Glee (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 20 - Props - full transcript

So here's what's you missed
Kurt pulled

a last-minute switcheroo
for Carmen Tibideaux

and nailed his NYADA audition,
while Rachel

tried her old "Don't Rain
on My Parade" standby

which we've all heard now,
like, a bajillion times,

and she totally choked.

Bieste admitted that
her husband Cooter hit her,

but she lied and said she left
him, when actually, she stayed.

Puck isn't graduating, which he
pretends not to care about...

I'm too stupid. but a while
back, he told everybody

that graduating high school
was something



he was really
looking forward to.

The Glee Club's been ignoring
Tina all year long.

Tina won't mind being recast.
No, she won't.

Actually, she kind of got
ignored last year, too.

Actually, Tina's sort of been
ignored the whole time

and she's been
in the New Directions!

since, like forever.

The first time she got a solo,
she insisted she was bad

and forced Mr. Shue
to give the song to Rachel,

and ever solo since, she's
either gotten booed

or started crying
uncontrollably.

No one noticed that she went
from dressing punk

to dressing Goth to dressing
like a go-go dancer

in '60s Swinging London.



She even got Mike Chang
into college,

and she hardly got a thank you.

Sometimes people don't even
seem to know her name.

Girl Chang...
Tina Blowin' Wang...

Asian Horror Movie!

And that's what
you missed on Glee.

Porcelain, Weezy,
you created a monster.

They're calling Jessie
St. James a visionary,

and lauding Vocal Adrenaline

for their ongoing
commitment to diversity.

But Jessie St. James was against
Unique performing

as his true magical self.

No, we were the ones who
convinced him to do that.

Well, then, you only have
yourselves to blame.

And the liberal media.

Not really.
It was your idea.

I have no memory of that.

In any case, Unique is now

a show choir celebrity.

He/She will trounce us
at Nationals,

and I will lose my Cheerios!
to Coach Roz Washington.

I will not let that happen.

We have but
one choice left to us:

It's time to fight fire

with the flaming flames
of additional flamey gay fire.

Porcelain, you will
wear this flapper dress

and perform at Nationals
as Porcelina.

You already have the lady
gait and the lady voice,

and you'll have to start
smoking, though,

because this dress
is a size two.

Okay, just because I'm gay
does not mean

I like to dress up like a woman.

Oh, come on.

What about Halloween, Kurt?

Trick or treat!
Ba-da bing!

Ay, what's a guy gotta do

to get a candy situation
up in here, huh?

Okay, that was a
Halloween costume,

and it is a far cry from starting out
on the stage at Nationals in a dress.

Which is absolutely
out of the question.

Well, then, the
New Directions! will lose.

Hate to say it, kiddo,

but if we want to beat Vocal
Adrenaline at Nationals,

it's tuckin' time.

♪ When I look into your eyes ♪

♪ It's like
watching the night sky ♪

♪ Or a beautiful sunrise ♪

♪ There's so much they hold ♪

♪ And jt like them old stars ♪

♪ I see that
you've come so far ♪

♪ To be right where you are ♪

♪ How old is your soul? ♪

♪ 'Cause even the stars,
they burn ♪

♪ Some even fall to the earth ♪

♪ We've got a lot to learn ♪

♪ God knows we're worth it ♪

♪ No, I won't give up ♪

♪ I don't wanna be someone
who walks away so easily ♪

♪ I'm here to stay and make the
difference that I can make ♪

♪ And in the end,
you're still my friend ♪

♪ At least we did
intend for us to work ♪

♪ We didn't break,
we didn't burn ♪

♪ We had to learn
how to bend ♪

♪ Without the world
caving in ♪

♪ I had to learn what I got
and what I'm not ♪

♪ And who I am ♪

♪ I won't give up ♪

♪ No, I won't ♪

♪ On us ♪

♪ Give it up ♪

♪ God knows I'm tough ♪

♪ I am tough ♪

♪ Enough ♪

♪ I am tough ♪

♪ We got a lot ♪

♪ We got a lot ♪

♪ To learn ♪

♪ We got a lot ♪

♪ God knows we're worth it ♪

♪ And we're worth it ♪

♪ I won't give up on us ♪

♪ Even if the skies get rough ♪

♪ I've given you all my love ♪

♪ I'm still looking up. ♪

You've reaed the
office of Carmen Tibideaux,

Dean of Vocal Performance,
at the New York Academy

of Dramatic Arts.

Please leave a message
after the tone.

Hi, Madame Tibideaux, this is
Rachel Berry calling.

I understand that
14 messages is a lot,

but I just wanted to make sure

that you got the muffin basket
that I sent

as well as the invitation to
come and see my show choir

perform at our Nationals
in Chicago.

Every year, the judges give out
an award for an MVP,

and I would really love it

if you could be there
to watch me win.

If anything, just to show you

that what happened at
my audition was a fluke

and that I do have the talent
and the ability

to study with you
next year at NYADA.

I... I understand that asking
you to make the trip is a lot,

but I'm just...
I'm really not ready

to give up on my dream, so...

Thank you very much.

Nationals.

Okay, song selection:

We'll be kicking off our
"Vintage" theme

with the legendary
Jim Steinman's

"Paradise by
the Dashboard Light."

Rachel will do the solo,
"It's All Com..."

"...Coming Back to Me Now."

One of Celine Dion's most
powerful ballads,

inspired by Wuthering Heights.

And we'll be working in
a new Treble Tones number,

utilizing the talents of our
featured performer,

Porcelina Hummel.

Not gonna happen,
Dragon Lady.

Oh, you'll do
as you're told, he/she.

We will be performing

"What A Feeling,"
from Flashdance,

and I'm familiar with the
choreography, of course,

because I was Jennifer Beals'
dance double.

And on that note,

please look under your seats.

Space helmets.

Welding helmets
and leg warmers?!

Best way to get props
is to use props.

I am your father.

Uh, Darth Vader.

Is that a movie?

A healthy dose of props,

and our plucky transsexual
Porcelina,

and you are over the top.

Aren't props a little cheesy?

Guys, I've asked for Sue's
help because she's a winner,

and I'm not ashamed to admit
this... I want to win.

But there's not one
person in that audience

who will think we're
anything but underdogs

who would be lucky to
place in Nationals.

We didn't even make
the top ten last year.

We've got one last week to come
together and shake things up.

If there's anyone here
who is not up for trying

and working their butts off,

you should just get up
right now and leave.

Whoa, whoa, Tina,
where you going?

You guys don't need me...
carry on.

Tina, you don't understand.
I need this.

Because you blew an audition?

That's not a reason for you

to get a solo at Nationals.

Maybe the rest of us
would like one, too.

I wouldn't mind
another one

before I get deported.

I want one.
Even though I can't sing.

Tina, Rachel is a senior.

So are you, but you can bet

the only thing you'll be doing

is a dance break with Brittany.

Other people matter.

Tina, you may not always
get all the solos,

but you are a key player.

I put you in charge
of costumes.

Wow! Like that's some prize.

You want props
to move around?

Well, I'm a human prop,
and I'm sick of it!

Take a lap and cool down,
Asian Number One.

My name is Tina.

Tina Cohen Chang!

Isn't she the one
who used to stutter?

You're being selfish.

How come when Rachel complains

about not getting enough solos,

she's "claiming her stardom,"

but when I do it,
it's selfish.

You're a junior.

You'll get your
change next year.

This is the seniors'
moment to shine.

I'm really
disappointed in you.

Tina, look, I understand
that you feel like

your voice is being stifled
right now, in the Glee Club.

I mean, I have no idea
why you would choose

this moment specifically
to make a stink about it

but I want you to know
that you are being heard.

Which is why I'm willing
to offer you $50

just to let this all go
until after Nationals.

Do you have any idea how
important Nationals is to me?

I mean, if I can convince
Carmen Tibideaux

to come and
watch us perform,

then it's basically like
a do-over for my NYADA audition,

which means that my entire future
depends on us being amazing,

which means that everyone
needs to do their part.

Their part
to make you look good.

I have sat, for three years,
in the back of that choir room,

holding Mike's hand or
crying or smiling and swaying,

while everyone else was
out there singing solos.

Maybe I say something,
most of the time I don't,

team player all the way.

I am tired of being silent.

I am one of the original
Glee Club members,

and I was singing "Sit Down
You're Rockin' the Boat"

when Finn and Puck were
still throwing Slushees at us.

So when is it my turn?

Do you have any idea how
difficult it is to be me?

Do you have a Facebook
account or Twitter account?

Yes. Do you have
time to watch Bravo

or read a book or buy laces

for your incredibly
high comical boots.

Okay? I don't.

It's exhausting being me.

I get up at 5:00
in the morning

just to get all
of this prepared,

in case a solo
is thrown my way.

I have the entire Sondheim,
Hamlisch, Lloyd-Webber,

Elton John songbooks
memorized,

including every single
Katy Perry hit, as well.

And I do all of this while
keeping my boyfriend interested

and physically satisfied

and being the captain
of 16 clubs

and keeping a 3.86 GPA.

I could do all of that.
And you will.

Next year.

You'll have your
chance next year.

All I want is, for one moment,
to feel like you...

be up on that stage and get one
of the standing ovations

you're so used to getting.

I mean, I'm behind you 100%.

Being gay doesn't mean
you're a cross-dresser.

I mean, that's just silly.

Oh, you did not just text me
that, Michael Robert Chang.

Is that Tina?

Hey, Tina.
What are you doing here?

Fulfilling my duties
as costume coordinator

and text-fighting with Mike,
who says

my outburst in
Glee Club was unreasonable.

Well, we're getting a hot
pretzel later,

if you want to join us.

Can't.
Have to go find gown fabric

that doesn't clash with
the high yellow undertones

of Rachel Berry's complexion.

Oh...

I can do everything
Rachel Berry can.

Oh, my God!
Tina! Tina!

Tina! Oh, my God! Oh, oh, oh!
Get her, get her, get her!

Tina, are you okay?

Can you hear me?
Look at me.

Oh, my God, this is
like Days of our Lives.

Can you hear me?

Lost...
It's me...

Kurt.
Rachel, it's me.

Did you just
call me Rachel?

Rachel, Kurt and I just saw you

fall into the fountain.

We think you may have
hit your head.

We need to get you back
to the Glee Club, ASAP.

Why?

And we need to get
your solo ready,

so you can win us
a national championship.

Oh, my God...
I'm Rachel Berry.

Rachel, I know you're
under a lot of pressure,

but I need you
to come with me

to Between the Sheets
after school.

I'm in desperate need
of sheet music,

and you're the only one
who can help me.

If you want to run into your

old pal Chandler,
far be it from me

to stand in your way.

We've been through this
a million times.

It was just
a few text messages...

Oh, hey there, Hobbit.

Can't wait to
hear your solo

in Glee Club today.

Hope you don't choke like
you did in your NYADA audition.

Rachel, I don't want to put
any more pressure on you,

but winning at Nationals will
be the most important thing

that will ever happen to me
in my entire life.

I mean, you'll
basically be performing

for every handi-capable kid
in the entire world.

Mercedes?
Mmm, praise.

Rachel, after your
solo, I have to bail

Lord Tubbington
out of jail.

He tried to sell my
iPhone for drugs.

Brittany?

Rachel, can I talk
to you for a second?

I know that
drama school auditions

are a year away for me,

and I know that I'm
kind of a long shot,

but I was
wondering if maybe

you could give me
some pointers.

That's enough, Tina.

You can hawk
your chop suey recipes

after Rachel shows us her solo
for Nationals.

Sue, that's
incredibly racist.

I can't be racist, William,

as I am 1/16
Native American.

My Comanche name
is Cheerleads With Wolves.

Okay, guys,
Nationals is coming up,

and it's all riding

on the shoulders
of Rachel Berry.

Rachel, why don't you come
up and show us what you got.

Mr. Shue, can I have
a couple days to think about it?

Could I get a second

to talk to my fiancée?

Sure.

Rachel, this isn't you.

The Rachel that I
fell in love with

just nods to the band,
then starts wailing.

Look, I know you got
a lot on your plate,

with New York and planning
our wedding and whatnot,

but you're at your best
when you're under pressure.

Now, turn around
and show us

how you're going to
win us Nationals.

And afterwards, we're
going to make out

because your boobs look slightly
bigger today for some reason.

♪ For all those times
you stood by me ♪

♪ For all the truth
that you made me see ♪

♪ For all the joy
you brought to my life ♪

♪ For all the wrong
that you made right ♪

♪ For every dream
you made come true ♪

♪ For all the love
I found in you ♪

♪ I'll be forever
thankful, baby ♪

♪ You're the one
who held me up ♪

♪ Never let me fall ♪

♪ You're the one
who saw me through ♪

♪ Through it all ♪

♪ You were my strength
when I was weak ♪

♪ You were my voice
when I couldn't speak ♪

♪ You were my eyes
when I couldn't see ♪

♪ You saw the best
there was in me ♪

♪ Lifted me up
when I couldn't reach ♪

♪ You gave me faith
'cause you believed ♪

♪ I'm everything I am ♪

♪ Because you loved me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ You were always there for me ♪

♪ The tender wind
that carried me ♪

♪ A light in the dark ♪

♪ Shining your love
into my life ♪

♪ You've been my inspiration ♪

♪ Through the lies
you were the truth ♪

♪ My world is a better place ♪

♪ Because of you ♪

♪ You were my strength
when I was weak ♪

♪ You were my strength ♪
♪ You were my voice ♪

♪ When I couldn't speak ♪
♪ Oh, when I couldn't speak ♪

♪ You were my eyes
when I couldn't see ♪

♪ You saw the best
there was in me ♪

♪ Lifted me up
when I couldn't reach ♪

♪ You gave me faith ♪

♪ 'Cause you believed ♪

♪ I'm everything I am ♪

♪ Because you loved me ♪

♪ Hey... ♪
♪ You were my
strength when I was weak ♪

♪ You were my voice
when I couldn't speak ♪

♪ My eyes ♪
♪ You were my
eyes when I couldn't see ♪

♪ You saw the best
there was in me ♪

♪ Lifted me up when I
couldn't reach ♪
♪ Oh... ♪

♪ You gave me faith 'cause you ♪

♪ Believed ♪

♪ I'm everything I am ♪

♪ Because you loved me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ I'm everything I am ♪

♪ Because you loved me. ♪

My first standing O.

Hey, Tina, can I talk to you?

I wanted to say
you're always

so good in my musical numbers.

Your oohs and aahs
are always on pitch,

and your light sashaying makes
my tour de force performances

even more spine-tingling,
if that's even possible.

I appreciate it, and you.

Rachel, I can't tell you
how long

I've waited
to hear you say that.

Just because you're

a little more
in the background this year,

don't doubt
your talent, Tina.

Next year is all you.

It's finally your chance
to shine.

I couldn't believe it
when I heard that your

NYADA audition
didn't go well.

You're...
you're always so amazing.

I wish Madame Tibideaux
agreed with you.

So change her mind. I've tried.
She won't even return my calls.

That's not the Rachel Berry
I know.

If I were you,
I'd drive

to wherever she is and I'd stay

until I convinced Ms. Tibideaux
to give me another shot.

I can't believe
how supportive you are

when half the time,
I can't even be bothered

to thank you for your tremendous
supporting performances.

It's not completely selfless.

You're our secret weapon,
Rachel Berry,

and by helping you,
I help us all.

Oh, my God, Tina! Are you okay?
Get her! Get her! Get her!

Tina. Oh, my God, are you okay?
Ooh! Ooh, ooh!

Ugh.

Did she have to take in the
bolt of fabric with her?

That silk charmeuse is worth,
like, 25 bucks a yard.

A-five, six, seven, eight.

Mask, mask, helmet down.

Pivot, pivot.

Jump, mask, boys.

A-one, two, three,
four, five, six.

Burn! Burn!

Burn! Come on!

Let it burn!

Set this joint on fire!

Come on, burn the joint down!

Okay, cut the music.
Stop! Stop.

This is an unmitigated disaster.

Jennifer Beals
is spinning in her grave.

Gentlemen, I asked for a cascade
of sparks timed to the rhythm.

- I can't see through this helmet.
- I took mine off.

Metal sparks in your face is how you get freckles.
Is this even legal?

Yeah,
shouldn't we be in

some sort of grinding union?
Wanky.

Sue, they're right.

They can't pick up
advanced choreography

when they're weighed down
by helmets and metal grinders.

Grind, grind, pivot, kick,
pivot, spin, flip, split.

What's complicated
about that?

These props were supposed
to add to the routine,

not be the routine.

Well, maybe
you're right, William.

Maybe basic
sheet metal work

is just too much for
your 12th place choir.

Porcelain, thoughts?

I'm not doing a drag number.

We need a new approach.

I have an idea.

This is the
teachers' lounge.

It is our sacred space.

Britt and I are gay
and Mercedes is black,

so kicking us out
would be a hate crime.

Well, I'm not totally
gay, but I think

that trees are born the
same way as babies,

so kicking me out

would be
kind of mean.

Yeah. Thanks.

I'm eating my chicken, ladies.

You're still wearing
your wedding ring.

And I saw you

last night
at the 7:00 p.m. showing

of 21 Jump Street...
with Cooter.

Cooter was in 21 Jump Street?

I didn't know
he was an actor.

You told us
you were leaving him.

You lied to us.

I know how this looks,

but you just don't understand
how complicated

adult relationships can be.

I mean, he hit you
and you stayed.

What's complicated
about that?

I'm very sorry if this
is confusing for you,

but what's the world worth

if people don't get
a second chance?

Wait, so you're saying
he changed?

Well, he knows now that if he
treats me bad again, I am out.

You're so selfish!

You're selfish for
making me feel this way,

and I hate feeling
like this.

You know you
push my buttons!

I don't know.

Can people change that fast?

I mean, most guys I know
don't even know how

- to change their own underwear.
- I couldn't really

figure that out, so I just
stopped wearing any at all.

I think you need
to get out of the house,

if only for a weekend.

Come with us
to Nationals.

You have two
chaperones already.

I don't even know
if I'm welcome

back in Chicago
after I body-slammed

Refrigerator Perry
in a bar fight.

We care about you, Coach.

We just want to see you safe.

Thank you, girls,
but I can take care of myself.

Please ignore the
stench of mildew

and jock strap

and focus your attention
on the screen.

Porcelina?

Yesterday, I snuck into
a Vocal Adrenaline rehearsal,

and what I saw
is not for the faint of heart.

Lights.

Why is this
in black and white?

Because I worship The Artist.

Look at that.

Unlike you misfit,
ragtag stumblebums,

each member of Vocal Adrenaline
is in perfect sync.

Not a step out of place.

Okay, watch this closely, guys.

It's called the Human Centipede.

It's the newest, hardest

show choir dance move
ever invented.

Incredible.

That actually really
doesn't look that hard.

And the cherry on top

of the Vocal Adrenaline sundae
is their secret weapon, Unique.

Look at him/her.

Poised, confident.

Pretty as a picture
with a booty that won't quit.

It's the Unique factor

that gives Vocal Adrenaline
its edge.

Isn't Rachel our
Unique factor?

Not even close.

I'm not saying
that Mrs. Focker

doesn't deserve a solo,

but every show choir
in the country

- has a little girl with a big nose.
- Okay, Sue.

High school judges
are proven idiots.

They love props, and Unique
is the ultimate prop.

Do you seriously think
that we need

a guy to dress in drag to win?

- No.
- Yes.

It's the only way.

Sounded pretty good to me.

I'm singing into the notes,
not through them,

but I'll get it.

It never stops
for you, does it?

Well, I let myself
get overconfident once,

and I'm not
going to let it happen again.

Have you heard back
from Carmen Tibideaux yet?

I just have to accept the
fact that I'm not going to.

I've e-mailed her
and called her,

and there's nothing left
that I can do.

You could go see her.
It's what you suggested I do in

the body-swapping
dream I had about us.

When I fell in the fountain at
the mall and hit my head.

It was like Freaky Friday.
I was you, and you were me,

and Kurt was Finn, and he wanted
to have sex with me, as you.

That's very disturbing.

But then you, as Tina,
told me, as Rachel,

"Go see Carmen Tibideaux in
person

and not take no for an answer."

Okay, I'm very confused.

But the advice I gave myself in
your dream was good.

I did some research.

Carmen Tibideaux is teaching
a master class at Oberlin.

If we go right now,
we can still catch her.

I could drive.

You would do that for me?

Why? I mean, all that stuff
you said.

I mean, you weren't wrong.

Look, everyone is important,

and I'm very sorry if I made you
feel like a supernumerary.

I'm sorry.

Everyone has their part
to play, right?

Maybe this is mine.

Thank you.

You do know that next year,

you're going to be
the lead female vocalist.

And it's a lot of pressure,
but I'm not worried.

Oh, no, please don't cry.

You need to drive
Is your Hyundai gassed-up?

Since Porcelain refuses
to be a team player

and dress up like a lady,

we're gonna have
to up our prop game.

I've ordered 18 little people,
one for each of you.

Wait. Little people?

Munchkins.
I found 'em online, William.

And don't worry,
I got a mix of race

and ethnicities so you can keep up
with your little diversity charade.

I can't dance with a little
person. I can hardly walk.

There's that can don't attitude,
Quinn.

Sue, I think maybe we are going
a little too far with the props.

Let's just spend some time working
on choreography for "Dash Board."

Sure, if you want to lose.

Puck?

Hello...

My eyes are burning.

Look at those legs.

I am strangely
turned on right now.

Please only address me
by my stage name... Lola.

Puckerman, I respect your
commitment to winning,

but without a doubt, you are the
ugliest woman I have ever seen.

For a second there, I thought
you were Beiste's sister.

It's not about being pretty.

It's about someone in here
having the balls

to do what he has to do
to put us over the top.

Well, you know, if this is gonna
work, you're gonna have

to shave off all of
your body hair.

Enough!

Sue, look, I really appreciate

all the help
you've been giving us

but I am done with all
this props madness.

All we're doing for the
next three hours

is learning choreography
for "Dash Board."

Puck, go change.

You cannot see
something like that.

William, I'm oddly aroused by
your sudden forcefulness,

and I will let you
handle this rehearsal,

however, I feel it
necessary to warn you:

I prepaid for
the little people.

It's the darkest day in Ohio
since Ernest Byner. Boy, how the

mighty have
truly fallen, huh?

Take a good look
at him, boys.

This empty, useless shell of a
man you see before you used

to be the Noah Puckerman,

the guy they named the Dumpster
out by the smoking lounge

after 'cause he had dumped
more dweebs in it

than any ten dudes
combined.

Keep rocking that mullet, Ricky,

Maybe it a few years it will
come back in style.

And today he finally succumbed
to the toxic fumes of Glee Club

and came to school wearing a fricking dress.
Are you looking

to pick a fight? 'Cause there's
three of you and one of me,

so you're gonna you'd need
about two more guys

to make it a fair fight,
you fricking loser.

Oh, I'm a loser?

Did I tell you I got
into Ohio State?

Yeah, I'm gonna
play hockey there.

What's your plan
after graduation?

Oh, that's right,
you aren't graduating.

Face it, Puck,
you're the guy

we all used to make fun
of when we were freshman.

The one who used to hang out
hung out in front of the 7-11

picking up on high school girls
after graduating.

In two months you'll
be buying

my little brother beer
and just begging him

to take you to a party.
You're a Lima loser.

I'm going to rip that mullet off
your head.

You want to fight, fine.
But not here.

Out by your Dumpster.

See, I don't want
to get in trouble.

'Cause unlike you,
I got a lot to lose.

How's the wedding
planning going?

Kind of slow lately, but we
still have the same plan:

win Nationals, come back,
graduate, and then

just have a nice little church
wedding performed

by a rabbi with our
nearest and dearest.

And hopefully nobody will get
tragically injured this time.

You think we're gonna win
Nationals?

You know, our first Regionals
and last year,

I had this feeling, like
we were just gonna win.

But this year, nothing.

I just really, really,
want to win, though.

If not for us,
then for Mr. Schue.

What if we go all this way,
and Carmen just says no?

She won't.
She might.

I don't have a back up plan,
all right?

And I don't want to waste
lose a year

of my ingenue eligibility.

You always make it
so hard,

but you were born under
a blessed gold star.

Everyone knows it.

I don't know if I think
that way anymore.

I mean, think of most
of the adults we know, okay?

I bet you that things used to
go their way all the time,

and then one day,
just, they didn't.

And now they
have a job they hate

and they live a life that
they don't even recognize.

And I bet you that they don't
even bother to dream anymore.

That's not everyone.

Yeah, but most people.

No. Okay. I'm not going
there yet.

Carmen is going to say yes.

There's the Rachel Berry
we all know and love.

Yeah, I'm really glad
we're doing this together.

Thank you.

Can you do me one favor?

Before you graduate,
can we sing together?

I would love that.

♪ She's a mania, maniac... ♪

Last chance to walk away

with whatever teeth
you have left, Stickhead.

Please. I just hope you brought
a change of clothes

'cause you're going
Dumpster diving.

But hey, maybe while
you're in there,

you'll find your garbage father.

How's he doing,
by the way?

You know, I tried his microbrew.
It sucked.

Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Game on.

Oh!

Hit him! Hit him! Hit him!
Take him down!

Hit him!

Hit him!

Hit him! Hit him!

Let's just make this easy.
Hop in there yourself.

Come on, man!

The reign
of Noah Puckerman is over!

Your winner,
and still a loser.

Loser! Loser!
Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser!

Ah, you want some more,
there, Nancy?

Whoa! Whoa, dude.
What the hell you doing, man?

I'm not a loser!

Drop it!
Get over here!

Drop it!

The show's over!
Everybody go home!

Get out of here!

Except for you.

Come on!

A knife?!

It's rubber. It's just a prop
from West Side Story.

What the hell are you thinking?!

You could get expelled for this!

It doesn't matter.
I'm flunking out!

You've got a record!

You could get
arrested for assault!

I don't care!

Well, you damn well should care!

I'm nothing!

Don't you get it?!
I'm nothing!

I'm the school joke!
A failure!

You don't know what it's like
to be worthless,

where nothing you do matters!

I feel that way every day
of my life!

Every damn day!

You know how many
football games or concerts

my mom's been to in the last four years?
None. Not one.

My dad's been AWOL since
I was ten years old,

which is fine because all he ever
did was tell me I was garbage!

And he must be really
proud of himself

'cause that's exactly
how I turned out!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Come here.

I'm sorry!

You know, you and me,
we're badasses.

Nobody thinks
anything hurts us, but it does.

It does. It's okay.

♪ But I'm always true to you,
darlin', ♪

♪ In my fashion ♪

♪ Yes, I'm always true
to you... ♪

♪ Darling, in my way... ♪

Breath control is better,

but the phrasing is still
emotionally flaccid.

Emotionally flaccid.

Thank you, Madame Tibideaux.

Thank you.

Madame Tibideaux, hello.
I'm sorry to interrupt,

but it's me, Rachel Berry.

I'm sorry.
I realize that I've

been a little persistent,
but I'm just...

I am a very busy woman.

Every moment I spend deleting

yet another one of your
voicemails

about lost hopes and dreams

takes time away
from another student.

What makes you think you
are entitled

to any more attention than
other hundreds of people I see

with the same hopes
and dreams?

No. I'm so sorry. I don't mean
to take time away from them.

But you do.

And I'm tired of it.

Ms. Tibideaux, I know
exactly how you feel.

Rachel Berry is
a pain in the ass.

What she wants, she gets.

And I've spent a lot of time
resenting her for it.

But the fact is, she gets
it because she's exceptional.

Not just the voice,
which is sick,

but the focus, the drive.

How often do you come across
the real deal?

The "real deal" that couldn't
remember the words to the song?

Which was as rare as a Bigfoot sighting.
She had an off day,

and that decides
her entire future?

Ms. Tibideaux, I realize
that I'm asking you

to take me into special
consideration.

but let me ask you.
You've had an amazing career,

did you get there
by playing by it safe?

Please, we're performing
our Nationals in Chicago,

and we saw that you're gonna
be singing there

at the Lyric Opera.

And before you close the door,
I just,

I need you to hear me sing.
I have to.

There's nothing that
I'm as good at

or as passionate about or that
brings me that much joy.

And I think that
that sets me apart.

And I think it's time for you
and your friend to go.

Okay, but I just want you
to know that...

I'll see you again next year.

And every year after
that until I get in.

Didn't I read somewhere
that you

auditioned for Juilliard
four times?

Thank you.

Hey, baby.

I got us a couple of pies.

Hawaiian, your favorite.

I'm sorry, Shannon.

You know how sorry I am.

Listen, guy
from Michigan

has been poaching every
kid I took a sniff of

and everyone's on my ass

and, if I'm being
totally honest...

I'm always feeling like
I'm disappointing you.

And... it doesn't matter.

You know why?

'Cause I know I can't
lose my cool anymore,

and I won't.

I promise.

Oh, come on, baby, sit
down. We're celebrating.

You remember that, uh, that
bear of a lineman I told you

I was hot on from
Newton South?

Got him to sign on
the dotted line!

Come on, baby.

You got my word.

What, are you gonna stab me?

Not with that one.

It's fake.

Maybe the big one
in the kitchen.

The one I've been sleeping
with at night under my pillow.

Oh, God.

Baby, I'm so sorry.

I mean, how did we let it
get so out of hand?

I'm out.

I got shame about what
happened between us,

but I leave that here
with my ring and with you.

Oh, please, please.

Don't... don't leave me, okay?

You can't hate me anymore
than I already hate myself.

I don't hate you!

That's the awful part of it.

I love you!

But what does that say
about what I think of me?

What are you gonna do, huh,
just walk out on me?

Who's going to love you
the way I loved you, Shannon?

Who's going to love you now?

Me.

♪ You, with your words like
knives and swords and weapons ♪

♪ That you use against me ♪

♪ You have knocked me
off my feet again ♪

♪ Got me feeling
like I'm nothing ♪

♪ You, with your voice
like nails on a chalkboard ♪

♪ Calling me out
when I'm wounded ♪

♪ You, pickin'
on the weaker man ♪

♪ Well, you can take me down
with just one single blow ♪

♪ But you don't know
what you don't know ♪

♪ Someday I'll be living
in a big old city ♪

♪ And all you're ever
gonna be is mean ♪

♪ Someday I'll be big enough
so you can't hit me ♪

♪ And all you're ever gonna be
is mean ♪

♪ Why you gotta be so mean? ♪

♪ And I can see you
years from now in a bar ♪

♪ Talking over a football game ♪

♪ With that same
big, loud opinion ♪

♪ But nobody's listening ♪

♪ Washed up and ranting about
the same old bitter things ♪

♪ Drunk and grumbling on
about how I can't sing ♪

♪ But all you are is mean ♪

♪ All you are is mean ♪

♪ And a liar ♪

♪ And pathetic ♪

♪ And alone in life and mean ♪

♪ And mean, and mean, and mean ♪

♪ But someday I'll be living
in a big old city ♪

♪ And all you're ever gonna be
is mean ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Someday I'll be living
in a big old city ♪

♪ Why gotta be so mean? ♪

♪ And you're ever gonna be
is mean ♪

♪ Why you gotta be so mean? ♪

So why are you in here singing
all by your lonesome?

Just trying out a song
for Nationals.

I gotta win at something.

Well, you may not know it,
but you already have.

I talked to
Mrs. Doosenberry.

She's gonna let you have
another go at that test.

Why? She hates me.

Hated your attitude.

But I told her
how you wiggled

into a skirt for the
good of your team.

She's into that?

Oh, should've known
Doosenberry was a lady-lover

when she didn't climb
aboard the Puck wagon.

No, when you did that, you showed
that you cared about something.

Something way bigger
than just you.

That's all she ever
wanted from you.

That's all any of us
teachers ever wanted.

So, you're gonna
retake the exam

next week, and I'm gonna
help you through it.

Why would you do that,
help me like that?

Because, Noah, you will never
know how much you've helped me.

You are loved, punkin.

You are not alone.

Aah, I pricked my thumb!

Okay, Costume Committee?

Sucks.

Why do we have
to do all the work?

Quinn says
it's because we're the newbies,

- and we gotta pay our dues.
- Whatever.

It's ridick the seniors treat us
like plebes.

I mean, this is Rachel
Berry's dress, right?

She should sew it herself.

Rachel is probably practicing
her songs right now,

over and over again,

until her vocal chords bleed.

And none of us would
be going to Chicago

if not for her commitment
to Glee Club,

so show some respect.

While we're acting like
shrubbery in the background?

Put in the work...

be a good team player,

and you'll get your solos.

And maybe next year
it'll be

as part of a group
that won Nationals.

And this costume
is yours, Sugar,

but I'm happy
to be sewing it.

Because the truth is,

it takes a lot of crystals
to make something shine.

Now, that's great, and then
we shift to the Trouble Tones

for Gaga's "Edge of Glory,"
which is up-tempo.

I like this.
This will work.

William, I can taste
your Axe Body Spray.

Hey, you.

Going somewhere, Shannon?

I'd like to be a chaperone
for Nationals.

I'll pay my own way
and I'll sleep on the bus.

You don't have to
sleep on the bus.

I'm sure we
can make room.

I booked an executive
maternity suite.

Sharing it wouldn't be fair
to the baby.

You can bunk with me and Emma.

So you packed a bag on the off-chance
you'd be coming to Chicago?

I left him.

Welcome aboard, Shannon.

If it wasn't for Tina, I would never
have gone to see Carmen Tibideaux.

Yeah, she's like
an offensive lineman.

She always in the trenches,

picking up blitzers so the
quarterback can lead the drive.

Sorry, you lost me at
"offensive lineman,"

but I'm sure whatever
you said was really nice.

All right, there's no other option
but just to exceed all expectations.

We have to win
at Nationals.

There's no alternative.

You know, you really
are our "Unique Factor."

Ah, it's

"You know, I did hundreds
and hundreds of movies.

Now, two mice jumped
into a bucket of cream and..."

No, no, I think we all are.

I mean, in a sea full of kids

who are just desperately
clinging to their own kind,

we're different.

We took the time
to get to know each other

and reach out
and accept one other.

That's our "Unique Factor."

And that's what I love about us.

Yeah, me, too.

♪ All alone I have cried ♪

♪ Silent tears, full of pride ♪

♪ In a world made of steel ♪

♪ Made of stone ♪

♪ Well, I hear the music ♪

♪ Close my eyes,
feel the rhythm ♪

♪ Wrap around,
take ahold of my heart ♪

♪ What a feeling ♪

♪ Bein's believin' ♪

♪ I can have it all,
now I'm dancing for my life ♪

♪ Take your passion ♪

♪ And make it happen ♪

♪ Pictures come alive ♪

♪ Now I'm dancing
through my life ♪

♪ What a feeling ♪

♪ What a feeling ♪

♪ I am music now ♪

♪ Bein's believin' ♪

♪ I am rhythm now ♪

♪ Pictures come alive ♪

♪ You can dance
right through your life ♪

♪ What a feeling ♪

♪ I can really have it all ♪

♪ What a feeling ♪

♪ I am rhythm now ♪

♪ I can have it all ♪

♪ I can really have it all ♪

♪ Have it all ♪

♪ Call, call, call, call ♪

♪ What a feeling! ♪
Let's go to Nationals!