Glee (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 17 - Guilty Pleasures - full transcript

The members of New Directions perform songs that they're ordinarily too embarrassed to admit that they love.

So here's what you missed

Santana thought that Brody

was a drug dealer...
He's not a drug dealer.

...but it turns out
he's a gigolo.

And Santana figured it out
and told Finn...

Pack your bags. Finn went to New York,

beat the crap out of Brody
and told him to...

Stay away from my future wife!

And Rachel has no idea
any of this is going on. Yikes.

Will's still mad at Finn
for kissing Emma...

I'm so sorry.
Sorry's not going to cut it. Finn left the glee club
to go to college to become

a teacher, and Blaine's got a
crush on Sam, which he's had

every since the Sadie Hawkins
dance, but Sam just thinks that

he and Blaine are besties,
which they totally are,

but still... And that's
what you missed on... Glee!

Here. Don't tell anyone
and you don't have to thank me.

Dude, what are you doing?

It's only 50 bucks.
Just take the money.

I know what you've been up to,
and it just has to stop.

What are you talking about?

Last week, I found a shortcut

between my locker
and the parking lot...

walking through the cafeteria
cuts out 15 seconds

from my daily routine...
and yesterday I saw something.

Listen, I know your dad's been

and I just want to help.

Help you feed your family.

Hunger's a big problem
in this country.

Although so is obesity,
which is confusing.

Okay, can you promise
to keep a secret?

Yeah, of course.

I have been stealing pasta.

But it's not for dinner.


it's art.

So... what do you think?

Are those macaroni portraits?

They're my guilty pleasure.

My art teacher thinks
I'm some sort of a genius,

like the ugly guy in Shine
except with macaroni.

Is this Emma Stone?

And then you got LeAnn Rimes,

Ralph Macchio.

Those are the guys
from Duck Dynasty.

I even did Kurt.

The macaroni
really captures him.

Thank you for sharing this
with me.

This is really incredible.

Whoa, whoa, not so fast.

Now it's your turn. So...

My turn for what?

For your guilty pleasure.

I... I don't have
a guilty pleasure.

Okay, you're lying.

Everybody's got that one thing
that they like

that they're so ashamed of

that they refuse
to admit it to anybody.

I love...


The band Wham!

They're like my favorite
band of all time.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Tina.

Hey, Tina.

Did you hear the news?

Mr. Shue is out with
the flu this week.

Hey, uh, just curious. Are you
gonna go over to his house

and straddle him
while he's passed out

and rub some ointment on chest?

That's was a phase.

Anyway, don't bother coming
to Glee Club this week.

It's canceled.

Not necessarily.

Why are we here?
I thought Mr. Shue was sick.

Yeah, why are we here?

I was wondering the same thing.

Oh, come on, guys. Regionals
is only a few weeks away.

Even without an adviser, we can't
afford to miss one week of preparation.

Which is why Blaine and I asked
you all to come here.

We have come up with an
assignment for this week.

Please be songs about sweaters.


Guilty pleasures. Come on!

We all have some musical shame.
You know what I'm talking about.

You know, that secret love we dare
not speak, but when it comes out

on the radio,
you can't help but turn up

the volume and sing along?

Yeah, and we're
supposed to sing

one of those songs
for regionals?

No. Sam and I were speaking

just, like, shooting the crap

like two bros do, you know,

and we felt really safe
with each other.

So we decided to reveal
our guilty pleasures.

And it felt amazing. I mean,
letting go of this big secret

made me feel so good.

And figured if we all share
musical shame with each other,

we could all become a more
cohesive team for regionals.

Unique knows no shame, baby.

So, besides Unique, does anybody
else have something

they would like to share?

Guys, this is a great
team-building exercise.

Okay, well,
then you guys go first.

We thought instead of telling
you, we could... show you!

♪ You put the boom-boom
into my heart ♪

♪ You send my soul sky-high
when your loving starts ♪

♪ A jitterbug into my brain
♪ Yeah, yeah! ♪

♪ It goes bang-bang-bang
till my feet do the same ♪

♪ Something's bugging me,
something ain't right ♪

♪ My best friends told me what
you did last night ♪
♪ Uh, uh ♪

♪ You left me sleeping
in my bed ♪
♪ Uh, uh ♪

♪ I was dreaming, but I should
have been with you instead ♪

♪ Wake me up before you go-go

♪ Don't leave me hanging on
like a yo-yo ♪

♪ Wake me up before you go-go

♪ I don't want to miss it
when you hit that high ♪

♪ Wake me up before you go-go

♪ 'Cause I'm not planning
on going solo ♪

♪ Wake me up before you go-go

♪ Take me dancing tonight

♪ I want to hit that high

♪ Yeah-eah, yeah-eah

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah!

♪ Baby

♪ Whoo!
♪ Jitterbug

♪ Cuddle up, baby,
move in tight ♪

♪ We'll go dancing
tomorrow night ♪

♪ It's cold out there,
but it's warm in bed ♪

♪ They can dance,
we'll stay at home instead ♪

♪ Wake me up before you go-go,
don't you dare ♪

♪ Don't you leave me hanging on
like a yo-yo ♪

♪ Wake me up before you go-go ♪

♪ I don't want to miss it
when you hit that high ♪

♪ Take me dancing,
I want to go-go ♪

♪ Wake me up before you go-go ♪
♪ Oh

♪ 'Cause I'm not planning
on going solo ♪

♪ I want to go-go-go
♪ Wake me up before you go-go ♪

♪ Take me dancing tonight

♪ Wake me up before you go-go ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm not planning
on going solo ♪

♪ Yeah
♪ Wake me up before you go-go ♪

♪ Yeah...
♪ Take me dancing tonight ♪

♪ Oh, wake me up!

Guess what?

Everyone hates you.

Excuse me?

Maybe that's why nobody wants
to work with you.

I'm trying to change,
but my pastor says

even Jesus took baby steps.

Do you go to the
Church of Satan?

Because you're really mean.

You tell Marley that she's fat

even though your face
looks like a soccer ball,

and we both know that
blonds have magical powers,

like doing the splits
or turning Swedish.

You need to use your magical
powers for good and not evil.

And that is why I'm inviting you
to take off your Joker mask

and bare your soul
for the world to see.

What on God's good earth
are you talking about?

♪ Fondue for Two ♪
♪ Hey!

♪ Fondue for Two ♪

♪ That's some hot dish

♪ Fondue for Two! ♪

Tonight's guest is McKinley
High's biggest bitch,

the girl with the weird
lizard ears, Kitty.


that cat has
about three weeks to live

and this fondue smells
like hot acrid barf.

Thank you so much.
So, Kitty,

everyone at school hates you

because you're a two-faced lying
slut who no one can trust.

True. And yet everyone keeps
telling me their secrets,

so I must be doing
something right.

Touché. I think the problem is

that people haven't gotten
to know you yet.

So tonight, you, me
and Lord Tubbington

are gonna tell our deepest
darkest secrets.

You tell me
your guilty pleasures

and I'll tell you mine. Go.

Guilty pleasure?

I like to fart around
old people and watch the look

on their faces 'cause they just
assume they did it.

That's awesome. Me, too.

Okay, guilty pleasure.

When I look at
a white dog or cat,

I assume that they're racist.

Lord Tubbington's guilty
pleasure is Scientology.

Guilty pleasure. Bring it on.

Guilty pleasure.
Bring it on again.

Guilty pleasure.
Bring it on, all or nothing.

Bring it on, in it to win it.

Bring it on,
fight to the finish.

That one's horrible. There's no
way you could like that.

Guilty pleasure!

No, I can't say.

No, you can't do that.

Come on.
This is the safe space.

We're on the Internet.



It's too horrible.

Can you whisper it in my ear?

Oh, my God.

See, everybody, by acting out
our secret shames,

like Carly's traumatic

of potty training,

we become more
vulnerable as actors.

Kurt, you're up.

You want to see
some real acting?

You're looking at it,
because this is nothing

compared to my real
guilty secrets.

And as a gay man,
there are so many to pick from.

Like my obsessive marathons

- of powerhouse women-

Golden Girls, Murder She Wrote,
Moonlighting, Designing Women.

Or my very private Sweatin'
to the Oldies sessions on DVD

with the uncompromising
Richard Simmons.

But my most secret, my most
guilty pleasure of late?

My boyfriend arm.

I ordered it online one night
while on Ambien.

Yes, I know it's a little bit
Jeffrey Dahmer,

but what can I say?

I love being held in Bruce's
warm, non-judgmental embrace.

And yes, I named him Bruce.

That's my real guilty secret.

And if anyone ever found out,
especially Adam,

or God forbid, Blaine,

or even Rachel and Santana,
it would totally destroy me.

Dude, put some pants on.
I need to talk to you.

So, lately I've...
I've been battling

a really deep-seeded sense of
shame about something in my life,

and it's a secret
I've kept buried

for as long as I can remember.

Yeah, and I've been waiting

to, like, let it out and release this
inner sin that's tortured my insides.

Do-do you have
feelings for me?

What? Dude, no, come on.

I'm kidding. I'm just...

It's a million times worse
than that.

Well, until you can speak it,
you're gonna be stuck

in this shame spiral
forever, so...

Hey, you can...

you can trust me.
You can tell me anything.

I like Barry Manilow.

I said I like Barry Manilow.

No, no, no, you can't-you can't
say that in a locker room.

I know, I know, I know, but see,
I just relate to his stories:

The-the breakups,
the lost love.

Oh, and the rain, who shot who?

It's like he's
talking right to me.

Well, then I think
you need to come out

to everyone and say that.


Once you stop hiding,

you'll feel so much better.

You really think
I could just...

stand up in front
of everybody and

say that I'm a Fan-ilow?

Stop! As loyal fans
of Fondue for Two,

we demand to know what your
guilty pleasure is. Tell us.

None of your business.

Spice Girls.

I love the Spice Girls!

Okay, keep it down.
People are staring.

When I was little, I had
the Spice Girl movie on a loop.

I used to make their clothes
out of my grandmother's sheets.

I dreamed I was one of them.

We must do the Spice Girls.
It has to be done!

And this fierce black woman
will be Scary Spice.

Nothing scarier than a girl
with a penis.


Okay, this is ridiculous.
If I'm going to be paying

a third of the rent,

I'm going to be needing
a third of the shelf space.

Don't get too comfortable, okay?
This is only temporary.

I don't even think you need all
these beauty products, Rachel,

'cause they're not really having
the desired effect.

Unless you goal is to look like
a reject

from the Shahs of Sunset.

One, Rachel's beautiful.


you're a bitch,
and those are my products, okay?

And maybe if you used them,

you wouldn't have more oil than
the Middle East on your face.


That's really funny.

want to play with me, Kurt,

'cause I can play
all day every day.

What if I just told your BFF

about her BF
and his man-whoring ways?

We had a pact.

What if I broke that pact, huh?

What would you do?
Attack me

with your exfoliating loofah?

Okay, she can't find out

until after her
Funny Girl audition, all right?

That would wreck her.
Maybe if you made me

some space,
I'd care a little bit more.

I want that whole top row.

Ooh la la.

Rachel Berry in a towel.

How could Brody give
all that up?

You know what, not now, okay.

It's too soon.

Everything still reminds me
of him.

You know we first met
in the bathroom,

bonding over
our moisturizing ritual?

Wow, that sounds really
not romantic

and also very, very gay.

Is that why he left,
huh? Did he finally

admit to having a boyfriend
on the side?

You know, he actually didn't
even say why.

I don't understand
what's happening.

Why won't you talk to me?

We'll always be friends.


That is the most clichéd
breakup line ever.

You're not gonna be friends,
and you don't need him.

I mean, you've got friends
right here.

What? Friends who mock my looks
and undermine my confidence?

No, friends who cheer you up

by playing pranks
on your other friend.

What are you talking about?

Maybe a mascara mustache
for Lady Hummel,

which would probably be
the only facial hair

he's ever had,
or we could do that

make-him-wet-the-bed trick?

Lady's choice.

What the hell is that?

Oh, my God,

the curtain means privacy.

Oh, my God, Kurt.

That thing is really creepy.

What is that?

I thought it was stupid
the first time I saw it, too,

but I kept thinking
about the ad.

You know, "Are you lonely?
Do you need companionship?"

"Yes, yes,
I need all those things."

It just offers you a nice, protective arm
around you while you sleep at night.

Hey, I mean, it's probably safer

than trolling Grindr
for a man-whore.

Did you name it?

His name is Bruce,
and we're exclusive.

So you cannot borrow him.

Oh, my gosh.

I love Barry Manilow.

I mean, not just,

you know, the Barry Manilow
Love on Ice Tour,

but-but I think

he's an amazing songwriter
and performer,

an I also believe
he's underappreciated,

has amazing hair,

and has done a hell
of a lot of good for this world

through his
light-rock talent.

This is who I am,
and I make no apologies.

♪ Her name was Lola

♪ She was a showgirl

♪ With yellow feathers
in her hair ♪

♪ And a dress cut
down to there ♪

♪ She would merengue

♪ And do the cha-cha

♪ And while she tried
to be a star ♪

♪ Tony always tended bar

♪ Across the crowded floor

♪ They worked from 8:00
till 4:00 ♪

♪ They were young
and they had each other ♪

♪ Who could ask for more?

♪ At the Copa, Copacabana
♪ Copa ♪

♪ Copacabana ♪

♪ The hottest spot north
of Havana ♪

♪ Here at the Copa ♪ Copa ♪

♪ Copacabana

♪ Music and passion

♪ Were always the fashion

♪ At the Copa

♪ They fell in love

♪ Copa ♪

♪ Copacabana ♪

♪ His name was Rico

♪ He wore a diamond

♪ He was escorted to his chair

♪ He saw Lola dancing there

♪ And when she finished

♪ He called her over

♪ But Rico went a bit too far

♪ Tony sailed across the bar

♪ And then the punches flew

♪ And chairs were smashed
in two ♪

♪ There was blood
and a single gunshot ♪

♪ But just who shot who?

♪ At the Copa, Copacabana
♪ Copa ♪

♪ Copacabana ♪

♪ The hottest spot north
of Havana ♪

♪ Here at the Copa

♪ Copa ♪

♪ Copacabana

♪ Music and passion
were always the fashion ♪

♪ At the Copa

♪ Don't fall in love

♪ Copa ♪

♪ Don't fall in love
♪ Copacabana ♪

♪ Copacabana ♪
♪ Don't fall in love

♪ Copacabana ♪

♪ Copacabana.

That was so brave.

I'm so proud of you, baby.

You've given me the courage

to stand... well,

sit in front of my peers
and proudly state

that I'm a Fan-ilow as well.


I like him, too.

Music aside,
the guy's got style.

All right, if it was '79,
I'd be rocking

the Manilow center part
instead of the Bieber.

Are you guys kidding?
You guys really like Barry, huh?

Dude, everyone loves Barry,

but thank you for making us
finally say it out loud.

Go Sam.

We love the Barry!

Best number ever!

Okay, everyone,

it's time to decide
which Spice Girls

we're all going to be.

Mercedes, I don't
think that you should be Scary Spice

just because your black.

Excuse you? I think
that it's really racist

that the Scary Spice
is the only black one.

Marley should be Posh Spice
because you're so skinny

and you make everyone

Kitty, I think that you

should be Ginger Spice
and I can be Sporty Spice.

So if I'm not Scary Spice,
does that mean I'm Baby Spice?

Sorry I'm late, guys.

Tina, you can be
the Scary Spice.

The black one?
That doesn't make any sense.

That's what I said.

Oh, my God, guys,
you will not believe

what just happened.
It's so horrible,

I'm not even sure
I can repeat it.


Tell me it's not true.

Tell me you're not planning
to sing a Chris Brown song.

Looks like our guilty
pleasure lesson

has really been taking
over the school.

Yeah, that kid's always had

a really weird obsession
with culottes.

What's up?

Uh, here's the thing.

Uh, so far this week, you know,
you've been

talking the talk;
But now I need you

To walk the walk, pilgrim.

I've been honest about my guilty
pleasures, and I even wore

- those tiny little Wham! Sh...
- Shh.

I wore those
tiny little Wham! Shorts,

and we did that great
number, but now

it's your turn to be honest,

because you haven't
really been yet so far.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Well, you know, you're only as
sick as your secrets, dude,

and that's what this
week's assignment

is really about.

This is your chance

to really set an example
for the glee club.

What's yours gonna be?

Really? Seriously?

I don't understand
what you're all so upset about.

That's why it's upsetting.

Look, look, I get that
Chris Brown is a douchebag.

I don't think that douche
is a strong enough word

to describe Chris Brown. He
brutally beat up his girlfriend.

He beat up a window
at Good Morning America.

He says horribly misogynistic
things on Twitter.

What about the Frank Ocean fight
in the parking lot?

But mostly, he beat up
his girlfriend, Rihanna,

and then he got a picture
of a battered woman

tattooed on his neck; the dude is psychopath.
I know, listen,

I know, and that is why
I chose his song, okay?

The assignment
was guilty pleasures.

I like his music,
and I feel guilty about it.

You like his music?

Some of it, yeah. I mean,

I don't think all of it's bad.

It doesn't mean that I like him,
and it doesn't mean

that I think
that he's a role model.

We do Whitney Houston songs,
okay, Britney Spears songs,

and none of them
are any role models.

You shut your mouth!
And what about Rihanna?

Do we really think
that bad girl RiRi

is some kind of a role model?

I mean, she's the one
who got back together

with him.
Are you kidding me?

Yes, seriously, we always do
Rihanna songs, and do we always

agree with everything
that she says and does?

Are we saying that it's okay

to go back to somebody
that abuses you?

No, we're not.

Look, all I am saying
is that I think

that we should be able
to separate

the art from the artist.

Well, I don't think you should, and
personally, I can't listen to his music

without thinking about
the horrible person behind it.

I agree,

and if there was a list
of people's music

that we should never do
in this room,

Chris Brown would be at the top

of that list.
And unfortunately,

we live in a democracy,

so we can't force you
to do anything.

We just really think
you should think about it.

Chris Brown's a total
powder keg, dude.

No peeking.


I'm peeking.
Peek, peek, peek, peek, peek.

Oh, my God.

Kurt, you gave my boyfriend
pillow a sex change.

That's so sweet.

A little perfume and voilà.

If you ever tell anyone
about this,

I have no ethical problems
with Hummel-cide.

You don't seem as excited
about yours.

This is weird,

and I'm not lonely.

Okay, I don't need
anything to cuddle with.

Just 'cause Brody moved out
doesn't mean

that we're not gonna
get back together.

Okay, no.


I'm sorry.

It is over,
and it's gonna stay over.

I was wrong Brody
being a drug dealer,

but I was just wrong
about what he was selling.

Your boyfriend
wasn't a caterwaiter,

he was gigolo.

Like Magic Mike

with happy endings for money.

That's not true, right?

You didn't... you
didn't know about that.

It's not true, right?


You're welcome.

Why did you have to do that?

It was for her own good.

♪ How can I just let you
walk away ♪

♪ Just let you leave
without a trace ♪

♪ When I stand here taking
every breath ♪

♪ With you?

♪ Ooh

♪ You're the only one

♪ Who really knew me at all

♪ How can you
just walk away from me ♪

♪ When all I can do
is watch you leave? ♪

♪ 'Cause we shared the laughter
and the pain ♪

♪ We even shared the tears

♪ You're the only one

♪ Who really knew me at all

♪ So take a look at me now

♪ Now there's just
an empty space ♪

♪ And there's nothing
left here ♪

♪ To remind me

♪ Just the memory of your face

♪ I wish I could just
make you turn around ♪

♪ Turn around and see me cry

♪ There's so much
I need to say to you ♪

♪ There are so
many reasons why ♪

♪ You're the only one

♪ Who really knew me at all

♪ Oh, so take a look
at me now ♪

♪ Now there's just
an empty space ♪

♪ And there's
nothing left here ♪

♪ To remind me

♪ Just the memory of your face

♪ Now take a look at me now

♪ 'Cause I'll still
be standing here ♪

♪ You coming back to me
is against all odds ♪

♪ It's the chance
I've got to take ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm

♪ So take a look at me now

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, ooh

♪ So take a look at me

♪ Now.

So, who was that
about exactly, Blaine?

Shut it. Uh, it was
about Kurt, obviously.

That breakup's still
a fresh wound.

But it's really about
the musical genius

of Phil Collins, and like
any musician of his time,

when you dominate that period
with such success,

people tend to make fun
of you and put them down,

but the truth is he's
a musical legend, and I'm tired

of people making fun of him.

And I'm gonna dedicate
a good part of my future

ensuring that his genius
is understood and appreciated.

I am no longer in the closet

about my love for Phil Collins.

All right, everybody, give it up
for Blaine Anderson.

All right, so it's been a really
great week so far, you guys,

but now we are ready to present

a double feature of
guilty pleasures.

Starting off with our
very own spicy ladies,

girl power to the extreme...

The Spice Girls!

♪ Yo, I'll tell you what I want,
what I really, really want ♪

♪ So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want ♪

♪ I'll tell you what I want,
what I really, really want ♪

♪ So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want ♪

♪ I wanna hah, I wanna hah,
I wanna hah, I wanna hah ♪

♪ I wanna really, really,
really, wanna zigazig, ah ♪

♪ If you want my future

♪ Forget my past

♪ If you want to get with me

♪ Better make it fast

♪ Now don't go wasting

♪ My precious time

♪ Get your act together

♪ We could be just fine

♪ I'll tell you what I want,
what I really, really want ♪

♪ So tell me what you want,
what you really, really want ♪

♪ I wanna hah, I wanna hah,
I wanna hah, I wanna hah ♪

♪ I wanna really, really,
really wanna zigazig, ah ♪

♪ If you want to be my lover

♪ You got to get
with my friends ♪

♪ Make it last forever

♪ Friendship never ends

♪ If you want to be my lover

♪ You have got to give

♪ Taking is too easy

♪ But that's the way it is

♪ So here's the story
from A to Z ♪

♪ You want to get with me,
you got to listen carefully ♪

♪ We got Em in the place
who likes it in your face ♪

♪ We got G like MC
who likes it on ♪

♪ An Easy V who doesn't come

♪ For free, she's a real lady

♪ And as for me, ha-ha,
you'll see ♪

♪ Slam your body down
and wind it all around ♪

♪ Slam your body down and wind
it all around ♪

♪ If you want to be my lover

♪ You got to get with my
friends ♪
♪ Got to get with my

♪ Make it last forever
♪ Friends

♪ Friendship never ends

♪ If you want to be my lover

♪ You have got to give

♪ You've got to give
♪ Taking is too easy

♪ But that's the way it is

♪ If you want to be my lover
you gotta, you gotta ♪

♪ You gotta, you gotta
you gotta ♪

♪ Make it last forever

♪ Slam your body down
and wind it all around ♪

♪ Slam your body down and wind
it all around ♪

♪ Huh, huh, huh, huh, huh

♪ Slam your body down
and wind it all around ♪

♪ Slam your body down
and zigazig, ah ♪

♪ Uh, uh-uh

♪ Oh, whoa-oh

♪ Oh, oh

♪ If you want to be my lover.

Best thing ever!


how did it feel to be so open

about your Spice love?


We only hope you can see us
for who we really are.

I applaud your courage in such
an openly Spice-phobic time.

Especially you, Kitty...
actually I don't think I've

ever seen you so, uh...

So what?

Happy to be part of the team.

Ooh, that's 'cause
my girl is spicy!

Well, great job, ladies.

That was-that was
just fantastic.

Everybody, please settle down

and welcome Mr. Jake Puckerman
to the stage.

Down with the Brown. Team
Breezy equals Team Awful.

Look, listen, stop.

Stop, listen.
I hear you, okay?

I'm still gonna perform
a Brown song,

but it will not be Chris.

♪ Yeah, get up

♪ Hey

♪ Yeah, get up

♪ Oh, get busy

♪ Everybody's talking

♪ All this stuff about me

♪ Why don't they just

♪ Let me live

♪ They say I'm crazy

♪ I really don't care

♪ That's my prerogative

♪ They say I'm nasty

♪ But I don't give a damn

♪ Getting girls is how I live

♪ Some ask me questions

♪ Why am I so real

♪ But they don't understand me

♪ Or really don't
know the deal about ♪

♪ A brother

♪ Trying hard to make it right

♪ Not long ago

♪ Before I win this fight
♪ Sing ♪

♪ Everybody's talking

♪ All this stuff about me

♪ Why don't they just

♪ Let me live, tell my why

♪ I don't need permission

♪ Make my own decisions

♪ Oh ♪ That's my prerogative ♪

♪ It's my prerogative

♪ It's my prerogative ♪

♪ I can do what I want to do

♪ It's my prerogative ♪

♪ Tell me, tell me why

♪ Can't I

♪ Live my life

♪ Live my life ♪

♪ Without all of the things

♪ That people say

♪ Ah, yeah

♪ Everybody's talking ♪

♪ All this stuff about me ♪
♪ Everybody's talking

♪ Why don't they
just let me live ♪

♪ Ooh...

♪ It's my prerogative.

Cheese and rice,
you scared me, Tina.

My name is Vicki,

I am an android.

I'm fantastic.

Made of plastic.
She's Vicki the robot girl

from Small Wonder.

The TV cult classic.
Small Wonder

has made me the woman I am
today, free to speak my mind

and think outside the box.
Good afternoon, Jake.

Hey, Vicki.

That's it... I've reached
my guilty pleasures

nobody-cares-about limit.

I've got to go talk
to some normal people.

I'm out of here.
Wait, wait, hold on.

I need to apologize first, okay?

I didn't know about
the Bobby Brown thing.

You do realize that

Bobby Brown allegedly

got Whitney Houston
hooked on crack, right?

Let me get this straight.

You know about
Vicki the robot girl,

but you didn't know
about Bobby and Whitney?

I'm out of here.

I will follow you.
No, go away.


Hey, okay?

So, this week has
made me kind of crazy.

And I get why we don't
support Chris Brown.

But, I mean, does
it really matter

what a couple of
high school kids think?

Maybe not.

But every ocean starts with
one drop of water, right?

I sound like my grandma.

Hey... so are we okay?

You know, I have
a guilty pleasure

I haven't told you about.

Please don't say me 'cause
that would be very cheesy.

Oh, my God.

Actually it's anything
starring Jessica Simpson.


now that you mention it.


What's this?

I was hoping that I could have
dinner with you tonight.

I'm sorry, is it not enough?

I wasn't sure what the going
rate was these days

for male hookers.

Don't judge me.
Oh, really?

For selling your body?

Not everybody has
doting daddies

to pay their bills.

I'm such an idiot.

I'm such an idiot.

You told me
that if we were honest

with each other
that anything was possible.

Why did you lie to me?

Why did you lie to me?

When did I lie to you?

Who do you think
did this to my face?

Your ex-fiancé.

He jumped out of a bathroom,
went all Frankenstein on me.

Finn came all the way here
to do that?


And who's the liar now?

I know you still love him.

And I know that you slept
with him at that wedding.

Did Santana tell you that?

No one had to tell me.

Look, I'm sorry that
I lied about all

that stuff, okay,
but I meant everything

that I ever said about
how I feel about you.

You're right,
I haven't been, uh...

...completely honest with you.

I think that there
was a part of me

that was... using this.

Partly to make Finn
jealous and, um,

the other part to just...

fill my own personal heartache.

So, what, this is...

it's just over?

Yeah, uh... feels like it is.

Seeing you around
is really gonna suck.

♪ When you were here before

♪ Couldn't look you in the eye

♪ You're just like an angel

♪ Your skin makes me cry

♪ Oh, you float
like a feather ♪

♪ In a beautiful world

♪ Oh, I wish I was special

♪ You're so very special

♪ Oh...

♪ But I'm a creep

♪ I'm a creep...

♪ I'm a weirdo

♪ I'm a weirdo...

♪ What the hell
am I doing here? ♪

♪ What the hell am I
doing here? ♪

♪ I don't belong here

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh...

♪ She's

♪ Running out

♪ The door...

♪ She's running out

♪ She run, run, run

♪ Run...

♪ Run...

♪ Whatever makes you happy

♪ Whatever you want

♪ You're so very special

♪ I wish I was special

♪ But I'm a creep

♪ I'm a weirdo

♪ What the hell
am I doing here? ♪

♪ I don't belong here

♪ Mm, I don't
belong here. ♪

What's that?

I wanted to do one more Phil
Collins song before they made us

put our guilty pleasures
back in the closet.

Well, maybe we don't have to.

I mean, everybody
seems to be having

so much fun with them
out on the table.

Maybe life's just
better this way.

I don't know about that.

I think if we always
indulged ourselves

in that kind of thing,
I think we'd make

a lot of people
pretty uncomfortable.

You don't have to
be uncomfortable.

Dude, it's okay.
I-I get it.


your guilty pleasure is me.


I mean, I-I've known all
year, and you know, frankly,

I'm an attractive
guy, and you are

into dudes, and if you weren't

into me, I'd probably
be pretty offended.

Hm-hm, um... you're...

not freaked out?

Because... I don't want
to jeopardize our friendship.

I mean, you've been there for me Dude.
Okay. Just stop.

Throughout this whole Kurt thing...
Nothing's gonna change.

Stop. Nothing is
going to change.


Okay? We're like...
we're like brothers.

I trust you,

and you know, to
tell you the truth,

the attention feels
kind of... kind of good.

It-It's flattering.

Hug it out.
Let's go.

Come on.
Hug it out.



Dude, um...

please tell me that that is only

a pack of Life Savers
in your pocket.

Oh, yeah, no,
they're breath mints.

Do you want one?

Uh, yeah, sure.

All right.

Mm, thanks.

All right.

Let's go lead one more class.

I have a song that everyone's
gonna love, so...

Wait up.

This... this is crazy.

This show is like crack.

I cannot believe this
was on regular TV.

I thought you'd like this
Facts of Life marathon.

Thank God I recorded
six months of it on the DVR.

Thank you, TV Land!

Okay, so please tell me

that the chick on
this motorcycle

and that super bitch get
together in the end.

They do not, but...

George Clooney joins
the cast later No way.

As the handyman
with a heart of gold.

Oh, I love those guys.

And a mullet.
Okay, we have to turn this into

a musical so that
I can play Jo.

Can I be Blair,
and we can do a duet?


that depends on

what, uh, happened with you
and the American Psycho.

Yeah, we had a-a pretty mature

and honest conversation.

You know, we decided that

we're obviously gonna
be professional,

because we're gonna see
each other all the time,

and be in each other's
lives because we go

to the same school.

But, um...

but yeah, it's... it's over.

For real.

And, you know,
I really have you to thank.

Because you didn't give up,

and you really were trying

to make me see, and...

I-I appreciate you

getting Finn to come
and defend my honor.

I know that was you,


I swear I will never

doubt your Mexican psychic
third eye ever again.

Why the long face?
You've got a hot

boyfriend pillow
in there named Colin.

I named him Colin after
the non-threatening boy

in The Secret Garden,
'cause I know you loved it.

Don't be sad.

I'm not.

I'm good, I...

I feel... ready.

You know? I-I-I'm ready

for my Funny Girl audition,

and to maybe start
seeing older guys...


And I'm definitely ready for

our new and permanent roommate.

But I'm gonna use the pity card
just for a second,

since I am the one
that is heartbroken

and going through a breakup

and found out that my boyfriend
was some weirdo man-whore,

I'm gonna get to pick
the movie tonight, okay?

And I think we should pick...

the best guilty pleasure
movie musical ever.

♪ I've been cheated by you

♪ Since I don't know when

♪ So I've made up my mind

♪ It must come to an end

♪ Mm, look at me now

♪ Will I ever learn?

♪ I don't know how

♪ But I suddenly lose control

♪ There's a fire
within my soul ♪

♪ Just one look,
and I can hear a bell ring ♪

♪ One more look,
and I forget everything ♪

♪ Oh-oh

♪ Mamma mia

♪ Here I go again

♪ My, my,
how can I resist ya? ♪

♪ Mamma mia

♪ Does it show again?

♪ My, my

♪ Just how much I've missed ya

♪ I've been angry inside
about things that you do ♪

♪ I can't count all the times

♪ That I told you
we're through ♪

♪ And when you go

♪ When you slam the door

♪ I think you know

♪ That you won't be
away too long ♪

♪ You know that
I'm not that strong ♪

♪ Just one look

♪ And I can hear a bell ring

♪ One more look,
and I forget everything ♪

♪ Whoa-oa

♪ Mamma mia

♪ Here I go again

♪ My, my, how can I resist ya?

♪ Mamma mia,
does it show again? ♪

♪ My, my,
just how much I missed ya ♪

♪ Yes, I've been brokenhearted

♪ Ooh, since the day we parted

♪ Why, why

♪ Did I ever let you go?

♪ Mamma mia ♪ Mamma mia

♪ Now I really know

♪ My, my

♪ I could never let you go

♪ Mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba,
mm-ba, mm-ba, mm-ba ♪

♪ Whoa-oa-oa

♪ Oh-oh oh

♪ Whoa-oa-oa

♪ Oh-oh oh

♪ Mamma mia.