Glee (2009–2015): Season 3, Episode 1 - The Purple Piano Project - full transcript

Its fall and that means back to school for the students and faculty at McKinley High. The New Directions clan returns after a devastating loss at Nationals, so Mr. Schuester assigns a project to get them back on track. Meanwhile, Sue Sylvester starts her congressional campaign.

Shalom, blogosphere.

Jacob Ben Israel here
at McKinley High.

"Sudden Death"
big stakes senior year

who will succeed
and who will fail?

Finn Hudson,
mediocre quarterback,

mediocre Glee Club lead.

What do you want to be
when you grow up?


Yeah, I have plans.

My mom still hasn't decided

if I'm going to Harvard
or Stanford yet.

And where are you applying?

I'm not.
I'm only a junior.

Senior, junior, junior.


I thought
you were a senior.

Optical illusion.

The chair adds a year.

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me, you ♪

♪ Me, me, me, me, me, me... ♪

I'm glad you asked.

This year we'll
both be applying to a New York

based performing arts school


We'll get an eclectic
little apartment

on the Lower East Side.

Think Bette and Barbara
Hershey in Beaches,


I'll originate a role
in a new Sondheim musical;

Tony by 25, Married by 3
♪ Leg-a-lly! ♪

Broadway, Lincoln Center,

West End, a tasteful
HBO miniseries.

It's all right here
in my planner, you see?

Twitter says you're officially
dating Sam Evans,

AKA Trouty Mouth,
AKA Hobo McBieber.

Honey, that is so June.

Yes, Sam and I dated, but
his dad got a job out of state.

But I'm gonna give
you an exclusive.

There's a new man
in Mercedes' life now,

and he's my future plans.

I'm not your only
your future plans, baby.

You're gonna be a star,

and when you graduate
and win that first Grammy,

we're gonna make
beautiful cocoa babies.

Ooh, baby, how you talk.

Senior year is all about
being the Cheerios! top 'ho

and modeling my fierceness

after my numero uno
Latina: Paula Abdul.

Paula Abdul is an Arab.

Hey, has anyone seen
Quinn Fabray?


Ooh, Brittany, what are
your plans for the future?


Are you working
on a time machine, too?

I'm really excited
about this year.

Okay... cool.

The truth is, I have no idea
what I'm doing.

I look around, and everyone
knows where they're headed

or at least what they want.

I'm lost.

It's like I can't even
remember who I am anymore.


Taste the rainbow,

Now I remember.

Rise and shine, sleepyhead.

Guess who woke up
right before I did?

I haven't brushed yet.

Mr. Shue, why are
all of our trophies

in the middle of the room?

I was sure that our Nationals
trophy would grow during the summer.

I want this image burned
into your mind.

This is what the difference

between first

and 12th place looks like.

It's also what it feels like.

Are you planning on bumming
us out all year long?/No.

I'm planning on
pushing you harder

than you've ever been pushed.

We made it to Nationals
last year.

This year, I'm not going to let
anything or anyone

stop us from winning it all,
I let you down last year.

I lost focus, let some Broadway
pipe dream get in the way.

And we're really sorry
that the guy who replaced you

in April Rhodes' musical
won the Tony.

I mean, I can only
imagine your regret.

Yeah, you
know what I regret?

Being the laughing stock
of the show choir world.

That's sayin' something

Mercedes has a point.

Finn and Rachel's
"The Kiss That Missed"

already has 20.000 views on YouTube,

and the comments section
is just full of pithy banter like

"Why is that T Rex
eating the Jew?"

How many times do we have to
apologize?/ Yeah. No more apologize.

The school hates us
even more now.

Which is why we have to work

even harder this year
to recruit new members.

We're three men down.

Yeah, only because Puckerman
couldn't convince Zizes to stay.

What we had was hot, but after
the debacle of Nationals,

the Glee Club is not,

and my cool factor can't with stand it,all right?

My rep is in free fall.

Don't be sad.

We'll always have Subway.

She's the one that got away-

really, really slowly.

Where's Quinn?/ MIA.

No one's heard from her.

It's sad, I miss her.

No one is going to join, Mr. Shue.

They will.

All they need is a little inspiration

and I happen to have some,

courtesy of Al Motta
of Motta's Pianos.

Bring 'em in, guys!

You guys are going
to love this.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Okay, if there are
purple pianos

involved in this,
I am on board.

These pianos were repossessed
from foreclosed homes.

They're cast-offs,
just like all of us.

Used, in need of repairs.

But they're still capable
of making beautiful music.

Right. So Mr. Motta,
as a lover of the arts,

agreed to donate them to Glee.

I fixed them up,

painted them purple,

and The Purple Piano Project
was born.

Now, I'm going to be placing
these grapey uprights randomly

throughout the school,
and whenever you see one,

no matter what you're doing,

I want you to sing a song.

Now, use this assignment
to attract kids

who are just like you-

kids who can't
keep the music inside.

Those are the kinds of additions

that we need
to win it all this year.

Now, for many of you,

this is your last year.

Let's make it special.

We have an important
announcement to make.

I thought this day might come.

Really, this is the only
dating combination

that the Glee Club hasn't tried.

We're not dating.

Kurt and I will be auditioning
for Juilliard,

the nation's premiere
performing arts school.

That's a very good plan, guys.

It's fabulous.

Except Juilliard doesn't have

a musical theatre department.

Wait, what?

Have you guys thought about
somewhere closer to home?

Kent State has a wonderful
musical theatre program./ No

and a macabre backstory,
so if you're having a bad day

or if you don't get the lead
in a musical, you can say

to yourselves, "You know what?
Things really could be worse. "

No... No, thank you.

No one ever became a star
by playing it safe.

We're going to New York./ We are

I think I have
the school for you.


New York Academy
for the Dramatic Arts.

US News and World Report

ranked them the number one
college in the nation

for musical theatre.

It's really competitive,

They only take about
20 students a year,

but they do a regular mixer
for prospective students,

and this year,
the Midwest's top talent

is rubbing elbows at the Dayton
Doubletree on Thursday night.

You could go and check
out the competish!

Yay! Yay, college!

The poll numbers
are in, Coach.

Close the door.

Becky, the special election

to fill Ken "Heart Attack"
Weigand's congressional seat

is in two months, and I am
in ninth place at six percent,

well behind "Undecided,"

that rapist running
from prison,

and "I don't care, please don't
call me during dinner. "

I thought the people wanted a
candidate who was for something.

That's why I took that
pro-deportation stance.

But the people are angry.

They want a candidate

who's against something.

What about toast?

Bread's already been baked.

I don't get why you
need to cook it again.

Oh, Becky, your
twisted genius excites me.

That's it, I'm on the
precipice of doom.

I need to find something
everyone hates.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I just realized that song
might be the national anthem

from whatever country
you're from.

That's really offensive.

You know, I was really humbled
when your Glee Club

made my sister's funeral
so very touching!

In fact, I was so moved that
I have spent the entire year

being nothing but kind
to you people.

Today's only
the second day of school.

You have no right to disturb
the learning environment

of this school by playing
your jangly national anthem

on Liberace's piano.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I have no idea who you are.

I'm Nancy Bletheim.

I teach geometry.

I've been teaching
here for 42 years.

So awkward.

Those artsy kids,

they think they can get away with anything.

People who call
themselves "artists"

think the rules don't
apply to them.

It's so arrogant.

Bless you, Sue Sylvester.

You got my vote.

You're quiet.

No. I'm being

You promised that by
the first day of school,

you'd make a decision.

And yet, there you
sit, cute as ever,

but still in your
Warblers blazer.

I can't just bail
on the Warblers.

Those guys are my friends.

Okay, all right, fine.

One final sales pitch,

and then we can talk about
making over Nancy Grace.


If you stay at Dalton,

you and I are competitors.

That's true.

And I'm just not sure

that our budding love
can survive that.

Let me get this straight.

I have to transfer

because you're
just afraid that

I'm going to beat
you at Sectionals?

No, I'm afraid that I'm going to beat you.

And I know what that
does to you when I win.

Look, I mean,
honestly, I-I just...

I just want to see you more.

Yeah, I want my senior
year to be magic,

and the only way
that's gonna happen

is if I get to spend every
minute of every day with you.

Senior year,
and I've finally found myself.

I'm not sure what
the tipping point was-

dyeing my hair,

the nose ring,

my ironic tattoo
of Ryan Seacrest-

but one thing I know,
I'm never going back.

Quinn, look, this is our
senior year, and, frankly,

being on the Cheerios!
isn't the same without you.

You guys are such suckers for
going back to Coach Sylvester.

Come on, screw her.
This is for us.

We could win two national
championships this year.

We joined the Cheerios!

we joined Glee Club together,

we all slept with Puckerman
the same year.

Mm-hmm. We're like besties for life.

Yeah. Come on, Quinn.

You know, we used to be like
the Three Musketeers,

and now Santana and I
are like Almond Joy,

and you're like a Jolly Rancher
that fell in the ashtray.

You guys never understood
the pressure I was under.

It sucked.

I'm not interested
in the boys

or the makeup
or the polyester outfits.

Look, I've got a bar of soap
and a bottle of peroxide

with your name on it
in my locker.

Come on, Quinn, you can't
break up the unholy trinity.

People grow apart.

Deal with it.

I've got new friends now, and
they accept me for who I am.

We call ourselves "The Skanks. "

I'm Sheila.

I'm Ronnie.

They call me "The Mack"

because I like to make out
with truckers at the rest stop.

It's kind of
a double meaning thing.

I once ate cat poo.

Hey, Quinn.

Hello... Skanks.

Your friend stinks
of soap, Quinn.

We were friends once.

Okay? And maybe when you cut off all your hair
last year and thought it

would solve all your problems,
I should have spoken up.

Maybe when you dropped out

of society this summer
and started dating

that 40-year-old skateboarder,
I should have said...

I'm not coming back
to Glee Club.

We need you. Okay?

Have you seen those-those
purple pianos around school?

We're planning this... this big,
you know, recruiting number,

and it's going to be a tribute
to the Go-Go's.

I mean, who doesn't
love the Go-Go's?

I prefer the Bangles.


We need your...

your tremulous alto and your
Belinda Carlisle glamour.

I'll give you ten bucks if you
let me beat her for you, Quinn.

I'm sorry you're so sad, Quinn.

And... maybe you're not
going to believe me

because we were
never really close,

but I'm sad not seeing
you in the choir room.

And we've all been
through so much together.

We're a family, and this is
our year to get it right.

We would love to have you
back in the Glee Club

whenever you're ready.


...making it the zoo's
bloodiest weekend

in over six years.

That's what I call
"panda-monium. "

Now let's hitch a ride
over to Sue's Corner

with congressional candidate
Sue Sylvester./ Take it away, Sue.

Western Ohio, ever since
the start of my campaign

to replace Ken "My Heart Stopped
Beating and I Died" Weigand,

I've been trying to be positive.

Well, you know what, Fourth
Congressional District?

Unless it's a day she's
being screened for hepatitis,

this gal's not positive.

And you know what's
getting me down, Western Ohio?

The arts in public schools.

Why? Because America is failing.

China is on our ass, people.

This isn't the 1960s anymore,
when jobs were plentiful.

And it's not personal,
Will Schuester.

The arts are expensive,
and we can't afford it anymore.

That's why, tonight,

I'm making a pledge,
Fourth Congressional District.

If you honor me by electing me
your representative,

I will suspend all public school
arts programs,

and reject all federal and state,/
you've got to be kidding me.

funding for the arts

until every single student
reads at or above grade level.

Until then, parents,

if you'd like your teenager

to join the Glee Club
or play a doorman

in a boring four-hour play
about what it's like

to be a middle-aged
gay New Yorker,

feel free to pay for it

But until Ohio's kids

can compete again, it won't be
on the taxpayer dime.

And that's how Sue... sees it.

She can't do this!

William, it's important you
don't take this so personally.

First of all, Sue,
you ruined a piece

of private property./ Allegedly.

Also, you got
your facts all wrong.

The arts help kids
do better in school.

Kids in the arts
record the lowest instance

of substance abuse.

Tell that to Janis Joplin.

So you see, Sue,
I do take this personally.

You're not just threatening
an arts program.

You're threatening
my livelihood.

I need job security.

I'm in a relationship now.

I- I'm... I'm thinking
about starting a family.

Oh, how is it going with Emma?

I'm sure everything in the bedroom

is just completely normal.


No. It's so frustrating.

I get the green light,
and then the...

the red light comes just
as quickly./ William.

allow me to ladle you

a piping hot bowl
of "this is how it is. "

I'm done squabbling
with you, okay?

I'm on the
national stage

in the white-hot stare
of the public eye.

You know, ever since
my "Sue's Corner" last night,

I've made tremendous gains
in the polls,

and I'm neck and neck

with that rapist
running from prison.

So I got bigger
fish to fry

than you and your
little Glee Club.

So truce for now,
macaroni hair.

Oh, and William,

just know,
if you do anything to derail

my bullet train to power,
I'll destroy you.

Ladies, I put plastic
on your chairs

in anticipation
of this announcement,

so feel free to wet yourselves
with excitement.

You are my Cheerio co-captains.

What?!/ Wait. Co-captains?

With... No. No way.

I can't work with her!

Nah, nah, nah, see,
let me tell you how this

gon' be, if I may.

When I look
at a person,

I don't see someone
who looks a certain way

or has this or that amount
of chromosomes.

I just see someone who I may or may not
have to destroy.

So if you ever tell me

what to do, I will end you.

Bring it, sandbags!

Ladies, I am aroused.

However, we have
a more pressing issue at hand.

There are purple pianos
polluting this school,

and I will seem weak

if it appears I cannot control
my own workspace.

I want you to track down those
pianos, take care of them.

Make it look like an accident.

Santana, you like
playing both sides.

Isn't that right?

What team you playing
for this year?

Losers or the winners?

Team Sue.

Glad to hear it.

Why are you guys ignoring
Mr. Schuester's assignment?

Wait, is there a purple piano
in here?

Wow. How did any
of us miss that?

We have to do the number.


We have to survive lunch.

It's not fair that Mr. Shue
put the piano in here.

It's too much pressure.

I agree. That is like wearing
a red dress to a bullfight.

The point of the assignment
was to find people

who couldn't help
but join, okay?

The more people
that we sing in front of,

the more chances we have
of getting one. Okay?

It's simple mathematics.

Which I stopped attending
years ago.

No, no, hold on. Rachel's right.

How's anyone supposed to believe
we can go to Nationals

if we don't even believe in ourselves?

Thank you.

♪ See the people
walking down the street ♪

♪ Fall in line just watching
all their feet ♪

♪ They don't know
where they wanna go ♪

♪ They're walking in time ♪

♪ And they got the beat,
they got the beat ♪

♪ They got the beat ♪

♪ Yeah, they got the beat ♪

♪ All the kids just
getting out of school ♪

♪ They can't wait
to hang out and be cool ♪

♪ Hang around till
quarter after 12:00 ♪

♪ That's when we fall in line ♪

♪ They got the beat,
they got the beat ♪

♪ Kids got the beat ♪

♪ Yeah, kids got the beat ♪

♪ Go-go music
really makes us dance ♪

♪ Do the pony,
puts us in a trance ♪

♪ Do Watusi,
just give us a chance ♪

♪ That's when we fall in line ♪

♪ 'Cause we got the beat,
we got the beat ♪

♪ We got the beat ♪

♪ Yeah, we got it ♪

♪ We got the beat ♪

♪ We got the beat ♪

♪ We got the beat ♪

♪ Everybody, get on your feet ♪

♪ We got the beat ♪

♪ We know you can dance
to the beat ♪

♪ We got the beat ♪
♪ Jump and ♪

♪ Get down ♪
♪ We got the beat ♪

♪ Round and round and round ♪
♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ We got the beat ♪
♪ We got the beat ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪
♪ We got the beat ♪

♪ We got the beat ♪
♪ We got the beat ♪

♪ We got the beat ♪

♪ We got the beat. ♪

God, no.

Food fight!

I thought
slushies were bad,

but spaghetti sauce in the eye
is so much worse.

I have pepperoni in my bra./
Those are your nipples.

Mr. Shue, if you are trying
to break us down

to rebuild us,
it's working.

Not one single person was inspired

by our hot lunch jam
to try out, Mr. Shue.

It's true.

You guys sucked ass.

I'm sorry. And you are?

I'm Sugar Motta.

And I have self-diagnosed

so I can pretty much
say whatever I want.

I'm like a diplomat's daughter.

How can we
help you, Sugar?

Here's the deal.

I'm awesome, and I want
to be a big, big star.

And when I saw you guys
singing and dancing

in the cafeteria,
I thought,

"I am so much
better than you. "

Sorry. Asperger's.

Well, great.

You see, guys?

You have inspired
an audition.

Good job.

Sugar, why don't you
show us what you can do?

You know, take your time.
Whenever you're ready.

Sugar Motta.

Why does that name
sound familiar?

Oh, her daddy's the rich dude

that donated the purple pianos.

Get ready to taste
some sweet ear candy?

Hit it, hottie.

♪ The minute you walked
in the joint ♪

♪ I could see you were
a man of distinction ♪

♪ A real big spender ♪

♪ Good-looking, so refined ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to know
what's going on in my mind? ♪

Her ears should get to park
in my handicapped spot.

♪ Hey, big spender ♪

♪ Spend... oh ♪

♪ A little time ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

Holy sh... Sugar.

Text me re:
our rehearsal "skedge. "

Of course.

Mr. Shue, stop speaking.

Okay. Sugar.

we'll be in touch.

Thank you. Bye.

Okay, I think I speak
for everyone when I say-

never gonna happen.

Guys, I know she was a little rough,

but we have always had the policy

that anyone who tries out gets in.

You're not doing her any good

sheltering Sugar from the truth,

The high school is where you learn
survival of the fittest.

She's going to drag
the New Directions! down,

and that's not fair for those of us

who don't want to spend our lives

rotting in this insignificant town.

You said the other day

that you would do anything
to get us to Nationals.

Okay, and she
is going to keep us

from winning that elusive crown.

If anything, she's going to kill
all of our chances.

I just can't look a kid
in the eye and say,

"You're not good enough
to be in Glee Club. "

Was she that bad?

Sugar Motta was just awful.

I mean, I have
never seen someone

with so little musical talent.

But that shouldn't have
anything to do with being

a part of a club.

So make her water boy or
mascot or something.

That's what I do with
my hardest luck cases.

You know how many guys
I cut last week? 60.

And all of them with big dreams.

And I crushed 'em

like pigs in a blanket.

How? I mean, doesn't that
just eat you up?

Of course.

But it's my job to put
the guys I take

in the best position to win.

It's the same as you.

The arts are different
than football.

You win Nationals this year,

you're buying that Glee Club
ten more years.

Curve ball-

so you just passed "undecided"

and "anyone white" in the polls.

It looks like our anti-arts
platform is actually working.

Maybe I should rough
her up a little bit.

Go all Deliverance on
her or something, huh?


This is my fight.

It's my program
she wants to cut,

and my kids.

What are you going to do?

Something I should have
done a long time ago.

Sue wants to declare war
on the arts?

Well, General Schuester is about
to launch a counter offensive.

So this is what being
turned on feels like.

It all seems so hopelessly
provincial now.

I mean, once you've
performed on the stage

of the Gershwin Theatre and felt
the lights of Broadway

on your face for the first time.

Nothing else compares.

What's the purple piano
doing here?

Well, I commandeered it

to help us get ready
for our NYADA mixer.

Whatever rejects show up
at that place,

are gonna be expecting

Pepperidge Farm cookies
and punch,

not Velma and Roxie.

We need to intimidate
those wannabes

into never wanting to
audition against us./ Genius!

Wicked again?/ No.

Before there was Wicked,
there was...

Don't even
finish that sentence.

Hit it!

♪ Once there was a wicked witch
in the lovely land of Oz ♪

♪ And a wickeder, wickeder,
wickeder witch ♪

♪ There never, ever was ♪

♪ She filled the folks in
Munchkinland ♪

♪ With terror and with dread ♪

♪ Till one fine day
from Kansas ♪

♪ A house fell on her head ♪

♪ And the coroner
pronounced her... ♪

♪ Dead ♪

♪ And through the town ♪

♪ The joyous news went runnin' ♪

♪ The joyous news ♪

♪ That the wicked old witch was
finally done in ♪

♪ Ding-dong,
the Witch is dead ♪

♪ Which old Witch? ♪

♪ Well, uh,
the Wicked Witch! ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Ding-dong,
the Wicked Witch is dead ♪

♪ Oh, yeah, happy day ♪

♪ Wake up,
you sleepy head ♪

♪ Rub your eyes ♪

♪ And get out of that bed ♪

♪ Wake up, the Wicked
Witch is dead ♪

♪ She's gone
where the goblins go ♪

♪ Below, below, below ♪

♪ Yo-ho,
let's open up and sing ♪

♪ And ring those bells out ♪

♪ Sing the news out ♪

♪ Ding-dong, the merry-oh ♪

♪ Sing it high, sing it low ♪

♪ Let them know the
Wicked ol' Witch is dead! ♪

♪ Why, everyone's glad
she took such a crownin' ♪

♪ Gettin' hit by a house is
even worse than drownin' ♪

♪ Let 'em know the wicked
ol' Witch is dead! ♪

Those kids are never even
gonna know what hit them.

Ladies, the key to successful Cheerios tryouts
is in brutal honesty.

Actually, maybe just brutality,

as I have no intention
of bringing anyone new in.

I just basically want
to see people cry.

Hit it!


What is wrong with you?


Well, well, well,
Wavy Gravy, Dr. Zaius.

To what do I owe this pleasure?

Candidate Sylvester,

I think you could use a little showbiz sparkle

Every tiny grain of this glitter
represents a kid

whose dream won't come
true if you get elected

and end school
arts programs.

John F. Kennedy once said,

"The arts are the roots
of our culture. "

The arts enrich our lives
and help kids achieve

in all walks of life.

Sue Sylvester... just got glitter-bombed.

You get that?/ ehm

Okay, come on.
Come on.

Becky, I need the two of you
to escort me

to my hyperbaric chamber,
as I have glitter in my eyes.

Hey, you.

Well, aren't you
a sight for these sore eyes.

Bad day?

Bad week, more like it.

Hey, what are you
doing here?

Shouldn't you be
at Warbler practice?

You know, putting
fine tuning touches

on our new Katy Perry

Okay, for someone who
loves clothes so much,

I can't believe you
haven't noticed that

I'm not in my Warbler outfit.

Wait, wait...

Wait-wait- you didn't
do this for me, did you?

Because if you did this for me,

I mean, it would be
very romantic for one,

but it could lead to resentment,
which could lead to anger,

which could lead to a horrible,
horrible, nasty breakup

like, you know,
on The Bachelorette,

when we watched that...

Hey, I came here for me.

Because I can't stand to be
apart from the person I love.

Well, I guess we'll
just have to find a way

to ease you into the
New Directions! now, huh?

I've already have that figured out.

♪ It's not unusual
to be loved by anyone ♪

♪ It's not unusual to have
fun with anyone ♪

♪ But when I see you
hanging about with anyone ♪

♪ It's not unusual
to see me cry ♪

♪ I wanna die ♪

♪ It's not unusual
to go out at any time ♪

♪ But when I see you out and
about it's such a crime ♪

♪ If you should ever want
to be loved by anyone ♪

♪ It's not unusual ♪

♪ It happens every day ♪

♪ No matter what you say ♪

♪ You find it happens
all the time ♪

♪ Love will never do ♪

♪ What you want it to ♪

♪ Why can't this
crazy love be mine? ♪

♪ It's not unusual
to be mad with anyone ♪

♪ It's not unusual
to be sad with anyone ♪

♪ But if I ever find that you've
changed at any time ♪

♪ It's not unusual to find out
I'm in love with you ♪

♪ Whoa-whoa-whoa,
oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-whoa, whoa-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-whoa, oh-oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Whoa-whoa. ♪

Okay, so you're gonna
set up the props,

I'll plug in the boombox,

and we'll launch
immediately into the number.

Our somewhat-talented

but sadly delusional
competition will just rip up

their applications in
fits of jealous rage.

And then they'll all
just melt away

like the Wicked Witch
of the West herself!

You know what?

I kinda feel sorry for them./ Me, too.

Hi, I'm Harmony.

What's your name?
where are you from?

and what are your credits?

Well, I'm, I'm Rachel./
I'm Pendelton!/ I'm Canada!

I'm Gavroche, named after

ze feisty French street urchin
from Les Mis!

I know you totally recognize me.

It's 'cause I'm
the Gerber baby.

I've been acting since I was
a fetus... literally.

An ultrasound of me was
featured on Murder She Wrote.

I'm starring as Rizzo in
an all-male production

of Grease.
Welcome, welcome, welcome!

As my future husband Robert
Pattinson always says,

"It's refreshing
to get new blood. "

Oh! New blood?

We've been meeting here
each month

since we were freshmen,

Well, actually Kurt and I just
found out about this on Monday.

But speaking of "refreshing,"
we've put together a number

that we think you guys./ Places!

You're just in time
to see a little number

we've been futzing around with.

Thank God there was a bar
mitzvah here on Saturday.

And I convinced them
not to strike the stage.

So sit back, relax,
and most importantly, enjoy.

Thank you.

Oh, my God...

Just, just breathe
and smile, okay?

Just 'cause they look
like us and act like us

doesn't mean
they're better than us.

♪ Times have changed! ♪

♪ And we've often rewound
the clock ♪

♪ Since the Puritans got
a shock ♪

♪ When they landed on
Plymouth Rock! ♪

♪ If today ♪

♪ Any shock
they should try to stem ♪

♪ 'Stead of landing on
Plymouth Rock ♪

♪ Plymouth Rock would
land on them! ♪

♪ In olden days ♪

♪ A glimpse of stocking ♪

♪ Was looked on
as something shocking ♪

♪ But now God knows ♪

♪ Anything goes! ♪

♪ Good authors, too,
who once knew better words ♪

♪ Now only use four-letter words
writing prose ♪

♪ Anything goes ♪

♪ Anything you can be,
I can be greater ♪

♪ Sooner or later,
I'm greater than you ♪

♪ No, you're not! ♪
♪ Yes, I am ♪

♪ No, you're not! ♪
♪ Yes, I am, yes, I am! ♪

♪ The world has gone mad today
and good's bad today ♪

♪ Black's white today
and day's night today ♪

♪ When most guys today
that women prize today ♪

♪ Are just silly gigolos! ♪

♪ Any note you can hold,
I can hold longer ♪

♪ I can hold any note
longer than you ♪

♪ No, you can't, no, you can't ♪
♪ Yes, I can, yes, I can ♪

♪ No, you can't ♪
♪ Yes, I can ♪

♪ No, you can't, no, no... ♪
♪ Yes, I... ♪

♪ Anything goes ♪

♪ Yes... I... ♪
♪ No... you... ♪

♪ Can... ♪
♪ Can't... ♪

♪ Anything goes. ♪

I've never, I've never been
so humiliated in my life.

Me, either.

And that's a really high bar.

I mean, they were so...


Rachel, we might be
hot stuff at McKinley,

but outside those walls,
we aren't even stuff.

I mean, we've been
deluded and arrogant.

What if we're not
good enough to make it?


There's only one thing to do.

We just have to move
to another town

and just erase our identities

Don't say that.

Nun-Sense, Love Letters,
The Vagina Monologues.

Face it, I mean,
this is our future.

Not everyone's
dreams come true.

You know what?

I'm ending this
pity party right now.


Take a look at yourself.

What do you see?

Come on.

Sad, puffy, red eyes

filled with dashed hopes and dreams.

Rachel Berry.

One of a kind.

There's no one like you.

Well, that's actually kind of funny,

because it seems like there is.

Okay, fine, so you've never been
in a high school production.

Or any production, because,
you know, Cabaret was canceled

and so was Rocky Horror.

They had credits, Kurt.

In utero credits.

Okay, so they have
more experience.

They have more talent.

But you are fierce, Rachel.

Your ambition does push-ups
while you sleep.

Nobody wants it more than you.


And you're not giving up on this.

'Cause I'm not gonna let you.

You are getting into that school.

You make me want to
be your boyfriend.

You're getting in, too.

I know it.

I doubt it.

I'm woefully thin
on extracurriculars.

It's not too late.

I mean, you could, you know,
still sign up for some clubs.

There's the student council.

I'm not the only fierce one.

Swear it.

We're gonna do this.

You realize we just did
the gay high-five.

Yeah, we did.

Rise and shine, sleepyhead.

Come on.

I don't want to go
to school today.

I know.

It's the right thing to do for
the club, the greater good.

I just can't kill
a kid's dream.

I can't do it.

Will, you glitter-bombed Sue.

This week, you stopped
being a man of words,

and you became
a man of action.

And it was super-hot.

Obviously your ears
are busted because

I worked that song
like a hooker pole.

It's no biggie.

I'll come in and
I'll do it again.

Sugar, I'm sorry...
you can't sing.

The answer is no.

But I love your enthusiasm,

and I'd be so happy
to work with you so that...

You know what?
Who cares what you think?

Hmm? Nobody.

You're a washed-up
Broadway wannabe

who's stuck in Lima

and has led the Glee Club
to how many National wins?

Oh, I'm sorry, zero.

Not Asperger's!

Nicely played, William.

You know, I have to say,
I'm really enjoying

this new stink of man marbles
wafting off of you this year.

I did not enjoy doing that, Sue.

Oh, I'm not talking about that.

I'm talking about your little
pixie dust hate crime.

You know, it took Becky
three hours to pick the glitter

from my scalp
like a little chimp.


I hope it taught you a lesson.

It did, Will.

It taught me that
everyone loves a martyr.

The day after your little video
went up on YouTube,

I went up seven points
in the polls.

Turns out, your hate is a lot
like high-octane Sue-fluid.

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear it for Glee Club's newest member,
Blaine Anderson.

Thanks so much, everyone.

I'm so thrilled to be here.

It's gonna be a great year,
I can feel it.

We're all gonna go
to Nationals.


Is there a problem, guys?

I just want Blaine to know
that we're not the Warblers.

You know, we're not into
the bells and whistles

or the ball hogging, you know?

I'm sorry, did I do
something wrong?

Well, yeah, you set a bonfire
in our courtyard.

Actually, Doorknob, that was
an act of political protest.

Which leads me
to the next order of business.

Santana, you need to leave.

It was you and the Cheerios!
who set fire to our piano.

How could you do that?

Mr. Shue, Sue made me.

Brittany didn't do it.

Well, yeah, I was gonna help,

but I don't know,
I'm a water sign, so...

You're banned from Glee.

Don't come back unless you can
be as loyal to this club

as the rest of the people
in this room.

You know what?

I could use a break.

You know, good for you,
Mr. Shue.

It's about time we got
some allegiance up in here.

I said it before
and I will say it again-

we want to win Nationals
this year, we need to be united.

Rachel, you had an announcement?

Yeah, after pushing the envelope
last year, I strongly believe

that we should secure the rights to it
shall we say,

less controversial show
for our school musical.

Wait for it.

West Side Story.

Is that the one with the cats?

And it just so happens to have
a lead role that showcases

my talent and essence perfectly:

For which there will be
open auditions, right?

Because Mercedes is feeling
extremely pretty this year.

Kurt, you had
something, too, right?

Kurt Hummel is wading into

McKinley High's shark-
infested political waters

and ruing for senior
class president.

All right, I thank you in
advance for your votes.


So much excitement.
Now let's rehearse.

Look at what they
did to us, Mr. Shue.

Just like these purple pianos,
they ripped out our guts,

threw crap all over
us and burned us up.

We got hit pretty hard.


...these pianos
are still making music.

And so are we.

Mr. Shue, as always, you and I
are on the exact same page.

♪ You can't stop an avalanche ♪

♪ As it races down the hill ♪

♪ You can try
to stop the seasons ♪

♪ But you know you never will ♪

♪ And you can try
to stop my dancing feet ♪

♪ But I just cannot
stand still ♪

♪ 'Cause the world keeps
spinning round and round ♪

♪ And my heart's keeping time
to the speed of sound ♪

♪ I was lost
till I heard the drums ♪

♪ Then I found my way ♪

♪ 'Cause you can't
stop the beat ♪

Five, six, seven, eight!

♪ Ever since
this old world began ♪

♪ A woman found out if she shook
it, she could shake up a man ♪

♪ And so I'm gonna
shake and shimmy it ♪

♪ The best that I can today ♪

♪ 'Cause you can't stop ♪

♪ The motion of the ocean
or the sun in the sky ♪

♪ You can wonder if you wanna,
but I never ask why ♪

♪ If you try to hold me down ♪

♪ I'm gonna spit
in your eye and say ♪

♪ That you can't stop the beat ♪

♪ You can't stop today ♪
♪ No ♪

♪ As it comes
speeding down the track ♪

♪ Ooh, child, yeah ♪

♪ Child, yesterday is history ♪
♪ Be gone ♪

♪ And it's never coming back ♪

♪ 'Cause tomorrow is
a brand-new day ♪

♪ And it don't know white
from black ♪
♪ Yeah ♪

♪ 'Cause the world keeps
spinning round and round ♪

♪ And my heart's keeping time
to the speed of sound ♪

♪ I was lost till I heard
the drums, then I found my way ♪

♪ 'Cause you can't
stop the beat ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Ever since we first
saw the sun ♪

♪ A man and woman like to shake
it when the day is done ♪

♪ So I'm gonna
shake and shimmy it ♪

♪ And have some fun today ♪

♪ 'Cause you can't stop ♪

♪ The motion of the ocean
or the rain from above ♪

♪ You can try to stop
the paradise we're dreaming of ♪

♪ But you cannot stop the rhythm
of two hearts in love to stay ♪

♪ You can't stop the beat ♪

♪ You can't
stop the beat ♪

♪ You can't stop the beat ♪

♪ You can't
stop the beat ♪

♪ You can't stop the beat ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah! ♪