Glee (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 2 - Britney/Brittany - full transcript

Brittany has hallucinations while at the dentist and channels her inner Britney Spears. Rachel fears her relationship with Finn could be in peril.

So here's what you missed on Glee:
Emma had a crush on Will,

but Will was married.
Then Will had a crush on Emma,

so he got a divorce
and he kissed her,

- but now she's dating some dude named Carl.
- He's my dentist.

It's a total bummer.

Tina told Artie
to take a hike...

You're a terrible

...and then she got the hots
for Mike Chang,

and now he's obsessed
with getting her back.

I want abs.
So much drama!

And that's
what you missed on Glee.

All right, who can tell me

who Christopher Cross is?

He discovered America.


He did write an iconic
chart topper: "Sailing."

I have a bad feeling
about this lesson.

Never heard of him,
don't want to hear about him.

Now some people think
of the term

"Easy Listening" as a bad thing.

But I'm going to let this music
speak for itself.

You guys love Lady Gaga
and the Rolling Stones...

and you guys are really good
about putting it all out there.

But really good music can also
be controlled, and restrained.

It doesn't have to
attack an audience,

it can let them
come to you.

How could you get caught

between the moon
and New York City?

They're like
a hundred miles apart.

Mr. Shue?
If I may.

I think I speak
for all of us when I say

it's not that we don't love
the idea of spending a week

on this silky smooth
Adult Contemporary,

it's just that, as teens,
this isn't the easiest music

for us to relate to.

However, there is a burgeoning
Facebook campaign

that has swelled
to over five members.

The ardent demand:
That this week,

at the fall homecoming assembly,

the McKinley High School
Glee Club

performs a number by...
Wait for it...

Ms. Britney Spears.

Spears, Spears, yeah.

Sorry, Kurt,
Kurt, sorry.

No, no, no. I don't think she's
a very good role model.

But, Mr. Shue, we kind
of grew of up with her.

She's literally why I wanted
to become a peormer.

I don't want to do Britney.

Why no Britney, Brittany?

Because my name is also
Brittany Spears.

- What?!
- What the hell is she talking about?

My middle name is Susan,
my last name is Pierce.

That makes me
Brittany S. Pierce.

"Brittany Spierce."

I've lived my entire life
in Britney Spear's shadow.

I will never be as
talented or as famous.

I hope you'll all respect
that I want Glee Club

to remain a place where I,
Brittany S. Pierce,

can escape the torment
of Britney Spears.

Well, there you have it, guys.

It's been decided.
No Britney. Sorry.

Thanks, Britt. Thanks a lot.

Leave Brittany alone.

Thank you for

It's been a hard road.

- Um, can we move on?
- Yes.

Let's talk about Michael Bolton.

I know that Britney's had
some issues in the past,

but I actually think
it's quite admirable

the way she's gotten
her life back together.

I mean, hasn't
she had, what, like,

three number-one hits
in the past two years?

She's a single mom
raising two kids.

I think she's the perfect symbol
for the possibility of rebirth.

I can't...

See, that's your problem, Will.
You're too uptight.

- Oh, you're calling me uptight?
- Mm-hmm.

The woman who buys hand
sanitizer by the barrel?

I admit I have had
some control issues in the past,

but Carl's been helping me
with all of that.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

Wow. Um, like how?

Um, so, the other day,
he made me buy

the green grapes and the red
grapes at the market.

and then we just mixed them
together in a bowl

and we just ate them.
It was madness. Sheer madness.


You know what, that's fine.

Make fun all you want,
but it's a start,

and I am incredibly
grateful for it.

Hey, now.
Am I interrupting?

Carl, no. Hi.

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd surprise you
and take you to lunch.

Oh, I love that look
of instant panic

every time I try
to change your routine.


And you must be Will.

Emma told me you're
the cutest guy in school.

Will, you grind your teeth?

I... I don't think so.

Damn it.

What? What's wrong?

Another teenager
needs a root canal.

I swear, not one student
in this school

is going to have their teeth
by the time they're thirty.

Oh, the sugar
kids eat today...

Carl has been trying
to get the school board

to let him come and do a
seminar on good dental hygiene,

but they've been dragging
their feet.

- Why don't you come talk to Glee Club?
- Well, that would be a dream, Will.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, Will, that would be amazing.

I'm usually pretty tight
about our rehearsal schedule,

but I think I can loosen
the reins a bit for Carl.

- The kids can't sing without teeth, right?
- No.

They'd be...
They wouldn't be singing.

They'd be gumming.

♪ Muh-muh-muh-muh... ♪

Gimme this jacket!

Hey, give me that back!
I earned that!

This jacket belongs to people
who are actually on the team.

But you know what?
We're going to restyle it

to represent the obvious duality
in your sexuality.


- Oh, you're trying to swing at me?
- Swing, huh?

Come on, swing at me.

- Come on! Come on!
- Come on, let's go!

Sorry to interrupt.

I'm actually glad you're here
to see this.

Finn, I just wanted to apologize

for getting you kicked off
the football team.

I just hope there's
no hard feelings.

So what are you guys
talking about?

- Dude, take him.
- This wheelchair kid

is in the way, man. What if I
knock him over or something?

There's something
not right about

- hitting a kid in a wheelchair.
- You know, the only thing

that's saving you right now
is my moral code.

I don't hit crippled people.
But I'll be back.

We're gonna be back.

All right, so here's the deal.

You chew this little capsule.
Now if there's

any plaque you missed,

the dye will stick to it
and turn your teeth blue.

Can I just say that you are the
hottest dentist I've ever seen?

- I get that all the time.
- No, like, seriously,

you can totally drill me

Santana. Okay,
let's stay focused.

Rock n' roll, Emms.

And besides, this guy...

now this guy's pretty
easy on the eyes too, huh?

And you know what?
No matter how hard I tried,

I bet I couldn't sing
and dance like him.

Uh, probably not.

All right, let's take a look
at those chompers, huh?

Before we chew,
I would just like to alert

Mr. Shue that there's
been a new addition

to the Britney Spears
Facebook campaign.

The answer's still no.

Capsules, guys.

Yes, chew away.
Chew, chew.

Oh, my God!



I don't understand.

- I floss between classes.
- Well, sometimes it's genetics.

I think I might be better

at brushing and flossing if I
could see myself in the mirror.

There you go, blue tooth.

I don't brush my teeth.

I rinse my mouth out
with soda after I eat.

I was pretty sure Dr. Pepper
was a dentist.

I got this, Em.

With some deep bleaching
or scaling,

you'll be
as good as new.

All right, open up.

Nah, close.

Close again.

This room looks like the one
on that spaceship

where I got probed.

So, Brittany, you, uh,

you have the the worst
teeth I've ever seen.

You have cavities in
every single tooth.

This has got to be
some sort of record.

Please don't pull all my teeth.

My smile will look like
an adult baby but with boobs.

All right, I'm going
to put you under

with a little general

You won't feel a thing.

Like roofies?

Yeah, totally.

I'll put on Pandora...

...and you just relax.

Oh, no, not Britney.

♪ All you people look at me
like I'm a little girl. ♪

♪ Well, did you ever think
it'd be okay ♪

♪ for me to step into
this world? ♪

♪ Always saying little girl
don't step into the club. ♪

♪ Well, I'm just trying
to find out why, ♪

♪ 'cause dancing's
what I love. ♪

♪ Now watch me. ♪

♪ Get it, get it, get it,
get it, ooh... ♪

♪ Get it, get it,
do you like it? ♪

♪ Get it, get it, get it,
get it... ♪

♪ It just feels good. ♪

♪ I'm a slave for you. ♪

♪ I cannot help it. ♪

♪ I cannot control it. ♪

♪ I'm a slave for you. ♪

♪ I won't deny it. ♪

♪ I'm not trying to hide it. ♪

♪ I know I may
come off quiet, ♪

♪ I may come off shy. ♪

♪ But I feel like talking,
feel like dancing ♪

♪ when I see this guy. ♪

♪ What's practical
is logical. ♪

♪ What the hell, who cares? ♪

♪ All I know is I'm so happy ♪

♪ when you're dancing there. ♪

♪ Baby, don't you wanna
dance upon me? ♪

♪ I just want to dance
next to you. ♪

♪ At another time and place. ♪

♪ Oh, baby, don't you wanna dance upon me? ♪
♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ Leaving behind my name and date. ♪
♪ Let's go. ♪

♪ Get it, get it, get it,
get it, ooh... ♪

♪ Get it, get it, whoa... ♪

♪ Get it, get it, get it,
get it... ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ I'm a slave for you. ♪
♪ Here we go now. ♪

♪ Here we go now. ♪

♪ I cannot help it. ♪

♪ I cannot control it. ♪

♪ I'm a slave for you. ♪

♪ Here we go. ♪

♪ I won't deny it. ♪

♪ I'm not trying to hide it. ♪

♪ Yeah, like that. ♪


Brittany, wake up.

All right, you're going
to feel a little nauseous.

I petted a snake.

Mm. Rock on.

I'm going to have
to see you tomorrow.

You have 68 cavities.
I couldn't get 'em all today.

Can I have a blue toothbrush?

- I'll give you a hundred toothbrushes.
- Okay.

Are you a cat?


You all right?

You seem a little down.

Didn't you like the
banana bread I baked you?

Yeah, it was awesome.

It's just...
How do you feel about me

not being on the
football team anymore?

I'm actually kind
of happy about it.

Then I don't have to fantasize
about what song I'd sing

at your bedside if
you were in a coma.


I'm just so not cool
now, you know.

Well, it's just less
of a chance

of you running off
with some cheerleader.

Wait, so you want me
to feel bad about myself?

No, I just...

I want to be the only thing
that makes you feel good.

I'm just trying to be honest.

Hey, dwarf, anyone ever tell you

that you dress like
one of the bait girls

- on To Catch a Predator?
- Also, I'm more talented than you.

You could have defended me.

Well, Santana has a point.

Just trying to be honest.

So, Santana, I'm looking
at your charts and your X-rays.

Your teeth are perfect.

That's right.

Well, I can't just
put you under.

Anesthesia isn't something
to joke about. It's serious.

Okay, listen, my dad's a doctor.

And not a "tooth doctor,"
a real one.

He, like, went
to college or something.

Which means I have a killer
health care plan

that pretty much pays
for everything.

So get up in my grill,
'cause Britts and I wants

to get our anesthesia on.

It's totally cool.

Hmm, okay, I guess
I can give you

a super strong bleaching.

- Hmm.
- Can I turn the radio on?

We've got it covered.

♪ All my people in the crowd,
grab a partner, take it down. ♪

♪ It's me against the music,
uh-huh. ♪

♪ It's just me. ♪
♪ And me. ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

♪ Come on. ♪
♪ Huh! Ah! ♪

♪ Hey, Brittany. ♪

♪ Are you ready? ♪

♪ Uh-huh. ♪

♪ Are you? ♪
♪ Ooh... No one cares. ♪

♪ It's flipping my hair. ♪

♪ It's pulling my waist. ♪

♪ To hell with stares. ♪

♪ The sweat is dripping all over
my face and no one's there. ♪

♪ I'm the only one dancing up
in this place. ♪

♪ It's just me,
tonight I'm here. ♪

♪ Feel the beat of the drum,
gotta get with that bass. ♪

♪ I'm up against the speaker
trying to take on the music. ♪

♪ It's like a competition,
me against the beat. ♪

♪ I want to get in the zone. ♪

♪ I want to get in the zone,
I want to get in the zone. ♪

♪ If you really want to battle, ♪

♪ saddle up
and get your rhythm. ♪

♪ Trying to hit it chic-a-tah
in the middle. ♪

♪ I'm a take a you on,
I'm a take a you on. ♪

♪ I'm a take a you on. ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey... ♪

♪ All my people on the floor, let me see you dance. ♪
♪ Let me see ya. ♪

♪ All my people wanting more, let me see you dance. ♪
♪ I wanna see ya. ♪

♪ All my people round and round,
let me see you dance. ♪

♪ Let me see ya. ♪

♪ All my people in the crowd,
let me see you dance. ♪

♪ I wanna see ya. ♪

♪ Get on the floor. ♪

♪ Baby, lose control, yeah. ♪

♪ Just work your body and let it go. ♪
♪ Let it go. ♪

♪ If you wanna party,
just grab somebody. ♪

♪ Hey, Brittany, we can dance
all night long. ♪

♪ Hey, Brittany, you say you
want to lose control. ♪

♪ Come over here,
I got something to show ya. ♪

♪ Sexy lady, I'd rather see you
bare your soul. ♪

♪ Yeah, you think you're so hot,
better show me what you got. ♪

♪ All my people in the crowd,
let me see you dance. ♪

♪ Come on, Brittany,
lose control. ♪

♪ Watch you take it down. ♪
♪ Get down. ♪

♪ Get on the floor,
baby, lose control. ♪

♪ Just work your body
and let it go. ♪

♪ If you want to party,
just grab somebody. ♪

♪ Hey, Brittany, we can dance
all night long. ♪

♪ All my people on the floor, say let me see you dance. ♪
♪ I wanna see ya. ♪

♪ All my people in the crowd,
say let me see you dance. ♪

♪ I wanna see ya. ♪

♪ All my people in the crowd,
let me see you dance. ♪

♪ Come on, Brittany,
lose control. ♪

♪ Watch you take it down. ♪

You're really hot.

You're sweet.

And your breath smells
really good.

So does yours,

and you know why?

Because this is a fantasy.


...making Christopher Cross
a Golden Globe, Oscar,

and five-time
Grammy Award winner.

- Brittany.
- I would just like to say that from now on,

I demand to have every
solo in Glee Club.

- What?
- When I had my teeth cleaned,

I had the most amazing
Britney Spears fantasy.

I sang and danced better
than her.

Now I realize what a powerful
woman I truly am.

I went with her, and I had
a Britney fantasy, too.

Although now that I'm thinking
about it, I'm not really sure

how our fantasies combined.

That doesn't make any sense.

See, Mr. Shue? I told you.

Britney Spears busted our Brit
out of her everyday, fragmented

haze of confusion
and gave her

the confidence
to step up and perform.

I'm more talented
than all of you.

I see that clearly now.

It's Brittany, bitch.

Guys, we're not doing
Britney Spears, and that's that.

Mr. Shue, you're letting your
own personal issues

get in the way of
something that

we are all telling you
we really want to do.

I mean, this club regularly pays
tribute to pop culture,

and Britney Spears
is pop culture!

To suggest otherwise
is heretical!

Kurt, I'm done talking
about this!

Geez! Let loose a little,
would you?!

Stop being so frickin' uptight
all the time!


...I'll see you in
the Principal's office.



♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

All right.
Evidence of some grinding.

I'll set you up
with a night guard.


Happy to do it.

- All right, can we stop this right now?
- What?

Well, this is clearly awkward
for the two of us.

All right, let's talk it out,

Fine. Bro.

I still have feelings for Emma.
Strong feelings.

So do I.

The difference is
she chose me.

I don't know what's
gonna happen with Emma and I,

but I do ask is that you back
off until we figure it out.

What if I tell you that I don't
think I could do that?


Will, put yourself in my shoes.

I mean, say it doesn't work out

between the two of us,
and she chooses to go back to you.

How would you feel if I continue
to come after her?

Okay, fine.
I'll back off.

But the second she starts
leaning my way, I am back in.


Deal. Now open back up.

I want to continue
this examination.

- Ah...
- No more "Ah's".

- Oh.
- You know what?

I got just the thing for you.


You gotta loosen up
and bang, bro.

I mean, you're grinding

those beautiful little teeth
down to nubs.

You know, I honestly think
that's why you

and Emma
didn't work out.

There's not an impulsive bone
between the two of you.

And you think eating candy is
gonna change that?

You gotta get ridiculous, bro.

You gotta
just start doing

things that feel good
for no good reason.

You know, I used
to get up at the same time

ever day and have
the same eggs.

Then, one day, I'm driving
the hybrid to work,

I pass
a Chevy dealership.

The new Corvettes had
just come in, so I stopped

right on the spot, I make
a U-turn and I buy one.

Now I take the top down,
take Emma for a spin,

she doesn't even care
if her hair gets messed up.

You follow me?

Hey, Rachel.

Hey, Mr. Shue.

You all set? You need me to stay
with you or anything?

No, I've been taking herbal
anti-anxiety pills and reading

The Unauthorized Biography of
Britney Spears to stay calm.

I look forward to the day
the paparazzi provokes me

and I attack them.

Are you okay?

Did you have a cavity
or something?

Is that candy?

I'm fine.

Good luck.

♪ Oh, baby, baby... ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby... ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby, ♪

♪ how was I supposed to know ♪

♪ that something wasn't
right? Yeah... ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby,
I shouldn't have let you go, ♪

♪ and now you're out
of sight, yeah... ♪

♪ Show me how you want it to be... ♪

♪ Tell me, baby,
'cause I need to know now, ♪

♪ just because my loneliness is
killing me, and I... ♪

♪ I must confess
I still believe... ♪

♪ Still believe... ♪

♪ When I'm not with you,
I lose my mind. ♪

♪ Give me a sign! ♪

♪ Hit me, baby, one more time! ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby... ♪

♪ Yeah, hey, oh, baby, baby... ♪

♪ Yeah, hey, yeah... ♪

♪ Oh, baby, baby, ♪

♪ how was I supposed to know? ♪

♪ Oh, pretty baby, I shouldn't
have let you go. ♪

♪ I must confess ♪

♪ that my loneliness is
killing me now. ♪

♪ Don't you know
I still believe? ♪

♪ When I'm not with you,
I lose my mind. ♪

♪ Give me a sign! ♪

♪ Hit me, baby, one more time! ♪


Rachel, wake up.

You Glee kids are
impossible to work on.

You're always moving around
when you're under.

Is this real life?

Hey, take my hoodie.
You look cold.

It's okay, I'm...

Wait, you mean you don't
like my new look?

Don't you think
it's a bit much?

I mean, I think
that guy just broke up

with his girlfriend just so
he could stare at you.

I'm just doing
what you told me.

Besides, it's not like when
I went all sad clown hooker

and put on that ridiculous
Grease cat suit.

This is just like my regular look
with the volume turned up.

Ooh, baby,
you can hit me

as many times
as you want

as long as you
got that on.

How come all the gay guys
always get the hottest chicks?

You see what I'm talking about?

They're personifying you.


Whatever! Just tell me

why it's okay for you
to feel safer with me

not on the football team,

but it's not okay for me
to feel safer with you

in your old
reindeer sweater?

Look, I see your point.

In order for
this relationship to work,

we can't control each other.

So you have my blessing
to rejoin the football team...

If you can.

It looks like a Jewish cloud.

What do you want for her?

I'll give you anything.
I'll give you my house.

I'll kill my parents
and I'll give you my house.

Wanky, wanky!

I kinda liked your old car.

That car was a metaphor for
everything that was wrong

with my life, my fear of change.

That dragging muffler was like
the chains of Marley's Ghost.

Now they're gone and
I feel like a free man!

By buying the same car as Carl?

His didn't have heated seats.

Oh, come on, Emma,
I'm just doing everything

you said I should do.

I'm loosening up,
and I feel amazing!

Let's take her for a spin.

Oh, this is my jam!

♪ Well, it's not that
far to paradise, ♪

♪ at least it's not for me. ♪

♪ And if the wind is right,
we can sail away ♪

♪ and find tranquility... ♪

Get out of the car!

Watch this.

I'm taking this back
to the dealer.

Oh, hey, home wrecker!

Do I have to remind you
that we are divorced?!

I am reminded every month when
I get my spousal support check!

The one that I know
you can't send me

if you're buying a car
that you can't afford!


You know what?

I think you should
keep this car.

You should enjoy it, you know,
at least until they repossess it.

But just don't buy any more
big-ticket items, okay?

Why is that?

Because someday you are going
to come to your senses, Will,

and you're going to get over
that little Miss Crazypants,

and you're going to come
back to the one woman

who really knows
how to love you.

And I just don't want you to have
blown all of our savings when you do.


Well, Rachel, congratulations.

Normally, you dress
like the fantasy

of a perverted
Japanese businessman

with a very dark,
specific fetish,

but I actually dig this look.

- Yay.
- Thank you.

I think what Santana
is trying to say, Rachel,

though I risk expulsion
by saying so,

is that it seems Britney Spears
has really helped you blossom.

That's all.

Wait. Rachel, is that true?

I mean, you are sort of
dressing differently.

Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...

- Hey, hey.
- Look, all I know is that I had

a very vivid Britney Spears
fantasy at the dentist,

and since then,
it's made me feel free

to get out of my own way.

I think I've just
always been afraid

to dress like a pretty girl

because I've never really felt
like one before.

Now I realize it's okay
to feel that way

about yourself
every now and again.

And maybe it's a good thing.

It's such a good thing.
I can't believe it.

William, a word.

You have
got to be kidding me.

I was headed to the library
computers late last night

to score my Cheerios some
cheap tickets on one of those

off-brand airlines with
shoddy safety records...

you know,
to fly my JV squad,

so if the plane did go down,

well, it wouldn't be
that big of a deal.

But then... Horror!

Rachel, are you aware you've never

been hotter
than you are right now

- dressed as Britney Spears?
- Thank you.

Can I put
some clothes on, please?


I want you to feel the beads
of your own sweaty,

depraved stank
dripping down your butt crack.

Rachel Berry was dressing
like Britney Spears,

- and I was titillated.
- Oh, dear God,

please don't ever
say that word again.

Can I go now, please?

You're going to have to
turn around when I stand up.

if you know what I mean.

That is really gross, Sue,
but they're kids.


William, I realize you're
still mourning the loss

of that bony redheaded
hominid you're in love with.

I understand that.

I also understand
that you bought

a brand-new car
to impress her.

You're flailing, William.

Now, I'm secretly hoping
it's a midlife crisis,

which means you're halfway
to an early death,

affording me a blissful,
demented convalescence

spent peeing on your grave.

What's your point, Sue?

Don't let your own recklessness
blind you to the fact

that Britney Spears
is a genius

pop-culture provocateur
and a gateway drug

to every out-of-control
impulse ever created.

This school is a powder keg
of sexual deviance, William,

and in my office,

I have a chair with a naked
butt sweat stain to prove it.

I'm not kidding.

It's like an inkblot test,
that butt sweat stain.

Stare into it, William,

and you will see the light of
all that is good go out of the world.

Wait just a second, now.

You look more
confused than ever.

Is your Glee Club
doing Britney Spears music?

Is that why Rachel was wearing
that inappropriate outfit?


No, we are not doing Britney.

Just checking.

I'm serious. You should put
ranch dressing on it.

- On pizza?
- Yeah, it's delicious. You should try it.

I'm 100% in love
with you right now.

Hey, Britney.

Oh, hey, Artie.

Girl, you are such a fool

for breaking up
with such a sweetheart.

I know, Britney.

Artie, I'm sorry.

And I'm stronger.

I'm serious.
You're hot.

♪ Ooh, hey, yeah... ♪

♪ Hush, just stop ♪

♪ There's nothing you
can do or say, ♪

♪ baby. ♪

♪ I've had enough. ♪

♪ I'm not your property
as from today, ♪

♪ baby. ♪

♪ You might think that I ♪

♪ won't make it on my own, ♪

♪ but now I'm stronger
than yesterday. ♪

♪ Now it's nothing but my way. ♪

♪ My loneliness
ain't killing me no more. ♪

♪ I am stronger. ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Here I go on my own. ♪

♪ I don't need nobody,
better off alone. ♪

♪ Here I go on my own now. ♪

♪ I don't need nobody,
not anybody. ♪

♪ Here I go... ♪

♪ Here I go. ♪

♪ Stronger than yesterday. ♪

♪ It's nothing but my way. ♪

♪ My loneliness
ain't killing me no more. ♪

♪ No more. ♪

♪ I am stronger. ♪

Mmm, Britney.

What are you doing?

Oh. I'm, uh,
going to run some laps.

Gonna get back in shape
and back on the team.

That's what I came here
to talk to you about.

I want on the team, too.

Every day, Tina and Mike's
Asian fusion grows stronger.

Look, I want to help you,
dude, but...

kind of need to take care
of myself right now.

I'm sorry.

I had a vision
at the dentist.

You and I were out on the field
with the team, playing football.

We were unstoppable.

I just know that if we can show
what I can do to Coach Beiste,

- she'd put me on the team.
- Show me what?

I... I wanted to ask you
to reconsider

putting me on the football team.

I'm not with him on this one.

Well, you should be.
I need you to help him get his uniform.


Well, don't just stare at me
like a donkey with a wooden leg.

Go see the equipment manager,

and you boys get out
on the field.

Practice starts
in five minutes.

Thanks, Coach.
We won't let you down.

Well, come on. Go!

Those are on backwards.

I was pretty sure
Artie's legs don't work.

- Did you get a leg transplant?
- Nope.

My teammates can push my chair
like a battering ram.

Yeah, there's no rules
against it. We checked.

- And I have Britney Spears to thank.
- You're welcome.

Britney plus nitrous gave me

an amazing idea, and it gave me

the nerve
to tell Coach Beiste

that Finn and I both really want
to be on the team.

- Wait. You're back on the football team?
- Yeah.

Suddenly, you're way hotter
to me. Weird.

Wait. I don't get it.

How come everyone's having
Britney Spears fantasies?

The nitrous oxide dentists
use is a mild hallucinogen.

Studies have proven
that it induces vivid dreams,

often the last thing
the patient thinks of.

The subconscious moves
to the forefront.

Since we've all been thinking
so much about Britney,

it only stands to reason.

Okay, guys, listen up.

Mr. Shue, if I may?

Kurt, I overheard what you guys
were just talking about,

and I know what you're
going to say.

The answer is no.

No, I'm not going to stand
in the way anymore.

If you guys want to do Britney

at this year's homecoming
assembly, I'm fine with it.

I know. Oh...

And more than that,

I am going
to perform with you.


I always thought
the boys' locker room

would be all sexy, but actually,
it smells like feet in here.

Oh, Rachel,
you can't be in here.

You changed back to
your old clothes.

I just want you to know that I
heard everything that you said

and that I respect your needs,

and I'll do anything
to make you feel safe and happy.


Well, thanks. I gotta go.


I mean... d...
Don't you want

to make me feel safe
and happy, too?

Well, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Wait. Wait.

Do you want me to quit football?

Look, how am I supposed to trust

that you're not just
going to stray again?

Remember your little fling
with Brittany and Santana?

I do... all right?
Let's face it, Finn...

The only way that this relationship
is going to work is if we're both losers.

Okay. Come here.

This is how it's gonna happen:

I'm going to be
quarterback again,

then I'm going to throw a
touchdown in our first game,

and then point to you
in the stands

so that everybody in the school
knows you're my girlfriend.

All right?

That's very
romantic, but...

I don't know.

Rachel, you can't ask me to
choose between you and football.

Well, I am.

You need to sit
where you can be seen.

Why don't you sit at the top

and wave your big,
foamy finger?

Yeah? Up there.

It's so, so exciting!

- You know, I can get you backstage if you want.
- Oh, hey.

- Hey.
- You're all dressed up.

You look like a cast member
of Kids Incorporated.

Well, I really want
to loosen up a bit,

so I'm, uh, helping
the kids do Britney.

Outrageous, right?

- Yeah.
- Oh.


Sit down!

There's nothing
to stand up and cheer about.

Hey, Coach!

The glee club's doing
Britney Spears for the assembly.

I just found out.

Becky, you're on red alert.

If you see any awkward
teenage frottage,

you perform that
citizen's arrest we practiced.

Got it, Coach.

Quiet, please, children.

Quiet now.

First, students
who ate the ravioli today

and are not up-to-date
on their tetanus shots

should see the nurse

Welcome to our homecoming
pep assembly.

Because of last week's grisly
train derailment,

the dulcimer club is on hiatus
until further notice.

But do we ever have
a treat for you.

Fresh off their last place
finish at the Regionals,

please give it up
for the New Directions!

♪ Baby, can't you see ♪

♪ I'm calling. ♪

♪ A guy like you ♪

♪ should wear a warning. ♪

♪ You're dangerous. ♪

♪ I'm loving it. ♪

I love Britney Spears!

♪ Too high, ♪

♪ can't come down. ♪

♪ Losing my head,
spinning round and round. ♪

♪ Oh, do you feel me now? ♪

♪ With a taste of your lips, ♪

♪ I'm on a ride. ♪

I want to be that hat!

♪ You're toxic,
I'm slipping under. ♪

♪ With a taste
of a poison paradise, ♪

♪ I'm addicted to you. ♪

♪ Don't you know
that you're toxic? ♪

♪ And I love what you do. ♪

♪ Don't you know
that you're toxic? ♪

Take it off!


♪ It's getting late ♪

♪ to give you up. ♪

♪ I took a sip ♪

♪ from my devil's cup. ♪

♪ Slowly it's taking over me. ♪

♪ Too high, ♪

♪ can't come down. ♪

♪ It's in the air... ♪

Mr. Shue,
let me be your Britney!

♪ and it's all around. ♪

♪ Oh, can you feel me now? ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ With a taste of your lips, ♪

♪ I'm on a ride. ♪
♪ On a ride... ♪

♪ You're toxic,
I'm slipping under. ♪


♪ With a taste
of a poison paradise. ♪

♪ I'm addicted to you. ♪

It's so sexy!
It's so...!

♪ Don't you know
that you're toxic? ♪

♪ I'm addicted to you,
don't you know that you're toxic? ♪

Mr. Shue, I want your babies!

♪ Intoxicate me now. ♪

Don't stop doing that!

Don't stop doing that!

Yes! Yes!

♪ I think I'm ready now. ♪

♪ Intoxicate me now. ♪

♪ With your loving now. ♪


♪ I think I'm ready. ♪

♪ I think I'm ready now. ♪

It's a Britney Spears sex riot.

Run the other way!

How you doing, Sue?

Not sure if you heard, William,

but my spinal column
was ruptured in a sex riot.

Sue, you pulled the alarm.

Everything was going fine!

You know, William, that's
what one Hubert Humphrey said

back in 1968 at the start of the
Democratic National Convention.

But then hippies put acid
in everyone's bourbon.

And when an
updraft revealed

Lady Bird Johnson's tramp stamp

and tattoos above her ovaries,
Mayor Richard J. Daley

became so incensed
with sexual rage

that he punched
his own wife in the face

and spent the next
hour screaming

"Sex party" into the microphones
of all three major networks.

Okay, I'm pretty sure
none of that happened.

You can expect a call
very soon from my lawyer...

Gloria Allred.

I'm gonna sue the
pants off you, Will.

I'm gonna take your
house, your car,

your extensive
collection of vests.

I mean, seriously,

you wear more vests than
the cast of Blossom.

And I'll see you in court.


Look, what I did
was a little weird.

I know that.
It was inappropriate

for me to do Britney
with the kids.

I just thought you wanted me
to be less uptight.

Will, I just wanted
you to relax.

You know,
not stop being you.

I know you're frustrated.

You know, Terri's still on your case,
you lost at regionals,

Glee's still the bottom
pickle in the barrel...

You and Carl.

Me and Carl.

Especially me and Carl.

Look, have you ever noticed
that Britney Spears

only makes great music

when she's not chasing
down paparazzi?

She can't just swallow a grenade
and let her talent explode

all over the wall.

She's got to rein it in,
just like you do.

You're such a great
teacher, Will.

No, probably the best
in the whole school.

So why would you want
to be someone else

when the someone
that you already are

is so amazing?

Because the boring
someone I already am...

wasn't good enough for you.

Hey, where you going?

To return that car.

U.S. History...

Crap, I forgot
I was taking that.

Congrats, Finn.

You're back on the team,
I'm head cheerleader again.

Some kind of symmetry,
don't you think?

With all the nastiness
between you and I behind us,

I think we should be together.

We'd be a shoo-in
for Homecoming king and queen.

So what do you say?

You and me,
8:00, Breadstix?

Look, I'd be lying if I said I
didn't have feelings for you.

Probably always will.

But I'm not gonna get
back together with you.

There's someone else,
and you know who that is.

I'm asking you
to respect that.

I'm sorry.

I said what you wanted me to,
he shot me down.

So congrats.

Looks like he
really loves you.

All right.


I have a song that I've prepared
for the class.

Sorry, Rachel, no Britney.
I'm really happy that

her music has inspired
so many of you,

even if that
inspiration was

brought about
by a dangerous narcotic.

And I think

we've all come to appreciate
her music and celebrity

so much more this week.

But honestly, she's just not us.

I'm devastated.

I can't believe we only
did one Britney number.

I was actually gonna do

something from
our original assignment

last week: Adult Contemporary.

But this is just
a little bit more Young Adult.


Great, Rachel.

Well, let's hear it.

I'd like to dedicate this
song to my boyfriend, Finn.

I was wrong.

I shouldn't try
to control you.

I've just... I've never been
this happy before.

And I realize that

I was trying to hold onto how
you were making me feel so much,

that I was strangling you in
my hands, like a little bird.

I get now, that in order for
this relationship to work,

I have to open up my hands
and let you fly free.

Finn can fly?

- Really?
- Wait, I thought I was

the only one getting
the solos from now on.

Next week, I'm going to be

performing a musical number
by Ke$ha.

♪ When I was younger, ♪

♪ I saw my daddy cry ♪

♪ and curse at the wind. ♪

♪ He broke his own heart
as I watched ♪

♪ as he tried to
reassemble it. ♪

♪ And my mama swore ♪

♪ she would never
let herself forget, ♪

♪ and that was the day
that I promised ♪

♪ I'd never sing of love
if it does not exist. ♪

♪ But darling, you are
the only exception. ♪

♪ You are the only exception. ♪

♪ You are the only exception. ♪

♪ You are the only exception. ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ I've got a tight grip
on reality, ♪

♪ but I can't let go of
what's in front of me here. ♪

♪ I know you're leaving
in the morning. ♪

♪ When you wake up,
leave me with ♪

♪ some kind of proof
it's not a dream. ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪

♪ You are the only exception. ♪

♪ You are the only exception. ♪

♪ You are the only exception. ♪

♪ You are the only exception. ♪

♪ You are the only exception. ♪

♪ You are the only exception. ♪

♪ And I'm on my way
to believing... ♪

♪ Oh... ♪

♪ And I'm on my way
to believing... ♪