Glee (2009–2015): Season 2, Episode 16 - Original Song - full transcript

Saddened by the death of the Warblers' mascot bird, Kurt speaks out against Blaine singing every single solo. To his surprise, Blaine agrees and insists they perform duets, privately adding that's also an excuse to spend time together. Blaine also convinces Kurt's father it's time to contribute to his sexual education. Sue successfully spreads a rumor so as to trick Will into opting for originally composed songs, a very tall order, while her choir caters to the jury members' bizarre tastes. Fin coaches Rachel to write from real life emotions.

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♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Bop, bop, can't get it... ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ So scared of breaking it ♪

♪ that you won't let it bend. ♪

♪ And I wrote 200 letters
I will never send. ♪

♪ Sometimes these cuts are so
much deeper than they seem. ♪



♪ You'd rather cover up,
I'd rather let them be. ♪

♪ So let me be, ♪

♪ and I'll set you free. ♪

♪ I am in misery. ♪

♪ There ain't nobody
who can comfort me. ♪

♪ Oh, yeah,
why won't you answer me? ♪

♪ The silence
is slowly killing me. ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

♪ Girl, you really got me bad. ♪

♪ You really got me bad... ♪

♪ Now I'm gonna get you back. ♪

♪ I'm gonna get you back, yeah. ♪

♪ You say your faith is shaken, ♪

♪ and you may be mistaken. ♪



♪ You keep me wide awake
and waiting for the sun. ♪

♪ Waiting for the sun... ♪

♪ I'm desperate and confused, ♪

♪ so far away from you. ♪

♪ I'm getting there,
I don't care where. ♪

♪ I have to roll. ♪

♪ Why do you do
what you do to me? ♪

♪ Yeah, why won't you
answer me, answer me? ♪

♪ Yeah... ♪

♪ I am in misery. ♪

♪ There ain't nobody
who can comfort me. ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪

♪ Girl, you really got me bad. ♪

♪ You really got me bad... ♪

♪ Now I'm gonna get you back. ♪

♪ I'm gonna get you back. ♪

Hey, Regionals? You've just met
our opening number.

That was so good.

How did you manage to find

a Burberry-esque
canary cage cover?

Canaries don't
like cold weather.

Especially Pavarotti.

So, what did you
think of the song?

Can I be really
honest with you?

Because it comes
from a place of caring.

Been there, done that.

Look, you're amazing, Blaine.

Your solos are breathtaking.

They're also numerous.

Kurt, the council decides
who gets the solos.

Do I detect a little jealousy?

No, you detect
a lot of jealousy.

Look, Blaine,

sometimes I don't feel
like we're the Warblers.

I feel like we're
Blaine and the Pips.

Okay, so, I really
took all of your notes

from "My Headband" to heart.

And I... I really
tapped into my pain

for this second song.

So come and sit down.

These are for you.
Just in case.

It's pretty emotional.

Don't be afraid,
if you need to...

Hit it.

♪ You've got just one egg. ♪

♪ You're not going
to make an omelet. ♪

♪ Flying just one way, ♪

♪ you're not going
to make a jet set. ♪

♪ Sister, brother,
wherefore art thou? ♪

♪ No need for bunk beds
in my bedroom now. ♪

♪ Oh, damn you, Dads. ♪

♪ Why did you settle
for only me? ♪

♪ I'm an only child. ♪

♪ More than enough for them,
but not enough for me. ♪

♪ Only child, only child,
only child... ♪

♪ The only Berry
on my family tree. ♪

It's called "Only Child."

Yeah, I got that. Uh...

It's better than "My Headband,"
that's for sure.

But it...

It still feels like you're
just playing scared.

You're only dealing
with the easy pain.

You got to get to
the hard stuff.

That's what's relatable
to everybody.

I... I'm perfectly capable
of accessing my pain.

- I cry every time I sing a solo.
- Exactly.

When you sing, I can feel it.

I guess you just got to go

inside yourself to wherever
the singing comes from,

and write from there.

Have you even
ever tried to write a song?

Sometimes I worry about Finn.

I mean, how damaged

does a guy have to be
to be into someone

as annoying as Rachel?

Still, he is a good guy,

and I do really like him.

He's my first love,

and first loves are forever.

And another thing,

without him I'm never going
to get one of these.

I know what you're thinking.

"Prom queen?

"You're smart and super pretty

"and relatively sane
for a girl.

Does being prom queen
really matter to you?"

Well, it does.

Prom queens live, on average,

five years longer
than regular people.

It's probably
because they smile a lot,

and smiling has been proven
to ward off diseases.

But I can't do it without Finn.

He's a shoo-in for prom king,

and after winning the big game,

he'll help me land
crucial swing votes.

Amazingly, the only person
standing in my way

is her and her damn talent.

If I'm going to guarantee
that he doesn't stray with her,

I'm going to have
to play it right.

They say,
"Keep your friends close,

but your enemies closer."

Well, Rachel Berry,

you just got yourself
a new best friend.

Pavarotti?

Warblers! Warblers!
I am merely suggesting

that instead of wearing blue
ties with red piping,

we wear jackets with red ties

and blue piping
for the competition.

This is a kangaroo court!

Kurt, what's wrong?

It's Pavarotti.

Pavarotti is dead.

I suspect a stroke.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I know it's really stupid to
be upset about a bird, but...

He... He inspired me
with his optimism,

and his love of song.

He was my friend.

Now, I know today we need
to practice doo-wopping

behind Blaine while
he sings every solo

in the medley of P!nk songs,

but I'd like to sing a
song for Pavarotti today.

♪ Blackbird singing
in the dead of night, ♪

♪ take these broken wings
and learn to fly. ♪

♪ All your life, ♪

♪ you were only waiting
for this moment to arise. ♪

♪ Blackbird singing
in the dead of night, ♪

♪ take these sunken eyes
and learn to see. ♪

♪ All your life, ♪

♪ you were only waiting
for this moment to be free. ♪

♪ Blackbird, fly... ♪
♪ Blackbird, fly, fly... ♪

♪ Blackbird, fly... ♪
♪ Blackbird, fly, fly... ♪

♪ Into the light
of the dark black night. ♪

♪ Blackbird, fly... ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah... ♪

♪ Ah... ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, bom... ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da... ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da,
da, da, da... ♪

♪ Blackbird, fly... ♪
♪ Blackbird, fly, fly... ♪

♪ Blackbird, fly... ♪
♪ Blackbird, fly, fly... ♪

♪ Into the light
of the dark black night. ♪

♪ Blackbird, fly... ♪

♪ You were only waiting
for this moment to arise. ♪

♪ You were only waiting
for this moment to arise. ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪

Thank you.

Guys, I've got some bad news.

You know how
we decided on "Sing"

by My Chemical Romance
for Regionals?

Well, I hold in my hand a cease
and desist letter from the band.

We can't do it.

It was the perfect anthem.

How much do you want to bet

Coach Sylvester has something
to do with this?

One step ahead of you.

Do you know
anything about this, Sue?

I do. Now,
I met the drummer

from My Chemical Romance at a
drum circle at Daytona Beach,

Spring Break, 1996.

We had a brief affair.

And when I heard of your
song choice for Regionals,

well, I was compelled
to notify the band

about your long-running
legal battle with PETA.

That is not true.

You took away my Cheerios!

Consider this the opening
salvo of World War Sue.

So what are we going to do now?

I think we should write
original songs for Regionals.

All those in favor of voting
Rachel down a second time?

No. I think
Rachel is right.

This team works best
when we push ourselves

and do something
a little different.

That's true, but if all the other teams
are doing amazing songs

we're not going to be so good.

You're right.
We're not going to be as good.

We're going to be better.

We won't be using
other people's words or music.

It'll be our own.

Our own heart, soul,
not just our voices.

We have a really
talented songwriter

in our midst. Rachel.

I was thinking maybe you and I
could write a song together.

I'm with Quinn and Rachel.

I mean, if these two
can agree on something,

it's probably an idea
worth considering.

Wait, wait, so suddenly,

you two are writing the music
for Regionals? No way.

I think that everyone should
get a chance to write a song.

Santana's right.
We can do this.

What do you think,
Mr. Shue?

I think we're doing original
songs for Regionals.

Hey.

Can I ask you a question?

We used to be really close,
and I really miss being your friend.

Still waiting for the question.

- Did I do something wrong?
- No. Look, I don't know.

Did you?

All I know is you blew me off

to be with
Stumbles McCripplepants.

That's fine.

It's your loss.

'Cause now I get
the chance to write

an awesome heterosexual
song about Sam

that we're going
to sing at Regionals.

Wait, you're still dating Sam?

But you told me you
were in love with me.

I honestly don't know
what I was thinking.

Look, can you stop
staring at me?

I can't remember
my locker combo.

Well, well.

If it isn't Tweedle-Dumb
and Tweedle-Fake-Boobs.

You know, you can't
talk to us like that.

You're not our cheer
coach anymore.

I'm not anybody's
cheer-leading coach anymore.

You betrayed me,
and in case you haven't heard,

I like to play dirty.

I don't even remember
putting that in there.

You know,
I think Blaine's version

of the song is actually
better than the original.

But it's not
in his natural key, so...

- How dare you.
- Enough. I'm tired of this.

I agree.
I think we should just

let you pick the song
that you want to sing.

No, I'm tired of the Warblers
being all about me.

David, please make
sure everything

I'm about to say goes down
in the official minutes.

We are going to lose
at Regionals.

- What?!
- I am incredibly grateful

for the belief you've all given me,
as a junior member,

to lead you all in these
wonderful songs this year.

But, from what Kurt has told me
about New Directions,

I just know I can't
beat them on my own.

Which is why I propose
that we rearrange

our 11:00 number
and turn it into a duet.

To showcase other
talent in this group.

Why don't we just
play it on kazoos?

Point of order! Point of order!

Now, we all lost one
of our own this week.

Pavarotti's voice was
silenced by death,

and I don't want to silence
anyone else's voices in this group.

I think Pavarotti
would roll over

in his tiny, tiny,
little grave.

The placement of which
has yet to be determined.

All right, a vote.

Who's in favor
of Warbler Blaine's proposal

for a dual lead at Regionals?

Oh, can I put my name
on the audition list?

No.

No auditions.

I want
to sing the duet with Kurt.

That's ridiculous.

I mean, there are
so many great voices.

I mean, everyone deserves
a shot at that honor.

All in favor of Kurt being my
duet partner at Regionals?

Decided.

Congratulations, Kurt.

Congratulations.

All right, guys, let's hear it for
our first songwriting seminar.

While Quinn and Rachel
are hard at work,

we're gonna try to write
an anthem of our own.

Now, these are rhyming
dictionaries for all of you.

Mr. Shue?

Tina and I have been already
working on a song that I wrote.

Really?
That's amazing.

Well, can we hear it?

This is a song
that I wrote for Sam.

It's called,
"Trouty Mouth."

- Wait, what's it called?
- "Trouty Mouth."

♪ Guppy face, ♪

♪ trouty mouth. ♪

♪ Is that
how people's lips look ♪

♪ where you come from
in the South? ♪

♪ Grouper mouth, ♪

♪ froggy lips. ♪

♪ I love sucking
on those salamander lips. ♪

♪ Want to put a fish hook
in those lips so cherry red. ♪

♪ If you tried hard enough, ♪

♪ you could suck
a baby's head. ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

Okay. Can we stop?

- Stop with the mouth jokes.
- Sit down. I'm not finished.

Yes, you are. Mr. Shue,
we're not doing a song at Regionals

- called "Trouty Mouth."
- You know what?

I have to agree
with Sam on this one.

But such a good first effort.

I just don't think
it's got the, um,

epic feel we need
for Regionals.

Mr. Shue?
I wrote a song, too.

I wrote it for Lauren.

I know that when I sang
"Fat-Bottomed Girls,"

it might have hurt
her feelings a little bit,

but I think this
makes up for it.

It's got a bit of
a rockabilly feel,

so it could give us
an edge this weekend.

All right. Show
us what you got.

It's called "Big Ass... Heart."

♪ My girl went to the doctor ♪

♪ 'cause her heart
had palpitations. ♪

♪ Said, "Cut the carbs"
or else she'd end up ♪

♪ pushin' up carnations. ♪

♪ She stepped up on the scale ♪

♪ and the doctor said,
"Oh, Lordy! ♪

♪ "If you don't drop
a few, girl, ♪

♪ you won't make it
past age forty." ♪

♪ My girl said, "Hey,
looky on that fancy X ray chart." ♪

♪ Said the doctor, "Holy hell, ♪

♪ "that's one GD
big-ass heart." ♪

♪ I'm tellin' you, my friend, ♪

♪ my girl's got
a big-ass heart. ♪

♪ When she shops
for groceries ♪

♪ that heart gets
its own damn cart. ♪

♪ That big-ass heart
can pump two tons ♪

♪ of love through her chest, ♪

♪ and then sit down and win
a lovin' pie-eating contest. ♪

♪ I love that big-ass heart
so much I think it isn't fair. ♪

♪ Like how your heart
won't pay me back ♪

♪ for breaking all my chairs. ♪

♪ So sick with love, ♪

♪ I think I'm coming down
with rickets. ♪

♪ When that big-ass heart
flies coach ♪

♪ it has to pay
for two plane tickets. ♪

♪ Oh, that big-ass heart... ♪

♪ Oh, that big-ass heart... ♪

All right, guys, well,

let's, uh, let's make Puck's
song a contender,

but I don't totally
think we're there yet.

So, everyone, look at your
rhyming dictionaries,

and let's work on banging out
some songs that rock.

What do you want
to wear to prom?

Prom? What?

Look, I know you're
excited about Regionals.

So am I.
Wasn't I the one

that supported Rachel's
crazy original song idea?

Yeah. That was cool, by the way.

But whether we win
that or even Nationals,

it's not going to put you
and I back where we belong.

- Which is where?
- On top.

- On top of what?
- We need to get elected

for prom king and queen.

It's the ultimate status symbol.

So after Regionals,
we'll go public

with our relationship,
and start the campaign.

I don't think
that's a good idea.

Why?

Because of Rachel?

She's really fragile right now.

I just think we should wait
until after Nationals.

Okay, first,
it was after Regionals.

Now it's after Nationals?

Do you want to be
in this relationship or not?

Whoa. Scary Quinn.
Okay. Uh...

- After Regionals.
- After Regionals.

What's that?

I'm decorating
Pavarotti's casket.

Well, finish up.

I have the perfect song for our number,
and we should practice.

Do tell.

"Candles" by Hey Monday.

I'm impressed.

You're usually so Top 40.

Well, I just wanted something
a little more emotional.

Why did you pick me
to sing that song with?

Kurt, there is a moment...

When you say to yourself,

"Oh, there you are.

I've been looking
for you forever."

Watching you do
"Blackbird" this week...

That was a moment for me.

About you.

You move me, Kurt.

And this duet
would just be an excuse

to spend more time with you.

Um, we should...
We should practice.

I thought we were.

♪ Momma said,
"Get yo ass out of bed." ♪

♪ I said, "Hell to the no." ♪

♪ Said, "Wash yo
grandma's nasty head." ♪

♪ I said, "Hell to the no." ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ They tried
to take away my tots. ♪

♪ I said, "Hell to the no." ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the one
that calls the shots, ♪

♪ and I say, "Hell to the no." ♪

♪ Oh! ♪

♪ Try to make me
change my weave? ♪

♪ Well, I got something
up my sleeve. ♪

♪ It's a whole lotta
whoa, oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh, hell to the no,
no, no, no, no, no... ♪

♪ No, no, I said
whoa, oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh, hell to the no,
no, no, no, no, no... ♪

♪ No, no... ♪

♪ Tell me I should
eat my Wheaties. ♪

♪ You know what? ♪

♪ Hell to the no. ♪
♪ Hell to the no. ♪

♪ Tell me I'll come down
with diabetes. ♪

♪ Hell to the no, oh, oh... ♪

♪ Hell to the no. ♪

♪ Try to make me
change my eats. ♪

♪ But, baby,
that just isn't me. ♪

♪ I'm a whole lot of
whoa, oh, oh... ♪

♪ Oh, oh, hell to the no, no... ♪

♪ No, no, no, no... ♪
♪ No, no, no, no... ♪

♪ Take me, you can leave me,
but I won't ever change. ♪

♪ If you don't like the rules,
don't play my game. ♪

♪ Time for me
to get R-E-S-P-E-C-T. ♪

♪ But if I don't,
it's all in me. ♪

♪ Hey... ♪

♪ Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪

♪ Hell to the no,
no, no, no, no, no... ♪

♪ No, no... ♪
♪ Aw, hell to the no. ♪

Mercedes.

Really, really good.

- Thank you.
- But, um...

"But," my butt, Mr. Shue.

- That song was amazing.
- No, I agree.

I'm just not sure that
it's Regionals material.

Mr. Shue,

I wrote another verse
of "Trouty Mouth."

No, no, no.
Guys, guys.

Just... Just think about it.

What's your favorite
song of all time?

- "My Headband."
- Alanis Morissette's

- "You Oughta Know."
- "What's Going On," Marvin Gaye.

Puckerman, you're on a roll.

Okay, and what are
all those songs about?

Headbands.

All these songs
come from a place of pain.

The greatest songs
are about hurt,

and that's the
side of yourselves

I want you to get
in touch with.

That should be easy.

Coach Sylvester
tortures us for no reason

and tries to get the entire
school to hate us.

Yesterday, she filled Britt's
and my locker with dirt.

Okay. Okay, slow down.
Slow down.

She literally
throws sticks at me.

- What are you doing?
- Throwing sticks at your head.

I'm going to crush
you at Regionals.

Okay, what else? What else?

She called
the Ohio Secretary of State,

saying she was me
and that I want

to legally change my name
to "Tina Cohen-Loser."

She...

Okay, and how does
that make you feel?

Well, at first it hurts, but...

Then it mostly makes
you want to win.

Guys...

I think you may have
just found your song.

Now let's get to writing.

- You're late.
- We're friends, right?

- Yeah, I guess so.
- I mean, like

everything happened last year.

You gave your baby to my mom.

We kind of bonded
over it, right?

What's your point?

My point is... Is that
I know we haven't spent

a lot of time
together this year,

but I thought that
we were close enough

to be honest with each other.

- Go ahead, ask me.
- Fine.

Are you and Finn together?

Yes.

It's been a couple of weeks.

It's like Groundhog's Day
with you, Rachel.

How many times do you have
to make the same mistake

to realize it's not going
to work out?

Thank you for being
honest with me, Quinn,

and... And I'm happy
for you and Finn,

but don't go and try
to rewrite history, okay?

It was real between us.
He chose me over you.

And how long did that last for?

Why are you being so mean?

Do you want to know
how this story plays out?

I get Finn, you get heartbroken,

and then Finn and I stay here
and start a family.

I'll become a successful
real estate agent,

and Finn will take over
Kurt's dad's tire shop.

You don't belong here, Rachel,

and you can't hate me
for helping

to send you on your way.

No.

I'm not giving up on Finn.

It's not over between us.

Yes, it is!

You're so frustrating,

and that is why you can't
write a good song...

Because you live in this
little schoolgirl fantasy of life.

Rachel, if you keep looking
for that happy ending,

then you are never going
to get it right.

So we're done with that,

and why don't we just
return to our work, okay?

No, I think I'm gonna write
this song on my own.

Hey, buddy, you getting
ready to load up the bus

and head off to Regionals?

- Awesome.
- You seem awfully chipper.

Oh, I am, William,

I am positively drunk
with confidence.

In fact, I am so sure
of my Glee Club's impending win,

I'm gonna drop
a little turdlet on you.

I lied to you last week, William.

I forged that letter
from My Chemical Romance.

Also, I didn't sleep
with their drummer.

The drummer I slept with

was that guy
from Jimmy Eat World.

Actually, Sue,
I'm glad you lied.

Gave my kids the
opportunity to try

- their hand at songwriting.
- Oh, so you're trying to lose.

You have an awful lot
of confidence for a rookie, Sue.

William, while your kids
are singing songs about

blackheads and eczema,

I will be unleashing a set list

custom-made for that
panel of judges.

And now,

our judges for the 2011 Midwest
Regional Show Choir Competition.

Local broadcasting legend and
man about town Rod Remington!

Recent Tea Party candidate
and home-schooler

Tammy Jean Albertson!

And former exotic dancer
and current Carmelite nun,

author of the upcoming Lima
Press memoir Habit to Habit,

Sister Mary Constance!

And now,
from Westvale High School,

let's have a warm welcome for
Aural Intensity!

♪ Jesus is a friend of mine. ♪

♪ Jesus is my friend. ♪

♪ Jesus is a friend of mine. ♪

♪ I have a friend in Jesus. ♪

♪ Jesus is a friend of mine. ♪

♪ Jesus is my friend. ♪

♪ Jesus is a friend of mine. ♪

♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ He taught me how to live ♪

♪ my life as it should be. ♪

♪ He taught me
how to turn my cheek ♪

♪ when people laugh at me. ♪

♪ I've had friends before, ♪

♪ and I can tell you that ♪

♪ He's one
who will never leave you flat. ♪

♪ Hallelujah! ♪

♪ Jesus is a friend of mine. ♪

♪ Jesus is my friend. ♪

♪ Jesus is a friend of mine. ♪

♪ Friend of mine, friend of mine,
friend of mine, whoo! ♪

Has anyone ever
literally died on stage?

Are you nervous?

Please don't judge me.

This is the first time
I've had a solo

in front
of a competition audience.

I have this nightmare that
I'm going to forget the lyrics

or I'm going to sing

and nothing is
going to come out.

Okay, you can judge me.

I think it's adorable.

I think you're adorable,

and the only people that are
going to be dying tonight

are the people
in that audience,

because you and I are going
to kill this thing.

- Come on, let's go.
- And now, from Westerville, Ohio,

the Dalton Academy Warblers!

♪ Doo doo doo doo
doo doo doo doo... ♪

♪ Doo doo doo doo
doo doo... ♪

♪ The power lines went out ♪

♪ and I am all alone. ♪

♪ But I don't really care at all. ♪

♪ Not answering my phone. ♪

♪ All the games you played, ♪

♪ the promises you made. ♪

♪ Couldn't finish
what you started. ♪

♪ Only darkness still remains. ♪

♪ Lost sight, couldn't see ♪

♪ when it was you and me. ♪

♪ Blow the candles out. ♪

♪ Looks like a solo tonight. ♪

♪ I'm beginning
to see the light. ♪

♪ Blow the candles out. ♪

♪ Looks like a solo tonight. ♪

♪ But I think
I'll be all right. ♪

♪ One day, you will wake up ♪

♪ with nothing but your sorrys. ♪

♪ Someday... ♪
♪ And someday ♪

♪ you will get back ♪

♪ everything you gave me... ♪

♪ Blow the candles out. ♪

♪ Looks like a solo tonight. ♪

♪ I'm beginning
to see the light. ♪

♪ Blow the candles out. ♪
♪ Candles out... ♪

♪ Looks like a solo tonight. ♪
♪ Solo tonight... ♪

♪ But I think
I'll be all right. ♪

♪ Right, right,
turn off the lights. ♪

♪ We gonna lose
our minds tonight. ♪

♪ What's the dealie, yo? ♪

♪ I love when it's
all too much. ♪

♪ 5:00 a.m., turn the radio up. ♪

♪ Where's the rock and roll? ♪

♪ Party crasher,
penny snatcher. ♪

♪ Call me up
if you are gangsta. ♪

♪ Don't be fancy,
just get dancey. ♪

♪ Why so serious? ♪

♪ So raise your glass ♪

♪ if you are wrong
in all the right ways. ♪

♪ All my underdogs, ♪

♪ we will never be, never be ♪

♪ anything but loud and
nitty-gritty dirty little freaks. ♪

♪ Won't you come on and come on
and raise your glass? ♪

♪ Just come on and come on
and raise your glass. ♪

♪ Raise your glass... ♪

♪ So if you're
too school for cool ♪

♪ and you're treated
like a fool... ♪

♪ Like a fool... ♪

♪ You could choose
to let it go. ♪

♪ Let it go... ♪

♪ We can always, we can always ♪

♪ party on our own. ♪

♪ So raise your... ♪

♪ So raise your glass
if you are wrong ♪

♪ in all the right ways. ♪

♪ All my underdogs, ♪

♪ we will never be, never be ♪

♪ anything but loud and
nitty-gritty dirty little freaks. ♪

♪ Won't you come on and come on
and raise your glass for me? ♪

♪ Just come on and come on
and raise your glass... ♪

♪ For me. ♪

Hey.

Break a leg.

Last time we were here,
you told me you loved me.

I really like your song.

Listen carefully,
because I mean every word of it.

And now,
from William McKinley High

in Lima, Ohio,
the New Directions!

♪ What have I done? ♪

♪ I wish I could run ♪

♪ away from this ship
going under. ♪

♪ Just trying to help, ♪

♪ hurt everyone else, ♪

♪ now I feel the weight
of the world is ♪

♪ on my shoulders. ♪

♪ What can you do when
your good isn't good enough ♪

♪ and all that you touch
tumbles down? ♪

♪ 'Cause my best intentions
keep making a mess of things. ♪

♪ I just wanna fix it somehow. ♪

♪ But how many times
will it take? ♪

♪ Oh, how many times
will it take ♪

♪ for me to get it right? ♪

♪ To get it right? ♪

Oh, my God,
they're doing original songs.

♪ Can I start again
with my faith shaken? ♪

♪ 'Cause I can't go back
and undo this. ♪

♪ I just have to stay
and face my mistakes. ♪

♪ But if I get stronger
and wiser, ♪

♪ I'll get through this. ♪

♪ What can you do when
your good isn't good enough ♪

♪ and all that you touch
tumbles down? ♪

♪ But how many times
will it take? ♪

♪ Oh, how many times will it
take for me to get it right? ♪

♪ So I throw up my fists, ♪

♪ throw a punch in the air ♪

♪ and accept the truth
that sometimes life isn't fair. ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll send out a wish. ♪

♪ Yeah, I'll send up a prayer. ♪

♪ Then finally someone will see
how much I care... ♪

♪ What can you do when
your good isn't good enough? ♪

♪ and all that you touch
tumbles down? ♪

♪ Oh, my best intentions
keep making a mess of things. ♪

♪ I just wanna fix it somehow. ♪

♪ But how many times
will it take? ♪

♪ Oh, how many times
will it take ♪

♪ to get it right? ♪

♪ To get it right? ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,
we're the New Directions!

♪ Yeah, you may think
that I'm a zero. ♪

♪ But hey, everyone you wanna be
probably started off like me. ♪

♪ You may say that I'm a freak show. ♪
I don't care.

♪ But hey,
give it just a little time. ♪

♪ I bet you're gonna change
your mind. ♪

♪ All of the dirt
you've been throwing my way, ♪

♪ it ain't so hard to take. ♪

♪ That's right. ♪

♪ 'Cause I know one day
you'll be screaming my name, ♪

♪ and I'll just look away. ♪

♪ That's right. ♪
Whoo!

♪ Just go ahead and hate on me
and run your mouth ♪

♪ so everyone can hear. ♪

♪ Hit me with the worst you got
and knock me down. ♪

♪ Baby, I don't care. ♪

♪ Keep it up and soon enough
you'll figure out ♪

♪ you wanna be... ♪

♪ You wanna be a loser like me. ♪

♪ A loser like me. ♪

♪ Push me up
against the locker, ♪

♪ and hey,
all I do is shake it off. ♪

♪ I'll get you back
when I'm your boss. ♪

♪ I'm not thinking
'bout you haters, ♪

♪ 'Cause hey,
I could be a superstar. ♪

♪ I'll see you
when you wash my car. ♪

♪ All of the dirt
you've been throwing my way, ♪

♪ it ain't so hard to take. ♪

♪ That's right. ♪

♪ 'Cause I know one day
you'll be screaming my name, ♪

♪ and I'll just look away. ♪

♪ That's right. ♪

♪ Just go ahead and hate on me
and run your mouth ♪

♪ so everyone can hear. ♪

♪ Hit me with the worst you got
and knock me down. ♪

♪ Baby, I don't care. ♪

♪ Keep it up and soon enough
you'll figure out ♪

♪ you wanna be... ♪

♪ You wanna be
a loser like me. ♪

♪ Just go ahead and hate on me
and run your mouth ♪

♪ so everyone can hear. ♪

♪ Hit me with the worst you got
and knock me down. ♪

♪ Baby, I don't care. ♪

♪ Keep it up and soon enough
you'll figure out ♪

♪ you wanna be... ♪

♪ You wanna be a loser like me. ♪

♪ A loser like me. ♪

♪ A loser like me. ♪

Before we start, I would like
to say I am not a witch.

But, um,
I think it's fair to ask.

Do we have written proof
that these kids were born

in the United States of America?

For a nun, I'm pretty liberal.

But I'm barely a nun.

In fact, I just joined because
I needed a place to live.

Bless you!

The convent is the one place I
knew I could stay off the pole.

But my question is this.

That Dalton Academy...
Is it a gay school,

or is it just a school
that appears gay?

Could I add a dash of Rod
to this lady soup?

My hairdresser is a gay,

and for fifteen years,
he's been with his partner,

also a hairdresser.

I see no reason why they
shouldn't be allowed to marry

and raise a family
of beautiful wigs.

I liked the duet
the two boys from Dalton sang.

Oh, boys shouldn't do a duet.

The last thing we need
to do is send a message

to children that "gay is okay."

It is not
a legitimate lifestyle,

and last time I checked,
it's not in the Constitution.

- What about that song about Jesus?
- Well, that should win.

Uh, uh, uh. No, no, no, no.

Now, that is just
cheap pandering.

I didn't even like to be pandered to
when I was a stripper!

Those New Directions
had it going on.

- Those songs were fresh.
- Those songs were terrible.

I am sorry,
but I'm a politician,

and when I lost
my last election...

and there will be a recount...
I didn't go around singing

about being a loser.

I Twittered
that Obama is a terrorist.

- Oh, no, you didn't!
- I had to. It's a fact.

- Oh, oh, gee.
- Okay, ladies, I've heard enough.

Let's... vote.

And now, to announce our winner,

Lieutenant Governor Stevens' wife,
Carla Turlington-Stevens!

My husband is verbally abusive,

and I have been
drinking since noon.

I'm bored.
Let's just see who won, huh?

The New Directions!

You're going to Nationals
in New York!

Farewell, sweet prince.

I'm so sorry, Kurt.

I know this is really
upsetting for you.

It reminds you of your
mom's funeral, doesn't it?

The casket was bigger,

but yes.

It's not just that, though.

Honestly, I'm upset that
we lost at Regionals.

Well, the competition
season's over,

but we'll still get to perform.

We do nursing home shows
all the time.

And do you know how many Gaps
there are in Ohio?

Tons.

Yeah, I just really...
really wanted to win.

You did win.

So did I.

We got each other
out of all this.

That beats a lousy trophy,
don't you think?

I'll show you the video
when you get home.

Have fun in the sweat lodge.

Namaste to you, too.

Okay. Bye.

Ms. Holliday sends her best,
and can't wait

to congratulate you
all in person

when she gets back
from her meditation retreat.

Now, we all know
that winning Regionals

was a team effort, and Nationals
isn't going to be any different.

But like in sports,

every winning team has a player
that rises above

to help carry their teammates
to victory... The MVP.

And I would like to start a tradition
of honoring that player

after every one
of our competitions.

So, per a unanimous vote

by all of you,
our Regionals MVP is...

Miss Rachel Berry!

Come on up.

Yeah!

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.

- If I could just say a few words?
- Sure.

And here she goes,
making me regret voting for her.

Well, first of all,
I just want to say

how amazing
the song you guys wrote was.

I... I was so inspired.

You know, it's...
It's funny.

I've won a lot of trophies
before for singing competitions

and dancing competitions,

but I've always felt
like the girl

who never gets the brass ring.

And maybe I never will.

But today and at Regionals,

the way you guys believed in me

and... took a chance with me...

All I've ever wanted was
to feel special

and to feel chosen,
and I just, um...

I wanted to thank you guys
so much for giving me that.

So... That's all.

MVP!