Girls (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 5 - Queen for Two Days - full transcript

- Whatcha doing?
- Hiding from Desi.

Great, 'cause I'm hiding from Fran.

Work it out. He's a really good guy.

He's a seemingly good guy.

Hannah, it's more complex
than you understand.

Maybe it's not more
complex, okay? Because

mom wants a divorce.

Get on a plane. I'll even
pick you up at the airport.

I don't want to go back to America.

Then, why don't you stay?

- Hot date tonight?
- He's quite famous.



Dill Harcourt

You're acting so weird.
Something's going on.

- I'm fine.
- Okay,

then maybe we're just growing
in different directions.

Maybe you don't want
to be friends anymore.

Maybe.

Jessa!

I've wanted this for a really long time.

"Come escape from your
rigorous daily life

for a rejuvenating and
relaxing getaway at Dhanimahila,

a weekend to connect with
your innate goddess qualities

and celebrate being a
multiecstatic woman.

Reignite that part of yourself
that is wild, wise, and divine

at Spring Queening."



Mom, no.

I don't care what they're
calling it, because I need it.

I have some big choices to make.

I mean, how big could they be? You
already decided to get a divorce.

I didn't decide to get divorced.

Then what did you mean by, "Tell
Dad I want a fucking divorce"?

I'm taking some time and
considering, as I turn 60,

whether I can stand to spend the
rest of my life sexless and alone.

You don't have to be
sexless and alone, Mom.

Plus, isn't gay husband kind of the
same as no husband, sexually speaking?

No, sex has never been our problem.

It's actually even been better lately.

Less pressure.

- Mm-mm-mm.
- Mom!

Shh, shh, shh...

- [speaking Japanese]
- _

_

_

You perform your job
with such perfect charm.

It's very sweet of you to
spend your lunch hour with me.

Shoshani, Buriki is hiding
in windowsill* again.

I'll let you do your job.

Please, Shoshani.

[speaking Japanese]

_

Oh, your friend is looking for you.

Abigail.

Uh... Ab... Abigail, h... hi.

Shoshanna, hello.

Um, what... what are you...
are you here for work?

It's all right. You don't
have to be kind to me.

I know I took a spiked dildo

and I frickin' rammed it
right into your heart hole.

I'm really sorry.

Seriously, Abigail, I'm fine.

Honestly, Shoshanna, it's hard
for me to see you like this,

working in what is clearly a sex hut.

Oh, no, it's actually just a cat café.

I know what cat is.

I've had a boyfriend.

It's gonna be okay.

Really, Abigail, I love it
here. This place is incredible.

I'm learning about a new culture,
and in turn I'm learning about myself,

and I'm also in a real serious phase

of romantic exploration
with Yoshi, so...

Yoshi from work?

Okay, that is very cool

because he looks like an
Asiatic One Direction member.

Well, I mean, he isn't
Yoshi from work anymore.

Now he's just Yoshi from my heart.

God, I'm really happy
for you, honestly. Ah...

I... I'm surprised. I'm shocked,
even, that you like it here.

I gotta tell ya, I have a couple days,

and I was planning to just
steadily sit in the McDonald's

until I felt safe again.

Okay, you know what?
I have tomorrow off.

Let me take you around. I'm
going to make you love Japan.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

A lot of Eileen Fisher here.

Hannah.

What? They're sassy separates.
I just can't afford them.

I'll go check us in.

Hello.

...and green and really...

it's just a wonderful place to grow up.

Okay, well, good peace to you both.

- Yes. Oh, um...
- Thank you.

Okay, no phones, please.

Oh, I wasn't making a call. I
was just gonna send an e-mail.

Okay. It's just that we
mentioned this in the e-mails.

In the pamphlet, in the itinerary.

- Mm-hmm.
- Dhanimahila is about

dropping our walls and that
starts with dropping our screens.

Well, that's great because I'm not
even getting any service anyway.

Well, maybe that's a signal

that the person you need
to connect with is yourself.

Well, if you're telling me
to masturbate, I already did.

I'm glad you're having fun already.

Wow.

Hi, I'm Loreen. Uh, this
is my daughter Hannah.

- Hey.
- Hi, Hannah.

I'm Cathy with a C

and that's Kathy with a K,

and this is Barb.

With a C or a K?

With a B.

Hi, I'm Kourtney, but
everyone calls me Koko.

Are you the yoga teacher?

Oh, my God, no. I wish.

Though I do teach spin in Westport.

And also yoga.

The itinerary said that the orientation

was supposed to start
like 10 minutes ago.

Oh, do you think maybe we should be

- someplace else?
- I don't know.

Who here is waiting for someone

to tell them what to do?

You just said that.

Because orientation was supposed
to start 10 minutes ago...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...and none of you said anything.

Well, we were late.

Yes, you were, and now
you're interrupting.

The rest of you just stood here waiting.

Fearful, polite,

asking for permission.

That's your problem.

Do you want to call Fran?
I can give you some privacy.

Ugh, no.

I thought you liked him.

I do like him. He's so nice.

I feel like if we were in Hollywood,

people would be like,
"Tom Hanks is such a dick.

It's Fran who's the nice guy."

I'm just so relieved
to be away from him.

Aw, Jesus. I knew we
did a number on you.

What kind of number?

You are incapable of loving
someone who is kind to you.

Your father and I were no example.

I mean, sure, he's nice,

but underneath all that niceness

was this dirty little secret

that was eating away at
the core of our marriage.

Some part of you must
have picked up on that.

I really didn't.

- You didn't?
- No.

You guys are great. I like nice people.

There's not a problem.
You didn't fuck me up.

Aren't you gonna at
least brush your teeth?

Mm-mm. I'm a morning brusher.

- I just go hard at it in the morning.
- Mm.

I love you, Mom.

I love you, too, baby.

Don't worry about snoring. I can
sleep through anything, even sex.

Thanks.

- Are you gonna come?
- Uh-huh.

- Are you gonna come for me?
- Uh-huh.

Okay, after you come, pretend
like you meant to pull out

and then you're gonna freak out
like you might've gotten me pregnant.

You don't want me to pull out?

No, no, I'm wearing the
sponge. I have a sponge in.

Fuckin' knew that shit. I knew
that wasn't your pussy wall.

Please remember to pull out.

Please, please. Please don't come in me.

Don't you dare.

I would never.

- Please pull out. Don't
- Okay,

- forget to pull out.
- I won't.

Oh, fuck!

Fucker!

I'm sorry.

I came in you.

Oh, God, what am I
gonna tell my parents?

What the fuck am I gonna tell Coach?

He'll never let me borrow his car
again. I'm gonna lose my scholarship.

I can't pay for the doctors' fees.

You're brilliant.

My sister's in town.

- Oh, yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, she e-mailed me out of nowhere

and asked if I would have
dinner with her tomorrow.

So you want me to go?

I... well, I... I...

I hon... honestly didn't
think you'd be interested.

Well, only if you want me to.
I'd fucking love to meet her.

I... I wasn't saying it so
that you'd feel obligated.

I don't feel obligated.

- Good 'cause you're not.
- Good 'cause I'm going.

With your shoulders, your shoulders.

Now lead with your cunt.

- Ew.
- That's good. Cunt it.

Yes. Let's see that cunt.

Yeah, nice and stiff.

Use your arms, use your arms, yeah!

I'm flying!

- Whoo-hoo!
- There you go.

I feel like a baby.

Good job. Good job.

Yeah.

Hannah, you're too close. I can see you.

Well, where am I supposed to go?

You can go anywhere, just not by me.

We're supposed to be by
ourselves for at least an hour.

I don't know why you brought a swimsuit.

Uh, 'cause it's a
retreat. I assumed there'd

- be a pool.
- Oh, Hannah.

Anyway, I shouldn't be out here with
bare legs. I could get Lyme's disease.

Yes!

Hi, Banana. Is everything okay?

I thought the itinerary
said no phones this weekend.

Well, I'm a real
rule-breaker. Check it out.

I miss you. How are you?

I'm fine. I miss you, too.

And your mother, has...
has she said anything?

Is she leaning towards
us being together?

Dad, I don't know. We've
just been doing trust falls

and being berated by very toned women.

I hate everybody.

Anyway, I don't even know why
you'd want to stay married.

You're a gay person. It's not like...

shit, Papa, I gotta go. There's
a bunch of divorced Cathys

coming towards me. I love you, okay?

Hey, if your mom...

I mean, honestly, I feel like I'm
inside, like, Katy Perry's vagina.

- I know. And that's the amazing - Yeah.

thing about Japan. It's like whatever
these people do, they do it full-out,

they do not apologize,
and they make it cute.

Yeah, like, I cannot deny that,
like, everything I'm seeing

is exactly what we're into.

I know. Plus sometimes at night,

I think about Japan and I'm like,
"Did I create this country in my mind?"

Oh, my God. Look, three
little tiny sailor girls.

Oh, yeah, I know. That's
actually their school uniform.

What?

Just... you just slide them in.

- Oh, my God.
- It's like nothing.

- You should just pretend, like... No,
- It seems disgusting.

but you've gotten a pedicure before,
so it's essentially the same thing.

- Just put them in. Okay, you ready?
- Let's do it at the same time.

- Okay, on three.
- Okay, one...

Two, three.

Oh, my God. Oh, God!

You just gotta breathe. Just breathe.

- Just breathe.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, one is,
like, going raw dog on me.

I'm so impressed, Shoshanna.

I feel like you used
to be really work-driven

and now you've learned to
slow down and just enjoy life.

Yeah, I did. You have to enjoy life.

You cannot rush a cherry blossom.

Wow.

See? I get it.

That's beautiful.

That's Japan.

You can't keep breaking the rules.

You cannot grab my phone out
of my hands. I am an adult.

Adults follow rules.

Please hand me back my phone. I do not
want to have a physical tussle with you.

- I am just trying to give you the...
- Hey, Sam!

Yes! Yes?

- Is everything copacetic?
- Yes.

Yes, it is. It's just, um...

God, it's just our guest here
was on her phone again. So...

Oh, okay, well, I'm sure Hannah
has a great reason for it.

Thank you, Sam.

Thank you, Sam.

- I do have a great reason.
- Oh, you don't need one.

You know, this weekend
shouldn't be about

someone jamming something
down your throat.

You know? If you're not
into it, then fuck it.

I'm into it. I'm into...

I hate it.

I've hated every moment of it.

I really hate being outside.

But I realized I'm more
into being here and hating it

than I am with spending
time with my own boyfriend.

- That's not a good sign.
- That's not a good sign, no.

God, this is a really
hard e-mail to write.

Well, maybe you should do it in person.

No, it's not that. He's just
really judgy about grammar stuff.

Um, sounds like a real fucking winner.

No, he's nice. He's so nice.

You know what? Fuck nice.

You know, nice is a mask angry people
wear to hide their inner assholes.

- Yeah.
- Look, you do you, all right?

Hm, 'cause you're way too
luscious to be with the wrong guy.

Mom!

So, listen, the thing
to know about Minerva

is that we've both slept
with all the same people.

Except... except my
father. That was just her.

What the shit?

I mean, they're not related,
so it's not what you think,

but... so, they ran into each
other at a bar or something

and... it was hardly creepy
in the traditional sense.

Besides, her dad's Scottish.

All I'm saying is that
if you want to fuck her,

I mean, I won't care. I'm used to it.

Minni, hi.

- Aw.
- Hey.

Seriously, you are wee. What the fuck?

- Yeah, I got Giardia.
- Amazing.

Yeah, and it's got rid of all the...

- Hi, I'm Ad... Yay.
- This is Adam. He's my boyfriend.

Boyfriend? God.

Aw.

Nice to meet you.

All right, all right. Easy.

Well, the salmon's very good.

- Mm-hmm.
- Just needs a little salt.

It needs, like, all the salt in the
known universe and there's none here.

Oh, here. I carry some.

I have to be really careful
because I work out so hard

that I drink a lot of water.

One time, I almost
drowned from the inside.

I've been saying for years
that water's basically poison.

Have you ever been
to Red Mountain Ranch?

They really know how to do low sodium.

They make an asparagus
and leek egg white quiche.

You take a bite, you die.

Oh, at Miraval, they have these
portobello and lentil roll-ups.

Mm. Delicious. I ate
them for every meal.

And then again for dessert.

I can make pizza.

At Esalen for breakfast, they
have six different kinds of yogurt.

Not flavors, kinds.

- Greek yogurt and...
- Why don't we just focus

on the meal that we're
having right here, right now?

This meal.

Sweetie.

I wonder what they'll have for dessert.

What? I was talking about the food here.

- Hey, you.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- Sorry,

I'm allergic to bread.
I thought that was a nut.

You are tense.

Oh, yeah, I'm having some...
um... some family problems,

so I may be a little wound tight.

Yeah, well, let's get you to the
sauna and I'll stretch you out.

I couldn't do that to you. It's
your... it's you dinner break.

Anyway, my mom says I'm not capable of

centering myself
emotionally or spiritually

'cause she and my dad
fucked me up so good. So...

Oh.

Well, let's see about that, huh?

All right? Come on.

Thank you.

Wow! I feel so open and balanced.

That's what this work's all about...

balancing and toning.

And you'll find that as you continue,

all this layer will just melt away.

Like a layer of emotions
or like a layer of fat?

What?

Sorry, sorry.

- That's... you're so sweaty.
- I know. I didn't mean to do that.

You know, actually, um, I've
never had sex with a woman before.

I mean, I've done other stuff. I went
to Oberlin, so I'm not, like, a monster,

but my dad's gay, so
there might be a genetic...

I've never slept with a student before.

Aw, you don't have to say that.

I blame it on Viagra.

Larry and I were together for 42 years

and then he starts popping the blue pill

and then he leaves me
for his assistant, Flavia.

Oh, my God. That's terrible.

He's 70 years old.

I said to him, "You've
turned into a cliché."

But then what am I?

Divorced, at a spa with
strangers, complaining about men.

Oh, I love being single again.

- Really?
- Sure.

I want to stay in, I stay in.
I want to go out, I go out.

I mean, I never really want to go out.

Just give me a good book and a
bottle of wine and there you have it.

The perfect morning.

- Ah.
- She met a guy, a lawyer

who's a partner in his firm.

He swept her off her
feet. He took her to Vegas.

Celine Dion, front row, twice.

Yeah, no, she's never slept with
anyone except for her ex-husband.

She said she had the time of her life.

- Vaginal orgasms, one after the other.
- Oh...

Two weeks after she
gets home, a burning.

- Uh-oh. Uh-uh.
- Herpes and genital warts,

mouth chlamydia at 57 years old.

- No, no, no, no.
- Wow.

Well...

my husband is gay.

So?

Yeah, that seems like a nonissue to me.

I would kill for a gay husband.

Oh, my God. I wish I were gay.

Honestly, Koko, why are you here?

Oh, yeah.

It's really hot. I'm feeling really hot.

- Yeah, you'll just get used to it.
- Oh, my God.

It's okay, it's just new.

Okay, okay.

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, there.
- Okay... I think I have to stop.

- I'd really like to stop.
- No, no, no, no. I'm really close.

- Just let me come.
- Nope, I'm gonna need to stop.

- Please.
- Please, it's just 30 seconds.

- I'm sorry, Holly.
- No, no, no, no, please let me...

- Let me go.
- Just give me 30 seconds.

- I can't. I really can't.
- Just 30 seconds.

I really can't do 30 seconds.

- I really can't even do 30 seconds.
- Ah, fuck.

Oh, God. Fuck.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, yeah!

So, while I wait for
our legal separation,

he's letting me stay in the house,

which is sweet of him since I
really didn't behave well at all.

And I'm getting spousal support even
though I actually have more money

because the trust fund
doesn't count as income.

Speaking of money, I do have something
that I've been meaning to ask you.

- Shoot.
- So, I think I told you that

um... I'm trying to go back to
school to become a therapist.

But the, ah, the thing is, I am
not eligible for any financial aid

because I'm a foreign student.

So I... I need money.

Like, a bunch.

Grandma cut me off after rehab.

Yeah, she said so. So lame.

But you should really have
hidden your drugs better.

But she didn't cut you off.

Minni, I swear to you, I
will pay you back every cent

as soon as I could, as soon as I had
my own business, which I will have.

Jessa, you have to
be fucking kidding me.

No, I'm not. I'm really not kidding you.

I found something that I
love, that I really love,

and there's so much that I have
to learn, and I want to learn it.

More than anything, I want to learn it.

Well, that's a beautiful sentiment,

but when have you ever
stuck to a single thing?

You can't expect me to sink
my money into another whim.

- Well, it's not your money.
- It takes a certain passion

to see things through
and you've never had that.

Maybe it's because Mum was always easy
on you or your face is so symmetrical,

but it's left you soft.

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you
things that you don't want to hear,

but I know you, Jessa. I know you.

No, you don't.

Okay, Romeo.

No, you don't.

Jesus fucking Christ.
You don't know her at all.

She's a beautiful fuckin' rainbow,

cutting and sublime.

And she's gonna be the
best fucking therapist ever.

I envy her future patients
because she's a truth-teller.

And her perfect face is the
least beautiful thing about her.

I'll pay for your schooling.

I'll pay for your schooling.

What?

- Yeah, yeah.
- No.

I made a fuckton of money in
all those Big Pharma commercials.

It's just sitting in the bank.
It should go to something good.

You're something good.

You're ser... are you serious?

Yes.

So nice. That's brilliant.

- Thank you.
- Cool.

Thank you for forcing me to eat this

because I feel like my mouth is
experiencing intense personal growth.

So, it actually is... that's "umami,"

- the elusive fifth taste.
- Mm.

She has become so
knowledgeable in so short time.

You guys are the cutest.

I want to watch a reality
show about you called, like,

"Yosh and Shosh Take the
City", anytime I have the flu.

Soon we will travel to
Kamakura, that's my place,

- and Shoshanna can meet my grandmother.
- Yeah.

And then we will lose our
virginities to each other.

Mm-hmm.

Holy hell.

- Okay, wow.
- Yeah, that's...

That's a... that's a relationship
hallmark, and that's cool.

You ladies can share tales.

I'm going to make quick
stop at the bathroom.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Later.

It is fucking bonkers to me

that that insane piece
is still a virgin.

Are you okay?

Um, yeah, yeah.

I'm, um... I'm great, you know?

I w... I work at, um...
as the assistant manager

in the second biggest cat café in Tokyo

and everybody's really
jealous about that,

and I'm dating this
beautiful Japanese man,

and we're gonna lose our
virginities to each other,

so everything's really perfect.

You know, like, my life is perfect.

- Yeah, you seem great.
- Yeah.

Yeah, you're not, like...

oh, wait, you're, like, fully crying.

- Yeah.
- Are you okay?

I'm really sad.

And...

I'm really fucking lonely.

I'm so homesick, and I swear to God

if one more person that I bump
into bows and says, "I'm sorry,"

I'm gonna, like, fucking cut somebody,

- you know?
- Yeah, of course.

You're in fucking outer space.

I'm sorry, um...

I really have to go home. Okay.

Where'd you go?

I was following my inner queen

and she makes terrible decisions,

so I think I'm gonna
abdicate the throne.

Aw, sweetie.

Well, I am gonna stay with your father.

What?

I'm gonna stay.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I've thought about it a lot.

And what am I gonna do, go
on a date on the Internet?

Can you imagine? I don't even
want to talk to the people I like.

Even if I fell in love...
say I fell in love, what then?

I don't know. You'd be in love.

No. We would have two
years of passion at best,

and then, what, he would
get Alzheimer's disease

or prostate cancer and there I am

draining his catheter
for the rest of my life,

and this is a man I don't even know.

So I might as well stay.

All right, I know it sounds sad to you,

but I like our house, and
your father's very nice,

and he makes me laugh when
he does that Chris Rock.

And he plays Scrabble really well.

These things count for a lot.

If I had known 20 years ago...

I think you guys really did fuck me up.