Girls (2012–2017): Season 5, Episode 1 - Wedding Day - full transcript

It's gonna rain.

Oh, it's totally not gonna rain.

It's, like, never been about to rain
less in the history of the universe.

Now, that looks great and it's
ready for some bridesmaid-y action.

By the way, living in Japan
has made me so effing good

at folding, steaming, pressing, et cetera.

My friend Satako says that
I'm, like, a complete natural

and could totally compete
with the best of them.

They have this reality TV show
there called "Fold Fold Press..."

...which is kind of about being human.

It seems like it's gonna rain, right?



God damn it, what is
my mom doing out there?

You don't understand something
here. I just want to show you.

It's gotta be candle, flower,
candle, flower, candle, flower.

Sorry I slept so late. Is
there anything I can do to help?

Um, yeah, just keep the vibe,
like, super calm in here.

That'd be great. And then when the
hair and makeup artist arrives,

you can start maneuvering the appointments.

Got it, on it.

What do you mean by
"maneuvering the appointments"?

Well, she can't do all of us at
once, right? She's not an octopus,

so I figure we need an order
and you can create the order.

Cool. I'll... I'm gonna... gonna do it.

Thank you so much. I figure each bridesmaid

should take no longer
than, like, 35 minutes,



and that leaves me three and
a half hours, which is perfect.

Great.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Oh, wow. You look so whimsical/beautiful.

Thank you, I just bathed in the stream and
then I ran through the field to dry myself.

Marnie, what's wrong?

I'm worried it's gonna rain.
I had the option for a tent,

but of course I didn't take it.

Okay, so you made a mistake.

We all make mistakes. It's okay.

Yeah, everybody hates tents anyways.

Like, what, is this a circus?
I don't want no big top.

But you know that rain
on your wedding day means

wonderful things for your fertility.

So I hope that it does rain.

I'm gonna go set out your dress.

If anyone needs anything, I'll
be upstairs in the boudoir.

I love tents.

This is the day.

This is my wedding day.

- Hi!
- Hey.

- How's it going?
- Good, how you doing?

- Mm, good. Good to see you.
- You, too.

Hey, gals.

Ooh, Fran, you look so handsome.
That is beautiful suiting.

Well done, sir.

- Hey, Fran.
- Marnie, hey.

Um, I just wanted to say how
grateful I am to be invited.

Oh, well, everyone who
asked for a plus one got one.

Shosh didn't ask for one, though.

Oh, yeah, I just... I take my
bridesmaids duties, like, super seriously.

Also, I'm in a long-distance
relationship, so, like,

why rock the boat by seeing
each other, you know what I mean?

Well, Fran was just sitting in his car,
so I said he could come hang with us.

Um, but I can go if
this is not a good time.

Well, you are here,
like, super early. So...

No, it's a great time. We're
doing literally nothing.

Sweet.

- How was your drive?
- Yeah, super easy.

It's so pretty on the way up here.

- Shosh!
- Yeah?

Saw so many baby lambs running

- in the field.
- Come here!

Was there a mom or was it just like

- a flock of little lambs?
- No, orphans.

This is so inappropriate.

My attire? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we
were, like, doing a PJ thing all day.

- I mean, I have another outfit...
- No, no, no, no, no.

Shh. Fran.

- Oh, my baby got out!
- No.

He has an actual penis.
He's a man and he's here.

You have to go tell him to leave,
and then you have to tell Hannah

that she's been so inappropriate
and unsupportive for me all day.

Wouldn't you rather do that?

That kind of just seems like something
that you would really enjoy doing.

- Shosh.
- Okay, on it.

- ...had breakfast yet.
- What do you mean,

- you didn't order it or it didn't show up?
- I mean it was fine...

No, no one just mentioned breakfast.

Fran...

um, so, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave,

just 'cause it's women's hour.

Shosh.

No.

Shosh.

Don't go, stay. It's fine.

I mean, if you want him to go.

But, as the bride, I just want you to
know that I'm fine and cool if you stay.

Totally fine if Shosh wants you to leave.

Up to you.

- Ugh, weddings.
- Hannah.

I'm sorry, it's just they're stupid.

They're so stupid and you know
what? Ultimately, they're selfish.

Not all weddings.

I mean, yeah, if you put too
much weight on the dumb details,

- sure, but this is the...
- Marnie, like,

passive-aggressively handed me a razor.
I was like, "I already shaved my armpits."

To be fair, you're not great at it.

- It's, like, pretty patchy under there.
- It's hard.

- Consistently patchy.
- No.

Look, just try and be positive, okay?

And it's all gonna be over soon.

Yeah, but then she's gonna be married.

- To someone she barely knows.
- She barely knows him?

No, I barely know him. You're not
even listening to what I'm saying.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hey.
- What are they...

Oh, ah, yeah, they're
actually not here right now.

- Yeah, they're transcending.
- Got it.

Should be back any minute,
though. Just wait around.

Marnie kicked Fran out of
the house for female reasons,

so, um, can you take care of him?

- Yeah, sure. Have a seat.
- Awesome.

Yeah, settle in, son, and just
let the nightmare wash over you.

- Yeah.
- It's nice in here. It's very, like,

Skull and Bones, secret
gentlemen's society.

- Hi.
- Hi, hi. Oh, hello.

- Suit looks great. Very...
- ...serious.

- I have to, um...
- Thank you.

...get back to the house or
everyone's boobs are going to explode.

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I'm, uh, just...

Oh, how... how... how... um...

Uh, you know, nothing...
nothing doing, but...

Oh, good, good, good.

Look, uh, if you need me to, uh...

- I can... I can just...
- No, no, no, no. No.

I didn't just... I'm
not... I didn't just...

No, I figured with the, with the...

- uh...
- Yeah, but it's...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why don't you guys try
a few complete sentences?

This conversation sounds like
a fucking E.E. Cummings poem.

Wow, I feel good, man. I feel incredible.

- All right.
- Thank you.

Yeah, I thought meditation was just
naps, but it's like a whole thing.

Well, you know, it is. It's
like naps where you wake up.

And I'm so happy to be able to
share that with both of you.

And you, you, oh!

- I'm so proud of you, man.
- Oh, thank you, baby.

Yes, you guys, listen.
You guys, all of you.

One, two, three, four, five,

thank you for being here.
It means so much to me.

- Wolfie, my old, dear friend.
- Mm-hmm.

My bald eagle, looking
out for me from on high.

Adam, man, my comrade in
arts, my comrade-in-arms.

- Mr. Rabbit.
- Yeah, yeah.

Elijah, the lion.

A comic persona as skilled
and radical as Lucille Ball.

I mean that.

Ray, when Marnie told me
that you should be here,

I thought it was a mistake, and, you
know, maybe it still will be a mistake,

but right now I feel like
I'm happy that you're here.

Thank you for being here.

Thanks.

- It's Fran.
- Fran.

- Hey, man.
- I'm Hannah's boyfriend.

- We met at Marnie's birthday.
- No, I know.

We went on a bike ride
together, just you and me.

- You don't...
- Yeah, Fran.

- I love that name.
- Yeah.

I love you, Fran.

I love you, too, man.

This is among one of the greatest
days of my life, you guys.

I'm getting married today.

- Yes.
- Yep.

Does anybody want a beer?

I have got this really good brew

- that you can only get upstate.
- No, thank you, Fran.

Yeah, I'm gonna take MDMA just
before the vows, so I shouldn't mix.

- Well, Fran, I'd fucking love one.
- Comin' in hot.

So, I've been living in Japan
for, like, seven months now,

and it has seeped into my soul.

Like, I swear, influenced
me professionally,

spiritually, the way I bathe,

my choice of pens, everything.

But how do you understand, like,

what the fuck they're
saying? I don't get it.

Oh, no, they speak better
English than, like, any of us.

- Do they, really? No kidding.
- Mm-hmm.

- So, Bay-Bay...
- Yeah? No, Bebe, thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bebe.

I'm so happy you're here.

Thank you for joining us.

Aw, thanks. I'm happy to be here.

- This is really fun.
- Oh, good, good, good.

I saw on your website you did Sophia
Bush's makeup for her sister's wedding.

I sure did. You know what?
That was such a treat.

She is like a little angel.

She let me bring my 30-year-old
daughter along and we had a ball.

I gotta tell you what, those
Bushes know how to party.

You have a 30-year-old daughter?

- When did you have her?
- Oh, God, I don't know.

Okay, well, let's just talk about
the aesthetic of the wedding.

- Okay.
- We're thinking Laurel Canyon classic.

So, does that mean anything to you?

Like, a Selena Gomez kind of thing?

Nope, let me try that one more time. Ah...

Let's do like a Ralph
Lauren and Joni Mitchell.

Ah, artistic, but also with
a nod to my cultural heritage,

which is white Christian woman.

My fiancé and I, both musicians.

Okay, so Jesus. Selena Gomez
meets Jesus. I can do it.

Yeah, so, right now, ah, Shosh's hair
feels a little bit Japanese-y to me.

Just getting started. Don't
worry, honey, it's gonna be great.

- Okay, great.
- Just go have yourself a glass of wine.

- Do whatever you wanna do.
- Relax.

- I'm totally easy, easygoing girl.
- Okay.

- You know me, right? And, um...
- Okay.

Just make sure you run everything
by me before it's final.

I just wanna make sure I sign off on
it before it's set in its spray, okay?

Thank you so much for being here, good-bye!

Oh, my God, it is so much fun.

Oh, fuck you.

It's horrendous.

It's nice.

I think when it comes down, I'm gonna...

- Oh, oh, oh, it's not done?
- ...brush it.

You look good.

Thank you. I found this.

Thanks, oh.

Honestly, I feel really bad for Marnie.

- Why?
- Her mother's a fucking lunatic.

Hannah is just being Hannah.

Shoshanna, since she got back from Japan
is somehow even more like a cartoon.

I'm just trying to be a source of support.

- Thanks.
- That's good.

- Yeah.
- That's good, be of service.

Mm-hmm. And how is it over there?

You guys just, like, doing
circle jerks and pounding beers?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And what about Fran? Is it weird?

Who's Fran?

What do you mean, who's Fran? Fran.

Oh, yeah, he's... he's nice.

What... what do you mean he's nice?

He's nice. He's polite.
He's funny or whatever.

You don't wanna take him out back
and show him what you're made of?

- No.
- Buy him a ticket to the gun show?

Yes. No.

You're a liar.

No, no, no. I'm... I'm, ah, I'm evolved.

- That's good.
- I don't care.

- I'm happy for her.
- Cool.

Great. I don't care either.

Well...

I... I can't.

Okay, see ya.

Shit.

So, Fran...

- Fran.
- Hmm.

You seem like a nice guy,

but I have to ask... what are
your, um, intentions with Hannah?

Uh, well, right now, I guess
we're just trying to figure out...

Well, here's the thing to know, Fran, is
that while she's painfully narcissistic,

shockingly tone-deaf, and
just generally one of the most,

you know, insufferable people you'll
ever meet, she means something to me.

She's like a younger sister to me, Fran.

So, what I want to know, from
you, is are you serious about this?

Or are you just in it for a quick,
you know, push-push-in-the-bush?

What?

Are you trying to get to know this woman?

Are you trying to really connect to
this other individual in this world?

Or are you just experimenting with

more and more complex sexual
positions until her knees blow out

- and her pussy turns to rubber?
- Oh, my God.

I mean, do you ask her
how she feels about things?

What she's thinking about?

What are her opinions about, you know,
transgender politics, the afterlife?

Because young men today, they
don't ask those type of questions.

All they ask is what they can
get from a given situation.

They demand faithfulness

and then they suck the spirit out
of women who are so fucking spirited.

Ray?

The love of my life is
getting married today.

Today, the love of my
life is getting married,

and I don't have the
guts to pull a "Graduate."

I don't have it in me.

Because I know

I'm not the person that she wants.

I can't do it. I can't do
it! I can't fucking do it!

- Desi, come on.
- I'm too fucking scared.

I'm not fucking ready.

- Take this rage and turn it into bravery.
- Don't try and follow me.

Hey, hey, you've bailed seven times.
Don't make it eight!

Desi!

What was that?

Just a little bit of cold feet.

You know, he's always quick
on the, ah, engagement trigger,

but I thought that eight
was the magic number.

And I thought that he
was actually into Marnie

since they were going through with this.

But now is now.

All right, I'll... I'll be back.

Hey, be gentle on him, brother.

He's got a really complicated
thing with his mom.

Okay, here we go.

Ow.

Okay, I'm sorry, but that
flower crown is corny as hell.

Mom, no one asked you.

You have a beautiful forehead.
Please do not cover it.

And why do you want to look like the
Statue of Liberty in all your wedding

- pictures?
- No, Mom, it's super modern.

Bill de Blasio's daughter
wears one all the time.

Ah, Bebe, that pin literally
went through my skull.

- Sorry.
- That's okay.

- Marnie keep it classic, please.
- Yes, Mom. Okay, okay.

I wore shoulder pads to my wedding

and I regret it every time
I look at those photos.

More than you regret marrying the
sex addict who's also in those photos?

Uh, yeah, 'cause that was fun for a while.

Well, you know, I was on
the Vans Warped Tour this summer

and I saw Vanessa Hudgens in the pit

and she had one of these crowns
on and you look just like her.

Well, that's just great and weird.

Just when we ask for second opinions,
we'll come to you right away, okay?

- We're good.
- Okay.

And this is my daughter and this is my day.

Okay, I'm gonna start on someone else while
you two work this thing out, all right?

- Okay.
- Good idea.

- Okay, good.
- Okay, yeah, that's good.

- She's crazy.
- I'm gonna kill you.

- Hey, sugar.
- Hi.

All right, what are you
thinking for your look?

Um, I don't know, just maybe wet
a comb and just neaten my hair up.

I don't know. My hair's pretty short,
so you can't really do anything with it.

But we have, like, all
the hair accessories.

I'd rather just feel like myself.

Okay, well, it's not really
about you, but whatever.

Yeah, I mean, it's not
like you don't have options.

I pulled together a bunch of the
different looks from the mood board.

They're all in the iPad. You can
flip through them one more time.

There's floral crowns, obviously.

There's braid headband.

Um, we have extensions.
We can give you a weave.

You forage for stuff outside
and put it in your fucking hair.

I don't care. You just
have to wear something.

You know, I'd rather not.

Oh, well, we'd rather you did.

Mom, let me handle this.
Hannah, you have to!

This is part of a very specific
vision that I had for this wedding.

A vision from an Edward
Sharpe video and it is mine.

Ow! Ow, ow. I'm sorry, you just burned me.

- All right, sit still.
- No! No.

- Jesus.
- I can't do this!

Marnie, why do you even
bother with that girl?

Honestly, you look like a Starbucks cup.

Out.

It's so awful in there, Fran.
It's like I can't even describe it.

It's like a Rom-com that
even I wouldn't want to watch.

Can you please pull on my
sleeve... whatever the fuck this is?

What are you doing here?

- It's like a noose.
- It's like a really bad Rom-com

that's, like, too obvious and not funny.

I hate this dress. The straps
are longer than the dress.

- Yeah.
- I mean, I guess you're right.

At least soon she'll be
all married and happy and...

Oh, Hannah, I just... I just learned
something kind of intense in there.

Oh, yeah, Ray was
circumcised when he was 20,

- so his dick does this thing where it,
- No, no,

- like, bleeds...
- I know. No, I know about that.

No, um, it's Desi.

This is his eighth engagement.

What?

Yeah.

I mean, you know, never a wedding, but...

...he's freakin' out.

- And that ring, the ring for Marnie?
- Yeah?

That was for his ex-girlfriend.

- Clementine?
- Yeah.

I knew she had a fruit name.

Oh, my God, I have to
go tell Marnie right now.

No, Hannah, you can't. No, no,
no, I just told you in confidence.

I trusted you.

I have to tell her.
There's no way she knows.

- She must know. She... she...
- There's no way she knows.

She must've picked up
on something, anything.

You'd be surprised how much she can miss.

Oh, fuck.

Now I don't have to tell her anything
'cause she's gonna kill herself.

Hannah.

Desi!

Desi!

What the fuck are you doing?

You're right! I don't deserve her!

Get out of the pond!

I'm garbage!

I'm a garbage person!

Okay, let's wrap up the one-man show
and get you up to dry land, okay?

Oh, what do you care? You still love her.

Yeah, but I still don't want you
to die of a rare pond disease.

Oh, what am I doing?

Fuck!

What am I doing, Ray? I don't
know how to be a husband.

No.

No, you don't.

But you know what being
a husband is about, Desi?

It's about love.

And love is about sacrifice and destiny

and making a sacrifice for the one you love
that allows them to find their destiny.

You know?

Yes.

- Yeah.
- Destiny.

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Destiny.
- Yeah.

You sacrificed Marnie so
she could find her destiny!

And I am that destiny!

And I'm not gonna let a couple of
fucking little botched marriage attempts

on my part get in the way of her happiness!

Well, that's not exactly what I'm saying.

- What I'm saying...
- Thank you, Ray.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

But what I'm saying is
you should allow her...

Let's ditch this pisshole!

I got a fuckin' woman to marry!

Okay, but... Desi?

Hold.. h-hold on one second, though.

I think I just need to
powder you and we're good.

Uh, I think it's a little heavy.

No, no, no, no, no, honey, this is
the exact right look for this dress.

You see, your dress is light, so
we gotta weigh it down on the face.

- Even the lips?
- Yes.

- Okay. Are you sure?
- I've been doing this for 25 years.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck is your fuckin' problem?

I don't have a problem.

I just think that the
makeup is a little bit, um...

shellacked.

It looks like you went
to Hershey, Pennsylvania,

- and just went, like...
- It's just a lot.

Well, have you ever
even worn makeup before?

Yes, I wear mascara every Saturday.

Yeah, um, the dress is light, so we
have to weigh it down with makeup.

You guys think that maybe
this is a little bit heavy?

You know what? You all are a
bunch of bitches. Do you know that?

Sophia Bush, grateful. You, twats.

Twat, twat, twat. An army full of twats.

- Oh, no, fuck, no, Bebe.
- Why does Bebe do this to herself?

- I look fucking insane!
- You look fucking beautiful!

No, I don't, and it's fucking raining!

But fertility!

Everyone, shut the fuck up about fertility!

"Oh, fertility. You're
gonna get fucking pregnant."

What if I don't want to? I wear
an IUD for a fucking reason.

And it's raining on my fucking wedding day!

Fuck! Ahh!

Fuck!

It's weddings. It's to be expected.

Go away.

- Marn?
- No!

- Marn, please.
- No.

Hannah, I don't feel like
getting in a fucking fight

with you right now, seriously.

I'm not gonna get in a fight with you.

I just want to say that you look beautiful.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You do. You look so beautiful.

My makeup is insane.

It's not insane, okay?

If we just take it down a little...

around the face...

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I have been so fucking awful today.

- Yeah.
- I don't know what to say.

I don't have a good excuse
except that I was scared.

What? What the fuck are you scared about?

Marn, you're getting married.

That's a big deal.

That's everything changing.

And you're marrying Desi,
who I barely even know.

That's because you haven't
even tried to know me.

I don't know what that even means.

Hannah, it has literally been
years since you checked in with me

to see, like, where I'm at.

I'm not dumb. I know you
guys are laughing at me

and wondering what stupid fucking
mistake Marnie's gonna make next.

But I have been there for you

and I have stood by you while
you've made some huge mistakes.

So the very least you could do right now

is to pretend that I might
be doing the right thing.

You're totally right.

I have made a lot of really dumb mistakes.

Do you think I'm making a mistake?

I'm not the right person...

Do you?

No.

No, I am with you every step of the way.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm excited.

Yeah, good.

Who's the guy with the beard and the
long hair who showed up in the Porsche?

That guy. That one.

Oh, um, I-I can't remember his name,

but I know that he splits
the Porsche with somebody.

What about the guy with
the cane and the eye patch?

Jesus, your faces!

Excuse you?

I love you.

Oh, my God.

It's okay. You look great.

You look really great.

- But my face.
- Okay.

I'm gonna handle this.

I think she looks great.

It's like you take a tiny bit of
tissue and you've got this on lock.

- What's that?
- It's...

Ah.

They're so nice.

Mother of the bride!

And the girls!

It's all happening, gentlemen.

Made it to the altar.

And I owe it all to you.

Hannah, you coming?