Glee (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 12 - Naked - full transcript

The Glee Club puts together a calendar photo shoot for a fundraiser. Meanwhile, a part in a student art film poses a moral dilemma for Rachel.

Mr Clarington!

Mr Clarington! Mr Clarington!

What do you have to say
about the steroid allegations?

I look forward
to my day in court.

Until then, I have no comment.

Uh, what about the report
that you look way too old

to still be in high school?

Hey, hey, hey!

What is your problem?!

A blood test administered

by the Show Choir
Governing Board tested positive



for performance-enhancing drugs,

stripping Dalton Academy
of their Sectionals title

and sending Lima's own
McKinley High School Show Choir

to Regionals and a chance
to repeat as National Champions.

I can't believe it. This is what
they think news is now?!

Andrea... I can't
take this anymore.

I cannot... take this...
anymore!

I've had it!

I've had enough!

I went to school for this?!

Well, it looks like
someone's getting a younger,

hotter co-anchor.

After the break, a Fort Wayne
squirrel who's also... a doctor?

We'll be right back.



All right, people, we are back!

First of all,

big props to Sam and Blaine
for all their hard work

to make this happen. But...
there's no time to celebrate.

We just lost three weeks of
prep time for Regionals, and

we still have
to raise $400 to pay

for the bus to get to
the competition in Indianapolis.

It's the Paris of Indiana.

I propose a bake sale.

I mean... it worked last time.

Well, that's because Puck spiked
the cupcakes with Mary Jane.

I'd be willing
to cut off my hair

to sell it for extra cash.

To who?

Jamaican kids
with Rastafarian cancer?

Or as rigging
on a haunted pirate ship?

I could sell more of my semen.

This is silly. I know exactly
how we're gonna get the money.

"The Men of McKinley" calendar.

Let's face it... this is

the cutest crop
of Glee boys we've ever had.

That's great. And it's January,

so it's the perfect time
to sell them.

There are six guys, so each
one can take two months.

I think Blaine should
definitely be December.

You can do a Santa
thing but sexy.

Sexy Claus.

I'm in as long
as I can take my shirt off.

Wait, why does it have
to be just the men?

Why can't we objectify
the girls, too?

'Cause girls are the ones
that buy stuff.

We're responsible
for the consumer-

driven economy.
Those "Twilight" books

are poop on paper,
and we've turned them

into a billion-dollar industry.
– Team Jacob.

This could actually work.

Tina... you're in charge.

You can set up the photo shoots.
Everybody else,

pick your months and
work on your concepts.

Good job, Tina!

Hey, what are you doing after school today?
– Um...

♪ Fondue for Two! Hey! ♪

♪ Fondue for Two,
that's some hot dish ♪

♪ Fondue for Two! ♪

Welcome back to Fondue for Two.

You may know tonight's guest
only as the girl

with the fat mom who ruined
Sectionals for everybody.

Please give it up for McKinley's
very own... Marley Rose.

So, Marley, is it true
that you spent six hours

waiting in line to see
"The Hunger Games"?

I love those books.

So do you think that you
relate to "The Hunger Games"

because you yourself
are hungry?

When I was growing up, my mom
said that I was a pet psychic.

That's cool.
So, can you tell me

what Lord Tubbington
is thinking right now?

Yeah.

I think he wants to lose some
weight, and he has an online

gambling addiction.

Wrong.

If you would've told me
that Lord Tubbington

was secretly a slumlord,
I would've believed you.

None of your high-rises
are up to code.

Those families are living in
squalor and they deserve better.

Aah! Oh! This is boiling hot!

Let's talk about boys.

Please admit
to my viewing audience

that you are in love with Jake.

I thought so.

If Jake is brave enough to take
off his clothes for Glee's.

Men of McKinley calendar,

don't you think you owe him
the same courtesy?

You mean, take off my clothes?

No. I meant that you...

should be honest
and vulnerable and tell him

exactly how you feel.

Sexy teen imbeciles.

The SAT scores are in,

and you have managed to receive
the highest and lowest scores

ever recorded at McKinley!

Yes!

I knew it. Secret genius.

Brittany S. Pierce has
received a near-perfect 2340

on her exam.
– Wait, what? How?

Clearly, she cheated.
– No, I did not cheat.

I swear.

All I did was I filled
in "A" for a while

and then "C" for a
little bit and then "D"

and then I did "A" again and
then I used the dots to draw

a clown and then a penis.

Wait...
What were my scores?

You got a 340,
which in clinical trials

is a score routinely
bested by monkeys.

Sam... don't worry, okay?

You don't need to go to
college like the rest of us.

You have a really great body.

You could be a personal
trainer. You could...

be a greeter at Abercrombie.
You could be a greeter

at Abercrombie's
corporate headquarters...

Whatever you want to do...
but meanwhile,

my future looks bright.
I'm gonna graduate.

I'll go to Harvard or Princetown or

MITT or Stanford and Son or
the University of California at

Charles Barkley's House,
'cause evidently

I'm one of the smartest
people in America.

Your audition was great, Rachel.

I don't need to hear
you read it again.

Look, this film is
my senior thesis,

and I'd like you
to be a part of it.

Any questions?

Your script, Electra...
it's so raw

and personal.
I just was wondering, um...

A Journey into Alzheimer's...

is that you
and-and your grandmother?

The grandmother slipping into
dementia is... an allegory.

Of course. Yeah.
– Obviously.

Of the end of the world.

You would be playing

both me and, in the black-and-white
flashbacks, my grandmother.

Okay.

If you're willing to go
on this adventure with me.

I... I would be honoured.

I would.

Great. There is one thing:

You will have to be topless in
the ballroom scene with Titus.

That's not going
to be a problem, is it?

I'm a strong
and confident woman.

I'm the one who asked Brody
to move in.

I'm the one who almost made it
out of Agent Provocateur

without giggling.
And let's face it,

my breasts are my prizewinners.

You almost made it out,
but you didn't.

Let's face it.

You're also the girl
who makes Brody

turn the lights off
when you're cuddling.

You have a beautiful body,
but are you really ready

to expose yourself to the world?

That what all great artists do.

They expose themselves.

Expose their
souls, not their flesh.

But it's all part
of the same package.

A-Am I really expected
to be able

to bare my soul if I'm ashamed
of the body that holds it?

I think a little shame
is a good thing.

You're not a porn star,

even though your hair
and your makeup makes you

look like one.
– That's mean.

I'm sorry. But... your hair has
gotten a little out of hand.

Point taken.

Well, I guess there's only
one way to resolve this.

Sing about it. Thank God.

Hit it.

♪ I thought I saw a man
brought to life ♪

♪ He was warm, he came around ♪

♪ Like he was dignified ♪

♪ He showed me
what it was to cry ♪

♪ Well, you couldn't be
that man I adored ♪

♪ You don't seem to know ♪

♪ Seem to care ♪

♪ What your heart is for ♪

♪ Oh, I don't
know him anymore ♪

♪ There's nothing
where he used to lie ♪

♪ The conversation has run dry ♪

♪ That's what's going on ♪

♪ Nothing's fine, I'm torn ♪

♪ I'm all out of faith ♪

♪ This is how I feel ♪

♪ I'm cold and I am shamed,
lying naked on the floor ♪

♪ Illusion never changed
into something real ♪

♪ I'm wide awake and I can see
the perfect sky is torn ♪

♪ You're a little late ♪

♪ I'm already torn ♪

♪ So I guess
the fortune-teller's right ♪

♪ I should have seen
just what was there ♪

♪ And not some holy light ♪

♪ But you crawled
beneath my veins and now ♪

♪ I don't care, I have no luck ♪

♪ I don't miss it
all that much ♪

♪ There's just so many things ♪

♪ That I can't touch, I'm torn ♪

♪ I'm all out of faith ♪
♪ I'm all out of faith ♪

♪ This is how I feel ♪
♪ How I feel ♪

♪ I'm cold and I'm ashamed ♪

♪ Bound and broken
on the floor ♪

♪ You're a little late ♪

♪ I'm already torn ♪

♪ I'm already torn ♪

♪ I'm torn ♪

♪ I'm torn ♪

♪ Oh, oh...! ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, oh...! ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ I'm already torn. ♪

Rachel... have you made up
your mind yet?

I need to know right away,

so we can get you fitted
for clown shoes

for the "End of Times"
dream sequence.

I'll do it.

Hey, Blaine.

Will you please go to the mall
with me after school?

I want to go clothes shopping.
– Sure.

Oh, sweet merciful Lord.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Sam.

What are you doing?
It's January.

What do you mean?
It's hot out there, you know?

Sun's out, it's, like,
way above freezing.

Are you sure you're not
overcompensating a little?

Overcompensating for what?

Your SAT scores.

We all heard that you tanked.

But don't worry.
There are re-tests.

You know what, dude? Like, if you

choose to be jealous of my hard-core

rockin' bod, that's on you.

Uh, for the record,
Blaine has an awesome body

and a perky and delicious behind

that looks like it got baked to perfection

by some sort of master chef.

Thanks, Tina.

Sam, I'm just looking out for you.

I'm trying to be your friend.
– Okay, well,

then put down the Hatorade and come

to my seminar this afternoon.
– Your seminar?

Yeah... for the Men of McKinley calendar.

It's a one-hour course –

"Techniques that Work
for Today's Hot Young Posers."

3:30. Locker room.

No chicks.

Downward dog.

Into the half pigeon.

Feel it in the buttocks
right there.

And now back into
the lotus position.

Relax.

Why are we doing this again?

It's Bro-ga... yoga for bros.

All about getting in the best
possible shape for the calendar.

Well, not everyone in here
looks like they're on the CW.

Some of us are more... PBS.

Does the calendar really need
to be shirtless?

Afraid so, dude.

But don't sweat it,
'cause in no time,

we'll all be centrefold-ready,

thanks to White Chocolate's
Strip Tips.

Rule number one...
manscape, all right?

Nobody wants to see
those rando nipple pubes,

or even worse, a back that looks
like Chewbacca's ass.

No offense, Joe. Shave it off!

And who says
you can't pack a little extra?

I like baby socks.

Now, just make sure
the sock is clean

so you don't get any
athlete's foot on your junk.

Now let's get
this party started!

Uh!

♪ With a little bit of ♪
♪ Uh, uh... ♪

♪ And a little bit of ♪
♪ Uh, uh ♪

♪ Just a little bit of... ♪
♪ Uh, uh... ♪

♪ Just a little bit of ♪
♪ Uh, uh ♪

♪ I was like, good gracious,
ass is bodacious ♪
♪ Uh! ♪

♪ Flirtatious, trying
to show faces ♪
♪ Uh ♪

♪ Waiting for the right time to
shoot my steam ♪
♪ You know ♪

♪ Looking for the right time
to flash them ki's, then ♪

♪ I'm leaving, please
believing ♪
♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Me and the rest
of my heathens ♪

♪ Check it, got it locked
at the top of the Fo' Seasons ♪

♪ Penthouse, roof top,
birds I feeding ♪

♪ Years
go by I'm lookin' through ♪

♪ Na, na, na ♪
♪ A girly magazine ♪

♪ Na, na, na... ♪
♪ And
there's my homeroom angel ♪

♪ Na, na, na ♪
♪ On the pages in between ♪

♪ Na, na ♪

♪ It's getting hot in here ♪
♪ So hot ♪

♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
♪ Hey...! ♪

♪ Angel is the centrefold ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Angel is the centrefold ♪

♪ Oh! ♪
♪ It's getting hot in here ♪

♪ So hot ♪
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Angel is the centrefold ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Angel is the centrefold ♪

♪ Oh! ♪
♪ Just a little bit of ♪

♪ Uh, uh... ♪
♪ With a little bit of ♪

♪ Uh, uh ♪
♪ And then they just fall ♪

♪ Why you at the bar if
you ain't popping the bucks? ♪

♪ Come on ♪
♪ What good is all the fame ♪

♪ If you ain't
bumping the models? ♪

♪ I see you driving ♪
♪ Sports cars ♪

♪ Ain't hitting the throttle
and I'll be trying to do 100 ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby,
I can't talk it ♪

♪ Warm and fuzzy sweaters ♪
♪ Na, na, na ♪

♪ Too magical to touch ♪

♪ To see her in that negligee ♪

♪ Na, na, na ♪
♪ Is really just too much ♪

♪ Na, na ♪
♪ It's getting hot in here ♪

♪ So hot ♪
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪

♪ Hey ♪
♪ Angel is a centrefold ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ Angel is the centrefold ♪

♪ Oh ♪
♪ It's a little bit of ♪

♪ Uh, uh... ♪
♪ And a sprinkle of that ♪

♪ Uh, uh ♪
♪ And then they just fall out ♪

♪ I like it when you ♪
♪ Uh, uh... ♪

♪ Girl, baby make it ♪
♪ Uh, uh ♪

♪ Let it hang all out ♪
♪ Oh ♪

♪ It's getting hot in here ♪
♪ So hot ♪

♪ So take off all your clothes ♪
♪ Hey ♪

♪ I am getting so hot ♪
♪ Na, na, na-na, na-na ♪

♪ I wanna take my clothes off ♪
♪ Na-na, na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Oh! ♪
♪ It's getting hot in here ♪

♪ So hot ♪
♪ So take off all your clothes ♪

♪ I am getting so hot ♪
♪ Na, na, na-na, na-na ♪

♪ I wanna take my clothes off ♪
♪ Na-na, na-na-na, na-na, na-na-na ♪

♪ Oh! ♪
♪ It's getting hot in here. ♪

Yes!
– What?

You guys!

You guys, that was amazing!

We are going
to make so much money!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yeah.
That was really good.

Here goes.

Well, well, well, if
it isn't underage,

smut-peddling,
non-teacher Finn Hudson.

Not satisfied
with making a mockery

of the American education system

by your mere presence
at this school,

you have besmirched the dignity
of such everyday heroes

as this woman with Crohn's disease...
whose name I do not know...

by bringing the dark specter
of pornography

to these hallowed halls.

Well, Crohnsey and I are here to
tell you, this will not stand.

Sue Sylvester,
you can suck a hot one

because you are a hypocrite.

I beg your pardon!

I seem to recall a rumour

about a certain cheerleading
coach at this school

who once took horse estrogen

and posed for "Penthouse",
back in the day.

So maybe I can just
track that down,

make a few copies and sell those
to raise money for Regionals.

That's nothing but a rumour.

But if that rumour were true,

my "Penthouse" centrefold,
so groundbreaking

that it completely
redefined the term "hirsute",

and gave birth unto these
United States a pose so limber,

they named it The Regal American
Not-So-Bald Spread-Eagle.

I promise you, my friend,
you would never find it.

Well... I guess
we'll see about that.

Good morning.

Hi.

What?

Your boyfriend's bare ass
is on one of my vintage

flea market chairs!

Hey, I'm not ashamed
of my body.

And I wanted to show Rachel

that I support her choice
completely.

Thank you. I was cast
in a student art film,

and I'm going to be doing
a topless scene in it.

No, you're not.

Rachel looks smoking.

Rachel is a serious actress,
Brody.

She doesn't do nudity.

Look, as performers,
that's a question

that we're all
gonna have to face.

If you want to win an Oscar,
you have to show your boobs.

Kate Winslet, Jennifer Connelly, Kathy Bates...
– I don't get it.

A year ago, you were all
plaid skirts, and, "Do you think

Finn likes me?"

And now, you're Slutty Barbie
asking Misogynist Ken

to move in with you,
doing pornos.

What's happening to you?

I'm growing up, Kurt.

Maybe you should try it, too.

And it's not a porno.

It's a good movie.
I'm gonna do it,

with or without your support.

When I get a text
saying, "Emergency –

Meet me in the auditorium,"
I assume that you're on fire,

or being attacked by a pack of monkeys.
– I was.

But the monkeys had squirt guns,
and they put the fire out.

That sounded funnier
in my head.

Uh, seriously, I...
I wanted to start working

on some song ideas
I had for Regionals.

I kind of have some redeeming to do.

No, you don't.
Everyone is cool with you now.

No, they aren't.
– Okay, they're not.

But don't put too much
pressure on yourself.

That's how things got
messed up last time.

I think I have
the perfect song for us to sing.

I like this tune.

It's super romantic.

Is it?

♪ The day we met ♪

♪ Frozen I held my breath ♪

♪ Right from the start ♪

♪ I knew that I'd found a home
for my heart ♪

♪ To fall ♪

♪ But watching you stand alone ♪

♪ All of my doubt ♪

♪ Suddenly goes away somehow ♪

♪ One step closer ♪

♪ I have died every day
waiting for you ♪

♪ Darling, don't be afraid ♪

♪ I have loved you ♪

♪ For a thousand years ♪

♪ I'll love you
for a thousand more ♪

♪ Time stands still ♪

♪ Beauty in all she is ♪

♪ Every breath ♪

♪ Every hour has come to this ♪

♪ One step closer ♪

♪ I have died every day
waiting for you ♪

♪ Darling, don't be afraid ♪

♪ I have loved you ♪

♪ For a thousand years ♪

♪ I'll love you for ♪

♪ A thousand more ♪

♪ And all along
I believed I would find you ♪

♪ Time has brought
your heart to me ♪

♪ I have loved you
for a thousand years ♪

♪ I'll love you for
a thousand more ♪

♪ I will love you ♪

♪ A thousand years ♪

♪ Mm-mm, mm. ♪

What?

You have something
you want to tell me, I can tell.

I...

I love...

the song. I love the song, but
it's not right for Regionals.

What's going on?

Sue Sylvester's coming down
super hard on the calendar.

She's saying it's pornography.

Wait. Isn't she the one
that posed for "Playboy"?

"Penthouse", and I need you
to track it down.

Hold up.

You want me to spend the next
few days carefully paging

through decades and decades
of vintage pornography?

You've come to the right place.

Thank you, and the
Men of McKinley thank you.

Finn... about that.

I'm not sure I want to pose
for the calendar.

My body is sort of... broken.

And I'm not really eager
to start showing it off.

Okay, well, uh, we'll
get you in some sweats

and a kick-ass muscle shirt.

Look, I really want to help out,
but I just think a photo of me

is going to end up
being a photo of my chair.

Then forget the chair.
You can lay

on a bed or something and pose

with, like, a bunch
of sexy pillows.

Finn, you're not hearing me.

I don't want
to pose for the calendar.

And that whole pillow scenario

you just described
sounds deeply emasculating.

It's not just girls
who have body issues.

Sometimes guys aren't cool

with showing off their bodies, either.

Then don't.

I-I don't want to
make you do anything

you don't feel
comfortable doing.

Thanks for telling me.

And you know what?

That was really brave of you,
saying no just then.

And I think it's totally cool

that there's a part of yourself
you want to keep private.

I'm thinking about
naming my shoulders.

You know, like
The Situation has his abs?

They could be my
signature thing.

One could be Smith
and the other could be Wesson.

You name arms after guns,
not shoulders.

Shoulders are part
of your arms.

No, they aren't.
They're part of your shoulders.

And don't pick a
signature when you know

that my John Hancocks are
clearly better than yours.

No, they're not.

Do I need to humiliate
you right now?

Bring it.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

They're on fire.

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

I am a statue.

There's our money-makers.

This is the boys' locker room.
You can't be in here.

We couldn't help ourselves.

Your chick magnets drew us in.
– I wanted to talk to you about

the concepts for your pictures.

Ryder, you're February and July.

I was thinking heart boxers
and a sexy Uncle Sam thing.

You're going to be June and October.

June is a beach theme, and for October

you're just gonna be holding
a "Jake-o'-lantern"

over your naughty bits.

We're gonna go find
Artie and tell him about

his March sexy leprechaun.

I thought Kitty was gonna
jump you right in here.

Dude, you want to know
the weirdest thing?

Mm?
– If a girl in the next room is into me,

I can feel it.

But since I've been
seeing Marley, it's like

there's not another girl
on the planet.

Wow. That is hard core.

Dude, I'm sorry, I try not
to talk about her with you.

It stings sometimes,
but this is serious.

All right,
you're really into her.

Then, the other day, we
were singing this, like,

romantic song together

and then, right at the end,
I thought that...

she was gonna say it to me.

Say what?

Oh! Oh... It.

Wha-What would you have done?

I would have said it back.

I mean, that's the way I feel.

Then you have
to tell her first.

N... I can't do that.

That's... terrifying.

Chicks dig hot guys
who are willing

to get naked for a calendar,

but what they're
really looking for

is a guy who will
get naked emotionally.

♪ Much as you blame yourself ♪

♪ You can't be blamed ♪

♪ For the way that you feel ♪

♪ Had no example ♪

♪ Of a love that was ♪

♪ Even remotely real ♪

♪ How can you understand ♪

♪ Something that you
never had? ♪

♪ If you let me ♪

♪ I can help you out ♪

♪ With all of that ♪

♪ Let me love you ♪

♪ And I will love you ♪

♪ Until you learn ♪

♪ To love yourself ♪

♪ Let me love you ♪

♪ A heart of numbness ♪

♪ Gets brought to life ♪

♪ I'll take you there ♪

♪ I can see the pain ♪

♪ Behind your eyes ♪

♪ It's been there
for quite a while ♪

♪ I just want to be the one ♪

♪ To remind you ♪

♪ What it is to smile ♪

♪ I would like to show you ♪

♪ What true love can really do ♪

♪ Let me love you ♪

♪ And I will love you ♪

♪ Until you learn ♪

♪ To love yourself ♪

♪ Let me love you ♪

♪ And all your trouble ♪

♪ Don't be afraid ♪

♪ Oh, I can help ♪

♪ Let me love you ♪

♪ A heart of numbness ♪

♪ Is brought to life ♪

♪ I'll take you there ♪

♪ Let me love you ♪

♪ And all your trouble ♪

♪ Don't be afraid ♪

♪ Oh, I can help. ♪

That was awesome, man.

Absolutely a contender
for Regionals.

Who was that song for?

Uh, that was for Marley.

Is there anything else you
wanted to say to her?

Uh, I think the song
pretty much said it.

Kurt, the hipster from downstairs
with the curlicue mustache

wants to borrow
your Russian hat.

Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

Lady Hummel called, begging us
to do an emergency intervention.

On who?

You.

You guys came all the way

to New York just to talk to me
because Kurt called you?

We're also here to shop.

And we're here to
apologise to Quinn

for slapping her across
the face very, very hard.

In theory. We'll just
see if that happens.

Rachel, you cannot
do a nude scene.

It's not a nude scene, it's just a topless scene.
– Same thing.

Topless is as nude as anyone
is ever gonna want to see you.

Let's say you do it.

Think about the 2-2-2 rule.

In two weeks,
how are you gonna feel about

the nude scene?
– You'd probably feel pretty great.

Yeah.

You'll get to feel a nice,
cool breeze on them

skeeter bites,
you'll feel refreshed, even.

Then, how are you gonna feel
about it two months from now?

I don't know.

Nervous?

Worried it may not even be good?

Rachel, it's a student film.

It's not gonna be good.

And two years from now?

How you gonna feel
about it then?

Guilty.

Just... hoping my kids
won't ever see it online.

Oh, they'll see it. Mm-hmm.

And they will
never be the same.

Okay, wait.

Why am... why am I even
taking advice from you, okay?

Didn't you have a sex tape
that leaked online?

Yes, I did.

A sex tape that follows
me around to this very day.

Look my name up
on the Internet right now.

"Santana Lopez,
nude, lez, boobies, sex tape,

Mexican or Dominican,
question mark."

Booyah. That will exist forever.

But Santana, some women find it
empowering to be naked on film.

Yes, but not in a student film

that is probably about someone's
grandma with Alzheimer's.

Look... we care about you.

And for once, Rachel,

we actually have your
best interests in mind.

Please don't do it.

Give me sexy liberty.

Give me sexy freedom.

Give me "I want you" sexy.

All right,
August is up next!

Artie, are you sure
you don't want to pose?

Oh, I'm happy posing with this
bounce-board over here.

Hey!

Why don't we do August
with a few of the guys?

Blaine, why don't
you jump in with Sam?

You're looking
particularly cute today.

I'll do it, too.

No offense, Joe,
but I don't really think

you want to be
in a shot next to me.

My washboards are gonna make you look
like a bloated white Bob Marley.

I'm as God made me, dude.

Look, the reality is that we
probably should have just done

a Sam Evans calendar.
– Yes, and every month we could see you

dressed as a different
brand of jerkwad.

Guys, we waited too long!

I lost my pump.

I need five minutes.

You got this. You got this!

You're kind of out of control.

Yeah, well, haters gonna hate.

Will you please stop lifting?

This isn't who you are, Sam.

You're not just some
body-obsessed muscle head.

You don't know what it's like.

You can sing and dance
and you kick butt in school

and you're all charming
and everything,

I have to announce my presence

with authority the second
I walk into a room.

People have to notice me,
or else they never will.

People laugh at my impressions

because how I look
already has them on board.

Do you really believe that?

It's just a fact.

If you want to make it in this
world, you have to be special.

But you are special.

Even without your body.

No, I'm not, man.

It's... it's all I have.

I'm exhausted.

Watching what I eat all the
time, my two-a-day workouts...

Let it go. Have a burger
every now and then.

Eat a bag of Cheetos.

Skip your workouts.

Sleep in a little.

Your body isn't going to change.

And even if you have seven percent
body fat, you're gonna see

that all of us are
still gonna love you.

And we're gonna laugh
at your impressions.

And what, may I ask, is this?

Turns out it wasn't too hard
to track down, after all.

Well... I'm impressed;
I'm not gonna lie.

I thought I'd purchased
every last issue from eBay.

I'm not ashamed
of this centrefold.

In fact, I feel like taking a
gander at that glorious taco

right now.

You idiot.

You had me skewered.

Why on earth would you
let me open that?

Because now... I have
your confession on tape.

I'm not ashamed
of this centrefold.

In fact, I feel like taking
a gander at that Checkmate.

Glorious taco right now.

You want to see me?

What are you doing here?

Blaine asked me to look
into something for you.

Come on in and have a seat.

This is a very small
sampling of colleges

that don't require SAT

or ACT scores.

And they're really
good schools, Sam.

They're schools that
recognise that a test score

isn't always the best measure
of your intelligence.

Or creativity.

And you can always take the
SATs again if you want.

You know, a lot of kids do that.

Yeah, well, let's say I somehow
get into college somewhere.

I still can't afford it.

Yes, you can.

Because even in this economy,

there are hundreds
of scholarships out there.

What you'll need for these is a
personal essay about yourself

and your accomplishments.

Like what? Like my abs
and my fish lips?

Like the Glee Club.

Like Student Council, the swimming...
– Synchronised swimming.

You've accomplished a lot more

than you're giving yourself
credit for.

But why don't you take that home
and, um, just think about it.

You are lost.

Is this real?

You've been here before, but...
nothing looks familiar.

And that smell,
you recognise that smell.

Titus.

You want him.

And deep breath...
drop the robe.

Rachel, drop the robe.

Cut. I'm sorry, can we...
can we just cut?

Only I'm allowed to say cut.

Cut.

I'm sorry, I don't mean
to be a diva or anything,

but, um, there's just... there's
so many people here right now.

Do you think we can...?
– They're here for you.

My DP literally sculpts with light.

Now, he can't do that
without his crew.

He's promised me this
would be sweeping.

Would you like me to tell him

that you don't want it
to be sweeping?

I need all the crew to...
to take off their clothes.

Yeah, it'll help, it'll,
um, you know, just...

distract, and, and, and...
take the attention off of me.

Seriously?
– Yeah, that sounds like a great idea.

Everybody, take
your shirts off.

Okay, back to one.

Roll sound.

Scene ten, take two.
– And action.

Okay, you're lost.

Are you awake, is this a dream?

Perhaps a life lived long
ago, and now you see him:

Titus.

You're filled with
a carnal hunger.

You need to be naked now.

And drop the robe.

Rachel, drop the robe.

I'm sorry. Cut.

Stop saying "cut".

I'm sorry; I can't do this.

I respect you and

I respect your movie,
but I just... I'm not ready.

Then you should have told
me that when I asked you.

I was telling you the truth
when I said yes

and I'm, I'm telling you
the truth now.

I think it's okay
for actresses to be naked,

and-and... and maybe someday
I'll be ready, but...

I just realised that... I'm
not ready to be naked now.

Well, then, what you can do now

is get the hell off my
grandmother's dreamscape.

Take five, everyone.

Looks like I will have
to play Grandma.

♪ Head underwater ♪

♪ And they tell me ♪

♪ To breathe easy for a while ♪

♪ The breathing gets harder ♪

♪ Even I know that ♪

♪ Made room for me ♪

♪ It's too soon to see ♪

♪ If I'm happy in your hands ♪

♪ I'm unusually ♪

♪ Hard to hold on to ♪

♪ Convinced me to please you ♪

♪ Made me think
that I need this, too ♪

♪ I'm trying to let you ♪

♪ Hear me as I am ♪

♪ I'm not gonna write you
a love song ♪

♪ 'Cause you asked for it,
'cause you need one, you see ♪

♪ I'm not gonna write you
a love song ♪

♪ 'Cause you tell me
it's make or break in this ♪

♪ If you're on your way ♪

♪ I'm not gonna write you
to stay ♪

♪ If all you have is leaving ♪

♪ I'm gonna need a better reason
to write you ♪

♪ A love song today ♪

♪ Promise me ♪

♪ That you'll leave
the light on ♪

♪ 'Cause I believe ♪

♪ There's a way
you can love me ♪

♪ Because I say ♪

♪ I won't write you
a love song ♪

♪ 'Cause you asked for it,
'cause you need one ♪

♪ You see, I'm not gonna
write you a love song ♪

♪ 'Cause you tell me
it's make or break in this ♪

♪ Is that why you wanted
a love song? ♪

♪ A love song ♪
♪ 'Cause you tell me it's ♪

♪ Make or break in this ♪

♪ If you're on your way ♪

♪ I'm not gonna write you ♪
♪ Write you ♪

♪ To stay ♪

♪ If your heart
is nowhere in it ♪

♪ I don't want it
for a minute, babe ♪

♪ I'll walk the seven seas ♪

♪ Walk the seven seas ♪
♪ When I believe that there's ♪

♪ A reason to write you ♪
♪ Write you ♪

♪ A love song today ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ Hey, today ♪

♪ I won't write you
a love song ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ I won't write you
a love song ♪

♪ Today. ♪

Yay.

Thank you, guys, so much.

It's like my dads say... you
can't make new old friends.

No regrets?
– None.

But do you guys have to go?
Can you stay

a little bit longer? 'Cause I
would love to buy you dinner.

I'm in.
– Sure.

Good, okay.

I'm in no rush
to get back to Kentucky.

I think I could get used
to it here in New York.

It's more my speed.

You ready to write that essay?

No, I'm not.

Well, I've been doing a little
research, um, with some folks

that know you
really well, and...

they all seem to think that
you've actually accomplished

quite a bit.

Sam saved Sectionals last year

when we were short a member
and he moved back to McKinley.

He rescued our Nationals trophy.

And then he saved
Sectionals again this year

when he found out
the Warblers cheated.

Trouty Mouth inspired me
to try my hand at songwriting.

Sam was the first person
in America

to do a Sean Connery impression.

♪ Grouper Mouth... ♪

His impression is what made

Sean Connery's career
really take off.

♪ Froggy Lips. ♪

You know, Sam gave me
the courage to follow my dreams

and become a singer,
and without him I probably

would have never moved to LA.

And let's not forget
when Sam took care

of his entire family
after his dad lost his job.

They were living in a motel,
homeless, and Sam supported them.

I mean, that's pretty amazing.

He's a really
substantial person.

Now, that's... your essay.

Thanks... thanks, bro.

Don't mention it.

Hey, Artie.
– Oh, I'm sorry, do I need

to take my shirt off
while addressing you?

Listen, um, the bottom line is
that we have two empty months

in this calendar.
We want you to fill them,

and I-I totally understand,

you know, wanting to
keep your shirt on.

You want to be known for more
than just your massive biceps.

Look, it's hard enough
being the only one

in a chair posing
for this calendar.

I don't really want to be the
only one wearing clothes either.

You won't be.

You have such broad shoulders.

If you ever want to tap this,
seriously, just say the word.

So, how much smut money
did you raise?

About 350 bucks.

Another 50 and we've covered
the bus to Regionals.

Well, you're a worthy
adversary, Finn Hudson,

and that'll make you
all the more delicious

when I've got you
slowly roasting on a spit,

but, like, literally delicious.

Hey, you don't have
to wait in line.

I actually already
made one out for you.

Thank you.

I love you back.

Ugh! Gross!

Get a room!

"My future wife, Becky Jackson."

I wish you'd lose the shirt so
I can drool over that hot bod.

Well, listen, I
think you both are hot,

topless or not.
And do you know how I know?

'Cause I'm a genius.
– You know what?

I'm really excited
about this New Year.

Me, too... it's a
new year and a new me.

♪ Another year
you made a promise ♪

♪ Another chance
to turn it all around ♪

♪ And do not save this
for tomorrow ♪

♪ Embrace the past
and you can live for now ♪

♪ And I will give
the world to you ♪

♪ Speak louder
than the words before you ♪

♪ And give them meaning
no one else has found ♪

♪ The role we play
is so important ♪

♪ We are the voices
of the underground ♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ I ♪
♪ Will give the world to you ♪

♪ Say everything
you've always wanted ♪

♪ Be not afraid
of who you really are ♪

♪ 'Cause in the end
we have each other ♪

♪ And that's at least one thing
worth living for ♪

♪ And I ♪
♪ I ♪

♪ Would give the world to you ♪

♪ I pass ♪

♪ It back to you ♪

♪ And I ♪

♪ Will wait for you ♪

♪ 'Cause I would give
the world ♪

♪ And I would give the world ♪

♪ And I would give the world ♪

♪ To you... ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I would give ♪
♪ Oh... ♪

♪ The world to you ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ This is the New Year ♪

♪ Yeah ♪
♪ This is the New Year ♪

♪ A new beginning ♪

♪ You made a promise ♪
♪ You made a promise ♪

♪ You are the brightest ♪

♪ We are the voices ♪

♪ We are ♪

♪ Oh-ho ♪
♪ This is the New Year ♪

♪ We are the voices ♪

♪ This is the New Year ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ A new beginning ♪

♪ You made a promise ♪

♪ We are the voices ♪

♪ This is the New Year. ♪