Girls5eva (2021–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Episode #2.8 - full transcript
An accident at 40 is usually
mixing up your Chastains
and your Dallas Howards,
not a surprise baby.
- I'll never get over the
fact that I can make life
with my penis.
It puts the other
parts to shame.
Oh, eyes, oh, yeah,
you can see a boat?
Great, come back to me
when you can make one.
- They really age-shame you
with this take-home literature.
"The Over 35
Geriatric Pregnancy:
There Be Monsters."
"Like Dresden after
the Allied firebombing,
your uterus is a shell
of its former..."
- Ignore that.
We're getting you
a better doctor.
- This kid's graduation,
are we gonna have
to be the parents
who sit on the aisle?
- Hey, hey, hey, look.
You know I want this,
but are you good here?
- Yeah, I am.
It's just, the
timing is bananas.
We have this tour on the table.
And will America be as
kind to a female Ted Lasso
who leaves her
family to go abroad?
I think not.
And Wickie, I know
she's gonna see this
as me holding the group back.
- Hey, take a breath.
- Yeah, you're right.
I'm only six weeks in,
so maybe we hold a beat
before we tell anybody?
- Sure.
But can we just tell a stranger
just to get some of
the telling energy out?
- Yes, ooh, they're coming.
- Oh, hey.
- We're having a baby!
- My penis can make
arms and lungs!
- Oh, okay.
- Let's find somebody else.
- Yes, okay, this way.
- Huh.
Normally, I'd be in an
Uber by now, yet I'm here,
in the light,
eating 200 eggs out
of a catering tray.
Eggs are easy to portion
for two people, Sheawn.
You just stop
cracking after four.
- You sound insane.
Hey, I'm chaperoning
a dance on Thursday.
You wanna be my date?
- Oh, um, maybe.
I just need to see what's
up with all this tour stuff.
- So you don't want to be
seen in public with me?
- No!
I just like it here.
It's all cozy here, um...
This is cool.
- Okay. Mm-hmm.
This is fun.
- Yeah, it's fine.
I get it. I'm
just a lunch lord.
I'm not the guy that comes
to school once a year
to rap about changing bodies,
or a guidance counselor...
- You're sub-Scott?
- Scott's the man.
He can get mail at work.
- It's okay to get
wrapped up in status.
- I'm not!
I buy my sunglasses at a
hut like everybody else.
- Come on, it's gotta annoy you
that you're the total package,
but you're not Beyoncé,
and you should be "yoncé."
I mean, what does she
have that you don't?
- A mother who made her costumes
so she didn't have to
stay up making costumes.
- Oh.
- I want to show you something.
- Okay.
Oh, nice Timb.
- Come on.
- Okay.
So you got weird
toes. So what?
Toes are like a basketball team.
It's five of 'em,
and everybody's doing
their own thing.
See the little white
one? That's Steve Nash.
- Come on tour with me.
- I'd love to.
But switching lunch
lords mid-year
is not good for the kids.
- Totally get it,
don't care, casual.
Shut up.
- Ooh.
- Collab's tour is boy-nanas.
Four months, 20 cities,
sponsored by State Farm.
- State Farm? That's
a real company!
- Tokyo, Paris...
- Oh, my God, Orlando?
- Rome.
- Las Vegas... Orlando?
- Bonnaroo, Coachella,
Tallahassee Fest with Lady A...
And who's Bootsy Tings?
- Oh, after Stinker
got canceled,
he pulled a Nelly and
reinvented himself
as a country act.
- Stinker is from Glendale.
- So it's down to
you and Co-Z Boi
for the official opener slot.
Tomorrow night, you'll
both perform test shows
at Terminal 5,
and the Property Brothers
will make the call.
- We get to perform
at Terminal 5?
That's where I almost saw Lizzo,
and Florence and the
Machine, and Ed Sheeran.
It's really hard
to get a sitter.
- This is big time.
And can I just say, I'm
rooting for Girls5eva
because Co-Z Boi reminds
me of a guy I once dated.
I don't want to
talk about it. Yay!
- Yay!
- Wow.
- A world tour and I'm
moving in with Caroline?
This is my year.
- Well, the timing couldn't
be more perfect for me.
Stevia's about to find out
which hype house she got into.
Her first choice
is Content Crib,
but her backup is SUNY
Steez Castle, so...
- Hey, and she just
goes and lives there?
- Yeah, that's how houses work.
- I'm prête à partir voici,
nothing holding me back.
I'm like a sexy Macy's
Thanksgiving balloon,
but with no straps,
ready to float wherever
the wind takes me,
not tethered to New York
by a kind-eyed everyman.
- I'm also good, obviously.
Kind of the normal in the group.
Nary a problem.
Why? Because I'm the glue.
Nothing gumming up my glue tip.
Just slick, predictable
glue, ready to stick.
Always smooth, always glue!
- I love you, Collab!
- Keep me in your basement!
- What's happening
now will last forever!
- Yeah, let's go!
- Seriously, guys. Look
how far we've come.
We were invited to be
on this stage tonight
to sing music that we made.
- Aww.
- Wait, are you crying?
I'm the one that normally cries.
Come on.
- Give it up for Collab!
- Freaking hormones.
- Yo, yo! It's your boys!
Broyce, Brace, Brice,
Breece, and Braxter!
You ready to
honey-do this thing?
- Then sit tight. We'll
be back in 20 minis.
We're trying out openers, y'all.
- I hate openers!
- I'm leaving for
chicken and alcohol.
- Dude, where are you going?
- Here you go.
- Hey, no moose faces.
We're fucking
likeable. Let's do it.
- Please welcome Girls5eva.
- Hello, New York!
- Hit it, boys, and one
girl with the longer guitar.
- Yeah!
- Gloria, I love you!
- Keep me in your basement!
- Shattering your knee was
worth it for that song.
- I mean, hey, I
think I have groupies.
That's new!
Is that gonna be
what a tour is like?
- Snuggle up.
- Please?
Hey, yo, my act really hinges
on crowd participation.
- My God, people are leaving.
Now you're getting it.
- If I were a betting man...
And I am, it's a problem...
I'd get your passports in order.
- Whoo!
- Ahh!
- Shit!
But seriously, who
wants to take that bet?
I'm in the hole after
the Rangers game,
and I don't even know
what sport they do.
- Whoo!
- Sharp cheddar,
this is getting real.
- To tour mode!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Dawn, you're hesitating.
You're pregnant?
- Jesus.
- Yes, I'm pregnant.
- Ah!
I'm handling the
quizzes at the shower.
- Planned?
- I don't really
want to get into it,
but one day I was
desperate for a hair tie,
and my NuvaRing was
right there, so...
I mean, I know it's a curveball,
but I think we can make
it work as long as we...
- Honey, do you really think a
grueling tour is a good idea?
- Well, I did tons of physical
stuff when I was pregnant.
You know, Zumba, and Peloton,
and I hit two mail trucks.
Why do they stop all
the time? Just drive!
- It's just, my aunt Ronnie
was an older pregnant lady,
and she overexerted herself,
and her baby grew up
to be a Disney adult.
A Disney adult, Dawn.
- Are you...
Are you saying I shouldn't go?
- What the fuzz, Wick?
You trying to kick her out
because she took one
solo in the album?
- No!
I'm just looking
out for my friend.
- Am I being reckless?
- We'd understand if you
wanted to stay local.
- Shut your butts!
Stevia's going live.
- Hey, guys.
- Yo, yo, did someone say fam?
- No.
- 'Cause I'm fam.
And I'm super stoked to be
here when my baby girl opens up
her Hype House acceptance DMs.
- You have keto breath.
- Truth.
Now, which hat is it gonna be?
- Let's see.
Oh, my God.
Nowhere?
- Not even Cringe Palace?
Isn't there some
kind of waitlist
in case a bro-bro
gets canceled, y'all?
- Oh, sorry, Sum.
- It's probably for the best.
- Well, everything's
in the right spot.
You have one baby,
and one little LEGO man hat
in the intestinal tract.
But that will
disintegrate over time.
- I do have some
lifestyle questions.
- Mm-hmm?
- Um...
Can I run in heels? And
what about thrusting?
Secondhand stage fog?
Wh-what about
glitter inhalation?
- Oh, I see what
you're getting at.
Yes, yes, you can
play a prostitute
in an Italian art film.
- No, it's just, there's
a "Danger Geriatric" stamp
on my file, and
I read some stuff
comparing my eggs to the kind
that an old man pulls loose
from a corduroy pocket.
- Ugh, a lot of that
language is vestigial
from when women over
35 were categorized
as "medically gross."
Don't worry. How old are you?
- I'm 40.
- Oh, you're a widdle baby.
You are...
Yep.
Ms. Solano, you are the
youngest pregnant woman
in our entire system.
- How is that even possible?
- It's New York City.
The average 38 year
old only owns a laptop
and two Amy's frozen burritos.
Everybody waits here.
- Really?
- Really.
- Shit, I'm down to one.
- Mm-hmm.
- But her eyebrow game
can definitely come up.
- What if I donate
an Instagram wall
with "swole" written
in AstroTurf?
- Well, we'll get
her a STEM tutor...
You know, selfies,
TikToks, emojis, and memes?
- Mm-hmm.
- Dang it!
- Dang it to fuck!
Kev.
- What did you just say?
- Nothing.
I don't even know that word.
- Okay, Kev, look.
I know that Stevia is
incredibly disappointed.
- What about Larry's hype house?
- What?
- Or an evangelical birthright
where she visits
the condo in Orlando
where Jesus was born?
- Stop it! Stevia
can just stay here.
- No, you stop it!
I am not going to
be a single dad.
- Oh!
- I've only ever
been a weekend dad.
What do you do on a Wednesday?
Is that when she eats?
- She eats all the days!
- Oh, slow down, Sum!
I am not a natural
caretaker. All my crabs died.
Their chalky white
paste is on my hands.
Crabs don't have
traditional blood.
I can't take this on.
I'm dealing with a lot!
Realtor!
I live in a basement, and
I'm afraid of the dryer.
I'm sorry, ex-babe. You
can't go on tour, ex-babe.
- Nothing wrong with that egg.
- Guys, I am in for the tour,
and I wanna learn saxophone.
- But...
what if we're in France
and your baby gets "Taken"?
Scott doesn't have the
skills for that, Dawn.
You think he's gonna get it back
by rearranging books by color?
- Wickie, what is
wrong with you?
- And, Gloria, you just
rekindled your relationship
with the luminous and
irreplaceable Cindy.
- Caroline.
- Well, you abandon her,
and the nightmare starts.
Mark my words.
Cynthia will stray.
She's got the stubby
thumbs of a serial cheater.
- You just called her luminous.
- I know that camp
doesn't start till July.
I was just wondering
if maybe there was
an off-season groundskeeper.
- And, Summer,
you can't leave Stevia with Kev!
She'll kill him!
- What the hell is
going on with you?
- Why are you trying
to kill the tour?
I'm in love!
Okay? I'm in love.
I'm in love... I'm in love
with the stupid lunch lord.
- Who?
- Oh.
- Oh, my God, he's...
He's cute, and he's
honest...
And I can't stop
thinking about him
even though he owns zero
planes and a mug that says,
"Keep calm and
hate the Dodgers."
He even likes my busted foot.
- Eww. But is he,
like, too into it?
- No, he's only fine with it.
It's normal levels
of acceptance.
I blame you for this!
You did this to me.
You made me evolve.
You are the Galapagan insects
that smooshed my finch beak!
Damn it!
- Wickie is right.
I can't leave Stevia with Kev.
And my parents can't
watch her because they're
"building churches in Haiti."
But this bible quote they
just posted is geotagged
at the "Dirty Fox Casino and
Clothing-Optional Waterpark."
- Ooh, they're backsliding.
- Yeah.
Ugh!
How am I the
grown-up in my world?
Oh, wait, honey.
Could you watch Stevia?
- I'm going on
the tour with you.
- Ugh, right.
- The tour's gonna
be a nightmare.
Wickie's right.
I'd leave, Caroline
would feel neglected,
so she goes and gets
drunk one night,
and she slips up, and
then I'm devastated.
- Oh.
- And then I have
guilt-free permission
to explore everything
that's out there for me.
Why aren't you
doing a proud face?
- Nothing proud is happening.
- Oh.
You're the one that's always
trying to get me to branch out.
I've only been with one
woman my whole life.
- Well, you're treating our tour
the same way that
Kev treated Tampa.
You get to do your
thang, but it's not fair
to the luminous woman
waiting for you back home.
Gloria, I wasted years
of my life just sitting
in a kitchen staring
at, like, cups.
- No, all I want to do is
hold on to the relationship
that I cherish but
experience the things
I never got to so I'll know
that she's the right one.
- That's called cheating.
- I wonder if the tour would
go by that Dirty Fox Waterpark.
- Oh, good Lord.
- It started that way.
- What started what way?
I was just putting up
an Ansel Adams poster
of a cool mountain.
- Sheawn Last Name Unknown,
if we get this tour, part
of me doesn't want to go,
and it's not because
I'm seeking comfort
or I'm Ryan Salging.
It's because I want
to be with you.
And I think you and
I could maybe work
because Sandra Bullock's
with a children's
birthday photographer.
- I like you, too, Wickie.
But you're a star,
like Vin Diesel or
the Monopoly top hat.
And I'd be mad if you didn't go
'cause I would never
want to be that guy
to piss out your light.
- Aww.
Can I chaperone
the dance with you?
- Okay.
So you ready to be seen in
public with a lunch lord?
Right on!
Ooh, baby.
- You're an actual lord?
The universe is rewarding
me for being pure of heart
and for falling for
a village normling.
- Nah.
I did three tours in Iraq.
- Oh.
Okay!
- It was traumatizing.
- My attacks on you all
yesterday were P-BAGS.
Pew, pew, pew, et cetera.
I'm in for the tour.
- Hey, Tate.
- I've got some VIBs
who would like a word.
- Drew and Jonathan.
- Sorry we couldn't
make the show.
We do like 800 episodes of
"Property Brothers" a year,
and we're in the
middle of Toronto Week.
- Ooh, sounds exotic!
- But we watched the footage.
You did an amazing job.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Mr. and
Mr. Property.
- It's just...
Actually, we're in the
dream-making business.
Tate, tell them they
didn't get the tour.
- You didn't get the tour.
- We didn't get it?
- See, Joel, that's the face
that the Ballmores should
make when I'm like,
"But we're not done. Yep,
a craft room for Mom."
- Ugh, who would even want that?
- This is absurd.
We should be getting the
good news, not the Ballmores.
- We put our blood, sweat,
and knees into this album.
- Yeah.
- I know,
but life isn't a wish machine.
You don't always get to do the
exact thing you're best at.
For me, it's this.
Sharing screen...
- Fight reel?
- What?
- Are you watching in awe?
Your faces are too
small. I can't tell.
Ugh, I hate Zoom.
- You should have
been Jack Ryan, sir.
- I know.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, I did not wanna
say this over there,
but which one was cuter?
- How'd this happen?
We were so much
better than Co-Z Boi.
- Yeah, it's ageism.
They don't want to
deal with grown-ass,
informed women with opinions.
- Really?
Name the governor
of New York, Dawn.
- Garby... Karbondo.
- I'm sorry I doubted you.
- Look, guys.
I know that this sucks, but
maybe it is for the best.
I don't have anyone
to watch Stevia.
Wickie is in love.
Dawn could only
crowd-surf on her side.
- Yeah, I mean, it's
not like it's '99
where all we had to think about
was how many thongs to pack.
- 47.
- Nope.
None of this is
sitting right with me.
We deserve this tour.
And I've watched enough
true crime to know
when there's more to a story.
- Let it go, Gloria.
- Well, letting go
is not my brand.
I know that building.
Holy shit, they're shooting
New York for Toronto!
- It rarely goes that direction.
- With the money we saved
on the backsplash...
- This reno came in
$40 under budget.
- Money was super
important to our budget.
- They're they are!
- Is this even our house?
- Hey!
Why didn't Girls5eva
get the opener gig?
- Sorry, we're in the middle...
- Sexism, ageism?
Which ism ism it?
- Co-Z Boi was
just a better fit.
- How? People walked out.
- I'm sorry, but this just
isn't the right time, okay?
Can we just get a little B-roll
of me and the wallpaper...
- I'm not leaving.
- Come on.
- Look, the one with the
beard, we deserve the truth.
And I'm willing to
fight you for it.
- Are you kidding?
- Do it, bitch.
- Come on.
- Ah!
- Yeah.
- Oh! Who is that?
- Come on. Come at me!
Ah!
- Do you yield?
- Eat shit, modern Jesus!
Asshole!
- Not my cabinet!
- Ah!
- Ah!
- Come on!
- My Pela windows!
- Boom in the shot!
- Oh, God.
- Come on!
That all you got?
Right in the brothers!
- Oh.
- That's titanium, motherfucker.
- Kill him. Do it, please.
- Jesus.
- Okay, okay!
It was an ism!
Moneyism.
- You mean capitalism?
- Shut up, Jonathan!
Look, the opener has a
function up there, to die.
- What?
- It's so people hit up
concessions and buy chicken,
alcohol, and our
new scented hammers.
- Alcohol and hammers...
Admittedly not the best combo.
Look, you were great.
It's just that this is a
business venture for us.
- So we lost because
people stayed and liked it?
- Especially the moms.
They're the ones
with the wallets.
- But thank you for the fight.
It's the only time I
feel anything anymore.
When we come back,
we're talking to Kaitlyn
about her dream she shed.
- Rrr.
- Oh-ho-ho-ho.
- We were too good?
My curse!
- If the Property Brothers
aren't gonna back us,
then we need to back ourselves!
Guys,
we need to do our own tour.
- Yeah, but how?
We don't have any
infrastructure.
No promoter, no venues
lined up, no bus.
- Gloria, I know you want to do
your no consequence eff-spree...
- No, it's not only that.
People liked us.
Our peers liked us.
- That is better
than our old fanbase
of bald pervs begging for
lipstick prints on their heads.
I don't know though.
Where would we even start?
Ugh.
- Yo, it's Bootsy Tings!
- What do you want, Stinker?
- It's Bootsy Tings.
I've never been anyone else.
Any-y'all, is this y'all's song?
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, it is our song.
- It is...
- What?
- Hey, y'all got
to get down here!
Y'all are huge in Fort Worth!
- You guys, we have 28,000
streams on SoundCloud.
- No.
- There was a hole
in the marketplace!
- Well, I guess we
found our first stop.
- Ayy!
- Come on!
- Whoo!
- You guys have fun!
- What...
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, I can't go.
Kev can't take over
for me, but it's okay.
It is.
You guys have never
really needed me.
I just do the feminasty phrases,
and we don't even have
those anymore, so...
- Honey.
- Oh.
- You haven't been
useless in months.
- Hey, you co-wrote
a song with me.
And you're actually
singing on this album.
- Yeah, and you're
our moral compass.
We're three pieces
of shit without you.
- Maybe not me.
- That is exactly
what a self-centered
piece of shit would say.
- I guess I have
really grown a lot.
Maybe... Kev can grow too.
- Okay, okay!
- Amen.
- Okay, I'm in. I'm in!
But only if you promise to
be honest with Caroline.
- Fine.
- Now everyone go
clean up your shit
and pack 47 underwears
of your choice.
- Kev.
I'm going on the tour. You're
gonna stay with Stevia.
- No, I'm not to be trusted!
- You'll figure it out,
just like I had to
when you went to Tampa.
- Hey, listen to me.
Be her best friend,
not her parent.
Win her heart
through possessions.
- Oh.
- And find out what she's
up to by posing as an older,
very cool CGI shapewear
CEO on TikTok.
I'll give you the account
and the password I made up.
Also...
- Can I get paper?
- Hey, buddy. You're
gonna be a big brother.
- I wanna play lacrosse!
- There goes our
New York lonely boy.
- That happened too fast.
Jesus, Max!
- I guess this is
goodbye forever.
- Why?
- Because I'm leaving, and
you can't come with me.
- Wickie, I don't
want this to end.
There's technology now. We
can just J.O. over FaceTime.
- I'd like that.
- Look, my path may
lead right back to you,
and I know you said it
isn't great out there,
but I have to learn
that for myself.
I'm so sorry, and I love you.
- Oh, fuck you for this shit!
You rope me back in just
to cut the fucking rope?
- You just keep the
fucking apartment, okay?
- Then I just mix it up.
- You got it.
- Oh, I'm scared,
but I'm doing it!
- You got it! Yeah!
- Stevia!
This is your food!
- All right.
- Ahh!
- Whoo!
- I could ride in this!
- Hey.
I needed new wheels since
the Cube blew up, anyway.
- I'm Percy.
I'm scared on highways.
- Are you scared of bags?
- No.
- Here's some food for the road.
The hot one's bagel pizzas
and the wet one's peaches.
- Lunch lord.
I've only ever said
this to a golf cart
I thought contained
Billy Porter, but...
I love you.
- I love you too.
It'd be nice if you
called me Sheawn.
- Muah.
- We'll meet you in every
city that has good ramen.
- Good luck, Mommy.
- Mm, thank you, my babe.
Muah. I love you both so much.
- Are you Ted Lasso-ing? No
one will root for you, miss!
- Shut up, and let
me live my life!
- Get outta here!
- Fuck off!
- Whoo!
- Come on! Okay.
I'm gonna learn maps!
- Bye!
- Next stop, Fort Worth.
After that, I don't know.
We'll figure it out.
Tour mode! Whoo!
- Tour mode!
- Tour mode!
- I forgot all my bras.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
mixing up your Chastains
and your Dallas Howards,
not a surprise baby.
- I'll never get over the
fact that I can make life
with my penis.
It puts the other
parts to shame.
Oh, eyes, oh, yeah,
you can see a boat?
Great, come back to me
when you can make one.
- They really age-shame you
with this take-home literature.
"The Over 35
Geriatric Pregnancy:
There Be Monsters."
"Like Dresden after
the Allied firebombing,
your uterus is a shell
of its former..."
- Ignore that.
We're getting you
a better doctor.
- This kid's graduation,
are we gonna have
to be the parents
who sit on the aisle?
- Hey, hey, hey, look.
You know I want this,
but are you good here?
- Yeah, I am.
It's just, the
timing is bananas.
We have this tour on the table.
And will America be as
kind to a female Ted Lasso
who leaves her
family to go abroad?
I think not.
And Wickie, I know
she's gonna see this
as me holding the group back.
- Hey, take a breath.
- Yeah, you're right.
I'm only six weeks in,
so maybe we hold a beat
before we tell anybody?
- Sure.
But can we just tell a stranger
just to get some of
the telling energy out?
- Yes, ooh, they're coming.
- Oh, hey.
- We're having a baby!
- My penis can make
arms and lungs!
- Oh, okay.
- Let's find somebody else.
- Yes, okay, this way.
- Huh.
Normally, I'd be in an
Uber by now, yet I'm here,
in the light,
eating 200 eggs out
of a catering tray.
Eggs are easy to portion
for two people, Sheawn.
You just stop
cracking after four.
- You sound insane.
Hey, I'm chaperoning
a dance on Thursday.
You wanna be my date?
- Oh, um, maybe.
I just need to see what's
up with all this tour stuff.
- So you don't want to be
seen in public with me?
- No!
I just like it here.
It's all cozy here, um...
This is cool.
- Okay. Mm-hmm.
This is fun.
- Yeah, it's fine.
I get it. I'm
just a lunch lord.
I'm not the guy that comes
to school once a year
to rap about changing bodies,
or a guidance counselor...
- You're sub-Scott?
- Scott's the man.
He can get mail at work.
- It's okay to get
wrapped up in status.
- I'm not!
I buy my sunglasses at a
hut like everybody else.
- Come on, it's gotta annoy you
that you're the total package,
but you're not Beyoncé,
and you should be "yoncé."
I mean, what does she
have that you don't?
- A mother who made her costumes
so she didn't have to
stay up making costumes.
- Oh.
- I want to show you something.
- Okay.
Oh, nice Timb.
- Come on.
- Okay.
So you got weird
toes. So what?
Toes are like a basketball team.
It's five of 'em,
and everybody's doing
their own thing.
See the little white
one? That's Steve Nash.
- Come on tour with me.
- I'd love to.
But switching lunch
lords mid-year
is not good for the kids.
- Totally get it,
don't care, casual.
Shut up.
- Ooh.
- Collab's tour is boy-nanas.
Four months, 20 cities,
sponsored by State Farm.
- State Farm? That's
a real company!
- Tokyo, Paris...
- Oh, my God, Orlando?
- Rome.
- Las Vegas... Orlando?
- Bonnaroo, Coachella,
Tallahassee Fest with Lady A...
And who's Bootsy Tings?
- Oh, after Stinker
got canceled,
he pulled a Nelly and
reinvented himself
as a country act.
- Stinker is from Glendale.
- So it's down to
you and Co-Z Boi
for the official opener slot.
Tomorrow night, you'll
both perform test shows
at Terminal 5,
and the Property Brothers
will make the call.
- We get to perform
at Terminal 5?
That's where I almost saw Lizzo,
and Florence and the
Machine, and Ed Sheeran.
It's really hard
to get a sitter.
- This is big time.
And can I just say, I'm
rooting for Girls5eva
because Co-Z Boi reminds
me of a guy I once dated.
I don't want to
talk about it. Yay!
- Yay!
- Wow.
- A world tour and I'm
moving in with Caroline?
This is my year.
- Well, the timing couldn't
be more perfect for me.
Stevia's about to find out
which hype house she got into.
Her first choice
is Content Crib,
but her backup is SUNY
Steez Castle, so...
- Hey, and she just
goes and lives there?
- Yeah, that's how houses work.
- I'm prête à partir voici,
nothing holding me back.
I'm like a sexy Macy's
Thanksgiving balloon,
but with no straps,
ready to float wherever
the wind takes me,
not tethered to New York
by a kind-eyed everyman.
- I'm also good, obviously.
Kind of the normal in the group.
Nary a problem.
Why? Because I'm the glue.
Nothing gumming up my glue tip.
Just slick, predictable
glue, ready to stick.
Always smooth, always glue!
- I love you, Collab!
- Keep me in your basement!
- What's happening
now will last forever!
- Yeah, let's go!
- Seriously, guys. Look
how far we've come.
We were invited to be
on this stage tonight
to sing music that we made.
- Aww.
- Wait, are you crying?
I'm the one that normally cries.
Come on.
- Give it up for Collab!
- Freaking hormones.
- Yo, yo! It's your boys!
Broyce, Brace, Brice,
Breece, and Braxter!
You ready to
honey-do this thing?
- Then sit tight. We'll
be back in 20 minis.
We're trying out openers, y'all.
- I hate openers!
- I'm leaving for
chicken and alcohol.
- Dude, where are you going?
- Here you go.
- Hey, no moose faces.
We're fucking
likeable. Let's do it.
- Please welcome Girls5eva.
- Hello, New York!
- Hit it, boys, and one
girl with the longer guitar.
- Yeah!
- Gloria, I love you!
- Keep me in your basement!
- Shattering your knee was
worth it for that song.
- I mean, hey, I
think I have groupies.
That's new!
Is that gonna be
what a tour is like?
- Snuggle up.
- Please?
Hey, yo, my act really hinges
on crowd participation.
- My God, people are leaving.
Now you're getting it.
- If I were a betting man...
And I am, it's a problem...
I'd get your passports in order.
- Whoo!
- Ahh!
- Shit!
But seriously, who
wants to take that bet?
I'm in the hole after
the Rangers game,
and I don't even know
what sport they do.
- Whoo!
- Sharp cheddar,
this is getting real.
- To tour mode!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Dawn, you're hesitating.
You're pregnant?
- Jesus.
- Yes, I'm pregnant.
- Ah!
I'm handling the
quizzes at the shower.
- Planned?
- I don't really
want to get into it,
but one day I was
desperate for a hair tie,
and my NuvaRing was
right there, so...
I mean, I know it's a curveball,
but I think we can make
it work as long as we...
- Honey, do you really think a
grueling tour is a good idea?
- Well, I did tons of physical
stuff when I was pregnant.
You know, Zumba, and Peloton,
and I hit two mail trucks.
Why do they stop all
the time? Just drive!
- It's just, my aunt Ronnie
was an older pregnant lady,
and she overexerted herself,
and her baby grew up
to be a Disney adult.
A Disney adult, Dawn.
- Are you...
Are you saying I shouldn't go?
- What the fuzz, Wick?
You trying to kick her out
because she took one
solo in the album?
- No!
I'm just looking
out for my friend.
- Am I being reckless?
- We'd understand if you
wanted to stay local.
- Shut your butts!
Stevia's going live.
- Hey, guys.
- Yo, yo, did someone say fam?
- No.
- 'Cause I'm fam.
And I'm super stoked to be
here when my baby girl opens up
her Hype House acceptance DMs.
- You have keto breath.
- Truth.
Now, which hat is it gonna be?
- Let's see.
Oh, my God.
Nowhere?
- Not even Cringe Palace?
Isn't there some
kind of waitlist
in case a bro-bro
gets canceled, y'all?
- Oh, sorry, Sum.
- It's probably for the best.
- Well, everything's
in the right spot.
You have one baby,
and one little LEGO man hat
in the intestinal tract.
But that will
disintegrate over time.
- I do have some
lifestyle questions.
- Mm-hmm?
- Um...
Can I run in heels? And
what about thrusting?
Secondhand stage fog?
Wh-what about
glitter inhalation?
- Oh, I see what
you're getting at.
Yes, yes, you can
play a prostitute
in an Italian art film.
- No, it's just, there's
a "Danger Geriatric" stamp
on my file, and
I read some stuff
comparing my eggs to the kind
that an old man pulls loose
from a corduroy pocket.
- Ugh, a lot of that
language is vestigial
from when women over
35 were categorized
as "medically gross."
Don't worry. How old are you?
- I'm 40.
- Oh, you're a widdle baby.
You are...
Yep.
Ms. Solano, you are the
youngest pregnant woman
in our entire system.
- How is that even possible?
- It's New York City.
The average 38 year
old only owns a laptop
and two Amy's frozen burritos.
Everybody waits here.
- Really?
- Really.
- Shit, I'm down to one.
- Mm-hmm.
- But her eyebrow game
can definitely come up.
- What if I donate
an Instagram wall
with "swole" written
in AstroTurf?
- Well, we'll get
her a STEM tutor...
You know, selfies,
TikToks, emojis, and memes?
- Mm-hmm.
- Dang it!
- Dang it to fuck!
Kev.
- What did you just say?
- Nothing.
I don't even know that word.
- Okay, Kev, look.
I know that Stevia is
incredibly disappointed.
- What about Larry's hype house?
- What?
- Or an evangelical birthright
where she visits
the condo in Orlando
where Jesus was born?
- Stop it! Stevia
can just stay here.
- No, you stop it!
I am not going to
be a single dad.
- Oh!
- I've only ever
been a weekend dad.
What do you do on a Wednesday?
Is that when she eats?
- She eats all the days!
- Oh, slow down, Sum!
I am not a natural
caretaker. All my crabs died.
Their chalky white
paste is on my hands.
Crabs don't have
traditional blood.
I can't take this on.
I'm dealing with a lot!
Realtor!
I live in a basement, and
I'm afraid of the dryer.
I'm sorry, ex-babe. You
can't go on tour, ex-babe.
- Nothing wrong with that egg.
- Guys, I am in for the tour,
and I wanna learn saxophone.
- But...
what if we're in France
and your baby gets "Taken"?
Scott doesn't have the
skills for that, Dawn.
You think he's gonna get it back
by rearranging books by color?
- Wickie, what is
wrong with you?
- And, Gloria, you just
rekindled your relationship
with the luminous and
irreplaceable Cindy.
- Caroline.
- Well, you abandon her,
and the nightmare starts.
Mark my words.
Cynthia will stray.
She's got the stubby
thumbs of a serial cheater.
- You just called her luminous.
- I know that camp
doesn't start till July.
I was just wondering
if maybe there was
an off-season groundskeeper.
- And, Summer,
you can't leave Stevia with Kev!
She'll kill him!
- What the hell is
going on with you?
- Why are you trying
to kill the tour?
I'm in love!
Okay? I'm in love.
I'm in love... I'm in love
with the stupid lunch lord.
- Who?
- Oh.
- Oh, my God, he's...
He's cute, and he's
honest...
And I can't stop
thinking about him
even though he owns zero
planes and a mug that says,
"Keep calm and
hate the Dodgers."
He even likes my busted foot.
- Eww. But is he,
like, too into it?
- No, he's only fine with it.
It's normal levels
of acceptance.
I blame you for this!
You did this to me.
You made me evolve.
You are the Galapagan insects
that smooshed my finch beak!
Damn it!
- Wickie is right.
I can't leave Stevia with Kev.
And my parents can't
watch her because they're
"building churches in Haiti."
But this bible quote they
just posted is geotagged
at the "Dirty Fox Casino and
Clothing-Optional Waterpark."
- Ooh, they're backsliding.
- Yeah.
Ugh!
How am I the
grown-up in my world?
Oh, wait, honey.
Could you watch Stevia?
- I'm going on
the tour with you.
- Ugh, right.
- The tour's gonna
be a nightmare.
Wickie's right.
I'd leave, Caroline
would feel neglected,
so she goes and gets
drunk one night,
and she slips up, and
then I'm devastated.
- Oh.
- And then I have
guilt-free permission
to explore everything
that's out there for me.
Why aren't you
doing a proud face?
- Nothing proud is happening.
- Oh.
You're the one that's always
trying to get me to branch out.
I've only been with one
woman my whole life.
- Well, you're treating our tour
the same way that
Kev treated Tampa.
You get to do your
thang, but it's not fair
to the luminous woman
waiting for you back home.
Gloria, I wasted years
of my life just sitting
in a kitchen staring
at, like, cups.
- No, all I want to do is
hold on to the relationship
that I cherish but
experience the things
I never got to so I'll know
that she's the right one.
- That's called cheating.
- I wonder if the tour would
go by that Dirty Fox Waterpark.
- Oh, good Lord.
- It started that way.
- What started what way?
I was just putting up
an Ansel Adams poster
of a cool mountain.
- Sheawn Last Name Unknown,
if we get this tour, part
of me doesn't want to go,
and it's not because
I'm seeking comfort
or I'm Ryan Salging.
It's because I want
to be with you.
And I think you and
I could maybe work
because Sandra Bullock's
with a children's
birthday photographer.
- I like you, too, Wickie.
But you're a star,
like Vin Diesel or
the Monopoly top hat.
And I'd be mad if you didn't go
'cause I would never
want to be that guy
to piss out your light.
- Aww.
Can I chaperone
the dance with you?
- Okay.
So you ready to be seen in
public with a lunch lord?
Right on!
Ooh, baby.
- You're an actual lord?
The universe is rewarding
me for being pure of heart
and for falling for
a village normling.
- Nah.
I did three tours in Iraq.
- Oh.
Okay!
- It was traumatizing.
- My attacks on you all
yesterday were P-BAGS.
Pew, pew, pew, et cetera.
I'm in for the tour.
- Hey, Tate.
- I've got some VIBs
who would like a word.
- Drew and Jonathan.
- Sorry we couldn't
make the show.
We do like 800 episodes of
"Property Brothers" a year,
and we're in the
middle of Toronto Week.
- Ooh, sounds exotic!
- But we watched the footage.
You did an amazing job.
- Thank you.
- Thank you, Mr. and
Mr. Property.
- It's just...
Actually, we're in the
dream-making business.
Tate, tell them they
didn't get the tour.
- You didn't get the tour.
- We didn't get it?
- See, Joel, that's the face
that the Ballmores should
make when I'm like,
"But we're not done. Yep,
a craft room for Mom."
- Ugh, who would even want that?
- This is absurd.
We should be getting the
good news, not the Ballmores.
- We put our blood, sweat,
and knees into this album.
- Yeah.
- I know,
but life isn't a wish machine.
You don't always get to do the
exact thing you're best at.
For me, it's this.
Sharing screen...
- Fight reel?
- What?
- Are you watching in awe?
Your faces are too
small. I can't tell.
Ugh, I hate Zoom.
- You should have
been Jack Ryan, sir.
- I know.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, I did not wanna
say this over there,
but which one was cuter?
- How'd this happen?
We were so much
better than Co-Z Boi.
- Yeah, it's ageism.
They don't want to
deal with grown-ass,
informed women with opinions.
- Really?
Name the governor
of New York, Dawn.
- Garby... Karbondo.
- I'm sorry I doubted you.
- Look, guys.
I know that this sucks, but
maybe it is for the best.
I don't have anyone
to watch Stevia.
Wickie is in love.
Dawn could only
crowd-surf on her side.
- Yeah, I mean, it's
not like it's '99
where all we had to think about
was how many thongs to pack.
- 47.
- Nope.
None of this is
sitting right with me.
We deserve this tour.
And I've watched enough
true crime to know
when there's more to a story.
- Let it go, Gloria.
- Well, letting go
is not my brand.
I know that building.
Holy shit, they're shooting
New York for Toronto!
- It rarely goes that direction.
- With the money we saved
on the backsplash...
- This reno came in
$40 under budget.
- Money was super
important to our budget.
- They're they are!
- Is this even our house?
- Hey!
Why didn't Girls5eva
get the opener gig?
- Sorry, we're in the middle...
- Sexism, ageism?
Which ism ism it?
- Co-Z Boi was
just a better fit.
- How? People walked out.
- I'm sorry, but this just
isn't the right time, okay?
Can we just get a little B-roll
of me and the wallpaper...
- I'm not leaving.
- Come on.
- Look, the one with the
beard, we deserve the truth.
And I'm willing to
fight you for it.
- Are you kidding?
- Do it, bitch.
- Come on.
- Ah!
- Yeah.
- Oh! Who is that?
- Come on. Come at me!
Ah!
- Do you yield?
- Eat shit, modern Jesus!
Asshole!
- Not my cabinet!
- Ah!
- Ah!
- Come on!
- My Pela windows!
- Boom in the shot!
- Oh, God.
- Come on!
That all you got?
Right in the brothers!
- Oh.
- That's titanium, motherfucker.
- Kill him. Do it, please.
- Jesus.
- Okay, okay!
It was an ism!
Moneyism.
- You mean capitalism?
- Shut up, Jonathan!
Look, the opener has a
function up there, to die.
- What?
- It's so people hit up
concessions and buy chicken,
alcohol, and our
new scented hammers.
- Alcohol and hammers...
Admittedly not the best combo.
Look, you were great.
It's just that this is a
business venture for us.
- So we lost because
people stayed and liked it?
- Especially the moms.
They're the ones
with the wallets.
- But thank you for the fight.
It's the only time I
feel anything anymore.
When we come back,
we're talking to Kaitlyn
about her dream she shed.
- Rrr.
- Oh-ho-ho-ho.
- We were too good?
My curse!
- If the Property Brothers
aren't gonna back us,
then we need to back ourselves!
Guys,
we need to do our own tour.
- Yeah, but how?
We don't have any
infrastructure.
No promoter, no venues
lined up, no bus.
- Gloria, I know you want to do
your no consequence eff-spree...
- No, it's not only that.
People liked us.
Our peers liked us.
- That is better
than our old fanbase
of bald pervs begging for
lipstick prints on their heads.
I don't know though.
Where would we even start?
Ugh.
- Yo, it's Bootsy Tings!
- What do you want, Stinker?
- It's Bootsy Tings.
I've never been anyone else.
Any-y'all, is this y'all's song?
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, it is our song.
- It is...
- What?
- Hey, y'all got
to get down here!
Y'all are huge in Fort Worth!
- You guys, we have 28,000
streams on SoundCloud.
- No.
- There was a hole
in the marketplace!
- Well, I guess we
found our first stop.
- Ayy!
- Come on!
- Whoo!
- You guys have fun!
- What...
- What are you talking about?
- Oh, I can't go.
Kev can't take over
for me, but it's okay.
It is.
You guys have never
really needed me.
I just do the feminasty phrases,
and we don't even have
those anymore, so...
- Honey.
- Oh.
- You haven't been
useless in months.
- Hey, you co-wrote
a song with me.
And you're actually
singing on this album.
- Yeah, and you're
our moral compass.
We're three pieces
of shit without you.
- Maybe not me.
- That is exactly
what a self-centered
piece of shit would say.
- I guess I have
really grown a lot.
Maybe... Kev can grow too.
- Okay, okay!
- Amen.
- Okay, I'm in. I'm in!
But only if you promise to
be honest with Caroline.
- Fine.
- Now everyone go
clean up your shit
and pack 47 underwears
of your choice.
- Kev.
I'm going on the tour. You're
gonna stay with Stevia.
- No, I'm not to be trusted!
- You'll figure it out,
just like I had to
when you went to Tampa.
- Hey, listen to me.
Be her best friend,
not her parent.
Win her heart
through possessions.
- Oh.
- And find out what she's
up to by posing as an older,
very cool CGI shapewear
CEO on TikTok.
I'll give you the account
and the password I made up.
Also...
- Can I get paper?
- Hey, buddy. You're
gonna be a big brother.
- I wanna play lacrosse!
- There goes our
New York lonely boy.
- That happened too fast.
Jesus, Max!
- I guess this is
goodbye forever.
- Why?
- Because I'm leaving, and
you can't come with me.
- Wickie, I don't
want this to end.
There's technology now. We
can just J.O. over FaceTime.
- I'd like that.
- Look, my path may
lead right back to you,
and I know you said it
isn't great out there,
but I have to learn
that for myself.
I'm so sorry, and I love you.
- Oh, fuck you for this shit!
You rope me back in just
to cut the fucking rope?
- You just keep the
fucking apartment, okay?
- Then I just mix it up.
- You got it.
- Oh, I'm scared,
but I'm doing it!
- You got it! Yeah!
- Stevia!
This is your food!
- All right.
- Ahh!
- Whoo!
- I could ride in this!
- Hey.
I needed new wheels since
the Cube blew up, anyway.
- I'm Percy.
I'm scared on highways.
- Are you scared of bags?
- No.
- Here's some food for the road.
The hot one's bagel pizzas
and the wet one's peaches.
- Lunch lord.
I've only ever said
this to a golf cart
I thought contained
Billy Porter, but...
I love you.
- I love you too.
It'd be nice if you
called me Sheawn.
- Muah.
- We'll meet you in every
city that has good ramen.
- Good luck, Mommy.
- Mm, thank you, my babe.
Muah. I love you both so much.
- Are you Ted Lasso-ing? No
one will root for you, miss!
- Shut up, and let
me live my life!
- Get outta here!
- Fuck off!
- Whoo!
- Come on! Okay.
I'm gonna learn maps!
- Bye!
- Next stop, Fort Worth.
After that, I don't know.
We'll figure it out.
Tour mode! Whoo!
- Tour mode!
- Tour mode!
- I forgot all my bras.
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.