Glee (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 7 - I Kissed a Girl - full transcript

As the race for McKinley High President comes to an end, someone is caught trying to fix the results. Meanwhile, Coach Beiste gets up the nerve to challenge Sue Sylvester and things get complicated for Puck and Quinn.

So here's what
you missed on Glee:

Coach Beiste is head over heels
for a guy

named Cooter
who's a football recruiter.

Rachel's running for class
president against Kurt and Brittany

and a guy from the hockey team.

Vote Rick "The Stick"!

Burt's running for Congress
against Sue

and Reggie "The Sauce,"
this guy who owns a pizza chain

and who's gonna air a
commercial that'll out Santana.

Everyone's gonna know now,
because of you!

She thought the whole thing
was Finn's fault,

so she slapped him really hard

in front of God and everybody.

And that's what
you missed on Glee.

I'm sorry, but since a student
had lit firecrackers

stuffed down his pants
three years ago,

we've had a zero tolerance
physical violence policy.

Is that why you suspended
all the kids who have been

tossing slushees in our faces
for the past two years?

Slushees are not on the school
board's approved list

of suspend-worthy weapons.

Here's what you have to
understand: I didn't do it.

We all saw
what happened.

You slapped Finn in the face,

No. See, you don't get it.

When I get really pissed off,
Santana gets taken over

by my other evil personality.
I call her "Snixxx."

Her wrath of words is called
"Snixxx juice."

I'm kind of like
the Incredible Hulk.

You can't blame me for anything
Snixxx does.

I'm suspending you
and this Snixxx two weeks.

No argument.

Sectionals is next week.
If you suspend me, I won't be

able to beat Grimace
and Mr. Shue's butts.

Ms. Corcoran, I highly recommend
you do something about this.

I'm sorry, Santana,
Sectionals is important,

but you need to be
punished for what you did.

I hate to say it, but I agree.

This is garbage.

Hamburglar Finn is fine.

She didn't slap me.

I know that it looked
and sounded like she did,

but she actually didn't.

What is it called in a play

or a movie when you pretend to
hit someone but you don't?

A stage slap?

It was a stage slap.

That's what it was.

- What is your angle here, Finn?
- The truth.

If she didn't
actually hit me,

then you can't
suspend her, right?


Then that's what happened.

(bell rings)

I'm a mischievous bitch,

but I can't for the life
of me figure out

what the hell
this is about.

Well, I want Sectionals
to be a fair fight.

And that can't happen without
you on the Trouble Tones.

Well, actually, it would only be
a fair fight

with me off the team.

And I also kind of feel
bad for you.

Look, I know we've been
at each other a lot

over these past
couple of years,

but the truth is I think
you're awesome.

And when you hide
who you are,

I feel like you hide

part of that awesomeness
with it.

And that's why you act out

because you hurt inside...
every day.

That's sweet...

but if you think that,
in exchange for keeping me

from getting suspended,
I'm gonna come...

- ...back to the Glee Club?
- Exactly.

You and all the Trouble Tones.
I have an idea

for a lesson but it won't work
out if you're not there.

Did Ms. Corcoran and Mr. Shue
already agree to this?

Look, it's up to you.

Either you can come back
to the choir room

and embrace your awesome
or take a two-week vacation

and enjoy your seat in the
audience for Sectionals.

(bell ringing)

RACHEL: I haven't been
this worried about a vote

since Lambert versus Allen.

Kurt needs this election
to get into NYADA.

More importantly, he's
clearly the superior candidate.

I mean, come on.

If elected,

I will make sure to have sugary
treats available at all times.

It helps the concentration.

That's what
George Washington said.

I had to take a stand.

She's bribing the students
with Pixy Stix.

Buying votes is illegal.

It's also delicious.

Nobody cares.

They're all so lost
in their own worlds

that they can't see how
important this is to me.

Elections have consequences,

and the consequence of Brittany
winning this election is

that I'll have to move to
New York without my best gay.

What if I need
an emergency makeover

or a last-minute soufflé?

JACOB: How's the concession
speech going?

Can I print
an early copy on my blog?

Who says I'm ready to concede?

I'm leading that hockey playing
kid by ten percent.

But that's mostly because

he's in a medically
induced coma after

being brutally checked
in a game last week.

Also, you're trailing Brittany
by 17 points.

If this was a horse race,
you'd be glue.

And te glue that keeps
this school together

when he gets
elected president.

Oh, my God, it's Brittany.
Madam President?

Don't worry about it, okay?

We still have the rest of the day
to change the minds of the voters.

What's the point?

I'm gonna lose unless
I pull a JFK.

You're gonna shoot Brittany?

No, no... when Kennedy ran
against Nixon in 1960,

he had all his Mob buddies in
Chicago stuff the ballot boxes

so that he would win

It won him the presidency.

Wait... No!

No, I can't
let you do this, okay?

Come on. Can't we just do, like,
a great duet in the cafeteria

or the library to just
drum up some support?

I have Kennedy's
impeccable hairline.

I know.

Why can't I have his ends-
justify-the-means mentality?

If I lose, and my resume
remains blank,

I'm not gonna get into NYADA.

And I can't accept that.

You're seriously
considering cheating?

What choice do I have?

(bell ringing)

Can someone tell us
what's going on, please?

This week, the Trouble Tones
and New Directions!

will both be
singing music created

- by ladies and for ladies.
- Oh, hell no.

Next week, all of us will be
going to Sectionals,

and one of us is
probably gonna win.

But, Santana, we're
worried about you.

Worry about yourself,
fetus face.

Glee's about learning how to
accept yourself for who you are,

no matter
what other people think.

And that's what this music
is all about.

So, wait, I don't even
get a say in this? Not cool.

Everybody in this room knows
about you and Brittany.

And we don't judge
you for it.

We celebrate it
because it's who you are.

Look, I know not everybody
outside of this room

is as accepting and cool,

but we're doing this assignment
this week so that you know

in this rotten, stinking mean
world that you at least have

a group of people who
will support your choice

to be whoever
you want to be.

That's it.

That's what
we're doing here.

Blaine? Kurt?

Santana, Kurt and I have a song

we like to sing to
each other in the car.

And we want to sing
that for you right now.

While there's nothing I'd love
more than having

two Pretty Ponies serenade me,
I think we'd get further

staging a "gel-ervention" for
Blaine than singing lady music.

I know it's hard.
It was hard for me, too.

But you can get
through this.

If you could just stop
being so defensive.

I'm trying, but your hideous
bow ties are provoking me.

Wait, are we talking lady
on lady or girl on girl?

'Cause there's
a big difference.

Puck, focus, okay?

Kurt, Blaine, why don't you
kick us off with what you got?

(Pink's "Perfect" begins)

♪ Made a wrong turn
once or twice ♪

♪ Dug my way out,
blood and fire ♪

♪ Bad decisions,
that's all right ♪

♪ Welcome to my silly life ♪

♪ Mistreated, misplaced,
misunderstood ♪

♪ Miss No-way-it's-all-good ♪

♪ It didn't slow me down ♪

♪ Mistaken,
always second-guessing ♪

♪ Underestimated, look,
I'm still around ♪

♪ Pretty, pretty please ♪

♪ Don't you ever, ever feel ♪

♪ Like you're less than,
less than perfect ♪

♪ Pretty, pretty please ♪

♪ If you ever, ever feel
like you're nothing ♪

♪ You are perfect to me ♪

♪ The whole world stared,
so I swallowed the fear ♪

♪ The only thing I should be
drinking is an ice-cold beer ♪

♪ So cool in lying,
and we try, try, try ♪

♪ But we try too hard,
and it's a waste of my time. ♪

♪ Done looking for the critics
'cause they're everywhere ♪

♪ They don't like my jeans,
they don't get my hair ♪

♪ Strange ourselves,
and we do it all the time ♪

♪ Why do we do that? ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Oh, pretty, pretty please ♪

♪ Pretty, pretty please,
if you ever, ever feel ♪

♪ Like you're nothing ♪

♪ You are perfect to me. ♪

(cheering, whooping)

That's good! That's great!
How about that?

Thank you, guys.

Thank you, Finn, especially.

You know, with all the horrible crap
I've been through in my life...

now I get to add that.

(bell ringing)

Dear Journal,

My campaign is in crisis.

Polls have me neck-and-neck

with Reggie "The Sauce"

and his ad is set
to run any day now.

Why would someone assume I'm
a friend of Ellen just because

I'm mannish and highly
aggressive and have short hair

and I only wear
track suits and I coach

a girl's sport
and I married myself?

It just doesn't make sense.

The truth is, Journal,
I'm attracted to men.

Sure, I can't stand watching
them eat or talking to them,

but when it comes
to getting sexy,

this gal's got a hole in her
heart only a fella can fill.

Salazar's ad will put my
campaign on life-support,

and if I want to win this race,

I need 20 cc's
of man-candy, stat!

So which one of
my hookups is ready

for a prime-time photo op?

Dan Quayle? Too needy.

Stephen Baldwin? Train wreck.

Oliver North. Biter.

Matt Lauer? Too much crying.

Johnny Cochran?

Pretty sure he's dead.


That's the kind of guy I need.

Better luck next time,
David Boreanaz.

Sue Sylvester's found her man.

(bell rings)

What is that animal you appear
to be so noisily enjoying?

A chicken stuffed in a duck,

jammed in a turkey...
a turducken.

- It's like a barnyard in a bite.
- Wow.

I've been exhausted lately,
and I'm trying to eat as much

protein as I can
to keep up my strength.

Why are you so tired?

I've been working hard

as the student election advisor,

and my nights have been much
more, well, busier lately.

Well, if you need help with
anything, just let us know.


I could use some help counting
the election ballots.

My quadriceps have been
trembling like jelly all day.

Cooter really pushed me
to my limit last night.

So I take it things
are going well

between you
and Mr. Mankins?

Last night, Cooter asked
me to do something

I never imagined I'd be doing.

You think you can
handle this, Shannon?

Give it to me, Cooter.

distorted grunt)

Our connection is so amazing

and we have so much
in common.

I really feel like
I met my match.

We are so happy for you, Coach.

Cooter Mankins...

he's the only one for me.


(Melissa Etheridge's
"I'm the Only One" begins)

♪ Please, baby, can't you see
my mind's a burning hell? ♪

♪ I got razors a-rippin'
and tearing and strippin' ♪

♪ My heart apart as well ♪

♪ Tonight you told me that
you ache for something new ♪

♪ And some other woman
is looking like something ♪

♪ That might be good for you ♪

♪ Go on and hold her till
the screaming is gone ♪

♪ Go on, believe her when she
tells you nothing's wrong ♪

♪ Ho-ho, but I'm the only one ♪

♪ Who'll walk across
the fire for you ♪

♪ And I'm the only one who'll
drown in my desire for you ♪

♪ It's only fear that
makes you run ♪

♪ The demons that
you're hiding from ♪

♪ When all your promises
are gone ♪

♪ I'm the only one ♪

♪ Please, baby, can't you see? ♪

♪ I'm trying to explain ♪

♪ I've been here before
and I'm locking the door ♪

♪ And I'm not
going back again ♪

♪ Her eyes and arms and skin
won't make it go away ♪

♪ You'll wake up tomorrow
and wrestle the sorrow ♪

♪ That holds you down today ♪

♪ Go on and hold her till
the screamin' is gone ♪

♪ Go on, believe her when she
tells you nothing's wrong ♪

♪ Well, I'm the only one who
walked across the fire for you ♪

♪ And I'm the only one who'll
drown in my desire for you ♪

♪ It's only fear that
makes you run ♪

♪ The demons that
you're hiding from ♪

♪ When all your promises
are gone ♪

♪ I'm the only one ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

That was for you...


Yeah, I know I was just
part of a phase,

but whatever, happy to oblige,

- You kicked ass on that song.
- Thank you.

Do think you need to get
your eyes checked, though.

Say what?

You sang almost the whole song to Shelby.
You hardly even noticed me.

Yeah, that was so that
she would think of me...

think of us...

as the only ones that could
take care of Beth and stuff.

The song was mainly about
baby-sitting for me.

Look, my mom is going on a
Christian wine-tasting boat

down the Ohio River
on Friday.

The Jesus Booze Cruise.

So I'm going to have
the house to myself.

Want to come over, order in,

rent a movie and not watch it?

Remember in the hospital
after Beth was born?

You told me you loved me.

We can get that back.

Sorry. Not interested.

Let me be more clear.

If you come over on Friday,

you get to have sex with me.

Look, I was into you
pretty hard a couple years ago

'cause you were hot
like a pixie and I thought

you were pretty much cooler than
every other girl in the school,

but turns out,
you're kind of nuts.

You're higher maintenance than
Berry and pretty much the most

selfish person I've ever
met in my life.

So thanks for the offer,

but I'd rather
raw dog a beehive.

(bell ringing)

So, what do you think
of the new assignment?

It's pretty sweet, right?

Do you realize
you're basically

forcing me out
of the flannel closet?

Salazar's ad's going to run.

That's what's forcing
you to deal with this.

Why are you getting
so worked up about this?

'Cause I don't want
you to die.

A few weeks ago,
some kid who made one

of those "It Gets Better"
videos killed himself.

You deal with your anxiety
surrounding this stuff

by attacking other people,

and someday, that's not
going to be enough

and you might start
attacking yourself.

Well, thanks, but that's
never going to happen.

I'd miss me too much.

Look, you were my first.

That means something to me.

You mean something to me.

If something ever were
to happen to you,

and I didn't do
everything that I could

to try and stop it, I'd never
be able to live with myself.

(slow version of "Girls Just
Wanna Have Fun" begins)

♪ I came home
in the middle of the night ♪

♪ My father says what you gonna
do with your life? ♪

♪ Well, Daddy dear,
you're still number one ♪

♪ Oh, girls,
they wanna have fun ♪

♪ Oh, girls, they... ♪

♪ The phone rings
in the middle of the night ♪

♪ My mother says when you gonna
live your life right? ♪

♪ Well, Mother dear,
we're not the founate ones ♪

♪ Oh, girls,
they wanna have fun ♪

♪ Oh, girls, they... ♪

♪ It's all they really want... ♪

♪ Those girls,
they want to have fun ♪

♪ Some boys
take a beautiful girl ♪

♪ Oh, and they hide her away ♪

♪ From the rest of the world ♪

♪ But not me ♪

♪ I wanna be the one
in the sun ♪

♪ Girls, they wanna have fun ♪

♪ Oh, girls, they... ♪

♪ That's all they really want ♪

♪ Those girls,
they wanna have fun. ♪

Thank you.

We love you, Santana.

(bell ringing)

One four-cheese, ass-kickin',
triple-dippin' chicken taquitos.

Double the chicken.

One Big Daddy Chicken Patty
with extra chicken.

And instead of a side...

- More chicken...
- you just want more chicken.

Yeah. Smile for the camera.

Get those to
the Lima Times ASAP.

Sure thing, Coach.

Hey, Cooter.

What are you doing here?

Oh, hey, Coach.

Just, uh... just grabbing
some dinner with Sue here.

Excuse me, Bluto, but I'm
on a date with my man,

enjoying some disgusting
creamy pasta,

and phoners with several
major media outlets.

So why don't you just
hurry on to your next

face-widening session

at the John Travolta
Institute for Head Thickening

and Facial Weight Gain.

You're on a date?

Y... Yeah, I guess.

Listen, Home Perm,

Cooter's been my
regular booty call

(phone vibrates)
since the late 1990s...

Oop! My iPhone 5 is vibrating.
That's a new feature

of the iPhone 5...
they vibrate now.

And I have to take this... it's
a reporter from USA Today,

the newspaper for people
who can't read.

It's nice to see you, Cooter.

Hey, Shannon, Shannon...

You okay?


(voice breaking):
No, I'm not.

I thought you and I were
doing stuff, and stuff.

Shannon, I didn't think
you were interested.

Every time I gather up the courage
to ask you out on a date,

we end up lifting weights at
the gym or at a protein seminar.

So, last time, I said to
myself, "Dang it, Coot,"

you just gotta make a move."

And so I tried
to hold your hand,

- and you punched me.
- It was a reflex.

I thought you were trying
to steal my class ring.

I like you, Shannon, and I
like hanging out with you,

but the truth is,
I can't tell

what's going on with us.
I'm not looking for a buddy.

I'm a grown man.

I mean, I need more than that.

I don't have to ask who you
lovely ladies are voting for.

- I'm Team Britt all the way.
- I'm voting for the hockey player.

Rick "The Stick" Nelson.

Well, I wouldn't worry too much

about a spare vote
here or there, Brittany.

My exit polling is putting you
well ahead of Lady Hummel.

This election is "ovah"!

That's right!

Come on.

One last interview
before you lose.

- Hey, hey, hey, give it a break.
- Hey, just one more! Just a word!

God, I feel like a lamb waiting
in line to be slaughtered.

Chin up, Kurt.

It's not over till all
the votes are counted.

Yep, and you're
going to get loads.

Look, look, Quinn is going into
the voting booth right now.

She's definitely going
to vote for you.

QUINN: I like what Kurt stands
for, and Brittany is insane,

but just like my dad always
voted for the candidate

that was least ethnic,

I'm voting for the one
who's most girl.

MERCEDES: Brittany is
my Trouble Tones home girl,

but thank God
for secret ballots

because if Santana's
girlfriend wins this election

I'm never going to hear
the end of it.

KURT: If I lose, I don't have a
chance of getting into NYADA.

It's not fair...
the difference between

my dreams coming true and
managing a Sonic Burger

depends on how many people
check a stupid box.

Hey, how's it going?

I can't believe I agreed to let
District hold polling places

in our gym today.

It's like she's
rubbing it in my face.

Don't take it personally.

It's all just a big campaign
strategy for her.

Coach Sue wants
you to have this.

She says she hopes
it rubs it in your face.

I don't understand
what happened.

He said I was

Aw, man, I'm so bummed out,
I feel like I'm living

one of the tragic
country music songs.

Well, then you need to go
tell him how you feel.

WILL: We're going to go vote, and
you just got to go for it, okay?

When this is all
over and done with,

Sue's going to lose
the election and the guy.


(intro to Dolly Parton's
"Jolene" begins)

♪ Jolene, Jolene ♪

♪ Jolene, Jolene... ♪

♪ I'm begging of you, please ♪

♪ Don't take my man ♪

♪ Jolene, Jolene ♪

♪ Jolene, Jolene... ♪

♪ Please don't take him
just because you can ♪

♪ Your beauty
is beyond compare ♪

♪ With flaming locks
of golden hair ♪

♪ With ivory skin
and eyes of emerald green ♪

♪ Your smile is like
a breath of spring ♪

♪ Your voice is soft
like summer rain ♪

♪ And I cannot compete
with you, Jolene ♪

♪ He talks about you
in his sleep ♪

♪ And there's nothing
I can do to keep ♪

♪ From crying, when he calls
your name, Jolene ♪

♪ And I could
easily understand ♪

♪ How you could
easily take my man ♪

♪ But you don't know
what he means to me, Jolene ♪

♪ Jolene ♪

♪ Jolene, Jolene, Jolene ♪

♪ Please don't take him
even though you can ♪

♪ Jolene ♪

♪ Jolene ♪

♪ Jolene. ♪

Are you... are
you okay, Coach?

Yeah. Fine.

Are you?

Yep. I'm, I'm great.

Thank you.

(bell ringing)

Saw the commercial.

Whew. Smokin'.

Who the hell are you?

Josh Comen.
Sophomore rugby captain.

Girls like you
are a challenge.

You just need the right
guy to straighten you out,

and I'm just
the man to do it.

Move your busted creeper ass.


Easy, girls. I'm just trying
to make her normal.

- She is normal.
- It's not a choice, idiot.

But even if it were,
you'd be our last choice.

Oh, I get it.
You're all a bunch of lesbos.

So what if we are? You don't
stand a chance either way.


Walk away.

♪ This was never
the way I planned ♪

♪ Not my intention ♪

♪ I got so brave,
drink in hand ♪

♪ Lost my discretion ♪

♪ It's not what I'm used to ♪

♪ Just wanna try you on ♪

♪ I'm curious for you ♪

♪ Caught my attention ♪

♪ I kissed a girl
and I liked it ♪

♪ The taste of her
cherry Chapstick ♪

♪ I kissed a girl
just to try it ♪

♪ I hope my boyfriend
don't mind it ♪

♪ It felt so wrong ♪

♪ It felt so right ♪

♪ Don't mean
I'm in love tonight ♪

♪ I kissed a girl
and I liked it ♪

♪ I liked it ♪

♪ Us girls, we are so magical ♪

♪ Soft skin, red lips ♪

♪ So kissable ♪

♪ Hard to resist,
so touchable ♪

♪ Too good to deny it ♪

♪ Ain't no big deal,
it's innocent... ♪

♪ I kissed a girl
and I liked it ♪

♪ The taste of
her cherry Chapstick ♪

♪ I kissed a girl
just to try it ♪

♪ I hope my boyfriend
don't mind it ♪

♪ It felt so wrong ♪

♪ It felt so right ♪

♪ Don't mean
I'm in love tonight ♪

♪ I kissed a girl
and I liked it ♪

♪ I liked it. ♪

(applause, cheering)

Come here.

Okay, okay. Update, y'all.

Um, I told my parents
last night,

and they were actually
okay with it.

No way!

I just have to tell my Abuela

before she sees that
stupid commercial.

But luckily she only
watches Univision.

Excuse me, New Directions! and
Trouble Tones singing groups.

Mr. Kurt Hummel, I need to see
you in my office immediately.

First of all, Mr. Hummel,

congratulations on your
early exit poll numbers.

Things are looking very
good indeed for you.

Thank you, Figgins. Now can you
tell me why I'm here today?

There seems to have been
some irregularities

with the student
council ballot boxes.

What do you mean
by irregularities?

Kurt won...
but by 190 votes.

Well, that's great!


Well, the problem
is there's more

ballots than there are seniors,

and Kurt won by a
suspiciously wide margin.

No, no, I-I didn't do it.

I didn't cheat, I mean, I mean
I thought about it, but I-I-I...

What do you mean
you thought about it?

I... I thought about it because
I-I-I wanted to win so badly,

and I was worried
that I wouldn't.

But, but, I didn't cheat.
I-I worked really hard on this.

I didn't cheat!

(bell ringing)

Someone stuffed
the ballot boxes.

They think I did it.

If they can prove it,
I could be suspended.

- Oh, my God, Kurt...
- And I lost.

I lost the election.

I lost the lead
in West Side Story.

I can forget about
New York and NYADA,

'cause they'll never
take me now.

You know, the worst part
is that I really,

for a second, thought I won.

Kurt, I'm-I'm so sorry...

I have to find Blaine.

Rachel, I want you to
know, I didn't do this.

I did it.

What? What were you thinking?

I-I-I... I wasn't thinking.

I-I just... I wanted
to help him so bad.

♪ ♪

- You have to go tell Figgins.
- I can't, I'll get suspended.

Rachel, Kurt'll get suspended.

(bell ringing)

Who can tell me
the quadratic equation?

Noah, I told you,
you don't have to

ask permission to
go to the bathroom.

It's x equals negative B
plus or minus

the square root of
B squared minus 4AC.

All over 2A.

That's right.
Who told you?

Um, I did.

I've been doing the books
for my pool-cleaning business.

I've got mad math skills, yo!

I'm like that Beautiful Mind
guy, without all the crazy.

(cell phone rings)

You're go for Puckerman.

- Class isn't over!
- Sorry. Family emergency.

What happened? Where is she?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have
called you, I just...

- I don't have anybody else.
- Is she okay?

She's with the doctor.
She slipped and

hit her lip on the floor,
and there was blood everywhere.

I turned my back
for three seconds.

I'm freaking out now.

They won't even let me
in the room with her.

It's cool. I'm here now.

DOCTOR: Hi. Uh, her bottom
tooth went through her lip.

Couple stitches, she'll be fine.

Really? Wait. I want her to
see a plastic surgeon first.

Well, I've gen
plenty of stitches.

I live a somewhat active
lifestyle... judo, paintball...

which means I've had more
stitches than Frankenstein,

so if anyone's gonna
touch Beth's face,

it's gonna be
a plastic surgeon.

I'll page her.

It's okay.
I'm here now.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Yeah. I did a good job.

You're very pretty.

You know, the advantage
of a relationship

with a younger dude is that I
still got four me rounds in me

before I need a steak
sandwich and a Coke Zero.

You need to go.

Before Beth wakes up.

This was a mistake.

I was a mess at the hospital.

Yeah, I was like
freakin' Wolverine.

Beth would have a big
scar on her lip

for the rest of her life
if it weren't for me.

Okay. This is just wrong. Go.

Please. Go.

You know what?

Screw you.

Yeah, you got
the boom and the pow,

and your lips are cash money,
but what really turned me on

about you was how much of
an ass-kicker you were.

Winning all those

going to New York, raising
Beth alone... all garbage.

This was your chance to
get in on the ground floor

of something really
special... me.

But you're too much of
a coward to go for it.

you're all bones.

Like Jesus on the cross.

Abuelita, I have something that
I want to talk to you about...

Okay, who cares, talk
with your mouth full, hm?

No, no, no. Come on.

Come on.

(speaking Spanish)

Ah. Okay.

(speaking Spanish)


I have to tell you a secret;
a secret that I've

- kept hidden for a long time, but...
- You need salsa...?

No, no, no. Escúchame.


- You're so special to me.
- Santana, are you pregnant?

Because I will beat you
up with this chair.

No, it's not... it's not that.


It's just that I've
watched you my whole life.

And you've always
been so strong.

Done exactly what you believe,

and never cared about what
anyone else thought of you...

Tell me about your life,
I know mine.


I love girls

the way that I'm supposed
to feel about boys.

It's just something that's
always been inside of me,

and I really want to
share it with you

because I love you so much.

I want you to know me.

Who I really am.

When I'm with Brittany...

I finally understand what
people are talking about

when they talk about love.

I've tried so hard

to push this feeling away,
and keep it locked inside...

but every day just
feels like a war.

I walk around so
mad at the world,

but I'm really just
fighting with myself.

I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm just too tired.

I have to just be me.

Say something, please.

Everyone has secrets, Santana.

They're called secrets
for a reason.

I want you to leave this house.

I don't ever want
to see you again.

- Abuela, you...
- Go.

- You don't...
- Now.

I'm the same person
I was a minute ago.

You made your choice.

Now I have made mine.

But why?

It's selfish of you
to make me uncomfortable.

(speaking Spanish)

The sin isn't
in the thing,

it's in the scandal,
when people talk about it aloud.

So you're saying
it would've been better

if I would've
kept this a secret?



I didn't bring protection.

It's okay. I don't care.

Under normal circumstances,
I'd take my chances,

but we have a pretty
crappy track record.

Maybe we'll get
lucky again.

You mean unlucky.

Look, trying to get Beth
back was a stupid idea.

You're just figuring
this out now?

But we made one
perfect baby.

We can make another.

We have
everything we need.


Is this why you
invited me over?

See, this is what happens
when you have anger sex.

Why are you
angry at me?

Fine! You don't want this?

There's 20 other guys
at this school who would

kill to give me what I want;
they would kill to love me.

I'm not angry at you.
I let you down.

We all did.

You just spent a whole week

helping Santana with a secret

everybody already knows,
and not one person

took ten seconds
to help you.

And you're a frickin' mess.

You have been for three years.

Ever since I knocked you up.

You don't need a baby
or a dude

or anyone to make you special.

If there's one person
that I'm sure

is gonna get the hell out of this
town and make something of herself,

it's you.

Maybe I was just...

getting all my crazy, bad
decisions out of the way early.

I see you somewhere
warm and glamorous,

like L.A. or Miami
or Toronto.

(both laugh quietly)


But you have
to do something for me.

You're staying here.

You're gonna lie
with me and hold me.


But no funny business.

Who are you angry at?

You know, the whole
"anger sex" thing.

I need to tell you something.

But you have to promise
to keep it a secret.

(Bell ringing)

How bad was it?

Dukakis bad.

Third place with 16%
of the vote.

What does that mean for... us?

Yeah, I have
the same question.

Now that
the election's over,

you two don't have to pretend
to be something you're not.

- Now, Shannon...
- Cooter, have a seat

on that Pilates ball
right over there.

This is between me...

and Brian Dennehy.

I lost a lot in
the last 24 hours.

Lost an election,
lost my reputation,

I lost an enormous last-minute
bet I placed on myself

with a very shady
bookie from Vegas.

Cooter Mankins is the
best thing to happen to me

since a sophomore named Becky
Jackson waddled into my life,

and I will be damned
if I lose him, too.

Shannon, I like you heaps.

But I'd be lying if I told you
I didn't like Sue here, too.

I don't know
what to say.

I've had the same problem.

I haven't known what
to say, either.

But I feel like
I finally do.

Cooter, I'm in love with you.

And I'm sorry I haven't
told you till now,

and I'm sorry I let
a tall, pretty blonde

swoop in and snatch
you right away,

but I'm telling you now,

if I had to bench-press
a wildebeest

just to prove to you
how much you mean to me,

I would do it.

I would do anything
to win you back, Coot.

And I will not go down
without a fight.

(bell ringing)

Okay, guys.

Shelby and I just
wanted to say

that you've really
inspired us.

SHELBY: When we face off
at Sectionals,

it will be with
more empathy,

and a deeper understanding
of each other.

- That's right.
- That's right!


Where's Rachel?

She never
misses applause.

She's dealing with stuff.

- Mr. Shue?
- Yeah.

As the son of Ohio's
recently-minted Congressman...

Yeah, Burt!

and to dispel any lingering
clouds of suspicion,

I would like to,
personally and publicly,

congratulate President Brittany.

The people have spoken,
and they want you, Brit.

They want Pixy Stix.

Rule wisely.

Rule fabulously.

That was the sweetest thing
anybody's ever said to me.

Thank you, Kurt.

You're still the most
unicorn of them all, so...

Clap, clap, clap.

Maybe I could put that
on my NYADA application.

Don't give up hope, ever.

We'll figure something out.

Quinn, are you okay?

Santana, will you
bring us home?

- That's right!
- Thanks, Mr. Shue.

So I picked a song that gives me
strength and gets me through.

Same way all of you do.

The struggle continues, but
at least I know I'm not alone.

(intro to Melissa Etheridge's
"Constant Craving" begins)

♪ Even ♪

♪ Through the darkest phase ♪

♪ Be it ♪

♪ Thick or thin ♪

♪ Always ♪

♪ Someone marches brave ♪

♪ Here beneath ♪

♪ My skin ♪

♪ And constant ♪

♪ Craving ♪

♪ Has always ♪

♪ Been ♪

♪ Maybe ♪

♪ A great magnet pulls ♪

♪ All souls ♪

♪ Towards truth ♪

♪ Or maybe ♪

♪ It is life itself ♪

♪ Leads wisdom ♪

♪ To its youth ♪

♪ Constant ♪

♪ Craving ♪

♪ Has always ♪

♪ Been ♪

♪ Craving... ♪

♪ Ah-ha ♪

♪ Constant craving ♪

♪ Has al... ♪

♪ Ways been ♪

♪ Has al... ♪

♪ Ways been ♪

♪ Has al... ♪

♪ Ways been ♪

♪ Has al... ♪

♪ Ways been ♪

♪ Has always been. ♪



I just, um,
told Principal Figgins

that I rigged the election
so that Kurt would win.

Kurt, please,
don't hate me.

You're totally
in the clear.

What did he say?

He said
that he had no choice

but to put it
on my permanent record,

and that I'm suspended
for a week.

Also he said that I was banned
from competing at Sectionals.