Glee (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 6 - Mash Off - full transcript

Sue starts a smear campaign to take down her biggest competitor for the Congressional seat. Meanwhile, Puck has a crush, and Will and Shelby Corcoran encourage some friendly competition.

Here's what you missed
on Glee. Quinn and Puck want

their baby back,
but then Puck kissed Shelby,

so now he doesn't know
what side he's on.

Do you want our baby back or not?

Santana and Brittany have

a secret thing going, and they quit

the Glee Club with Mercedes
to join the Trouble Tones.

Awesome! More backup for me.

Sue and Burt are mad at each other

because they're both
running for Congress.

I'm too late to get
on the ballot, but I can still

run as a write-in candidate.
And Kurt and Rachel and Brittany

are all mad at each other because

they're all running
for class president.

I will see you at the debate.

Everyone's mad at each other.

It's crazy.
No, you're crazy!

Did you airbrush out your jowls?

I can't work with her!

I thought I smelled blue collar.

Would you turn that thing off?

And that's what you missed on Glee.

It's happened.

The Lion King, Puckfasa,
has been caged.

I've been in love before,
but this time feels different.

This time feels grown up.

Don't judge me.

I'm 18; it's legal.

Besides, the age difference
isn't that crazy.

Just look at Ashton and Demi,
Indiana Jones and Ally McBeal,

Woody Allen and that Chinese girl.

I get that teacher/student
relationships are tricky,

but aren't all relationships?

I'm willing to put in
the work for this one.

When she looks at me, I don't
feel like a boy anymore.

I feel like the man
that I've always wanted to be.

A family man.

I live for fourth period.

Shelby's been subbing for
Mr. Clippenger in Geometry

ever since he ate that bad cantaloupe.

I know I'm supposed to be
learning about

grammars and stuff,
but all I can think about

is what color underwear
Ms. C is wearing

and if she knows how to dance.

Did you do your homework, dude?

Oh, wow, man.

Wait. W-Wait
a second, man.

What do you think the teacher's
gonna look like this year?


♪ T-Teacher,
stop that screaming ♪

♪ Teacher, don't you see? ♪

♪ Don't want to be no uptown fool ♪

♪ Maybe I should go to hell,
but I am doing well ♪

♪ Teacher needs to see me
after school ♪

♪ I think of all the education
that I missed ♪

♪ But then my homework
was never quite like this ♪

♪ Oh, got it bad,
got it bad, got it bad ♪

♪ I'm hot for teacher ♪

♪ I got it bad, so bad ♪

♪ I'm hot for teacher ♪

Ah, I think the clock is slow, man.

I don't feel tardy.

Ah, I just been here so long.

I got to get out of here.

Class dismissed!

♪ I heard about your lessons,
but lessons are so cold ♪

♪ I know about this school ♪

♪ Little girl from Cherry Lawn,
how can you be so bold? ♪

♪ How did you know
that golden rule? ♪

♪ I think of all the education
that I missed ♪

♪ But then my homework
was never quite like this ♪

♪ Whoa, got it bad,
got it bad, got it bad ♪

♪ I'm hot for teacher ♪

♪ I've got it bad, so bad ♪

♪ I'm hot for teacher ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, yes, I'm hot ♪

♪ Oh, whoa, oh, yes, I'm hot ♪

♪ Whoa. ♪



Puck, guys, spectacular!

What a way to start off this week!

You guys didn't even need

an assignment to work on this.

You just did it.

Mr. Schuester, while
the performance was excellent--

particularly the drumming--

don't you think
that the subject matter

is a little inappropriate?

Well, that depends on

what Puck's intent was
when he chose this song.

I guess I just, uh, dig Van Halen.

All right!

Rock on!

Yep, good job, guys.

Burt Hummel--
he's running for Congress.

Last year, he had a heart attack.

He might have had a heart transplant.

And he might have got it
from a baboon.

Baboons are dangerous killers

who throw their own feces
when they're not tearing off

people's faces or admiring
their own weird butts.

Congress is bad enough.

If Burt Hummel thinks
what Washington needs is

more baboon parts, then
he needs a brain transplant.

Watch out, baboons.

Burt Hummel and his baboon heart.

Wrong on the issues, wrong for Ohio.

I'm Sue Sylvester.

I have a human heart,
and I approve this mes...

The man had angioplasty!

She's telling lies!

She's playing dirty
and she's getting away with it!

Okay. Will, breathe deep,
breathe deep, breathe deep.

We have to play nice.

Because if you win by fighting
dirty, it's not really winning.

That's what we teach our students.


What you're doing is appalling.

Do you know 20% of all voters think

my dad actually has a baboon heart.

It's not personal,
Porcelain, it's politics.

And politics are

all about playing dirty.

You should know.

Your squeaky-clean campaign
for class president

is getting a good ol' fashioned
country shellackin'.

Yo, fellow Americans.

Okay, listen.

A vote for Brittany is a vote for

root beer water fountains
and robot teachers.

Did you say "robot teachers"?


I've always wanted one.

And also, listen.

Rachel Berry is still on MySpace
and thus unfit to lead.

That's ridiculous.

Brittany's making promises
she can't deliver on.

It's lying! And no one is even
on MySpace, not even Rachel!

It doesn't matter.

Brittany's got their attention.

And you're playing all nice,
campaigning for

a salad bar in the cafeteria.

It's boring, it's tired, it's
not going to get you elected.

Well, obesity is a huge problem
at this school.

Especially in the Glee Club.

Have a seat, Yasser.

You know why I fight dirty?

Because I'm fighting

for something.

I have a cause, several actually.

I hate the arts...

and a bunch of other stuff.

If you want to win, find
yourself a cause, my friend.

Then start flinging poo.

Winning is really about poo flinging.

I refuse to believe that.

I agree that perhaps
I need a better cause,

but I'm going to win this thing
without having to fling

a single stinky nugget.

Well, good luck with that, son
of Burt "Baboon Heart" Hummel.

It's not personal.

Hey, Shelby, what's up?

We haven't talked since

Mercedes and Santana and Brittany

left New Directions.

I hope you know, I kept my word.

I know.

You didn't recruit anyone.

It was, it was me.

They left because of me.

No, no, it's not your fault.

They're talented.
They just want a chance

to take center stage
during their senior year.

Did you get your letter today?

About Sectionals? Yeah.

Figures we'd be up against you.

Don't forget the Dulcet Dazzlers.

So lame.

You know, we may get
along, but the kids won't.

I mean, it's going to
get ugly around here.

It's the last year for a lot
of them and they want to win.

Well, maybe competition will
bring out the best in them.

Or maybe it'll turn
into World War Glee.

We usually do mash-ups
around this time.

It's always my favorite.

Everyone's so happy.

So, you can still do it.

You know, maybe there's a way

to work with all this fighting spirit.

Get the kids to channel it
into something great.

Talk to me.

What are you doing here?

Shelby told us she had
something to show us.

What are you doing here?

Mr. Shue said the same thing.

Let me guess, he wants to
combine choirs for Sectionals.

Well, it's not gonna happen.

The Trouble Tones are here to stay.

So why don't you shuffle

your busted choir off our stage.

Look, you guys, we can compete
without being enemies.

All right?
We don't have to get vicious.

Oh, I think we do, Soft Serve.

See, the Trouble Tones are 3F:
fierce, femme, phenomenal.

Oh, and, guys, hurry up,
go get some moist towels.

We have to keep Finn wet before
we can roll him back in the sea.

Okay, you know what, Santana,
Finn is in great shape,

and your meanness only highlights

your own personal insecurities.

And, Rachel, your mustache is thicker

than a Middle Eastern dictator's.

♪ It's been a long time since
I came around ♪

♪ It's been a long time
but I'm back in town ♪

♪ This time, I'm not leaving
without you ♪

Is this what having a stroke
feels like?

Because I like it.

♪ Just you and I ♪

♪ Sharing our love together ♪

♪ And I know in time ♪

♪ We'll build the dreams we treasure ♪

♪ We'll be all right, just you and I ♪

♪ Something, something
about this place ♪

♪ Just you and, just you and I ♪

♪ Something 'bout lonely nights ♪

♪ And my lipstick on your face ♪

♪ Just you and I ♪

♪ Something, something about ♪

♪ My cool Nebraska guy ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Yeah, something about ♪

♪ Baby, you and I ♪

♪ Oh, you and I ♪

♪ Remember our first embrace ♪

♪ The smile that was on your face ♪

♪ The promises that we made ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ And now your love is my reward ♪

♪ And I love you even more ♪

♪ Than I ever did before ♪

♪ Something, something
about this place ♪

♪ Just you and, just you and I ♪

♪ Something 'bout lonely nights ♪

♪ And my lipstick on your face ♪

♪ Just you and I ♪

♪ Something, something about ♪

♪ My cool Nebraska guy ♪
♪ I love you, you and I ♪

♪ Put your drinks up ♪

♪ For Nebraska ♪
♪ For Nebraska ♪

♪ For Nebraska, Nebraska ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ You, you and I ♪

♪ Nebraska ♪

♪ I'd rather die ♪

♪ Without you and I ♪

♪ We made it ♪

♪ You and I. ♪

Mr. Shue, Shelby, I
think we can all admit

that that was weirdly amazing.

But what exactly was the point?

That sometimes bringing
together two conflicting things

can create something
totally unexpected.

We're not combining
Glee Clubs, Mr. Shue.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Shelby and I agree
that with Sectionals

coming up for both of us,
it's time we all got serious

with some friendly competition.

Each group's going to

put together their own mash-up

to perform head-to-head.

For the first annual

McKinley High Mash-Off.

Come on, now.

Get you some!
Let's do this!

That's pretty good, right?

They were out of apples in
the cafeteria.

Thank you.

I want you.

I'm your teacher.

You're my sub.

You can't deny the chemistry.

I'm not some kid. I'm 18.

I've already been
with a lot of older women.

Look, Noah, you
are very charming

and surprisingly sweet.

The kiss was a mistake.

Well, that mistake meant
something to me.

I felt something
I've never felt before.

I'm in love with you.

Oh, God.

Wait. I made a list

of the reasons we should be together.

Number one: you're hot.

Number two: I'm hot.

Number three: Beth needs a dad.

And why shouldn't it
be her actual dad?

Look me in the eye and tell me
you don't feel something, too.

You want a mash-up?

We're the ultimate mash-up;

two things that maybe shouldn't
work together but do.

I would lose my job.

Only if I told, and I never would.

You have a crush.

It's sweet and it's normal

and you're gonna get over it.

I dream about us being together.

A real family.
Taking stupid pictures

for our Hanukkah cards,

renting an RV and all of us
hitting Coachella.

What's up with
that crib you ordered?

- Is it still in pieces all over
your living room floor? - Yes.

See? You need me. I can help you
with stuff like that.

Let me take care of it this week.

No, that's not gonna happen.

Because you're afraid you won't
be able to resist me?

I know that's why you haven't had me

back to babysit since we made out.

You know this is gonna happen.


Okay, guys, we have our work
cut out for us this week

with this mash-off.

The Trouble Tones have a
lot of powerful voices,

so song selection is key
here. Any suggestions?

What about The Clash?
Uh, The Police?


Spice Girls.
Jonas Brothers.

Guys, no, no, we can't use

any of those bands.

The only thing they have in common

is that they all broke up,

and right now the New Directions
need to feel united.

I like what you're saying, Finn.

It's not just about the music,
but where it comes from.

Who do you think we should use?

How about this?
People think Hall and Oates are

famous for their cool, puffy hair

and that dude's banging 'stache.

But also they're awesome

for staying together
over the long haul.

Just like us, despite
all their differences.

I think we should give
the solo to the new guy.

Get him prepared for what's in store

when the stakes get high.

Rory, I think you'll do a good job.

Thanks, Finn, but I don't think I'm
ready for that honor just yet.

Come on.
You're totally ready, Rory.

You'll kill it.
We'll all help you.

It's a great idea, Finn.


I'm losing patience.

Why hasn't Child Protective
Services done anything

to Shelby yet?
I don't know.

Wait. Did you do something
to screw this up already?

You have to be extra nice to Shelby

so that we can babysit more

because we've hardly been over there,

and we need to spend
as much time bonding

with our baby as we can
so that when I get her,

she doesn't freak out when I hold her.

I'm being really nice
to her, believe me.

Look, this isn't a game, okay?

I know Shelby's threatened by me.

But I am willing to do whatever
it takes to get closer to her

because closer to
her is closer to Beth.

I would like
to join the Trouble Tones.

I have to think about that.

Thanks a million, Finn.

I just want you to know
that no matter what,

I have your back.

Like when that girl
with the lips was saying

you look like a whale, I wanted to
tell her that I think you look fine.

I'm just sick of her

talking smack about me, you know?

Have you ever heard
of the term "trash talk"?

Is that when you discuss trash?

No. In sports, it's when
one player insults another

to try and get them off their game.

And Santana's trying to demean us

to get inside of our heads
so that we remain losers.

Well, it's time to start
getting inside of hers.

Hey there, Orca.

Hey, Santana, you look
like an ass-less J.Lo.

You're skinny like all the crops

failed on your family's farm.

That is the lamest thing I didn't

understand a word of.
Not one word.

Is that really all that
you can come up with?

You seriously think that
you can out-insult me?

I'm from Lima Heights.
I was raised on insults.

It's how mi abuela put
me to sleep at night,

and she is not a nice lady.

You know, she tried to sell me once?

And it wasn't till I got
to kindergarten

that I learned my name
wasn't "Garbage Face."

Then we'll have
to settle this another way.

Uh, today, after school.

Bring your Trouble Tones.

Are you suggesting
what I think you are?

Yeah, I am.


Hey, Rachel.


As you might have heard,

I'm applying to the New York
Academy of Dramatic Arts.

Ugh! All the girls who
beat me out in the auditions

when I was in New York,
they all graduated from there.

Well, my grades are perfect,

and I was the
lead in the school musical

and I plan on winning the election

for student class president,

so I just need a letter, a
killer letter of recommendation.

Wait. You're asking me
to write it?

Actually, I've, I've already written it,

so all you would have to do is
just sign, and my resumé's

in there as well
with the letter, so...

I thought that, you know,
your pedigree

as a National Champion
show-choir coach

would just make some noise with
the admissions committee.

Makes sense.


Okay. Bye.

I'm so proud of you.

You are truly a star, Rachel.

And it's all still out
there in front of you.

I'm not going to be the first person

to be a little jealous
of all the amazing things

you have lying ahead.

I'm just going to be the only
one who's also cheering you on.

Maybe you could come
to my Broadway debut.

Ooh, don't try to stop me.

Maybe you could write your own
version of the letter.

It's such an impressive resumé.

You have the musical and all
the clubs and... maybe even

Student Council president.

I feel bad for all the kids
that don't have these

big-ticket items in their CVs.

They don't have a chance in
hell of getting into NYADA.


This could be deadly.
I mean, facing our foes head-on

without any adult supervision?

So, uh, you know that our NYADA
applications are due next week.

I only need one more letter
of recommendation.

I wrote to Patti
LuPone on her Web site,

but I haven't heard
from her yet, so...

I-I really, I... I really miss
you, Kurt.

And I just...

I just... I really want
to be your friend again.

Well, maybe you should've
thought of that

before you walked all over me

in your borderline-sociopathic
climb to the top.

Let's roadhouse!

Oh, it's on, Pillsbury Dough Turd.

Excuse me.

I've never heard of this game
of dodging balls before.

What's the rules?
Don't die.

Let's do this.

♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪

♪ Why don't you hit me
with your best shot? ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha,
getcha, getcha ♪

♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪

♪ Fire away ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha,
getcha, getcha ♪

♪ One way or another,
I'm gonna find ya ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha,
getcha, getcha ♪

♪ One way or another
I'm gonna win ya ♪

♪ I'll getcha, I'll getcha ♪

♪ You're a real tough cookie
with a long history ♪

♪ Of breaking little hearts
like the one in me ♪

♪ That's okay, let's see
how you do it ♪

♪ Put up your dukes,
let's get down to it ♪

♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪

♪ Why don't you hit me
with your best shot? ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha,
getcha, getcha ♪

♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪

♪ Fire away! ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha,
getcha, getcha ♪

♪ And if the lights are all out ♪

♪ I'll follow your bus downtown ♪

♪ See who's hanging out ♪

♪ Hit me with your best shot ♪

♪ Fire away ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha,
getcha, getcha ♪

♪ Hit me with your best shot,
fire away ♪

♪ I'm gonna getcha, getcha,
getcha, getcha ♪

♪ Hit me with your best shot. ♪

Okay. Good game.

Boy, oh, boy, that was a cracker!



Stop it! Stop it!

For God's sakes, he's bleeding!

Maybe that's how the others
treat us around here,

but we don't do this to each other!

We're better than this!

God, calm down, Grandma.

The game's over!

We still won.

vocal warm-ups can wait.

Now, I was up half the night thinking

about our mash-up
for the mash-off,

and it came to me-- Adele.

I sound just like her.

Dude, I love her.
She sounds like

what banana cream pie sounds
like when it sings.

I think it's a great idea, Mercedes.

I think that we could really
kill with that stuff.

Agreed. And now with that
decision out of the way,

I can stay focused on
my one-sided battle

of wits with
the knuckle-dragger.

Santana, the dodgeball thing was
fun, until the end, but enough.

No, honey, I'm just getting started.

I'm the leader of this group
and I'm telling you

lay off those guys.

I'm sorry.
The leader?

Who died and made you queen, Aretha?

I brought you guys in

and I came up with the
idea for our mash-up

while you were wasting time
trying to figure out how

to make Finn Hudson cry.

So I nominate myself as
President of the Trouble Tones.

All in favor?

I'm not impressed by your campaign.

You didn't put any posters up.

Four in favor means
Mercedes gets elected.

And she's right.
We should all be focusing

on winning because
we're better, not meaner.

Mr. Shue and I both agreed on
the ground rules.

We play fair.

I just don't have time
for this kind of thinking.

Well, make time.

Because you are a star member
of this group

and you need to represent.

♪ Stop the violence. ♪

Come on.
Okay. God, okay.

Look, I'll play fair.

From now on, I will be so nice

that cotton candy won't
melt in my mouth.

That's really nice.
That's really nice.

Hey, Tubs, can I talk
to you for a second?

Hey, listen here.

You can't make fun of Finn anymore.

Shut your potato hole.
I'm here to apologize.

Rachel's right.
I haven't been fair to you.

You're not fat.

I should know, I slept with you.
I mean, at some point,

I must have liked that
you look like a taco addict

- who's had one-too-many
back-alley liposuctions. - Whoa.

Please stick a sock in it

or ship yourself back to Scotland.

I'm trying to apologize
to Lumps the Clown.

I am sorry, Finn.

I mean, really, I'm-I'm sorry

that the New Directions
are going to get crushed

by the Trouble Tones.

I'm also sorry
that you have no talent.

I'm sorry that you sing
like you're getting

your prostate checked
and you dance like you've been

asleep for years
and someone just woke you up.

Have fun riding on Rachel's coattails

for the rest of your life.

Although, you know what,
I would just watch out for her

come holiday time, if I were him,

because if I were her, I'd stick

a stent in one of those boobs
and let the Finn blubber

light the Hanukkah lamp
for eight magical nights.

Hey, Santana.

Why don't you just
come out of the closet?

You know, I think I know why

you're so good at
tearing everybody else down.

It's because you're constantly

tearing yourself down,
because you can't admit

to everybody that
you're in love with Brittany

and she might not love you back.

That must hurt, to not be able to

admit to everyone how you really feel.

You know what I think you are?

A coward.

See you at the mash-off.


He also claims he isn't married
to a donkey.

Well, which is it, Burt Hummel?

Baboon heart or donkey bride?

Donkeys have no place in politics.

They bite off children's fingers
and pee absolutely anywhere.

Do we really need
another Washington politician

married to a pack animal?

Don't let Burt Hummel
make an ass out of you, Ohio.

I'm Sue Sylvester,
and it's not personal.

Will, you are my campaign manager.

You have got to do
something about this!

She's killing us!

You are on the right side of
the issues voters care about.

You know what it's like
to run a small business.

When the recession hit,
you took a pay cut

so you didn't have to fire
a single employee.

Will, if you don't start
fighting fire with fire,

we are both going to lose.

I'm going to lose the race,

you're going to lose your job.

Put your thinking cap on.

Oh, who's got your nose?

Where'd it go?


There it is!

It's magic!


Sorry, I should probably
be helping more.

I didn't know the directions
were gonna be the foreign kind

with weird pictures
instead of English.

It's okay.

She likes you.
You're good with her.

That's 'cause she's the best
little girl in the whole world.


Oh, where'd it go?

Isn't that right, Monkeyface?

Can I have her for a sec?


Go see Mama.

Hi. Hi.
That's a good girl.

Want to play here
and give Mommy a little break?

I got to come clean about something.

When Quinn and I babysat for you,

she put a bunch of stuff around here

to make you look like an unfit mother.

And then she called
Child Protective Services.

But I came and got rid of it all.

Why would she do that to me?

Because she wants
to get Beth back again.

I did, too.

I thought we'd be,

you know, good parents.

It was wrong and stupid
and totally selfish.

I'm really, really sorry.


I always thought of Beth
as an accident.

But she's no accident.

Quinn and I gave her life...

...but somehow God or nature
or whatever

meant for you and her to be together.

You were always
meant to be her mother.

And I'd like to be
part of her life, too.


Welcome, everyone, to day one
of the first annual

McKinley High Mash-Off!

Okay, a couple of ground rules.

Everyone, there will be

no heckling of any kind, okay?

Ms. Corcoran, the Trouble Tones
are all fired up.

Fine, fine.

Don't worry, I can do it.

I'm gonna hit that F below middle C,

just like Adele.

All right, here we go.

Finn will represent
the New Directions;

Santana, the Trouble Tones
for the rock-paper-scissor

face-off to see who will
perform first, all right?

Let's get it going!

Let's do this.

One, two, three!

Yeah! Yeah!

Okay, paper covers rock.

New Directions, take the stage!

A kiss for the winner.

♪ What I want, you've got ♪

♪ It might be hard to handle ♪

♪ Like the flame
that burns the candle ♪

♪ The candle feeds the flame ♪

♪ Eh, eh ♪

♪ What I've got's full stock ♪

♪ Of thoughts and dreams
that scatter ♪

♪ You pull them all together ♪

♪ And how I can't explain ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, well, well, you ♪

♪ I can't go for that ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You make my dreams come true ♪

♪ I can't go for that,
I can't go for that ♪

♪ Well, well, well, you ♪

♪ I can't go for that ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, you make my dreams
come true ♪

♪ I can't go for that,
I can't go for that ♪

♪ On a night when bad dreams
become a screamer ♪

♪ When they're messing
with the dreamer ♪

♪ I can laugh it in the face ♪

♪ Twist and shout my way out ♪

♪ And wrap yourself around me ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't the way
you found me ♪

♪ And I'll never be the same ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, well, 'cause you ♪

♪ I can't go for that ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, you make my dreams
come true ♪

♪ I can't go for that,
I can't go for that ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ I'm down on my daydream ♪

♪ But that sleepwalk
should be over by now ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ Yeah, you ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I'll do anything
that you want me to ♪

♪ Yeah, I ♪

♪ Do almost anything ♪

♪ You make my dreams come true ♪

♪ I can't go for that ♪

♪ Oh, you make my dreams come true ♪

♪ I can't go for that ♪

♪ You make my dreams
come true. ♪


Hey, I was worried you
weren't going to make it.

Are you kidding?

I wouldn't miss this for the world.

Polls have you in first place.

Almost everyone loves the new ad.

Almost everyone?

Well, that ad was bulletproof.

I accused Burt Hummel
of using his tire shop

to sexually assault automobiles.

What's not to like about that?

Hey, Ms. C.

Quiet, please, children.

Welcome one and all

to McKinley High's senior class
presidential debate.

Such a magnificent turnout reflects

this school's passion for democracy.

And also, a reminder:
it is against school policy

to pass gas into jars
to be sold in the cafeteria.

And now, our first candidate,
Rick "The Stick" Nelson.

Stick! Stick! Stick! Stick!

So, I was talking to my dad,

who says that since he pays
taxes and stuff,

like, for teachers, which pretty
much means that we're your boss.

So I think it's time

that the teachers started
doing what we say.

And how about you stop talking
in class, Mrs. Janicek?

Everything you have to say is boring!

Vote Rick the Stick!

Tornadoes are nature's
most destructive force.

These violent storms
have ravaged America,

crippling communities
all across our land.

Isn't it time we take a stand?

If you honor me with being
your next class president,

I will make tornadoes
illegal at McKinley,

keeping you and your families
at our school

safe from their murderous rampages.

Also, on Tuesdays, uh,
I pledge to go topless.


Hello, I'm Kurt Hummel.

Um, the past few weeks,

I've tried to address the real problem

of obesity at this school.

But my opponents chose empty
promises and smear tactics.

Although she knows it to be
untrue, my opponent Brittany

stated that my face
was used as a template

for Hasbro's successful line
of My Little Ponies.

Well, I refuse to be bullied.

In fact, I refuse
to let anyone be bullied.

Today, I want to take it
one step further.

I would like to hereby pledge
to ban dodgeball

at McKinley High.

Since its invention in 1831
by Silas W. Mangold,

dodgeball has been used as

a schoolyard instrument
of suppression.

It's violent, it's painful,
it's humiliating,

and I believe that it's an equivalent

to modern-day stoning.

Let's end dodgeball at McKinley High

and send a strong message
that violence isn't okay.

Hello, I'm Rachel Berry,

and I have campaigned
for president on a crusade

for school book covers,

a plan to save the school
thousands of dollars.

Knock it off!

While I still consider this plan

an inspired stroke
of political genius,

I hereby withdraw my candidacy

and urge you all to vote
for Kurt Hummel.

He's the only candidate

here today who never went negative.

He-He's the one who deserves
to be president.

That's why I-I'm casting my vote
for Kurt Hummel.

Vote Hummel, McKinley.

Vote for Kurt.

Why'd you do it?

I should have withdrawn from the race

when I got the lead in the musical.

You needed the resumé boost

to get into NYADA.

You're already so spectacular.

But being senior class president
will just put you over the top.

Only Rachel Berry could perk up
an old boring high school debate

with such a riveting twist.

Drama queen. I know.

But I just... I-I hated
you hating me.

Me, too. Scowling gives
you forehead lines,

and I'm way too young for Botox.

I guess I was just, you know,
focusing on my dream

of going to New York and
getting into NYADA, but...

then I realized that part of that
dream is going there with you.

So, now I am all
about helping you win.

Consider me your campaign slave.

I'm gonna hug you now, okay?


- Thank you.
- Oh!

So, about the whole pastie thing...

Let's just quit while
we're ahead, doll.


Hey. I was... I was in
the neighborhood,

so I thought I'd drop this off
for Beth.

I just got her down so...
I left a bunch

of voicemails trying to find a
good time to come by.

And you never gave me
a straight answer

about when I can join
the Trouble Tones.

I don't think it's a very good idea.

Well, Mr. Schuester
won't miss me.

I reached out to you.

I came back here so that you

and my daughter could
have a relationship.

Oh, please, I know all about
the hot sauce and the book

and everything else you planted here.

You think they were just gonna
come here and find those things

and hand my baby over to you?
She's my baby.

You have no idea what it means
to be a mother.

It's not about whose
body she comes out of;

it's about accepting the fact
that you don't matter anymore--

that your feelings, and that
your life and that your body

they all come second to making sure
that that child is happy and safe.

Is that why you gave yours up
for money?

At least I did what I
thought was best for my baby.

You were just a cash whore!

I don't feel comfortable with
you being around Beth anymore.

Is Puck going to get to see her?

Was he the one who told you?
We're done here.

I hope you this as a
wake-up call.

Just because you take out
your nose ring

and dye your hair blonde again
doesn't make you any less lost.

I think you need to stop making
fun of Finn.

You're being really harsh.

Manatees have really thick skin.

Santana, Coach Sue needs you in
her office right away.

What's going on?

Have a seat, Santana.

I'm afraid we have some bad news,

and I think I might be to blame.

Oh, you think?
Watch your blood pressure, Bubbles.

In my campaign to become
Ohio's newest congresswoman,

I've said some things
that are not true,

and I don't feel good about it.

I set the tone for this campaign,

and now I'm afraid
my slanderous chickens

have come home to roost.

Santana, you should know
that I have the phone number

of a counselor who
specializes in this.

It's something that, uh, I've
been through first-hand,

and I'd be willing to talk your
family through it.

What are you... What
are you talking about?

Reggie "the Sauce" Salazar sent me

an advance copy of his latest
campaign ad.

It turns out he has a niece
who goes to this school,

and she overheard a conversation

a couple of days ago
between you and Finn Hudson.

Sue Sylvester
wants to represent Ohio.

She says she shares your values.

If that's true, boy do we have
some questions...

If you're so into family
values, why did you promote

a lesbian student to be
your head cheerleader?

And when did you plan on
telling Ohio families?

Here's another question: Why
don't you have a husband, Sue?

Is there something you're not
telling us?

Sue Sylvester.
So many questions.

I can't believe this
is happening.

I'm so sorry.

I haven't even told my parents yet.

♪ Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh ♪

♪ She, she ain't real ♪

♪ She ain't gonna be able to
love you like I will ♪

♪ Sure, she's got it all ♪

♪ But baby, is that really what
you want? ♪

♪ Bless your soul, you've got
your head in the clouds ♪

♪ You made a fool out of you ♪

♪ And, boy, she's bringing you down ♪

♪ She made your heart melt,
but you're cold to the core ♪

♪ Now rumor has it she ain't got
your love anymore ♪

♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪

♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪

♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪

♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪

♪ Don't forget me ♪

♪ I beg ♪
♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪

♪ I remember, you said ♪
♪ Rumor has it ♪

♪ I heard ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ That you settled down ♪

♪ That you found a girl ♪

♪ And you're married now ♪

♪ I heard ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ That your dreams came true ♪

♪ Guess she gave you things ♪

♪ I didn't give to you ♪

♪ Whoa! ♪
♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪

♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪

♪ Yeah, baby ♪
♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪

♪ Don't forget me ♪

♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪
♪ I beg ♪

♪ I remember, you said ♪

♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪

♪ Never mind, I'll find someone
like you ♪

♪ Rumor has it, ooh ♪

♪ I wish nothing but the best ♪

♪ For you, too ♪
♪ Rumor has it ♪

♪ Don't forget me ♪

♪ I beg ♪

♪ I remember, you said ♪

♪ Sometimes it lasts in love ♪

♪ But sometimes it hurts instead ♪

♪ Sometimes it lasts
in love, but sometimes ♪

♪ It hurts instead... ♪

What did you just say to her?

I said I thought you were great.
You're lying.

No, he literally just said that.
Did you tell her, too?

Santana-- Everyone's gonna know
now, because of you!

The whole school already knows, and
you know what? They don't care!

Not just the school, you idiot... everyone.
What are you talking--?