Glee (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - Vitamin D - full transcript

Will fears that the kids take victory for granted and won't perform any more. He tries to challenge them by opposing boys and girls in a contest to choose the last song. Will's wife Terri gets jealous and schemes to be made school nurse. However unqualified, she systematically prescribes medication.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Here's what happened last week.

Rachel and the Glee Club
know that Quinn's pregnant...

but they all think Finn's the father,
when really, it's Puck. Yikes.

And Terri's only fake pregnant and wants
Quinn to give her her baby so Will won't find out.

How come you haven't had
any morning sickness?

Also, Ken is dating Emma,
but she's really got eyes for Mr. Schue.

- And that's what you missed on...
- ?? Glee ??

A- five, six, seven, eight.

Step, turn, out.
And it's ball-change. Step-ball-change.

Step, you, you, you, you.
Ba, ba, ba. Turn...

Come on, guys.
You're sleep-walking on me here.

Gimme some energy.

- We've got sectionals in two...
- Please. Sectionals is gonna be a breeze.

Maybe so...

but if we coast through sectionals,
we're gonna get killed at regionals.

We have got to be on our game.

Sorry. Funny YouTube.
It's a grape-stomping one.

The kids have gotten really complacent.

It's like the fire has totally gone out.

Um, I'm sorry. You've just...

You've got a little mustard
in your cute, Kirk Douglas chin dimple.

Uh... Ah?

- Um...
- Did I get it?

Here. Let me... Hold on.



Um, so.

Uh, when did...
When did this start to happen?

A week ago.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

- No, no, no, no.
- Great news, guys.

Just got the competition bracket for
sectionals, and we are in really good shape.

There's only two other teams.
If we beat them, we make it to regionals.

- Yeah.
- Who are the other teams?

Drumroll, please, Finn.

School for the Deaf in Dayton,
and some place called Jane Adams Academy.

Jane Adams? That's a halfway house...

- for girls just getting out of juvie.
- Th-Th-This is great.

People who can't hear what they're
singing, and criminals who don't care.

It's gonna be a cakewalk. High five.

I don't know. They think
they've got it in the bag...

so they've simply stopped trying.

I've got to figure out
some way to motivate them.

Okay, well, you, um...

You could... Well, what about a sticker board?

That's how my parents
got me to do chores when I was a kid.

All right, so I do a chore,
and then I get a star, and then...

Oh, dear God. Please... Please stop talking.

I'm trying desperately...

to ignore the treacly sweet
inanity of your asinine conversation...

but now I've got bile in my mouth.

I will hold my tongue no further.

You know what this is?
This is a list of my Cheerios.

Every week I pick someone at random,
and I kick 'em out.

Yeah, well, in Glee Club
we do things a little bit differently.

Oh, yeah, Will?
How's that workin' out for you?

You have to remember something.

We're dealing with children.

They need to be terrified.

It's like mother's milk to them.

Without it, their bones
won't grow properly.

So if you want results with a kid...

you find that competitive animal
within, and unleash it.

Okay. Ellen, that blouse is just insane.

Can't believe she's allowed
to teach at this school.

You know...

she may have a point.


Every one of these people or elements was
a champion in their own right...

but they used competing with each other
to make themselves even better.

I don't understand how lightning...

is in competition with
an above-ground swimming pool.

Just go with it. You guys
have become complacent.

You were great at the invitational...

but you gotta up your game
if you wanna get through sectionals.

Okay, split up.

Guys on the left side,
girls on the right side.

Let's go. Come on.

All right.


Here's the deal. Two teams...
Boys versus girls.

One week from today...

you will each perform
a mash-up of your choice.

- What's a mash-up?
- A mash-up is when you take two songs...

and mash 'em together to make an even
richer explosion of musical expression.

Boys will perform on Tuesday.
Girls the next day.

I want you guys to go all out, okay?
Costumes, choreography.

Whoever wins the competition...

- gets to choose the number
that we do for sectionals.
- Wait.

Who's gonna be the judge?

- Your gender makes you biased.
- Ahh.

There is going to be a celebrity judge.

- Who?
- You're gonna have to show up to find out.

- We got this in the bag.
- Totally.

I'm gonna start story-boarding
our choreography tonight.

Hey. Hope you guys are up
for this competition.

The girls look pretty pumped.

We're planning on smacking 'em down
like the hand of God.

Hey, Finn, you all right?
You seem a little out of it.

Yeah, I'm just a little worn out.

Come on, dude.
We're late for football practice.

Dear Journal. Feeling listless again today.

It began at dawn, when I tried...

to make a smoothie out of beef bones,
breaking my juicer.

And then at Cheerios practice, disaster.

It was unmistakable.

It was like spotting the first
spark on the Hindenburg.

A quiver. That quiver
will lose us nationals...

and without a championship,
I'll lose my endorsements...

and without those endorsements,
I won't be able to buy my hovercraft.

Feeling all right, Quinn?

I'm just really tired from Glee Club.

Glee Club!

Every time I try to destroy that clutch
of scab-eating mouth breathers...

it only comes back stronger, like some
sexually ambiguous horror movie villain.

Here I am, about to turn 30...

and I've sacrificed everything
only to be shanghaied...

by the bi-curious machinations of a cabal...

of doughy, misshapen teens.

Am I missing something, Journal?

Is it me?

Of course it's not me.

It's Will Schuester.

What is it about him, Journal?

Is it the arrogant smirk?

Is it the store-bought home perm?

You know, Journal,
I noticed something yesterday.

Of course...

It's coming clear to me now.

If I can't destroy the club,
I will have to destroy the man.

Let me be frank.

Your husband is hiding his kielbasa...

in a Hickory Farms gift basket
that doesn't belong to you.

What? With who?

Guidance counselor.
Real floozy and a man-eater.

Wears creepy broaches like the kind
my nana was buried in. More tea.

- Oh, sorry.
- Oh, it's the same old song.

- Wife puts on a couple extra pounds...
- I'm pregnant.

Oh, that's no excuse.

I've always thought the desire to procreate
showed deep, personal weakness.

Me... Never wanted kids.

Don't have the time.
Don't have the uterus.

- Are you sure about this?
- A woman always knows.

- Yeah.
- Let me put it to you this way.

If it's not a full-blown affair, well,
it's certainly heading in that direction.

You need a machete to cut through
the haze of lust that surrounds them.

Oh, God. What am I gonna do?

I think you should both pack up
and move out of the district.

Unless you wanna lose your man
to a mentally ill...

ginger pygmy with eyes like a bush baby.

Now, you're absolutely sure about this?
I mean, you have proof?

Get into that school, and sniff out...

those sex pheromones for yourself.

We happen to have an opening.

Our school nurse,
Mrs. Lancaster, is in a coma.

Oh, she took a terrible tumble
down the stairwell yesterday.


- But I'm not a nurse. I work at Sheets 'N' Things.
- I'm not an American citizen.

I was born in the Panama Canal Zone,
but I managed...

to get a passport
and run for office twice.

My advice to you,
if you wanna keep your husband...

Get creative.

Mrs. Schuester, I appreciate your interest
in the nursing position...

but your previous experience
is limited to folding hand towels.

As assistant manager
at Sheets 'N' Things...

I've had first aid training. Mm-hmm.

- I've also used a defibrillator.
- Huh.

So what did you want to talk to me about?

Oh. Good news.

I figured out a way
to get the kids motivated.

They're gonna compete
against each other in a glee-off.

- Oh.
- And guess who the celebrity judge is gonna be.

- You.
- Me?

You are the most honest
and impartial person I know.

Well, isn't this a surprise.

Terri, wh-what are you doing here?

Hi. I don't think
we've been properly introduced.

I'm Terri Schuester, Will's pregnant wife.

- Hi.
- Oh, honey...

- Someone got a little lipstick on your cup.
- Sorry.

I got it.

Um, is-is everything okay, Terri?

- You-You never visit me at work.
- Oh, I'm not visiting.

No. You've been so stressed
about our finances lately...

that I thought I would pitch in
by getting a second job.

I'm the new school nurse.

But you're not a nurse.

- You don't have any training.
- Oh, please, Will.

It's a public school.

Isn't this gonna be great?

And this means that I'm gonna
be around all the time now.

Know your routes.

Now, that is the key
to this play, gentlemen.

The receivers run
the fly route downfield...

and then block as the play develops, okay?

Know your assignments. This is not...

I'm losing it. I'm tired all the time.

I can't keep my eyes open.

That's your only job,
is to know your assignments.

- No sharps, and no flats.
- I know how lucky I am...

Captain of the football team, Glee stud.

I know I should be excited about Quinn.

She's hot, popular,
and she's carrying my baby and all...

but I can't get Rachel out of my head.

She kind of freaks me out
in a Swimfan kind of way...

but she can really sing
and her body is smokin' ...

if you're not into boobs.

My body's a mess.
I found a hair on my ear the other day...

and I have to rub Biofreeze on my shins
a couple times a day.

Growing pains.

It smells pretty bad,
but I mask it with Drakkar Noir.

Being a guy my age is tough.

Between Glee and football
and school and being popular...

I'm just kind of overwhelmed.

Everyone wants something from me,
and I don't have the energy to do it all.

I don't know how important people
like presidents...

or newscasters or mob bosses do it.

My mom says I'm stretched too thin...

so I gave up homework,
but that didn't help.

All I know is, last night
I got vaporized on level two.

Level two! And I didn't even
have the energy to care.

He's drooling.

Dude, wake up.

Sure, yeah. That sounds good.

- I said, we can't let those girls beat us.
- Sorry.

Sometimes when I'm thinking real hard,
it helps to close my eyes.

We're doing a mash-up of"It's My Life"
and Usher's "Confessions."

We should get some trash can lids
and stomp the yard up in this piece.

Puck, with respect, you're more helpful
when you don't contribute.

Dude, what's wrong with you?
Go see the nurse.

Every day I say I have a headache.
I sleep for three hours.

I haven't attended
a math class in two years.

Oh. Thanks, guys.

Keep up the good work.

Uh, okay, girls.
We need to get started.

- We're getting warmed up.
- Where's Quinn?

Probably down at the mall
looking for elastic-waist pants.

Mr. Schuester's right, you guys.
We can't get complacent.

- Chill out.
- I already picked the songs.

We're gonna do a mash-up of"Halo"
and "Walking on Sunshine."

- Yeah, that was my idea.
- Whatever.

Come on. We can do this in our sleep.

You think those six dudes
are gonna give us any competition?

- I say we just wing it.
- We can't just wing it.

All those in favor of winging it?

All those opposed?

Looks like the ayes have it.

Hi. How can I help you?

- Hey, Mrs. Schuester.
- Uh-huh.

- I'm Finn Hudson. I'm in Glee with your husband.
- Well, hi, Finn.

Oh, wait a minute.
Are you the one who's dating Quinn Fabray?

- Yeah. Why?
- Oh, you have really good bone structure.

Yeah. Um, I've been really tired lately...

and I was wondering if I could lie down
in here for a while.

Why don't you have a seat.

Why don't you tell me
a little bit about your sleep habits.

- What time do you go to bed?
- Um, I don't know.

Usually after "Skinemax"
starts playing regular movies again.

And I'm normally tired, but lately...

I can't just fall asleep.
It's like my brain won't shut up.

Well, what are you thinking about?

Oh, you can be honest with me.

There's a code of silence in my office.

- Okay, uh, football plays...
- Uh-huh.

um, girls, dance steps...

- girls.
- Girls?

- But you're dating Quinn Fabray.
- Yeah, but...

- Do you think a guy can be into two girls at once?
- No.

And remember, flirting is cheating.

And the revenge of the jilted woman
is usually pretty messy.

- So can I take my nap now?
- Do you want to sleep through your life, Finn?

No, but I read once that teenagers
need more sleep than infants.

When I was in high school,
I captained the cheerleading squad...

I kept a perfect 4.0 G.P.A.,
I cultivated my popularity...

and I maintained a loving relationship...

with the boy who
would become my husband.


I don't even know how I did that.

Wait a minute.

Yes, I do.

Pseudo ephedrine.

It's the stuff they put in decongestants
to make them non-drowsy.

It's kind of like a... Well, like a vitamin.

I would pop two of these blue meanies
every morning...

and then I would be a firecracker
for the rest of the day.

Are they safe?

They're over-the-counter.
They stock them next to the candy bars.

Sweetie, I'm the school nurse.

I know what I'm doing.

Hey, guys, how's it goin' ?

God, it's a beautiful day.
Let's run through the number.

I can't wait to do the number.
I'm ready and excited.

You guys stand up!
Come on. Let's get this joint jumping.

Has your soul been taken over
by caffeinated space aliens?

No, just visited the school nurse.

Got this great vitamin. I feel fantastic.
I can't wait to do the number.

Let's do the number, and then
afterwards we can build a house...

for Habitat for Humanity.

- What kind of vitamin?
- Vitamin C?

Vogue magazine says it boosts energy
levels and brightens the complexion.

Vitamin D. And I got you guys some.

?? This ain't a song
for all the brokenhearted ??

?? No silent prayer
for the faith departed ??

?? And I ain't gonna be
just a face in the crowd ??

?? You're gonna hear my voice
when I shout it out loud ??

?? It's my life ??

?? It's now or never ??

?? I ain't gonna live forever ??

?? I just wanna live
while I'm alive ??

?? It's my life ??

- ?? These are my confessions ??
- ?? And just when I thought I said all I could say ??

?? My chick on the side
said she got one on the way ??

- ?? Now, my confessions ??
- ?? If I'm gonna tell it, then I gotta tell it all ??

?? I damn near cried
when I got that phone call ??

?? I'm so thrown
I don't know what to do ??

?? But to give part two of my ??

?? Better stand tall
when they're callin' you out ??

?? Don't bend, don't break
Baby, don't back down ??

?? These are my confessions ??

?? It's now or never ??

?? I ain't gonna live forever ??

?? These are my confessions ??

?? I just wanna live
while I'm alive ??

?? It's my life ??

?? Just when I thought I said
all I could say ??

?? My chick on the side
said she got one on the way ??

- ?? These are my confessions ??
- ?? I just wanna live while I'm alive ??

?? It's my life ????

- Awesome, guys.
- Yeah!

Geez, I didn't know you had that in you.

It's like somebody slipped
something in your juice boxes.

Ooh. You ladies better bring it tomorrow.

Otherwise, whoo!

We've got an opening number
for sectionals.


Haven't seen you at Glee rehearsals.

I'm not Superwoman.

I know Glee is your whole life,
but I have the Cheerios.

I'm on honor roll. I have friends.

You don't have to be embarrassed.

No one at Glee is gonna judge you.

Look, I know everyone expects us
to be enemies and be in competition...

but I don't hate you.

Why not? I've been awful to you.

That was before you knew
what it felt like to be me...

an outsider.

More people are gonna start
finding out about this...

and you're gonna need
friends who can relate.

How can you relate
to what I'm going through?

You don't think people whisper
about me in the lunchrooms...

or draw pornographic
pictures of me on the bathroom walls?

That was me, actually.

Look, I don't agree
with the choice you're making...

but you're gonna need Glee.

You have seven months of your youth left.

You should enjoy it. And let's face it.

In a couple of months
that cheerleading uniform isn't gonna fit...

and we're gonna be all you have left.

Just... come back to practice.

Boys versus girls... It's fun.

And we could certainly
use your voice right now.

You're actually a good singer, Quinn.

Occasionally sharp, but that's just
because you lack my years of training.

I would have tortured you
if the roles were reversed, you know.

I know.

Hi. It's Terri.

Hi, Terri. This is Howard Bamboo.

Yeah. I know that, Howard.

Okay, you know how
I'm moonlighting as a nurse?

- Well, I need a favor.
- O-Okay.

Go to the drugstore and get me
a couple of boxes of decongestant.

I'm running low, and I want the children
of McKinley to be healthy and happy.

- Uh, h-how many boxes?
- Um...



- Hey, Terri.
- Oh. Hi, Ken. What's up?

- Can we talk frank?
- Uh...


We have a problem. I think my girlfriend
is in love with your husband.

And I wouldn't be surprised
if the feeling was mutual.

- How long has this been going on?
- I don't know. A couple months.

I see 'em together all the time...

Laughing, talking.
All the stuff she never does with me.

You know, I knew something was up.

She couldn't keep her eyes off him
at those Acafella clown shows.

Listen. Has Will
ever mentioned her to you?

Oh, no, but he's too smart for that.
I mean, just barely, but still.

Oh, Ken, I gotta be honest with you.

I only took this job
so that I could keep an eye on him.

We've got to put a stop to this
so that I can get out of here.

See, I'm not built
to work five days a week.

Well, I been thinking, maybe...

that if you and I started
seeing each other on the side...

it might kind of cancel their thing out.

Are you two still having sex?

Because, you know,
when that stops, something is up.

We actually haven't, um, had sex yet.

She doesn't like to be touched.

- By me.
- Oh.

God, I love her so much.

Oh. Um, okay.

It's okay.

There, there.

Look at the two of us.

You pregnant, and me with psoriasis...

- Oh.
- and one testicle that won't descend.

- I don't know who to feel more sorry for.
- Okay, that's enough.

You know what?
You gotta stop being such a baby.

- I cannot fix this unless you're willing to man up.
- Okay. I'm sorry.

Here's what you're gonna do.

You're going straight to the nearest
department store to buy her an engagement ring.

Then you're gonna get down on one knee...

and you're gonna ask
that doe-eyed little harlot to marry you.

No. I can't do that.

What if she says no?
It might kill me.

Take two of these,
then nothing can stop you.

- I told you guys.
- We know.

You've been berating us
for the better part of an hour.

- Were they really that good?
- They were, Quinn. Look.

I was fine with arranging, choreographing
and directing this number free of charge.

But we underestimated the boys.
Their number will go to sectionals...

and once again I will be humiliated.

How were we supposed to know they'd
rock the house? They've never been good.

- How did they d-d-do it?
- The real question is, what were they on?

Though I've been grouped with the boys,
my allegiance still remains with you ladies.

They declined my offer
to do their hair in cornrows...

and all my artistic decisions
have been derided as too costly...

because they involve several varieties
of exotic bird feathers.

We all took something.

My man, got next week's plays
all worked out. Yeah!

Hey, Mr. Schue, got that paper
on Bariloche, Argentina, on your desk.

- But it's not due for two weeks.
- Damn straight. I am in the zone!

- Cheater.
- I don't know what you're talkin' about.

- You took performance enhancers
before your mash-up. Kurt told me.
- Ah.

It's deplorable, contemptible, and it's
just plain wrong. It's also cheating.

- As a matter of fact,
I'm gonna start calling you "F-Rod."
- Hey, back off.

I'm nothing like A-Rod, okay? I'd never
take steroids. They make your junk fall off.

Listen, Rachel. You don't know what it's
like for me, the kind of pressure I'm un...

Oh, we all have pressures. But you know
how I deal with it? The natural way...

with a rigorous diet and exercise routine.

I'm up at 6:00 a.m. every day.

I have my protein shake
with banana and flax seed oil...

and by 6:10 I'm on the elliptical.

- ?? Ain't nothin' gonna break-a my stride ??
- You know how I motivate myself?

Not with anything artificial.
I set a goal...

- and I won't rest until I reach it.
- ?? I've got to keep on movin' ????

Well, that's personal pressure. If you don't
meet your goal, you're the only one who loses.

I have to be the quarterback,
th-the male lead...

and deal with a pregnant girlfriend
who yells about ice cream.

So, yeah, maybe I helped
me and my teammates out a little bit...

but it's only because I'm sick and tired
of working so hard and still losing.

- Yeah, but winning by cheating isn't winning.
- Oh, don't give me that.

The reason you're so pissed about this is
you know you can't compete with us.

Oh, I'm offended by that accusation.

We haven't performed yet, but,
if I may say, our mash-up is spectacular!

It still isn't gonna be as good.
We're gonna win. You're gonna lose.

Deal with it.

Everyone gets a dose.

Oh, except for Quinn.
You get folic acid...


It's good for the baby.

Get the lead out, Howard.
We have patients waiting.

Are you sure we should be doing this?

Oh, it's over-the-counter. It's safe.

You can trust me. I'm a nurse.

It's good for you.

- What's up with Ken?
- I know. Doesn't he have a healthy glow?

I put him on a new vitamin regimen.

Is that safe? I mean,
you're not really a nurse, Terri.

Don't start criticizing my work, Will...

not when I'm just getting my sea legs.

Isn't this nice? I mean,
when is the last time...

- we got to have lunch together
on a weekday, hmm?
- Hmm.

Oh, honey, you have a little mustard... Just...

Geez, Terri.

- This is my workplace.
- I'm sorry, honey.

- It's just that my hormones
are going really crazy for you.
- Hey, look. Look.

You being here...
is not good for our marriage.

Spending time together
is not good for our marriage?

Not every minute.
There's no separation.

We used to come home every night
a-and talk about our day.

Now we have nothing to say to each other.

A lot of ants on the sidewalk today.

Pretty late in the season for that.

I think this is just forcing us
to expand our intellectual horizons.

- Where are you going?
- The bathroom.

- I'll come with you.
- No.

I love you, but... I need my space.


- Now's your chance, Ken.
- What, here? Now?

- Hi, Emma.
- Hi, Ken.

What are you doing?

Look, Emma. I know our relationship
hasn't been perfect.

You won't ride in my car.
I can't touch you above the wrist.

Remember, you cried for an hour that time my
elbow accidentally brushed by your breast.

But I think about you all day long.

I kiss that picture of us at the state
fair every night before I go to sleep.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
This isn't happening. This is a dream.

- Emma Pillsbury, this is not an engagement ring.
- Oh, thank goodness.

No. I mean, it is. But I-it's more than
that. It's... It's a promise.

Look, Emma. I know you have
this thing about being clean.

Now I can't promise to pick up my
underwear or squeegee the shower door...

but I can promise
to keep your life clean of sadness...

and loneliness... and any other dark
clouds that might float into it.

It's cubic zirconia. I know how affected
you were by Blood Diamond.

Emma Pillsbury... "M&M"...
will you marry me?

Thank you so much. It really is a pleasure.
While the boys chose songs that cast an eye...

inward on the irresponsible life choices
and sexual hunger of today's modern teens...

we have chosen a selection of songs that
speaks to the nation as a whole...

during these troubling times filled with
economic uncertainty and unbridled social woe.

Because if there's two things America needs
right now, that is sunshine and optimism.

Also angels.


?? Oh ??

?? Remember those walls I built ??

?? Well, baby, they're tumblin' down ??

?? They didn't even
put up a fight ??

?? They didn't even make a sound ??

?? It's like I've been awakened ??

?? Every rule I had you breakin' ??

?? It's the risk that I'm takin'
I am never gonna shut you out ??

?? Everywhere I'm lookin' now ??

?? I'm surrounded
by your embrace ??

- ?? Baby, I can feel your halo ??
- ?? Oh ??

- ?? And don't it feel good ??
- ?? I can feel your halo ??

- ?? Halo ??
- ?? I can see your halo ??

- ?? Halo ??
- ?? I can see your halo ??

- ?? Halo ??
- ?? I can see your halo, and don't it feel good ??

?? I used to think maybe you loved me ??

?? Now, baby, I'm sure ??

?? And I just can't wait till the day
when you knock on my door ??

?? Oh, now, now I'm walkin'
on sunshine, whoa ??

?? I'm walkin' on sunshine, whoa ??

- ?? And don't it feel good, Hey ??
- ?? I can feel your halo, halo ??

?? All right now, ho ??

- ?? I can feel your halo, halo ??
- ?? Hey, oh, yea-a-ah ??

- ?? I can feel your halo, halo ??
- ?? Hey, halo-o-o ??

- ?? I can feel your halo, halo ??
- ?? Hey, halo-o-o ??

?? I can see your halo, Halo-o-o ????

Whoo! Ha-ha!

Ladies, I... I don't even know what to say.

You did such a good job.

I don't know what you guys did,
but whatever it was, keep doing it!

Our celebrity judge
has her work cut out for her.

Hey, great job, guys.

Okay. All right.
Whoo. What the...


- Hey, Emma, um, can you walk with me?
- Yeah.

- Well, I think your, uh... think your plan worked.
- Yeah.

Instilling a sense
of good, clean competition in these kids...

I think, um...
I think you really motivated them.

Well, actually, I consider you a co conspirator.
We came up with the idea together.


is it true about Ken asking to marry you?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

What are you gonna do?

I don't know.

Can you, um...

Can you think of
any other options I might have?

I-Is that a reason to marry someone?

That's not what I'm asking.


Terri. Um...

Hi. What can I, uh...

What can I... do for you?

I just wanted to cut to the chase...

that things have been a little awkward
since I started working here.

- I just wanted to clear the air.
- Oh.

That's, um... That's actually really nice.
Why don't you just...

You have no chance with my husband.
Do I make myself clear?

Oh, you might think there's some kind of
competition going on between you and I...

but that's like saying
that a nail is competing with a hammer.

- Terri, Will is a good man.
- Uh-huh.

He's kind...

and he's generous,
and he deserves a lot better than you.

Emma, Will is my husband.

Look at you.

You are so superior, because you're nice
to a man that you see for an hour or two a day.

You're just an innocent little dove. Hmm?

You're so innocent that you would steal
a man away from his pregnant wife.


Do yourself a favor, honey.
Marry Ken Tanaka.

Oh, sure, he's dumb like sand,
and his fondue pot of nationalities...

is gonna open your kids up
to a host of genetic diseases...

but he's kind, and he's generous.

And he's available.


- Mrs. Schuester.
- Mm-hmm.

I need to talk to you...
about the baby.

Is everything okay? Wait, you're not
having it right now, are you?

- What? No. Aren't you supposed to be a nurse?
- Mm-hmm.

- I've been thinking about your offer.
- Yeah?

I like my life.

I like being a cheerleader...

and I can't believe I'm actually saying this,
but I really like being in Glee Club.

I have all these great things in my life,
and it already feels like too much.

I can't raise a baby.

You know, honestly, I don't even know
how you kids do it nowadays.

I mean, I-I didn't have it this bad
when I was your age.

I mean, there weren't as many
TV channels either though.

Is Finn okay with this?
'Cause, you know...

I don't want any baby-daddy drama
when you hand it over to me.

He's the reason I'm doing this.

He's such a good guy.
And he internalizes all this pressure.

He's gonna have a heart attack.

I never want Mr. Schuester to find out about
this though. I don't wanna hurt him either.

Oh, your secret's safe with me.

I have a lot more to lose.

One more thing.

- You know how you gave me
those vitamins for the baby?
- Mm-hmm.

I really appreciated that...

um, but I'm gonna have
all these doctors' bills...

and I'm gonna need
some new maternity clothes.

- You want money from me?
- It's gonna be your baby.

Which means I'm gonna be paying the bills for
18 years. I think you can handle nine months.

Look, you're making the right call here,
Quinn. It's what's best for everybody.



Um, I can't...
I can't stay long in this room...

because of the germs, you know,
and because of the odor.

But I have a question.

Anything for you, Emma.

So what would, um...

what would getting married
mean... exactly?

Because I would wanna keep my last name...

and I'd wanna continue living
in different parts of town.

And, um, I think it would be best
if we didn't see each other after school.


And I wouldn't want a big ceremony, you
know, like in a church or with... people.

We wouldn't have to invite anybody,
you know, or tell anybody actually.

It could be more like a secret, you know...
like a secret marriage.

That's actually a better deal
than I expected.

You're a really good man, Ken.

And I don't want to spend
the rest of my life alone...

and I know that you don't either.


is that a yes?

What's up, A-Rach?

Hey, sweet mash-up.
You guys were so... energetic.

We were just taking a lesson
from Major League Baseball.

l-l-It's not cheating
if everyone's doing it.

- We were just leveling out the playing field.
- You really believe that?

No. Okay? I-I feel terrible.

Even if we win,
it's not gonna be satisfying.

I know. I don't even remember performing.

What do you think we should do?

I think... the only way to make things right
is to just withdraw from the competition...

You know, admit that we were wrong and
disqualify our respective teams immediately.

- No one gets to win.
- Cool.

I'm sorry about what I said the other day, about
calling you contemptible and deplorable.

Ah, that's all right.
I didn't even know what those words meant.

W-What I meant to say is that...

I guess I get caught up
in the competitive hysteria too.

My goals are too selfish.

You know, it's time for me to stop
competing against everyone...

and start competing alongside them.

What the hell were you thinking?

- You gave drugs to my students?
- I'll say it again.

They are over-the-counter, F.D.A. approved,
and if I didn't give it to them...

I'm sure the kids would just
find a way to get it for themselves.

- No. No, they wouldn't. These are good kids.
- Nothing bad happened.

Howard Bamboo got arrested.

- Well, that.
- Wait. What?

Pseudo ephedrine is an ingredient
in the manufacturing of methamphetamines.

Howard got picked up by the feds on
suspicion of running a crystal meth lab.

I never told Howard
to get them all in one place.

Okay, enough, Terri.

How are we supposed to raise a baby...

when I can't trust you
to look after a group of teenagers?

You are oblivious to consequences.

- I was only trying to help you, Will.
- Don't.

Every time I light a fire in my life...

you find a way to make sure
it burns the forest down.

I have serious concerns
about your judgment, Mrs. Schuester.

I must ask you to resign as school nurse.

Fine. I was working too hard anyway.

Hold on to your horses, Schue. I have to
question your judgment in the matter as well.

What? I had no idea
this was even going on.

Exactly. The children rely
on you to create the culture...

and you, with your obsession
with winning and competition...

has fostered an unsafe environment.

I'm bringing in someone else
to co chair the Glee Club.

Someone with a track record
of responsibility and excellence.

We're really sorry, Mr. Schue.

We didn't mean to get you into trouble.

I'm really disappointed in you guys.

Glee is supposed to be about
what's inside your heart...

not what's coursing through your veins.

We know, and I think
I speak for everyone when I say...

that we'd be happy to move forward
and put this episode behind us.

Well, it's not that simple.

Because of this debacle...

it's been decided that I'm no longer fit
to run Glee Club myself.

We've been assigned a co director.


Hey, kids.

I gotta tell ya, I'm just thrilled...

to becoming on board...

to co captain your little showbiz cruise.

Ah, I can't wait to start
singin' and dancin' ...

and maybe even puttin' on
the Ritz a little bit.


I wanted you to, um... to hear this from me.

You know Ken, um, asked me to marry him.

I said yes.


That's great.

?? Ain't nothing gonna break my stride ??

?? Nobody gonna slow me down ??

?? Oh, no, I got to keep on movin' ??

?? Ain't nothin' gonna
break my stride ??

?? I'm runnin' and I won't touch ground ??

?? Oh, no, I've got to keep on movin' ????