Girls (2012–2017): Season 6, Episode 9 - Goodbye Tour - full transcript

He said he'd meet us at the quad.

...with Anise, like, seven minutes ago.

I'm sorry if that makes me,
like, moralistic or whatever,

but I have my principles.

Uh, where were your principles

when you were rolling around
under a porch with Tom,

like, "Oh, where's my headband?"

Tom is poly and we all know
that. Don't sleep on that fact.

I ain't sleeping on shit

except maybe Tom because he's also bi.

And I'd like to remind the three of
you not to sleep on this friendship



because I know if feels like
it's just gonna be, like,

love and lust pushing you forward,

but lust fades and
friendship never does.

If you nurture it.

- Do you need something?
- Mhn-mhn.

Nope, just loving the vibe
of the campus, very evolved.

Loving the smoothie bar.

Have a beautiful day.

- Somebody's mom?
- No?!

- Oh! She's probably continuing ed.
- That is so sad.

So, yeah, I'm just kind of
amazed to be at this interview.

I mean, to me, professors have always
been people with, you know, like,

MFAs, and country houses, and...

possibly a neck goiter.



When I came here

- two years ago, from Syracuse...
- Mm-hm.

armpit; don't tell anyone...

I had one goal in mind when
I took over this department,

and that was to just pump it
full of fresh blood, you know.

Just like a human heart
beating, beating, beating.

Or a nice young cock.

- Whoa! Yeah.
- Because, hey,

what do you want your
students to leave with?

Hope and wonder and "yes"!

And do you know what
has more possibility

than absolutely anything else?

A nice young cock? Is that... it?

The Internet.

Yes.

And you, my dear, you
write for the Internet.

And, boy, do you write.

And when I read your stuff,

it's honest, it's
frank, it's, "Here I am.

- Fucking take it or leave it."
- Yeah.

You are a fucking hotshot.

Thank you.

Okay, so let's talk logistics.
Um, a hundred students.

- Groups of 25. Doing seminars,
- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

- then a little one-on-one time.
- Mm-hm.

"Cozy time," I like to
call it. Can you do it?

Can you show these students the
real guts and meat of the Internet?

What it's really for?

Yes, I can.

I am 100% the right person
to show them the Internet.

And also, just to bring up,
whatever, the elephant in the room,

I know it's illegal for you to ask.

I know my body's kind of
confusing, but, yes, I am pregnant.

And, ah, I plan to work
right through having

the baby. That is not an issue for me.

I got through a high school
production of "Guys and Dolls"

with full-scale spinal
meningitis. I can do anything.

You know what gave it away as
soon as you came in the door?

- What?
- Breasts.

Gorgeous fruit.

Beautiful.

Pregnant women and young mothers

are the most vital force on this earth,

and when I was pregnant, oh, my God,

the men that hit on me...

Do you know who Norman Mailer is?

Yeah, Norman Mailer.

He had a friend named Jeff
who was fucking crazy for me.

_

_

♪ Running, running from home ♪

♪ Breaking ties that you'd grown ♪

♪ Catching dreams from the cloud ♪

♪ The city sounds burn your soul ♪

♪ Turn your head to the cries ♪

- ♪ Of loneliness in the night... ♪
- _

Powerful.

♪ I'm in the club, high off purp' ♪

♪ With some shades on ♪

♪ Tatted up, miniskirt, with my Js on ♪

♪ I'm in the club, high on purp' ♪

♪ With some shades on... ♪

- Hello?
- Hi, Hannah?

- Hannah, Phaedra.
- Oh, hi!

Oh, my God, I'm so glad I
answered. When do I ever do that?

'Cause, like, who the hell
wants to talk on the phone?

Well, I do. For hours a night, actually.

Great, yeah. I mean, I love it.

It's just hard to find other,
you know, millennials to engage.

- Hi.
- I just wanted to let you know

that I have spoken with my colleagues

and, despite their old, shriveled balls,

we would like to offer you the position.

Oh! Oh, my God, wow. I mean,

I must have been very impressive.
That was... that was so fast.

We connected hardcore.

Listen, this is so weird,

but my mom always says
that you should sleep on it

before accepting any new job.

And I've literally
never taken her advice,

but I've also never been
successful at a job, so...

I want to take 24 hours to
think about it, if that's okay.

Follow your bliss, my lady.

Just get back to me by Monday.

Okay, great. Thank you so much.

Fuck!

I just don't understand why you
would want to leave New York, okay?

That's like... that's like
something your family makes you do

when you're too deep
into crack to stop them.

That's not something
that a-a young, vibrant,

albeit pregnant, person does.

I don't know, Elijah, I just think
it's time to admit that, like,

New York hasn't brought
me anything but misery.

That's insane!

This is the greatest city in the world.

What are you gonna do?

You're gonna leave,

gonna go up to the goddamn woods
or wherever the fuck you're going.

Teach?

Write?

Live in a house?

I mean, literally all
three of those things.

I don't know, Elijah, you know?

This place is just... it's
too hard to make a living here.

My baby needs some kind of peace.
I don't even have health insurance.

This job has benefits and stuff.

Do you remember when
we first moved here?

Yeah, like it was yesterday.

You proposed on St. Mark's Place,

but then you admitted you had
chlamydia, and you were crying,

and you wouldn't say where it
came from. You said it was a

- McDonald's bathroom.
- Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga.

The details are not important.

What's important is

we agreed to... to live here

and suffer and be miserable

in this godforsaken rat hole together.

Like, that's a contract you and me made.

You can't give up on that.

I don't know.

And if you think I'm gonna move up
there and marry you and be your Tad,

you are sorely mistaken, ma'am.

Probably.

Hey, you want to come sleep with me?

No.

Wait, for sex?

No, what?

I mean, what if it was for sex?

No?

I just want to be clear
about the invitation.

Will you sing to me?

I'll give you one Demi,
but then it's light's out.

I had to unfollow her on
Instagram. It's too much negativity.

♪ Tell me what you want, what you like ♪

♪ It's okay ♪

♪ I'm a little curious, too ♪

♪ Tell me if it's wrong, if it's right ♪

♪ I don't care ♪

♪ I can keep a secret, can you? ♪

♪ Got my mind on your body ♪

♪ And your body on my mind ♪

♪ Want a taste of the cherry ♪

♪ I just need to take a bite ♪

♪ Don't tell your mother ♪

♪ Live for each other ♪

♪ We're cool for the summer ♪

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh. ♪

I think it's wonderful.

I think it's just what you need.

We'll come visit you on the weekends

and you can stay with us
whenever you have work to do.

Go, baby, go.

On the other hand, if-if I had
left New York when I wanted to,

And I bless that sexual
GPS service every day.

Listen, Banana, it's
only a bus ride away.

We can bring cheese, wine,
books, diapers, culture.

Let's do this!

You guys will take the bus?

No. No, I... it was just
an expression of distance.

I was trying to give you a
sense of how close you would be.

Well, this drum circle's as good
a reason to leave New York as any.

- I mean...
- Can't you drum somewhere else?

Ugh! Get a life.

You've reached Marnie Michaels.

Have a blessed day.

Marn, where are you, okay?

I'm trying to figure something
out and I really need you.

_

Does that one send strength?

That one smells really good.

I like the slip top.

Okay, so we need one for
wealth, one for romance,

and also one to promote,
like, an ease of creativity.

Mm, yeah.

Like a candle's gonna
help us find an apartment

- that doesn't smell like hot wings.
- I literally don't care

if it smells like hot wings
as long as you're there.

See? That's why you're my best friend.

I kind of like this one.

- I don't want that in our apartment.
- Oh, okay.

- Right, that? Huh?
- I like purple. It's nice.

It'll go with the wallpaper.

The number you are trying
to call is not reachable.

Ugh, I can't believe this is my
fourth callback for this fucking show.

At some point I'm just gonna
have to ask them, "Hey...

are we fuck buddies
or are we exclusive?"

Well, maybe they're waiting for
your hoop shooting to improve.

How's your goodbye tour?

Confusing.

I mean, can't someone just
tell me exactly what to do,

but in a way that makes
it seem like it's my idea?

Yes. You should have
sex before you leave

'cause I don't know what kind of
dick's gonna be up in the boondocks.

Great idea. I will
call up one of the guys

who would love to have sex with this.

I'm sure there's
plenty of quality people

who would love to have sex
with what you got going on.

And not murder you.

I don't know, maybe you're right.

Maybe I am leaving too
early and I haven't, like,

made a proper mark on this city.

Hannah, you've made so many
wonderful friendships here.

That's not a thing.

I got to go.

- Look. I stole these.
- Oh, my God! I'm so proud of you.

This is the type of fun that we have.

I steal yogurts and
then we laugh about it.

What the fuck are you doing?

- Good luck.
- Thank you.

Kick!

_

This is Greenpoint Avenue.

Next stop, 21st Street.

Stay clear of the closing doors.

Do you need help walking up
the steps or anything, ma'am?

The "ma'am" is a little
much, I would say.

Shall we do it now?

You do yours. You do yours.

Whoa, Caroline, hi.

My darling one.

- Oh.
- Wow.

It's... it's really wild to see you.

We did not know, uh, if you were alive.

Ooh, wow.

Ahhh...

Life's so wild, isn't it?

Isn't it?

I mean, you know, who
knew all you needed

was the right cocktail of pills

and then you could really stabilize.

I mean, for now. Who knows for sure?

And you, my beauty,

how are you experiencing life?

Laird tells me that...

you are with child.

I am, yes. I'm carrying a child

and it looks like I'm gonna be
moving, ah, out of the city, so.

Good. Good. I'm fairly certain that...

my leaving the city is what cured me.

- Really?
- Oh, yes.

And a very short but
powerful stay in the hospital.

- Yeah.
- So, yes.

Yes.

Yes, Hannah, go.

Go. I release you like a bird,

like a wild bird into the
night. I release you like a bird!

Go! Go!

You know, I forgot something that
I was gonna get at the corner store.

- Bye, Sample.
- Oh.

Well, I didn't mean right now, but, yes.

Marn, call me back, okay?

I have an actual problem
about actual life. Please.

- Rice.
- I know it's so traditional

to throw rice, but I just don't
think I want them throwing it,

because then the pigeons eat it, and
I hear they die, I don't want that

- on my conscience, you know?
- Hey. Hi.

Hannah.

Hi, um...

I'm so sorry, will
you guys just excuse me

- for just one second?
- Yeah.

Um... hi.

I don't mean to be rude,
but what are you doing here?

- Ah, well, I stopped by to see you,
- Hey.

but it seems like maybe
I picked a bad time.

Uh, yeah, actually, you kind of did.

You had a party and
you didn't invite me?

I mean, this place
is, like, at capacity.

Yeah, I did.

Which would be strange, except

you're having a baby and you
neglected to tell me after you

literally told everyone else
on the face of the earth.

So, um, I guess that just kind
of says who we are to each other.

Will you actually excuse
me? It's just kind of

impolite to leave your guests
hanging at your own engagement party.

- Shosh...
- My God!

You're engaged?

This is an engagement party for you?

Yeah, so, um, you know,
I'm still at my mom's condo.

- Like, a totally tough situation
- Yeah.

and all my stuff is in
these cute little things

- at Manhattan Mini Storage.
- What the fuck is going on?

Why didn't you answer
any of my calls all day?

Could you, uh... just, we'll be back.

Or we won't.

I didn't want you to feel left out.

Good job. Yeah, it worked super great.

What the fuck is this party?

- Shosh is engaged.
- I can see that.

I didn't even know
she was dating anyone.

It's actually very
cute. She and Byron met

at a Sprinkles vending
machine for cupcakes.

I just... I don't even know if
she has a new number or something.

- Hello!
- Hello, everyone.

- Hi!
- Pardon us.

We just wanted to take a moment

to thank our most important people

for gathering in our
newly shared dwelling

for this very important soiree.

We are so happy to have everyone
we love most in one place

- to celebrate the fact that I asked...
- And I said yes!

And I know that we moved fast

and that doesn't always work out.

- No, it doesn't.
- Jesus.

- You're here, too?
- Yeah, Shosh and I are bros.

...and I truly cannot
wait to be Mrs. Byron Long.

Aw!

- I love you!
- I love you!

- Mmm.
- Cheers!

- Cheers!
- Cheers, guys! Enjoy.

This is insane.

Hannah, hi.

Um, since you're here, this is Byron.

- Hi.
- Pleasure, Byron.

So, um, basically, you're
gonna act as if you invited me?

Uh, yeah, I think I'm gonna pretend like

I invited you to my engagement party,

and you wore overalls, which
is a pretty typical move.

Slim, I'm gonna go out
and grab some ice.

- All right. I love you, Sticks.
- Love you.

I mean, what am I gonna do, like,

start a fight and ruin this for
Byron and for me? I don't think so.

- Hey!
- Not you, and not now.

- Not in the mood.
- Okay, you know what?

I can't handle this right now.

So, my fiancé has gone to get ice

and I'm going to enjoy
my engagement party, okay?

No. Group meeting, outside, now.

- Gross.
- No.

Okay, group meeting in the
bathroom. Let's do that.

Marnie, I want you to know that the
only reason that I am tolerating

this insanely rude and
inconsiderate behavior

is the fact that every wise women knows

that the worse the engagement
party, the better the wedding, okay?

Can you tell me what this is,

wh-what we're doing
here? I don't understand.

We're having a group meeting.

I don't want to have a group meeting.

- This seems inappropriate.
- Well, that's probably

about the only thing we
can all agree on right now.

We are not going to
throw randomized grenades

of hostility at each other.

Okay? We're gonna be the adult
women that I know we can be

and say what we're feeling.

If I've learned anything
from my online therapist

- it's that...
- Okay, great. I'll start.

I'm feeling extremely shitty
about not being invited

to Shosh's engagement party.

I'm feeling like I would
like to go one place

without being treated like
I'm a Jezebel or a witch.

- Particularly by Hannah.
- Good luck with that.

I am feeling a lot of anxiety about
the fact that we've allowed our

friendship to reach this place
of aggression and isolation.

And I am proposing that...

yes, Shosh... and thank you
so much for the hand raise.

If you don't mind,

I would like to take a step back

and say that this

is the reason that we can't
hang out together anymore.

No, no, no, see, I am trying to fix this

so that we can hang out as the
friends that we've always been,

- and we can be again if we just...
- Mm-mm, nope.

Nope, that's not it.

We can't hang out together anymore

because we cannot be in the same room

without one of us making it completely
and entirely about ourselves.

In this instance in particular,
it happens to be Hannah,

who has decided to
crash my engagement party

by showing up dressed like a
member of the "Teen Mom" cast.

Well, that's not an insult to me

because it means I look like I
got railed by a football star.

Wasn't intended to be a compliment.

With the help of Byron, who has
completed all 12 steps of Al-Anon,

I have come to realize how
exhausting and narcissistic

and ultimately boring
this whole dynamic is.

And I finally feel brave enough
to create some distance for myself.

If you guys happen to know all of
those really pretty girls out there

who have, like, jobs and
purses and nice personalities,

those are now my friends,

not you guys.

I think we should all just
agree to call it. Okay?

Great. If you guys wanna stay,

Byron allotted for extra guests

because that's just the
kind of guy that Byron is.

That's who I'm with now.

My fiancé, okay?

Well, Shosh will
definitely get her wish.

All of you will because I
got an important job upstate

and I am moving there with my child, and

none of you will probably
ever see me again.

- Wait, what?
- On the way over here,

I saw a man take a shit in the street.

And in that moment, as if it
were like a near-death experience,

I flashed upon every piece of shit

I have ever seen on
the streets on New York

that I assumed was from
a dog. And guess what.

That shit's not from a dog.

At least not all of it.

'Cause this is a city where
people take shits on the street!

You are moving upstate

and you didn't even care to tell me

- one-on-one?
- I called you a million times,

but you were too busy ignoring
me since you were going to a

party I wasn't invited to.

I got it! I got the part
in "White Men Can't Jump"

the fucking musical
spectacular, you feckless whores!

Hannah, I will see you at home tomorrow

roughly around noon when
I'm done partying this out.

Eat a dick!

Shosh was right.

She was right about everything.

Can you stop being so dramatic?
I mean, have a little perspective.

She's planning a wedding. It makes
people very hostile and aggressive.

You should know.

Get the fuck out!

- Get the fuck out. I need the room.
- Great,

'cause this place smells like
pussy cream and I wish I was dead.

Eight million people in this city,

and she thinks all the shit's
supposed to be from dogs? I mean,

of course people shit in the street.

- You've shit in the street, right?
- No.

Oh, you're telling me
every shit you've ever taken

has been on a toilet?

Yes.

Oh, God. You know, you're impossible.

♪ Find me once again snoopin', brother ♪

♪ Feel the need to check
on things you do... ♪

You know, I was barely invited myself.

I was, um...

I just spoke to Shosh this morning

because I needed her to
tell me my ATM code, so.

It's okay, I'm fine. You don't
have to say that. I'm really fine.

Are you?

Yeah. I mean, this job I got, it's
like a very big deal for me, and...

- it's really good, so.
- Yeah.

How's school?

Uh, yeah, I quit.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

How come?

Um, well, I think it turns out

that I wasn't as ready to,
um, help people as I thought.

Um... and, uh, I just needed to
take a long, hard look in the mirror

as my mother would say.

What'd you see?

A fucking bitch.

Oh, um...

I got you something, actually. I
did... I assumed you'd be here, so.

Here.

It's, um, er, for a child.

- Yeah.
- It's a dress.

The baby's actually a boy.

Is it really?

I don't know

how the fuck that happened.
I haven't really processed it.

You're actually kind of, like, the
first person I'm telling. I mean,

- what am I supposed to do with a boy?
- I don't know.

What if I raise him perfectly
and do everything right,

and then he, like, rapes a
bajillion people and, like,

runs a lawnmower over a town?

No. He'll be perfect.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I'm sorry.

Um...

I am sorry for...

for everything. I don't really...

You don't have to be sorry. It's okay.

I mean, it's like... I mean,
it's not okay, but it's, like,

I don't know who's really
supposed to be sorry for what,

so at this point, we should
kind of just call it a...

Like, say it.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, think about it. Like, we
were all just doing our best, so.

Uh-uh, our best was awful.

Worst best.

So, what do you think?
Should we, like...

try to get into this cool
metropolitan vibe, or...?

Yeah, uh, um, uh, ah, I
mean, what else am I doing?

Literally been waiting outside
Shoshanna's house since 4:00 o'clock.

♪ Last night was a bad one ♪

♪ Screaming and fighting
for nothing at all ♪

♪ Last night was a hard one ♪

♪ Pinning each other
up against the wall ♪

♪ We make each other small ♪

♪ I know we make each other fall ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ When we toss off what was said ♪

♪ How are we to just forget? ♪

♪ When the night is
ringing in our heads ♪

♪ How do we get back to love? ♪

♪ I wanna get you in my spaces ♪

♪ I wanna take you different places ♪

♪ I'm not at all really this romantic ♪

♪ I know you see me as a frantic girl ♪

♪ But I can give you what you want ♪

♪ I know you like the
way I held my temper ♪

♪ When I gave you to the world ♪

♪ Gave you to the world ♪

- ♪ I can be your heart type of girl ♪
- ♪ 'Cause I've been scared of ♪

♪ Crowded places ♪

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ I'll take you home ♪

♪ 'Cause I've been
scared of crowded places ♪

♪ Come with me ♪

♪ I'll take you home. ♪