Glee (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 14 - New New York - full transcript

Mercedes, Sam, Artie, and Blaine are in New York.

So here's what you missed
on Glee.

The Glee club is officially over

because the New Directions
didn't win at Nationals.

And since Sue's principal and only
wants winning teams at McKinley,

she made good on her promise to cancel it.

Hold up.

Which means if Will wants to coach
a Glee club, he has to find a new job

and he's got a baby on the way!

- Oh, God, that's awful.
- Blaine got into NYADA,

Artie's at film school
in Brooklyn,

and Sam's not going to college,



but he's in New York to try
his luck at modeling.

So I'm going to skip college,
too, and become a male model.

Impossible. You're too fat.

And Santana and Brittany are
off on an extended vacation

on The Isle of Lesbos,
and Rachel's six months

into her dream of playing
Fanny Brice in Funny Girl

that's about to open on Broadway
real soon. It's exciting!

And that's what you missed
on Glee.

SIDNEY: Rachel, Rachel,
please, just a minute.

I'm-I'm sorry, Sidney,
I'm actually kind of late.

I have to go
and meet my friends.

Oh, that's not gonna
be a problem. Look,

I know this has been a couple
of very long months for you,

but you've been a trooper.



I mean, you know, having
to do the show on the road,

Santana quitting,

us having to re-stage
the entire play.

- I just wanted to say thank you.
- Thank you so much, Sidney.

No, no, no.
This is how I say thank you.

24/7, on call.

Is this for me?

Mm-hmm.

No more crowded subways
in New York for my star.

So...

Thank you.

Now, the only question is:

where would
Ms. Berry like to go?

(squeaks)

Ah. Go ahead.

(Petula Clark's "Downtown"
begins)

♪ When you're alone
and life is making you lonely ♪

♪ You can always go ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ When you've got worries ♪

♪ All the noise and the hurry ♪

♪ Seems to help, I know ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Just listen to the music
of the traffic in the city ♪

♪ Linger on the sidewalk where
the neon signs are pretty ♪

♪ How can you lose? ♪

♪ The lights
are much brighter there ♪

♪ You can forget
all your troubles ♪

♪ Forget all your cares so go ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Things will be great
when you're ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Everything's waiting for you ♪
♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Don't hang around and let
your problems surround you ♪

♪ There are movie shows ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Maybe you know
some little places to go to ♪

♪ Where they never close ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Just listen to the rhythm
of a gentle bossa nova ♪

♪ You'll be dancing with 'em,
too, before the night is over ♪

♪ Happy again ♪

♪ The lights
are much brighter there ♪

♪ You can forget
all your troubles ♪

♪ Forget all your cares so go ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Where all the lights
are bright ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ You're gonna be all right ♪

♪ Now ♪
♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Downtown... ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ And you may find
somebody kind ♪

♪ To help and understand you ♪

♪ Someone who is just like you
and needs a gentle hand to ♪

♪ Guide them along ♪

♪ So maybe I'll see you there ♪

♪ We can forget
all our troubles ♪

♪ Forget all our cares so go ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Things'll be great
when you're ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Don't wait a minute more ♪

♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Everything's waiting for you ♪
♪ Downtown ♪

♪ Downtown... ♪

(giggling)

(sighs)

I can call him any time of day,
he's amazing.

He doesn't even say a word.
It's like living

in a high-end coffee commercial
every day.

- Unbelievable.
- So, where we going for lunch?

Someplace cheap or free?

No, it is my treat and my ride.

You guys have been so great
and so emotionally supportive

of me during the entire
out of town Funny Girl run.

And for your move
back to the loft,

which you never carried
your own clothes or furniture.

It's heavy.

Come on, we're going.
We're gonna go the Odeon.

Okay, like, I've been
really good lately.

- Oh, you have.
- Everyone from Broadway goes.

And it's so cool! I don't know,
probably just like...

rather than getting
a side salad.

Can we pop the trunk?

- Trunk is full.
- Can I sit in the front then?

Full, too.

Well...

Oh, it's okay. Sam and I can
just meet you there. Right, Sam?

Are you sure?

I guess.

Thank you.

We'll order an appetizer.

(car engine starts)

What? No, I ca... I can't serve you

breakfast in bed
if you're not in bed.

It's been months.
You don't have to keep doing...

Oh, that does smell good.

Lemon blueberry pancakes.

And the Sunday Chronicle.

Wha...? It's not even Sunday!

They put the Arts
and Leisure section

and Style section on Wednesday.

You know me so well.

Is there anything
I can do to help?

You can check

if the coffee is steeped
enough to press.

I still can't believe it.

We're really doing it.

Living together.
Building a future together.

In Bushwick.
Did you ever imagine that?

It's actually way, way better.

Every morning I get
to wake up next to you.

I get to walk you to the subway.

Then walk you to class.

And most days I get
to have lunch with you.

And even after all
of that amazingness,

I get to come home to you.

And I get to curl up in bed with
you, get under the covers...

Meanwhile the Shahs of Sunset
are playing in the background.

Mm.

Wait, are we turning each other

into an old married couple?

On the contrary.

♪ You make me feel so young ♪

♪ You make me feel
like spring has sprung ♪

♪ Every time I see you grin ♪

♪ I'm such a happy individual ♪

♪ The moment that you speak ♪

♪ I want to run and play
hide-and-seek ♪

♪ I want to go
and bounce the moon ♪

♪ Just like a toy balloon ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ We're just
like a couple of tots ♪

♪ Running around a meadow ♪

♪ Picking up ♪

♪ All those forget-me-nots ♪

♪ You make me feel so young ♪

♪ You make me feel
there are songs to be sung ♪

♪ Bells to be rung, and
a wonderful fling to be flung ♪

♪ And even when
I'm old and gray ♪

♪ When I'm old and gray ♪

♪ I'm gonna feel the way I do ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ Because you make me ♪

♪ Feel so young ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Make me young ♪

♪ You make me young ♪

♪ You make me feel there are ♪

♪ Songs to be sung ♪

♪ Lots of bells to be rung ♪

♪ And a wonderful fling
to be flung ♪

♪ And even when
I'm old and gray ♪

♪ I'm gonna feel the way I do ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ Because you ♪

♪ Make me feel so ♪

♪ Man, I just feel so ♪

♪ You make me feel so ♪

♪ Young ♪

♪ So young... ♪

Dudes!

I just made it all the way
to the original Nathan's

at Coney Island,
now I kind of stink,

so I'm gonna shower.

Ooh, ice cream.

Good job.

(door opens)

Okay, I know Sam is your bestie,

but he said he'd only
be couch-surfing

- with us for a few weeks.
- I know.

It's been months, okay?

This apartment has
too many people in it.

You've got to talk to him.

I...

ARTIE:
New York, new Artie.

It was scary at first.

No space, no ramp van,
not cut-outs in the curbs.

(screams)
Hey, I'm rolling here!

Watch where you're going!

The city's alive,
always moving,

and I didn't know
if I'd be able to keep up.

But then I realized

I'm in a city
where everybody walks,

which actually puts me
at an advantage.

And as bonus, my biceps
aren't looking so bad,

thank you very much.

All of the cabdrivers
in New York

are required to take
wheelchairs,

and all the busses have lifts,

but real New Yorkers
take the subway.

There's romanticism about
the city beneath the city.

There's music,
there's people, there's life.

And at the end of the day,
that's what I came here for.

Hey-hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

I know, man. I'm sorry.

My laptop's in there!

Hey!

It's the only copy of my script!

(video game buzzing and beeping)

Bro, just completed Aqua
Park and Millennium Mines.

Now I'm ruling
Karts and Coasters.

RollerCoaster Tycoon.

It-it's amazing.

Sam, you've been sitting there

since I left this morning.

You-you've basically been
in that exact same spot

for months.

Yeah, well, Kurt's fancy
wire chairs hurt my back,

so this thing's the only thing
that's comfortable.

Look...

Uh, Kurt and I were talking.

- And, um, we just...
- You want me to move out.

I knew it. You know what?

Santana got
to stay here forever.

We don't want you to move,

per se, although it isn't

the worst idea I've ever heard.

We're just,

we're worried about you, man.

We know that work has been slow.

Try nonexistent, okay?

I've had
zero modeling auditions.

Zero.

I can't even get my
agent on the phone.

I just get
her lazy assistant Pam

who's like well, maybe
I should cut my hair

because I look
like a dirty hippie.

Well, maybe you should.

But I like it.

Okay, besides Mr. Shue said

that we shouldn't care
what people think.

We should just be ourselves.

What a load of crap, huh?

Well, Mr. Shue also said...

we should face our fears.

Remember that one?
So...

Buddy, I know this
is frustrating...

Maybe I just shouldn't
even be here, okay?

I hate New York, okay?

It's crowded, it's loud,

it smells like garbage

and everybody here is basically
paid to be rude to you.

Sometimes,

it's just easier
if you stay inside.

All right.

Get up. Get up.

I-I don't want to watch you
waste away in here

when there is so
much to do out there.

Put on a clean shirt.

That's got, like,
five kinds of stains on it.

Come on, follow me.

We're going outside.

- Come on!
- (sighs)

(American Authors'
"Best Day of My Life" begins)

♪ I had a dream
so big and loud ♪

♪ I jumped so high
I touched the clouds ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I stretched my hands
out to the sky ♪

♪ We danced with monsters
through the night ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm never gonna look back ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ I'm never gonna give it up ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Just don't wake me now ♪

♪ Ooh, oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh ♪

♪ This is gonna be
the best day of my life ♪

♪ My li-i-i-i-ife ♪

♪ Ooh, oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh ♪

♪ This is gonna be
the best day of my life ♪

♪ My li-i-i-i-ife ♪

♪ I hear it calling ♪

♪ Outside my window ♪

♪ I feel it in my soul ♪

♪ Soul ♪

♪ The stars were
burning so bright ♪

♪ The sun was out
till midnight ♪

♪ I say we lose control ♪

♪ Control ♪

♪ Ooh, oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh ♪

♪ This is gonna be
the best day of my life ♪

♪ My li-i-i-i-ife ♪

♪ Ooh, oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh ♪

♪ This is gonna be
the best day of my life ♪

♪ My li-i-i-i-ife ♪

♪ This is gonna be,
this is gonna be ♪

♪ This is gonna be ♪

♪ It's gonna be
the best day of my life ♪

♪ Everything is looking up,
everybody up now ♪

♪ Ooh, oh-oh-oh-oh, ooh ♪

♪ This is gonna be
the best day of my life ♪

♪ My li-i-i-i-ife. ♪

(cheering)

Hey, if you can sing in
the middle of Times Square,

you can pretty much
do anything.

I think it's time for you
to conquer this city.

I don't know why
they call it Times Square.

I don't see any clocks.

♪ ♪

(French accent):
Every art has its instrument.

The violinist

has his violin.

The sculptor...

has his stone.

And the mime...

has his body.

Let us begin our work today
with the mime's

most heartbreaking expression

of his accursed, silent ennui:

the pulling of
the invisible rope

attached to something heavy.

♪ ♪

Psst.

Psst.

What are you doing here?

This is a winter master class

taught by Marcel Marceau's
illegitimate son Alain.

You're-you're a freshman.

I got special permission
from Madame Tibideaux.

Turns out I'm in six
out of eight of your classes.

How is that even possible?

Stop talking!

And now we will move on

to the mime's most
tragic expression

of the pointlessness
of man's existence.

We are walking down the street,

without a worry,
a care in the world,

and suddenly we begin to notice

that we are walking in place

but we are not going anywhere.

Have you asked Sam
to move out yet?

We haven't had
a moment to ourselves.

And now,

we will stop to pick a flower.

And in front of your eyes,

the flower dies.

(whispering):
Hey.

Are you sure it's not me
who's crowding you?

No, why would you say that?

Good.

I was really worried
I was suffocating you.

So maybe after this,
we can get lunch?

'Cause then we have Theatre
History class together

and Auditioning for the
Camera class together...

And now, you are trapped

with the person next to you
in a box.

At first, the box

seems big enough
for the two of you.

But then, the box
begins to shrink.

The box where you live

because that is all
a mime can afford.

Getting smaller and smaller...

and smaller... and smaller...

and smaller.

(bell jingles)

SAM:
It's that time.

Time for change.
Reinvention.

Rebirth.
That's what NYC is all about.

Okay, maybe that's
a little dramatic,

but don't kid yourself:

getting a haircut
is a big deal.

Normally, I wouldn't
take style advice

from helmet-haired,
bow-tie-loving Blaine,

but he really helped me
see the light.

Or, in this case, the scissors.

Yeah, I'll miss rocking
the bronytail, but you know,

I need to jumpstart
this modeling operation,

shake things up.

Time for new headshots,

new portfolio,

new attitude.

Because if there's
one thing I've learned,

you can't just sit around
waiting for the good things

in life to come to you.

You need to kick down some
doors and make them happen.

This is Sam Evans
like we've never seen before.

Here I come, New York City.

I'm so close to owning this town

I can practically taste it.

Yeah, that computer cost
over 1,000 bucks.

My-my credit card was in there,
my phone...

Tell him that
he was on crutches.

And...

Yeah.

Thanks so much for your help.

That's it? Any leads?
(hissing)

Blaine, do you have to

use the SodaStream machine
right now?

Artie's in a very fragile state.
(soda hisses)

I'm sorry about him.
He just needs his bubbles.

Hey, guys. BLAINE: Hey, Rachel.

Do you want a homemade

sparkling, sugar-free soda?

RACHEL:
Oh, no thanks.

The carbonation's

bad for my vocal cords.

But (clears throat)
you know what I will take?

Just some, like, hot water

with, like, a little lemon...

Thank you so much.

Rachel, you missed it.

Artie was mugged in the subway,

and now it's like an episode
of SVU over here.

- What?
- ARTIE: Except for not at all.

- I wasn't touched, I was robbed.
- Oh, my God.

- Are you okay?
- No. Not really.

I don't know what I'm gonna do
about replacing that computer,

I need a new school ID,
and to be honest,

I don't if I'm gonna feel safe
going in the subway anymore.

I just felt so vulnerable
and I don't...

I don't know... alone.

(hissing)
Blaine, I'm gonna throw

that machine out the window.

I am so sorry,

but I know exactly
how you feel, okay?

When I first moved to New York,

I gave this homeless
person ten dollars

when I just meant
to give him one,

and then when I
asked for it back,

everyone hissed and
they booed at me,

and I felt so violated
and vulnerable.

Oh, wait.
So you were out nine dollars?

But look, the next day

I just got right
back on that subway,

because overcoming
experiences like that

is what makes you
a real New Yorker.

BLAINE:
Your beverage, milady.

Oh, are those Meyer lemons?

No, I can't have that.

ARTIE:
You know what, Rachel?

Don't lecture me

about being a real New Yorker

with your lemon water
and your chauffeured limousine.

You're not even a
real person anymore.

Now, if you'll just excuse me,

I have to go figure out how
to put my life back together.

It's a town car,
not a limousine.

(hissing)

It's a town car.

Okay?

A town car.

So I found this song
by A Great Big World

that would be perfect
for our band.

It's got a nice pop feel to it

without being
totally saccharine...

and you're not listening
to a word I'm saying.

I'm sorry.

I-I didn't get
any sleep last night.

Ooh, lucky you.

It's not like that.
(laughs)

Blaine bought a couch
off the back of a truck,

because apparently
the furniture

I carefully chose
from Chelsea's finest

flea markets
isn't that comfortable.

It was a mid-century knockoff,

so I gave him
an "A" for effort,

but as soon as I lifted up
one of the cushions,

I saw that the entire couch
was riddled with...

(screaming) Bedbugs!

So we spent the entire night
disinfecting everything,

taking Silkwood showers,

and disinfecting
everything again.

(shudders)

And I know what I'm about to say

sounds like a bad Bravo show,

but I'm starting to
think that that couch

was an omen of
our relationship.

Seemingly fine from the outside,

but headed for certain disaster.

- Hmm.
- Does that sound crazy?

Absolutely.

Well, it's not just the couch.

I'm starting to
feel claustrophobic.

I mean, I wake up
next to Blaine,

I-I go to school
with Blaine,

I come home to Blaine. (laughs)

I feel like I'm starting
to lose my identity.

(sighs)

Okay, well, stop me if
you don't want my opinion.

Okay, when I first heard
you were engaged,

I thought, "Hmm-mm.
Big mistake.

Too young."

But you know what?
Seeing you guys together,

I think that what
you have is real

and worth fighting for
and I'm super jealous.

Still, though,

everyone needs time alone.

It's healthy.

So just set some boundaries.

But don't forget
to rehearse with your band.

♪ There's a girl
in the backyard ♪

♪ Banging on her drum ♪

♪ Sitting in a junk pile ♪

♪ Laughing at the sun, singing ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah,
I just want to be a rock star ♪

♪ There's a boy
thinking of her ♪

♪ Playing his guitar ♪

♪ Searching for the answer ♪

♪ Buried in his heart ♪

♪ Singing ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Is there anybody out there? ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Singing ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Is there anybody out there? ♪

♪ If there's a meaning,
can you show me a sign? ♪

♪ The more I look
it just gets harder to find ♪

♪ The world is spinning
and I want to know why ♪

♪ And maybe we will
never figure it out ♪

♪ I got a feeling
that's what life's all about ♪

♪ I'm learning anything
is possible now ♪

(cheering)

♪ Ooh, ooh ooh ♪

♪ Take a ticket
and get off the line ♪

♪ Let's take a ticket
and get off the line ♪

♪ Singing ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ Ticket and get off the line ♪

♪ I was born
to be a rock star ♪

♪ Ticket and get off the line ♪

♪ Singing ah, ah, ah ♪
♪ Ticket and get off the line ♪

♪ I just want
to be a rock star ♪

♪ Ticket and get off the line ♪

♪ I was born
to be a rock star ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I was born to be a rock star ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

(whooping, applauding)

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ I was born to be
a rock star. ♪

(cheering, whistling)

Miss Berry, no worries about
the garment bags in the back.

I make sure they lie flat.

Okay, great.
Thank you.

Look at me. I'm sealed up
in this mini Popemobile,

glassed off from the masses.

I feel nothing in here.

The only air I breathe smells
like pine tree air freshener

and Mennen Speed Stick.

The only danger and risk
in here is a paper cut

on the trades
in my seatback pocket.

Artie's right, I am isolated.

Rapunzeled away
and barely out of my teens.

Fanny Brice's father was
a bartender down here

on the Bowery,
and I still haven't schlepped

to an opening
at the New Museum.

Dmitri, where are we right now?

Uh, we're now crossing
into Chinatown.

What am I doing?

Who am I turning into?

I'm losing my authenticity.

How am I gonna be one
of the great Broadway actors,

which was my lifelong dream,

if I don't have any real-life
experiences to pull from?

Stop the car!

Um, sorry, I'm actually just
gonna get out right here.

I'm gonna get a cup of really
strong black tea

and then maybe stop
at that herbalist

and get some stuff

that the kids in Ohio
have never tasted before.

♪ ♪

(car horn honks)

BLAINE: What better way to say
"Sorry for bringing bedbugs

into the house", than by
pre-planning the design

of a much-needed loft
workspace.

I can't stand seeing
such a prime piece

of the floor plan go to waste.

As much as Kurt is feeling
anxiety about being crowded,

I'm still feeling as if I'm
living in someone else's home.

If I'm gonna be here
for a while,

then just like Pippin,

I'm gonna find my very own
corner of the sky.

Kurt's done a marvelous job
creating an atmosphere

of the quintessential
New York living experience,

but let's be honest,
it's not entirely functional.

Kurt's gonna love this.

Okay, is that one of those
outlines that the police use?

Did somebody die in here?

Sam, this in no way resembles
the shape of a person.

So...?

So, no, no one died in here.

What did you do to your hair?!

Oh, well, thanks to you,
I-I-I got it cut.

And then bursting
with my newfound

New York City confidence,

I went out and I booked
my first modeling job!

- What?!
- Yeah!

- That's amazing!
- I know!

Congratulations, man!
What's it for?

Bubble!

Okay.

Booty-contouring underwear
for men.

Thanks to Bubble, men can now
have that sexy,

round, onion booty
that they've always dreamed of.

I didn't even know
there was a market for that,

but that is great.

And I got you a free pair!

Oh, thank you. I, um,
can't wait to show Kurt.

The good news keeps
coming, my brother. I...

am moving out.

Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa.
You're-you're moving?

- Where you going to?
- Well, the agency's

putting me up in an apartment
with a bunch of other models.

I'm stoked.
My own place, sort of,

and you know, I'm not gonna be

taking up any more room
on the couch.

Well, you're gonna visit us,
right?

Um, yeah, if I have time,
you know.

But I-I-I might be traveling
to Paris and Milan

every week. Who knows?

I'm gonna pack everything up.

Yeah.

Hey! Oh, did you hear
Sam just got a job?

What are you doing?

Uh, this is, uh, something

I thought would make
a really great office area.

Back away from the lamp, okay?!
When someone enters

their sanctuary, they don't want
their eyes immediately drawn

to a hideous workspace!

I'm not done yet.

This isn't McKinley.
You can't just barge in here

and do whatever you want,
whenever you want, all right?

You could've at least
consulted me

before making design decisions
in my home!

I thought that this was supposed
to be our home, Kurt.

And believe it or not, not
every single design decision

you make is brilliant.
This whole privacy-

curtains-between-the-bedrooms
thing is stupid. Come on.

We can hear every single noise
our roomies make at night,

and God knows
what they hear from us.

You know what?
Elliott was right,

we're losing our boundaries.

I'm sorry, Elliott?
What-What does Elliot have

to do with any of this?

We were talking.

I bet you were talking.

He's my friend.

I bet he's your friend.

Calm down, psycho, all right?

And stop being so pouty
and weird. It's annoying.

All right, let's just be
adults and put everything back

where it's supposed to go.

Okay, I got an idea.
Why don't you put it back

where it's supposed to go
because it's your apartment!

Fine! I will!

Hey, move it, kid!

- (knocking)
- Who is it?

It's Blaine.

Hey, I...

Are you okay?

Oh... (chuckles)

Oh, God, you're not trying

to move in here, are you?

No, I'm not. We need to talk.
I don't have

your number and
I don't have your e-mail

and we're not friend on Facebook
because I made it a point

of waiting for you to friend me,
which you never did, by the way.

So here I am
face-to-face.

I just want to hear you
admit it.

Admit what?

That you're trying to steal Kurt
away from me, Starchild Gilbert!

What?!
What are you talking about?

Please, I was on to you
the second I saw

that weird cinnamon roll selfie
you took months ago.

You guys posted that.
Remember that?

I get to New York
and all of a sudden

it's "Elliott thinks this"
and "Elliott thinks that"

and "Elliott's hair
is so full and thick

that he doesn't have
to rely on hair gel."

Well, I may not be a cool
steampunk, glitter-rock vampire

with, like, tats and guyliner,

but you know what?
I love Kurt. I love him!

He's my fiancé, not
yours, so back off!

Okay, are... are you done?

Take this.

- What?
- Yeah, it's, uh, it's like a body pillow.

It think it's
gonna calm you down.

Take a seat.

Look, Blaine,
I'm not after Kurt.

We're just friends. Don't get
me wrong, I mean, he's a,

he's a cute guy, but I don't
think of him that way.

And even if I did,
Kurt loves you.

I mean, he-he doesn't
shut up about you, actually.

Like, ever.

I'm sorry. I don't know
what's going on with me.

It's just, we've been apart
for so long,

and now that I'm finally here,
I just want to catch up to him,

I just want to make it real.

And the more I try...

The more it pushes him away?

Well, maybe you should
stop trying.

I mean, look, New York
is a really crowded place,

and people need a little more
room to breathe here than usual.

You're right.

I guess I always think
of boundaries as walls

instead of places to grow in.

I'm so sorry. I-I should go.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You just got here.

You want to just hang out
for a minute?

Um...

I mean, you've obviously
come to jam.

Um... you gave me this.

"Glitter-rock vampire," huh?

I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry.

I like that.
I-I... I can work with that.

- Okay, okay, all right.
- Come on. Give me some blues.

Give me some Southern...

Come on.

Uh... um... gli...

♪ Glitter-rock vampire ♪

♪ Gonna bite ya ♪

♪ Gonna bite ya ♪

♪ Gonna bite ya. ♪

Hey.

I got your text.

Why did her Royal Highness
summon a commoner like me?

Okay, that was a little rude,
but I know I had it coming.

Look, I had an epiphany, and you
were right, okay? About everything.

I don't want to be
sheltered from the world,

I want to live in it.
So let's go.

I have rehearsal and you have class.
Let's take the subway.

- No, I can't.
- No, together.

Look, I know that you're
a little shaken up

about what happened, but trust
me, but I took Krav Maga

as a child at the JCC,
and I can protect you.

(sighs)

So what about the limo?

Town car. And
I gave it up.

I told my producers I'd
be in a much better place

if I rode the subway
with my friend every day.

- Every day?
- Well, if you'll have me.

Look, I will make you a deal.

I'll ride the subway
with you and make sure

that you don't get mugged again

if you give me a tongue-
lashing if I lose my way.

I can do that.

I'm really happy that
you're in New York.

The city is a much less
scarier place with a friend.

And I'm really happy you dragged
me back down here, because...

I really do love it.

(Petula Clark's "Don't Sleep
in the Subway" begins)

♪ You wander around ♪

♪ On your own little cloud ♪

♪ When you don't see the why ♪

♪ Or the wherefore ♪

♪ Ooh, you walk out on me ♪

♪ When we both disagree ♪

♪ 'Cause to reason is ♪

♪ Not what you care for ♪

♪ Good-bye means nothing ♪

♪ When it's all for show ♪

♪ So why pretend ♪

♪ You've somewhere else to go ♪

♪ Don't sleep
in the subway, darlin' ♪

♪ Don't stand
in the pouring rain ♪

♪ Don't sleep
in the subway, darlin' ♪

♪ The night is long ♪

♪ Forget your foolish pride,
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ Now you're beside me again ♪

(People cheering, whooping)

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Don't sleep in the subway ♪
♪ Darlin' ♪

♪ Don't stand
in the pouring rain ♪

♪ Don't sleep
in the subway, darlin' ♪

♪ The night is long ♪

♪ Forget your foolish pride,
nothing's wrong ♪

♪ And you're beside me again. ♪

I think there's like a dozen models
living in here,

but people take off for weeks
at a time on photo shoots,

so it never gets too crowded.

The rooms are kind of small.

Oh, that's okay;
I've been homeless.

That's cool, man.

I envy your realness.

Listen, I got to do this
paid webcam thing in my room,

but if you have any
other questions,

just ask your roommate Sam.

Wait, my roommate's name is Sam?

Okay, this couldn't get
any cooler.

- I'm sorry.
- Hi.

I'm Sam.

What?

- Hey.
- Hi.

So you went to see Elliot.

I did.

He's a good guy.

He's a good friend to you.

He's one of
the only real friends

I've made since I came here.

He texted me as soon
as you left his apartment.

Six hours ago.

So I guess
I've just been wondering

where you've been.

Well, I, um...

I actually took a water taxi

to the Statue of Liberty.

Just needed some space
so I could think.

I went to the High Line
to do the same.

Well, then can I go first?

I think I should move out.

I'm not sure that's what I want.

Me neither, but I think...

we need to take a step back

for a second together and...

just look at the situation

honestly.

It's not working out.

After graduation, I just...

moved in and we didn't have
a conversation about it.

We never weighed
the pros and cons.

We never really discussed

if this was
the absolute best thing

for our relationship.

We just wanted to be us.
Together.

And-and we are together.

We are so together,

but I just think that maybe...

living together

in less
than ideal circumstances...

Maybe we don't need
that pressure right now.

I mean, it's such
a scary decision to make.

I-I just, I feel like I-I...

I know, I know.

It is scary,

but I think it's
a little less scary if...

we make the decision together.

We can't go backwards.

We're not going backwards.

I think we're...

being smart.

By protecting something
that is very precious to me.

You know that, right?

Of course I know that.
Of course.

Always. I know.

And no matter who we become,

even if we do need alone time...

which is completely valid...

we'll always belong
to each other.

(sighs)

And even though
this-this wasn't a fight,

this was just, you know,
a grown-up, adult conversation...

you know, we are now

going to have
the hottest makeup sex ever.

Okay.

(in high-pitched voice): It never hurts
to sing when you're going on a casting.

You do the best impressions!

That's so Kathy Ireland.

Huh.

Okay, now do Gisele.

No, I should probably, uh... I
should probably get some sleep.

I-I got a big follow-up photo
shoot with, uh, Bubble tomorrow.

The wonderbutt undies?

Oh, my God, Sam!

Congratulations. That's great.

- Thanks.
- Okay, well, look,

use these.

I swear by it.

It keeps your body
from retaining any water.

I have Adderall if you want.

Oh, if you have trouble
sleeping, Marla has Ambien.

I prefer Lunesta.

My schedule's been
so cray lately.

But don't take
whatever Gavin has.

He says it's clenbuterol,

but I swear
it's like pig tranquilizers.

Sorry. I got to go.

(clears his throat)

You don't have anything
for anxiety, do you?

I don't, uh... don't think
I can stay here.

I hate everything.

(door opens) Sam?

(door closes)

(laughter) RACHEL:
Oh, my God, you guys

are not gonna believe what
happened to me and Artie today.

- Sam? - ARTIE: Sam, come here.
Listen to this.

I know this is going to sound

like one of those crazy
New York stories,

and I wouldn't believe it myself

if it hadn't just happened,
but I swear...

- Just tell us.
- Okay, right.

So, Rachel and I
were riding the L-Train.

Take a little nap right now.

- Oh, my God, it's him.
- Who?

The guy who mugged me.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

Shut up.

Okay, so then, we see this guy,

and he's, like, inching
towards this super sweet,

elegant, elderly-looking
lady, who'd obviously,

like, had a little
bit of work done,

but it was very tasteful. Just,
like, right around her eyes.

And this guy was eyeing
her gorgeous Hermès Birkin bag.

And then...

- It's pepper spray.
- Let me do it.

Go! Be careful.

I cut him off and sprayed him
right in the eye.

God, I felt so vindicated.

RACHEL:
It was amazing.

And when we got off the subway,

we found out that this
guy got arrested, and

it turns out that
he's, like, a mugger,

slash, hoarder, so all this
stuff was just at his apartment.

Yeah, and the cops
found my laptop!

- It's amazing.
- Great.

You're like a real
life Professor X.

Yeah.
It's so great.

That was pretty amazing.

BLAINE:
Well, Kurt and I

have had a bit of a big day
ourselves, actually.

Well, it wasn't
as dramatic as that.

Well, it-it was...
it was pretty dramatic.

Um, we decided
that I'm going to move out.

- Shut up!
- Really?

Don't worry.
We're not breaking up.

Oh, no, no, no, far from it.

We actually think this is gonna
strengthen our relationship.

Yeah, I said
he needs to discover the city

the same way I got to.

You know,
find his favorite neighborhood,

find his favorite pizza place.

You know, have
some time and space

to explore and grow
and find out who he is here.

BLAINE: And to that
end, my first thought

is that I'm a guy
that wouldn't mind crashing

on Sam's couch
in his new apartment.

I actually... I actually don't
have a new apartment anymore.

Um, I moved out.

That place... it
wasn't it for me.

I'm not saying I'm giving up
my dream of being a model.

I still want that

more than ever.

I just... I want to
do it the right way

with, you know, no puking,
pills and eating cotton balls.

BLAINE:
Well, that's good.

Maybe we can find
a place together.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Up top?
- Yeah.

- Guess who's taking over New York?
- (Kurt gasps)

- What?! - I mean, this day
couldn't get any better.

It could not get any better.

- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I missed you guys.

Okay, that's it.
You're never leaving now.

Just ring it a little bit
to the right. Oh, my gosh, this

apartment is so cute. I'm so
happy that Mercedes is here.

Well, technically,
she's not here,

which is why
we're doing all the work.

And where is she?

BLAINE:
She's inside

with Sam... alone.

Oh, dear God.

I mean, you know, L.A.'s okay

if you like sunshine
all the time, which I don't.

- Yeah.
- It makes me squint.

Then I got to thinking
about all of you guys

and all the fun that
you must be having.

And I ain't ashamed to say it.

Got a little lonely out there.

I missed you.
Well, I miss everyone.

- Even Rachel? - (laughing):
Yes, even Rachel.

That girl...
she keeps my head in the game.

So I told the producers
that my album

needed an East Coast, Harlem,
bebop, uptown kind of vibe.

(laughs)

You know, I don't have any idea
what that means, but

the suckers bought it.

I love the Harlem bebop.
(laughs)

So here I am.

Two bedrooms and a refrigerator.

That's so cool.
It's crazy.

So, uh, what are you gonna...

what are you gonna do
with the other room?

Oh, well, you know,
I was thinking

of storing my hair
for my weaves in there.

But then I got to thinking,

maybe I should rent it out

to a couple of nerds I
knew back in high school.

You know, but Blaine
and I need a place,

so, you could just,
you know, rent to us.

- Oh, you were talking about us.
- Yes, I was.

Well, listen, that's great. That's amazing.
I heard that. Yeah.

Yeah. Ah.

(clears throat)
Uh, what are we, uh...?

But what are we gonna do about
the... our sexual chemistry?

'Cause it's...

Uh-uh. No. Been there,
done that. No, Sam.

Okay, yeah, just friends,
just friends.

Yeah. This looks
good, though.

All right, fine.
Yeah, just friends.

- That's a good call. That's
a good call. - Mm-hmm.

Just, uh...

I will bite your wax lips off.

Listen, we play by my
rules, or not at all.

Okay?

Oh, yeah.

Can you tighten that up?

It's a little loose.

Some people just don't
know how to screw things.

Come on.

I really wish
I could be helping you guys.

Oh, don't worry about it,
Artie. We know you would help.

Rachel, on the other
hand... I don't know.

What? I'm texting
my publicist.

(singsongy): That was a
joke, but I do have to go!

We're doing sound and mic
checks now at the theatre.

Are we still on
for dinner tonight

for our annual Monday night

because-it's-my-only-night-off
dinner?

Let's do a potluck,
'cause I'm not cooking

- for everybody.
- Okay. I'm so excited.

This is going to be
a great new tradition!

I'm gonna go and get pies
now for everyone.

Taxi!

Taxi! Hey!

God, I love her style.

God, I need a break.

(laughs)

(Barbra Streisand's
"People" begins)

♪ People ♪

♪ People who need people ♪

♪ Are the luckiest people ♪

♪ In the world ♪

♪ We're children ♪

♪ Needing other children ♪

♪ And yet letting
our grown-up pride ♪

♪ Hide all the need inside ♪

♪ Acting more like children ♪

♪ Than children ♪

♪ Lovers ♪

♪ Are very special people ♪

♪ They're the luckiest people ♪

♪ In the world ♪

♪ With one person ♪

♪ One very special person ♪

♪ A feeling deep in your soul ♪

♪ Says you were half,
now you're whole ♪

♪ No more hunger and thirst ♪

♪ But first be a person
who needs people ♪

♪ People who need people ♪

♪ Are the luckiest people... ♪

♪ In the world... ♪