Glee (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 2 - I Am Unicorn - full transcript

Shelby Corcoran returns to the halls of McKinley High. Meanwhile, Mr. Schuester initiates a boot camp for some of the members of New Directions.

So, Here is what you missed on
Glee: Quinn's got a new look,

and a new crowd of Skanks.
Kurt got Blaine to join

the New Directions, which is
good, because Santana got

kicked out, and Sugar Motta
wasn't good enough to get in.
Who cares what you think?

McKinley's doing West Side
Story, and Kurt and Rachel

need the leads
so they can get into NYADA.

Sue's using her
run for Congress

to come after the arts.
Believe it or not,

still not
a big fan of the Glee Club.

And that's what you missed
on Glee.

(school bell ringing)

I really like your outfit.

And I think you're,
like, fabulous,

and I just love
everything that you do.

Why, thank you, Brit.

Okay, I really want to run
your campaign for president.

Out of all the kids at the
school, I think that you

are the biggest unicorn.
I'm sorry?

Well, when a pony does
a good deed, he gets a horn,

and he, he becomes a unicorn,
and he poops out cotton candy,

until he forgets he's magical.

And then his horn falls off.

And black unicorns,
they becomes zebras.

Oh, that's... that's
a terrifying story.

No, it's not.

No, okay. No.

The point is, is that...

a unicorn is sebody who
knows they're magical,

and isn't afraid to show it.

You went through
hell last year,

and you never forgot
how special you were.

And I've slept with a lot of
people, and am really popular,

so I think I could
get you mega votes.

Then why don't
you just run?

I'm not smart enough.

What's the capital of Ohio?



Do you even know who
the president is?


Well, Brit, I have to say
that I'm, I'm flattered.

And really excited.

Cool. Okay, I'll come
over after school,

and we'll work on
your campaign posters.

I got a lot of great ideas.

Great. Great, uh...
I'll see you then.


(school bell ringing)
All right, New Directions!

Big news. As you all know,

Vocal Adrenaline came in
second last year at Nationals.

The only good thing to come
out of that lost weekend.

Besides us getting
back together.

Well, the boosters at Carmel

don't donate tens of
thousands of dollars

every year to come in second.

So they fired Dustin Goolsby--
So handsome.

and they're having trouble
finding a new coach.

Seems that no one wants to
take on that pressure cooker.

That means they're vulnerable.

Yes. And if we work hard
enough, we can beat them.

Which is why I've
realized that, um...

I can't direct the
musical this year.

But, Mr. Shue, you can't
cancel the musical.

My New York dreams
depend on it.

I'm not cancelling it,
I'm just not directing it.

My sole focus has
to be in here.

Nationals, Nationals.

And it's not just me
that's going to have to

focus harder this year.
I've been too easy on you.

So every day
after choir practice

I'm instituting a mandatory
"Booty Camp,"

so that we can work
on our dancing.

Now, it's not for all of you--
just the people that

I think need help. Like...

How did you know?

And Puckerman, Hummel.
I must protest.

You kind of have one move, Kurt.
It's like this...

and it's super distracting.


Hell to the nizzy-no.
You told me once
you were Beyonce.

You don't think she spends
extra time in the dance studio?

Mike Chang has offered
to be my assistant.

And we start tomorrow and yes,
Puckerman, it is mandatory.

Mr. Schuester, would you mind if
I dropped by for a little bit?

I really need to catch
up with you guys.
Okay, Mr. Shue, I'm glad

that you're so concerned with
our special needs members,

but what about me? Okay? Who's
going to direct the musical?

Ladies and gentleman--
your co-musical directors,

Ms. Pillsbury and
Coach Beiste.

Now, Ms. Pillsbury did such
a good job helping me out

with Rocky Horror
last year that

I knew she could
handle the job.

And I'm here to keep the
football guys in line.

I've also talked them
into playing the "Jets."

Mr. Shue, with all due
respect to Ms. Pillsbury

and Coach Beiste, this is crazy.
They have absolutely

zero experience in
directing a musical.
Not true.

In college, I was in
A Funny Thing Happened

on the Way to the Forum.
I played the Forum.

The teachers at this school

are already overworked and

unfortunately a lot of them
agree with Sue that

the arts are a waste of time.

Besides, they are going
to have some help.

I've decided to include a
student director this year.

Mr. Shue, I'm honored,
but Barbra was 40

when she directed herself
in Yentl, so it's just,

it's too soon.
I hate you.

I was actually hoping that
Artie would take the job.


I've developed my whole persona
around conflict avoidance.

Come on, Artie,
you've made short films,

directing is your dream.
You can do it.

I'm in.

(cheering, clapping)
All right.

(school bell ringing)

You still make
a mean cup of coffee?


What are you--
what are you doing here?

It's the teachers'
lounge, isn't it?

It's where all the
teachers hang out.


I'm a teacher here now.

Well, part-time.

You ever hear of this
guy named Al Motta?

Mr. Motta, just so I'm clear,

in exchange for this
very generous donation

all I have to do is hire Ms.
Corcoran to start a second

show choir at McKinley which
features your daughter?

For which I will cover
any and all expenses.

My Sugar's
a Super Nova, Figgy.

You have a deal.
Mrs. Denny-Brown!

Mr. Motta has just ended
our toilet paper shortage

with this enormous check!

Wipe away!

They actually sent a headhunter
to track me down in New York.

Apparently I am the best show
choir director money can buy.

Don't worry, I'm not going
to poach any of your kids.

I'm less worried about that
than about the fact that

you being here is going to
be really hard on Rachel.

I appreciate that.

I plan on reaching out to her.

What about Puck and Quinn?

Lima's where I made
a series of mistakes

that defined me
for 16 years.

Lima's where I... I have to
make things right again.

I know that seems impossible,
but I have to try.


I will take you at your word.

But as for your
little Glee Club...

...the more arts at this
school the better.

So, may the best
Glee Club win.

We will.

Give us your lunch money.

We're hungry. We need
something to barf back up.

Don't test me.

I was a foster kid, which means
I'm used to stabbing people.

You're so mean...

That's right. It's what
passed for love in my house.

Skanks, I've got to
talk to that lady alone.

First of all, smoking kills.

Second, it really does make
you look cooler, doesn't it?

Sorry, Coach,

but you have no
power over me anymore,

'cause I've got
nothing left to lose.

Oh, Q, I look at you
and I'm stunned.

You've never looked worse.

You've lost your child,
your boyfriend, your rep,

and worse, your high pony.
You know who I blame?

The Glee Club.

You know, when you
were in my grasp,

you were at the
top of the pyramid.

But then you joined the
Glee Club, and became lost,

forced to sway
in the background.

Will Schuester never did
appreciate the gentle tremble

of your thin,
forgettable alto.


What if I were to
offer you the chance

to get revenge on the Glee
Club and become a star?

My Congressional campaign
is producing a video:

a day in the life of a girl from
whom the arts stole everything.

And I think I've found my girl.

First, a few demands.

I need thrift store couches
under the bleachers.

I've realized that
after smoking all day,

it hurts to stand.

Fair enough.

Quinn Fabray,
you have a deal.

Okay. We're going to make
100,000 copies

of each poster.
And then...

We'll ve each student
a swag bag full of this:

We're going to call it "Kurt
Hummel's Bulging Pink Fun Sack."

Well, I... you know,
I don't know what to say.

That happens to me all the time.

My lips move, but
only dust comes out.

You know, I appreciate
the enthusiasm.

But... you know,
it's just all wrong.

I think it's just,
you know, a tad too...


I feel like I might
as well have a big

neon sign above my head
that says, you know,

I mean, you'll
need a long extension cord,

but I love it.
I'm joking.

Well, next time
you make a joke,

nudge me in the ribs or, like,
honk a horn or something.

Look, I don't just want
to be known as, you know,

"Kurt Hummel, Homo."

What's wrong with that?

Look, 99% of
the kids at the school

are either freaks,
or closet freaks.

The captain of the football
squad, he gets the job,

but he doesn't
represent the people.

That's why we
need a unicorn.

And I agree with the sentiment,

I just want something,
you know, toned down a tad.

I came up with a
campaign poster, too.


Ta-da! Hmm?

It's understated,
yet elegant.

Inspired, of course, by the
classic Blackglama fur coat ads.

Rumor has it that
Judy Garland--

down on her luck and
thin as a baby bird--

stole her Blackglama mink coat
after her photo shoot.

And it wasn't
even lined yet.

You should tell that story
during your campaign speech.

It's like... so unicorn.

I don't have time for this.

Gotta meet the
Skanks on the roof.

Gonna throw ketchup-covered
tampons at the marching band.

You're back.
Yeah, I went to New York.

Thought I'd do it all,
the whole working mother thing.

But when I was in rehearsal,
even... even performing,

I couldn't stop
thinking about Beth.

How I could miss her
milestones, you know?

Her first steps,
first words...

first arabesque.
I get it.

So when I got this job offer,
I couldn't refuse.

I've missed so many
firsts in Rachel's life.

I was not about to
do that with Beth.

Neat story,

but I'm late for
a meeting on the roof.

Quinn, just listen to her.
Hey. Look.

Since the day that I gave
Rachel up for adoption,

I have been walking through life

searching for her face
everywhere I go.

Imagining what she's doing,
what she may be like...

I don't want you to go
through what I went through.

Part of me is-is
back here because...

because I want you
to get to know Beth.

I want you to be
a part of her life.

When do I get to see her?

Are you okay?
What's going on with you?

Are you even in Glee anymore?

Did you come here
just to torment me

with the idea of
seeing my child?

Look. I want you to be
a part of Beth's life.

But not like this.

If you're really
serious about Beth,

clean up your act.
You think you can
tell me what to do?

Just cause you signed
a couple of papers?

You're not her mom!
I'm her mom!

Me! So...

You can pretend
all you want,

but that is something you
are never going to be.


MERCEDES: Listen, Mr. Shue,
I'm all for participating,

but Shay says I'm more
of a park and bark

and I tend to agree.

A what and what?

Park and bark--
I stand center stage

singing the notes
no one else can

while all of you guys
dance around me.

Booty Camp is about
all of you dancing, Mercedes.

In unison.

I mean, look at
Vocal Adrenaline.

When they're in synch--
one big terrifying machine,

they're unstoppable.

Mike, do your thing.
Let's go.

The jazz square, the grapevine,

the kick ball change,
and pivot.

We perfect these basics,
we'll win Nationals.

Grapevine to
the right.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Keep it going.

I-- am-- in-- hell.

I'm going to put
my light under a bushel,

if only to shine brighter
for the auditions tomorrow.

I'm still trying to decide

between "Maria"
and "Something's Coming."

Those are Tony songs. Are you
auditioning for Tony, too?

Would that be weird?
No, no, not at all.

You'd be a great Tony.

Be the perfect Tony actually,
in some respects.

MIKE: Finn, you look like
you're stepping on bees.

Come on,
Mercedes, blend.

Well, except I'm a junior.

Tony's the lead.

Which means that a senior should
probably play that part.

Yeah, that is kind
of how it works, huh?

I'd be fine with Bernardo
or Officer Krupke.

as long as it was
opposite your Tony.

Kurt, jazz hands.

(bell ringing)

(singing scales)
* La-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah *

(singing higher scale)
* La-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah *

в™Є La-ah... в™Є

Your range is better.

It was impressive
a year and a half ago,

but it's even
better now.

This is a private rehearsal.

What song are you
auditioning with?

That's none of your business,
okay? If you've come here

to ask me to join your little
group, the answer is no.

My loyalty is
to the New Directions.

They're my family,

and family means something--
at least to me.

Rachel, like we talked
about before I'm your
birth mother.

Yeah, but not my mother.
I know, okay?

I almost had to go to
therapy because of you.

Look, I-I'll be polite, okay?
Don't worry, if I see you

in the halls Il make
eye contact and I'll nod.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to get back
to my rehearsal.

there's a place for us."

I just said that there wasn't.
I'm talking about the song.

I played Maria 18 times.

"Somewhere" is the perfect
audition song for you.

You should do it.

Well, I was considering it.

But it's a very
challenging song so...

I was just going to do
"I Feel Pretty,"

which I'm actually
amazing at.

You will never become
a star or get the lead

if you play it safe.

Try it.

(intro to "Somewhere" playing)

в™Є There's a place for us в™Є

в™Є Somewhere a place for us в™Є

в™Є Peace and quiet and open air в™Є

в™Є Wait for us somewhere в™Є

в™Є There's a time for us в™Є

в™Є Someday a time for us в™Є

в™Є Time together
with time to spare в™Є

в™Є Time to learn в™Є

в™Є Time to care в™Є

в™Є Someday в™Є

в™Є Somewhere в™Є

в™Є We'll find a new
way of living в™Є

в™Є Oh, we'll find
a way of forgiving в™Є

в™Є Somewhere в™Є

в™Є Somewhere в™Є

в™Є There's a place for us в™Є

в™Є A time and a place for us в™Є

в™Є Hold my hand
and we're halfway there в™Є

в™Є Hold my hand
and I'll take you there в™Є

в™Є Somehow в™Є

в™Є Someday в™Є

в™Є Somewhere. в™Є


(applause continues)


(film projector clicking)

Quinn Fabray used to be
on top of the world.

She had it all.

But now she walks the hallways
of McKinley High broken, alone.

What happened, Quinn Fabray?

I got involved in the arts.

SUE: And now after a long
day of snorting Splenda
and cutting class,

she kills the pain the
only way she knows how--

smoking corn starch.

Wait, what?

Cut. The dummy could not
remember her lines, Coach.

Now remember, just like
we rehearsed it.

Mr. Schuester, I came here to
give you a piece of my mind.

What's going on here?

I used to have everything.

Dated the quarterback
of the football team,

was the captain of the Cheerios!

I was the prettiest, most
popular girl at this school

until I joined Glee Club,
and then it all went to hell.

This is campaign dynamite.
I just want you to know

that I am never coming back
to Glee Club-- ever.

Do you understand?
I hope you're happy.

Ms. Fabray,


You know, there's only one
person in this world

that you care about
and that's yourself.

You have no idea...
I'm not finished!

You're not a little girl
anymore, Quinn.

How long do you plan
on playing the victim card?

Since day one, you've done
nothing but sabotage

the same Glee Club that
has been there for you
over and over again.

When you got pregnant,
when your parents
kicked you out,

Mercedes even let
you live at her house.

And I don't recall ever hearing
so much as a thank you.

So now you're a train wreck.
Well, congratulations.

But you stride into my office
and tell me that it's my fault?

Well, then,

I have something
to say to you.

Grow up.

Would you turn that thing off?

And... cut.

Fantastic. I got...

Oh, no, damn it.

My finger was over the thingie.
I didn't get any of that.

Come on, Becky.

That was really sexy.

(doorbell ringing)

(doorbell ringing)


I hope it's okay that
I just stopped by.

How do you know
where I live?

Um, I have friends
in law enforcement.

Noah, I told you, I want you
to be a part of Beth's life,

but on my terms. You can't
just barge in on me like this.

Here's a drug test.

See? Totally clean.

I also haven't had
a drink since we
talked-- besides beer.

I even did some homework.
Turns out Napoleon,

not just a dessert--
he was a real dude.

Well, that is great.

I'm-- honestly I'm
truly impressed.

But having a relationship
with a child isn't about
little bursts of energy.

This is a long-term commitment.

(Beth crying)

Crap, she's awake.

Hi, sweetie.

Come here.

Oh, that's it.

Okay. It's okay.

It's okay.

My God, she
looks like Quinn.

And you.

She has that same
dopey smile.

Can you say hi?


I was happy, you know,

that she was with you,
and it made it easier.

I drew her a picture.

It was supposed to be a clown,

but it kind of turned out
like a pig,

so I call it
a clown pig.

It's kind of my own
made-up animal.

Look what he drew us.

Thought it might
make her think of me.


You don't think it will
scare her, do you?

No. She'll be okay.

She's tough.

Do you want to hold her?

Can he hold you?

If he takes your blankie,
can he hold you?

I don't want
to freak her out.

We'll work up to it.

I'll do anything--

anything to prove to you
that I can be in her life.

Please just give
me that chance.


Here you go, buddy.

Thanks, Coach.

She's like my own
private Jim Henson.


Hello. I'm Kurt Hummel.

And I'll be auditioning
for the role of Tony.

The male lead.

That's great, Kurt.

I'll be performing the seminal,
and in my case,

Broadway classic,

"I'm the Greatest Star,"
from Funny Girl.

Isn't that a Streisand song?

I know what you're thinking,
but I got written permission

from the woman herself.
Ms. Rachel Berry.

And I'd also like to thank
Cassius from my dad's tire shop

for kindly constructing
my audition scaffolding.

Okay, whenever you're ready.

(intro to "I'm the Greatest
Star" playing)

в™Є I'm the greatest star в™Є

в™Є I am by far в™Є

в™Є But no one knows it в™Є

в™Є Wait, they're gonna
hear a voice в™Є

в™Є A silver flute в™Є

в™Є Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah в™Є

They'll cheer each toot... *

Hey, I hear it's terrific.

в™Є When I expose it в™Є

в™Є Now, can't you see
to look at me в™Є

в™Є That I'm a natural Camille? в™Є

в™Є As Camille, I just feel в™Є

в™Є I've so much to offer в™Є

Hey, listen, kid,
I know I'd be divine because...

в™Є I'm a natural cougher в™Є

(coughing rhythmically)

в™Є Some ain't got it,
not a lump в™Є

в™Є I'm a great big clump
of talent в™Є


в™Є They'll bend in half в™Є

Did you ever hear the story
about the traveling salesman?

в™Є A thousand jokes в™Є
Stick around for the jokes.

в™Є A thousand faces,
I reiterate в™Є

в™Є When you're gifted,
then you're gifted в™Є

в™Є These are facts,
I got no axe to grind в™Є

Hey, what are you, blind?!

в™Є In all of the world so far в™Є

в™Є I'm the greatest star в™Є

в™Є I'm the greatest star в™Є

в™Є I am by far в™Є

в™Є But no one knows it в™Є

в™Є That's why I was born в™Є

в™Є I'll blow my horn в™Є

в™Є Till someone blows it в™Є

в™Є I'll light up like a light в™Є

в™Є Right up like a light в™Є

в™Є I'll flicker, then flare up в™Є

в™Є All the world's
gonna stare up в™Є

в™Є Looking down,
you'll never see me в™Є

в™Є Try the sky,
'cause that'll be me в™Є

в™Є I can make 'em cry,
I can make 'em sigh в™Є

в™Є Someday they'll clamor
for my dram-er в™Є

в™Є Have you guessed yet
who's the best yet? в™Є

в™Є If you ain't,
I'll tell you one more time в™Є

в™Є You bet your last dime в™Є

в™Є In all of the world so far в™Є

в™Є I am the greatest в™Є

в™Є Greatest star... в™Є


(holds final note)

Heck, yeah!

Beautiful! Beautiful!

(school bell ringing)

Menthol 100's?

Really, skank?
You can't be in here.

It's the girls' bathroom.

I'm always here;
the stalls are cleaner.

Hey, you need to lose the
skank act and get it together.

Look, everyone needs
to leave me alone,

because this is who I am.

You look like a Real
Housewife of Reno.

I saw Beth.


She's perfect.

She looks
just like you.

Well, the old you.

Yeah, well, it doesn't matter.

We're not parent material.

We can be.

We're never
going to be together.

I don't care about
you, I care about her.

I don't want her having
questions or being messed up.

She needs you
in her life.

(school bell ringing)

Okay, Marias.

For me,
it's Rachel Berry.

I'm just a huge fan.

She's got the eye of the tiger,
which I like.

She's Jewish,
but I think that helps

with the whole
Puerto Rican thing.

But we do have Mercedes
Jones coming in.

For my money, she has the most
soulful voice here at McKinley.

Yeah, she's not white, either,
which I like for Maria.

So we'll keep an open mind.


Um, Kurt Hummel
for Tony.

I mean, let's
talk about

star quality, shall we?
Kurt was awesome.

No question.

He owned that song like
it was his prison bitch.

My thing is, Tony's supposed
to be from the streets.

He's the leader
of the Jets,

an alpha gang member.

I look at Kurt,
and I don't believe it.

Well, respectfully, Coach,
Tony's retired from the Jets.

He's a poet of
the urban jungle.

There is a delicate
wholesomeness to Kurt

that's unexpected, but
not unwelcome, for Tony.

I mean, if I were Maria,
I'd love to be held

in Kurt's toothpick
arms on my fire escape.

Listen, I
love the kid,

but I want a Tony
that excites my lady parts.

Hummel's too much of a lady.

Well, Artie, you
know him best.

Could Kurt, you
know, could he pass?

I'm a firm believer

in color-blind,
non-traditional casting.

For instance, I hope
to play Porgy one day.

And we should definitely
see who else comes in.

But, yeah, I'm a
little worried that

Kurt may be a little
delicate for Tony.

(school bell ringing)


(school bell ringing)

This is not the poster
we agreed on!

The poster that you wanted
gave me crippling depression.

I wanted something toned down!

This is toned down.

In the original,

the unicorn was riding you.

I don't know why
you're so upset.

You're special; you
need to embrace it.

This is who you are.
I'm not gonna win.

Rachel, Rachel!
I need you.

I need you to come with me
to the auditorium right now

and help me audition
for Tony again.

Last-minute emergency
audition? Say no more.

And stop putting
up those posters!

I failed my precious unicorn.


Look, this campaign
is brilliant.


Completely. And if
he doesn't get it,

then he doesn't deserve to have
you as his campaign manager.

There's no one like you.

You're a genius, Brittany.

You are the unicorn.

Are we seeing more
ethnic Marias today?

That's rude.

Is there any more?


I'm sorry,

I thought you two
auditioned already.

You heard me sing,
but I wanted to show you

the pure masculine power and
intensity I would bring to Tony

if and when
you graced me with the part.


Sorry. Sorry.

I've asked your
obvious Maria-elect

to do a cold reading
with me,

not from West Side Story,

but from the play
it's originally based on,

William Shakespeare's
Romeo and Juliet.

And might I just add that I only
read through the scene once

ten minutes ago
and I'm already off book.

So you're playing Romeo, Kurt?

Picture, if you will,

Juliet's boudoir.

Post coitus.

Wilt thou be gone?

It is not yet
near day.

It was the nightingale,
and not the lark,

that pierced the fearful
hollow of thine ear.

Nightly she sings on
yon pomegranate tree.

Believe me, love,
it was the nightingale.

'Tis the lark, the herald
of the morn, no nightingale.

Look, love,
what envious streaks do lace

the severing clouds
in yonder east.

Night candles are burnt out,
and jocund day stands tiptoe

on the misty mountain tops.

I must be gone and live,
or stay and die.

Thou light is not daylight,
I know it, I.

It is some meteor

that the sun exhal'd, to
be to thee a torch bearer,

to light thee
on thy way to Mantua.

Therefore stay yet;
thou need'st not be gone.

Let me be ta'en, let
me be put to death;

for I am content,
thou wilt have it so.

I'll say

that yon grey is not
the morning eye.

'Tis but the pale reflex
of Cynthia's brow...


Nor-Nor that is
not the lark,

whose notes do beat the vaulty
heaven so high above our heads.

I have more care to stay
than will to go:

home, death, welcome!

For Juliet wills it so...



No, it's-- kiss me.
It's fine, you can kiss me.

I don't...
We can keep going.


Kurt, I'm so sorry. Kurt.

(clears throat)

(school bell ringing)

SUGAR (off-key):
* I am a shining star *

в™Є I am a shining star,
I am a shining... в™Є

Okay, stop, stop. Stop!

(in tune): * I am a shining
star, I am a shining star *

Do you hear the difference?

Yeah, I sound good.

You know,

why don't you take the day off?

I need to catch up on
My Strange Addiction episodes,

and you kind of have this
irritating nasally quality

that I can only take so much of.

Sorry, Asperger's.


She's hopeless, you know.

Nobody's hopeless.

What happened to you, Quinn?


I know what happened to you.

Same thing happened to me

when I gave up Rachel.

I went with
a Regis Philbin tattoo

and the Sinead O'Connor

Must have looked like crap.

It was a disaster.


But eventually,
I realized

that no matter
how much it hurt me...

(sighs softly)

I did right by my daughter.

That's the real measure
of motherhood:

how much of yourself
will you give up for them?

King Solomon and all that.

Yeah, well, I'm not going back
to being that girl.

Little miss
blonde perfect.


were you ever really that girl?

I mean,
would that kind of girl

even get pregnant
in the first place?

Do you seriously expect me to
think that this is the real you?


Yeah, sure.

Something like this.

You're 18.
You're graduating high school.

This is the time,

this is the time
when you should find yourself.

First step
to becoming an adult:

stop punishing yourself

for things you did
when you were a child.

Can I see her?

I know Puck got to.

Not yet.

How about a photo?


You want to know
who you really are?

Look at that sweet,
special little face.

She looks just like you.

You can be a part of
this family, too, Quinn.

I really want you to be.

It's all up to you.



Lug nut.


You're really good at
that, whatever it is

that you're doing over there.

Thanks for helping me out.
Yeah, well,

I need the distraction. I'm
gonna be in emotional DEFCON 1

until they post the audition
results for the musical,

which means I'm gonna be even
more self-centered than usual,

just so you know.
Why? You know you're gonna
get the lead.

I know I am, but, I mean,

you don't really know
until you know.

You can still try out.

I mean, the field for Tony
is wide open.

Well, I mean, between
football and school,

I don't really have time.

And I got to go to
this Booty Camp thing.

My dancing has got to get better
or it's gonna cost us Nationals.

Plus, Burt pays me good here.

I'm saving up
for college and stuff.

I just... I don't want you
to give up

on what makes you most special.

You know, you're
really talented.

Talented enough to get
into NYADA if you applied.

What if I don't want to?
I mean, and not saying

that I don't,
but if I stay here,

work for Burt, I mean,
would that be so bad?

No, not if it made you happy.

But I don't
think it would.

You're better than that.

You may not know
it, but I do.

You're the best girlfriend ever.

No, you have grease
on your nose.

Oh. Sorry.

What the heck?


Quit making out
in the shop.

What do you want?

Is Finn the only son
that can help out around here?

Uh, no, but you only
volunteer to help

when you want money or you want
to talk about something.

What's going on?

I made a list.

These are the only musicals

that I am a shoo-in to
play the lead role in.

Number one: La Cage aux Folles.

Number two: Falsettos.

Number three: Miss Saigon,
as Miss Saigon.

But that's off the list when
and if I ever start shaving.

Du, you're gay.

Excuse me?
You're gay.

And you're not like Rock Hudson
gay; you're really gay.

You sing
like Diana Ross,

and you dress like you own
a magic chocolate factory.

Okay, why are
you being

so mean to me?
What is wrong

with any of that?
It's who you are.

And I'm not saying that
I'm ashamed of it.

The problem is that if I want
to be an actor,

I have to pass as straight
to get the great romantic roles.

And I want those roles.
Every actor does.

But to not get a shot at it--
I mean, it kills me.

I don't know if you've
noticed, but no one's

really looking for
a Kurt Hummel type

to play opposite Kate
Hudson in a rom com.

Kurt, I say, if they're
not writing movies

and plays for
performers like you,

then you got to start
writing your own.

I mean, you're awesome.

Change the rules.
Write your own history.

I'm just tired
of being a unicorn, Dad.

You know what they call
a unicorn without a horn?

A freaking horse.


That's it.

All right, Finn.

You got this, buddy.
Come on.

Ha ha roo-ha ha.

(piano begins playing)

You okay?
I can't do this.

You can.
I can't.

Hey, who knows more
about dancing-- you or me?


That's right.

Look, I know
you can do this.

And I believe in you.

One more time.

That's right.

Here we go.

(clapping rhythmically)

(piano begins playing)

There you go.


Good job, buddy.

That's great.

Can I help
you, Quinn?

I heard this was for people
who needed a little help

with their dance moves
and want to win Nationals.

That's right.
So, I'm a little rusty.

And, uh... would it be cool
if I joined in?


Welcome back.
Get in here, girl.

You've been missed.

All right.
Oh, I've missed you.

All right, let's line it up.

Enough, enough. All right,
let's get in lines.

Booty Camp, here we go.
Line it up.

Oh, Kurt, um...

I'm proud of you.

I have to get her back.

If that takes dying
my hair blonde

and pretending that
I think I'm special,

that's something
I'm willing to do.

We're going to
get full custody.

(Will clapping rhythmically)


Do you eat a whole chicken
every day?

I eat a whole chicken
at every meal.

Well, hello, She-Hulk,

Weepy the Vestclown.
Good one.

And Little Miss Golden Marmoset.

It's a Brazilian

and seriously, it's
your spitting image.

I'm going to send
you a photo.

Are you still at

Oh hey, Sue,
you hear the good news?

Quinn is back
in Glee Club,

which sort of throws a wrench

in your whole
campaign commercial.

Well, actually,
Butt Chin,

couldn't have written
it any better myself.

In fact, it gives my campaign
a whole new narrative.

Quinn Fabray is an addict,

and she's relapsed

back into her
Glee Club addiction.

You see, the arts

are like crack, William,
but much more addictive

and not nearly
as glamorous.

And my new spot
airs tomorrow.

Sorry, Sue.

Your scare tactics
are not going to work.

Well, they're already
working, William.

You see, I've made hating
the arts into a brand.

People are hurting,
unemployment is up,

the dollar is weak,
and the arts smack

of elitism and

indulgence and
(cell phone buzzing)

When times are tough,
that's something

that Americans
cannot stomach.

Well, I just
got a text

from Becky, replete with
hilarious auto-corrects.

Polling has me
nine points up

on my Republican challenger/
pizza magnate,

Reggie "The Sauce" Salazar.
You know what that means?

It means, today,
I am in first place.

So I'm going to have
a seat over there

at the first
place table.

Hey, you're free
to join me--

if any of you have ever
come in first place.


What are we going to do?
We cannot let her win.

Then we got to
find someone

with credibility to
run against her.

I mean, the anti-Sue.

(school bell ringing)

Brittany, hey, hey.
Look. Huh?

You were absolutely right.

I need to celebrate
who I am.

And I am unicorn.

Oh, I love my happy,
happy unicorn.

(grunts) Thank you.

I'm so proud of you.

So what do you say you come
to my place after school

and, uh, we'll give
each other oatmeal facials

and... and watch
Project Runway

and, you know, talk
campaign strategy

while, uh, sampling
some of my zero-cal

loganberry pumpkin torte.
Huh? Huh?
Thanks, um, but I can't.

Santana and I are working
on campaign posters.

Oh, um, I...
I already have them.

No, for my campaign.

I decided to run, too.
'Cause, you know,

the last six senior
class presidents,

they've all been guys, and
look where that's got us--

you know, teetering on
a double-dip recession.

Besides, I'm
also a unicorn.

Maybe a bi-corn.

Either way, I'm starting
to believe in my own magic.

Good luck, Kurt.

I will see you at
the debate, okay?

(school bell ringing)

Blaine Anderson.

Hi, guys.

Uh, what song will you
be singing today?

Uh, "Something's Coming."

("Something's Coming" begins)

в™Є Could be в™Є

в™Є Who knows? в™Є

в™Є There's something due
any day в™Є

в™Є I will know right away в™Є

в™Є Soon as it shows в™Є

в™Є It may come cannonballing
down through the sky в™Є

в™Є Gleam in its eye,
bright as a rose в™Є

в™Є Who knows? в™Є

в™Є It's only just out of reach в™Є

в™Є Down the block, on a beach в™Є

в™Є Under a tree в™Є

в™Є I got a feeling
there's a miracle due в™Є

в™Є Gonna come true,
coming to me в™Є

в™Є Could it be?
Yes, it could в™Є

в™Є Something's coming,
something good в™Є

в™Є If I can wait в™Є

в™Є Something's coming в™Є

в™Є I don't know what it is в™Є

в™Є But it is gonna be great в™Є

в™Є With a click, with a shock в™Є

в™Є Phone'll jingle,
door'll knock в™Є

в™Є Open the latch в™Є

в™Є Something's coming,
don't know when в™Є

в™Є But it's soon,
catch the moon в™Є

в™Є One-handed catch в™Є

в™Є Around the corner в™Є

в™Є Or whistling down the river в™Є

в™Є Come on в™Є

в™Є Deliver в™Є

в™Є To me в™Є

в™Є Will it be?
Yes, it will в™Є

в™Є Maybe just by holding still в™Є

в™Є It'll be there в™Є

в™Є Come on, something,
co on in в™Є

в™Є Don't be shy, meet a guy в™Є

в™Є Pull up a chair в™Є

в™Є The air is humming в™Є

в™Є And something great
is coming в™Є

в™Є Who knows? в™Є

в™Є It's only just out of reach в™Є

в™Є Down the block, on a beach в™Є

в™Є Maybe tonight в™Є

в™Є Maybe tonight в™Є

в™Є Maybe tonight. в™Є



I so want to give you
a standing ovation right now.

Thank you.

Wait. Wait.

On your audition form,
you said you

were only interested
in the role of Bernardo.

Uh, yeah, or, um, Office Krupke.

Either one's fine.

Would you mind
reading for Tony?