Glee (2009–2015): Season 4, Episode 10 - Glee, Actually - full transcript

As 2012 draws to a close, Sam and Brittany live life to the fullest before the Mayan apocalypse. Meanwhile, Kurt has a Christmas he'll never forget.

(school bell ringing)

SUE: Dear Journal,

it's Christmas again...

that time of year when
parents aren't arrested

for forcing their children to sit

on an old man's weirdly hot lap.

That magical season when five
seemingly separate storylines

are cleverly sandwiched
between commercial breaks,

and then tied together at
the end like a beautiful bow.

Like that movie Love, Actually.

Which I don't think
anyone really cares for,

and yet it is constantly on cable.

(school bell ringing)

Whoa... hey, dude, are you all right?

Whoa, wh-wh-what
happened to your face?

I fell, okay?

The stupid janitor didn't
put salt on the ramp,

like he's supposed to, and
my wheels don't have chains,

so I slipped backwards
and tipped over on the ice.

It's fine. It's nothing.

No, no, no, no... hey, hey, hey.

That's not nothing.

That's some pretty serious road rash.

Let me take you to the
nurse's office, all right?

(school bell ringing)

You hit your head pretty hard.

I'm going to go call your mother.

Lay down till she gets here.

Want me to help you
get up on the cot? No.

I don't want anybody to
help me with anything.

I'm tired of being so helpless,

I'm tired of everybody pitying me,

and I'm tired of being
in this damn chair.

Anyone could have fallen
on the ice, all right?

Yeah, but they could've gotten back up,

instead of laying
there screaming for help

until some freshman girl showed up.

Dude, don't bite my head off.

But you need some rest,

so I'm going to help you out, all right?

I just wish I was never
in that dumb chair.

FINN (echoing): I know, buddy. I know.

(wind whistling)

♪ ♪

(school bell ringing)

ARTIE: Tina!


Can you believe it?

(stuttering): Believe what?

Why are you stuttering again?

She never stopped because
you never became friends.


What are you doing here?

And talk slowly, so
I can understand you.

I'm your Christmas guardian angel.

And I've granted your wish.

Your car accident never happened.

You were never in that dumb chair.

That's insane.

Don't believe me?

Ask Becky.

Merry Christmas, stud.

Want to fool around?
I can't get pregnant.

What? No.

Becky's the school slut now.

No one treats her with any respect.

But I do. I took her on a date.

No, you didn't.

You were too busy throwing
losers in Dumpsters

to give her any attention
or treat her with kindness,

and as a result, she never
learned any self-respect.

FINN: Hey! Hey, Kurt! Nice cape!

Who are you supposed
to be... Super Homo?

What are you guys doing?

Just having some fun
with Little Lord Gay Boy.

But you guys aren't
straight douche bags.

You sang Lady Gaga songs.

Keep telling those dirty lies,

and we'll break your friggin' legs.

Kurt, didn't you graduate?

I should've, but I couldn't
bear coming to school

more than twice a week,
because of all the bullying.

All the homeschooling
set me back a year.

What does Blaine say about that?

Who's Blaine?

Mr. Shue, thank God you're here.

We need to call an emergency
meeting of the glee club.

What glee club?

I couldn't get enough
of you brats interested

to get that lame idea off the ground.

Will, I need your paycheck
before you blow it all

on booze and flannel shirts.

Sheets and Things is
having a big Christmas sale,

and we desperately need an air purifier

for our moldy garbage
heap of an apartment.

That's a doll. Shh!

He's so drunk he doesn't
know the difference.


You're cute.

Where's Miss Pillsbury?

In Hawaii.

With her dear, sweet
husband Coach Tanaka.

It's a match made in
heaven, right, honey?

That's right.




(school bell ringing)

Rachel? What are you doing here?

You live in New York. You
go to the most prestigious

drama school in the country.

Well, I am gonna be in
the Lima Community Players'

production of The Music Man.

Tell me you're at least
playing Marian the Librarian.

No, that's the lead.
I'm just in the chorus.

Excuse me.


what's going on? Let go of me!

What happened you? What
happened to all of us?

(Rachel shouting)


Rory! Rory, where are you?

What's wrong?

What's wrong?!


How can everything be so messed up?

You weren't in a wheelchair,

so you were too busy playing
football to join Glee.

It turns out...

you were the glue of Glee, Artie.

The quiet, steady,
beating heart of the group.

No glue... no Glee.

I can fix this.

I can.

I'll get them all back together.

Just you watch, I'll fix it.

(school bell ringing)
You're probably wondering why

I've asked you all to
meet me in the choir room.

This is Coach Sue's craft room.

Well, in an alternate
universe, it was the choir room.

I had a dream about that once. I know.

And it was a place that
always made me feel safe.

And I know it did for a lot of you, too.

That's 'cause we danced
together, we sang together,

we took turns up here.

Like Finn said,

it's about the love of the music.

Dude, are you high?

I never said that.

Why don't you just
show us what you mean?

("Feliz Navidad" begins)

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad, prospero
año y felicidad ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Prospero año y felicidad ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ From the bottom of my heart ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad... ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Prospero año y felicidad ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad... ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Prospero año y felicidad ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ From the bottom of my heart ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ I wanna wish you
a merry Christmas ♪

♪ From the bottom of my heart. ♪

That was so gay.

(school bell ringing)

(sewing machines whirring)

Is that mine?


It's Quinn's.

Without the encouragement and support

from you and her friends in Glee,

Quinn was never able to walk again

after her accident.

Wait a minute, if
there was no Glee Club,

there was no Finchel wedding
for her to drive to, so...

Quinn texts and drives
in every timeline, Artie.

Okay. Why isn't she in it?

She died.


Of a broken heart.

Much like her body, her
spirit never recovered.

FINN (echoing): Come
on, dude, you mom's here.


You know, I could use some help here.

Come on, grab onto me.

(Finn grunts)

Sorry, Artie.

I know it really sucks being
in this chair sometimes.

For better or for worse,
this chair is a part of me.

It's made me who I am.

Well, if you're not
going to come to Lima,

then my dads and I
insist you come with us

to the Rosie O'Donnell
Gay Holiday Cruise.

It's going to be so much fun.

There's even going to be

a Jessie Tyler Ferguson
look-alike contest.

(gasps) Well, in that case,

I'm definitely gonna have to pass.

Honey, uh... And besides,

there's really no reason
to go to Lima, anyway.

My dad and Finn and Carole

are visiting Carole's
sister in Zanesville,

and she always has too
much eggnog and blacks out.

Happy holidays!

Well, what about Blaine?

I talk to him.

But, you know, he knows

that I'm saving my money for NYADA now.

And it'll be good to just
have some time for myself,

you know, and think about things and...

(knocking on door)

Can you get that?

RACHEL: Okay, what do
we need for this tree?

It's just hopeless...



(Burt laughing)


Season's greetings!

Oh, my God!

Well, I got a tree... you need one?

Come in!

Okay, all right. I got it, I got it.

(gasping, laughing)

Okay, you can let go now.


Come on, let's go look at it.

RACHEL (gasps): Oh, it's perfect.

Yeah, well, I couldn't imagine you guys

celebrating Christmas
without a real tree.

You know, his mom used
to always buy the tree.

I'd always tell her to wait till I

got home from work, but she never could.

And then, the first
Christmas after his mom died,

I totally forgot about it.

That is, until

I saw little Kurt

hanging his own special version

of a Christmas ornament

on his window shade Christmas Eve.


My mom's perfume bottle.

Oh, I always loved the way she smelled.

BURT: So I pull him out of bed,

I throw a coat on him,

I drive straight through a snowstorm,

right down to the Christmas tree sale.

It was the first time he
smiled since his mom died.

Okay, no tears on Christmas Eve.

This box is full of
happy memories, as well.

Like our Christmas trip to Dollywood.

Oh, yeah. That one I like.

That trip was for me.

Oh, and this redneck NASCAR trip,

that was for you. Hey,
this is a nice ornament.

Let's hang them.

All right, well, I wish I could stay,

but can't really be
late for a cruise, so...

Oh, hold on. You got to
open this before you go.

Uh, happy Hanukkah, merry Christmas.


It's for your first
New York holiday season.

Hang it together. Thank you.

And then you can go. Okay.


Kurt, okay, this, to our very first.

New York Christmas.

KURT: Ha. I never
thought I'd see this day.

Us walking down the streets of New York,

right after seeing a
live Broadway musical.

Well, the Rockettes might
have better legs than me,

but they can't touch my
"Single Ladies" performance.

That was the best
musical I've ever seen.

Ah, it's freezing!

I think it's time to check off another.

Hummel family tradition: Hot chocolate.

Kurt, I have something to tell you,

and I came here because
it's the kind of thing

I want to tell
you face-to-face.

Don't like the sound of that.

Look, I'm just going to

come out and say it
because there's no...

good way to say it.

Uh, I have prostate cancer.


Feel like I'm going to be sick.

No, no, hey, hey, look at me.

Do I look like a guy who's dying?

We caught it early.

You know, local stage, no spreading.

Cure rate's nearly 100%.

For healthy people, Dad.

You've already had a heart attack.

The heart attack is what, you know,

made me get checkups twice a year.

It's just really scary to think

that when I finally reach my destiny,

that you won't be around to see it.


I will be there.

I promise.

Look, can I just give
you one piece of advice

while we're still talking father to son?

This is three times I've had
to stare death in the eye.

And you know the one thing
I took away from all that?

You have got to hold the people you love

close to you no matter what.

Dad, you okay?

Do you need a pillow or tea, water?

No, Kurt, stop.

Come on, let's focus on happy things.

Like our Christmas traditions.

I am looking forward to watching
basketball on Christmas Day

while you pretend you watch with me.

You mean while I secretly read Vogue?

That was never a secret.

No, like our other Christmas traditions.

Like on Christmas Eve, where
we each exchange one gift.

My favorite part.

All right, you first.

Ah, I saw that.

(laughs) Nice.

I know it's cheesy, but
thought you'd like it.

Screw cheesy. I love it.

In México, they would
call me Señor Queso.

Look at this. Ah, man.

I love it, man.

You are going to kick
ass at that school.

That's the plan.

All right, my turn.

Okay, so my gift to you is really big.

It's too big to put under the tree.

Curiosity piqued.

Okay, so you can pick
it up at this address,

and, you know, if you don't like it,

you can return it.

Package for Kurt Hummel.



Your dad called me out of the blue

and wanted to fly me out here

just so I can see that look

on your face, and it's pretty priceless.

Actually, he told me everything,

and I promise, I'll keep
an eye on him for you.

But the reason why I'm here

is because he didn't want us to miss out

on another important holiday tradition.

Our Christmas duet?

You are happy to see me, right?

Yeah, yeah. Always.

Come on. Get your skates on.

It's almost midnight. Hurry up!

(Blaine scatting as
"White Christmas" begins)

♪ I'm dreaming ♪

♪ Of a white Christmas ♪

♪ With every Christmas
card I write ♪

♪ May your days, may
your days, may your days ♪

♪ Be merry and bright ♪

♪ And may all ♪

♪ Your Christmases be white ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ I-I-I-I'm
dreaming ♪

♪ Of a white Christmas ♪

♪ With every Christmas
card I write ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ May your days be merry ♪

♪ And bright ♪

♪ And may all ♪

♪ Your Christmases ♪

♪ Be white ♪

♪ I'm dreaming ♪

♪ Of a white Christmas. ♪

(both scatting)

(song ends)

(bell tolling)

Listen. Hey.

It's midnight.

It's Christmas.


No matter what, no matter where,

even if we're not together,

we're always going to
be there for each other.

(school bell ringing)

Oh, hey, Puckerman, yo.

You going African,

or are you more Hebrew for the holidays?

Yeah, Hanukkah or Kwanzaa? Which is it?





Hey! One Puckerman just ate your lunch.

What do you think's going
to happen when we unload

two barrels of Puckshot
into your ugly mugs?


What are you looking at?

What are you doing here?

Just scoping out some chicks,

doing a little research
for my screenplay.

You're a screenwriter now?

In L.A., you're nobody

unless you're somebody
in the movie business.

I'm almost done with my first script.

It's sci-fi, but it has
a high school element.

Wow. That sounds really cool, actually.

Well, if me being totally honest,

I also came back to talk to you.

I'm worried about you, dude.

Well, I'm fine.

Fine doesn't get into
fights in the hallway.

Think what you need is a little
mentoring from your big bro.

Come spend a few days
in La La Land with me.

Let's do Hanukkah together.

All you need is some
cash for gas and burritos.

My hog has a sweet sidecar.


You... you want me to ride

all the way to California in a sidecar?

Where's your sense of adventure?

(school bell ringing)

Noah Puckerman.

There should be a drive-on for us.

That's what they call
a pass that you get

when you're allowed
to drive on to the lot.

It's a technical term.

So, who's your meeting with?

Is it about your screenplay?

I'm just here networking today.

Played with the sweater puppies

of one of the assistants
of one of the guys

who produces one of the
NCISes, and she got me the pass.

Wow. You really are
making things happen.

It was inevitable.

If you're in Hollywood
and you're a Jew or a gay,

you basically got it made.

What are you doing?

I told you... networking.

We need to let all the
bigwigs here know who we are.

Or, more specifically, what we are.

("Oh Hanukkah" begins)

♪ Oh, Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah,
come light the menorah ♪

♪ Let's have a party,
we'll all dance the horah ♪

♪ Gather round the table,
we'll give you a treat ♪

♪ Sevivon to play with
and latkes to eat ♪

♪ And while we are playing ♪

♪ The candles are burning low ♪

♪ One for each night,
they shed a sweet light ♪

♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪

♪ One for each night,
they shed a sweet light ♪

♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪

♪ Oh, Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah,
come light the menorah ♪

♪ Let's have a party,
we'll all dance the horah ♪

♪ Gather round the table,
we'll give you a treat ♪

♪ Sevivon to play with
and latkes to eat ♪

♪ And while we are playing ♪

♪ The candles are burning low ♪

♪ One for each night,
they shed a sweet light ♪

♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪

♪ Oh, Hanukkah, oh, Hanukkah,
come light the menorah ♪

♪ Let's have a party,
we'll all dance the horah ♪

♪ Gather round the table,
we'll give you a treat ♪

♪ Sevivon to play with
and latkes to eat ♪

♪ And while we are playing ♪

♪ The candles are burning low ♪

♪ One for each night,
they shed a sweet light ♪

♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪

♪ One for each night,
they shed a sweet light ♪

♪ To remind us of days long ago ♪

♪ One for each night,
they shed a sweet light ♪

♪ To remind us of days long ago. ♪

Happy Hanukkah!

JAKE: I can't believe

that this is where you live.

PUCK: No, I'm just renting.

I think if I buy, I'd
want to be up in the hills.

One of those houses they shoot porn in.

Excuse me.

Aren't you the guy who cleans our pool?

Yeah, Mrs. Cross, hey.

I thought you were in
Hawaii for Christmas.

Yeah, we came back early.

You have five minutes
till I call the police.

Dude, why did you lie to me?

I didn't think you'd be
impressed by my apartment

in the Valley filled with Ikea furniture

I never figured out how to put together.

So all that screenwriter stuff...
is that just garbage, too?

Figured it was my only
chance to convince you

to come move out here with me.

I'm a sophomore, man.

I mean, I had to lie to my mom

and tell her I was going on
vacation in Fort Lauderdale

with Ryder and his family
just to get out here for this.

I'm a mess out here, dude.

It's lonely. I've got no friends.

It's impossible to meet people

'cause you spend the
whole day in your car.

Why didn't you just tell me that?

We are family.

I mean, I would've understood.

That your big brother is a loser?

Let's go back to Lima.

If we leave this afternoon,

we'll make it back by Christmas Eve.

If I go back, my mom's gonna make me

go to Breadstix for
dinner on Christmas Day

while my sister hangs out
with her Christian friends.

Cool. I'll go, too.

And I'll invite my mom.

My mom hates your mom.

Your mom hasn't ever even met my mom.

You feel lonely, you want
this feeling of family.

Fine, then let's you and
I... we'll make it happen.


How great is this lasagna?

I saw you once, you know.

I came into that diner
you were working at

after he told me about you.

You waited on me.

Acted like you had no idea who I was.

I didn't.

He never told me he was married.

He did not wear his ring
when we were together.

Is that how you make
yourself feel better?

Stop it.

He split on both of you.

You spent all these
years hating each other,

keeping me and my brother apart,

and for what?

To spite some jerk

who never loved any of us?

Puck's right.

We all have one thing in common:

He ran out on all of us.

This week with Puck was...


but it felt different

than being with a friend.

We're a family. Okay?

A pretty messed up
one, but still a family.

Your father really was an ass.

An epic ass. (Jake chuckles)

So let's drink a toast.

Yes, let's.

To the power of the holidays,

to new traditions and to an epic ass

that did one thing right:

He brought us together.

Cheers. Cheers.

Merry Hanukkah, dude.

Right back at you, bro.

(school bell ringing)

Hi, Marley.

Here's a Rolex. Merry Christmas.

Hi, Ryder.

Here's a three-week
vacation to Saint-Tropez.

What? Enjoy.


What's this?

Those are the keys to your
brand-new 2013 Toyota Camry.

Brittany, what are you doing?

Um, well, last week, I decided to watch

a documentary about
the Mayan Apocalypse,

which arrives on December 21, 2012.

So I decided to cash in all
my savings so my friends and I

could enjoy what's left of
our lives to the fullest.


Merry Christmas, everybody.

(school bell ringing)

Hey, Brittany.

Um, can I ask you a question?

Yeah, not if you're gonna tell me

that the Mayan Apocalypse isn't real.

'Cause the documentary I watched
was on the History Channel,

involving real actors
portraying real events.

No, listen.

I believe it, too.

(school bell ringing) Fact.

2012 is the year that Kim Il-Sung,

founder of North Korea,
would've turned 100.

Divide 100 by ten, the
percentage of Americans

that believe the world will
end on the 21st of December,

and you get ten...
Mexico's rank in the world

as a tourist destination...

whose president expects
the Mayan Apocalypse

to attract 52 million
people to his country.

It's all right there.

All anyone has to do
is look at the numbers.

I'm terrified.

And we need to purify ourselves
for the last day of b'ak'tun,

the 144,000-day cycle
of the Mayan Calendar.

Totally. We need to
tell everyone we know

how we really feel about them.

(school bell ringing)

You guys, welcome to the first meeting

of the 2012 Mayan Apocalypse Club.

Wait, that's what this is?

Don't worry, it's also the last meeting.

BRITTANY: Because we're all so close,

Sam and I wanted to bring you here

so we could finally tell you
our true feelings about you.


acting is a pipe dream for you,

and your decision to
pursue it as a career

is both irresponsible and shocking.

Joe, you haven't really made
much of an impression on me,

and I don't really
know what your deal is.

Wait a second. This
is the worst club ever.

We're not gonna just sit
here and let you insult us.

I wasn't gonna insult you;
All I wanted to tell you

was that I think you're delightful.

Guys, you can't leave yet;
You're gonna miss the best part!

Okay, merry Christmas to you two.

Guys, we're not even gonna

make it to Christmas!

I can't believe how naive they are.

I know.

Some people just can't
face the cold, hard fact

that this earth is really just
the back of a giant crocodile

that's destroyed and
recreated every 500 years.

Well, at least we have each other.


And since the world is
gonna end before Christmas,

in the meantime, this will have to do.

(playing Bobby Helms'
"Jingle Bell Rock")

♪ Jingle bell, jingle
bell, jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bells swing
and jingle bells ring ♪

♪ Snowing and blowing
up bushels of fun ♪

♪ Now the jingle hop has begun ♪

♪ Jingle bell, jingle
bell, jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bells chime
in jingle bell time ♪

♪ Dancing and prancing
in jingle bell square ♪

♪ In the frosty air ♪

♪ What a bright time,
it's the right time ♪

♪ To rock the night away ♪

♪ Jingle bell time is a swell time ♪

♪ To go gliding in
a one-horse sleigh ♪

♪ Giddyap, jingle horse,
pick up your feet ♪

♪ Jingle around the clock ♪

♪ Mix and a-mingle
in the jingling beat ♪

♪ That's the jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bell, jingle
bell, jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bell chime
in jingle bell time ♪

♪ Snowing and blowing
up bushels of fun ♪

♪ Now the jingle hop has begun ♪

♪ Giddyap, jingle horse,
pick up your feet ♪

♪ Jingle around the clock ♪

♪ Mix and a-mingle
in the jingling beat ♪

♪ That's the jingle bell,
that's the jingle bell ♪

♪ That's the jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bell, jingle
bell, jingle bell rock ♪

♪ Jingle bell, jingle
bell, jingle bell ♪

♪ Rock. ♪

(song ends with flourish)



And here's another rock.


before the world ends,

will you marry me?

(school bell ringing)

Are you sure you're
qualified to marry us?

You betcha, kiddo.

I went on a Mayan Church Web site

and I got ordained... if you're
really serious about doing this.

Yeah. I want Brittany
and I to meet Q'uq'umatz,

the feathered snake god, together.

Put your hands here.

Brittany, I've always
thought you were super hot

and really smart,

but what I didn't know was
that you were going to end up

being my soul mate.

Who knows what the future holds for us?

Probably tsunamis and
horrible sea monsters.

But now I'm not worried about
that, because I have you.

Sam, when you first
joined the glee club,

I didn't notice for a while.

It wasn't until you did
a Rich Little impression

and then told me it was
a Rich Little impression

and explained who Rich Little was

that I just... I knew you were special.

And I can't tell you how excited I am

to become your Mayan star-wife.

BEISTE: You may kiss your bride.

It's December 18.

Three days till the end.

Let's make this time count.

(birds chirping)


It's December 22.

We survived the Mayan Apocalypse.

You know what this means?

The world didn't end.

We're also married.

(school bell ringing)

You know, I hate to ask you something

during your midday ritual of devouring

an entire animal carcass,
so here goes nothing.

What's going on here?

It's the faculty and staff Secret Santa!

And you really couldn't
swallow first, could you?



Millie Rose.

Who the hell's Millie Rose?

She's a sweetheart. She
works in the cafeteria.

She's a big lady, and I think
her daughter's in the glee club.

(school bell ringing)

How about this one?

Becky, it's a beautiful
sweater from Benetton.

Epic fail!

I already got one of these, Coach!

Get me something I don't already have!

Like what? Like a hot date!

Or a snowmobile!

Oh, Becky, you're not the
only person I have to shop for.

I got to get something for that
hideous wad of a lunch lady,

who somehow was able to squeeze out

a ravishing, golden-throated,

raven-haired beauty from
those monstrous, gaping loins.


What do you get the woman
who's eaten everything?

(school bell ringing)

Just to be clear, no presents this year.

That money is going to a therapist

who specializes in eating disorders.

We're not playing around here.

I know, Mom.

I know this is serious.

I have a problem, and
I want to get better.

Besides, we don't really need anything.

Not even a tree?


a tree is $50,

and a session with Dr. Goodsitt is $200.

I don't need to tell you that
I don't make a lot of money.

I will be damned if
I waste a penny of it

before my daughter is healthy enough

to realize what a
beautiful miracle she is.


MRS. ROSE: If you
want to give me a gift,

sing me something.


♪ The first Noel ♪

♪ The angel did say ♪

♪ Was to certain poor shepherds ♪

♪ In fields as they lay ♪

♪ Noel, Noel ♪

♪ Noel, Noel... ♪

♪ Born is the king ♪

♪ Of Israel. ♪

That, right there,

is the best Christmas
gift I have ever gotten.

(school bell ringing)

Well, Becky,

I feel absolutely horrible.

I've become selfish and spoiled,

and incredibly out of touch.

Look at this tree.

Yes, it has a stark beauty all its own.

But did I really need to cut down

a 7,000-year-old
bristlecone pine

just to hang ornaments on it?

It just seems frivolous.

Becky, I just made a call

to a guy in the antiquities business.

He's got contacts in the
luxury toothpick market.

You and I are gonna sell him this tree,

and we're going to give the proceeds

to a very important cause.

(school bell ringing)

MRS. ROSE: Marley? Marley!

Marley, get down here, sweetie.

Oh, my God.

I know.

Yeah, the back door was jimmied open,

I was gonna call the police,
and then I saw all this. Mom.

Look at this sweater.

It's... I think it's from Benetton.

Oh, sweet Lord...

I am gonna pass out.
Marley... Oh, my God.

Marley, there's $800 here.

(laughs) Oh, my God.

Merry Christmas, Mom!

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

We should probably
still call the police.

ANNIE: I actually think
I knew it was really over

when he tried to pick up on my sister...

at her baby shower.


Aw, look at 'em.

Laughing, trading war
stories about us kids.

It's a true Hanukkah miracle.

You know, I'm really gonna miss
you when you go back to L.A.

I was thinking about that.

I mean, I'm a screenwriter.
I can write anywhere.

And I'm sure most of my
pool-cleaning clients in Lima

would take me back, so...

So you're moving back home?

L.A. is great, but...

someone needs to look
after you and our moms.

So we're not actually married.

There aren't actually any
Mayan church Web sites.

The Mayans were wiped out 500 years ago

by the conquistadors and smallpox.

That's like chickenpox, but smaller.

Look, when I heard the two
of you were getting engaged,

I thought to myself,
these kids are two...

special kids.

The last thing we need
is another teen tragedy

of marrying too young,

popping out a couple
kids before you're 20

and ending up with
your faces blurred out

on an episode of Cops.

I'm happy to have more time with Sam.

I just... I feel empty
since the world didn't end.

Yeah, like everything
was just so energized

for those few days, and I felt
so close to everyone, and...

It... it was really awesome.
I just miss that feeling.

(imitates phone buzzing)

Hey, look at my phone.

Huh. I got a Google alert
about the Mayan calendar.

It says, uh...

some archaeologist named Indiana Jones

found a new Mayan calendar today.

That's remarkable.

Dr. Jones said that the
new end of the world date

is September 27, 2014.

That gives us like two whole years

of giving love and brutal
honesty to everyone we know.

So, who's winning?

Celtics. Celtics.

Okay, I tried.

Ah... 20 seconds. Oh!

Pay up, Anderson.

You may have dated
him, but I raised him.

I know my son.

Aw, you couldn't have
just toughed it out

for just a few more seconds, Kurt?

No. Just a few more seconds.

So... graduating...

Plans for the future?

Uh... well...

I haven't talked about this with Kurt,

and I wouldn't do anything

to make him uncomfortable,

but I was thinking about

applying to NYADA.

Would that be okay?

I think that'd be great.

Me, too.

(school bell ringing, knock on door)

Could I talk to you for a second, Coach?

I wanted to say thank you

for what you did for Marley and me.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

I had nothing to do with
the making of that film.

I bribed Becky Jackson with candy,

and she told me everything.

You're very generous,

but, um... (clears throat)

I'm afraid I can't accept this money.

Well, you and I both know

how hard it is to be a single mother.

So take the money,

and make sure that daughter
of yours gets better.

Is that understood?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

please sideways-step yourself
the hell out of my office.

Uh... would you come with me?

Marley wanted to say thank you, too.

Does this involve the glee club

singing a Christmas
song in the auditorium

with snow falling on an
elaborate winter scene?

(school bell ringing)

Yep, okay. This is exactly
what I just described.

Coach Sylvester, I wanted to
thank you for what you did.

So I called Artie, and he
helped pull all this together.

Well, it's a testament
to how little you know me

if you think this is
something I would enjoy.

("Have Yourself a Merry
Little Christmas" begins)

♪ Have yourself ♪

♪ A merry little Christmas ♪

♪ Let your heart be light ♪

♪ From now on our troubles ♪

♪ Will be out of sight ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh... ♪

♪ Have yourself a
merry little Christmas ♪

♪ Make the Yuletide gay ♪

♪ From now on ♪

♪ Our troubles will be miles away ♪

♪ Here we are as in olden days ♪

♪ Happy golden days ♪

♪ Of yore ♪

♪ Faithful friends
who are dear to us ♪

♪ Gather near to us ♪

♪ Once more ♪
♪ Once more... ♪

♪ Once more... ♪

♪ Through the years ♪

♪ We all will be together ♪

♪ If the fates allow ♪

♪ Hang a shining star ♪

♪ Upon the highest bough ♪

♪ And have yourself ♪

♪ A merry little Christmas now ♪

♪ Faithful friends
who are dear to us ♪

♪ Gather near to us ♪

♪ Once more ♪

♪ Through the years ♪

♪ We all will be together ♪

♪ If the fates allow ♪

♪ Hang a shining star ♪

♪ Upon the highest bough ♪

♪ And have yourself ♪

♪ A merry little Christmas ♪

♪ Now. ♪

Merry Christmas!