Glee (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 6 - Never Been Kissed - full transcript

After Finn and Sam find an unconventional way of controlling their urges, a few glee club members pick up on the strategy and start using it too. But when Coach Beiste gets wind of what they are up to, the glee club has some explaining to do.

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So here's what you missed on
Glee. Puck tried to steal an ATM

and got himself stuck in juvie. As
far as badasses go, I'm number one.

Sam and Quinn are sort of a couple,

and so are Mike and Tina.

Artie and Brittany went out,

but then he sort of dumped her,

and now he sort of wants her back.

Kurt's pretty lonely

all by himself, and so is Coach Beiste.

Sue keeps trying to get her to quit.

Are those dog poop cookies?

And that's what you missed on Glee.


Ooh. Dude.

How do you stand that cold tub?

I'm used to cold showers dating Quinn.


How about a little something-something?

A little something-something

always leads to something more.

I've been there, remember?

When we're prom king
and queen, it will feel

just as good as a little

Been there, dude.

Actually, still there now, but

how did we find the only two girls

in high school that won't put out?

What do you do, though?

Well, easy.

I just think about the
opposite of what I'm doing.

(grunts) (screaming) Oh, my God!

I've never actually almost
killed a civil servant before.

Well, you have to find something
to be your own buzz kill.

You know, something
that is total not hot.

BEISTE: I don't care!

If you're on this football team,

you'll wear a cup, no exceptions!

Hey, have you ever noticed

that when the Beiste gets all fired up,

her underpants go right up her butt? your groin with that helmet?

You think The Nutcracker's
just a musical?

Looks like I've found
my mailman. Yes, you did.

I take it we have a
lot of sweater trains

to look forward to this season.

Are you okay?

Yeah. Fine.

(school bell ringing)

All right, guys, let's
get down to business.

First, let's welcome
back Noah Puckerman.


Puck, I hope your time in juvie

has taught you a lesson or
two about right and wrong.

Are you kidding me? ? ruled that place.

All I did was crack skulls
and lift weights all day.

QUINN: Wow, what a catch.

Can't believe I ever let you go.

And now, drum roll, Finn.

Because I have in my hand

our competition for
Sectionals next month.

(applause and cheering)

First, the a capella choir

from the all-boys' private
school in Westerville,

the Dalton Academy Warblers.


Okay, hold up.

Like, a million awesome gay
jokes just popped into my head.

And the other
team to beat...

The Hipsters,

a first-year club

from the Warren Township
Continuing Education Program.

Now, they are a glee club

composed entirely of elderly people

getting their high school
GEDs. Is that legal?

How are we supposed to compete against

a bunch of adorable old people?

Are you kidding? Brittle bones.

Give one of those old ladies
a good-luck pat on the rear,

it'll shatter her pelvis.

WILL: Moving on. Since it seemed

to get you guys jazzed
about Sectionals last year,

I want to make this week

our second annual Boys
Versus Girls tournament.

(cheering and whooping) Yes!

So, split up into two groups,

and figure out what songs
you're going to sing.

Great. Okay, I have
mash-up ideas in my head.

Kurt, gonna say it
again... boys' team.

MERCEDES: Okay, how about y'all?...

SAM: I say we do a whole AC/DC.

Like, the lead guitarist,

like, drops his pants at every concert.

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Pants here...

(school bell ringing)

I know it's not my place to ask,

but can you push me
down the back staircase?

My injuries should be the same,
but it's more lightly populated,

so the humiliation won't be as bad.

Relax. I'm here to take care of you.

You're my boy now. I don't understand.

I got out of juvie early

because I agreed to
do community service,

but I ain't pickin' up
trash along the freeway.

That's ghetto.

So I told my probie officer that I knew

a cripple that needed
some help. She went for it.

I'm your community service?

There's no way I'm going back to juvie.

There's no chicks and no kosher
meal options up in that place.

Cool. So we're, like, friends.

Oh, slow down, Professor X.

I never said anything about liking you.

Now shut up right quick.

We're going to steal some food

from the cafeteria.

This chair's a great
place for hiding stuff.

What is your problem?!

You talking back to me?

You want a piece of The Fury?

The Fury? That's what I named my fist.

Well, with that level of
creativity, you could easily

become assistant manager
at a rendering plant.

I don't know what that is,
but if I find out it's bad,

The Fury's going to find you.


(school bell ringing)

Is there anything that I could do?

(sighing): No.

This is my hill to climb alone.

Can I be honest?

I think it's getting to you.

Usually this stuff rolls
right off your back,

but lately, you've been belligerent,

angry, pushing people away.

Can I be honest with you?

You, like everyone else at this school,

are too quick to let homophobia slide.

And your lesson plans
are boring and repetitive.

Boys Versus Girls?

That doesn't challenge any of us.

You mean, because I didn't let you

join the girls like you wanted?

To answer your question,
yes, I'm unhappy.

And yes, being the only

out gay kid at this school gets me down,

but most of all,

I'm not challenged in the least here.

(school bell ringing)

WILL: Look, I'm not tossing the
baby out with the bathwater here.

I've totally done that.

We're just making an adjustment.

Boys, you are now doing songs

traditionally sung by girl groups.

And girls, try
some classic rock--

uh, the Who, the Stones.

The more opposite your choice,
the more points you get.

Don't worry, gentlemen.

I have this one under control.

Now, obviously, for this medley to work,

I'm going to have to sing lead,

and, of course, when
you're singing Diana Ross,

Bob Mackie-esque maribou
feather boas are a must.

Isn't this lesson about opposites?

I mean, you in a sequined
gown and a feather boa

is exactly what you'd expect.

Okay, who said anything about a gown?

Uh, dude, why don't you
make yourself useful,

and go put some rat poison
in the old folks' Jell-O,

or visit the garglers? The Warblers.

Whatever. See what they're up to.

And you can wear all
the feathers you want.

You'll blend right in.

(sighs) Fine.

(whispering): Is this
hot enough for you?

(puckers lips)

(softly): Say my name, Sam.

I said, say my name.

(door slamming)

I said, say my name.



Are you okay?


I could do this for hours.

I know what I heard.

There we were, making out,
and he said it: "Beiste."

I think he was picturing
making out with her.

That is the most horrific
image I can imagine.

Coach, I need help.

I've done everything I can

to rehabilitate my image.

I'm getting straight A's,

dating the cutest guy at school.

Who would rather be
dry-humping She-Hulk.

Oh, dear God, why did I say that?

Now that's what I'm picturing.

Do you know what kind
of disgusting images

I'm going to have to look at

to get this out of my head?

I'm gonna have to go straight
to the wound care center.

I'm gonna have to stare at some wounds.

Coach, I really don't know what to do.


This may be the opportunity
I've been waiting for.

A way to get Beiste out of this school

and your Macaulay Culkin

stunt double back in your arms.

What do I have to do?

We need to go public with your pain.

Get people talking about this,

make Beiste into the
next Mary Kay Letourneau.

And you need to give
him a piece of your mind.

Loud and in public.

Show him who's the boss.

Oh, man.

Now I'm picturing the two of them

making out during an
episode of Who's the Boss?

(school bell ringing)

Shouldn't you be studying geometry?

Aren't you failing?

One thing I learned in juvie?

Cash is king.

Lets people know we're
not doing it for free.

Wait, you think people are
going to pay us to sing?

I don't think busking
is allowed in school.

Watch and learn, young
Jedi in a wheelchair.

(Bob Marley's "One Love" begins)

This is so, so badass.

I've never broken the rules like this.

♪ One love ♪

♪ One heart ♪

♪ Let's get together
and feel all right ♪

♪ Hear the children crying ♪

♪ One love ♪

♪ Hear the children crying ♪

♪ One heart ♪

BOTH: ♪ Sayin' give
thanks and praise ♪

♪ To the Lord and I
will feel all right ♪

♪ Sayin' ♪

BOTH: ♪ Let's get together
and feel all right ♪

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

ARTIE: ♪ Let them all pass
all their dirty remarks ♪

♪ There is one question
I'd really love to ask ♪

♪ One heart ♪

♪ Is there a place for
the hopeless sinner ♪

♪ Who has hurt all mankind
just to save his own? ♪

ARTIE: ♪ Believe me ♪

♪ One love ♪

♪ What about the one heart? ♪

♪ One heart ♪ ♪
What about love? ♪

♪ Let's get together
and feel all right ♪

♪ As it was in the beginning ♪

♪ One love ♪

♪ So shall it be in the end ♪

♪ One heart ♪ ♪ All right ♪

♪ Give thanks and praise
to the Lord ♪ ♪ Oh ♪

BOTH: ♪ And I will feel all right ♪

ARTIE: ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Let's get together
and feel all right. ♪


Holy crap, there's,
like, 300 bucks in here.

Yeah, you really can't
put a dollar amount

on the value of talent plus fear.

I can. It's about 300 bucks.

What are we going to do with it?

Buy a butt load of clove
cigarettes, then I don't know.

You want her?

You don't need any cash
for that. She's free.

She was my first.

Now I-I think I want her back.

So go get her.

It's not that simple.

I was kind of mean to
her when I blew her off.

This is perfect. The thing
about chicks is you only have

to be a fraction as nice to
them as you are mean to them

to get them to like you again.

So what do we do?

Here's a little community
service coming at you.

You and I are gonna take this dough

and go on a double date

with Santana and Brittany to the Styx.


Best community servicer ever, right?

(excited shouts, whooping)

Excuse me.

Um, hi. Can I

ask you a question? I'm new here.

My name's Blaine.


So, what exactly is going on?

The Warblers. Every now and then

they throw an impromptu performance

in the senior commons.

It tends to shut the
school down for a while.

So, wait, the glee club
here is kind of cool?

The Warblers are like rock stars.

Come on. I know a shortcut.

♪ ♪

(excited chatter, whooping)

Oh, I stick out like a sore thumb.

Well, next time don't
forget your jacket, new kid.

You'll fit right in.

(boys singing rhythm)
Now, if you'll excuse me.

♪ Before you met me ♪

♪ I was all right ♪

♪ But things were kind of heavy ♪

♪ You brought me to life ♪

♪ Now every February ♪

♪ You'll be my Valentine ♪

♪ Valentine ♪

♪ Let's go all ♪

♪ The way tonight ♪

♪ No regrets ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Just love ♪

♪ We can dance ♪

♪ Until we die, you and I ♪

♪ Will be young forever ♪

♪ You make me ♪

♪ Feel like I'm living a ♪

♪ Teenage dream ♪

♪ The way you turn me on ♪

♪ I can't sleep ♪

♪ Let's run away ♪

♪ And don't ever look back ♪

♪ Don't every look ♪

♪ Let's go ♪

♪ All the way ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ No regrets ♪

♪ Just love ♪

♪ We can dance ♪

♪ Until we die ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Will be young forever ♪

♪ You make me ♪

♪ Feel like I'm living a ♪

♪ Teenage dream, the
way you turn me on ♪

♪ I can't sleep, let's run away ♪

♪ And don't ever look back ♪

♪ Don't ever look, I'm gonna get ♪

♪ Your heart racing in
my skin-tight jeans ♪

♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪

♪ Ooh, ah... ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Ah, ah ♪

♪ Yeah...! ♪

♪ You make me ♪

♪ Feel like I'm living a ♪

♪ Teenage dream ♪

♪ The way you turn me on ♪

♪ I can't sleep ♪

♪ Let's run away and don't ♪

♪ Ever look back ♪

♪ Don't ever look back ♪

♪ My heart ♪

♪ Stops when you look at me ♪

♪ Just one touch, now, baby ♪

♪ I believe ♪

♪ This is real ♪

♪ So take a chance and
don't ever look back ♪

♪ Don't ever look back ♪
♪ I'm gonna get your ♪

♪ Heart racing in
my skin-tight jeans ♪

♪ Be your teenage dream tonight ♪

♪ Let you put your hands on
me in my skin-tight jeans ♪

♪ Be your teenage dream tonight. ♪

(cheering, shouts)


TINA: Wait. That's hilarious.

Picturing Beiste helps cool you off?

That's what Sam said.


Well, then let's get a room.

I love making out under the stars.

With those abs, you could
be my very own situation.

Slow down.

Can't get caught in here.

We should probably cool off.

But I'm so turned on right now.

This'll cool you down a little bit.

(whispers): Beiste.

What did you say?


I got to go.

I'll see you in Glee Club.

(whispers): Beiste?

QUINN: Just be honest
with me-- I won't get mad

at you if you tell me the truth.

I'll be relieved.

Really? Because it looks
like you're gonna be mad

no matter what I say.

You said another woman's name
while you were kissing me.

Look, I
get it--

she's in a position of power over you,

which can be exciting, and you clearly

like women who give you a hard time.

I'm not cheating on you
with my football coach.

Look, can we talk about this in private?

Why, am I embarrassing you?
It's not what you think.

What I think is that I'm
not putting out for you,

so you're getting it wherever you can,

including the locker
room with the Beiste.

What's this?

This is a lovers quarrel
and is your fault.

Watch your tone with me, missy.

You crap on my leg, I'll cut it off.

I'll leave you two.

Everything okay?

Stay away from my woman.

What hell's going on around here?

What's going on, Sam?

How many of the guys have done this?

All the guys whose
girlfriends won't put out.

It's the girls, too.

This is really bad, guys.

What if Coach Beiste
were to find out about it?

Think about how hurt she'd be.

It's not personal.

Of course it's personal!

Look, Coach Beiste

is like us,
like Glee Club--

she's an outsider at this school.

No one appreciates her or her talent,

because they've decided
that she's too different.

And for you guys to abuse
that, even in private,

is the opposite of everything
we're trying to achieve in here.

But we're just thinking about it,

it's not like we're actually, you know,

making fun of her to her face.

I need you to stop.

And spread the word to all
the other Glee guys. And girls.

This ends here and now.

And Coach Beiste can
never know about this.



(bell rings)

BLAINE: Latte? Thank you.

This is Wes

and David.

It's very civilized

for you to invite me for coffee

before you beat me up for spying.

We are not going to beat you
up. You were such a terrible spy,

we thought it was sort of... endearing.

Which made me think that spying on us

wasn't really the reason you came.

Can I ask you guys a question?

Are you guys all gay?


BLAINE: Uh, uh, no.

I mean, I am, but these
two have girlfriends.

This is not a gay school.

We just have a zero-tolerance

harassment policy.

Everybody gets treated the
same, no matter what they are.

It's pretty simple.

Would you guys excuse us?

Yeah. Take it easy, Kurt.

I take it you're having
trouble at school.

I'm the only person out
of the closet at my school.

And I-I... I tried to
stay strong about it,

but... there's this Neanderthal
who's made it his mission

to make my life a living hell.

And nobody seems to notice.

I know how you feel.

I got taunted at my old school,

and it really... pissed me off.

I even complained
about it to the faculty,

and they were sympathetic and all,
but you could just tell that...

nobody really cared.

It was, like,

"Hey, if you're gay, your
life's just gonna be miserable.

Sorry. Nothing we can do about it."

So I left, and I came here.

Simple as that.

So you have two options.

I mean, I'd love to tell
you to just come enroll here,

but tuition at Dalton's
sort of steep, and I know

that's not an option for everybody.


you can refuse to be the victim.

Prejudice is just ignorance, Kurt,

and you have a chance

right now to teach him.


Confront him.

Call him out.

I ran... Kurt.

I didn't stand up.

I let bullies chase me away,

and it is something that
I really... really regret.

(bell rings)

The boys beat us the last
time we competed against them.

We've got to bring the
noise hard this time.

QUINN: To be fair, they
didn't officially beat us.

We got busted for vitamin D
possession before the vote.

Wait. Something's definitely wrong.

Why isn't Rachel
talking? Yeah, she should

totally be bossing us around right now.

The idea of the assignment
was to do the opposite

or what we normally do.

I'm just trying to stick
to the lesson plan, which is

proving nearly impossible

since you're gluing those
sequins on backwards.


Lighten up--
we're here

to talk to Santana and Brittany.

PUCK (quietly): Remember,
don't trust your instincts.

Hmm. So, how does it
feel to be a free man?

All I can say is that I don't want

a long-term relationship
with either of you.

Especially Brittany, since
I'm not in love with her.

Do you guys want to go
out to dinner tonight?

Not really.

Oh. Tell you what,

you two show up at Breadstix
tomorrow night around 7:00.

If we don't find hotter
chicks to date tonight,

we might show up.


You are totally cool.


I can't believe it.

You're a genius.

(bell rings)

Hey, Will,

can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. What's going on
with your Glee Club kids?

They've been mouthing off to me.

One of them even said to
stay away from their girl?

I-I don't get it.

You know, I'm the coach here, Will,

and if the students
here don't respect me...

pfft, I can't do my job.

(sighs) Well, Coach...

I... I don't know what to tell you.

Will, please, be straight with me.

You're the only person

at this school I trust.



Why don't you have a seat?


Th-Th-This is
really awful,

and I don't want you
to take it personally.

I mean, they're just kids.

You-you know how they can be.

Just-just tell me.


I-I guess...

it's... become sort of a-a thing,

that... when the kids
are making out, and...

Th-Th-They sort of want
to... cool off a little...

They think of you.

In compromising positions.


Like what?


in lingerie...


Coach, don't take it personally.

I do take it personally, Will.


I take it very, very personally.

No. Sh-Shannon.

Shannon, wait. I...


(school bell rings)

So there I was. At juvie.

In the breakfast line in the mess hall.

When I notice me and this guy behind me

going for the same waffle.

This guy's 6'11",

300, easy. He's got his
teeth filed into canines.

Tats everywhere. Oh, it gets better.

So I turn around.

I flex my left pec,
then I flex my right pec,

and I say to the guy...

"L'eggo my Eggo."

And you know what he does?

He lets go of my Eggo.


You should be our nation's president.


I've been squeezing your leg

for, like, the last hour and a half.

Are you not attracted to me?

Sorry. I was really
distracted by our waitress.

She's totally into me.

I can take that when you're ready.

All right, guys. Let's move.

This meal has been comped.


Dude, I don't pay for food.

It's my thing, yo.

So we're going to dine and dash.

Let's go.

Do you need any change?

Keep it.


What the hell was that about?

Sorry. I couldn't do it.

She gave us free refills.

And I figure she's got kids.

I'm not gonna do that to her.

Whatever, dude. You wussed out.

So have fun taking the short bus home,

'cause I'll be escorting
these lovely ladies

back to Chez Puckerman
for a little sookie-sookie.

Wait, seriously?

Damn straight.

I'm giving you all
my trade secrets here.

If you don't want my help, then fine.

You're on your own.

(Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer" plays)

♪ Start me up ♪

♪ Start me up ♪

♪ Oh, Tommy used to
work on the docks ♪

♪ Union's been on strike ♪

♪ He's down on his
luck, it's tough ♪

♪ Oh, so tough ♪

♪ Oh, we got to hold
on, ready or not ♪

♪ You live for the fight when
that's all that you've got ♪

♪ Start me up ♪

♪ We're halfway there ♪

♪ Oh, living on a prayer ♪

♪ If you start me up ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ Kick on the starter ♪

♪ Give it all you've got ♪

♪ You gotta, you gotta ♪

♪ I can't compete ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, oh ♪

♪ With the riders
in the other heat ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'll make a grown man cry ♪

♪ I'll make a grown
man give it a shot ♪

♪ Start me up ♪

♪ We're halfway there ♪

♪ Oh, living on a prayer ♪

♪ Living on a prayer ♪

♪ Oh, we gotta hold
on, ready or not ♪

♪ You live for the fight when
that's all that you've got ♪

♪ Oh, we're halfway there
♪ ♪ We're halfway there ♪

♪ Oh, living on a prayer
♪ ♪ Living on a prayer ♪

♪ Take my hand and
we'll make it, I swear ♪

♪ Whoa, we're living on a prayer ♪

♪ Living on a prayer ♪

♪ You gotta start me up ♪

(guys cheering)

WILL: Ladies, very, very impressive.

What was it that made you
guys choose those songs?


Coach said to give you this.

Take a good look, William.

Because Sue Sylvester's
got two things to show you.

To my left, I have one

confetti cannon.

To my right,

you'll find another confetti cannon.

You know what that means?

(sighs) No, Sue.

We got Beiste fired.

And my full budget is restored.

(remote beeps)

(laughing maniacally)

Wait, what?

Well, actually she quit.

But I'll take the W.

And it was your kids
that made it happen, Will.

It finally occurred to them to
stop singing all that nonsense

about how awesome it is

to be alive or ugly or whatever

the point is you guys
are always trying to make.

And instead?

They just got mean.

Congratulations, Will.

Wait, Coach Beiste quit?

I believe I just said
that, Annie Sullivan.

You want me to sign it into your palm?

And, now, if you'll excuse me...

And if you wouldn't mind
just cleaning all this up,

that'd be great.

(school bell rings)


I am talking to you!

Girls' locker room is next door.

What is your problem?

Excuse me? What are you so scared of?

Besides you sneaking in
here to peek at my junk?

Oh, yeah, every straight guy's nightmare

that all of us gays are secretly out

to molest and convert you.
Well, guess what, ham hock?

You're not my type! That right?

Yes, I don't dig on chubby boys

who sweat too much and
are going to be bald

by the time they're 30.

Do not push me, Hummel.

You going to hit me?

Do it. Don't push me!

Hit me, 'cause it's not
going to change who I am.

You can't punch the
gay out of me any more

than I can punch the
ignoramus out of you!

I said get out of my face!

You are nothing but a scared
little boy who can't handle

how extraordinarily ordinary you are!

(grunts in frustration)

(school bell rings)

Well, I genuinely
hope you guys are happy

because Coach Beiste has quit.

Wait, what? That's terrible.

Yeah, that's not what we want.

That's the opposite of what we want.

The football team was actually winning.

Well, then, you'd better
put your heads together

and find a way to get her back, fast,

because I am actually ashamed of you.

You really hurt someone who was
a great addition to this school.

I'm sorry, what exactly did we do?

No, no. It's us. The boys.

And Tina.

We sort of figured out
that picturing Beiste

while making out was even
better than a cold shower.

I-I mean, I don't...


Oh, wow. I'm sorry.

SANTANA: Can I just say that this is

what happens when people don't put out?

If everyone just put out,

we would have a winning football team.


I need to see you and Noah
Puckerman in my office, please.

This is garbage!

I've been doing my community service.

When you wrote "hangin' with a crip"

on your probation application,

we thought you were going to
do outreach with a local gang.

But I've totally been helping Artie.

I got him a date. I
made him some sweet cash.

Please, Mr. Shue, you've
got to help me out here.

Ms. Martin, there's
got to be some way Puck

can make up for this.

He's been a model
student since he got back.

Three whole days worth. Impressive.

Look, there are rules.

If Mr. Puckerman doesn't
find a suitable alternative

for his community service by tomorrow,

his probation will be revoked,

and he'll have to go back to
the Mondale School for the Boys.

Oh, screw that. I am
not going back there.

Mr. Puckerman, calm down!

No, you calm down!

All of you, calm down!

I told you, I'm not going back there!

What are you writing? Give me that.

Puck, this isn't helping!

Helping? Since when does any
one of you care about helping me?

None of you care about me!


(school bell rings)

KURT: Thanks again for coming.

Don't worry about it.
Just let me do the talking.

KURT: There he is.

I got your back.

BLAINE: Excuse me?

Hey, lady boys.

This your boyfriend, Kurt?

Kurt and I would like to
talk to you about something.

I gotta go to class.

Kurt told me what you did.

Oh yeah, what's that?

You kissed me.

I don't know what you're talking about.

It seems like you might
be a little confused,

and that's totally normal.

This is a... a very hard thing

to come to terms with,
and you should just know

that you're not alone.

Do not mess with me.

You have to stop this!

Well, he's not coming out anytime soon.

What's going on?

Why are you so upset?

(exhales) Because up until
yesterday, I had never been kissed.

Or at least... one that counted.

Come on.

I'll buy you lunch.


Didn't make you for a quitter.

Don't, Will.

You have no idea what it's like.

For what it's worth...
the kids feel awful.

They like you.

They respect you.

Isn't that just what every
girl wants to hear from a guy?

Nah, screw this.

I'll find my bliss somewhere else.

I... I need a life change.

You know, maybe I'll get a job
as a cooler at a honky-tonk bar.

I don't know, maybe an ice road trucker.


Will you just stop?

I get it.

All of us are scarred by high school.

You know, next to our parents,

nothing screws a person up more.

(laughs) And-and people
like us, we're stupid enough

to come back here and
relive that pain every day.

(laughs) Right? Yeah.


I'm not gay, you know.

I know I can be a little
intimidating sometimes, but...

deep down inside where no one can see,

I'm just a girl.

A-Am I nuts that I just want to
be reminded of that sometimes?

Well, that's what dating is for.

(sighs) Last... date I went
on, the guy was a freak.

All he wanted to do was wrestle.

Well, let me help you out, then.

I'm sure there are plenty of
guys out... No, there aren't.

I'm kind of a specific type.

Well, you got to put yourself out there,

try online dating...

I've never been kissed, Will.


It's the simplest thing.

A kiss.

It's a doorway to everything else,

you know?

Promise, hope...

of a future with someone.

What does that say about me?

I'm 40, and I haven't even
taken those baby steps yet.

♪ ♪

What that says to me...

is that you are a beautiful...

amazing woman...

whose heart is just too
big for most men to stand.

You really think I'm pretty, Will?

Inside and out.

♪ ♪

And now you've been kissed.

(laughs softly)

Hey, come to the choir
room tomorrow at 4:00.

The guys want to apologize to you

in person.

You tricking me into a
make-out session, Schuester?

(both laugh)

(bell rings)

I didn't see you in geometry today.

Jackpot. No, you didn't.

I'm getting out of here.

I'm skipping town, genius.

My probation officer
says hanging out with you

isn't real community
service, so if I don't spend

the next six weeks picking
up garbage on the highway,

they're gonna send me back to juvie.

So, what's wrong with picking up trash?

Are you serious? It's ghetto, dude.

I'm not a garbage man.

You know how humiliating that is?

I'm not doing it, and I'm
not going back to juvie.

Why? I thought you loved it there.


I lied. It's frickin' terrifying, dude.

On the first day, three
gangbangers jumped me,

and before the security
guards could pull them off,

they'd already tore out my nipple ring.

I thought I was a badass?

There are some hard dudes in there.

Guys with no families,
guys who look at you

like you're some kind
of dog they can't wait

to kick the crap out of.

And they kept taking my waffles.

So... you be my community service.


I owe you-- you got me
a date with Brittany.

You made me feel cool, which
is not the easiest thing to do.

I really like hanging out

with you, so... let me
tutor you in geometry

while you pick up
garbage by the highway.

Geometry's easy, yo.

There's no excuse for
a guy as smart as you

not to get at least a B.

I was kind of a jerk
to you at Breadstix.

Whatever. Just pay
me back for the pasta.

(bell rings)

Running out without
paying was a stupid idea.

If I got caught, I'd be screwed.

You need to start hanging around

someone who's a good
influence on you, Puck.

Give me six weeks, if you
don't ace your geometry midterm,

I swear I'll buy you all
the waffles you can eat.

That's dope, dude.

You got a deal.

♪ ♪

I don't get it.

It's... boys against the girls,

but... what's the winner get?

Uh, we were hoping for your forgiveness.

SAM: Yeah. We just wanted to apologize

for hurting your feelings.

Coach Beiste, we think you're awesome.

And even though you're
all hard and tough

on the outside, it
doesn't mean you're not

the opposite on the inside.

Like a chocolate turtle.

Totally. You're nougaty,

and we totally get that now.

You're like a mash-up.

Why don't you guys just get to the song.


This mash-up is
dedicated to you, Coach.

Hard and badass on one hand, and...

soft and girly on the other.

We hope it makes you smile,

'cause when you smile, you're pretty,

and it lights up the room.


♪ Here we go! ♪

♪ Stop, in the name of love ♪

♪ Before you break my heart ♪

♪ Think it over ♪ ♪
I wear tight clothing ♪

♪ High-heel shoes ♪

♪ It doesn't mean
that I'm a prostitute ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ I like rap music ♪

♪ Wear hip-hop clothes ♪

♪ That doesn't mean that
I'm out selling dope ♪

♪ No, no, no ♪
♪ Ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba-ba,
ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Before you can meet me, you've
got to learn how to see me ♪

♪ I said ♪

♪ Stop, in the name of love ♪

♪ Before you break my heart ♪

♪ Think it over ♪ ♪ Free your
mind, and the rest will follow ♪

♪ Think it over ♪
♪ Be color-blind ♪

♪ Don't be so shallow ♪

♪ I've known of your ♪

♪ Your secluded nights ♪

♪ I've even seen her
maybe once or twice ♪

♪ But it's a sweet expression ♪

♪ Worth more than my
love and affection ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪ ♪
Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Before you can
meet me, you've got ♪

♪ To learn how to see me, I said ♪

♪ Stop, in the name of love ♪

♪ Before you break my heart ♪

♪ Think it over ♪
♪ Free your mind ♪

♪ And the rest will follow ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Be color-blind ♪

♪ Don't be so shallow ♪

♪ Don't break my
heart ♪ ♪ Stop ♪

♪ In the name of love ♪

♪ Free your mind ♪

♪ Stop ♪ ♪ Oh, free your mind ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah... ♪ ♪
Ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Before you can meet
me, you've got to learn ♪

♪ How to see me, I said ♪

♪ Stop, in the name of love ♪

♪ Before you break my heart ♪

♪ Free your mind ♪ ♪
Stop, in the name of love ♪

♪ Before you break my heart ♪

♪ Oh, think it over ♪

♪ Free your mind ♪

♪ And the rest ♪

♪ Will stop! ♪

(cheering, whooping, clapping)

That was really good.

I liked it.

Thank you.

Get over here!