Glee (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 13 - Diva - full transcript

Finn challenges the Glee Club members to find their inner powerhouses for "Diva Week." Emma prepares for her upcoming wedding.

Look at her.

This class is supposed to be
Free Sing... for everyone...

but Rachel
hasn't stopped screeching

like a third-rate Maria Callas
since the bell rang.

Because I'm her best friend,
I can say this...

Rachel's always been
a little insufferable,

but ever since she won
Winter Showcase,

her ego and behaviour
are out of control.

At home she uses up
all the hot water,

leaves rings in the tub,

and don't get me started



on the hair extensions
clogging the sink.

At school
she eschews my company

and instead surrounds herself
with easily awed sycophants.

Oh, my God, Rachel.

of "Funny Girl" is finally
happening this season.

You have to audition.

I couldn't.

Okay, there is only
one Fanny Brice,

and that is
the Ms Barbra Streisand.

But you're
Barbra's heir apparent.

You gonna get that?
On some level.

I always knew
this would happen...

that, as Rachel's star rose,

so, too, would her prima donna-
like tendencies.



Yes, it's become clear to me:

This Sarah Brightman
in training

needs to be knocked down
a few pegs,

and I'm the only one
who can do it.

I can't do this,
I can't do this.

There's ten days to
the wedding, and I have

all these choices
to make by myself.

I mean, I know Will trusts me,

but I'm a Libra...
I can't do this.

Well, when does he get back?

End of the week,

but it was a big success.

Will said that they got

Congress to agree to cut
federal arts funding

in schools by 35% instead of 50.

- Pretty amazing.
- Yeah.

So, are you guys going
on a honeymoon

or something?

Um, I'm sure we will.

Will keeps suggesting
Costa Rica, but,

I mean, us gingers can't be
that close to the equator.

Why are you asking?

I just assumed
that Mr Shue is going

to want his glee club back.

Well, look, I-I don't think
you need to worry

about Will kicking you
out on the street,

especially not after you did

such an extraordinary job
while he was gone.

I mean, you coached a
really inexperienced team

all the way to Regionals.

I think
that's pretty impressive.

Regionals is
a different ball game.

You need these big,
brassy voices

to bully the competition...
Rachel, Santana, Mercedes,

- even Kurt.
- Blaine can do that.

Yeah, but it's, it's about more
than just being able to sing.

It's about the attitude,
you know?

- Yeah.
- Those kids didn't just want to win,

they wanted to crush
the competition.

Well, maybe you should have
a lesson that toughens 'em up.

You know, I mean,
weren't there weeks

where Will had you guys
competing against each other?

That's the perfect idea,
Miss Pillsbury, thank you.

You're very welcome.

And you can be our special celebrity
guest judge to help decide who wins.

Diva.

So, now that we're
back in the game,

we've got to come strong.

Diva Week is all about finding
your inner powerhouse.

- Miss Pillsbury.
- That's right.

The Online Urban Dictionary
defines a diva as

"a fierce, often temperamental
singer who comes correct.

"She is not a trick-ass ho

and she does not sweat da haterz."

Great, so I guess the guys

- are screwed this week.
- Um...

Guys can be divas.

That's right, we
all have inner divas.

I myself have been considered
quite a diva

at many a local restaurant

because I know what I want
and I will send a dish back.

You all might as well just quit while
you're ahead because there are only

two ways to spell Unique,
and one of them is.

D-I-V-A... Diva.
M'kay? Shanté, I stay,

and it will be brought, dished
out, and served and mopped up

by the time you
even pick out a wig.

Looking at you,
clocking that sadness.

I have more diva in my little
finger than you have

in your whole angry inch, Wade-Unique.

Tina, you've kind of been
talking some ridiculous trash

for months, unchallenged,
and that stops now.

Use that finger, use that snap.

Listen, guys can be divas.

You guys, I'm going
to win Diva Week.

And do you know how I know
that? It's because...

♪ Ho... ♪
♪ I'm a, a diva ♪

♪ Yeah, a diva... ♪
♪ I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪
♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a, a diva,
I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪
♪ I'm a diva ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Na, na, na, diva is a
female version of a hustla ♪

♪ Of a hustla, of a, of a hustla ♪
♪ Yeah, oh ♪

♪ Stop the track, let me state facts ♪

♪ I told you, give me a minute
and I'll be right back ♪

♪ 50 million 'round the world,
and they said ♪

♪ That I couldn't get it ♪

♪ I done got so sick and filthy
with Benjis, I can't spend it ♪

♪ How you gonna be talkin'? You
act like I just got up in it ♪

♪ Been the number one diva
in this game or a minute ♪

♪ I know you read the paper,
the one that they call a queen ♪

♪ Every radio 'round the world know me ♪

♪ 'Cause that's where I be ♪

♪ I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a, a diva,
I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪
♪ I'm a diva ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪

♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Na, na, na, diva is a
female version of a hustla ♪

♪ Of a hustla ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Of a, of a hustla ♪

♪ Na, na, na, diva is a
female version of a hustla ♪

♪ Of a hustla, of a, of a hustla ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Since 15 in my stilettos,
been struttin' in this game ♪

♪ What's your age? ♪

♪ Was the question they asked
when I hit the stage ♪

♪ I'm a diva, best believe her,
you see her, she gettin' paid ♪

♪ She ain't callin' him to greet her ♪

♪ Don't need him, her bed's made ♪

♪ This is a stick-up, stick-up ♪

♪ I need them bags, uh, that money ♪

♪ All my ladies get it up ♪

♪ I see you, I do the same ♪

♪ Take it to another level,
no passengers on my plane ♪

♪ Diva is a female version of a hustla ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ I'm a diva ♪
♪ I'm a, a diva, I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪

♪ I'm a diva ♪
♪ I'm a, I'm a, a diva ♪

♪ I'm a, I'm a, a diva, hey! ♪

And that

is how I made the manager cry
at the Cheesecake Factory...

by being a diva.

Yay, divas.

Oh, hey, you're awake.

An hour before my alarm clock.
- Oh, when you're in there,

can you make me a little
tea, please, with some honey

and lemon? You know, it's
really good for my throat.

Sure, I'll just run down
to the store and get you some.

I'll take that as a no.

An incredibly rude no
that deserves an explanation.

Okay, Rachel, truth time.

You have been a nightmare
ever since the Winter Showcase.

I knew it... it was only
a matter of time

before you became jealous
of all of my success.

And just when we were
getting inseparable.

Oh... we became close

because you became tolerable,

but now you've got that weird

naked boyfriend and that
weird Legion of Sycophants.

Now you are like,
you're like an annoying,

self-righteous Lima Rachel
on steroids.

You know what? Let me give you
a little bit of truth, Kurt.

Okay, the only reason
why Carmen Tibideaux

even let you sing at
the Winter Showcase

was because she knew that
you and I were friends.

You might have won the showcase,
but my performance

was the one
that everyone was talking about

because I blew you away

and I can do it again.

Midnight Madness...

you and me,
head-to-head.

I wouldn't do that
if I were you, babe.

Oh, why not?

'Cause I already beat you once.

Diva-Off sophomore year.

Remember?

Only because I threw it.

That high F in "Defying Gravity"?

I can hit that baby
in my sleep.

I tanked the note on purpose.

Okay, why would you do that?

'Cause I didn't want to win.

I wanted to save my dad
the embarrassment

of having his son sing
a song written for a woman.

I don't believe you.

Take that back.

I can't... it's truth time.

That was my first big win.

That was the foundation
that I built

all of my confidence on
for the past two years.

Aw, consider it cracked.

Get ready
for Diva-Off Part Two,

and this time
I'm not throwing anything.

Enjoy your tea.

Here, I put together a
little cold buster kit

for you.

Cool, uh, how did you know?

Your nose was red yesterday.

Start off with cough drops,
then two packs of vitamin C,

a cup of my homemade
Chinese chicken soup,

and finish
with my secret weapon...

nighttime cold medicine.

Aw, thank you.

I really appreciate
this. It's gonna

have me feeling
better in no time,

except for maybe the
nighttime cold medicine.

Why? It's amazing.

Just makes me really sleepy
and woozy, which is something

I can't afford to be right now,

not with Diva Week
in full swing.

I want to be able to prove
that men can be divas, too,

which is why I'm
gonna give them

a full dose of some
Freddie Mercury...

just to show how the
boys can really bring

some diva attitude.

Mr Anderson, you find new
ways to inspire me every day.

Aw.
Thanks, Tina.

♪ Tonight
I'm gonna have myself ♪

♪ A real good time

♪ I feel ali-i-i-ive

♪ And the world

♪ Turnin' inside out, yeah

♪ I'm floating around
in ecstasy, so... ♪

♪ Don't stop me now ♪

♪ Don't stop me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm havin' a good time,
havin' a good time ♪

♪ I'm a shootin' star,
leapin' through the sky ♪

♪ Like a tiger
defyin' the laws of gravity ♪

♪ I'm a racin' car passin' by
like Lady Godiva ♪

♪ I'm gonna go, go, go

♪ There's no stoppin' me

♪ I'm burnin'
through the sky, yeah ♪

♪ 200 degrees, that's why
they call me Mr Fahrenheit ♪

♪ I'm travellin'
at the speed of light ♪

♪ I wanna make
a supersonic woman of you ♪

♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me,
don't stop me ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey

♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me,
ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I like it
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me ♪

♪ Have a good time, good time

♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me ♪

♪ Oh...

♪ Boys, all right!

♪ Oh, I'm burnin'
through the sky, yeah ♪

♪ 200 degrees, that's why
they call me Mr Fahrenheit ♪

♪ I'm travellin'
at the speed of light ♪

♪ I wanna make
a supersonic man out of you ♪

♪ Don't stop me now ♪

♪ I'm havin' such a good time,
I'm havin' a ball ♪

♪ Don't stop me now ♪

♪ If you wanna have a good time,
just give me a call ♪

♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm havin' a good time ♪

♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ Yes, I'm havin' a good time

♪ I don't want to stop at

♪ All...

They say that true divas
aren't really mortal.

They're more like the Loch
Ness Monster or, or Smeagol.

Divas walk...

- Yeah...
- And they talk and they breathe brilliance,

so here to demonstrate
that elusive brilliance

is a very special guest diva.

Raven-Symoné.
- All the way

from Louisville, give it up
for Miss Santana Lopez.

[Ike and Tina Turner's "Nutbush City Limits"]

♪ A church house gin house

♪ A schoolhouse outhouse

♪ On highway number 19

♪ The people keep
the city clean ♪

♪ They call it Nutbush

♪ Oh, Nutbush

♪ Call it Nutbush City Limits

♪ Nutbush City ♪

♪ 20 fields on weekdays

♪ And have a picnic
on Labour Day ♪

♪ You got to town on Saturday

♪ But go to church
every Sunday ♪

♪ They call it Nutbush ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Oh, Nutbush ♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Call it Nutbush City Limits
♪ Nutbush City Limits ♪

♪ Hey ♪ Nutbush City ♪

♪ No whiskey for sale

♪ You can't cop no bail

♪ Salt pork and molasses
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Is all you get in jail
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ They call it Nutbush

♪ Oh, Nutbush

♪ They call it Nutbush City
♪ Nutbush City ♪

♪ Nutbush City Limits
♪ City Limits ♪

♪ A quiet little old community

♪ A one-horse town

♪ You have to watch

♪ What you're putting down

♪ Nutbush City Limits

♪ Nutbush City ♪ Nutbush City ♪

♪ Oh, Nutbush

♪ They call it Nutbush

♪ They call it
Nutbush City Limits. ♪

Yes!

Santana, that was simply

the greatest moment

in show business history.

But how come you didn't tell me
you were coming to town?

You know, I think that
the better question is,

why didn't you tell me
that you were dating Sam?

I had just left a comment on
my favourite "Rizzoli & Isles"

lesbian subtext blog
when I heard the news.

One word: Bram.

Gotta go, hon.

Oh, and before I forget,
allow me to introduce

my backup, and my girlfriend,

Elaine.

And by girlfriend,

I mean out and proud,
lipstick-loving,

AfterEllen-reading
girlfriend.

That was so good.

Okay, so if I'm gonna win
this Midnight Madness thing,

which I am, then I'm gonna need
to know exactly what it is.

NYADA's fight club,

but singing instead of punching.

Twice a year,

we break into a classroom

for a no-holds-barred
sing-off to the death.

Winner gets ultimate
bragging rights

for the rest of the time
that they're at NYADA,

loser gets
shamed and humiliated.

Hm. Well, then I guess

I'm gonna have to beat Kurt.

- Oh, don't worry, you will.
- Hmm.

We all heard about Taylor the
Latte Boy challenging you,

and... it's a joke.

Like those outfits of his?

Now, everyone knows

the only reason
Hummel got in is 'cause

he's Carmen's
pet turtle-face.

And signing up for
Adam's Apples?

He might as well
wear a sign around his neck

that says, "I am pathetic",

please club me to death."

Kurt earned his place here
at NYADA same as you two.

Excuse me?

It's okay, Rachel.

I've dealt with a lot worse

than bitchy gossip.

However I got here,
the point is, I'm here.

And me, my outfits,
and my turtle-face

aren't going anywhere.

We'll see about that
at Midnight Madness.

So, how did you find out?

She changed her Facebook
relationship status

to "Shacked up".

Mine's still "Heartbroken".

I haven't been interested

in other women since
Rachel and I broke up.

Well, maybe it's time to be.

There's a great new math sub.

- I know she's a little... but...
- She's like 26.

What do... what
do I have to offer

a grown woman like that?

I'm just a man-boy.

I get what it feels like
to be lonely.

I haven't really
felt like myself

since Will's been away,
and it's kind of scary.

You know, sometimes
you feel like

it's the only feeling
you're ever

gonna have in the world.

And it will be,

until you get back
in the saddle.

Thanks, Miss Pillsbury.

Honestly, you're
the only person here

who can always cheer me up.

Mr Shue's a lucky guy.

He really is.

Oh, um, but don't just thank me.

You can pay me back by, um,

helping me pick
a centrepiece arrangement.

Sure.
Yeah?

Option number one,

or...

option number two.

I'd go with the white one,

because blue

is like the colour of sad,

and white

is the colour of pure, like you.

That's exactly what I thought.

I'm gonna mark this
off my list.

And I didn't even have to

lay out a line of cereal

for you to find me.

I thought you loved Brittany.

I mean, I can't
believe you're making

what's going on
with me and her about you.

You're naive to think
that this isn't about me.

I broke up with Brittany.

This is just her revenge.

She could have

dated anyone, boy or girl.

But no. She chose you.

The one person she knew would send
my brain straight to Lima's Heights.

Okay, you know what?
Brittany doesn't

understand revenge.
Brittany is love.

Listen up, Lipsy McChapstick.

This is going to end.

Soon as Brittany
realises that you are

the most boring human being
on the planet,

- and that your impressions suck.
- And then what?

You're... you're going
to date her again?

Long distance?

It didn't work, you
said it yourself.

One step at a time.
First, I'm gonna

cut off the Sam-sized tumour
on her heart,

and then we can begin
the long, slow process

of cleaning the stink
of your mediocrity off of her.

I'm not letting her go
without a fight.

What do you think
we're here for?

To fight?
I'm not hitting a girl.

Who said anything about hitting?

["Make No Mistake, She's Mine"]

♪ Don't call her up

♪ Anymore

♪ 'Cause I don't want
to hear your voice ♪

♪ I don't want
to see your face ♪

♪ Answer her door

♪ Make no mistake

♪ She's mine

♪ She only knows

♪ How I feel

♪ I only know what she's like

♪ When she needs me

♪ Oh, how she needs me...

♪ Deep in the night

♪ Make no mistake

♪ She's mine

♪ She's mine ♪ She's mine

♪ She's mine

♪ Don't call her up

♪ Anymore.
♪ Anymore.

This isn't over.

Look, I know
you're still into her.

You can't sing like that

about somebody you don't love.

But she's with me now,

and you know that's
the best thing for her.

Just let it go.

Never.

In honour of Diva Week,

let's just cut the crap
and keep it real.

Tina Cohen-Chang
deserves better.

I got upstaged yet again
by Santana.

She doesn't even
go to school here.

Look at him.

He's like a precious.

Tiger Beat Shrinky Dink

with his dark pound-puppy
eyes and his...

What am I doing?

Mike would totally laugh.

I should call Mike.

No. I shouldn't.

Divas don't call
ex-boyfriends, Tina.

Stop being afraid
of going after what you want.

Hey, Bling-bling.

- Feeling better?
- Hey, X-Tina. No, I am not.

It's worse.

My whole head feels like it's

a shrink-wrapped
fist of ham.

Here, I got you this.

It's VapoRub.
My nana swears by it.

Aw, thanks, lady.

You're so sweet.

What, what'd I say?

I don't want to be sweet.

I want to be the girl
that kicks in the door

and makes demands

and gets what she wants.

But let's be honest:

No one thinks "diva"
and pictures me.

What are you talking about?

There are tons of
badass Asian divas.

Look at Lucy Liu,

Bai Ling, B.D. Wong.

Okay,

you're coming to my house
after school tonight,

and we're gonna find
you the right song.

We're gonna bring out your

inner diva if it kills me.

Aw, Blainey Days.

Have you ever been with a girl?

No.

Perfect gold star gay.

Except for that one time
where I kissed Rachel Berry.

That doesn't count.

Well, it's not that
I don't like girls.

I love them.

They're very kind
and sensitive,

and their bodies are beautiful.

Thank you. You know,
on behalf of girls everywhere.

But loving them that way...

it's not who I am.

We're young.

We still have time
to find ourselves.

Exactly.

Which is why,
Ms Tina Cohen-Chang,

you are about to find
your inner diva.

I took the liberty
of making you a little

playlist of some
of the classic diva songs

for you to go through,

but you should open the laptop...

I don't want to give you
my germs.

Wow.

I can't believe
you went old-school diva.

Cher, Aretha, Madonna.

Do you really think
I can pull this off?

I don't even know
what I would wear.

Are you kidding me?
You would kill it.

I was thinking
that we could use...

One of those

dresses from Sectionals.

I'm sorry,
that-that cold medicine

is really very strong.

- Why don't you lie down?
- Okay.

It's a good idea.

You know, I've been reading
a lot about divas.

Mm-hmm.

And the biggest thing is

that they're brutally honest.

And if I'm...
going to be a diva, then...

I have to be honest, too.

Totally.

Blaine...

I'm falling in love with you.

And I realise that this...

could be a tragic,
one-way thing.

But even if we end up

having just...
a sexless relationship,

which many Asian girls
and gay men do...

...it'd be worth it.

So please say something here
before I die.

Blaine?

Right over there.

Guys, gather some chairs up.

Make a semicircle.

Oh, we have five minutes.

Welcome to Midnight Madness.

We all know the rules.

One song at a time, two singers

per song. If you
go flat, you lose.

Now, the playing space
has been split into two.

One side per competitor.

After the song,

I will give you the signal,

and you stand
with whoever you think won.

Majority rules.

The group's decision
is final. No appeal.

No mercy,
and only silent applause.

This is not a performance.

This is a blood sport.

First up:

Rachel Berry versus Kurt Hummel.

Now, the song
you will be competing with

is "Bring Him Home", from "Les Miz".

- You guys know it?
- Mm-hmm.

Per Midnight Madness protocol,

since Kurt challenged Rachel,

he will be going first.

["Bring Him Home" begins]

♪ God on high

♪ Hear my prayer

♪ In my need

♪ You have always been there

♪ He is young

♪ He's afraid

♪ Let him rest

♪ Heaven blessed

♪ Bring him home

♪ Bring him home

♪ Bring him home

♪ He's like the son
I might have known ♪

♪ If God had granted me a son

♪ The summers

♪ Die

♪ One by one

♪ How soon they fly

♪ On and on

♪ And I am old

♪ And will be gone

♪ You can take

♪ You can give

♪ Let him live

♪ Let him live

♪ If I die

♪ Let me die

♪ Let him

♪ Live

♪ Bring him

♪ Home

♪ Bring him home

♪ Bring him

♪ Home.

Thank you.

Okay, make your choice.

All right.

And the winner
by the closest margin

in Midnight Madness history

is Mr Kurt Hummel.

What is
with you Glee Club ex-pats?

Don't any of you have jobs?

You have to have some source
of income

so you can pay the
staff of scientists

who service your teleporters
that you all clearly own,

since you're constantly
showing up here.

I have a light schedule
this semester.

Do you not remember
who got you that scholarship

to Louisville? Your coach is

sending me weekly reports,

and you dropped out a month ago.

I'm sorry.
I hated it there.

Everyone thought
that I was being a bitch

when all I was doing
was being brutally honest

with people. Look,
please don't tell my mom.

Oh, I can't.
I don't speak Spanish.

Let's face facts.

I need an heir apparent,

and I need someone
as mean as I am.

Wait. So,
are you offering me a job?

Finn Hudson took over
the Glee Club.

Why can't you take over
my Cheerios!?

Besides, you've always been
my favourite.

This is an amazing offer.

And with the money
that my mom gave me

for New York, I could buy

a McMansion in Lima Heights.

And plus,
I'd be close to Brittany.

Well, why don't you let me
know by the end of the week?

I have Paula Abdul coming in
to interview as a backup,

and whenever I cancel
too late with her,

she tends to hit the pills.

Tay-tay, I was just telling Artie

how awesome I thought...

- Would you excuse us, please, Artie?
- But, uh...

Oh.

Is everything okay?

Oh, the chicken soup
you made me... magic.

I feel great today!

You want to know why?
Because of me.

- Because I took care of you.
- Oh, and I guess

I used most of this.
I don't know how that happened,

but it's all gone. Sorry.

- Wait. Are you mad?
- Look,

I give you all
of my heart, gladly.

And I love hanging
out with you, Blaine.

I love...

It's sad because you don't see

that it's me that
gives you that support.

Why are you acting
so pissed off?

Because I get it now.

A diva doesn't settle for less
than what she wants,

and she won't apologise
for wanting it.

And I can't get that here,
so next time,

don't come crawling back to me.

I'm all out of soup.

That seems a little... crazy.

No.

That seems a little
Tina Cohen-Chang. Respect.

[Madonna's "Hung Up" begins]

♪ Time goes by so slowly

♪ Time goes by so slowly ♪

♪ Time goes by so slowly

♪ Time goes by so slowly ♪

♪ Time goes by so slowly

♪ Every little thing
that you say or do ♪

♪ I'm hung up,
I'm hung up on you ♪

♪ Waiting for your call, baby,
night and day ♪

♪ I'm fed up

♪ I'm tired of waiting on you

♪ Time goes by so slowly
for those who wait ♪

♪ No time to hesitate

♪ Those who run seem
to have all the fun ♪

♪ I'm caught up

♪ I don't know what to do

♪ Every little thing
that you say or do ♪

♪ I'm hung up,
I'm hung up on you ♪

♪ Waiting for your call, baby,
night and day ♪

♪ I'm fed up

♪ I'm tired of waiting on you

♪ Ring, ring, ring
goes the telephone ♪

♪ The lights are on,
but there's no one home ♪

♪ Tick, tick, tock,
it's a quarter to two ♪

♪ And I'm done

♪ I'm hanging up on you

♪ I can't keep
on waiting for you ♪

♪ I know that
you're still hesitating ♪

♪ Don't cry for me

♪ 'Cause I'll find my way

♪ You'll wake up one day

♪ But it'll be too late

♪ Every little thing
that you say or do ♪

♪ I'm hung up

♪ I'm hung up on you

♪ Waiting for your call, baby,
night and day ♪

♪ I'm fed up

♪ I'm tired of waiting on you

♪ I'm tired of waiting on you ♪

♪ I'm hung up on you.

Wh...
Tina.

Tina.

Wow.
- Wow.

I just...

I can't even...

That was the most...

Don't even worry about it.

Okay.

Feel that fire.

I've been singing
the "Les Miz" score

since I was in second grade.

Literally the entire score.

It was just dumb luck that that
was the song that got chosen.

I know you feel conflicted
about winning,

but you won because
you're an incredible singer.

Oh, my God, Kurt.

Everyone is buzzing about your
triumph at Midnight Madness.

Not since Judy played the
Palace, they're saying.

A bunch of us are signing up
for the "Funny Girl" open call,

then getting rush tickets
to see "Mamma Mia!"

You have to come with.

I don't think so.

I think you both
are shallow and obnoxious.

And I think the only reason
why you run around

kissing everyone's ass
is because you know

you'll never make it
on your own.

And another thing.

If you say one more nasty thing
about Adam's Apples,

I will challenge you
to the next Midnight Madness,

and we all know how that ends.

That's very impressive.

Um, give me a second.

Hey, Rachel.

I don't know if you heard,
but apparently the revival

of "Funny Girl" is having
open auditions.

Do you want to go with me?

You should try out, Kurt.

You'd be an amazing
Fanny Brice.

Winning dinner for two
at Red Rooster Express Suites...

The First Annual William
McKinley High School.

Diva Award goes to...

If it's Santana, I swear...

Tina Cohen-Chang!

She never wins anything.

Tina!

Tina!
Tina!

Uh, no diva performance
is complete without flowers.

Oh, how sweet.

Literally.

Well, no one deserved to win
this week more than you.

I've been waiting
for people to finally see

the epic diva that
is Ms Tina Cohen-Chang.

I also owe you an apology.

I'm sorry if I've been
ungrateful this week.

The truth is, I wouldn't have
survived it without you.

That little
cold buster kit you made me,

it not only annihilated my cold,

but it made me realise
that you are

the most important person to me
at this school right now.

And I haven't felt this close
to anyone in a long time.

You have no idea how long I've
waited to hear you say that.

I have a proposition for you.

Will you be my date to
Mr Shue's wedding next week?

Yes.

Of course.

Shiva is officially over.

You have an audition
for "Funny Girl"

three weeks from today.

I went down to the open call
and got us the last slots.

I'm not trying out.

Why, because I won
Midnight Madness?

Rachel, it doesn't mean anything...
it just means that we're even.

You won with an Elphaba song,
I won with a Jean Valjean song.

None of which changes the fact
that "Funny Girl"

is your favourite musical,

and that you were born
to play Fanny Brice.

This is a once-in-a lifetime
opportunity.

Let's say by some crazy
extraordinary chance I get it.

Then what?

I become even more of a diva
nightmare than I already am now?

I can't handle the
pressures of stardom,

not without losing my
best friend and making

every single person hate me.

So I'm not going to try out.

You are a diva,

and you have been a nightmare,

but you're not a diva
because you've been a nightmare.

You're a diva because
you're talented and ambitious

and because no one else
in the world

can do what you, Rachel Berry,
can do.

That's what being
a diva's all about.

Being an original,
one-of-a-kind.

So hold the nightmare,
but bring the diva.

You don't need any of that.

Your work speaks for itself.

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I hate fighting with you.

Eh, a little catfight
is good for friends.

You know,
keeps the relationship fresh.

I thought we already
checked this box.

Will said the white centrepiece
arrangements we picked were fine.

Which means
he doesn't like them.

And he'd like to veto them,
but he's just being polite.

Um, "fine" doesn't mean

that he didn't like
the centrepieces.

I need things to be more
than fine.

Okay, I-I need them
to be perfect.

They have to be perfect
and I need them to be perfect.

Look, I think you're just
putting too much into this.

No, I'm not, because the last
time, with Carl, I let go.

I did that already, you know,

I said that details
wouldn't matter,

that my-my OCD
wouldn't get in the way,

that whatever would happen
would happen,

and that marriage was completely
ruined before it even began.

- Maybe Carl just wasn't the right guy.
- This isn't right.

I can't do this.

I can't do this.
I can't get married again.

I can't do it again
if it's not right.

Miss Pillsbury, please.

What about the colour white? What
if Will hates the colour white?

Then he's going
to hate my dress.

Of course he's not going
to hate your dress, okay?

What about the cake? Not
even tried the cake yet.

Okay, we make a great team.

We can figure
this out together.

Emma, stop. Stop. Stop.

I knew you'd come
around eventually.

I mean, Sam's most
redeeming quality

is that he can
bore you to sleep

and then you can use his lips
as ginormous pillows.

I'm not breaking up with Sam.

I really like him.

And he makes me feel
really smart

and think about things,
like where air comes from,

and how come in every movie
about Jesus he dies at the end.

Well, look, I'm not expecting
you to start dating me again.

I'm... I'm taken.

I just want you to aim higher.

I know that
you're not dating Elaine.

She told me that you paid
her with scratcher tickets

and an Ani DiFranco T-shirt to
pretend to be your girlfriend.

And I also know that you
dropped out of school.

Well, I'm moving on up.

Sue offered me a job to train
to take over the Cheerios

after she dies.

You can't do that.

Why? I mean, it's not like

I'd have to wait that long.

I'm totally going to ricin her
protein shakes

in a couple years.

I think you need to be somewhere

that's as big
and as hot as you are.

It's okay to follow
your dreams.

No, Brittany, you...
you have no idea

what it's like out there
in the real world.

No one gives a damn about you.

Rachel found a new guy.

And I hear Kurt did, too.

Why shouldn't you get the
chance to be around people

who are like you,
who appreciate you?

Be a part of a community?

Why can't you have
a real girlfriend?

But not a best friend 'cause
that part's already taken.

You really are genius,
Brittany.

Duh.

And you're my best friend.

Sam and I are going
to Breadstix tonight

to pretend to be British.
Do you want to come?

No, thanks.

I think I'm going to hang around
here a minute more.

["Girl on Fire"]

♪ She's just a girl
and she's on fire ♪

♪ Hotter than a fantasy

♪ Lonely like a highway

♪ She's living in a world
and it's on fire ♪

♪ Filled with catastrophe, but
she knows she can fly away ♪

♪ Oh... oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ She got both feet
on the ground ♪

♪ And she's burning it down

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ She got her head
in the clouds ♪

♪ And she's not backing down

♪ This girl is on fire

♪ This girl is on fire

♪ She's walking on fire

♪ This girl is on fire

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Everybody stand
as she goes by ♪

♪ 'Cause they can see the flame
that's in her eyes ♪

♪ Watch her as she's lighting up
the night ♪

♪ Nobody knows
that she's a lonely girl ♪

♪ And it's a lonely world

♪ But she gonna let it burn,
baby, burn, baby ♪

♪ This girl is on fire

♪ Fire, fire ♪

♪ This girl is on fire

♪ She's walking on fire
♪ Fire, fire ♪

♪ This girl is on fire

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

♪ Oh, oh, oh

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh...

♪ Oh...

♪ She's just a girl
and she's on fire. ♪

Santana.
What are you doing here?

Moving in.