Glee (2009–2015): Season 1, Episode 21 - Funk - full transcript

The Glee Club gets some news that's sure to rattle a few nerves. Meanwhile, Quinn connects with her "funky" side with a little help from Mercedes, and Will gets revenge on Sue. Musical performances include "Another One Bites the Dust", "Tell Me Something Good", "Loser", "It's A Man's Man's World", "Good Vibrations" and "Give Up The Funk".

Here's what you missed
on Glee: Regionals is coming up

and Jessie's left the glee
club, and though it seems like

which is confusing.

I think I kind of like her.
I don't want her to get hurt.

Quinn's preggo and feels like
she's totally alone.

And Sue won't leave Will alone
as the poor guy's trying

to get over divorcing
his terrible wife, Terri.

I mean, she's not terrible.

She's just kind of...
you know, terrible.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

{bell ringing}

MERCEDES: Is it just me,
or does it feel like

we have a real shot at
Regionals next month?

The Ohio Show Choir chat rooms
have all been buzzing

about how Vocal Adrenaline
has lost a step.

I agree-- the judges know
all of their tricks

and now that we have Jessie,

they've lost
their best performer.

You guys have to come to the
auditorium-- it's an emergency!

{bell ringing}


What are you doing
up there with them?

I've transferred back
to Carmel High, Rachel.

I'm sorry that
it's come to this,

but you guys were awful to me.

You never accepted me,

you never listened
to my clearly superior ideas.

Why are you here
in our auditorium?

The blogs and the chat rooms
say that we're finished,

and that you guys are ripe
to topple us.

We just wanted to show you

a something we came up with
a few days ago

to see if you agree
with that assessment.

{bass line to "Another One
Bites the Dust" playing}

??Bom-bom-bom ??

Ooh, let's go.

??Steve walks warily
down the street ??

??With the brim pulled
way down low ??

??Ain't no sound
but the sound of his feet ??

??Machine gun's ready to go ??

??Are you ready? ??
??Hey ??

??Are you ready for this? ??

??Are you hanging on
the edge of your seat? ??

??Out of the doorway
the bullets rip ??

??To the sound of the beat ??
??Yeah ??

??Bom-bom-bom ??

??Another one bites the dust ??

??Bom-bom-bom ??

??Another one bites the dust ??

??How do you think
I'm gonna get along ??

??Without you
when you're gone? ??

??You took me for everything
that I had ??

??And kicked me out
on my own ??

??Are you happy? ??

??Are you satisfied? ??

??How long can you
stand the heat? ??

??Out of the doorway
the bullets rip ??

??To the sound of the beat,
look out ??

??Bom-bom-bom ??

??Another one bites the dust. ??

{song ends}

Thanks for letting us
borrow your auditorium, guys.

It's quaint.



{bell ringing}

It's a Carmel High tradition.

They psych out the competition
a few weeks before the big show.

They call it a funkification.

Meaning they show us
what they've got,

and we spiral
into a deep black funk.

Yeah. Yeah, we used to do
the same thing

to other football teams.

You know, try and get inside
their head before a big game,

pull little pranks
to intimidate them.

Yeah, well, the difference was
our football team sucked.

Those guys are golden.

KURT: Come on, keep
your heads up, guys.

It's going to take
more than that

to get us into a funk.

I feel so violated.

It's like someone
broke into our home.

Look, it was just
a lame little prank.

And the fact that they're
trying to get to us

means maybe we
got them spooked.

Uh-uh, Mr. Shue.
They aren't afraid of anything.

That number they did
was fantastic.

You know, which doesn't
make any sense.

They had all that equipment.

How did they even get in?

I gave 'em all keys.

Helped them do a sound check

over the weekend.

Hey, this way, fellas.

Let's punch out this wall here.

That'll open up the space a little bit.
Sue, what are you doing?

I can't talk to you now,

Drafting class is helping me
redecorate around here.

You see, I have Nationals
over the weekend,

and I expect to return
with a comically large

first place trophy for which

I have absolutely no room
in my trophy case.

As soon as you hurry up
and lose at Regionals,

this choir room will become
my official trophy annex.

You know what it
has to look like?

Elvis' gold record
room at Graceland.

Except I'll be wanting
far fewer morbidly obese

white women waddling
around and crying.

Sue, get out of my room.

Glee Clubbers, for you those
of you whose hearing

has not been damaged by massive
doses of Acutane, listen up.

In a few weeks,
Glee Club will be finished.

Now how do I know that?

Well, I recently checked
the odds with my Vegas bookie,

who told me that you're 40-1
underdogs at Regionals.

You are going to lose,
and your dreams

will be crushed.

Sue, can I see your trophy?

Sure, Will.

Hope and dream.

You dropped your trophy, Sue.

You know, for me,
trophies are like herpes.

You can try to get rid of them,
but they just keep coming.

You know why?

Sue Sylvester has hourly
flare-ups of burning, itchy,

highly contagious talent.

Enjoy your last few days here.

This room is mine.

{bell ringing}

So you sign here,

and here.

And you sign here and here.

{pens clicking}

{pens scribbling}

{clearing throat}


By the power vested in me
by the bar association

of the great State of Ohio,

I know pronounce you
no longer husband and wife.

Mazel tov.

{door closing}

You're still that
16-year-old boy to me.

You always will be.

{door closing}

{bell ringing}

All right, guys, today I want
to talk to you about regrets.

Who has some?

Giving my heart to Jessie,
just to have it crushed

like the stage floor
at a performance of Stomp.

Thinking "trust me" was
a sensible birth control option.

We all have them.

I just finalized my divorce.

I regret
living in a relationship

that wasn't working.

Letting her put me
in these deep funks

and not fighting back.

Besides creeping us out,
why are you telling us this?

Because if we lose to
Vocal Adrenaline at Regionals,

none of us are
going to regret it.

We will have given
it our best shot

and we won't look back.

But we will regret letting them
get the best of us

before the competition.

Which is why we need to hit them
back just like they hit us.

So you want us
to TP their choir room?

Whatever the better,
cooler version of that is.

Like, uh, maybe-maybe we should
steal their school statue.

Their school statue

is a giant bronze of a great
white shark eating a seal pup.

It weighs three tons.

Okay, how about this one.

All right, we get like...

PUCK: Everyone knows this
is going to come down to me.

Revenge, fear, the merciless
infliction of pain.

These are my kingdoms.

First time I gave a wedgie
to a kid, I was four years old.

Finn and I may still hate
each other for some reason,

but we both know that defending
the honor of New Directions

is going to be our dirty job.

{dog barking in distance}


Yeah, I did it.

And I'm proud. All I did
was step up and be a man.

They got what was coming
to them.

A few of my students
TP'd your choir room.

You slashed the tires
on the Range Rovers

of all 26 of my performers.

Those were gifts for
our win at Sectionals.

That's 200 times 26

times four equals...

I don't have a calculator.

I'm sorry, you bought
all your kids Range Rovers?

We have a very active
booster club.

Look, nobody got hurt.

It was a harmless prank.

SUE: That's what they said
about a young man in Chicago

in 1871, who thought he'd
play a harmless prank

on the dairy cow of
one Mrs. O'Leary.

He successfully
ignited its flatulence

and a city burned, William.

That young terrorist
went on to become

the first gay president
of the United States,

Abraham Lincoln.

These students
have committed a felony.

They are hereby expelled.

Look, I don't want anyone
to get expelled.

I'm not going
to press charges...

as long as you pay
for the damage.

You can take it out
of the glee club budget.

That'll bankrupt the glee club.

We don't have that kind
of money.

We'll get jobs.

Give us a month.

We'll pay you back,

Ms. Corcoran, I promise.


Ms. Corcoran, you are
as wise and magnanimous

as you are beautiful.

Thank you.

Well, you just can't
win, can you, William?

You never have,
and you never will.

Are you want to take a trip down that
rabbit hole, William?

I'm willing to try
anything, Sandy.

I'm just really depressed.

I don't sell to the
clinically depressed.

You'll throw yourself
off a parking garage

and I can't have that
on my conscience.

I used to coach that glee club.

I know what you're up against.

You think Carmel High didn't
put the fear of God in me?

I don't know how we
can possibly beat them.

Glee is hanging by a thread.

William, the answer is
right in front of your face,

but you can't see it
because you're in

too big of a funk.

Vocal Adrenaline
has a weakness.

{bell ringing}


Use it in a sentence.

Come on.


This cheese smells funky.

That's because
it's "from-unda" cheese.

Shut it, Puckerman!

Okay, okay.

I was thinking more
along the lines of...

Vocal Adrenaline has sure
put us all in a funk.

I'm so depressed, I've worn
the same outfit twice this week.

What if I told you

I knew how we could shove it
right back down their throats?

New Directions is about

to make their funk the P-Funk.

We are going to get funked up.

The only way to do that
is to beat them at Regionals.

Vocal Adrenaline has never once
done a funk number.

They're a machine,
a collective, synthesized,

soulless beat.

Funk is soul meets anger.

Its passion is in its emotion.

And Vocal Adrenaline doesn't
perform with any.

So you have your assignment.

I want you guys
to turn McKinley High into...

??Funky town! ??

You guys can relax,
I got this one covered.


Hold on a second.

I-I want a chance
to get funky, too.


Good one, Quinn.

It even sounds funny
when you say it.

You said funk
was about soul and anger.

I have plenty of both.

Look at me. Look at my life.

I'm furious!

Let's be honest.

When white people try
to be funky,

you end up with KC
and the Sunshine Band.

I love "Boogie Shoes."

Mercedes' racism aside,

I will have something prepared

All right, Quinn goes first.

{bell ringing}

Rachel, can I see you
in my office?

You seem to be taking
this Jessie thing pretty hard.

I want him to be eaten
by a lion.

Jessie, cared about you.

No, he didn't.

Our entire relationship
was just some diabolical plan.

They knew if they broke my heart

close enough
to the competition,

that I'd lose my will to live,

and then New Directions
would have no chance

at winning Regionals.

It's textbook;
You destroy the heart

of the team's heart
and you destroy the team.

WILL: Sandy told me how to
beat Vocal Adrenaline,

and now Rachel was
inadvertently telling me

how to beat my other nemesis.

Suddenly, I wasn't feeling
nearly as depressed.

{playing tentative melody}

William, I'm gonna have
to ask you to clear out.

I received an anonymous
tip from someone

who wants to meet me here

to discuss
an illegal Hot Cheetos ring.

Hot Cheetos have been proven

to raise endorphins,
which makes for happy kids,

and I can't have that.

Yeah, no worries, Sue.

I'll just find
someplace else to...

Oh, wow.


It-it's nothing.

It's just... it's just the way
the light hit you

just now, you looked stunning.

No, you're radiant.

Well, the week before Nationals
every year,

I have a placenta mask

right after a rigorous session
of microdermabrasion.

Well, whatever you're doing,
keep it up

because you have
never looked better.

Well, if you'll excuse me,
I should...

I got stuff to do, so...
Yeah, um...

Look, Sue, I gotta ask
your advice about something.

I know I make it seem
like I-I know what I'm doing,

but everyone knows

you're the kingmaker
around here.

I mean, you're this school's

arbiter of taste.

We're doing this funk number
for Regionals,

and I wanted
to pick your brain about it.

I-I just wanted to know
if it's too suggestive.

And I only need
two minutes of your time.


{"Tell Me Something Good" plays}

??You ain't got no kind
of feeling insi-ide ??

??Oh, whoa-oa-oa ??

??And I got something ??

??That will sure 'nuff set
your stuff on fire ??

??Oh, oh-oh ??

??You refuse to put anything
before your pride ??

??Oh, oh-oh... ??

??What I got will knock
all your pride aside ??

??Tell me something good ??

??Tell me that you love me,
yeah ??

??Tell me something good ??

??Tell me, tell me, tell me ??

??That you like it, yeah ??

??"Got no time" is what
you're known to say-ay ??

??Tell me something good ??

??Oh, tell me, oh, tell me,
yeah-eah! ??

??Tell me that you love me,
yeah ??

??I like it, I like it,
yeah-eah ??

??Tell me something good! ??

{song ends}


you feel anything there?


Was I...

too dirty?

I didn't notice. I was bored.


Right, left, and flip, okay?

Can I go shirtless
under this apron?

Look, I only hired
you two losers

because I'm desperate
to increase my quarterly sales

and you'll work for less
than immigrants.

As I'm you know,

Mr. Schuester and I
are now officially divorced.

I mean, I'm sure he talks
about it all the time.

Anyway, I'm on my own now.

And I need to make manager
by the end of the year

so that I can maintain
my lifestyle.

Terri, that guy who gave
me Bell's palsy is

back again today.


help him.

He's our best customer.

You need to go help him.

But she just told you to do it.

I have got seniority
over you two losers,

which means you have to do
what I say.

Well, then I need
to kick your ass.


You two... apron boys.

You're not gonna fondle us,
are you, Mr. Ryerson?

I've recently
redone my bathroom

as an homage
to Miss Jayne Mansfield.

Pink! It's all pink!

This is amaranth pink.

I need rose pink.

But this is all the pink
that we have.

Wrong answer.

Did they change the name of this
place to Losers N' Things?

Did everyone in

the whole world die so they had

to give these jobs
to you two morons?

And where's my Muzak?!

How am I supposed to shop
without my Kenny G?

{clapping hands} Let's go!

Crank it!

{"Loser" bluesy intro playing}

??In the time of chimpanzees,
I was a monkey ??

??Butane in my veins
and I'm out to cut the junkie ??

??With the plastic eyeballs,
spray-paint the vegetables ??

??Dog food stalls
with the beefcake pantyhose ??

??Kill the headlights
and put it in neutral ??

??Stock car flamin' with a loser
and the cruise control ??

??Baby's in Reno
with the Vitamin D ??

??Got a couple of couches,
sleep on the love seat ??

??Someone keeps saying
I'm insane ??

??To complain
about a shotgun wedding ??

??And a stain on my shirt ??

??Don't believe everything
that you breathe ??

??You get a parking violation
and a maggot on your sleeve ??

??So shave your face
with some mace in the dark ??

??Savin' all your food stamps ??

??Aand burnin' down
the trailer park ??


Cut it.

??Soy, un perdedor ??

??I'm a loser, baby ??

??So why don't you kill me? ??

??So why don't
you kill me? ??

{song stops, soft Muzak plays}


I thought Jews were
supposed to be smart.


Go restack the space heaters.

Mrs. Schuester,

can you show me
how to fold this sham again?

Mrs. Schuester?

Oh. I'm sorry.

Yes, sure. Of course.

How old are you?



Dear Journal,

Something strange happened

I felt something
below the neck.

Dare I admit it?

I have feelings
for one Will Schuester.

Sexy, non-murdering feelings.

Oh, it all makes sense now,

True love always springs
from true hate.

I'll admit, in the past,
I've fantasized about waking up

with Will's head on the pillow
next to me,

except now I picture it

attached to the rest
of his body.


Sue, you got a sec?

Yes, William.
How can I help you?

I, uh, I wanted
to bring you these.

I snuck a peek
at your tracksuit this morning,

and I got these to match.

Those are cheap
gas station flowers.

I-I have no interest.


But I also got you these.

A tub of Extreme Challenge
Lifestyle CarboGels.

I had to drive to Dayton
to get your favorite flavor.


I don't get it either, Sue,

but you can't deny
that we have chemistry.

My divorce opened my eyes
to a world of possibilities.

I thought I'd finally
have the chance

to have all the things
I'd ever wanted.

And then I realized,

the only thing I want...

is Sue.

You have Nationals

this Saturday, right?
Why do you ask?

Because I'd like to take you
to dinner this week.

How's Wednesday night?





You know what Wednesday is,

Hump day.

I'm sorry,
Mrs. Schuester,

my heart's not in this.

This whole Vocal Adrenaline
thing's really getting me down,

and we have to come up
with this funk number for Glee,

and I have like,
less-than-zero ideas, and I...



This club is like toxic mold
on my life.

I'm sorry.

What am I doing?

This is exactly how
I destroyed my marriage.

I have this compulsive need to
crush other people's dreams.

Yeah, that's what Mr. Shue said.

I mean,
I think you're awesome, though.

I mean, look how hard
you've been working

to try and help me fold a sham.

And you'd be a total MILF

if it weren't for the whole
faking-the-mother thing.

You're very sweet.

You could be my second chance.

I'm gonna change.

I don't have to stay in

this post-divorce funk
forever, right?

Yeah. Yeah, right, I guess.

Well, then I am
going to help you

with your Glee assignment.


Okay, you said you needed
a funk song, right?

Okay, so,

we'll type "funk"
into the iTunes,

and we'll see what comes up.

I never thought of that.

Oh, Howard, I'm promoting Finn

to assistant assistant manager.

You'll report to
him from now on.

Do you have a problem
with that?


Wow, thanks.

I believe in you, Finn.

{bell ringing} Okay, Quinn,

it's your day to show us
your funky side.

So, take it away.

For some of us...

...just simply getting to class

takes a little bit longer.

When you're pregnant,

you're responsible
for two lives.

And you're walking
down the hallway

oppressed by the man.

Oh, my goodness, she is
not about to go there.

Hearing people call you fat.

Sometimes it hurts.

Sometimes you have to stop

and hold that precious life
and say no.

This is offensive.

Who are these girls?

We're the "Unwed
Mothership Connection."

And that's what we're
here to sing about.

{"It's a Man's Man's
Man's World" playing}

??This is a man's world ??

??This is a man's world ??

??But it wouldn't be nothing ??

??Nothing ??

??Without a woman or a girl ??

??Ooh, ooh, ooh ??

??You see ??

??Man made the cars ??

??Ah ??

??To take us over the road ??

??Ah ??

??Man made the train ??

??To carry the heavy loads ??

??Man made the boat
for the water ??

??Like Noah made the ark ??

??This is a man's, man's,
man's world ??

??But it wouldn't be
nothing, nothing ??

??Without a woman or a girl ??

??Without a woman or a girl ??


??Man thinks about
a little baby girls ??

??And the baby boys ??

??And after man make everything,
everything he can ??

??You know that man
makes money ??

??He makes money ??

??To buy from other man ??

??To buy from other man ??

??This is a man's world ??

??But it wouldn't
be nothing, nothing ??

??Not one little thing ??
??Nothing ??

??Without a woman or a girl ??

??Ooh ??

??He's lost ??

??In bitterness ??
??Ooh ??

??Ooh ??

??He's lost ??

??Lost somewhere ??
??Ooh ??

??In loneliness. ??

{song ends}

You're going to have
to order something.

My date will be here any minute.

Your date's not coming.

You got stood up.

{audience cheering on TV}
{pounding on door}

Right on time.

{rapid knocking}

How dare you?!

You led me on.

You told me you had
feelings for me,

then you ask me out,
you don't show up,

humiliating me.
In public.

Gosh, Sue, I wonder where
I learned how to do all that.

You meddled around
in my marriage,

you terrorize the glee club,

you continue to sabotage
my relationship with Emma.

I tried playing nice, but
nothing seems to work with you.

Cruelty was the only way

to get your attention.

I have no interest
in dating you, Sue.

You're a bully
and you're mean to kids.

I'm mean to everyone.

Yeah, well, fine.

Consider this a little taste
of what you love dishing out.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

This is uncalled for, William.

{sighs} Good night, Sue.

Santana, are you all right?



Kurt, what is going on
around here?

Coach Sylvester
won't get out of bed.

We haven't had
practice in days.

I'm fine because I have Glee,

but these girls have
sort of lost it.

No Nationals means
that four of the girls

will lose their
college scholarships.

And the rest are just
depressed and confused.

Please, please,
love me, please.

It's really hard to feel
bad for Sue Sylvester--

she doesn't need
another trophy--

but some of these
girls, they really do.

Mr. Shue,

Puck and I would like
to show the class

the true meaning of funk.

With a little help

from our special guest


Fasten your seat belts, people.

It's going to be a funky ride.

{"Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark
and the Funky Bunch playing}

??Yeah ??

??Can you feel it, baby? ??

??Come on, swing it ??

??Come-come on, swing it ??

??Come on, swing it ??

??Come-come on, swing it ??

??Yo, it's about that time ??

??To bring forth
the rhythm and the rhyme ??

??I'm gonna get mine,
so get yours ??

??I want to see sweat
comin' out your pores ??

??On the house tip is
how I'm swingin' this ??

??Strictly hip-hop, boy,
I ain't singing this ??

??Bringing this
to the entire nation ??

??Black, white, red, brown, feel
the vibration ????Vibration ??

??Come on, feel the vibration ??
??Vibration ??

??It's such a good vibration ??

??It's such a sweet sensation ??

??The vibrations good
like Sunkist ??

??Many wanna know
who done this ??

??Pucky Puck
and I'm here to move you ??

??Rhymes will groove you
and I'm here to prove to you ??

??That we can party
on the positive side ??

??And pump positive vibes,
so come along for the ride ??

??Making you feel the rhythm
is my occupation ??

??So feel the vibration ??
??Vibration ??

??Come on, feel the vibration ??
??Vibration ??

??It's such a good vibration ??

??It's such a sweet sensation ??

Finnie D, break it down.

??Down, down, down, down ??

??Finnie D's on the back up ??

??Drug free,
so put the crack up ??

??No need for speed,
I'm the anti D-R-U-G-G-I-E ??

??My body is healthy,
my rhymes make me wealthy ??

??And the Funky Bunch helps me ??

??To bring you a show
with no intoxication ??

??Come on, and feel the
vibration ????Vibration ??

??Yeah ??

??Can you feel it, baby? ??

??I can, too ??

??It's such a good vibration ??

??It's such a sweet sensation ??

??It's such a good vibration. ??

{song ends, applause and whoops}

All right.

Great job, guys,
but that's not funk.

I mean, the group is called

Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch,

but that is a rap song.

A kick-butt old school rap song.

Does it really matter, Mr. Shue?

We're so clinically depressed,
we're doing the wrong songs.

We're in a deeper
funk than ever.


I'm so sorry.

You may not be a minority,

but you certainly get
how it feels sometimes.

For nine months.

You've had to deal with this

your whole life.

People making assumptions,
calling you names.

I seriously can't understand
why don't feel like

yelling at people all the time.

What's the point
in getting angry?

Because it's infuriating.

I hate all the looks at school.

Don't even get me started
on Puck's mom.

You're not angry.

You're hurt.

You just need someplace safe

where you can dig through
all that rage.

Get to the pain beneath it.

So it's decided.

Saturday you move out
of Puck's house

and you move in with me.

I already talked
to my mom about it.

My brother went off to college
and we have an extra room.


It's cool.

Us sisters got to stick
together, right?


{both laughing softly}

{doorbell rings}

Mr. Schuester?

Come in.
Thank you.

Um, is she doing okay?

Never seen her like this.

She won't leave her room,
and refuses her protein shakes.


Very bad. Well, please, tell her
I'd love to speak with her.

Let me ask.

Thank you.


That Regionals '85.

Very precious to Ms. Sue.


Mija, Mr. Schuester
is here.

SUE: Okay.

She agreed to see you.

Oh, gracias por tu ayuda.

De Nada.


So have you come to gloat?

I, uh...

I hear you're pulling out
of Nationals, Sue.

You know, for some
of your girls

that's going to have
some really big consequences.

I'm tired of those kids.

I devoted my life to them.

And what have I got
to show for it?

Five consecutive
National championships.

Oh, big deal.

I'm alone, William.

I don't even like you
and I was willing

to jump at the chance
to be with you.

And, you know, for a second,

I saw a flash of something.

I pictured myself

living a normal life.

Having someone to come home to
every night.

And though
I completely loathe you,

you'd make
a great trophy husband.

And as you can see

by my decor,
I love me some trophies.

Sue, I did what I did to you
out of anger.

I thought destroying you

would pull me out of my funk.

But... just made things worse.

So is that an apology?

Yes, it is.

And you're not alone, Sue.

Your kids need you,

so you do have love
in your life.

My kids don't love me;
They fear me.

But you love them, Sue.

Hand me my bullhorn, will you?

{feedback squeals}


Make me a shake!

To go!


Make it two.

{bell ringing}

{cell phone rings}


Meet me out in the parking lot.

{piano plays gentle melody}


I hear you're a vegan, Berry.

The souls of those
poor egg fetuses

are all on your conscience now.


Do it, Jessie.

Are you with us or not?

Do it.

Break it
like you broke my heart.

I loved you.

nightmares of all of the mothers

of the little baby chicks
coming after me for revenge.

Oh, this is bull!

Finn, Mike, Matt, come with me.

Right on. It's time for less
talking and more punching.

Hey, what's going on?

We're on our way to go all
Braveheart on Vocal Adrenaline.

Guys, violence is never
the answer.

It is when the question is
"What's the best way to mess up

that Jessie kid's face?!"

Mr. Shue, Rachel's one of us.

We're the only ones
who get to humiliate her.


Get back here and sit down!

Look, I know from experience

that making someone else suffer
doesn't make your pain go away.

You're all amazing, no matter

what Vocal Adrenaline
says or does.

We just need to find a way
to remind ourselves of that.

We can't just let
Vocal Adrenaline get away

with turning Rachel
into an omelet.

We're not.

Rachel, dial Jessie's
number on your phone.

SANTANA: You haven't
deleted his number yet?

Jessie St. James?

Will Schuester here.
You and Vocal Adrenaline need

to meet at our auditorium
Friday, 3:00 sharp.

BRETT PAXTON: Let's hear it
from the internationally ranked

Cheerios coach Sue Sylvester.

Coach, six consecutive
National titles.

You're the Michael Jordan
of cheerleading.

Thanks, Brett, I am.

Sue, let us know about
the decision you made

to have Kurt Hummel here

do a 14-and-a-half minute
Celine Dion medley,

entirely in French.

Well, I'll tell you what, Brett,

I'm all about finding
a freakish, depressed kid

and showing him
what winning is all about.

Vive Le difference!

Whoo! {giggles} Well...
well, Sue, congratulations,

but I have to ask you,
where are you going to put

that mammoth
skyscraping trophy?

I know just the place.

{doorbell rings}

Get out.

I'm sorry, Mr. Shue.

Wow. You did it, Sue...

I'll do the talking,
thank you very much.

Let me break it down
for you, William.

You're standing at a crossroads.
You have two choices:

Number one:

This trophy will be installed
in the choir room

in a custom-built
bulletproof case

as a daily reminder
of your failure

as a man and an educator.

And what's choice number two?

You can kiss me...

...right here on the lips...

...with tongue.

This is payback, isn't it?

No one will know?


You know what?

I'm not gonna do this.

Even your breath stinks
of mediocrity.

It's making me sick.

{"Loser" by Beck begins playing}

{wheels squeaking}

??Cut it ??

??Soy, UN perdedor ??

??I'm a loser, baby ??

??So why don't you kill me? ??

??Double-barrel buckshot ??

??Soy, UN perdedor ??

??I'm a loser, baby ??

??So why don't you kill me? ??

??Drive-by body pierce. ??

Thanks for coming.

After your brazen escalation
of our growing dispute,

which we were willing
to put to rest, we decided

the only way to truly funkify
you is to show you

the one thing
we know you can't do.

So enjoy.

??Roof off ??

??We're gonna tear the roof off
the mother sucker ??

??Tear the roof off the sucker,
tear the roof off ??

??We're gonna tear the roof off
the mother sucker ??

??Tear the roof off the sucker ??

??You've got a real type
of thing ??

??Going down, gettin' down ??

??There's a whole lot of rhythm
going round ??

??You've got a real type of
thing going down, gettin' down ??

??There's a whole lot
of rhythm going round ??

??Ow, we want the funk ??

??Give up the funk ??

??Ow, we need the funk ??

??We gotta have that funk ??

??Ow, we want the funk ??

??Give up the funk ??

??Ow, we need the funk ??

??We gotta have that funk ??

??Na, Na-Na-Na-Na ??

??Doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo ??

??Ow...! ??

??Na, Na-Na-Na-Na ??

??Doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo ??

??Ow...! ??

??We're gonna turn
this mother out ??

??Give up the funk ??

??We're gonna turn
this mother out ??

??We're gonna
turn this mother out ??

??Give up the funk ??

??We're gonna turn
this mother out ??

??We turn this mother out! ??

??Na, Na-Na-Na-Na ??

??Doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo ??

??Ow...! ??

??You've got a real type
of thing going down ??

??Gettin' down ??

??There's a whole lot
of rhythm going down ??

??All the rhythm goin' down ??

??You've got a real type of
thing going down, gettin' down ??

??There's a whole lot of rhythm
goin' round ??

{band plays flourish}

??Yeah! ??

{tempo increases}

??We want the funk ??
??Yeah ??

??Give up the funk ??

??We need the funk, gotta have that funk!
????Funky! ??

??We want the funk ??
??Yeah ??

??Give up the funk ??

??We need the funk,
gotta have some funk ??

??We want the funk ??

??Funky, funky ??
??Give up the funk ??

??We need the funk ??
??Hey, get down ??

??Gotta have that funk ??
??Hey, yeah! ??

??We want the funk ??

??Give up the funk ??

??We need the funk ??

??Gotta have that funk ??

See you punks at Regionals.

They did a funk number.

We've never been able
to pull off a funk number.

Well, that's because we're
soulless automatons.

I'm so depressed.