.



I'm not.

Yeah, I got that.

You know, and that's fine.

We just,
we have different pasts,

and different levels
of experience.

I just,
I don't want to do anything

until I know that I should.


Okay, well, uh,

we can go as slow or as fast

as you would like to.

As long as we're together,

you get to call the shots.

You guys, look, you need
to help me find a clinic,

preferably free.
Are you sick?

Um, I don't think so.

Then what do you
need a clinic for?

To make sure that I'm
not, you know, sick.

Okay, guys, look, I'm trying
to be a gentleman here,

like, you know, Mercedes-wise.

Look, and I want to get
an STD test

just to make sure I have
a clean bill of health to,

you know, ease her mind.

Wait, you guys
haven't had sex yet?

What's so shocking?
Okay, we just started dating.

But you sleep in the same room.

Well, I mean, I really like her,

and I don't want
to mess things up, you know?

We're taking it slow.

Well, I, for one,

think that's very,
uh, admirable

and, uh, postmodern romantic.

And if you need a free clinic,

there's one
on 14th Street in Chelsea.

Does it hurt?

I mean, do they, like,

stick your thing with anything?

No, it's just, like,

a blood and urine sample.
It's just quick and simple.

If you're nervous about it,
I'll go with you. Yeah.

Boys' day. That sounds fun.
Yeah, I mean,

you know, we haven't been tested
since the whole Eli C debacle.

I mean, not that we have
anything to worry about,

but it would
be the responsible thing to do,

for all of us to get tested.

Even you, Artie.

Oh, I-I didn't order this.

Oh, I-I whispered to her.

It's my little gift
to you. Trust me,

you and your crazy self-denial
dietary regimen will thank me

once you have one sip of
this Frozen Hot Chocolate.

All right, uh, one sip,

then I'll thank you,
then I'll jog home.


Cheers, cheers.

Cheers, cheers.
Oh, my God.

Just have the whole thing.

It's really good.


Artie Abrams?

Okay, I'll cut right
to the chase.

You have tested positive
for chlamydia.

What? You can't be serious.

I haven't had any
of the symptoms.

If I had,
I would've come in right away.

Well, the test
came back positive,

which means you're asymptomatic,
which is even worse

because it means that you could
be spreading the disease

without knowing it.

That's what I call
a season finale.

Sam, I can't keep watching
this show with you.

Oh, come on, Blaine. Season seven of
Arliss is when it gets really good.

Guys, I can't stand it anymore.
I have to tell you something.

I have chlamydia.

What? What? Oh, my God.

Yeah, I know. Yeah,
Are you serious?

The doctor called me
and said I tested positive.

How is that possible?

I don't know how.

- do you wear condoms?
- No.

Well, that would be how.

Artie, are you kidding?!
The one time

I bought some, I got nervous
because they were locked

in a cabinet and the pharmacist
asked me which kind I liked

and I panicked so then she gave
me these ones that were all...

greasy and they smelled
like banana.

It was like putting
on a-a tiny, greasy,

banana-flavored wet suit.

No, Artie, okay? That's...
There's no excuse.

That is completely

You have to wear
one every time!

Stop yelling. I'm sure
he feels bad enough.

No, Blaine, this isn't okay.
Artie needs to be slut-shamed.

- I'm slut-shaming you, Artie!
- You're lucky you just got chlamydia.

I mean, you could've caught
something that can't be cured.

Yeah, you could've
gotten somebody pregnant.

Did you think about that?

Slut! Slut shame!

Well, I'm sure

you're getting treated, right?

Yes. I take antibiotics
for two weeks

and then I go for a checkup
to make sure it's cured.

You have to tell the girl you slept with.
Which one?

I'm-I'm sorry, "which one"?

Yeah, I've been sleeping
with two different girls.

Who are you? It's like
I don't even know you!

Sam, calm down!

Artie, listen to us.

You have to tell these girls
that you have chlamydia.

If you don't, you're gonna
put their health at risk.

And they could be
spreading it to others.

It's the right thing to do.
You owe it to them.

You have what?!
I can't believe this.

I think I'm going to pass out.

I'm so sorry. Let me explain.

What is there to explain?!

You have chlamydia.

And now I have to get tested,

which means I have to go down
to the campus free clinic,

and sit in that waiting room
with warts on my face.

Oh, my God! Am I going
to get a freaking canker?

My parents are coming to visit.

I just hope we can
still be friends.

Friends?! No, Artie.
We are not friends.

You are Patient Zero,
and I'm telling everyone

to stay away from you because
you, Artie, are disgusting!


And, Artie? Your films suck!


Can I talk to you in private?


I'm-I'm just gonna
come out and say it.

I tested positive
for chlamydia.

Oh, okay, is that it?

I don't know if you heard
what I said. I...

You have chlamydia. I heard you.
Don't worry about it.

I'll just go to the free clinic
today after class.

You're not mad?
I'm not if you're not. I mean,

for all we know, I could've
given it to you. Later.


Can I talk to you for a second?


when you asked me out,
and I said no?


I thought about it
and I'm an idiot.

I'd love to go out with you.


I'm free tomorrow night
if you maybe want

to grab some food or something?

Mm-hmm, sure.

Well, I will see you then.

But you like it, don't you?
It's subdued, right?

It's, like, I wanted to
go all Russell Westbrook,

but then I was like no,
more like 'Melo Anthony,

'cause that's, like, my thing.

Stop stressing.

Look, I get it... you don't think
I'm gonna fit in here.

Uh, blond hair, light skin.

I'm-I'm DQ'd from the start.

Let's just offer our thanks
for our blessings.

Speaking of, I have an offering.

A clean, spotless
bill of health.


In order to give you everything,

I have to make sure I don't...

give you anything.

Okay. Come here.

Baby, thank you so much.

Total, total sweetness.

But you are focusing way too
much on what's on the outside.

I mean, the hair, the suit.

And the other thing.

I guess what
I'm trying to say is

I'm still unsure
about going all the way.

And I know that I love you,
but I don't know,

I just, I want to turn
to God for the answers.

I get it. In order to bring
someone into your life

you have to bring
the Holy Spirit in first.

And praise
to our brothers and sisters

from the Land of the Rising Sun,

who came all the way across

from God's green Earth
to hear us lift our voices.

Not that I'm having a bad time,

uh, or anything,
but when does this end?

Maybe your butt's too bony.

Maybe you just need
to grow a church cushion.

That's, that's not even...

We haven't even got
to the good part.

And I ask you,

brothers and sisters in Christ,

to let one of our own
speak from her heart.

And lift your voices
to the steeple of this temple!

To the melted snowcaps

of Mount Sinai!

To the battered,

zero-gravity cubby holes

of the International
Space Station!

I give to you

a gift from God

the voice
of Miss Mercedes Jones!

♪ I've got to take
a little time ♪

♪ A little time ♪

♪ To think things over ♪

♪ I better read
between the lines ♪

♪ In case I need it ♪

♪ When I'm older... ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ In my life ♪
♪ In my life ♪

♪ There's been
heartache and pain ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ If I can face it again ♪

♪ Can't stop now ♪

♪ I've traveled so far ♪

♪ To change this lonely life ♪

♪ Ah... ♪
♪ Oh! ♪

♪ I want to know what love is ♪

♪ I want to know ♪

♪ I want you ♪
♪ To show me ♪

♪ To show me ♪

♪ I want to feel what love is ♪

♪ And I know, I know, oh, hey ♪

♪ I know you can show me ♪

♪ Let's talk about love ♪

♪ Love ♪
♪ I want to know ♪

♪ What love is ♪

♪ Love that you feel inside ♪

♪ I want you to show me ♪

♪ I want you to show me ♪

♪ I want to feel what love is ♪

♪ No, you just can't hide ♪

♪ I want you to show me ♪

♪ Show me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Love. ♪

All right!

I need everyone to pair up.

Half of you are Athenians,

the other half Spartans.

Athens shirts, Spartan skins.

Guess I'll be the Spartan.

Yeah, you will.

In high school I
did everything I could

not to take my shirt off
in front of other people.

Like, I don't think I showered
once after gym class.

Now, though, thanks to
a little more working out,

a little more protein,
my outside self

is catching up
to my inside self.

Okay, begin!

And I feel pretty
comfortable in my skin.

And that feels good.

I have to be mindful
of Blaine though.

New school, new city.

It's stressful.

He's being tested.

We, as a couple,
are being tested.

I can't let
my new confidence erode his.

So, I was thinking, you know,
as great as it is

to have the whole gang
back together again,

why don't you and I
have a date night?

You know, just the two of us.

Maybe dinner and a movie?

I would love that.

I'm working on dinner,
so you pick the movie.

All I ask is that it's
in color, in English,

and made after 1989.

What are you whipping up
in there?

Fettuccine in a cream sauce,

potato gratin and a molten
chocolate cake for dessert.

We can't eat all that.

I mean, it's just
a little heavy.

I hope you're not trying
to plump me up.

Since when are you manorexic?

I'm not, I'm just taking
better care of myself.

You know, as actors our bodies
are our instruments.

And my instrument is, um,
getting a little out of tune?

Is that where you're going
with this?

No, your instrument is
as handsome as ever.

I was just thinking maybe we

skip the fettuccine
and walk to the movies

and pick up a salad
at Pax on the way.


I guess this'll keep.

Great. I'll look up show times.

I hear there's a great new indie
playing at the Quad.

Um, Blaine?

Don't worry, I won't order
popcorn at the movie theater.

And by the way, I-I know

that I've been putting
on a few pounds.

No, no.
It's just this, um, very...

adult Web site

I-I just found on your computer.

I-I wasn't snooping.
Uh, it was just, it was open,

um, uh, uh, right there on the
window on the desktop. Uh...

well, I-I, it was just,

um, oh, uh...

How often are you on this?

You know?
I-I don't want to know.

Whatever you do on your computer
is-is-is your business.

But I-I-I just

I find it a little interesting
that we haven't been intimate

in-in, like a week,
and maybe this is why.

Wait, wait, Kurt,
l-l-let's talk about this.

No, I don't want
to talk about this!

She's so pretty.

I have to find out
who does her hair.

"Celebrity Beauty
Tips and Tricks."


Can I ask you something, um...?

It's a little personal.

Yeah, of course. What's up?

What was your first time like?

Oh, are you...
and Sam are thinking of...?

I mean, was... was it
like a... a big deal?

Was there, like,
a hotel and flowers?

'Cause I just... I feel like
I'm a little too old for that.

You know, it's not gonna be

romantic as if I were back
in high school,

and I don't need, like,
a big moment or anything,


as silly as it sounds,

I do want it to be... special.

No, I know I want at least that.

Well, my first time,

uh, it was just at his house.

And, um,

it was special because,

you know, it was with him,

and I loved him,
and he loved me.

I just...

I don't know
if I'm ready for this.

Look, I don't think
anyone can ever know,

like, how or if
they're ever gonna be ready.

I just think that in the moment,
when you're with that person,

you just feel like
you want to remember

being with them for forever,

and then, everything will just
fall into place.

Kind of wish
it was both of our first times,

'cause I just don't know
if I'm gonna be any good at it.

No, don't think like that.

Sam is a really good guy.

Okay, and if you feel
like it's right,

then, he will make you feel
like you're the only one.


Hey. We were supposed to meet
at the diner so we could walk

to class together. What happened?

Sorry. I got off early,
and I forgot to text you.

Gather up!
Okay, today is

stage weaponry, and, yes,
this is a real bo staff.

And, no, you will not be
using real blades yet.

Not until you can be trusted.

Remember... safety
first, safety last.

Safety always.

That's right.

You're still mad about
the Web site thing, aren't you?

No. God.

All right, everyone partner up

and start moving your way
through the weapon stations.

I really think we
should talk about this.

You know what, Blaine?

Sometimes I think
we talk too much.

♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-
oa-oa-oa ♪

♪ We are strong ♪

♪ No one can tell us
we're wrong ♪

♪ Searching our hearts
for so long ♪

♪ Both of us knowing... ♪

♪ Love is a battlefield ♪

♪ You're begging me to go,
then making me stay ♪

♪ Why do you hurt me so bad? ♪

♪ It would help me to know ♪

♪ Do I stand in your way? ♪

♪ Or am I the best thing
you've had? ♪

♪ But if we get much closer,
I could lose control ♪

♪ And if your heart surrenders ♪

♪ You'll need me to hold ♪

♪ We are young ♪

♪ We are young ♪

♪ Heartache to heartache,
we stand ♪

♪ No promises, no demands ♪

♪ Love is a battlefield ♪

♪ Oh-oh, whoa ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ We are strong ♪

♪ No one can tell us
we're wrong ♪

♪ Searching our hearts
for so long ♪

♪ Both of us knowing ♪

♪ Love is a battlefield. ♪

Oh, God!

What the hell, Kurt?!

- Blaine, are you okay?
- I'm fine.

You sure?
Safety first.

I said I'm fine.

Oh, my God, I love this place.

Well, can I get you two
lovebirds anything else?

Uh, yeah. What's the most
expensive dessert on the menu?


Uh, it's a diner, Sam.
I don't think

there's really anything
too expensive.

What about, uh, do you
guys have those milkshakes

with, like, little specks
of gold in 'em?

We do not.

Sam, you do not have any money.

I'm not gonna let you
pay for this meal.

Oh! Oh, look! There's Artie!
I'm gonna go say hi.

Don't touch him.

What? Why would I touch him?

Just don't touch him.

Hello...! Welcome
to the Spotlight Diner!

Julie, this is my friend,
Kurt. We went

to high school together.

Nice to meet you.

This place is so cool!
Totally worth

the 45 minute subway ride.

So, do you guys want a HPV
or herpes simplex two?


He asked if we want
a table or a booth.

Oh. HPV.

I mean, a table.

Follow me.

Look, Sam, I know
what you're doing.

We're on a date,
we had a really great night,

you tried to pay
for this delicious meal.

And what's wrong with that?

Nothing, as long
as you're not assuming

that this night is going
to end up a certain way.

Okay, I'm not assuming anything.

I'm just, I'm just trying
to treat my lady right.

You know, I don't do things
in exchange for anything.

I just, that's just my way
of saying I love you.


All right, what can
I get you two?

How about you, rolling STD?

Um, how's your Reuben?
It's okay,

but there is a lot of pus on it.

I'll have that.

Would you recommend the
wartburger with grilled scabies

or the fettuccine
in chlamydia sauce?

People love our wartburger,

but, um, I would go with
the chlamydia fettuccine.

It's my personal favorite thing
from the menu.

Oh, look!
It's someone's birthday!

Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap,
clap, clap, clap...

I'm sorry, Kurt,
can you give us a second?


Julie, I need
to tell you something.

I really, really like you.

And I don't want to ruin what
we have by moving too fast.

I think it would be better
for our relationship

if we agree not have sex
for the next seven to ten days.


um, that's sort of an insanely
weird thing to bring up.

I just really like you,
and I don't want to...

Yeah, I-I get it, but this
is a first date, right?

So this thing that "we have"

started a little less
than an hour ago.

Which means I myself
wasn't even really thinking

about sex, to be honest.

So, yeah, I think I'll be able
to wait an entire week.

Week to ten days.
Right. Not a problem.

Look, do you know how much
it means to me that

you're even considering this?

Look, I mean, I don't know

if our relationship is forever,

but I know that nothing's
ever felt

as real to me
as my love for you.

And if there's a way
for me to express

how I feel about you,

whether it's buying you dinner
or spending time with you

or having sex,
I-I want to do it.

♪ There's something
I want to tell you ♪

♪ There's something
I think that you should know ♪

♪ It's not that
I shouldn't really love you ♪

♪ Let's take it slow ♪

♪ Remember that special night ♪

♪ When all of the stars
were shining bright? ♪

♪ But on that very first night ♪

♪ It wasn't quite right ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Let's wait awhile ♪

♪ Before it's too late ♪

♪ Let's wait awhile ♪

♪ Our love will be great ♪

♪ Let's wait awhile ♪

♪ Before we go too far ♪

♪ I can never give up on you ♪

♪ Let's wait awhile ♪

♪ Awhile, before it's too late ♪

♪ You know you can't rush love ♪

♪ Oh-oh ♪

♪ Let's wait awhile ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Before it's too late ♪

♪ Let's wait awhile ♪

♪ Wait awhile ♪

♪ Our love will be great ♪

♪ Let's wait awhile ♪

♪ Before we go too far ♪

♪ Oh, whoo... ♪

♪ La-da-da-de, de-da-da-de ♪

♪ Da-da-da, da, da-da-da ♪

♪ La-da-da-de, de-da-da-de ♪

♪ Da-da-da, da, da-da-da ♪

♪ La-da-da-de, de-da-da-de ♪

♪ Before we go too far ♪

♪ Ah-ah, ah... ♪

♪ Let's wait awhile. ♪

Hey, remember the rules.

All my hands
are above the waist!

And and top of the clothes.

Have you ever heard of the term

"high, dry, and suffering"?

Have you ever heard
of the term,

"Hell to the no"?

Sit up. Come on.
Let's talk.

What's up?

Well, you know, everything
that you said to me, um,

in the diner,
it really meant a lot.

And I do believe that if
we were to take that step,

that it will be incredible
and special.

Well, you know, I've never been
like this with anybody before.

So, in a lot of ways,

it would be a first time
for me, too.

I went back to church
and I prayed about

all of this all over again.

And I need to wait, Sam.

Okay, um, I can, I can dig that.

How long? Like, um,
a couple weeks?

Until I'm married.

All right, hold on.

Okay, I-I love you,
but I don't think

I can get married
in a couple of weeks.

We haven't even
sent out invitations,

and that takes a long time.

I know that this

sounds old-fashioned,

but there's this special part
in my soul,

and it's the most secret
and vulnerable part,

and when I give that to a man,

I'll be completely exposed.

I can't just do that
with just anyone.

I'm not just anyone.

I need to know that
the man that I'm with

is gonna be there
for me forever.

I want him to be my husband

and I want him to open up to me

in the same way, too.

You know, maybe when I do it

I'll feel silly for making it
such a big deal,

but maybe I won't.

So you're saying it's just,

it's never gonna happen
unless we get married.

Well, yeah.

I mean, for now we'll just...

have to figure out
ways to feel close

that aren't physical.

Okay, so...

what's the difference in that

and just being
really good friends?

Okay? I...

I love you, Mercedes,

but, like, I'm also
a 19-year-old guy, and...

I want to be able
to do this for you.

But I-I can't.

Can I have some time
to think about it?

Yeah, sure.

Take your time.


Yeah, he's here.

Okay. Okay, bye.


That was Rachel.

She was just confirming us
for her opening night.

What'd you tell her?

I said, "Yeah, if we don't

"kill each other
in Combat Class,

count us in."

What happened in there?

You were really coming at me,

like-like... as if
you had something to prove.

What, I'm not sure.

That I'm as strong as you are.

Okay, but it's not a contest.

Isn't it, though?

On some level?

'Cause for the first time
in my life,

I really feel like I'm losing.

I've felt that way

ever since I got to New York.

I feel like...

we're in this race together

and you are just so much
farther than I am.

Like, it just feels
like the whole balance

has shifted.

What balance?

I guess it started when

we first met,
and you came to Dalton

because you were trying

to get away from Karofsky

and I wanted to help
you through that.

And you did.

And I loved the way that felt.

I loved, I loved being
able to protect you,

but now I look at your life

and... it's
completely different.

Y-You're a star at school,

y-you have all these
cool new friends,

you started this band
and I just...

I feel like you don't
need me anymore.

To protect or anything.

I mean, you asked me
to move out, for God's sake.

We made that decision together.

So-so is that what

all this stuff is about,
that's going on?

I mean, you trying
to get me to eat more?

I don't like the way

that I feel about myself
anymore, Kurt. Okay?

And you have this, like...

amazing new body.

Do you want to know why
we haven't been intimate?

It's because I feel
insecure around you.

I feel insecure
around my own fiancé,

And neither will I.


But I am not going to apologize

for not being some
delicate flower

that needs his boyfriend
to protect him.

And you know what?
Maybe you're right.

Maybe it is a contest.

Maybe that's the way
it has to be with two guys.

But I would much rather be
running this race with you

rather than against you.

Me, too. I just...

As equals.

I know, I know.

I-I know.

I know that, I'm sorry.

I'm just...

I'm just so scared
that you're gonna...

keep changing,

and you're gonna
keep getting stronger,

and then one day
you're gonna wake up

and you're gonna realize that
"I don't love him anymore."


I'm always gonna love you.

And I don't want
you to be insecure

or ashamed around me.

Next time you're going through
something like this,

you-you have to be
honest with me.


I need to talk to you.

Our date was weird, and
I wanted to apologize.

Yeah, it was weird.

You were all jumpy and nervous

and the sex conversation
was really bizarre.

Well, there was a reason
why I was acting so weird,

and it's difficult
to talk about,

but I need to be
completely honest.

I have chlamydia.

Are you serious?


And I'm not even sure
who I got it from.

What? You don't know?

Well, it was either Vanessa

from our Postwar
European Cinema class,

or Jessica from my

Contemporary Voices in
Venereal Horror Seminar.

Wait, you slept with them?

Artie, that's grosser
than the chlamydia.

Those girls are idiots.

Last term,

Vanessa made a short film

that consisted of
a single shot of her

eating a pile of dirt
for 45 minutes.

And Jessica had an endoscopy
for a stomach ulcer

and then entitled the footage
"Another Holocaust"

and submitted it to Sundance.

Look, I just wanted to be
completely honest with you...

Well, great.

Great, that you want to honest,

'cause honesty makes you see
who everyone really is,

and who you are

is not who I thought you were.

You're a creeper, Artie.


on totally skeeving me out.

Hey, Mercedes, it's Sam.

Yeah, I-I know.

Um, if you're calling
to break up with me,

just go ahead and say it
a-and just get it over with,

so we can figure out
how we're gonna be friends.

Hold up.

Blaine lit a bunch of candles.



I gotta cut this short.

My girlfriend,
uh, just arrived.

Oh, uh, don't worry.

I have a fire extinguisher handy
in case anything tips over.

Look, uh, I hope you don't
think I'm copying you,

but I also prayed about us.

I didn't go back
to that church,

'cause I didn't remember
where it was, but...

I prayed in the bathroom
and that's where it hit me.

sex is awesome.

It's like one of
the greatest things

that God ever invented.

But what's better
than sex? Um...

Horseback riding.

Um... skydiving,

And hearing you sing.

Look, I-I don't need

to think about this any more.

I... you know,
I've said this before,

but this time,
I really mean it.

I can... live without sex.

But I can't live without you.

Sam Evans...

You have no idea how nice it is

to have a real girlfriend
here to talk to.

I mean, Kurt pretends
to be one,

but it's not the same,

and Santana was just
a tad unpredictable.

Yeah, well, thanks
for the good advice

about the whole S-E-X thing.

Okay, my philosophy is that if

you can't even say the
word without spelling it,

then you're
definitely not ready.

Hey, I am not a prude.


I'm kind of a prude.

But you know, my heart is
my biggest erogenous zone.

I just... if I decide to do it,

I want it to be
the making love version,

not the bumping uglies version.

Well, Sam definitely loves you,

because I don't know
any other 19-year-old boy

who would say it's okay to wait

if he wasn't, like,
totally in love with you

and obsessed with you.

No, I know that he loves me now.

But it's easy to love
when it's new, you know, and...

if he can put up with
my crazy and my sass

for just a couple more weeks...

or even a couple of months...
who knows?

Well, I salute you.

And I have a very
good feeling about this

and I think Sam's a great guy.

I don't know, there was
like a minute there

where I thought something might
happen between he and I,

but it passed, thankfully.

Really? How come?

Well, besides the fact

that you two are
obviously soul mates.

Oh, my God, obviously.

No, I don't think
I actually liked him,

I think I just, like...

I don't know,
he reminded me of home

and he and Finn were very close

and I think I liked the fact

that he understood how I felt.


there's, like, not any guys

that you're interested in?

Like, um... none of
your cast members,

or that director?


This is closed for business.

Rachel, you know
you guys weren't dating

when it all went down, though.

No, come on,
we were always dating.

You know, even when we weren't.

We knew how it was gonna end.

Or, you know,
how it was supposed to.

I get that.

I think we all did.

But you're this amazing,
beautiful woman

about to go through the
greatest triumph in her life.

Hey, I'm not saying
that you need

to go out there and
fall in love, but...

let a dude, I don't know,
buy you dinner.

Tell you how hot you are.

I know. I should.

And I will.

It's just like...

you know, it's like a line

between your past
and your future and...

I mean, I'll draw it
when I'm ready.

It's like you and Sam.
You know, you weren't ready;

you just had to listen
to your heart

and you'll know when it's right.
I know, babe.

You're okay, though, right?

Like, I didn't push too hard,
did I?


Like I said, it's really great

having a girlfriend
here to talk to.

You know what?
It really is.

So how does that work, exactly?

Well, I have
to drink five pints

of hot coconut water every day,

with a little garlic salt,
some Splenda

and a splash of hot sauce.

Then you basically jog
until you hallucinate.

I got it off of
Matthew McConaughey's blog.

- That doesn't sound healthy.
- It's not.

What we're really doing
is just saying that, you know,

we're gonna start
eating healthier

and cooking healthier

and, uh, we started this new
ab class at the NYADA gym

and, uh, this is
kind of our way

of saying good-bye
to eating out for a while.

So thank you so much
for being here

on the start of
Blaine's cleanse.

Whoa, Artie...

You want to talk about it?
Talk about what?

Oh, my God,
that looks really delicious.

What you're burying
in your worry hole

with all that hot fudge
and nuts?

That girl Julie
still not talking to you?

She's not not talking to me,

it's just... I can see how she
sees me now, and it sucks.

I didn't think there'd
actually be a downside

to being a film school
player, but I was wrong.

And I'd paid the price.


Losing Julie.

And it was chlamydia.

I'm gonna give up the game.

For a little while, at least.

I mean, sex isn't
the be-all-end-all.

Well, it's like me
and Mercedes, you know?

Something's important, you can't
let sex get in the way of it.

Hey, you know what, guys?

We should do an all-guys
New York City Abstinence Club.


No way.
Definitely not.

That's not a good idea.


Mm... No Oscar
is worth that.