Glee (2009–2015): Season 5, Episode 12 - 100 - full transcript
The glee club members are saying goodbye to each other when two old guests come and attempt to the save club.
Don't get me wrong.
I know this is a sad day
for McKinley
and that we've come back
to reflect on everything
the glee club has meant to us.
But still, I figured they'd
at least put up a poster saying
"Welcome back, Mercedes."
I mean, look, no confetti.
No red carpet
even though I called.
I'm the biggest Broadway Star I'm
the biggest recording artist
this school's ever produced!
- What the hell?!
- What happened?!
- I would be so excited.
- I'm excited.
- Are you nervous?
- I mean, like, a little.
Of course she is!
- It's your Broadway debut!
- I know!
Oh, my God.
I can't wait
for that album to drop.
Thank you.
I mean, come on. She
wrote a couple of songs.
Big whoop.
So what? She got cast
in a play
as an annoying Jewish girl.
What a surprise.
There's only one way
to assert
my God-given superiority.
Sit front and
center in the Rachel chair.
Greet each other.
Hello, Rachel.
I am so happy to hear
about all of your success.
Oh, thank you so much, Mercedes.
And you are looking well.
Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll make my way
to the back of the bus.
100 lessons.
Hey, can I get Finn's plaque
when we clear this place out?
No, the plaque stays here.
Lillian and Finn
belong here at McKinley.
It means so much to me
that so many of you came
back on such short notice
to celebrate the
past few years.
To sit in this room
one last time
and sing.
Your assignment is to sing
one of the songs
we sang in here,
but reinvented in some way.
Way back in the old days
when I started the glee club,
I would give an assignment,
and then I would...
I would give
a little demonstration
of what I was looking for.
Yeah!
See, you all cheer now,
but just wait
till he starts rapping.
Okay, no hip-hop today, Santana.
However, I have asked a very
special person to come join me.
And it seemed appropriate
since her contributions
helped save the glee club,
or at least the auditorium
way back when.
Please welcome, all the
way from Broadway,
Miss April Rhodes!
Hey, y'all!
You know, she once taught
me how to shoplift meat
- in my vagina.
- Ew.
Right?
So, Mr. Moneybags says
to me, he says,
"April Rhodes,
you sing like an angel
"and make love like a tiger.
"But the old ball and chain's
got your number.
So I'm afraid
I gots to set you loose."
So, you know what he did?
He bought me an island!
That's right.
I own my own island
in the Caribbean called
Santa Abrilrodeo.
It's not war-torn
or filled with landslides
or got destitute locals in it.
Just me
and my manservant Kadeem.
With long, sensuous nights
full of home-brewed poi
and intimate massage...
Okay, thank you, April,
for that...
wonderful lesson
in female empowerment.
Amen!
Amen, but...
why are we all holding
these plastic champagne flutes?
'Cause we are about to pop
the cork with some bubbly.
But don't worry,
this Spumante is virgin.
Probably like you will be
for a long time.
Anyways...
Will and I want you
to raise your glass
to celebrate the
glee club by singing
hands down the best song
New Directions! ever did.
Wait a second, the New
Directions! never sang
"Raise Your Glass."
The Warblers did that.
I was wondering
why it didn't annoy me
every time I heard it
in my head.
I always have had
a soft spot in my heart
for you prep school boys.
Well...
Honk!
Hit it, boys.
♪ Right, right,
turn off the lights ♪
♪ We're gonna lose
our minds tonight ♪
♪ What's the deal, yo? ♪
Yeah!
♪ I love when it's
all too much ♪
♪ 5:00 a.m. turn the radio up ♪
♪ Where's the rock and roll? ♪
♪ Nar-na-nar-na-nar-nar, whoa! ♪
♪ Party crasher,
panty snatcher ♪
♪ Call me up
if you're a gangsta ♪
Yeah!
♪ Don't be fancy ♪
♪ Just get dancing ♪
♪ Why so serious? ♪
♪ So raise your glass
if you are wrong ♪
♪ In all the right ways ♪
♪ All my underdogs ♪
♪ We will never be,
never be anything but loud ♪
♪ And nitty gritty
dirty little freaks ♪
♪ Won't you come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ Just come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ Won't you come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ Just come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
Oh, no.
My glass is empty.
That sucks.
♪ So if you're
too school for cool ♪
♪ And you're treated
like a fool ♪
♪ Treated like a fool ♪
♪ You can choose to let it go ♪
♪ Choose to let it go ♪
♪ We can always, we can always ♪
♪ Party on our own ♪
♪ So raise your ♪
♪ So raise your glass ♪
♪ If you are wrong ♪
♪ In all the right ways ♪
♪ All my underdogs ♪
♪ We will never be,
never be anything but loud ♪
♪ And nitty gritty ♪
♪ And nitty gritty
dirty little freaks ♪
♪ Won't you come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ Just come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ Won't you come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ For me ♪ Just come on and
come on and raise your glass ♪
♪ For me. ♪
I was The Saw.
That's what they called me.
I sliced through this school
like, well, like a saw.
Dude got in my way?
Sawed him.
Set my sights on a chick?
Sawed her.
It would've been like a horror
movie if I wasn't so awesome.
But that guy's gone now.
I have a purpose.
To defend our great country
with my superior airpower.
I don't look back.
The past is dead to me.
Except for maybe
just one thing.
Hey, Puck.
Hey.
So, uh, have you noticed
how hot I look in my uniform?
It does look a little bit itchy.
Are you serious or...?
I'm just kidding.
You look really handsome.
It's not just
the uniform, either.
You've got this newfound
confidence about you.
So, um,
do you know what song you're
gonna sing for the glee club?
I'm not sure.
Maybe we could go to Breadstix.
Mull some potentials.
You know it's my tickle spot!
Hi.
Hi.
I got bored
sitting at the hotel.
Who's this?
Puck, this is my boyfriend.
Biff Macintosh.
Like the Apple?
Yeah, exactly like it.
My family planted the first
Macintosh apple orchard
in Pennsylvania.
So, every time you have
one of our apples,
we get a nickel.
This is my very old,
dear, dear friend
Noah Puckerman.
Puck, Puckerman.
Is that Jewish?
She never told you about me?
How long you been going out?
About three months.
Well, you know,
Quinn doesn't really like
to talk about her past,
which is why I insisted
on coming back
too see it for
myself, as boring
as you said it might be.
Mmm.
I said, "If you want
to meet Mother,
I have to really get
to know you first."
Wait, you call your mother
"Mother"?
I need to show Biff
the auditorium.
Thank you so much.
It's been great
talking to you, Puck.
It was good to meet you.
Nice uniform.
Looks a little itchy, though.
Hey. I've been looking
for you everywhere.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to prove
the Reimann hypothesis.
Who's forcing you to do this?
My colleagues at M.I.T.
They said I had the most
gifted mind in a generation.
Miss Pierce?
What's five billion,
752 million,
divided by 958 million,
715,548?
I don't know. Six?
I just wish that I could have
my old life back,
where I wasn't a
mathematical genius
and all I wanted to do
was to scissor you
and to talk to my cat.
Well,
what do you say you and I
reunite a little threesome
called the Unholy Trinity?
♪ Ah, ah ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Baby, can't you see ♪
♪ I'm calling ♪
♪ A guy like you ♪
♪ Should wear a warning ♪
♪ It's dangerous ♪
♪ I'm falling ♪
♪ There's no escape ♪
♪ I can't wait ♪
♪ I need a hit ♪
♪ Baby, give me it ♪
♪ You're dangerous,
I'm loving it ♪
♪ Too high, can't come down ♪
♪ It's in the air
and it's all around ♪
♪ Can you feel me now? ♪
♪ With a taste of your lips,
I'm on a ride ♪
♪ You're toxic,
I'm slipping under ♪
♪ With a taste
of a poison paradise ♪
♪ I'm addicted to you ♪
♪ Don't you know
that you're toxic? ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Ho, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ With a taste of your lips,
I'm on a ride ♪
♪ You're toxic,
I'm slipping under ♪
♪ With a taste
of a poison paradise ♪
♪ I'm addicted to you ♪
♪ Don't you know
that you're toxic? ♪
♪ Intoxicate me now ♪
♪ With your loving now ♪
♪ I think I'm ready now,
I think I'm ready now ♪
♪ Intoxicate me now ♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ With your loving now ♪
♪ I think I'm ready now ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
That is what I'm
talking about, kiddos.
What did you think,
Mr. Preppy McDimplebutt?
Oh, I thought it was, um,
very energetic.
Dude, you were texting
the whole time.
Yeah, well, he's very busy.
He's, um, president of a...
of a secret society
and also captain
of the water polo team.
You were great.
Oh.
Well, you were amazing as usual.
No, I wasn't.
During the bridge,
I was out of sync
one 16th of a seventh step.
What are you talking about?
You're the most amazing dancer
I've ever met.
No, I need to focus
on what I'm good at.
Quantitative algorithms.
And if there's any
time left in the day,
hosting my popular
Internet talk show.
♪ Fondue for Two,
Fondue for Two ♪
♪ That's some hot dish
♪ Fondue for Two. ♪
Hello, America.
I'm Brittany S. Pierce,
and Fondue for Two
has been on hiatus
because, as it turns out,
I'm a genius.
Tonight's guests
are two of McKinley's
most famous
nonmathematical geniuses,
Mercedes Jones
and Rachel Berry.
- Question, Rachel.
- Yes.
You're currently rehearsing for
the lead role
in a Broadway musical.
You're also working full-time
as a singing waitress at a diner
and enrolled full-time
as a student at NYADA.
That's correct.
Would you agree that it's
slightly irresponsible
for you to leave New York
for an entire week
for no other reason
than the glee club's
been canceled?
Uh, no, I-I just...
When are the lies going to stop?
You don't even live in New York.
I'm not even sure
you've been to New York.
Brittany, we went
to New York together.
Don't change the subject.
Are your cats making out?
Yes, they are.
Mercedes, how would you
respond to the rumors
that you're a really
good dancer... Ha!
But you hid the fact
the entire time
you were in Glee Club
so Mr. Shue
would allow you to, quote,
"Park and Bark"?
No comment.
Good. Last question.
Do you know what song
you're going to sing
for Mr. Shue's last assignment?
Yes. "Defying Gravity."
What?!
No, you can't sing that song.
Kurt and I are singing it,
but we're switching parts
so that I can belt out
the high note at the end.
That's not reinventing a song.
You can't do that.
You know what, Mercedes?
Why don't we settle this
the old-fashioned way?
A diva-off?
Oh, hell to the yes.
It's on.
I've never really noticed
because I haven't spent
that much time around them,
but poor people are
generally less attractive
than rich ones.
It means so much to me
that you came back here.
You know, it makes us
feel so much more real.
Yeah, well, we are very real.
I love you, Quinn,
and I want to
really get to know you.
Well, what do you want to know?
I can tell you so many things,
like the time that I...
Oh, no, not you.
Hey, guys.
Come here. Yeah, you.
Come on.
Hey, guys.
Hi. Santana Lopez.
Word on the street is
that you're old money.
I'm a lesbian, but I'm
totally into that.
Mike Chang, Asian dancer.
And I'm Artie Abrams.
I may look like
a dweeb in a wheelchair, but
my girlfriend's a cheerleader.
So, what about Quinn?
How would you describe her
in one sentence?
She's constantly surprising you.
Like, one year, she showed up
to school in the fall
and decided she wanted
to be a skank.
She dyed her hair pink, she
got a Ryan Seacrest tattoo,
and then lit a purple
piano on fire.
Hold
on one second.
Piano?
They're-They're messing
with you. Honey, I forgot
my purse in the car,
and I'd really love
my lipstick
and some lady things.
Oh, absolutely.
I'll go get it
for you, sweetheart.
No worries.
What the hell was that?
I am trying to present myself
in a particular way.
Biff's family is Philadelphia
Main Line society,
and if I get in with that,
then my life is set.
How do you cover up the tattoo, you know?
Like, what? Magic?
I pay my roommate to apply
three coats of cover-up makeup
to my lower back
before I see him.
Does he know about us?
About Beth?
I will tell him everything
when I'm ready.
The agreement
clearly states
that the provider of the funds,
in this case, the April Rhodes
Charitable Foundation...
independent LLC...
is, quote, "solely responsible
"for the maintenance and
operation of this facility
until such funds
are no longer provided."
Which means?
Which means, as long
as I'm paying
for that auditorium,
I gets to say
who performs there.
If you'd like
to start paying for it...
We can't do that.
School doesn't have the money.
Then it sounds to me
like the glee club is saved
and that we're moving full-time
to the auditorium.
I will have my team review this
and get back to you tomorrow.
Uh, and let's hold off on
any official announcements
until then. Agreed?
Let's get some box wine
to celebrate!
Wow!
Becky.
There's something fishy going on
around here.
We're gonna get
to the bottom of it.
All right, everybody,
I wish I could say
that this week isn't about
competing against each other,
but time for
one last diva-off!
And apparently, the only song
we can sing in a diva-off
is "Defying Gravity."
Wait. So we have to listen
to Kurt shred that note again?
For the millionth time,
I did it on purpose.
And after we're
done singing the song,
there will be a secret ballot
where you guys can finally
answer the age-old question:
Who is the true star
of the glee club,
me or Mercedes?
All I've ever wanted in here
was to feel chosen.
It's funny, even now,
all of the success
in the outside world
doesn't feel as important.
♪ Something has changed
within me ♪
♪ Something is not the same ♪
♪ I'm through with playing
by the rules ♪
♪ Of someone else's game ♪
♪ Too late
for second-guessing ♪
♪ Too late to go back to sleep ♪
♪ It's time to trust
my instincts ♪
♪ Close my eyes and leap ♪
♪ It's time to try ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ I think I'll try ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ Kiss me good-bye ♪
♪ I'm defying gravity ♪
♪ And you won't bring me down ♪
♪ No... ♪
♪ I'm through accepting limits ♪
♪ 'Cause someone says
they're so ♪
♪ Some things I cannot change ♪
♪ But till I try
I'll never know ♪
♪ Too long I've been afraid
of losing love ♪
♪ I guess I've lost ♪
♪ Well, if that's love,
it comes at ♪
♪ Much too high a cost ♪
♪ I'd sooner buy ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ Kiss me good-bye ♪
♪ I'm defying gravity ♪
♪ I think I'll try ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ And you won't bring me down ♪
♪ I'd sooner buy ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ Kiss me good-bye ♪
♪ I'm defying gravity ♪
♪ I think I'll try ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ And you won't bring me down ♪
♪ Bring me down! ♪
♪ Down... ♪
Bravo!
The song should be
on the Broadway.
All right, let's stop
playing around.
It's time to vote.
Actually, let's just
take a beat and...
and just enjoy how amazing
those performances were.
We'll sleep on it
and vote tomorrow.
But today, right now,
you are all winners.
Knight takes pawn.
Kiki, your move.
Pawn to A6.
Clever, for a pinko Communist.
- Knight to C3.
- Brittany,
what the hell is this?
The chess club is
helping me re-create
the historic 1972
World Championship
between Bobby Fischer
and Boris Spassky.
And it's the only
creative outlet I have
now that my life is one
never-ending math equation.
This is freaking me out.
This is not you.
You love to dance.
And I know that you think that
you're a little rusty right now,
but you'll get it back.
I'll prove it to you.
Let's do a number together.
No. Those days are over.
This is my life now.
Bishop to E3.
It all comes down
to how cool you are.
Rachel Berry, she
represents Broadway,
the past.
I'm the future. A pop diva.
I mean, she may be a pop diva,
but the fact is that
this song is a hit
from one of the longest-running
Broadway musicals of all time.
Why do they
call it Broadway
when most of the theaters
are actually not on Broadway?
You know, this
vote asks the question,
what is Glee Club?
I mean, is it a training ground
for-for theme park
and cruise ship performers
who can't wait to get on
some outdoor stage
and belt out Pippin,
or is it a place
where stars are born?
You know, the kind of stars that
you actually hear on the radio.
I beat Kurt singing this song
in our first diva-off.
I am better than her.
I've always been better
than her.
Just vote for me.
And let's settle this
once and for all time.
Amen.
So, you two
are getting hitched?
When's the happy occasion?
Well, we don't know just yet.
We were gonna wait later
in the year to set a date.
We're enjoying
a long engagement.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
If I've said it once,
I've said it a million times:
The one thing this country
needs more of is teen marriage.
I got you a wedding present.
It's a little hooch.
Oh.
Oh.
It'll help dull
the excruciating pain
of your wedding night sodomy
and the inevitable divorce
that you're careening towards
a couple months later.
Okay, guys, we're having
our secret ballot
at the end of class,
but before we get to that,
Puckerman
has asked to do a number.
Actually, Mr. Shue, I was hoping
for this number that...
Hold up, hold up,
Private Puckerman.
I'm gonna let you finish,
but first, I would like
to uphold the tradition
of hijacking this glee club
and making everyone
sit through what is
basically an intervention.
Mr. Shue, you said
that we could redo
some of our favorite
numbers, right?
Well, then I want to do
a dance duet with Brittany.
Hit it.
♪ Well, sometimes
I go out by myself ♪
♪ And I look across the water ♪
♪ And I think of all the things,
what you're doing ♪
♪ And in my head
I paint a picture ♪
♪ 'Cause since I've
come on home ♪
♪ Well, my body's been a mess ♪
♪ And I've missed
your ginger hair ♪
♪ And the way
you like to dress ♪
♪ Won't you come on over? ♪
♪ Stop making a fool
out of me ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over,
Valerie? ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Well, sometimes I go out
by myself ♪
♪ And I look across the water ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And I think of all the things,
what you're doing ♪
♪ In my head I paint a picture ♪
♪ I paint a picture ♪
♪ 'Cause since
I've come on home ♪
♪ Well, my body's been a mess ♪
♪ And I miss your ginger hair ♪
♪ And the way
you like to dress ♪
♪ Oh, won't you come on over?
♪ Stop making a fool out of me ♪
♪ I said, why don't you
come on over ♪
♪ Valerie? ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ Valerie? ♪
See? This is who you are.
This is what happens
- when you don't think about it.
- Wow.
I wouldn't want
to follow that number,
but, uh... if you're
still up for it, Puck...
Well, you know what,
for my number, I think, uh...
we should move
to the auditorium.
♪ You're not alone ♪
♪ Together we stand ♪
♪ I'll be by your side ♪
♪ You know I'll take your hand ♪
♪ And when it gets cold ♪
♪ And it feels like the end ♪
♪ There's no place to go ♪
♪ You know I won't give in ♪
♪ No, I won't give in ♪
♪ Keep ♪
♪ Holding on ♪
♪ 'Cause you know
we'll make it through ♪
♪ We'll make it through ♪
♪ Just stay strong ♪
♪ 'Cause you know I'm here
for you, I'm here for you ♪
♪ There's nothing you could say ♪
♪ Nothing you could say ♪
♪ Nothing you could do ♪
♪ Nothing you could do ♪
♪ There's no other way
when it comes to the truth ♪
♪ So keep ♪
♪ Holding on ♪
♪ 'Cause you know
we'll make it through ♪
♪ We'll make it through ♪
♪ Hear me when I say ♪
♪ When I say I believe ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna change ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
change destiny ♪
♪ Whatever's meant to be ♪
♪ Will work out perfectly ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Keep ♪
♪ Holding on ♪
♪ 'Cause you know
we'll make it through ♪
♪ We'll make it through ♪
♪ Just stay strong ♪
♪ 'Cause you know I'm here
for you ♪
♪ I'm here for you ♪
♪ There's nothing you could say ♪
♪ Nothing you could say ♪
♪ Nothing you could do ♪
♪ Nothing you could do ♪
♪ There's no other way
when it comes to the truth ♪
♪ So keep ♪
♪ Holding on ♪
♪ 'Cause you know
we'll make it through ♪
♪ We'll make it through. ♪
I guess I can still
saw your heart.
I loved the song,
but I'm not crying over you.
I'm crying because
until you sang that song,
I had actually
forgotten about it.
In a couple years...
we'll forget all of this.
Well, that's why you gotta
keep holding on to your past.
And not be ashamed of it.
I'd rather look forward.
We all love you for who you are.
And I'm in love with Biff.
All right, everybody!
No more drama.
Time to vote
for either Rachel or Mercedes.
Excuse me, Schuester.
Before we cast
another pointless vote
in a meaningless contest
that has absolutely no practical
ramifications whatsoever,
I would like to say
some words about
my good friend Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry is the most
horrible human being
on the planet.
- What?
- Can it, troll.
- Santana...
- You have sold
half the people in this room
down the river
more times than I can count
so that you can get a solo
or the lead in a musical,
and I'm pretty sure
that you don't know the names
of the other half of the people.
That's not true.
All right, what is his name?
Rick.
Exactly. Thank you.
See, you've all
met Rachel, okay?
But I've... I live with her.
Let me tell you what it's like
to share a bathroom with this
stubby, undergrown
little cretin.
Someone in that apartment
shaves their face
and leaves their stubble
in the sink,
and we all know it ain't
Kurt, so do the math.
- That's a lie.
- You know what else is a lie?
When you won Prom Queen.
- What?
- Yeah, that's right.
You didn't win, okay?
Everybody just felt
really bad for you,
and the two people
that you hate most
in this whole world,
Quinn and I,
stuffed the ballot box
so that you would win.
You're so cruel, Santana.
I mean, you're only
doing this to me
because I'm the lead
of Funny Girl
and you're just
the lowly understudy.
You want to make me feel bad
because I'm better than you.
And you're an awful person.
Oh! I feel so much better.
Let's vote.
Well, that Santana rant
really brought me back.
You don't even know
what it's like in New York.
I mean, Santana and I
were close for like a minute,
but now it's like
every single day
is exactly like that.
And now it's like
no matter where I go
or what I do, I'm just back
in high school again.
You know, every time a producer
or an agent tells me that
I'm not good enough
or that I'm not ready...
God, it's like
Santana is saying it.
Or Puck or Quinn
or anybody that's been here
that's ever made me feel small.
Sometimes it's even you.
I'm one of your
high school ghosts?
It's not necessarily
a bad thing.
I just use all of that stuff,
and I let it motivate me.
It just makes me sad
that you would think
that I'm one of
your tormentors.
I guess I just...
I don't know, I had this
feeling that it was
always me and you
against everyone else.
You were never like them.
You were just always
the best damn singer
that I've ever heard.
You know, and I want you
to be all big
and rich and famous.
I just want to be richer...
and bigger...
and more famous.
Oh, don't you think that
Beyoncé and Barbra
feel that way?
Girl, I don't know. Ask me
when I get my first gold record.
Okay?
Well, I mean,
I will have won
my first Tony by then, so...
Oh...
Come here.
Oh...
After the unpleasantness
of our last encounter,
I decided to do
some deep background
to investigate your claims,
conducted in an intensive
Wikipedia search
that took all of 25 seconds.
You, April Rhodes,
were the mistress of
local strip-mall magnate
Buddy Leibowitz,
whose wife offered
you $2 million
to keep the affair quiet
after her husband's
untimely demise.
It was that money
that you placed into an annuity
to fund the auditorium
in perpetuity.
That's right.
Well, it didn't last.
In fact, that money
ran out six weeks ago.
How?
Will Schuester's
profligate spending
and his penchant for staging
elaborate private bacchanalia
replete with extravagant
scenery and costumes
not seen since
the reign of Caligula.
I have here
a line-item budget
of the jungle set
you constructed
onstage a few weeks back
so the glee club could perform
a Katy Perry song
literally for just you.
Whoa, whoa, hold-hold on.
Let-let me see that.
I don't know what
the problem is,
but whatever money
the glee club needs,
I'm good for it.
April Rhodes is rich!
No, April Rhodes
is under indictment
from the Securities
and Exchange Commission
and in violation of
her $3 million bail
that forbids her from leaving
the state of New York.
Oh, snap!
Wait, what?
Well, what April may have
neglected to mention
is that her most recent john
was none other than
the disgraced financier
Bernie Madoff.
All of April's assets,
including her private island,
have been frozen.
April, is this true?
Gulp.
Sure sounds true, doesn't it?
I'm sorry, Will.
It does appear that
the glee club is indeed over.
Will, wait! Wait!
This is yours.
Yes.
Will, wait!
I can explain...
Explain what, April?
That's you're a
pathological liar
whom I never should
have trusted?
Yes, exactly.
You did the worst thing
you possibly could've done.
You gave me hope.
What are you talking
about? A tattoo?
It's not that bad.
I mean, it was...
On your lower back?
Ryan Seacrest?
I could get it removed.
There's not a laser big enough.
It's the size of Texas.
You should've told
me this weeks ago.
We're in the 20th century.
That doesn't make sense.
The 21st, almost.
Is there a problem here?
Puck, go away.
Okay? We're...
Was she always this
big of a liar?
I'm coming clean now.
Doesn't that mean something?
Wh... a baby?
I mean, what happens
if we got married
and this kid shows up
looking for money?
Are you crazy?
Was this the loser
who knocked you up?
Yes, yes. Puck is the father.
Yeah.
I am looking for
acceptance here, okay?
This is how I love.
That may be how you
and your loser friends love,
but where I come from,
you carry your past with you.
You are the worst
kind of hypocrite.
You walk around
like you're some
Snow frickin' White,
but you're really
just a dirty little slutbag.
Ow, ow, ow, ow! You
shouldn't have said that.
Let go of my nose!
Ow, God, let go!
Am I bleeding?
Not yet.
You're hurting him! Stop!
Kind of the point!
Knock it off!
Stop!
Help me get him out of here.
Do you have any idea
how much better you are
than this guy?
Look, you can crawl
into the trash
and help him out,
or you can come be
with your real friends
in the choir room.
I'll be waiting.
All right, everybody.
It's time to get
this voting nonsense
out of the way
so that we can continue on
with what you all came here for:
the music.
Y'all can use your left hand
for anonymity.
But I'm left-handed.
Then use a foot.
Okay.
Dude, who you putting on?
Well, I'm torn.
One is black and one is Jewish.
Okay, that's everybody.
So, um,
sorry about that
outburst earlier.
Mercedes and I
have been talking.
And we both realize that
asking you guys to vote
for who's more talented is just,
it's completely ridiculous,
unproductive
and narcissistic. I mean,
how could we ask you guys
to choose between two
beautiful queen divas?
Well, funny enough,
they did vote,
and they did choose.
And guess what.
You're both equally talented
in their eyes.
And mine.
Excuse me, excuse me.
I'd like to apologize.
It's not the first time I've
raised someone's hopes
and then left them
on the rocky shores
of disappointment and regret.
Just ask all of my A.A.
sponsors. April?
We just want to spend the rest
of the week singing in peace.
But I did do was use
the last few hours
of my NetJets account
to bring in someone
whose infectious happiness
surely will make the next
few days that much brighter.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Hola, clase.
April, thank you for
buttering the floor for me.
You know I like
to make an entrance.
Wait, I'm-I'm sorry.
How-how do you two
know each other?
Oh, because there's
a whole Facebook page
for people who were
guests of Glee Club.
I'm on it, April...
Blaine's brother, Rachel's mom,
that Mexican guy.
Holly...
This is amazing.
Where have you been?
Oh, I've been everywhere.
I quit being a
substitute teacher
because I couldn't
stand being tied down.
I like teaching a room
full of kids if I know
I'm never gonna see them again,
but then, if you're
any good at it,
they keep asking you back,
which kind of
defeats the purpose.
So, I started my trademark
Holly Holliday Teachin' Pop-Ups.
I just show up at a classroom
unannounced, teach a lesson
and get the hell out of there.
Hello!
I'm William Henry Harrison,
America's worst president.
I exterminated a nation
of Native Americans,
and it got me elected.
But I refused to wear a coat
to my inauguration,
so I caught a cold
and died a month later.
I accomplished nothing!
There she is!
She just showed up,
and she took
over my class!
Tippy-canoe!
But when I heard
Glee Club was ending,
I ripped off my Pol Pot uniform,
hopped on that first flight
out of Buenos Aires
and came to pay my respects.
Uh, Holly, you know
that we're singing
our favorite Glee Club songs
we've already sung before.
That's a terrible idea!
Listen, that might be
fine for you nerds,
but when Holly Holliday
is in town,
this hot bitch is not looking
in the rearview mirror;
she's looking forward.
Hit it!
♪ It might seem crazy
what I'm about to say ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Sunshine, she's here,
you can take a break ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I'm a hot-air balloon
that could go to space ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ With the air like I don't
care, baby, by the way ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
'cause I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel
like a room without a roof ♪
♪ Because I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel ♪
♪ Like happiness is the truth ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
because I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you know
what happiness is to you ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel ♪
♪ Like that's what
you want to do ♪
♪ Here come bad news
talking this and that ♪
♪ Come bad news talking
this and that ♪
♪ Give me all you got,
don't hold back ♪
♪ Don't hold back ♪
♪ Well, I should
probably warn you ♪
♪ I'll be just fine ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ No offense to you,
don't waste your time ♪
♪ I won't waste your time ♪
♪ Here's why ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel ♪
♪ Like a room without a roof ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel ♪
♪ Like happiness is the truth
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Clap along if you know
what happiness is to you ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel like
that's what you want to do ♪
♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
come to me ♪
♪ Bring me down, can't nothing ♪
♪ Bring me down ♪
♪ Your love is too high
to bring me down ♪
♪ Can't nothing bring me down ♪
♪ I said I'll tell you now ♪
♪ Bring me down ♪
♪ Can't nothing bring me down ♪
♪ Your love is too high
to bring me down ♪
♪ Can't nothing ♪
♪ Bring me down, say ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel like ♪
♪ A room without a roof ♪
♪ Without a roof ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel ♪
♪ Le happiness is the truth ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm happy. ♪
He forgave us for
what we did, right?
A long time ago.
And we saved him.
Rachel was his soul mate.
Who's yours?
Biff?
He's going back to Yale.
Alone.
This is so not cool.
Okay, they can't just
chain you to a calculator
and keep you as
their math monkey.
Wait, do those actually exist?
You need to be having a life.
You need to be out in the world
going to restaurants
and concerts and...
and dating.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna
blow this place, too.
Unless there's a reason
for me to stay.
'Cause I know who
my soul mate is.
Okay, um...
it's a bad idea.
You don't want me.
I'm terrible at having
a relationship that involves
any level of honesty.
I love you.
Just tell me to stay.
'Cause the truth is
there's only one guy
that you were ever
really honest with.
It feels really good
to be around you.
You make me feel
like a girl again.
Like, my body wakes up.
Please don't do this, okay?
I have worked my ass
off to get over you.
I really want
to be with you, Santana.
I've seen the world,
and I'm sure now more than ever
that I belong with you.
And I'm sure
your girlfriend's great,
but you can't re-create
what you and I have.
Just tell me to stay.
Please.
So, it's your choice.
If you want me, I'm here.
Stay.
I want to show you
guys something.
All of you that were together
from the very beginning
when the glee club
was just a dream.
Their new and final
resting places.
For as long
as McKinley's around,
all the students who travel
through this auditorium
are gonna see these.
And have absolutely no idea
who they are.
You know what? This is crazy.
Because I could really give
two poops about this place,
but this is
really getting to me.
I know. Why is that?
We were all raised
by different parents.
But we grew up together
in the glee club.
It's a part of all of us.
Of course you're sad about it.
I don't know, Mr. Schue.
With this and Finn,
it's kind of hard
to believe that anything lasts.
I don't have any more pep talks.
I just have you guys.
And the memory
of the people on this wall.
My friends.
I mean, we share
this special bond.
We're the only ones
in the world who-who know
what this glee club
meant to us.
What it felt like
to sing together.
To be... to be together.
And what it feels like
to say good-bye to it.
I didn't come here
to cheer you up.
Just to thank you.
To thank you for
going on this ride with me.
All right, come on.
We've still got
a few days until, uh,
Sue shuts the lights out
on the choir room, so...
let's make the most of them.
I mean, I know we got to
finish our wine first.
Mmm.
But when we do, we cannot let
that glee club go
the way of the dodo.
Oh, couldn't have said it
better myself.
Holly Holliday...
we're going to save
that glee club.
I know this is a sad day
for McKinley
and that we've come back
to reflect on everything
the glee club has meant to us.
But still, I figured they'd
at least put up a poster saying
"Welcome back, Mercedes."
I mean, look, no confetti.
No red carpet
even though I called.
I'm the biggest Broadway Star I'm
the biggest recording artist
this school's ever produced!
- What the hell?!
- What happened?!
- I would be so excited.
- I'm excited.
- Are you nervous?
- I mean, like, a little.
Of course she is!
- It's your Broadway debut!
- I know!
Oh, my God.
I can't wait
for that album to drop.
Thank you.
I mean, come on. She
wrote a couple of songs.
Big whoop.
So what? She got cast
in a play
as an annoying Jewish girl.
What a surprise.
There's only one way
to assert
my God-given superiority.
Sit front and
center in the Rachel chair.
Greet each other.
Hello, Rachel.
I am so happy to hear
about all of your success.
Oh, thank you so much, Mercedes.
And you are looking well.
Thank you.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll make my way
to the back of the bus.
100 lessons.
Hey, can I get Finn's plaque
when we clear this place out?
No, the plaque stays here.
Lillian and Finn
belong here at McKinley.
It means so much to me
that so many of you came
back on such short notice
to celebrate the
past few years.
To sit in this room
one last time
and sing.
Your assignment is to sing
one of the songs
we sang in here,
but reinvented in some way.
Way back in the old days
when I started the glee club,
I would give an assignment,
and then I would...
I would give
a little demonstration
of what I was looking for.
Yeah!
See, you all cheer now,
but just wait
till he starts rapping.
Okay, no hip-hop today, Santana.
However, I have asked a very
special person to come join me.
And it seemed appropriate
since her contributions
helped save the glee club,
or at least the auditorium
way back when.
Please welcome, all the
way from Broadway,
Miss April Rhodes!
Hey, y'all!
You know, she once taught
me how to shoplift meat
- in my vagina.
- Ew.
Right?
So, Mr. Moneybags says
to me, he says,
"April Rhodes,
you sing like an angel
"and make love like a tiger.
"But the old ball and chain's
got your number.
So I'm afraid
I gots to set you loose."
So, you know what he did?
He bought me an island!
That's right.
I own my own island
in the Caribbean called
Santa Abrilrodeo.
It's not war-torn
or filled with landslides
or got destitute locals in it.
Just me
and my manservant Kadeem.
With long, sensuous nights
full of home-brewed poi
and intimate massage...
Okay, thank you, April,
for that...
wonderful lesson
in female empowerment.
Amen!
Amen, but...
why are we all holding
these plastic champagne flutes?
'Cause we are about to pop
the cork with some bubbly.
But don't worry,
this Spumante is virgin.
Probably like you will be
for a long time.
Anyways...
Will and I want you
to raise your glass
to celebrate the
glee club by singing
hands down the best song
New Directions! ever did.
Wait a second, the New
Directions! never sang
"Raise Your Glass."
The Warblers did that.
I was wondering
why it didn't annoy me
every time I heard it
in my head.
I always have had
a soft spot in my heart
for you prep school boys.
Well...
Honk!
Hit it, boys.
♪ Right, right,
turn off the lights ♪
♪ We're gonna lose
our minds tonight ♪
♪ What's the deal, yo? ♪
Yeah!
♪ I love when it's
all too much ♪
♪ 5:00 a.m. turn the radio up ♪
♪ Where's the rock and roll? ♪
♪ Nar-na-nar-na-nar-nar, whoa! ♪
♪ Party crasher,
panty snatcher ♪
♪ Call me up
if you're a gangsta ♪
Yeah!
♪ Don't be fancy ♪
♪ Just get dancing ♪
♪ Why so serious? ♪
♪ So raise your glass
if you are wrong ♪
♪ In all the right ways ♪
♪ All my underdogs ♪
♪ We will never be,
never be anything but loud ♪
♪ And nitty gritty
dirty little freaks ♪
♪ Won't you come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ Just come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ Won't you come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ Just come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
Oh, no.
My glass is empty.
That sucks.
♪ So if you're
too school for cool ♪
♪ And you're treated
like a fool ♪
♪ Treated like a fool ♪
♪ You can choose to let it go ♪
♪ Choose to let it go ♪
♪ We can always, we can always ♪
♪ Party on our own ♪
♪ So raise your ♪
♪ So raise your glass ♪
♪ If you are wrong ♪
♪ In all the right ways ♪
♪ All my underdogs ♪
♪ We will never be,
never be anything but loud ♪
♪ And nitty gritty ♪
♪ And nitty gritty
dirty little freaks ♪
♪ Won't you come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ Just come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ Won't you come on and come on
and raise your glass ♪
♪ For me ♪ Just come on and
come on and raise your glass ♪
♪ For me. ♪
I was The Saw.
That's what they called me.
I sliced through this school
like, well, like a saw.
Dude got in my way?
Sawed him.
Set my sights on a chick?
Sawed her.
It would've been like a horror
movie if I wasn't so awesome.
But that guy's gone now.
I have a purpose.
To defend our great country
with my superior airpower.
I don't look back.
The past is dead to me.
Except for maybe
just one thing.
Hey, Puck.
Hey.
So, uh, have you noticed
how hot I look in my uniform?
It does look a little bit itchy.
Are you serious or...?
I'm just kidding.
You look really handsome.
It's not just
the uniform, either.
You've got this newfound
confidence about you.
So, um,
do you know what song you're
gonna sing for the glee club?
I'm not sure.
Maybe we could go to Breadstix.
Mull some potentials.
You know it's my tickle spot!
Hi.
Hi.
I got bored
sitting at the hotel.
Who's this?
Puck, this is my boyfriend.
Biff Macintosh.
Like the Apple?
Yeah, exactly like it.
My family planted the first
Macintosh apple orchard
in Pennsylvania.
So, every time you have
one of our apples,
we get a nickel.
This is my very old,
dear, dear friend
Noah Puckerman.
Puck, Puckerman.
Is that Jewish?
She never told you about me?
How long you been going out?
About three months.
Well, you know,
Quinn doesn't really like
to talk about her past,
which is why I insisted
on coming back
too see it for
myself, as boring
as you said it might be.
Mmm.
I said, "If you want
to meet Mother,
I have to really get
to know you first."
Wait, you call your mother
"Mother"?
I need to show Biff
the auditorium.
Thank you so much.
It's been great
talking to you, Puck.
It was good to meet you.
Nice uniform.
Looks a little itchy, though.
Hey. I've been looking
for you everywhere.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to prove
the Reimann hypothesis.
Who's forcing you to do this?
My colleagues at M.I.T.
They said I had the most
gifted mind in a generation.
Miss Pierce?
What's five billion,
752 million,
divided by 958 million,
715,548?
I don't know. Six?
I just wish that I could have
my old life back,
where I wasn't a
mathematical genius
and all I wanted to do
was to scissor you
and to talk to my cat.
Well,
what do you say you and I
reunite a little threesome
called the Unholy Trinity?
♪ Ah, ah ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Baby, can't you see ♪
♪ I'm calling ♪
♪ A guy like you ♪
♪ Should wear a warning ♪
♪ It's dangerous ♪
♪ I'm falling ♪
♪ There's no escape ♪
♪ I can't wait ♪
♪ I need a hit ♪
♪ Baby, give me it ♪
♪ You're dangerous,
I'm loving it ♪
♪ Too high, can't come down ♪
♪ It's in the air
and it's all around ♪
♪ Can you feel me now? ♪
♪ With a taste of your lips,
I'm on a ride ♪
♪ You're toxic,
I'm slipping under ♪
♪ With a taste
of a poison paradise ♪
♪ I'm addicted to you ♪
♪ Don't you know
that you're toxic? ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Ho, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ With a taste of your lips,
I'm on a ride ♪
♪ You're toxic,
I'm slipping under ♪
♪ With a taste
of a poison paradise ♪
♪ I'm addicted to you ♪
♪ Don't you know
that you're toxic? ♪
♪ Intoxicate me now ♪
♪ With your loving now ♪
♪ I think I'm ready now,
I think I'm ready now ♪
♪ Intoxicate me now ♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ With your loving now ♪
♪ I think I'm ready now ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪
That is what I'm
talking about, kiddos.
What did you think,
Mr. Preppy McDimplebutt?
Oh, I thought it was, um,
very energetic.
Dude, you were texting
the whole time.
Yeah, well, he's very busy.
He's, um, president of a...
of a secret society
and also captain
of the water polo team.
You were great.
Oh.
Well, you were amazing as usual.
No, I wasn't.
During the bridge,
I was out of sync
one 16th of a seventh step.
What are you talking about?
You're the most amazing dancer
I've ever met.
No, I need to focus
on what I'm good at.
Quantitative algorithms.
And if there's any
time left in the day,
hosting my popular
Internet talk show.
♪ Fondue for Two,
Fondue for Two ♪
♪ That's some hot dish
♪ Fondue for Two. ♪
Hello, America.
I'm Brittany S. Pierce,
and Fondue for Two
has been on hiatus
because, as it turns out,
I'm a genius.
Tonight's guests
are two of McKinley's
most famous
nonmathematical geniuses,
Mercedes Jones
and Rachel Berry.
- Question, Rachel.
- Yes.
You're currently rehearsing for
the lead role
in a Broadway musical.
You're also working full-time
as a singing waitress at a diner
and enrolled full-time
as a student at NYADA.
That's correct.
Would you agree that it's
slightly irresponsible
for you to leave New York
for an entire week
for no other reason
than the glee club's
been canceled?
Uh, no, I-I just...
When are the lies going to stop?
You don't even live in New York.
I'm not even sure
you've been to New York.
Brittany, we went
to New York together.
Don't change the subject.
Are your cats making out?
Yes, they are.
Mercedes, how would you
respond to the rumors
that you're a really
good dancer... Ha!
But you hid the fact
the entire time
you were in Glee Club
so Mr. Shue
would allow you to, quote,
"Park and Bark"?
No comment.
Good. Last question.
Do you know what song
you're going to sing
for Mr. Shue's last assignment?
Yes. "Defying Gravity."
What?!
No, you can't sing that song.
Kurt and I are singing it,
but we're switching parts
so that I can belt out
the high note at the end.
That's not reinventing a song.
You can't do that.
You know what, Mercedes?
Why don't we settle this
the old-fashioned way?
A diva-off?
Oh, hell to the yes.
It's on.
I've never really noticed
because I haven't spent
that much time around them,
but poor people are
generally less attractive
than rich ones.
It means so much to me
that you came back here.
You know, it makes us
feel so much more real.
Yeah, well, we are very real.
I love you, Quinn,
and I want to
really get to know you.
Well, what do you want to know?
I can tell you so many things,
like the time that I...
Oh, no, not you.
Hey, guys.
Come here. Yeah, you.
Come on.
Hey, guys.
Hi. Santana Lopez.
Word on the street is
that you're old money.
I'm a lesbian, but I'm
totally into that.
Mike Chang, Asian dancer.
And I'm Artie Abrams.
I may look like
a dweeb in a wheelchair, but
my girlfriend's a cheerleader.
So, what about Quinn?
How would you describe her
in one sentence?
She's constantly surprising you.
Like, one year, she showed up
to school in the fall
and decided she wanted
to be a skank.
She dyed her hair pink, she
got a Ryan Seacrest tattoo,
and then lit a purple
piano on fire.
Hold
on one second.
Piano?
They're-They're messing
with you. Honey, I forgot
my purse in the car,
and I'd really love
my lipstick
and some lady things.
Oh, absolutely.
I'll go get it
for you, sweetheart.
No worries.
What the hell was that?
I am trying to present myself
in a particular way.
Biff's family is Philadelphia
Main Line society,
and if I get in with that,
then my life is set.
How do you cover up the tattoo, you know?
Like, what? Magic?
I pay my roommate to apply
three coats of cover-up makeup
to my lower back
before I see him.
Does he know about us?
About Beth?
I will tell him everything
when I'm ready.
The agreement
clearly states
that the provider of the funds,
in this case, the April Rhodes
Charitable Foundation...
independent LLC...
is, quote, "solely responsible
"for the maintenance and
operation of this facility
until such funds
are no longer provided."
Which means?
Which means, as long
as I'm paying
for that auditorium,
I gets to say
who performs there.
If you'd like
to start paying for it...
We can't do that.
School doesn't have the money.
Then it sounds to me
like the glee club is saved
and that we're moving full-time
to the auditorium.
I will have my team review this
and get back to you tomorrow.
Uh, and let's hold off on
any official announcements
until then. Agreed?
Let's get some box wine
to celebrate!
Wow!
Becky.
There's something fishy going on
around here.
We're gonna get
to the bottom of it.
All right, everybody,
I wish I could say
that this week isn't about
competing against each other,
but time for
one last diva-off!
And apparently, the only song
we can sing in a diva-off
is "Defying Gravity."
Wait. So we have to listen
to Kurt shred that note again?
For the millionth time,
I did it on purpose.
And after we're
done singing the song,
there will be a secret ballot
where you guys can finally
answer the age-old question:
Who is the true star
of the glee club,
me or Mercedes?
All I've ever wanted in here
was to feel chosen.
It's funny, even now,
all of the success
in the outside world
doesn't feel as important.
♪ Something has changed
within me ♪
♪ Something is not the same ♪
♪ I'm through with playing
by the rules ♪
♪ Of someone else's game ♪
♪ Too late
for second-guessing ♪
♪ Too late to go back to sleep ♪
♪ It's time to trust
my instincts ♪
♪ Close my eyes and leap ♪
♪ It's time to try ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ I think I'll try ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ Kiss me good-bye ♪
♪ I'm defying gravity ♪
♪ And you won't bring me down ♪
♪ No... ♪
♪ I'm through accepting limits ♪
♪ 'Cause someone says
they're so ♪
♪ Some things I cannot change ♪
♪ But till I try
I'll never know ♪
♪ Too long I've been afraid
of losing love ♪
♪ I guess I've lost ♪
♪ Well, if that's love,
it comes at ♪
♪ Much too high a cost ♪
♪ I'd sooner buy ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ Kiss me good-bye ♪
♪ I'm defying gravity ♪
♪ I think I'll try ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ And you won't bring me down ♪
♪ I'd sooner buy ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ Kiss me good-bye ♪
♪ I'm defying gravity ♪
♪ I think I'll try ♪
♪ Defying gravity ♪
♪ And you won't bring me down ♪
♪ Bring me down! ♪
♪ Down... ♪
Bravo!
The song should be
on the Broadway.
All right, let's stop
playing around.
It's time to vote.
Actually, let's just
take a beat and...
and just enjoy how amazing
those performances were.
We'll sleep on it
and vote tomorrow.
But today, right now,
you are all winners.
Knight takes pawn.
Kiki, your move.
Pawn to A6.
Clever, for a pinko Communist.
- Knight to C3.
- Brittany,
what the hell is this?
The chess club is
helping me re-create
the historic 1972
World Championship
between Bobby Fischer
and Boris Spassky.
And it's the only
creative outlet I have
now that my life is one
never-ending math equation.
This is freaking me out.
This is not you.
You love to dance.
And I know that you think that
you're a little rusty right now,
but you'll get it back.
I'll prove it to you.
Let's do a number together.
No. Those days are over.
This is my life now.
Bishop to E3.
It all comes down
to how cool you are.
Rachel Berry, she
represents Broadway,
the past.
I'm the future. A pop diva.
I mean, she may be a pop diva,
but the fact is that
this song is a hit
from one of the longest-running
Broadway musicals of all time.
Why do they
call it Broadway
when most of the theaters
are actually not on Broadway?
You know, this
vote asks the question,
what is Glee Club?
I mean, is it a training ground
for-for theme park
and cruise ship performers
who can't wait to get on
some outdoor stage
and belt out Pippin,
or is it a place
where stars are born?
You know, the kind of stars that
you actually hear on the radio.
I beat Kurt singing this song
in our first diva-off.
I am better than her.
I've always been better
than her.
Just vote for me.
And let's settle this
once and for all time.
Amen.
So, you two
are getting hitched?
When's the happy occasion?
Well, we don't know just yet.
We were gonna wait later
in the year to set a date.
We're enjoying
a long engagement.
Oh, I'm so happy for you.
If I've said it once,
I've said it a million times:
The one thing this country
needs more of is teen marriage.
I got you a wedding present.
It's a little hooch.
Oh.
Oh.
It'll help dull
the excruciating pain
of your wedding night sodomy
and the inevitable divorce
that you're careening towards
a couple months later.
Okay, guys, we're having
our secret ballot
at the end of class,
but before we get to that,
Puckerman
has asked to do a number.
Actually, Mr. Shue, I was hoping
for this number that...
Hold up, hold up,
Private Puckerman.
I'm gonna let you finish,
but first, I would like
to uphold the tradition
of hijacking this glee club
and making everyone
sit through what is
basically an intervention.
Mr. Shue, you said
that we could redo
some of our favorite
numbers, right?
Well, then I want to do
a dance duet with Brittany.
Hit it.
♪ Well, sometimes
I go out by myself ♪
♪ And I look across the water ♪
♪ And I think of all the things,
what you're doing ♪
♪ And in my head
I paint a picture ♪
♪ 'Cause since I've
come on home ♪
♪ Well, my body's been a mess ♪
♪ And I've missed
your ginger hair ♪
♪ And the way
you like to dress ♪
♪ Won't you come on over? ♪
♪ Stop making a fool
out of me ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over,
Valerie? ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Well, sometimes I go out
by myself ♪
♪ And I look across the water ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ And I think of all the things,
what you're doing ♪
♪ In my head I paint a picture ♪
♪ I paint a picture ♪
♪ 'Cause since
I've come on home ♪
♪ Well, my body's been a mess ♪
♪ And I miss your ginger hair ♪
♪ And the way
you like to dress ♪
♪ Oh, won't you come on over?
♪ Stop making a fool out of me ♪
♪ I said, why don't you
come on over ♪
♪ Valerie? ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ Valerie ♪
♪ Why don't you come on over ♪
♪ Valerie? ♪
See? This is who you are.
This is what happens
- when you don't think about it.
- Wow.
I wouldn't want
to follow that number,
but, uh... if you're
still up for it, Puck...
Well, you know what,
for my number, I think, uh...
we should move
to the auditorium.
♪ You're not alone ♪
♪ Together we stand ♪
♪ I'll be by your side ♪
♪ You know I'll take your hand ♪
♪ And when it gets cold ♪
♪ And it feels like the end ♪
♪ There's no place to go ♪
♪ You know I won't give in ♪
♪ No, I won't give in ♪
♪ Keep ♪
♪ Holding on ♪
♪ 'Cause you know
we'll make it through ♪
♪ We'll make it through ♪
♪ Just stay strong ♪
♪ 'Cause you know I'm here
for you, I'm here for you ♪
♪ There's nothing you could say ♪
♪ Nothing you could say ♪
♪ Nothing you could do ♪
♪ Nothing you could do ♪
♪ There's no other way
when it comes to the truth ♪
♪ So keep ♪
♪ Holding on ♪
♪ 'Cause you know
we'll make it through ♪
♪ We'll make it through ♪
♪ Hear me when I say ♪
♪ When I say I believe ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna change ♪
♪ Nothing's gonna
change destiny ♪
♪ Whatever's meant to be ♪
♪ Will work out perfectly ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Keep ♪
♪ Holding on ♪
♪ 'Cause you know
we'll make it through ♪
♪ We'll make it through ♪
♪ Just stay strong ♪
♪ 'Cause you know I'm here
for you ♪
♪ I'm here for you ♪
♪ There's nothing you could say ♪
♪ Nothing you could say ♪
♪ Nothing you could do ♪
♪ Nothing you could do ♪
♪ There's no other way
when it comes to the truth ♪
♪ So keep ♪
♪ Holding on ♪
♪ 'Cause you know
we'll make it through ♪
♪ We'll make it through. ♪
I guess I can still
saw your heart.
I loved the song,
but I'm not crying over you.
I'm crying because
until you sang that song,
I had actually
forgotten about it.
In a couple years...
we'll forget all of this.
Well, that's why you gotta
keep holding on to your past.
And not be ashamed of it.
I'd rather look forward.
We all love you for who you are.
And I'm in love with Biff.
All right, everybody!
No more drama.
Time to vote
for either Rachel or Mercedes.
Excuse me, Schuester.
Before we cast
another pointless vote
in a meaningless contest
that has absolutely no practical
ramifications whatsoever,
I would like to say
some words about
my good friend Rachel Berry.
Rachel Berry is the most
horrible human being
on the planet.
- What?
- Can it, troll.
- Santana...
- You have sold
half the people in this room
down the river
more times than I can count
so that you can get a solo
or the lead in a musical,
and I'm pretty sure
that you don't know the names
of the other half of the people.
That's not true.
All right, what is his name?
Rick.
Exactly. Thank you.
See, you've all
met Rachel, okay?
But I've... I live with her.
Let me tell you what it's like
to share a bathroom with this
stubby, undergrown
little cretin.
Someone in that apartment
shaves their face
and leaves their stubble
in the sink,
and we all know it ain't
Kurt, so do the math.
- That's a lie.
- You know what else is a lie?
When you won Prom Queen.
- What?
- Yeah, that's right.
You didn't win, okay?
Everybody just felt
really bad for you,
and the two people
that you hate most
in this whole world,
Quinn and I,
stuffed the ballot box
so that you would win.
You're so cruel, Santana.
I mean, you're only
doing this to me
because I'm the lead
of Funny Girl
and you're just
the lowly understudy.
You want to make me feel bad
because I'm better than you.
And you're an awful person.
Oh! I feel so much better.
Let's vote.
Well, that Santana rant
really brought me back.
You don't even know
what it's like in New York.
I mean, Santana and I
were close for like a minute,
but now it's like
every single day
is exactly like that.
And now it's like
no matter where I go
or what I do, I'm just back
in high school again.
You know, every time a producer
or an agent tells me that
I'm not good enough
or that I'm not ready...
God, it's like
Santana is saying it.
Or Puck or Quinn
or anybody that's been here
that's ever made me feel small.
Sometimes it's even you.
I'm one of your
high school ghosts?
It's not necessarily
a bad thing.
I just use all of that stuff,
and I let it motivate me.
It just makes me sad
that you would think
that I'm one of
your tormentors.
I guess I just...
I don't know, I had this
feeling that it was
always me and you
against everyone else.
You were never like them.
You were just always
the best damn singer
that I've ever heard.
You know, and I want you
to be all big
and rich and famous.
I just want to be richer...
and bigger...
and more famous.
Oh, don't you think that
Beyoncé and Barbra
feel that way?
Girl, I don't know. Ask me
when I get my first gold record.
Okay?
Well, I mean,
I will have won
my first Tony by then, so...
Oh...
Come here.
Oh...
After the unpleasantness
of our last encounter,
I decided to do
some deep background
to investigate your claims,
conducted in an intensive
Wikipedia search
that took all of 25 seconds.
You, April Rhodes,
were the mistress of
local strip-mall magnate
Buddy Leibowitz,
whose wife offered
you $2 million
to keep the affair quiet
after her husband's
untimely demise.
It was that money
that you placed into an annuity
to fund the auditorium
in perpetuity.
That's right.
Well, it didn't last.
In fact, that money
ran out six weeks ago.
How?
Will Schuester's
profligate spending
and his penchant for staging
elaborate private bacchanalia
replete with extravagant
scenery and costumes
not seen since
the reign of Caligula.
I have here
a line-item budget
of the jungle set
you constructed
onstage a few weeks back
so the glee club could perform
a Katy Perry song
literally for just you.
Whoa, whoa, hold-hold on.
Let-let me see that.
I don't know what
the problem is,
but whatever money
the glee club needs,
I'm good for it.
April Rhodes is rich!
No, April Rhodes
is under indictment
from the Securities
and Exchange Commission
and in violation of
her $3 million bail
that forbids her from leaving
the state of New York.
Oh, snap!
Wait, what?
Well, what April may have
neglected to mention
is that her most recent john
was none other than
the disgraced financier
Bernie Madoff.
All of April's assets,
including her private island,
have been frozen.
April, is this true?
Gulp.
Sure sounds true, doesn't it?
I'm sorry, Will.
It does appear that
the glee club is indeed over.
Will, wait! Wait!
This is yours.
Yes.
Will, wait!
I can explain...
Explain what, April?
That's you're a
pathological liar
whom I never should
have trusted?
Yes, exactly.
You did the worst thing
you possibly could've done.
You gave me hope.
What are you talking
about? A tattoo?
It's not that bad.
I mean, it was...
On your lower back?
Ryan Seacrest?
I could get it removed.
There's not a laser big enough.
It's the size of Texas.
You should've told
me this weeks ago.
We're in the 20th century.
That doesn't make sense.
The 21st, almost.
Is there a problem here?
Puck, go away.
Okay? We're...
Was she always this
big of a liar?
I'm coming clean now.
Doesn't that mean something?
Wh... a baby?
I mean, what happens
if we got married
and this kid shows up
looking for money?
Are you crazy?
Was this the loser
who knocked you up?
Yes, yes. Puck is the father.
Yeah.
I am looking for
acceptance here, okay?
This is how I love.
That may be how you
and your loser friends love,
but where I come from,
you carry your past with you.
You are the worst
kind of hypocrite.
You walk around
like you're some
Snow frickin' White,
but you're really
just a dirty little slutbag.
Ow, ow, ow, ow! You
shouldn't have said that.
Let go of my nose!
Ow, God, let go!
Am I bleeding?
Not yet.
You're hurting him! Stop!
Kind of the point!
Knock it off!
Stop!
Help me get him out of here.
Do you have any idea
how much better you are
than this guy?
Look, you can crawl
into the trash
and help him out,
or you can come be
with your real friends
in the choir room.
I'll be waiting.
All right, everybody.
It's time to get
this voting nonsense
out of the way
so that we can continue on
with what you all came here for:
the music.
Y'all can use your left hand
for anonymity.
But I'm left-handed.
Then use a foot.
Okay.
Dude, who you putting on?
Well, I'm torn.
One is black and one is Jewish.
Okay, that's everybody.
So, um,
sorry about that
outburst earlier.
Mercedes and I
have been talking.
And we both realize that
asking you guys to vote
for who's more talented is just,
it's completely ridiculous,
unproductive
and narcissistic. I mean,
how could we ask you guys
to choose between two
beautiful queen divas?
Well, funny enough,
they did vote,
and they did choose.
And guess what.
You're both equally talented
in their eyes.
And mine.
Excuse me, excuse me.
I'd like to apologize.
It's not the first time I've
raised someone's hopes
and then left them
on the rocky shores
of disappointment and regret.
Just ask all of my A.A.
sponsors. April?
We just want to spend the rest
of the week singing in peace.
But I did do was use
the last few hours
of my NetJets account
to bring in someone
whose infectious happiness
surely will make the next
few days that much brighter.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Hola, clase.
April, thank you for
buttering the floor for me.
You know I like
to make an entrance.
Wait, I'm-I'm sorry.
How-how do you two
know each other?
Oh, because there's
a whole Facebook page
for people who were
guests of Glee Club.
I'm on it, April...
Blaine's brother, Rachel's mom,
that Mexican guy.
Holly...
This is amazing.
Where have you been?
Oh, I've been everywhere.
I quit being a
substitute teacher
because I couldn't
stand being tied down.
I like teaching a room
full of kids if I know
I'm never gonna see them again,
but then, if you're
any good at it,
they keep asking you back,
which kind of
defeats the purpose.
So, I started my trademark
Holly Holliday Teachin' Pop-Ups.
I just show up at a classroom
unannounced, teach a lesson
and get the hell out of there.
Hello!
I'm William Henry Harrison,
America's worst president.
I exterminated a nation
of Native Americans,
and it got me elected.
But I refused to wear a coat
to my inauguration,
so I caught a cold
and died a month later.
I accomplished nothing!
There she is!
She just showed up,
and she took
over my class!
Tippy-canoe!
But when I heard
Glee Club was ending,
I ripped off my Pol Pot uniform,
hopped on that first flight
out of Buenos Aires
and came to pay my respects.
Uh, Holly, you know
that we're singing
our favorite Glee Club songs
we've already sung before.
That's a terrible idea!
Listen, that might be
fine for you nerds,
but when Holly Holliday
is in town,
this hot bitch is not looking
in the rearview mirror;
she's looking forward.
Hit it!
♪ It might seem crazy
what I'm about to say ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Sunshine, she's here,
you can take a break ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ I'm a hot-air balloon
that could go to space ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ With the air like I don't
care, baby, by the way ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
'cause I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel
like a room without a roof ♪
♪ Because I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel ♪
♪ Like happiness is the truth ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
because I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you know
what happiness is to you ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel ♪
♪ Like that's what
you want to do ♪
♪ Here come bad news
talking this and that ♪
♪ Come bad news talking
this and that ♪
♪ Give me all you got,
don't hold back ♪
♪ Don't hold back ♪
♪ Well, I should
probably warn you ♪
♪ I'll be just fine ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ No offense to you,
don't waste your time ♪
♪ I won't waste your time ♪
♪ Here's why ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel ♪
♪ Like a room without a roof ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel ♪
♪ Like happiness is the truth
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Clap along if you know
what happiness is to you ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel like
that's what you want to do ♪
♪ Ooh, oh, ooh, ooh, ooh,
come to me ♪
♪ Bring me down, can't nothing ♪
♪ Bring me down ♪
♪ Your love is too high
to bring me down ♪
♪ Can't nothing bring me down ♪
♪ I said I'll tell you now ♪
♪ Bring me down ♪
♪ Can't nothing bring me down ♪
♪ Your love is too high
to bring me down ♪
♪ Can't nothing ♪
♪ Bring me down, say ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm happy ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel like ♪
♪ A room without a roof ♪
♪ Without a roof ♪
♪ Clap along if you feel ♪
♪ Le happiness is the truth ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm happy. ♪
He forgave us for
what we did, right?
A long time ago.
And we saved him.
Rachel was his soul mate.
Who's yours?
Biff?
He's going back to Yale.
Alone.
This is so not cool.
Okay, they can't just
chain you to a calculator
and keep you as
their math monkey.
Wait, do those actually exist?
You need to be having a life.
You need to be out in the world
going to restaurants
and concerts and...
and dating.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna
blow this place, too.
Unless there's a reason
for me to stay.
'Cause I know who
my soul mate is.
Okay, um...
it's a bad idea.
You don't want me.
I'm terrible at having
a relationship that involves
any level of honesty.
I love you.
Just tell me to stay.
'Cause the truth is
there's only one guy
that you were ever
really honest with.
It feels really good
to be around you.
You make me feel
like a girl again.
Like, my body wakes up.
Please don't do this, okay?
I have worked my ass
off to get over you.
I really want
to be with you, Santana.
I've seen the world,
and I'm sure now more than ever
that I belong with you.
And I'm sure
your girlfriend's great,
but you can't re-create
what you and I have.
Just tell me to stay.
Please.
So, it's your choice.
If you want me, I'm here.
Stay.
I want to show you
guys something.
All of you that were together
from the very beginning
when the glee club
was just a dream.
Their new and final
resting places.
For as long
as McKinley's around,
all the students who travel
through this auditorium
are gonna see these.
And have absolutely no idea
who they are.
You know what? This is crazy.
Because I could really give
two poops about this place,
but this is
really getting to me.
I know. Why is that?
We were all raised
by different parents.
But we grew up together
in the glee club.
It's a part of all of us.
Of course you're sad about it.
I don't know, Mr. Schue.
With this and Finn,
it's kind of hard
to believe that anything lasts.
I don't have any more pep talks.
I just have you guys.
And the memory
of the people on this wall.
My friends.
I mean, we share
this special bond.
We're the only ones
in the world who-who know
what this glee club
meant to us.
What it felt like
to sing together.
To be... to be together.
And what it feels like
to say good-bye to it.
I didn't come here
to cheer you up.
Just to thank you.
To thank you for
going on this ride with me.
All right, come on.
We've still got
a few days until, uh,
Sue shuts the lights out
on the choir room, so...
let's make the most of them.
I mean, I know we got to
finish our wine first.
Mmm.
But when we do, we cannot let
that glee club go
the way of the dodo.
Oh, couldn't have said it
better myself.
Holly Holliday...
we're going to save
that glee club.